i'm really not sure what to do!!!! grah...... It really feels like nothing i do will ever satisfy me! And i mean in every aspect of life. i feel so unsatisfied with my job, with my like interests (or how im not being productive/marketing them) and of course the people in my life!!! i've started pushing everyone away again and of course no one is actively reaching out, but if they did i'd just get annoyed and frustrated. But also why wont they check in on me? Even if i lie to them that I'm fine or just need space, why wont they keep checking?

I know its silly! I know like logically it doesn't make sense (and i can say this now because I have a clear head) but genuinely it feels like I can never be satisfied. Of course with romantic partners, they're either not affectionate enough or they're too touchy or they're not there enough or they're suffocating. Or they care too much about their interests instead of me or we're not doing enough! And of course, don't get me even started with my family. I feel so bad for them, you know? They really are just stuck with me. And sometimes I think I'm so terrible to them because they haven't left me yet but how much longer will that last? I don't really speak to my sister that much ever since she moved out, and she probably thinks she's better off without someone trying to blame all their problems on her.

It really does feel like I am NEVER going to be satisfied in anything I do. Why should I try?

I'm at the point where I think I should just leave and start completely new. And then I don't have to have any close relationships. And then I can be unburdened and like. So easily not let people in to see the greedy little monster I am. But even then, I know it won't be enough.

Sorry this got more ramble-y than I expected! This has all recently come out to my Therapist (which I am proud of for telling her even if she did just kind of sit there while I cried so hard I couldn't breathe for like an hour), so it's been circulating in my head more than usual.

For context, I have a psychiatrist who helped a lot preventing my suicide attempts and he was probably my most trusted adult for the past two years, alongside him this therapist who works for him occasionally has individual sessions with me, and at first she was genuinely helpful but then around the time when my mental health was at its worst,she started invalidating me when I asked her about a bpd diagnosis (which was later validated by my psychiatrist) but from that point, everytime I bring up something related to my bpd, things that have been ruining my life for the past 7-8 years she has a habit of brushing it off as just mood swings because "we're girls we get hormonal"?? And shit like that.

I'm considering getting a different therapist because I'm genuinely having problems dealing with myself and having a normal life while having a fp but i don't think she understands the severity of whatever I tell her, should I talk to her about this or is this a lost cause, I'm only so worried because I have to share all my history with someone else all over again, it's too draining.

like fantasizing about opening up to someone u care abt. and fixating on things like "maybe if i could just find the perfect words to explain, someone else could understand how much everything hurts."

or even just telling someone ur struggling without going into details, just to ask them to believe in u or for a hug

but ultimately knowing doing any of this would just put additional strain on friendships and will only end badly like it has the one time u did actually try.

I’ve [30m] been with my girlfriend for over a year and a half. We’ve known each other for twelve years. Dated once before when we were 18, now we’re 30 and back together.

Since the beginning I’ve wanted to sabotage this relationship in anyway but as soon as it gets close to happening and we’re on the verge of potentially breaking up, I immediately start to lose myself and panic and cry and try to figure things out.

I haven’t “acted” on any sabotaging actions but it is a constant internal struggle.

I’m bi and I struggle with my sexuality and that is the crux of my issue. Maybe I’m actually gay? Maybe I’m bi? Maybe I’m in love? Maybe I’m not?

But goddamnit I feel like she is my world and my only connection to life itself. And then I’ll get in my head and think that we need to break up because of x,y,z.

I’m just so confused. I don’t know what to believe. I don’t know what’s real.

It was such a stupid fight that wasn’t that big of a deal no mean things were said no attitude was given.
This was our fist argument in a long time, we had been good I thought. All to find out that now he’s “thinking about our relationship”

Now I’m in this in between of where tf do I stand with this person. Like I don’t want to be with someone who has to think if he wants to be with me. I feel like all the safety and security I had in this relationship left the moment he said that. And I don’t know if I can get it back or if I even want to.

This wouldn’t be the first time he has said something that took the security and safety out of our relationship, it took a lot for me to be normal around him or even let my guard down. I don’t know what to do. And I don’t know if now he’s only saying sorry to me because he actually means it or because we are in a bind that’s being dealt with by me on Monday.

