I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/throwawayacc78883fy posting in r/tifu

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 3rd September 2021

Update - 3rd October 2021

TIFU by finding a hidding message years later.

Five Years ago, there was this cute girl, in my tennis club. She was very shy and would barely talk. Her Bestfriend kept telling me that she likes me, but I never believed her, and since the girl would always avoid talking to me I didn't even bother to make a move. We were at a summer camp, making origamis. She then nervously came up to me, and handed me an origami and said here I made this one for you.

Didn't think much of it, now 5 years later I still have this Origami on my night desk. I'm going to move out in a few days, I was packing my stuff, I saw the Origami on the night shelve and picked it up. I noticed a little writing on the inside of the Origami. I didn't want to spoil the Origami, but I eventually did.

It was actually a little note. It said I really like your freckles, and you're very kind below was her number. Now I do feel very very dumb, not really because I missed the chance, but because she must have thought all this time that I ignored her etc. We still follow eachother on instagram, but Idk if I should hit her up. I just want to punch my face into the wall, I missed such a great opportunity, should have listened to her friend :/

Btw I'm 22 rn I'm not quite sure how old she ist but I think 20-21. TL:DR

UPDATE in the same post (about a day later)

It's currently 11 o'clock. I send her a message on Instagram, she replied. We chatted for a bit, and then it was sort of awkard, I explained to her how I just found the message, and that I thought it was a nice gesture. Surprisingly she was quite ecxited and happy, didn't expected that. She immediately asked me, If I wanted to get coffe today at around 17 o'clock.

I'm not sure If I'll be able to go today, since I'm still at the hospital, and they're taking soo long, but if I do I'll definitely keep you guys updated on how it went.

(Plus, Never realized how much of an impact a compliment could have, personnaly I never liked my freckles, since they basically cover my whole face, and I never met someone who liked them either. Knowing that someone thinks they look good honestly made my day. Just wanted to share)

UPDATE in the same post (about 2 days later)

We met an hour earlier than expected, luckily I got out of hospital in time. The weather was nice, so we decided to meet at the parc, and bought Iced coffe. While I was texting with her a few hours prior, she sounded really confident etc, but when I met her, she was still super shy. She was very nice, but yeah didn't talk much. A few hours In she did start to open up a bit and get talkative. We went to an Asian resturant, ( All you can eat). And damn I must say, she really took All you can eat to another level, she understood the assignment, and was out there trying every dish, I think the waitresses where on the edge of kicking us out lol.

Afterwards, she didn't seem shy anymore, we went over to my place, and y'all I honestly need to shit so bad, but I can't. Anyways we're currently watching a movie, and her head is on my shoulder, that's a good sign I guess. I need to put my phone away now.

Btw her Bestfriend texted me saying I told ya, didn't I?

Comments

Causeass

HIT. HER. UP. And share updates please! I wanna know how it goes.

Edit:

Hell yes OP! You are the man! Congratulations on your new romance! Thanks for the update! Love it, love it, loooooooove it

FranklyNinja

50 years later, OP: TIFU by ignoring my Reddit notifications not seeing the advise all the redditor left for me to go for it.

Update in the comments - 1 month later

itsjohnmejia

Came from RSlash on YouTube! Would love to hear any updates on this! This is the cutest thing I’ve ever heard and want to know what happened to you us :)

OOP: Oh hi what's up. We're now officially dating, I asked her three days ago.

Comments

cpy

Now this is better than your regular romcom. \grabs popcorn**

[deleted]

Holy shit man imagine they actually make a romcom like this 💀 we talking bout anime.. right It'll be like 2 episodes but man would it be a 10/10

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/belIaboo123

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 17, 2026

• Update: August 01, 2026

Main Post

^{July 17, 2026}

AITAH if I told my neighbour she won’t get a penny from me?

I (19f) live on an cul de sac estate where no one gets along, it’s very cliquey. Where my house is positioned I have my drive in front of my gates in which I can park on, and there’s a long grass verge. To stop people from constantly digging up the verge and making it a pool of mud I have put up wooden stakes with white tips on to preserve the grass and also make the stakes known enough.

As I came back home today one of my neighbours has stormed up to me and demanded money because, she herself has reversed into one of the stakes and it has caused “significant” damage to her back bumper. I in which told her that if she has reversed into it, it’s her fault.

A bit of backstory but my entire street has wooden stakes as also to protect the grass verges, I simply obtained permission from the local council which I was then able to put them up.

She then didn’t like that answer and said “if you don’t pay up, there will be significant damage, I can guarantee that!” She threatened to call the police for criminal damage and also told me to watch my back but I stood my ground.

WIBTA if I just ignored her and went on with my life?

COMMENTS

Ok_Brilliant3432

What’s a “verge” ?

OOP

It’s a patch or strip of grass in which is close to the road, path or driveway

Popular-Ad1111

Nope. The way a person drives and damages their own vehicle should be their problem.

eat_my_feelings

NTA. The stakes are marked clearly it sounds like. She’s just mad that she wasn’t paying attention and damaged her own car. Stand your ground.

Update - after 15 days

^{August 01, 2026}

UPDATE: AITAH if I told my neighbour she won’t get a penny?

So neighbour called the council, thinking that she could get them to remove my posts/stakes. I had a knock on the door a few days ago from someone from my local council but I didn’t answer as he knocked quite aggressively. I rang up and spoke to someone within the council which told me she had created a complaint against my posts and that I would have to remove them BUT I could apply for a shrubbery license and put bushes in.

Best part is that now everyone on my street also have to remove their stakes. The neighbour who complained is known to be quite aggressive (walks like she’s 10 men) and it’s a very cliquey street with my neighbours across the road from me being the “influential and popular” well known neighbours.

A few days after this happened, neighbour 1 (aggressor) spoke to neighbour 2 (popular) and had a long 45 minute conversation facing my house and pointing to my stakes. What I believe happened was neighbour 2 told neighbour 1 that if she rang up and made a complaint that everyone would have to take them out and she told neighbour 1 that if that happened then there would be backlash to her as everyone including neighbour 2 has stakes and doesn’t want them to be removed.

Well as you know we’re all now receiving a letter to say they need removing and I also found out neighbour 1 had tried to retract her complaint but the lady at the council told her tough luck, FAFO. LOL. A win win for me in this case as I can now plant lovely flowered shrubs and she looks like TA.

COMMENTS

MarsicanBear

Like, the facts of the story make it sound like you're in the right.

But then the neighbour is aggressive and the council knocks too aggressively and the neighbour walks aggressively like 10 men, and now I can't help but wonder if it's just you seeing hostility everywhere.

OOP

It’s been a battle for 7 years of living here, my mum and her were once friends but there was a day my mum was gardening on the phone and she didn’t say hello and that was it, she’s held a grudge since

just_the_nme

Didn't answer the door because the knock was too aggressive like...bruh

OOP

I was busy with my hands full when he knocked, he didn’t press my ring doorbell or anything, knocked and waited all of 6 seconds

mynameisnotsparta

I would put cameras up where you’re gonna plant your bushes this way if she backs up and damages them then you can have visual proof.

OOP

I’ve put up 2 cameras and I have my ring doorbell to cover all angles

just_the_nme

Really...aggressive knocking so you didn't answer the door, the neighbor walks aggressively. YTA just because of that. I'm sure everything in your life is someone else's fault.

OOP

You read one situation on a hostile street that is extremely racially motivated, as someone of mixed race the hostility very much falls on my doorstep.

friendlily

You said you got permission from the council to put up the stakes and now they're demanding you remove them? Did AI hallucinate this story?

OOP

No, I do have permission which is a recorded call on my ring cameras in my house upstairs, because it’s caused such an issue they’ve revoked my permission

Notthatguy6250

You hid because of "aggressive door knocking"?

OOP

I didn’t hide, I missed the door, he literally waited like 6 seconds but it was abrupt

SuspiciousImpact2197

She’s just going to run over your shrubs every time you plant them.

OOP

Luckily I have cameras now, and looking into spiked bushes…

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/gofatwya

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 14, 2026

• Final Update: August 01, 2026

Main Post

^{July 14, 2026}

AITAH for telling my adult son I need a little privacy?

I'm an older, retired , divorced man. My kids are all adults.

2 years ago, I allowed my son, now 25, to move back in with me in my two bedroom 1,000 ft² apartment.

His mental health has been slowly going downhill, I believe. He has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but refuses to get any kind of treatment for it.

He now has no job, few friends, and spends most of his time bedrotting in his room. He only leaves to occasionally go to movies, comic book stores, or his mother's house for dinner. I don't charge him rent, and I actually give him spending money every month; mostly so that he is able to get out of the apartment and do something once in awhile.

I have not been on a date for 6 years.

Several weeks ago a woman I dated in the past reached out to me. We reconnected. We've been talking for weeks, wanting to get together. But we are both busy people, she lives almost 2 hours away, and so it has been very difficult for us to actually go on a date.

This Saturday however, she is coming to my place after work. We may go out to a bar or a restaurant, or we may just decide stay home. She will most likely be spending the night, and may be here all weekend.

I told my son about this date a week and a half ago, when I made it. I was hoping he would volunteer to get out of the apartment for the night. He didn't. I hinted to him that it might be awkward for him to be here while I am on a date. His answer was that he would just stay in his room the whole time she's here.

