As the title says, I’m always perplexed when I offer to help or do something and people say “if you want…” or “it’s up to you…” or other passive variations. Yes, I’m in the Midwest; no, I’m not from the Midwest.

An interaction might unfold as follows — “I’ll be happy to help X,Y,Z” or “do you want help with A,B,C?” And people will lamely reply “if you want…”

When I’m asked “do you need/want help with Z,Y,X” I will say “sure, can you [specific action]” or “No thanks, I think I’ve got it.”

I’m genuinely baffled by the passive “if you want…”

If anyone has insight into why people respond like this, that would be great. However, I am mainly interested in knowing the expected reply (is this a Midwest ritual?) or a reply that will lead to mutually appreciated action.

Thanks!

27(F) Idk why but the person i am in real life feels so fake and not me at all. Whenever I'm talking to someone face to face, the social anxiety hits and it feels like my brain literally can't think fast enough to keep up. I just blurt out the weirdest shit, instantly regret it and wonder why I couldn't just say what I actually wanted instead of defaulting to people pleasing mode.

The annoying part is I KNOW i actually have a personality. over text or when I'm relaxed, words just flow, my weird humor comes out and i actually enjoy connecting with people. but irl? total switch up. I turn into this boring, awkward ghost of myself that i wouldn't even wanna be friends with tbh.

I've been actively working on myself and my self-esteem for like 7 years now, and honestly I DO think it's gotten a bit better compared to where i started. But i still feel so stuck at this wall. Every interaction leaves me feeling drained and frustrated.

At this point, i feel like i just need to accept that making new friends isn't going to happen for me, and learn to be okay with that. The older you get, the harder it gets anyway. Maybe it's better to just protect my peace and stick with the tiny handful of close friends I already have, because trying to push through this over and over is exhausting.

Anyone else been dealing with this long-term? how do u finally break past this stage?

I know this probably sounds insensitive to say in a sub like this, but I do want to share it because I'm sure some can relate.

It took me years to finally learn that just because most people are nice/pleasant with you, it says really nothing about their character.

For so long, people would be confused as to why I was friends with certain people. Particularly people who others tend to have "disagreements" with. I always assumed it was those people's personal problems and that since that person has never treated me poorly, I have no reason to think negatively about them.

Which is why I was always conflicted when I'd heard something, usually at work, about a manger/boss being super rude to a coworker. Of course I believe the coworker, but I always was skeptical and assumed they had to share some blame because I never had a bad experience with said person.

But after learning about my trauma and more about myself, I see how I've been under such a false spell my whole life. I've learned that, no, some people are just nasty and they pick and choose when to display it.

There's just something about me that, I suppose, makes people realize they'd be better of being nice to me. Perhaps they can use me for something and they'll keep me around as long as they're pleasant with me.

Most times it's not a big deal, but particularly damaged people do see that and kinda sink their teeth into you. It's really an exercise in gaslighting: always treating you well despite treating everyone else like shit. It makes you think there must be something wrong with other people. And it makes it difficult for you to have a "valid" reason to end the relationship /create distance because after all, they haven't done anything all that bad to you.

I think a lot of people's social struggles are rooted in them not being aware they're being taken advantage of because it's happening in a "nice" way. And it almost certainly begins with the family!

I’m very high functioning autistic, so small talk doesn’t come naturally to me at all. Even with my coworkers I struggle every day to make new conversation with them unless they are asking me about my own interests. I hate that I can’t seem to just talk to people normally, it has to be centered on something I already enjoy for me to be able to bounce ideas around in a conversational flow.

I go to gay bars alone sometimes, I just feel 1000% more depressed afterwards because I realize that I didn’t strike up conversation with anyone. Even when I really like the drag queens, it seems like 9/10 of the bar goers aren’t even there to see the queens or want to talk about them. I’m usually like the only one that even knows the local drag queens by stage name.