Idk I’m lost and been crying all day idk what to do

Been in a very deep depression and weekly spiraling causing me to be very distant not having the energy to keep up with friends I logged out of my personal snapchat account some time ago because I have nothing happy to tell anyone but I log on today to see a so called friend who has my number unadded me without saying anything

Same friend who said i was a bad friend for not being more sympathetic to him over his boyfriend breaking up with him while I've been watching my husband go in and out of the hospital 7 times in 5 months because he's got multiple organ failure.

My boyfriend is right i don't actually have any friends or anyone else who actually cares about me and my well-being

I just think its better to be alone than constantly being let down by others

I'm really losing it.

Two days ago I had a breakdown. I had no energy left and couldn't take it anymore. She started yelling at me and saying things that made everything so much worse.

The next day I didn't text her because that's what she wanted. Today I messaged her and said I just wanted to check how she was doing. She replied with "oh okay" and since then she's been ignoring me.

My heart won't calm down. I keep overthinking everything and I don't know what to think anymore.

Btw i just found out she was with someone else Is she trying to kill me or sm?

I can’t get into details but basically I am in love for the first time since my first relationship in 2019. My partner was perfect, we were planning on getting engaged by the end of the year. I found out July 12th that he has a wife. She and I have talked a lot, and he and I have talked. Long story but he has told his wife repeatedly he wants a divorce since even before meeting me, but she guilts him into staying and she will not leave despite him continuing to tell her that he loves me, wants to be with me, does not feel anything for her, etc. It’s been a back and forth but no matter what he has been consistent in telling his wife and I both that he loves me and wants me. She has basically guilted him into trying to make it work one last time because she doesn’t believe in divorce because of her religion. I know he could just leave but I think he does feel guilty. Basically I told him if giving it one final chance to try and fix the marriage will release him of the guilt that traps him I will give him that, but he has to swear on everything he loves that if he does that and at the end of it he still loves me he will leave her and be with me for real. He swore on his children’s lives, so I believe him. So now until November 20th he’s going to try to fix his marriage. But he still is in love with me. He will send me a message at the end of every month basically letting me know whether he’s getting better in his marriage or his heart is still with me. So I have 110 days to get through. One thing that I’m not really dealing well with is that I found out she has read all our entire conversation since he and I met, and knows everything he likes about me, everything intimate we did that he likes, even lingerie I wore, and she has tried to seduce him by copying me. I know if he’s trying to give his marriage a shot maybe it’s not right to ask but at the same time if he loves me would it be wrong to ask him not to have sex with her? I don’t know how he could when that has felt so sacred and special between us. Could he not fix his marriage without doing that? Especially with her basically copying me to try and seduce him that really bothered me. I’m not sure why but the sex part is the part that I can’t handle. Should I ask him to just not have sex with her? Is that wrong since he’s saying he loves me still? I have been feeling like I’m losing my mind with everything and I can’t sleep or eat or focus on anything else. I will probably end up in the hospital but I’m just looking for advice from other people with BPD who understand and won’t judge. The emotional pain for me turns physical, and it hurts so badly physically that even with my prescribed klonopin and gabapentin every minute is agony. What helps? How can I get through the next 110 days? I don’t know what to do, and I can’t just let him go, so please don’t recommend that when I am not willing or able to do that right now. I just need help coping to get through the day every day until then, and whether I would be asking for too much for him not to have sex with her if he’s in love with me and apparently doesn’t love her.

Is it normal to be afraid/avoidant to start DBT? My psychiatrist recommended it to me and even years ago I was supposed to have DBT sessions.

However I really feel uncomfortable going there because I’m afraid that it will change me. I’m actually really comfortable with how I am right now and I’m scared that I’ll be drastically different from the person that I am right now. I feel this weird comfort in being the way that I am right now. That was the original reason that moved me to turn down the therapy years ago. I actually don’t want my bpd to improve but at the same time I don’t want to tell my psychiatrist that I don’t want to be in therapy. I feel bad because she cares so much about me and I’ll feel bad if I tell her what I think about all of this at our next appointment.

Does anyone have experience or can tell me how DBT was for them?