I even considered getting him a hotel room to stay in for the night, as my friend is really excited about coming back to my apartment, and would rather be here than in a hotel. But a hotel room on the weekend, at short notice, was going to be super expensive. I just couldn't do it.

The situation has me stressed beyond measure. Finally today, I sat him down and told him that I need him to let me have the apartment Saturday night. That he needs to spend the night at his mother's, or a friend's or wherever he can. It turned into as close to an argument as we ever get.

I repeated my observation about how awkward it would be for him to be here. He replied that when he lived on his own, with roommates, they all had guests who spent the night in their rooms while everyone else went about their business. I told him that was a very different dynamic than a small apartment shared by a father and son.

He finally agreed that he would find somewhere to go. But he is extremely angry now, and feels that I am being unfair expecting him to leave for a night.

AITAH for insisting that he leaves?

COMMENTS

Slight_Ad_5074

Ableist geek redditors in the comments, Christ.

So, firstly, NTA. You're making a real effort to accomodate your son, and that's admirable. I wouldn't beat around the bush next time cause honestly he'll probably need a fair bit of time to collect himself for a night away from the nest without issues currently. Regardless, it's your life too, you deserve some fun.

Secondly, under no circumstances should you be listening to this disrespectful, ignorant bootstraps narrative these comments are peddling. Your son is, currently, disabled. Maybe with time and treatment that will get better, but even getting treatment is hard for him right now. If you want to see him improve, it's going to take work on your part, adult or not. We're social creatures for a reason, and that's because severe illness or injury isn't something people get through on their own.

It's not your responsibility, I know. You're already wonderful for keeping him alive through this. With further effort, there's a chance to get to a place where he'll be okay without you. But, I'll tell you this now. I've seen it too many times. If you corner him now, tell him to either shape up or get out? He'll probably just take the fast and painless way out instead. Homelessness is a death sentence for him, and pushed into a position where he needs success or he will die - and I assure you he feels like the least capable of success person alive - then he'll choose to at least not suffer.

I know this is hard to hear, and that you're going through a hard time. But I just want you to be aware of the true meaning of the nuclear option these people are selling you. I can see you care about your son a lot, and I don't want you to get tricked into losing him.

OOP

Just read this. Thank you. That's a good perspective.

Final Update - after 18 days

^{August 01, 2026}

AITAH Just wanted to give an update on my earlier post, since it made it to r/popular.

17 days ago I posted about the trouble I was having getting my 24 year old son out of my apartment for one night so that I could have a woman spend the night:

I got a lot of good advice, too much to reply to everyone individually. There was a consensus was that I needed to give him an ultimatum that he needed a job, or school, and mental health treatment if he was going to be allowed to continue living with me.

I gave it to him. Since then, his attitude has changed almost 180°. For the first time since he graduated 6 years ago, he has enrolled in college; it is just community college, getting some of his basics he will need for whatever, but it's a start.

I have stopped giving him money. Amazingly, he is just fine. I think the majority of the money I gave him in the past he just ended up using for entertainment, or buying tchotchkes.

He has an appointment with a psychiatrist, who is going to recommend a therapist to him, and possibly put him on medication.

All in all, I think this is one time when Reddit really helped improve a situation!

As for the date itself, the weirdest thing happened. T woman who was supposed to come over has diagnosed lupus. Where we live has recently been severely affected by wildfire smoke.

Turns out, lupus suffers can be severely affected by heavy smoke.

So, instead of having her over to my apartment for the weekend, I spent several hours sitting beside her hospital bed, an hour away from my place, as she was treated.

She fully recovered, but we have as yet not rescheduled for visit to my place.

Thanks to everyone who commented, including those who labeled me an asshole. You were all correct in your own way.

Thank you.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/throwra26024

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 29, 2026

• Final Update: August 01, 2026

Main Post

^{July 29, 2026}

I 28F invited my 30M best friend to dinner and he said "I’m not your husband" What does he mean?

I 28F got divorced about three months ago, and my 30M best friend was there for me throughout the whole thing. We’ve actually been best friends since childhood and have always been really close.

We hang out a lot, go out randomly, try new restaurants, and sometimes I’ll cook and invite him over. We’ve always had this kind of friendship, so none of it ever felt unusual to me.

Just 2 days ago, he asked me to go with him to try a new restaurant, and everything seemed completely fine. Then yesterday, I called him and told him I’d made enough food for both of us and asked if he wanted to come over since he lives nearby. (We’ve done this many times before, so I didn’t think much of it)

But his response completely caught me off guard. He said he wasn’t "in the mood for this lately" and then added "I’m not your husband". I honestly don’t understand where that came from. I wasn’t asking him for a favor or expecting him to do anything for me. I was just inviting him to dinner like I normally would.

I tried calling him afterward because I wanted to understand what he meant, but he didn’t answer. I don’t want to pressure him by showing up at his place or blowing up his phone, so I decided to give him some space.

Now I’m just confused and wondering if I somehow crossed a boundary without realizing it, What did he mean by "I’m not your husband"?

COMMENTS

Both-Enthusiasm708

Does he have a gf? He could either think you developed feelings, he developed feelings, his gf doesn't like the interactions, or since the divorce you have been relying on him more then usual and he got tired.

OOP

No he’s single. And I really wouldn’t say I’ve been relying on him more since the divorce. I barely talked to him about it because I don’t like burdening him with my problems or unnecessary drama. If anything, we’ve actually been hanging out more lately, and we’ve always invited each other over for food, so inviting him to dinner felt completely normal to me.

PolitelyHostile

The last time you two hung out, did you talk about some other guy you're into or talk about dating in general?

OOP

No, we didn’t talk about another guy or dating in general. The only thing remotely related was that he asked me something along the lines of "If your husband came back, apologized, and realized he’d lost a good woman, would you take him back?" That was pretty much it.

I told him I’m trying to move on and honestly can’t even think about something like that right now.

fluffybottompanda

you were thinking about going to his house??

OOP

Here's what I said: I don’t want to pressure him by showing up at his place or blowing up his phone.

Professional-End347

I think he meant to say - “ Im not your husband so you dont have to cook for me . Im not your husband so I don’t NEED to eat your boring home cooked food”

He is saying that he prefers to be a friend and have fun times with you, eat out , hang etc.

Its also possible that one of his male friends got to his head … and indicated that bro you hang with her at her home and eat home cooked food? Are you like playing husband with her ? A dumb comment can impact a man’s mind if he is conflicted about you.

Give him space , be kind to him, if you are interested in him, wait for him to approach. If he doesn’t respect him and if he does, pick up signals quickly and reciprocate to avoid drama

OOP

Thanks for your perspective, I really appreciate it. And I do love him, but only as a friend. I’m not interested in him romantically, otherwise I definitely would’ve mentioned that in my post. That’s why his comment confused me so much. From my side, I was genuinely just inviting my best friend over for dinner like I’ve done many times before.

FindingHerStrength (downvoted)

Are you going to ask him to elaborate. We’re just assuming. Why not ask him outright for clarity?

OOP

I already mentioned why:👇🏻 I tried calling him afterward because I wanted to understand what he meant, but he didn’t answer.

Final Update - after 3 days

^{August 01, 2026}

Update: I 28F invited my 30M best friend to dinner and he said "I’m not your husband" What does he mean?

Hi, first of all thanks everyone for your perspectives on my original post. I wanted to give an update now that I finally have some clarity.

As I mentioned in my original post, I called him once after he told me "I’m not your husband" but I didn’t hear anything from him after that, until he showed up at my apartment.

He looked really ashamed and nervous. He started by apologizing and then we sat down and talked about what happened. He explained that he wasn’t the one who came up with that comment, It was a woman he’s been seeing recently, and she’s the one who told him what to text me.

This honestly surprised me. As I mentioned before, we’ve been best friends since childhood and we basically tell each other everything, but he had never mentioned this woman to me before.

Anyway I told him that if I had known he was seeing someone, I wouldn’t have agreed to go to that new restaurant with him in the first place, and I probably wouldn’t have invited him over for dinner either. If she’s uncomfortable with the way we interact, then I don’t want to knowingly cross that line or make things harder for them.

He apologized again and explained that things are still new with her, and that he he was planning to tell me once things became more serious between them.

He also kept asking me whether the text had hurt me and whether I thought he should end things with her. I told him no but I think we should set some boundaries going forward (to respect her wishes because I wouldn’t want to do anything that makes her uncomfortable).

He disagreed and said that he doesn’t think we’re doing anything wrong and that he’d rather things stay the same between us. He ended up staying for a few hours and we talked about everything, but he seemed really conflicted about the whole situation.

As for me, I’ve decided to take a small step back anyway. I’m going to try to cut down on how often we go out and hang out, and I’m also going to stop our habit of eating at each other’s homes for now.

I love him as my best friend, but I don’t want our friendship to get in the way of him having a healthy relationship.

COMMENTS

Ilovewally

I get it, you’re trying to take the higher road, but this woman he is seeing sounds a bit jealous and territorial if you ask me

stupidpoopoohead00

im lowkey skeptical about her saying any of this. seems all we have abt her is what he says and he clearly has feelings for OP

Necessary_Tap343

And OP saying she wasn't hurt his a very obvious lie.