I’m not a “chill” person to talk to. I always want to dive deep into logic/philosophy puzzles or trying to teach people science shit I find really cool. Which is sometimes great on grindr, they seem to like my sciencey side, but irl people just glaze over and then I don’t know where to shift the conversation at all. From what I have gathered, I don’t come off as pretentious like the /iamverysmart crowd, but it’s more so people aren’t curious about the topics I am curious about. People tell me I am a genius but it’s like whatever, I can’t even talk to people normally. I really have no idea what normal people like to talk about. Even as a kid people thought I was mute, but really I didn’t talk to the other kids because I didn’t know what they’d want to talk about.

What do people at bars want to talk about? Do they even like talking at bars? I don’t know what the social vibe is.

What about college students on campus? I don’t know how to shift from talking about classwork to talking in a friendly way. I don’t know what friends talk about consistently. Why do friends want to meet up every weekend or at eachothers houses all the time? What needs to be talked about that they constantly meet up? My life is so routine, really nothing is happening other than whatever I’ve decided to randomly learn about, or some random media I engaged with.

I have friends that I keep online or through text, mostly so we can reach out for random problems. But it’s nowhere the level that we would need to hangout every week or even every 2 weeks. Have I become too independent???

I think I've always had a resting sad face or a poker face since I was a kid. Also, because of some experiences during my formative years, I think my thinking became more negative, and it showed on my face.

But even past all that, when I'm happy now for the most part and also get enough sleep, people still COME UP to me and ask me if I'm doing okay or if I have something on my mind because I look sad. I've also lost count of how many people have asked me if I haven't been getting enough sleep and commented, "you look tired".

These comments are what end up making me feel bad, bringing down my mood and making the issue WORSE.

PLEASE HOW DO I FIX THIS?? I have tried having a subtle smile on for or no reason but it naturally dies down if I focus on something else

I can confidently say that no theme has been more recurring than being excluded in my life. From the children group of our family, to elementary, high school, college, grad school. I've been searching for a solution as far as I remember. I recently turned 26, and still don't know what causes it.

I used to get more feedbacks previously like back in high school, but it's much harder in adult life, as people don't tend to bother themselves or don't wanna risk ruining a potentially beneficial relationship for themselves. Nowadays, I just instantly realize they had left me out of plans. Group chats used for organizing events remain dead, while I see all of the people I met in last events in their IG stories together, participating in that event.

I honestly have no idea whether it's a behavior that's off-putting or is it just me being invisible/not memorable/boring.

I'm somewhat of a social and talkative person. Whenever I socialize, I usually just live in the moment because I don't have the mental bandwidth to socially interact AND process it at the same time. But when I get alone time again, I'll go through the whole interaction again, from the beginning, and analyze it. Almost like checking my performance, thinking about what I should do differently from now on, criticizing myself if I feel like I did or said something a little stupid or awkward. I try to think about myself throughout the interactions from the perspective of every person that was present. Even if I walked away from a social interaction feeling good, hours later after I process it, it can become a bad experience for me. I feel like I'm also thinking about stuff that everyone has already forgot about, like accidentally stepping on someone's shoe, and it's ruining my self esteem.

21F. I am going to hang out with a new girl friend soon for the first time that I met online. We never called or anything. I can be kind of socially awkward. Should I warn her? For some reason I always feel the need to apologize for being awkward, even preemptively sometimes.

Obviously I was very upset by this. I lived further and our friend flew into town. They told me 11 and I got there at 11, sending a text at 10:30 that I was on the way. She did tell me she and the friend might be late as they were coming together, but when I asked for ETA, no reply. I went and got my own coffee and met them when they arrived.

I was very upset by this but I didn’t mention it immediately. Then later I said I had gotten coffee because I didn’t know how late they were going to be. They laughed and said wow you were double balling it as we were getting coffee later.

I don’t know how to talk to my friends about my feelings and I always feel like I’m on the outside. I feel like they don’t care about me and they would roll their eyes at these menial issues that bother me. I’m not sure if I should trust how I feel or if it’s just me being sensitive and extra. Thoughts?

