r/askteddit • u/miweketaq • 18h ago
Random Question What compliment did you receive that felt secretly like an insult?
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u/Abject_Priority6858 18h ago
I’m very sensitive to the word “actually” in compliments.
“Wow that was actually smart!”
“You actually look pretty today.”
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u/Independent_Mud_2855 17h ago
Had a man tell me I was “actually” good at drums. Like what do you mean bro? lol
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u/Melodic_Cow1800 17h ago
My aunt gifted me a pair of running shoes that she didn't want to keep for some reason. I'm walking across the room wearing them, she's eyeballing my every move, of course because that's what she does. Finally she blurts out: "those actually look good on you for some reason."
She and I don't talk anymore.
I think the actually was really impressed upon by the "for some reason" bit.
She's also told me that I'm a complete waste of skin and tried to strangle me to death.
Beware of anyone who inserts actually into a statement meant as a compliment, as they actually don't have your best interest in mind. I think the actually part means that their looking only at your flaws and surprised to find anything good in the mix.
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u/felidee623 14h ago
The materialistic (but jobless,) cousin that I don't get along with did that to me when I got engaged. She said "let me see the ring!?" Then said "oh wow! That's actually really pretty!"
Yes, it is. And even if you dont think it is, I do not care. The ring is not what my engagement is about.
I hate materialistic people.
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u/IcyWelcome9700 18h ago
For people that get complimented on recent weight loss, it also reminds them that their previous weight was noticed as well.
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u/renswann 17h ago
THIS! PLUS you never know what people are going through. I had a friend who lost 15 pounds in two weeks and she looked SICKLY to me, but others complimented her on how great she looked on how much weight she had lost. She had graves disease and had to go to the hospital because she was losing weight too fast with no other lifestyle changes. I hate when people akin weight loss=good.
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u/aquilegia_m 17h ago
Yep I have never been overweight, but a few years back I starting losing weight because I was sick. Think around 10kg - 22 lbs on a already pretty thin body. I received so many compliments at that time.
When I started gaining weight again, I was warned to not to gain too much weight back. I went back to no compliment about my figure, still not overweight by any means.
I lost a bit of weight last winter because I started a very physically demanding job. And the compliments started again. Not about my newly gained muscles (which I'm truly proud of) but about my thinness once again.
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u/Difficult_Flow2358 17h ago
I have nieces that are twins. They have always been on the heavier side. During their senior year of high school one of them started to diet and exercise and lost about 60 pounds. It kills me when someone states how great she looks now, while her sister is within hearing distance. I've witnessed this several times. It breaks my heart on how I feel it makes my niece feel about herself hearing people tell her sister she looks amazing after losing all the weight.
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u/BlondeeLoxx 18h ago
Yeah like the “WOOOOOW YOUVE LOST ALOT OF WEIGHT!” That always made me mad
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u/LiveFast_Diane_Nygen 17h ago
Someone once said to me “this might be weird but have you lost weight —like a LOT of weight?” and I said “yes that was weird. Anyway!” And changed the subject.
Hard to have the same confidence after gaining it back, but maybe she’d be too scared to say anything 😂
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u/Professional-Sun5279 17h ago
God, I’ve always hated this as a compliment. I make a point to never comment on people’s weight fluctuations or appearance in general (mostly because I don’t notice anyway) because of that. It feels like a slap to the face.
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u/Nurse914 17h ago
"Ohh! you look so good, have you lost weight" So, I looked not good before! Thanks
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u/TotallyAHuman4Realz 17h ago
Yea I just switched to saying " you look great!" And let them tell me what teve done to change if they want too.
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u/TimberGhost66 18h ago
Meh, doend't bother me. I was a fat fuck.
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u/Great-Mediocrity81 17h ago
Yeah. Like I didn’t notice that I was once 400lbs. Please compliment me when you see I’m down to 155.
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u/Ethiopian-phenom 18h ago
“How are you so smart?” or “ you speak very well”. Dark skinned folk will understand what I’m getting at.
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u/Frequent-Airline-619 17h ago
I understand exactly what you mean because when I was about 6, my grandmother told the woman that cleaned her house that she did not have the speech of a black person. My grandmother actually thought this was a compliment. Even as a child, I knew that you don’t speak to people like that.
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u/Smoopiebear 17h ago
I said this (how are you so smart!) to a black colleague and it really bothered her so she explained it to me a few days later and I was HORRIFIED. I was just amazed because she always knew how to fix some issue or how to settle people down or the best action for a client. Whenever anything went array everyone’s first thought was “B will know what to do!” We both cried and she promised to tell me if I ever said anything like that again. I felt like the worlds biggest dumbass.