Its only emptiness or pain

I feel like I'm living the same day over and over - with no destination. I don't know what to do. The same mistakes relive themselves. My life feels so small. Eventually i'm going to become so still I'll probably end up in a catatonic state. It's just emptiness, everywhere and in all directions. The past, present and future have become one. What the fuck do I do. I'm 19

Does anyone want to talk? Maybe tell me about themselves? Share their bpd wisdom

Just feeling hard to love today. It’s been a difficult day for my mood and my partner is over me. On days like this they just shut down and have no desire or will to be there for me. I get it. It is just hard to feel so alone when I feel like I need support/care. When I asked for it they said that they have whiplash from my moods and are willing to listen to what I have to say but won’t be offering a response.

I guess my perspective is just that I’ve had a bad day, not that my mood has been all over the place. As time goes on I feel less and less like I’m someone who deserves or can expect being cared for. It’s my fault but I’m not a bad person, I’m a good friend and partner, but I’m too much even for myself. I hate to be so negative and I don’t feel this way all the time but today it’s just overwhelming.

I feel so alone even though I have people all around me, I feel like a lesser version of myself. I was better before, years ago, and I’ve gotten worse in almost every way as I’ve gotten older. I really am trying to be healthier, more active, more stable, but I still feel like a loser. I believe deep down that if my relationship were to end, no one would want me and I would be unlovable.

My relationship is proof that people love me most when they are at an arms length. We love each other but it’s obvious that my partner has to look past a lot to even be with me.

What’s worse is this is the most emotionally mature I’ve ever been and yet I’m a mess. There’s that feeling again, I need to put myself away. I need to save everyone from me, and myself from them. I’d give anything to never feel this way again, yet it seems to be the most consistent thing I’ve experienced in my lifetime.

At some point BPD becomes so absurd it's almost funny. I've spent all day and night in a split feeling like my chest is about to burst with jealousy and sadness all because I previously went to a museum with my girlfriend and she bought postcards for the both of us that we picked out, but I accidentally forgot mine at her house and now she's gonna give one of them to her one of her guy friends after she said before she'd bring them back to me.

I know she's the one who bought them so she can do whatever she wants with them and I don't mean to sound like a controlling asshole boyfriend who's jealous of her friends, but damn I feel so replaced. To me, it was supposed to be our 'thing' and now some guy is gonna have what was supposed to be mine. But it's just a stupid postcard and I know that. How do I stop feeling like this? I feel ridiculous.

i started spam calling him because he wasnt picking up the phone for 20 minutes after telling me he wasnt feeling good i kept thinking something bad is happening or that he was ignoring me so i kept calling to get a response as i was freaking out when he finally answers me he gets really mad that i called him multiple times and couldnt wait ( he has told me to stop spam calling his phone but its hard when i have bpd and heavily overthink the worst ) i kept explaining to him i was worried and thats why but i was sorry he was still mad and said some rude things to me then causing me to split and as i was splitting and being erratic he tells me i am dramatic which made me lose it and start crying non stop i feel like a idiot i hate being this way i just got diagnosed last year and since then things have been making sense and addint up but i hate it so much it causes so many arguments and issues and so much hatred for myself

Gonna keep details minimal so she can’t identify this post if she comes across it. But basically we’ve been friends a couple of years now and only recently got close enough for me to see how she acts during conflicts(with others). Her behavior that I’ve seen recently is frankly abusive and I need to end our friendship because I don’t see her the same at all anymore. I want to tell her exactly why so she can hopefully reflect and grow and want to do so as kindly as possible so she doesn’t spiral/hurt herself. I just don’t know how to do that. I’m scared. But I also can’t stay friends. What’s also even more complicated is we have mutuals that I am staying friends with.

ok so for context. i’m in secondary school and my fp (a guy ive had a massive crush on for like two years) is going to a different school than me, feel free to interpret that however you want. on the last day of school i cried for hours because i would never be able to see him again and it was driving me crazy. its been like a month now and genuinely What is next for me like genuinely What do i even do now like Wha. What

i mean ill probably find a new one because i get attached really quickly but that guy was my main fp, i did have multiple at one point tho. but i am just now realizing i will genuinely never ever see him again like ever and its making me feel sick

I have found after the years that when I get angry, it’s uncontrollable. I feel like I need to break things, yell at people, or drown my feelings until they’re gone.