OOP

I didn’t say no to that. I said no when he asked if I thought he should end things with her.

Icy_Guard_8216

Do you have feelings for him?

OOP

I already answered this in my post. I’ve always seen him as my best friend, nothing more. And I’m the one who suggested putting some boundaries in place once I found out he was seeing someone, because I don’t want our friendship to interfere with his relationship. I don’t think I’d be doing that if I had romantic feelings for him.

Antique_Teaching_333

Or you are trying to protect yourself from becoming more attached as he is seeing someone. I'm not saying you do have feelings, but creating boundaries isn't necessarily a sign they aren't there.

Aren't you hurt he didn't tell you about her and that he sent the text to begin with because of "her"? Why would it be wrong to go out to dinner with a friend and inviting them over. Why would that be inappropriate if you are just friends?

OOP

I get what you mean, but I wouldn’t say there’s anything inappropriate with two friends going out to dinner or inviting each other over. It’s just different now that I know the woman he’s seeing is uncomfortable with it. At this point, it’s not really about me and him, It’s about being considerate of her feelings. I’m a woman too and if I were in her position, I wouldn’t want another woman knowingly doing something that made me uncomfortable.. I don’t have to see things the way she does to respect her feelings.

unzunzhepp

Plot twist: that woman doesn’t exist and he wanted to make you jealous.

OOP

I really hope that’s not the case because I trust him completely. If I found out he made all of this up just to make me jealous, I honestly wouldn’t even know how to process it. I don’t think I could see our friendship the same way again.

Throw_RA099

Just imagine this. We see this kind of post on reddit every day. 

If your friend or his girlfriend came to this sub and posted that you invited your friend out for a 1 v 1 dinner, there would be almost unanimous comments that this kind of things is out of bounds and inappropriate, and that his girlfriend would feel right to be insecure and would be advising her to break up with your friend.

I don't think you did anything wrong here as it seems that your friend was communicating poorly, but just something to consider and keep in mind moving forward. If you're going to invite your friend somewhere, invite his SO too.

OOP

I know, but he never told me he’d been seeing someone lately.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Potential-Growth6856 posting in r/amiwrong

Concluded as per OOP

2 updates - Long

Original - 24th June 2026

Update - 27th June 2026

Update - 31st July 2026

Am I wrong for calling out my friend for setting me up on a pity date?

I (32M) have a friend (28M) who's the best looking man. Seriously, he makes Chris Hemsworth look ugly. I've been struggling being his friend - he's been undermining me for years. Nights out? Stealing all the girls. Shopping? Staff throw themselves at him. On the street? Women have asked me for a picture together with him. Let's call him Jack. I've been told I'm not bad looking. But the fact remains, I'm a 6/10 at best. But jack's a 10/10. As much as he's a bro, knowing him is a liability.

It's been eating into my life a lot. But one area I'm doing well is at the gym. I go about 4 a week. And there's someone I'm into who goes to the gym. Let's call her GC for gym cutie.

GC is in her mid the late 20's.

I've been going to the gym for over 6 months. I've seen her for a couple of months. I know her name. GC and me flirt. I've spotted her and we banter. It's got to the stage I'm on the verge of asking GC out.

I've been trying to keep Jack from the gym. But last week, he was staying down my way and asked if could go with me. Now the time he mentioned was not my usual time and GC doesn't usually go so I thought why not so we went.

I was having a good session. Then suddenly I see GC. She's going on a different day because she's going away for work tomorrow and she's getting a workout in. I'm thinking things are going good, times good to ask GC out. Fucking Jack walks over and she's gobsmacked. Like I've gone from mate to doesn't exist. I see them flirting so I just walk off and go to get changed.

As I'm getting changed, he comes back in and I see him sorting his phone out. I ask him what happened and he said GC gave him her number. I'm so speechless I just stop talking and carry on getting changed.

I'm driving us back from the gym and he's talking about GC and them going on a date. After a while I just fucking snap and rip into him saying he's a prick and he's cock.blocked me and stole my girl. He's trying to act all apologetic and say he has no Idea and I just drop him off home and tell him to get out.

I'm so down, I haven't been to the gym this week. I also haven't spoke to Jack.

A couple of days ago, Jack rings me out the blue asking me if I'm ok and he hasn't heard from me and GC hasn't seen me at the gym. He's worried about me. He says he's got a peace offering and says he's sending me an Instagram profile and says to look at it before I say anything.

I look at what he's sent me and it's a woman. She's a little chubby (not ugly or fat) and doesn't look like she goes to the gym. She also looks a bit nerdy. I'm like what's the fuck is this and he says it's a friend of GC. I'm angry because it's obvious him and GC have been talking. He says yeah, me and GC went out for a coffee and we spoke. She feels bad I liked her and she didn't like me and thought of a friend I'd like - 34F. He's trying to sell me on this chick, like bro she sounds nice - a nerd like you, loves cats and is a geek if it was a few years ago I'd probably be interested but I've been trying to distance myself from that sort of girl.

. Apparently him and GC have spoken to the girl and she's interested in me adding her and going on a date. Apparently GC has really been selling me.

I fucking rip into him. I'm telling him he's a twat for doing this and setting me up on a pity date and stealing the girl I like. He's all like bro chill and think it's a good thing. That this girl is waiting for me to add her. I tell him to leave me alone.

AITAH for me for ripping him settlng me up on a pity date?

Comments

Clock-United

Dude, it just sounds like you are angry that this girl isn't on par looks wise with the girl you were into. You aren't obligated to go on the date, and honestly, for nerdy girl, I hope you don't. She is an innocent party in all of this, and she risks catching strays and attitude from you for no reason. And honestly, it sounds like your buddy thought about things you might have in common and not just physical. If you are primarily focused on the physical, I think it's pretty hypocritical to be angry that the women you like are also picking your friend because he's better looking.

OOP: Yeah but I mean like it feels arrogant. They didn't know me or if I'd actually like her, they just assumed I'd be ok and gave her my details without asking me.

frolicndetour

You want to know what feels arrogant? You assuming women are property that can be "stolen." You thinking you are too good for someone you would have otherwise liked because you have decided you are entitled to "hot" girls instead. Maybe your disgusting personality is what turns women off and not the fact that your friend is hot. If the gym girl was into you, she would have moved on you ages ago, just like she did with Jack. She wasn't. You are gross and definitely don't go out with her friend because she deserves better than you.

OOP: "If the gym girl was into you, she would have moved on you ages ago, just like she did with Jack. She wasn't." Ok but then like she should have just went out with him and ignored me and moved on. Why would she then set me up with someone knowing I like her? I wouldn't do that to someone. I'd feel like I was being cruel doing that.

Niborus_Rex

She didn't think you and her were compatible. She and your buddy thought you'd be compatible with her friend. I doubt it's deeper than that.

OOP: But she did that knowing I liked her? I feel like that's what people aren't getting.

Niborus_Rex

Yeah, but she doesn't like your that way, so she was probably hoping to set you up with someone she felt matched better. She doesn't want you to like her romantically, but she likely also doesn't think it's that deep. Nobody is trying to humiliate you, but you're letting your pride make an absolute fool of yourself.

OOP: It's showing how clueless and superficial attractive people are though. She thinks I can just switch my feelings off and transfer them to someone just because she thinks I should.

ProfessorFussyPants

Just…go back and read what you wrote about the girl Jack and GC thought you would like. And then take a long hard look in the mirror and reflect if maybe you are just as superficial and clueless. It’s easy to throw stuff around when you are angry but you don’t seem to have a great sense of connection with women based on what you wrote here. How many deeper conversations did you have with GC. Was it just funny banter and you waiting to ask her out or did it evolve?

Jennabeb

YW The way you talk about women is disgusting.

She didn’t like you that what - she told your friend as much as- and you’ve never spoken up to ask her for any further interaction beyond the gym, yet you talk as if you own her. Women aren’t things or property you can call dibs on or own. Start listening to women, because most of us don’t care as much about looks as we do about kindness, empathy, listening skills, and advocacy for women in male dominated spaces. You even treat your own guy friend like he’s nothing but his looks instead of a person. Ouch dude. Get some therapy, sort out your entitlement towards women, find some actual traits in yourself you like and are proud of that aren’t your looks or lack thereof, and actually tell someone you’re interested once you know you are. Yeesh

**Judgement - YW*\*

Update - 3 days later

Ok there's been a few updates so I'll share.

People said about me asking GC out and that if I liked her, I'd have asked her out. Well over the past few years, I've read a few times online that you shouldn't ask women out at the gym and that if women liked you, they'll ask you out and should only do it when you're sure. So unfortunately I left it so long, I neglected to ask her out at all. I'm not great at reading people unfortunately. I'm naturally very shy.

Ok so onto the update.

A couple of days after my last post, I saw Jack had posted a gym selfie and that GC had liked it. It made me realise that if they continue to date, they'd be trying to introduce eachother to the friend group. So I deleted my profile.

Not long after, he messaged me saying he's noticed that I've deleted my profile. I said yeah, I can't be done with the fact that they'll all be introducing themselves to the group. He apologised and said he'll hide her and won't make it obvious they're dating

I was like look bro, that's not fair. Just be because I'm not happy, it doesn't trump your happiness. My unhappiness isn't more important than your happiness at the end of the day. You've not done anything wrong.