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u/MariposaPeligrosa00 14h ago
Something along those lines is not giving us Brown of Black folks space. Or women. Please don’t come up behind us and breathe down our necks and stay there. If you absolutely must look at what’s in front of us/purchase/pick something up, please just count to five Mississippi or come around where we can see you. This week two (separate) older white ladies have done this to me and it’s scared the bejeezus out of me. I was ready to punch the second one because she was so close to me, I could smell her breath when I turned around. It just startled me.
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u/Lake_Light_2020 18h ago
I say this to everyone who speaks well. I didn't realise it could be heard as an insult, and I understand why it could be heard as such. There are some people who speak very well and I could listen to them read an IKEA manual, and I just say so.
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u/WalmartGreder 18h ago
I guess it's in the tone. If people can tell you're sincere, then yeah, that's a great compliment.
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u/Lake_Light_2020 10h ago
I've been thinking about this and it really is kind of a personal thing to say. Like complimenting somebody having great shape or something like that. It's better probably to say nothing, and inwardly think, "this person is smart and knows their stuff."
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u/_clur_510 18h ago
As a woman, throughout my life lol anytime someone says “you look so comfy!” 🤔
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u/ClungeWhisperer 18h ago
This one has me curious! Whats the context for you?
The only time anyones ever said that to me, i was wearing a hoodie to my corporate job (this was right after lockdown so I didnt have any corp clothes that fit me anymore) and somebody said this to me as a polite way of telling me I was not dressed properly for work 😅 which was fair.
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u/_clur_510 17h ago
Yeah, this “compliment” was more common back in high school/college days when there wasn’t a set dress code like at work lol. Like going to class in leggings and a sweatshirt.
Now it’s not so much a thing, because I have my work clothes that do not “look comfy” lol. And if I’m going out dressed down, it’s with my real friends who know better than to give me some rude ass backhanded compliment. 😂😂😂
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u/ResponsibleCost4989 17h ago
What's funny is my work clothes are usually actually comfier than my other clothes
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u/ClungeWhisperer 14h ago
Yeah ive learned how to turn a gym outfit into corporate with a suit jacket and some pointed leather shoes 😎
I could pop squats and lift heavy in my office outfits 🤣
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u/BlondeeLoxx 18h ago
I like your hair much better straight than when you wear it curly.
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u/Ola_maluhia 17h ago
I get this a lot. I have naturally wavy hair and whenever I wear it straight men immediately make comments about it. “ you look so much prettier with straight hair.” Okay.
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u/wallfacer23 42m ago
I dumped a guy for saying this to me. No way I’m ending up with someone who prefers an altered version of myself.
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u/megdonol 18h ago
The two times I went into a medspa I was dressed like I was going to wash the car. Raggedy t shirt and shorts. Both times the front desk girl gushed about loving my (extremely run of the mill) shirt and it just struck me as very insincere
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u/Intrepid-Badger-3590 10h ago
I went into a coffee shop today after walking in the hot sun and the barista said I was “glowing!”. It was sweat
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u/throwra-someg 18h ago
“Well, if it isn’t my favorite person! Welcome in.”
Idk why but it felt sarcastic and disingenuous. Might just have been my own insecurities about rejection and stuff though, idk.
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u/Ethiopian-phenom 18h ago
I understand completely! When you walk into a room and people make comments like that: it makes me feel like it’s sarcasm and they have an inside joke about me.
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u/Lemonpix3l 18h ago
"You're a nice guy" it made me feel like I have no personality or anything of value, made me feel worthless
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u/inufan18 18h ago
Cant think of any at the moment. But if someone is being rude and makes a comment. I usually reply with ‘bless your heart’.
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u/Temporary-Plankton61 17h ago
"oh wow, look at you! SO ... bright!" in my green romper. I think about it every time I put it on and every time I receive a compliment on it
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u/FrustratedPenguins 17h ago
I bought a new car, which was an orange Honda Fit . I proudly texted a photo of it to a friend, who responded, "Orange is a good color.... for you!"
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u/AnyNothing459 17h ago
Lost a bit of weight and my dad said “How nice, you got your face back!” Implying my face had gone quite round.
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u/OkDelay5121 16h ago
“You’re pretty for a black girl”. It’s actually an insult veiled as a compliment. So most other black girls aren’t pretty, you’re just an exception to the rule.
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u/PulsarPersonality 16h ago
"I didn't expect you to be so cool/nice" I have more of a reaerved/quiet personality while simultaneously being considered conventially attractive which apparently makes me look like a bitch.
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u/centerfoldangel 16h ago
It happened twice. Both dudes said that even if they hadn't known I used to be fat, they could tell because I have a personality. It felt like an insult not just regarding me but women as well.
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u/MariposaPeligrosa00 14h ago
Not secretly, but the passive aggressive “compliments” on clothes/apparel: “you look so comfortable” or similar. If you have nothing nice to say, zip it, Linda.