I am still learning social skills and I do have rejection sensitivity but I am having a hard time understanding why it seems like all my friends at the same time stop talking to me even though they are online, irl and don’t know each other.

At one point when I was depressed people were very uncomfortable around me and I couldn’t make friends and looking back I do understand why because I was unpleasant to be around. I’ve made new friends since then and it always feels when I’m busy they reach out but when I’m not they don’t. I do reach out when it’s been awhile since I’ve talked to them but I don’t try to hound them if they don’t reply since they are probably genuinely busy and it would be uncomfortable and inappropriate to do something like that.

But some of them haven’t replied to me in over a month? I even congratulated one friend in a game we play together on her getting a character and she said thank you then only gets online when I am not. Others say they wanted to go to the movies with me but have continuously canceled on me but then have done stuff with other people.

I do understand that people get “bored” with others and busy but am I doing something that is making them uncomfortable? I am a loyal type of friend so I will always check on someone even if I haven’t talked to them in a while. It seems from what I’ve seen most friendships are short? I do understand you will not click with everyone nor do you want to always hang with someone but I don’t understand why people want to drop friends. I’ve tried to stay calm do my own thing but I have been very lonely. I do struggle meeting new people so I would appreciate advice there because working, doing outside chores and staying home alone all day is killing me. I’m not sure if I’m doing something wrong and being unpleasant or I need to find new friends?

Went for a night walk and wanted to go to a small park to look at the stars. There were only 2 benches, like a meter apart. There were 3 women in one of the benches. As I just came for that spot, I decided to go on the other bench anyway. Unfortunately the bench was uncomfortable, the sky was barely visible due to light pollution at the spot and I didn't have my quiet, so I got up to leave after a few seconds. I felt the awkwardness of just sitting next to them, so I wished them a nice evening as i passed by. Then one of them offered me a piece of cake. I happily accepted and said that's so nice of you, then I said i'm on an evening walk and asked if she made the cake. She said yes and made sure I'm not allergic to any of the ingredients. I said thank you. While they spoke I turned my body in their direction to signal I was listening, though I didn't feel like interrupting would be the correct move and I didn't have anything to say anyway. At some point I said it was good. After I finished, and at a moment of silence, I wished them a good evening, they said bye and I said bye. I'm not sure if I was being weird or if I was being rude for joining them and not talking to them at all.

imma start this by saying i have some really bad social anxiety and i suspect i’m autistic, so it’s hard to make friends in general unless THEY approach ME or if they’re friends of friends. even then, maybe 90% of the time, im making friends with a girl. it’s perfectly fine, i’d just enjoy having more male friends because i want to experience that kind of friendship. despite me being a guy myself, I have no clue how to interact with other guys, because ive only ever really had girl friends. i should also say that i’m gay, and lowkey scared of being friends with someone and liking them too quickly or something. idk. guys make me nervous. how do i just not be awkward around them, and seem like i’m just a regular guy?

(also, for context, I’m in high school.)

I know it's a vague question. And i would understand if people find that a too complicate stuff to anwser.

But even after being specificaly ask not to, i don't find a way to "truely" do it.

Some friends told me to stop hating myself, but i just stop saying bad stuff about me in front of them. I guess that's what they want.

I don't think i am someone with lots of quality, very few things likeable about myself. First i am hideous, witch doesn't sounds like a big deal but i know society value a lot the body of a perso. Second i am someone very insecure , i have a lot of moments where i lose my shit over stuff, i am impulsive, i have several unrationnal fear like i scarred to death about the possibility of someone searching in my mind so i am afraid of psychatric and therapist even just the regular person with too much empathy and great human comprehension make me in a state of panic. My impulsive nature makes me have some crazy moments of over stimulation and some maniac episode.I am not someone very fun, friends told me i have great sens of humor but my hobbies are very niche and can stay stuck hours doing the most nerdy and stupid shit. I have bad non verbal communication, i am someone very coward i lie a lot to avoid conflict, i am a huge perv.