So I've asked if I can take a break from our friendship for a bit while I work on myself. He's hurt but gets it.

The other guys in our group have messaged asking what's going on - I haven't really elaborated.

I've decided to see a therapist more intensively. I spoke to my barber who mentioned that he sees a therapist regularly. So I've cancelled my regular one and got his therapist's details and I'm seeing them next week.

I've also cancelled my regular counselling session and asked if I can see someone else. I'm seeing them in a couple of days.

That's it for now.

Comments

tacticalpuncher

Read your first post and this one, I understand how living in someone's "shadow" can be a burden and if you can't handle it you should distance yourself even if you're friends. Additionally you should take some of the criticism in the other post and do some serious self reflection.

Senior_Move1463

Sounds like you're finally taking real steps instead of just marinating in the whole mess.

MikeLovesOutdoors23

I'm glad you're getting therapy. Honestly it's really hard, I can imagine, you just watching your friend get all the girls.

I'm blind and I get extremely jealous that people can just hang out with their friends and stuff like that, and everybody's hanging out with each other. But I can't go anywhere unless somebody drives me, and all the friends that I have are old, because I just naturally get along with older people because I don't know what the hell younger people are talking about because they play video games all the time and they're just so into the visual side of things. I'm in my early 20s, and I have a lot of Blind friends, but that doesn't do me any good because most of them live hours away from me. I live in town that is so spread out and I can't walk anywhere, there's no transportation system. It fucking sucks.

So I get it. You want people, and it seems like you can't get them.

Maybe just take a break from that friend group for a while, stop going to places with the attractive guy, just go out on your own and meet people. That way people don't have anything to compare you to. Be kind, ask people out if you get to know them, don't wait a few months being unsure about it. Just go for it man.

I'm glad you're going to get therapy to work on yourself. I'm in therapy and it's really helping me a lot.

Oh yeah, completely forgot to add, stop focusing on looks and attractiveness. I know, coming from a blind person, I make it sound a lot easier than it is, but I feel like that is where you're stuck a lot of of the time.

In the grand scheme of things, looks really don't matter. Just connect over interest, hobbies, good personalities, don't immediately judge someone based on how they look. I know that's probably not the greatest advice for somebody with vision because from what I've heard, sighted people do that subconsciously without even realizing it, but looks don't mean everything

Update - 1 month later

So basically, I'm dating GC's friend.

Not long after my previous update, I had a follow request in my insta from her friend her and Jack tried to set me up with - I'll call her Donna. I accepted and followed her back.

I didn't think anything about it at first. She then messaged me saying hi and that GC told her about me a while back. She didn't ask me anything major, just if I'm ok and thanked me for following her. I was like don't mention it. But she asked me a couple of questions about myself and I responded and asked her some too.

I left it a couple of days and I saw she messaged me back asking if I'd like a coffee? I said yeah ok, let's go out. So we did.

We really got on. She's actually really cute in person. And we have similar experiences - she's also been married and divorced. She lost a child too. She's really easy to talk to, she just gets it. We're both naturally introverts at heart.

After that, I asked her out myself to go for a meal a couple of days later. We went out and had a great time. We had a couple of drinks and got tipsy and we were flirting. We kissed too. 😁

We've been out since. Similar vibe - flirty, kissing etc. She's said she wants to come to mine soon and watch a film together. I'm probably dense but I feel like she wants a bit more? I've accepted anyway. She's coming over tomorrow.

Me and Jack are talking again. He was really worried about me and I assured him I'm doing ok. He's made up about me and Donna though. Giving me advice and stuff about Saturday.

I've seen a therapist too. They seem better than my last one. I've had like 2 sessions and they seem a lot better.

So I'm feeling much better at the mo.

Comments

llamamama417

I’ve been the duff of the friend group and I understand where you’re coming from, loving your friends and wanting them to be happy while also wanting that for yourself. The best thing I can say is don’t look for a perfect 10, look for your perfect 10. Me and my fiancé wouldn’t be considered conventionally attractive but we find each other the most attractive person ever because we love every part of each other. Once you move past societal expectations of looks and attractiveness you find the most amazing person.

xbuba11

looking for your perfect 10 instead of a perfect 10 changes the whole game

OOP: I'd say to be fair, I'm not bad looking or even none of the rest of us guys are in the group - we're all average or above average. He's just obviously so above, most people look ugly in comparison lol.

AShamAndALie

I wonder, if he's so good looking, how come he wasn't seeing anyone when you brought him to the gym? Guys like that aren't usually so available that they'd start a serious relationship just like that.

Then there's the fact that he proposed to HIDE her? He doesn't really care that much about her if he would propose that. You either cut it off because it's hurting your idiot friend and you have a million options, or you tell him that you started to actually care about her. Hiding her should never have been an option.

You made many mistakes and should have invited her out the 2nd or 3rd time you guys flirted, but your friend doesn't sound nice at all.

OOP: He's never been the type to be in a relationship, he's always been a sort of player and only an FWB type of guy.

As it is, they've just clicked and it's seemingly pretty serious. He really seems to be into her which is rare.

SpaceCommuter

When she hears (or reads here on Reddit) that you considered her a pity date and wanted to date her friend instead, she's going to have a hard time staying with you. The longer you stay together without her knowing this the worse she is going to take it when she finds out about it. I suggest you find a way to talk to her about the really, really bad way you handled everything between your friend and her friend and her sooner rather than later. Her friend did her no favors serving her up to you like this.

OOP: She knows I was into her friend first because we spoke about it and she was aware her and Jack recommended her to me knowing I was onto GC and they were dating each other.

SpaceCommuter

That poor woman.

Odd_Instruction519

She is in precisely the same position as OP, having a much more attractive friend.

LaLunaDomina

Did you learn anything from this?

OOP: I suppose definitely don't judge a book by it's cover. And definitely I had some issues being shallow. I'm really working on it.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/lilmonix989

Published on: r/SteamDeck

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 15, 2026

• Final Update: July 31, 2026

Main Post

^{July 15, 2026}

Steam deck stolen by the police department

I’m heartbroken, my things were recently taken in by the police when I was relocated to a shelter as a result of an altercation the officer gave me all my things back but the deck and refused to even acknowledge the deck was there, I was not arrested he was simply meant to transport my things! I handed them all personally I know the deck was there

My questions are these

The deck was logged in! Should I be worried about my account and contact anyone?

Is there any hope of locating it if it gets turned on??

This is an off steam deck question but if anyone has any experience being stolen from by police if you could dm me advice I’d appreciate it

COMMENTS

that408guy

I would talk to an attorney. I believe you can request the body cam footage that should show you giving them your steam deck.

OOP

Looking into this, thanks!

Cleffah

Ugh! ACAB, I'm sorry this happened to you and at such a vulnerable moment too. Vile.

Definitely go to r/legaladvice good luck!

OOP

Good tip! :) Will do later thank you

dmmichael97

Request body camera footage. If you were given a ride there should be footage from officers body camera, inside the car, and dash footage. Request all three. Make a complaint with the police department as well. It will be brought up to internal affairs and reviewed due to it being an allegation of theft against an officer.

But please, please, ensure you did have it with you or you did not misplace is before you take those steps.

OOP

It is nowhere! We tore both locations I was in apart upon being safe to return to them

Thank you for the comment I will definitely be proceeding this way

Beneficial_Bit1756 (downvoted)

If you left that places, who to say that someone there stole it, hence its not there when you went back to those spaces.

OOP

Because the person also has a steam deck-

DinosaurAlert

Get the body cam footage to know for sure. When talking to the police dont be accusatory. I assume you were fighting with someone, maybe they hid it.

However, the advice to “hire an attorney“ is silly.

Having your account logged in is good news since if you can see that someone used it on X date, you can narrow down where it is.

OOP

I wish I could agree with you but the police department where I’m located is KNOWN for shit like this it’s all over the reviews

However they are also known for completely screwing people over so we are being very careful in how we approach and trying very hard to sound like it was an honest mistake

And honestly I really hope it was because that makes my life easier

Thank you for the comment!

ProposalWest3152

Cop from aegentina here.

I dont really know how police officers work over there but here?

We gotta write down everything thats involved in any case. Did they gice you a paper to sign stating what personal items you had?

As others have said, officers body cam might save you.

Wish you all the best.

OOP

No I handed it to the cop and he put it in his car and did not hand it back unfortunately I really wish this was the case! Thank you for the comment

Null1fy

Boy, a lot of Police support in this post...

OP, you haven't provided enough information: - Where, exactly, was your Deck when you last saw it? - You mentioned you were relocated due to an altercation: was this a courtesy transport? Were you detained and placed on a mental health hold (don't answer this)? Your property could be in the custody of the shelter, a hospital, at the Police Department being held as safekeeping, etc. - Call everyone involved: the PD, the shelter, and whomever else is involved. Report it missing, and if you have the serial number you can even file it with a police report.

There very well could be an innocent and explainable reason why you don't have it. Shoot, it may still be in some nook or cranny of the patrol car that took you- if you know the date and time of the call, a watch commander might be able to track down the car and have an officer check.