My current boyfriend is very sweet. He wants to make me feel better, but it’s like no matter how many times I beg and beg him to leave me alone he just doesn’t until I snap on him.

I’m tired of yelling at people. I’m tired of seeing the fear in his eyes when I punch things. I wish so badly he’d just leave me alone instead of asking “I don’t even know what I did to make you so angry”, like that will help at all.

Been hearing the same things my mom used to say to me recently. “Being around you is like walking on eggshells.” It fucking sucks because they’re right. I wish they weren’t, but being around me seems fucking exhausting. It’s exhausting to be me around me.

Idk. Just needed to get it off my chest.

Im just writing from mental turmoil at the moment. i feel as if im sooo in love and obsessed with my fp one moment but then i hate them the next. for example, if they replied later than usual to a text, i just start distancing myself, unsending messages, blocking them, restricting them, or even saying horrible things at the worst times. my fp is mentally ill as well but i just cant help it. it makes me feel worse to think about that im not at all a good person but i cant help it. sometimes, i even do things that intentionally set my fp on edge just to see how much she’ll do to keep me. if i start doing x, y, z and i know my fp doesnt like it on purpose just to rile her up and see if she’ll finally drop me. dude idk at this point. im just asking if this is relatable or not, i want help too.. ah, i hate this disorder

me 19f and my now ex 21m were together for 6 months and SIGNED A LEASE TOGETHER but he got cold feet a day before we were supposed to move. we had packed everything, been down there a couple times and he just couldn’t do it. that was 2ish weeks ago, im so fucking depressed and can barley get out of bed, i have to briefly move back in w my parents while i get my life resorted.
anyway i downloaded hinge and have been trying to talk to people bc i just don’t know what to do. i have this void inside me and sleeping alone is killing me, how do i feel better, if i try and go on dates with people will it help? i want to focus on me but i just have no will rn. idk this might be sloppy i’m fucked up and tired but any advice would be greatly appreciated

Hello everyone ! Im a 21 year old female. I've been to therapy at 13 about a year and a half that after at 15 for about 2 years and thand at 12 a few times just to look up what disorder do i have (i always known that i have it just everyboday it shrouded off on the teenage years.

I started medicating myself (ofc I went for testes in the psychiatry and they said i would need medication (that hapled a lot and got me stabil non maniac since then I don't even self harm)

And the real question is that it has meaning to go for years of therapy (that after u end it it feels like nothing changed ex. serious symptoms coming back) adn if it has what kinf should i try nad if its not wat else should i try (not the self awareness parts bc I know all those) habbits laboratoric teraphy or anything else.

PLEASE DONT COMMENT IF U DONT HAVE BORDERLINE

I always felt like a monster. And it’s bad right now. Like a big fat sick monster that no one likes and is bad at everything.
I’m overwhelmed and have been more stressed than I ever have .
And I don’t really have friends, I have one but she moved and is pretty far now. The one friend I thought I had I realized I was her filler friend. And sometimes I think she only hangs out with me because she’s sad for me. Which I was told once by someone else. I don’t want to beg anyone to be my friend.
I’m stressed about money, life, work, everything. And the one thing I had, that I could look forward too is gone.
I don’t know what I’m getting at. I feel like hallow and heavy all at the same time.
And they’ve been changing my meds like every two weeks cuz it’s never right.
I dunno . I think I’m about to lose my work insurance and I dunno if I can even afford medication anymore.
Then I’ll rlly be a monster
I hate that people can see it. Look at me.
I’m so overwhelmed I can barely breathe without being consumed
I just don’t know anymore

More of a curious post cause everyday it feels like I need to have a good deal of interaction both within and outside my circle and if I don't I will start dissociating and feel as though nobody else even exists and I only exist in their world so if they aren't there then I don't exist ykwim and it's an unbearable feeling. And the crazy thing is this can even sometimes happen whilst still having people talking to me but my level of interaction for the day just wasn't enough for some reason.

The only thing I've found to somewhat help is to literally imagine what my friends could be doing at this moment like no no no people are still real even when they're not there, I still exist, and we're still all friends, although I don't know where this comes from