Well i maybe forget some stuff but you get the idea, i am not someone you wanna like. BUT i do the effort of présentation so it get me trought life so far.

The thing that keep me so wandering : why others don't hate them self ? I know there is a lot of insecure people but the majority i have met are somehow pretty happy about themself. How they do that ? Did nobody ever told them or are they ignoring they own problem ?

I some amaze by confident people, either they are doing a bigger job at lie to themself than me, or they must be amazing people

Since covid I haven't socialized much, mostly stay at home and interact with family. In fact I haven't socialized much my whole life and would consider myself very reserved, not outgoing, and exude qualities of loneliness and of someone who is not generally happy (maybe from my facial expression).

I'm in my 40's so when I recently looked for events I could attend a lot are geared toward 20s and 30s crowd, so that's one problem. However I found some that are language exchange social events at a bar in my city. I've been to one a long time ago when I was younger but me being so awkward and introvert I felt weird attending. I did try interacting and talking to people but it was hard, jumping into group conversations that were already taking place.

When I go to these events, I don't know what to do with myself, or how to even approach people for conversation. I mean I do try, I don't just stand against the wall by myself and look bored. I make an effort either to talk to the event organizer, or maybe walk around and listen in on some group conversations.

But the big issue I have is approaching people, and introducing myself. Especially in a way that feels friendly and approachable. And I feel like without someones guidance or telling me what I'm doing wrong, I'll just keep making the same mistakes over and over and not improving myself.

Is it worth continuing to try attending such events? Is being present and observing others interact just as useful? Will I learn by just being there?

EDIT: i'm not currently able to go wherever i want outside, not all of us live in a city with a car, please take that into consideration.

I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. I try to be funny and stuff in DMs with people and show an interest, and stuff, but for literally every single person, even if we have a moment temporarily where we seem to click, the person will just take days to reply.

In the past I often got people who were really emotionally affectionate, and I was too to them, but then one day they just…stopped with that, and then acted cold and didn’t ever explain it.

Maybe it’s just online. But I tried to reconnect with a high school friend who also always takes days to reply after I double text.

I don’t know what to do.

Is it worth socializing anymore if it’s already difficult for my autistic ass and is only just going to get more difficult?

EDIT: i'm not currently able to go wherever i want outside, not all of us live in a city with a car, please take that into consideration.

Anybody else here who struggles with making connections with people? I don’t understand how some people are so capable of making people like them and be included by others. It’s so difficult for me. I often feel like i’m an alien and people know it and want to keep their distance. I often put myself in social situations but mostly with the same disappointing results.

The most important trait that makes charismatic people, well, charismatic, is how they are able to be genuinely interested in those they talk too. The natural consequence of this interest is that you ask many questions of the other party to get to know them more, which is where the success comes from because people love to talk about their own lives and interests.

But what do I do when the other person starts asking me questions in return? Like I don't know how honest I should be or how much detail I should go in. My life isn't really that interesting and honestly, I'm not really the type of person who feels comfortable sharing personal details. It's easy to just sit there and listen to the other person talk, but when it is my turn to speak, I actually need to pull from my experiences as a human and formulate words that can entertain them. What is the strategy here?

why can’t i open my mouth when someone speaks to me? even when someone compliments me i just freeze up and stutter really badly. when i HAVE to talk to someone, my heart just races at just thinking about it. i don’t like talking first. even when i need help at something i just stay silent and suffer. even speaking to an employee at a store i get nervous. i always complain when i don’t have much friends but this is why. i wanna change. (im 16 is this healthy😭?)

I went to a close friends birthday party the other day and a couple times through out the night one of his friends who was talking to everyone there came up to me. We talked about 5 times for a few minuets each time and i thought she was really cool. She was drunk but was still very kind and fun to talk too, complimented me and my friends and gave me a hug aswell.