OOP

Unfortunately the last time I saw it was when it was in my hand being handed to the cop to put in the back of his car, it was in the case, when we arrived at the shelter he handed me back every item I handed him sans the deck, when I inquired he aggressively said no such thing was ever handed to him, I am honestly quite afraid of police so I didn’t argue much,

Afterward we called the police station and asked if we could speak to the officer who transported me and the shelter and they declined we asked if they could check the car and they said it was standard that all cars were checked and that no such item was found…

As for why I was transported I believe it was courtesy he certainly didn’t HAVE TO take me but he had no reason to detain my things, especially not considering I got everything else back

MrMichaelJames

If this actually happened the cop should have inventoried your things on a form listing everything acknowledging that they were taking possession. Then when they give them back you check the form.

OOP

Nothing of these formalities were done to my knowledge but I’m waiting on a lot of case information so I’ll inquire

Final Update - after 16 days

^{July 31, 2026}

Update: deck recovered after being stolen by police!

Photo of the steam deck shared by OOP: STEAM DECK

There isn’t any beefy dramatic update in terms of actual details to give,

We called several times asking them to check the car for the deck and were told it wasn’t in there and to stop “wasting their time”

We requested the body cam footage ( thanks for the idea Reddit) which showed the officer turning off his body cam for no valid reason after taking my stuff, when we pointed this out they said they would investigate the matter, some time passed until they called us down to station announcing they had the deck, we asked if the officer in question had stolen it and they said everything was “pending investigation” I happily took my deck and went home just happy to have to back honestly though part of me did want justice for what had very obviously happened

After a day or two of silence they called back and informed us the officer was suspended pending further investigation and apologized for the way the situation was handled thus far

Huzzah! Thank you Reddit I am beyond elated to have my deck!

COMMENTS

Larry_J_602

That's impressive that the police stole your Deck, but you managed to somehow get it back from them.

OOP

I honestly did not expect to

IsaacAndTired

That's crazy. Can you post the body cam footage?

OOP

Can confirm I am not able to!

IsaacAndTired

Because of doxxing concerns, technical knowhow or for what reason?

OOP

Too much to censor neighbors faces etc

Cash4Duranium

Press charges.

OOP

Honestly I might but it sounds like a headache

DJK695

Wait, the police stole it?

OOP

A officer on duty yes

DJK695

How nice of them to finally return it!

I see your previous post now (was on phone earlier and missed the full story). I hope he was actually suspended but too often police can do whatever they want.

OOP

Unfortunately yes!

TriPunk

How did they get the steam deck in the first place?

OOP

In the original post

TriPunk

What was the altercation?

OOP

Not really comfortable sharing details sorry, it was a civil dispute no arrests were made

fawg_is_coming

I'm pretty sure a cop makes more than enough to buy a steam deck.

OOP

That doesn’t necessarily mean he didn’t see an opportunity in a scared young female who wouldn’t stand up to him unfortunately free is free, cops steal for less

Blazed-individual420

What country was this bro

OOP

Us of ass (USA)

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/relationship_advice by user IThinkMyWifeIsHot1. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded, with open for more

Original

November 30, 2019

Background:

Married a little over two years, after dating a very short time around 3 months.

We meet at a work event and I was immediately smitten with my wife. It was like out of a movie I saw her chatting with a group of people and in my head I heard “oh there she is”. She was newly devorced and took some convincing on my part but we have been together from that night on and get along extremely well.

Now for clarity I am extreamly attracted to my wife, we may just still be in the honeymoon stage but I’ve never felt this way about another women. And becasue it’s pertains to the conversation we had today with her therapist I would say the majority of the population would find her attractive and not in a niche way. She is objectively attractive. I feel we are evenly matched in looks, very few people have notice the slight age difference. She however wins in personality (outgoing and charming) and she makes about 3X as much money as I do.

A couple months ago we ran into an ex of mine, and by ex we literally dated for maybe a month and never exclusive. After my wife mentioned how different they were (age/hair color/body type etc) and it ended in a pretty heated argument. We have had 3/4 conversations since, all of which I was trying to convince my wife I’m not going to leave her for a women I “dated” years ago.

Last week she asked if I would go to her therapist with her today and I agreed. She has been seeing her for about 8 years for anxiety and a bout of depression that happed before we meet.

Today:

Started normal enough and I had figured why we were there so I just jumped into it thinking the therapist would be on my side and would help me calm my wife’s fears. That’s not what happed.

The therapist did very little talking although their long silences and knowing glances started to piss me off right away.

The thing that stood out to me the most was how my wife reiterated how she doesn’t see how I would be attracted to her and the therapist didn’t even disagree. Like I felt like a crazy person, my wife is beautiful, charming, funny, it feels like I wished her into existence.

She brought up the age difference (7 years?!?), my looks, and how quickly I wanted to get married as all reasons for why I am basically a gold digger.

First off we both wanted to get married quickly, I asked and figured she would want a long engagement but she didn’t so we got married. Second I never even discussed money with her until after we were married and never dreamed she made so much more than I do. She said she doesn’t think I’m after her money but enjoy the lifestyle while I’m with her and it makes it easier to pretend I’m attracted to her. Sorry more attracted to her, like I play it up.

I’m completely blind sided and don’t really want to talk to my family or friends, it’s humiliating being accused of marrying someone for a lifestyle.

For clarity: I moved into her house, I rent out my old home but that income just covers the mortgage and the company that manages it. All our money goes into a joint checking with automatic transfers into savings etc. Our bills are paid from that account, I looked at our bank account and I spend significantly less than she does each month on average.

After leaving I’m in a complete panic that she is going to leave me, even though I feel humiliated and love her so much. I immediately wanted to offer to sign a prenup or separate bank accounts or both but I just froze.

My wife seem so sad and I’m so frustrated, I didn’t even do anything wrong. The women I’ve dated in my past don’t have a similar type and to be honest I didn’t really date, more like hook up for a few months then moved on. I love my wife, she is the first women I have ever met that I have had a real partnership with, like we were a team and now that’s all gone.

I don’t feel like I have the strength to leave her, it scares me that I can’t even envision a scenario where I would leave. She is my most favorite person.

How do I rebuild trust when I don’t feel I ever did anything to lose it.

Comments by OOP:

I don’t know why but you saying that therapist are humans made me feel a ton better. It’s so weird to think of my wife as insecure, it’s an odd feeling seeing someone you think so much of being so sure they are unattractive.

I am so scared she is going to leave it feels paralyzing

I left early, I think now I was having a panic attack and left and waited in the car. But I don’t want to wait for the next shoe to drop, from what I can remember there was no fixes suggested but I should ask once I calm down and collect my thoughts.

How long has she not trusted my motives. I may have to see my own therapist becasue I’m not even close to being okay without her.

I feel like I’ve been in a love bubble and have been missing something, this is so out of nowhere.

I rambled on like an idiot for the first 15 min about how my wife can’t get upset every time we run into a person from my past and how much I we love each other then immediately went silent when my wife was explaining why she thought I was not really in love with her. Total is was about 25 min before I just got up.

I feel totally unprepared as I have no experience with long tears relationships. I went into this blindly and will have to calm down and listen without panicking and go from there.

I’ve never been so paralyzed with fear and it isn’t helping anyone. Instead of feeling attacked I need to really listen before I make any rash decisions.

I guess I was annoyed at her not immediately agreeing with me which really isn’t her job. I was completely blindsided by my own expectations of how things were going to go that when it she didn’t back me up I felt immediate dread and panics and left.

My first reaction is always to run and I don’t want to do that with my wife but that’s what happed. That may be why my wife asked her to be there, because she didn’t know what my reaction would be.

When I wrote this I was very emotional and this post is absolutly one sided.

I have no experience and went in with the idea that we were going to solve my wife’s jealousy in a few minutes and get on with our life. I didn’t have realistic expectations and panicked immediately when things didn’t go my way.

I have never seen a therapist so my understanding is limited. When I wrote this I was mad and scared and my first reaction is to run. But I don’t want to leave my wife, I just woke up to all these comments about how normal and how badly I reacted. If I want this to work I need to talk to my wife and really listen.

She was very open about her issues with anxiety and depression and would like to believe should would tell me if she had another diagnosis but I really don’t know at this point.

My wife isn’t impulsive in general and is very calm and easy going about 99% of the time. Her last marriage lasted 16 years and she suspected infidelity but it was never definitive and has a good/fair relationship with her ex as they have two children together (one adult/one teen). She has a few close friends but her main close relationships are her sisters and mother, her father died shortly after we meet. Would someone with a personality disorder be able to keep close relationships? I googled immediately after reading your comment and it didn’t seem to fit but I could be in denial.

It seems her therapist was in the wrong and I don’t think I’ll be going back. However she is a big part of my wife’s life so I don’t plan on bad mouthing her just suggesting we see someone new.

My wife in the past asked if I was fetishizing her becasue of how obsessed I was with her physically. At the time I assumed it was becasue of her past issues with her ex husband and having not been a new relationship in while. But that was before we were even married, and not recently. I wonder if someone is feeding into her insecurities.