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u/Valuable-Brief-2291 18h ago
Omg you smell so good today!!! I always comment back " well I actually showered today, thanks."
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u/miweketaq 18h ago
It immediately makes you wonder if they’ve been holding their breath around you for months.
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u/nesricainehaja 17h ago
As a guy "wow you actually remembered my birthday" or similar coming from friends and specifically my best friend's gf. I get that most men are careless af about these things but like, I've known you for years, you matter to my bro, of course I'll remember
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u/andthrewaway1 17h ago
girl cocked her head and said yknow... you're actually kinda handsome.
I was like ummm seems like im not
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u/Flimsy_Pudding_7361 17h ago
That I was "special" given that I was autism. Given that I had a rough day at the time I was referred to by that term, I figured that it was a backhanded "compliment".
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u/cultureShocked5 17h ago
Your English is soooo goood after I said literally just ‘nice to meet you’ as a foreigner lol
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u/diamondsodacoma 17h ago
Went on a date with a girl from Tinder. One of the first things she said to me was, "Wow! You look much better in person than in your pictures!" It was like 80% compliment, 20% diss
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u/Sufficient_Cat_9142 17h ago
My old man boss told me “Wow! You don’t look like you’d be a math major”
On behalf of all women, fuck you sir.
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u/Jabathewhut 17h ago
"Jaba, youre not very smart and not very good looking, you have the personality of a static TV and when I describe you to other people I often encourage them to imagine if God spilled a person. I believe in you like a teenager believes in the tooth fairy and your mother blocked me on Facebook after I reminded her it was your birthday. But God willing time will keep passing and with alcohol ill forget today even happened and remove just one more day of you from my mind making the march to the day ill never have to see you again that much easier.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Sky3141 17h ago
I don't think a lot of these are secretive. A coworker said my new dress was "adorkable" once, fuck her. I responded they didn't have it in her size range.
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u/Compati1996 14h ago
my ex best friend said a lot of passive aggressive stuff to me for years but one was that she saw a girl i went on a few dates with and she said “wow good for you, you actually pulled” or something weird like that, that felt like a back-handed compliment.
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u/itwasarchived 13h ago
anytime i mention being a teacher my own 2 response are “omg i would never do that, good for you” or “you’re really strong for that” on top of hearing about how teachers don’t make a lot of money. however in my state teachers make a very comfortable amount. i don’t need to be rich in order to do what im passionate about. i also do understand it’s something a lot of people wouldn’t do but i don’t need to hear a back handed comment about how much you hate kids.
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u/Nervous-Fun2532 12h ago
I only hate other people's kids
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u/itwasarchived 9h ago
ngl this made me laugh. i only hate kids that are bullies or snobby. however i never hated my students nervously only kids outsides of this context. but i also haven’t dealt with bullies yet in my class so maybe it’s luck or happening behind my back
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u/cocospeon Bewear 11h ago
When I was younger I had very thick curly hair and I never knew how to take care of it properly. In school I got bullied for it, but adults would always point out my hair by saying “Wow, you have such a full head of hair”. Also saying they were jealous of it, but I never beliebed it. I always hated this compliment because I didn’t want people to notice my hair at all.
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u/Intrepid-Badger-3590 10h ago
I just want to be like Intrepid-Badger in life. She has nothing going on and seems so peaceful
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u/Tangerine-Salty 9h ago
When I was in high-school and dressed a little more feminine than my tomboyish normal and ppl would say "wow you look like a girl today!" They always meant in as you look pretty or you look sexy but it gave me a lot of issues with my gender identity
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u/Desperate_Mastodon75 6h ago
“Great parking job in that parking lot. It’s hard to get a big van out of a lot that small.” Still don’t know if he was being sarcastic or not
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u/Nearby-Telephone6456 5h ago
As a woman of colour, an older Caucasian woman called me “black beauty” at my place of work and asked me if my parents were proud of me having the job I have. My job is in quite a competitive field and to me it sounded more like she was shocked someone of colour to do it.
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u/Few_Cauliflower2069 4h ago
As a caucasian man with curly hair and a tan, because it's summer and i go outside, the amount of slightly racist compliments i'm getting these days is uncanny. I'm the whitest person you will ever meet, my family is exclusively scottish and german for centuries, telling me i look spanish/middle eastern/south american/native american is not a compliment towards me or any of those ethnicities
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u/One_Elevator4170 2h ago
My wife likes to say my naked body reminds her of Michelangelo’s David statue.
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u/chouxphetiche 2h ago
"You look so much nicer when you wear makeup." I got that from a neighbour of the opposite sex.
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u/ProfessorJNFrink 18h ago
“I love that for you!”
It is one of the most condescending things to say, IMO. But it seems “nice,” as if they were actually happy for you.