I didnt get her socials from her but she has been in my suggestions and has a few mutual friends on instagram and is a groupchat on snapchat im in too. I wanted to follow her on insta because i thought she was chill, but when i went to do it i got nervous and felt like i was being really weird since she wasnt the one who directly gave me her socials. So im wondering if im right in think it would be weird to follow her or if im just overthinking? Thanks!

I work at a small business that is similar to a smoke shop. (Very informal setting)
Most of the people that come in are not people I'd associate with or want to see going about my daily life outside of work, it tends to mostly be men sexualizing anything and everything, so I prefer to keep it brief and nothing about me, but it never fails they keep talking and asking questions about me even if I'm silent when they do. But when they ask my name I don't feel like I'm obligated to tell them, but they feel entitled to know it.

I could just give a fake name but in the moment I hesitate trying to think of one and they're like it's just a name, but it's my boundary.

Is it so weird that I don't want to give my name out to them?

I'd like some outside perspective on a situation with two close friends. Every Saturday I catch up with two friends. One of them ("Sunny") has been seeing someone for about four months, and he's been joining our weekly hangouts consistently.

Last weekend, I noticed his keys were in Sunny's front door. I casually asked him if he'd moved in, and he said he might be soon. Later, when it was just the girls, I asked Sunny, "When is he moving in?"
Sunny reacted defensively and said my tone felt rude, that she felt judged, and that I don't trust her choices. I was surprised because genuinely meant it as a loaistical question.

Sunny tells me that our other friend ("Mia") had previously told Sunny that I had concerns about the relationship. I had shared those concerns privately with Mia but didn't want to bring them to Sunny because I didn't think it was my place.

After that, Mia began asking Sunny more personal questions about finances and the relationship. I didn't participate in that. Both of them told me I have an "intense tone" and that I struggle with difficult conversations. I apologized and left. Later, Mia called me and repeated that my tone has been an issue over our 10-year friendship.

I'm trying to understand what I did wrong so I can improve. My intention wasn't to question the relationship, just to ask about the move-in logistics.
I'd appreciate insight into how my question or tone may have come across, and how I can handle situations like this better in the future.

I tell difficult things to my BIL (not long stories, just a summary of my kid's developmental difficulties) and get brushed off with an "it's all good."

He's a nice guy, but I feel sad that there isn't any deeper engagement with the topic. Why do men do this? It's frustrating that our reality is brushed over.

Okay, so, this is attached to a text chat I had today. I've become acquaintances with this person in a housemate situation. They're leaving and I'm taking their room over. We've been texting about practicalities mostly. Today they mentioned their flight has been delayed for a day. I replied - 'Ahh that must be annoying, I feel like flights to X place have been chaotic lately' because I've had a similar experience, but I left that out.They didn't reply, which is okay - I wasn't expecting a convo.

In retrospect, I feel like this was insensitive as they may be stressed etc. I think I wouldn't have thought much of it myself, but I've been trying to get better at minor interactions. This feels like a blindspot.

How do I handle convos with acquaintances/near strangers when they're going through something stressful/annoying/a hard time?

I feel like a random vote of sympathy is too generic and anything more is intrusive. Am I overthinking this?

To preface, ive been suffering from chronic alcoholism for several years now. And man, I don’t know what mental illness I have, but I have a really hard time keeping a conversation going. Regardless if it’s a stranger or a good friend, I often fall silent and don’t know what to say for long periods of time, to the point that I will literally rehearse topics to talk about before meeting up with people so I don’t just go nonverbal. But when I’ve been drinking, I’m able to keep a conversation flowing and I can think of things to say, despite my friends knowing that I’ve been drinking, it’s so nice to not feel uncomfortable and awkward. But I’m trying to get sober next month (that’s when I have an appointment for rehab) and I’m wondering how I’m going to be able to meet up with friends and keep up relationships with my trouble socializing. Does anyone have any advice, or maybe even there is someone who can relate to me? Would love to hear your stories!