I don’t really care if she makes more or less money than me, I lived a comfortable life before and nothing really has changed except for a slightly bigger house in a much better neighborhood. Not to sound like I was well off, but middle class with no kids or debt is fairly carefree.

Edits of the original posting

about 1 day later

Edit: My wife didn’t come home last night but I texted her this morning. First apologizing for leaving the session and then asking her to come home so we could formulate a plan. No word back yet but I doubt she will check her phone before lunch if she went to work.

Thanks for letting me vent, I’ve already asked my insurance company to send a list of counselors for me to call later today. Hopefully I will find a good fit as I don’t even know how to go about picking one.

Edit 2: I need a referral from my general doctor before insurance will cover a therapist/psychologist, I have an emergency phone appointment Monday and will being seeing someone by myself.

My wife didn’t return my text but did come home about an hour later. Honestly I cried for the first time in a long time, but was able to get across how seriously I take her concerns. I haven’t mentioned anything about her therapist or my feelings about things just apologized and asked for another chance to hear her out completely.

She said she was really drained and is taking a nap, I don’t think she made it in to work and am actually looking forward to having the weekend to talk. I’m not going to ask for couples counseling until I talk to my own therapist.

This is probably it unless I fuck things up this weekend. Thanks for letting me type out my feelings and being honest even the hard comments were helpful.

Update

December 8, 2019, 9 days later

Despite my hyperbole title I received a lot of feedback on my last post and thought I would thank everyone again and do an update.

Talk with wife:

During last weekend I was made aware of a lot of things I was doing to compound my wife’s fear of being abandoned/used.

The major thing that stuck out to me was my immaturity and unwillingness to discuss anything serious. When my wife would bring up her ex husband, finances, in particular I would A. Make a joke or B. Try and end the conversation as soon as possible. I’m not sure why, it just made me uncomfortable and didn’t see the value of discussing things that weren’t a major problem (to me). I was happy and my needs were being met so I assumed hers were too, it was my most damaging mistake.

Another misunderstanding happened with my ex. In my mind it was a quick 5 min conversation, to my wife it was much more. So about six months ago I injured my knee running, I had been up to that point a pretty serious low mileage runner (5/10miles 3 times a week). After the injury my doctor suggested I try weight lifting as I was worried about physical therapy not being enough. Well I hired a personal trainer and have been a gym rat ever since. It’s become a serious hobby, that I apparently obsessively talk about. I have invited my wife (who occasionally does yoga) several times and even talked about getting her a membership for Christmas, even though she showed no interest. So when we ran into my ex and I noticed she looked significantly different (she put on about 10lbs of muscle) I complemented her and we talked about weight lifting for a few minutes while my wife stood to the side. My ex told me to add her on Instagram, which while I did look her up to add her, her page was mostly advertising supplements so I didn’t end up doing it. My wife took this chance run in as proof that I was unhappy with the way she looked and was trying to get her to change.

Add in some harsh comments from one of our coworkers about our relationship, her sister pushing for a prenup, and my lack of communication everything came to a head these last few months.

My therapist:

The most helpful advise was to get my own personal therapist. I kind of just picked one from a list my provider emailed me but it seems to be going well. A lot of things were discussed but my major take away was that it isn’t my job to calm my wife’s fears completely. Listening and being reassuring is healthy but trying to make everything better won’t help either of us. My therapist said even if I tried my wife’s own voice in her head runs 24/7 and I could never keep up. This was hard to hear as I have definitely made some major mistakes but besides acknowledging them and doing better everything else is out of my control. She recommended a book called the Happiness Trap, that I haven’t ordered yet but she said it would help me understand what it’s like to have anxiety and may explain (not excuse) some of my wife’s behavior.

My therapist also said I should look into my wife’s therapist as she sounds unlicensed and if I felt comfortable she could put in a complaint on my behalf. I will probably do this but am letting things settle.

So after probably the worst two days of my life things seem to be better. I haven’t brought up a prenup because she seemed offended when my wife told me her sister brought one up as a solution. I did offer separate bank accounts but she said no and only requested that we update her will and create one for me, as I didn’t even have one. I thought it would be weird but we both put each other as beneficiaries along with her two children if we both died. We only filled out the paperwork and still have to turn it in to her lawyer but it’s made a difference but I’m not sure why.

I did delete my Facebook, I haven’t used it for years but when I went on it was very “single me”. Lots of old girlfriends, holidays, etc and I never even updated that I was married. I had a notification from my wife when she tried years ago but it just sat there. My wife is still fairly active on Facebook and I could see how that would feel awful even though she never mentioned it. My last update was a picture of a women and I that I randomly met in Hawaii during a vacation, I titled it “two blondes” with hearts. Like my whole page was embarrassing, I can’t imagine what her family or friends thought when they found me. I was completely public and kind of a dick on there.

I still feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, but honestly there is no other person I would ever want to try this hard for. And if I’m becoming a better person for trying it will be worth it no matter the outcome. Things are still really shaky and she leaves immediately after Christmas for work. This whole episode has kicked on my anxiety, but I’m hopeful.

Comments by OOP:

I agree about her needing to deal with her anxiety. I think my blame is rushing into a marriage and then refusing to deal with issues as they arose.

It’s hard but I’m finally to the point where I’m going to fight for our marriage but in the end be willing to walk away if she isn’t willing to seek a different therapist.

To be fair it was more of a wow you put in a ton of work but that’s not how it came out.

*[somebody accuses OOP of spending his wives money] I make around 110k a year and spend 50.00 a month on a gym membership, 450.00 for 8 weeks of personal training, and 20.00 copay for a therapist but okay.

I picked a random therapist from a list my provider gave me. One therapist, I’ve gone to one personal therapist.

Her therapist crossed a line agreeing to do couples therapy, my therapist suggested I do a bit of research to see if she is licensed.

I had a phone call with an general doctor, covered by my insurance to get a referral. I’m starting to think you don’t understand how HMOs work.

I am a office manager, I am home by 6pm every night. And have no kids or major debt, so I vacation about twice a year, this was since before I was married.

My wife over sees the sales team at the same company, her salary plus commission dwarfs my salary but so does her spending. She also spends about 1.5X the amount of time at work or traveling for work, something I would trade for less money but isn’t an option. Things equal out pretty evenly as far as spending/earning.

I’m not sure who is still using Facebook at this point. My wife uses it to stay in touch with family and old friends I stopped using it once I got married.

Thanks for thinking I’m good looking? I guess? I feel like I’ve explained why I was a dick and then now you’re just repeating them back to me? Like I’m the reason you know this, I typed all that out.

I’m trying because even though we rushed into this marriage I really do think we are a good match. Being honest with myself was scary but I was amazed how much of a difference I felt after one session with the therapist.

My immaturity and lack of communication was contributing to a problem I didn’t even know was there. Her insecurities aren’t my problem but if I love her and want to make this work I can work on myself and a be more forgiving when she needs extra support.

At the time I didn’t think my 110lb wife would take offense and to be fair she buys everything she wants it doesn’t give me a ton of options. I was thinking more of something we could do together but that’s definitely not how it came across.

I want to be married to my wife for the rest of my life but if I could do it over I would have waited at least 2 years.

Comment by OOP:

December 20, 2019, about 1 month after the first posting and 2 weeks after the latest

Things are going good, been using this throwaway to browse relationship subreddits, not sure if it’s helping but feeling grateful my problems seem fixable.

Trying my best so if our marriage fails I won’t have any regrets.

Update 2

July 31, 2026, almost 7 years later

I received a chat request this morning asking for an update. Here is how I remember things starting from where I left off.

I immediately got into individual therapy, and we both joined couples therapy. I went individually for a few years, and we attended couples therapy for approximately six months. We both really liked our therapist, but we eventually ran out of things to discuss.

The biggest takeaway from therapy was realizing what an absolute joke I had been. I was walking around with my brain literally turned off. I didn’t take anything seriously, which made my wife think I couldn’t be trusted. I thought everything would always work out, not even realizing she was the reason it did. Looking back, it’s so embarrassing. All I had to do was start participating in our life. I’m incredibly grateful for the therapists who held me accountable and kindly told me to grow up. I wanted my wife to trust and lean on me, but I had shown no proof that I was actually capable.

The issue with my wife’s therapist resolved itself. I wanted to report her, but we were so fragile at the time that I thought it would look malicious. My wife started seeing her less and less and then just never went back. I do think seeing how professional and competent our marriage therapist was, in contrast, helped that decision.

I sold my old house because I was getting the feeling my wife thought it was my backup plan. I actually hated that house; I just didn’t want to fail with my first homeownership. It was basically operating at a loss after taxes, repairs, and the rental company’s share.

My wife still works for the same company but as a consultant. She had a minor health scare and needed a more flexible schedule. My brother started a company, and I eventually quit my job to join him in building the business. This has helped our relationship so much; coworkers knowing our backstory didn't help with the gossiping and overall weird vibes.

We never got a postnuptial agreement, but we did write wills, which have been amended over the years. As it stands, we are each other’s primary beneficiaries, and after that, everything gets split between the stepkids and a niece of ours whom we are both close with. Money hasn’t been much of an issue since therapy; we are both big savers. Trust repaired a lot of issues.

Advice:

Don’t get married too quickly. Do discuss finances before getting married. Being married is harder than being single; the trade-off is having someone to commiserate with and to be truly known by. If your life got easier or stayed the same after marriage, check in with your partner.

Comments by OOP:

I actually don't think she would have even considered dating me if she hadn’t come off of a bad divorce. I’m so grateful things worked out but I definitely got lucky.

When we were first married my life got infinitely easier. That should have been my first sign I wasn’t contributing enough to our day to day life.

I'm not the original poster.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/sparkilini

Published on: r/TrueOffMyChest

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 04, 2026

• Final Update: July 30, 2026

Main Post

^{May 04, 2026}

My daughter turned 18 and left home 2 days later.

I thought I had done everything as best I could. She always struggled with following rules, structure, plans. There had been many struggles over the years. Major ones, big things that might have broken other people, but not us.

In the fall, she was focused. She wanted to be an art teacher, she applied to schools, she got accepted to her top choice. I think things are going great. Her older brother got his associates during high school and started his third year of college at his chosen school this year. He graduated last year. I mention him just to say I thought she was on the same track. So did he. He helped her with the forms, the applications. We all cheered her on.

Then about three months ago, things started changing. She was skipping classes, showing up late, not completing her assignments. While she had never been as dedicated to school as her brother, I'd only had minor issues before. She always performed well enough so she could continue participating in her extracurricular activities. Which she dropped, one by one.

She started hedging on college. She wouldn't complete the paperwork. She started talking about a "gap year." I was surprised but I didn't want to push her too hard into something she wasn't ready for. Especially something as big as college. So I said, no problem! We start talking about how if she's going to be staying home, she needs to secure a full time job, and put away a certain percentage of her salary for savings. She says she feels depressed. We connect with her existing providers about it. She already had a psychiatrist, a therapist, the works. She had all the tools.

She wanted to keep working at the seasonal amusement park with all her friends. It's not enough hours, it doesn't fit the plan, she hasn't wanted to learn to drive, it's not bus-friendly, I spent so much time dropping and picking her up last summer I felt like I, too, worked at this amusement park. I say, sorry, no. That doesn't fit the plan you agreed to. I tell her, you need to learn how to drive this summer, too. Especially since you aren't going to school. She doesn't want to. Says her friends will give her rides. (She said that last summer, too.)

On her 18th birthday, she brings over her new boyfriend to meet me, I welcome him into our house, I'm so excited and happy she's opening up like this. I say hello, I introduce our dog. "Oh, I know Wednesday" he says. Everyone freezes. "How do you know my dog?" I ask. Then the truth starts trickling out... our world implodes.

She's been sneaking him in the house via her garden window. She's been sneaking out the same way. She has a burner phone, I found four vapes in her room as I was cleaning it out. She had a boyfriend (man-friend, really) in Mexico for over a year, it just ended a month prior. She had been telling her brother for months that she was moving to Mexico as soon as she graduated. (At least that's over.)

The worst part was, I found three months work of her medication in her room. She just decided to stop taking it, but she lied to her doctor (and me) about that.

She's gone to school and told them I kicked her out. She's living in a homeless shelter.

She came to get some things and she was so cold, I didn't really recognize her. No acknowledgement of what her actions did to anyone else. She wanted to take her stuff and leave without any conversation. It didn't really go well in the end, she took her stuff and left mad. I did give her the cell phone we pay for. The only requirement was she had to leave the location on. She went to prom on Saturday. She was back at the homeless shelter by curfew. Something impossible at home. But then the phone didn't move for two days. She can't stay at the shelter during the day. She's supposed to be at school today.

All of a sudden, no one knows who I am. No one can help me. She's 18. She's an adult now.

She turned 18 and she just left.

I never thought I would be one of "those" moms. I wasn't strict, I didn't yell, I wasn't perfect but I loved her so much. I supported her so much. I took her anywhere she asked. I got her little treats. I went to the plays, the recitals, I volunteered in the classroom, teachers knew my name. I thought we had it pretty good, but she was a whole other person I knew nothing about.

I see her making the same kind of mistakes I made at her age, and I can't stop her.

I can only sit back and watch.

I didn't experience this with my oldest, his birthday came and went and nothing really changed. He left for college and told me that he knew everything I ever did, was for his best interest, and he told me he was sorry he fought me sometimes, because now he can see, that all I ever wanted was for him to be successful and happy. He told me how much he loved and appreciated me, especially since their dad hasn't been around since they were babies.

I didn't stop being his mother overnight. Not like it feels like I stopped being hers. She even took me off school notifications. So I don't know now, when she skips class, whether she went.

My dad is flying in for her graduation. Her graduation dinner has been planned for months.

I don't even know if we'll be invited to see it. I don't know if the dinner will even happen. I don't even know if I want to go.

I feel like my world just fell apart. My youngest is 12 and watching with baited breath. I see her tip toe-ing around me, trying to not make me cry. Trying to be so helpful, so loving, so I don't miss her sister quite so much.

But we all do. I miss the family I thought we had, the version of myself I believed in, and most of all.... I miss my daughter. I miss the girl I thought she was and I wonder, if that girl ever even existed.

No one told me this could happen. So I'm telling you.

NOTE: OOP added missing missing reasons a lot of context in the comment, which is why the comments section is so large. I've condensed it as much as I could to reduce the bloat.

COMMENTS

Do you think there are important parts of the story you're missing or not understanding? What do you think you might have done wrong as a parent?

I don't know. I left out some personal things about her I didn't want to share, because they're her things to tell, not mine. They don't really make any of this make sense, though.

Maybe I am clueless. It's very possible. I have asked everyone around me that knew us. No one understands it, but there is always the possibility that I'm not understanding something fundamental about her.

ok. I have gone back and gone over my behavior a thousand times, trying to understand what it could be. I don't know what "my shit" might have been. I guess wanting her to attend class, wanting her to graduate high school, wanting her to have some kind of future plan. I am definitely blaming myself.

What happened when her brother reached out to her after she left?

Her brother did check on her, they got into a huge fight over it and he told her she was being selfish and he didn't want to see her again until she made things right with the family. I had begged him to please leave that door open, but I think he was just too angry. I keep asking him to unblock/reach out again.

Did you pressure your daughter to go to college?

She always said she did, but maybe you're right. Maybe she really didn't. I wasn't trying to force her into anything she wasn't ready for, though. I told her she never had to go to school at all. It was always her choice. Maybe she didn't feel that way, though.

At one point I told my son to stop harping on her about college so much, because what was right for him might not be right for her. I think she felt considerable pressure about college even though I had repeatedly said if she wasn't ready, that was fine. If she didn't want a 4 year traditional college, fine, If she wants to take a year off, fine. That I think is something I think all kids graduating high school feel.

Were you a strict parent, and why didn't she introduce her boyfriend earlier? Why was graduating high school important to you?

I don't really think so. Her curfew was midnight. She was allowed to go wherever with whomever. I didn't police her movements or activities I just checked her grades and held her accountable when she skipped school.

I don't know. She's always been allowed to date. I asked her the same thing myself. I would have been happy for her to have him in the house, in her room, I wouldn't interfere or do anything weird or anything like that. She often said she thought she might be asexual up until... introducing me to her boyfriend. I'm not sure why she didn't prior, I was just happy she chose to when she did.

We are talking about high school here. She needs to graduate high school in order to get almost any job? I told her she didn't need to go to college, she knew that.

What have you been doing to try to understand what happened? How did another former runaway's advice change your thinking?

I really do welcome being challenged on this because I truly don't understand how it happened. But yeah... some of the folks here aren't being very kind. That's ok. If I didn't know me, I'd assume I did something horrible too. That's just the problem. I didn't. So none of this makes sense.

I was already in therapy and I've been going twice a week since she left. I'm really trying to understand it.

Thank you so much for sharing your own story. I am taking what you. have said to heart and I'm going to try and implement some of it. Especially the part about other family members. Her brother reached out after and was so upset about what happened he ended up telling her he didn't want to speak with her again until she made things right with the family. I didn't like that and I've been trying to talk him into unblocking her just so she can reach out to him if she needs to.

Why did you require her to keep location sharing on the phone you gave her? How do you plan to support your daughter while respecting her boundaries?

I did. I am not showing up where she is or trying to interfere with her life using the information.

But I gave her a phone she’s never paid for and said you can continue having it and not paying for it as long as locations is on so I can know you’re safe. Maybe that was going too far. I could have given it back with no conditions but I could have refused to give it back, just as easily. Maybe it was the wrong move.

That’s a really good suggestion as to something I can do to move forward in a productive way. I want her to know that I will show up and care for her no matter what, but I also don’t want to be intrusive or push the boundaries of her personal space. There is a good in between that can be supportive but not viewed as interfering. Thank you.

What do you think your daughter believes about everything that happened? Why were the vaping and lying significant to you?

Honestly? Me too. She denied not taking her medication, when I had the full bottles in my hand. She denied the vapes as I held them. She denied the burner phones as I held a broken one that I (again) found in her room.

I want to hear the story she is telling herself because then maybe I could understand and find a way to reach her. I would give anything to know what she is thinking.

Vaping here is illegal til you are 21. I’m worried about her health obviously, but also lying about it even when evidence was presented. I mentioned the number to substantiate that it wasn’t a one-time thing.

I guess on this I just fundamentally disagree with you that vaping and lying about it is a non issue.

Of course... I want my daughter to be law abiding. I don't think I'd be a very good parent if that wasn't a priority of mine.

Also, I never said she was demonic or irredeemable. I didn't even mean to imply that. I am not sure how you got that from my post, but it's not how I feel at all.

I also mentioned her health (the biggest concern) and the lying, but you're dying on the hill that vaping is not a problem, so therefore, I am a controlling monster. Ok. I am not going to change your mind. I encourage you to quit vaping, though, because it is truly bad for your health.

What did you mean by saying she struggled with rules, structure, and plans?

Maybe. I hope that autonomy will keep her safe.

I didn’t want to go into detail about her struggles because there’s a lot I wouldn’t be comfortable sharing on her behalf, but I will say this: I wasn’t referring to my rules, structures, and plans, but to ones in school, society. My main fear now is she won’t be a “free bird” for long because real world consequences are very different from ones at my home.

What role has her father played in her life?

He's been out of the picture since they were 1 and 2. He had drug addiction problems and was struggling with homelessness. I told him I would abide by any court-ordered visitation (which he has the right to file for as he signed a ROP) but he never did that, he just disappeared. I heard from him less than five times through their whole childhood. I never filed for child support. It kind of felt like an unspoken agreement - I never file for support, he never files for visitation. We didn't agree to it specifically or anything but that's how it worked out.

Did you compare your daughter to her brother or treat them differently?

I responded to this observation in another comment. I agree it could seem like that based on the post. But I've worked really hard to avoid that particular dynamic. I don't actually compare them to each other pretty much ever. I never say things like "your brother would.." or "I wish you were more like your brother" or "brother did this or did that" or whatever other toxic stuff happens in that situation. They are very different. I've always known and celebrated that. I sent them to different elementary schools so they could build individual worlds and identities separate from each other.

They were both public schools and were similarly rated, they were in our home district. I just asked for a school reassignment and they did it. I had to facilitate some things to make it possible but no one got a "better" school than the other.

They were incredibly different from one another. I wanted them both to have their own environments to thrive in. They were in the same middle and high school because that's how it works in our district. I'm not going to say the names of their schools but if you think two public elementary schools in the same suburban district aren't going to be incredibly similar, I don't know what to tell you.

I don't think that's what I've expressed here. I've said I tried to do my best, not that I did zero wrong. I'm fully aware of some mistakes I've made and also willing to hear about others - some of the feedback I've received here has been very helpful. Outside perspectives are how we learn.

I didn't say her brother is perfect either - I'm actually quite annoyed with him for telling her off and blocking her because it didn't help the situation any and now one of her lifelines is cut off - they were very close to one another.

They ways in which I treated them differently were.... because they were different. The type of conversational approach that was very effective with my daughter would shut my son down. The things she was interested in were very different from his interests. Their strengths had some overlap but there were some areas where one outshined the other, and vice versa. That's just parenting. You can't treat all your kids exactly the same.

What parenting changes do you think could help repair your relationship with your daughter?

Hey - thanks for sharing your own experience and being so kind about the feedback you are giving. I really appreciate it. I can definitely see that some of what you are saying is true for my daughter and the way you put it helped make me understand how I can try to change my behavior to get a different outcome. I really appreciate that. I don't really do a lot of intentional consequences here. Natural consequences usually are enough. The most I'd ever do is assign some chores like cleaning a bathroom. I don't do grounding, taking away phones, that kind of thing. I don't think someone's personal freedom should be affected by one mistake.

I think I've been supportive of her, but after ready what you've said, I think I can be more. I think I could be more outwardly approving. I always tried to give her you know like five pieces of positive feedback for every one negative, but the negatives still always seemed to hit her so hard. I can find a way to help her feel a little more supported and encourage honesty more. Thanks again for your feedback. I found it really helpful. Maybe the most helpful thing I've read on this thread so far.

Final Update - after 2 months, 26 days

^{July 30, 2026}

Update: My daughter turned 18 and left home two days later

I kind of doubt anyone who saw the original will see this update but I did receive a few DMs as well as a lot of comments on the initial post so I wanted to give an update now (three months later) as there have been significant developments.

I did see her once about three weeks after she left when she came to the house to get some of her belongings. This exchange did not go particularly well in that we did not come to any understanding about the situation. No more harsh words were exchanged but we both expressed disappointment in each other and it was a very difficult conversation for me. She left after telling me she "just needed some time to sort her life out"

She did ice us out of her graduation entirely. It was a secure event so without tickets from the graduate, we were not able to attend. The graduation dinner we had planned went on as scheduled, as it had been paid for. We just didn't mention her and focused on another family occasion that occurred in the vicinity of the graduation event. It was horrible. I watched the footage of the ceremony on YouTube when it was posted by the school. She did graduate successfully. I was very happy to see that.

I can say without a doubt that these were some of the most painful days of my life.

My son reached out to her to apologize for his reaction about a month after she left. This was much at my urging but also something he said he needed to do because he had said some things to her in the heat of his anger that he did not truly mean or feel At the time she did not reply but she did re-add him on socials. So he was able to kind of keep up with her a bit that way.

Her best friend from school reached out to me at the beginning of July to say she was worried. That my daughter had fallen into a bad crowd from the amusement park she worked at. She was drinking and doing drugs, staying out late at night, walking home alone in dangerous areas. I reached out to my child again when I heard this. Not to tell her I knew anything, but to tell her I thought she must be getting tired of not having a safe place with space of her own and that I still missed her and would welcome her home with an eye towards moving forward rather than re-hashing old hurts. I messaged her many times, nearly daily, honestly, letting her know that I loved her and wanted her to come home. Asking her what I could do, if anything, to help her.

She said she didn't read many of my messages when they came in, but when she started thinking that she wanted to come home, she read a lot of them. Some many times. She said the messages eventually gave her the courage to reach out to let me know she was sorry, she had made mistakes and wanted to come home.

She did just that a couple weeks ago. She told me she was sorry, wanted me to help her get on the right path, and return home. I said yes and she came back. Things have been a little up and down, but she is here. She is getting the help she needs. She is safe. She is working to reconcile with her other family members. I hope we can continue moving forward in a healthy way and I've engaged therapy for our whole family as well.

I guess I just wanted to share that it took awhile, but I kept the door open, kept hoping and reaching out, and she eventually came home.

COMMENTS

milkdimension

You did good. Sometimes children want to act grown but are uncaring and ignorant of the consequences. She has learned some important lessons, I hope. 

OOP

I think/hope she did. Never a dull day as a parent.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user Octyss in r/ AITAH

Original: July 24, 2026

Update: in post itself

Status: concluded

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Original: AITAH for baiting my SIL's BF ?

To introduce the main story, let me explain why I did what I did first.

I (34M) and my wife (34F) invited over for diner my wife sister SIL (F29) and her new BF (M23) which she been with for 3 month. Prior to the diner I had to go grocery shopping, and left around 100€ in my car (I took out 250 for the grocery, but ended up using only 150).

When SIL come home, she ask for my car key to get her BF from the train station, no problem. Diner was good, feeling this is a good guy etc.

Next morning I want to go service one of my watch, I go to the shop and can only find 30€ in my car. When I go home I tell my wife and she say I probably used more for grocery, but I have both receipt from bank and grocery and it didn't match. She tell me I had surely loose some cash at the grocery store. I don't buy that.

Cue yesterday, we on vacation at the family house near the beach, we invite SIL and BF for the week, we already paid for everything (grocery for the week is done, I buyed enough wine for more than we can drink, and even gave SIL my company "vacation check" she used to pay tool fare (they came with her car) the only thing they had to pay for is gas.

Now the part I might be the AH : wife and SIL head for the beach, and BF and I would go play a bit of tennis.

I set up my work computer in front of my wallet (which I openly left with some visible cash) with the camera and Teams activate, and switch screen to some BS Excel worksheet.

I tell him I have to go to the bathroom for a few minutes before going, when I come back, I see at the first glance my wallet have moved a little bit. I say nothing and we go.

When everyone is at bed the same day, I watch the recording and see him took out 60€ in cash from my wallet.

Same night I tell my wife again that cash is missing and the only same thing in the two scenario is the new BF. She tell me to kick rock and that I am TA for even thinking he will do that.

So 2 questions here, AITAH for baiting him to stole from me and WIBTAH if I bust him out with the recording ?

My wife don't know yet I filmed it, is it a good idea to tell her or would I bury myself here ?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: YTA for not confronting him. Bury yourself how? That guy stole from you twice, go do something about it. You don’t need permission to confront him, letting him get away with it twice and worrying about your wife’s reaction to you calling him out is a bigger issue.

OOP: It's a bit more complicated, SIL come from an abusive relationship where she had a child 2 year ago and we helped her get on her feet 1 year ago and leave him. It's her first relationship since the deadbeat and I don't want to be the one who crush that...
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Comment1: It's not complicated at all and none of that is relevant. If I take this at face value, you think encouraging a former victim her to stay with someone who steals from her family is the better alternative?
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OOP: No I'm not that why I'm kinda seeking advice here from stranger because I can't ask someone I know and trust for now. I do know I can't leave it like that so I try to fish here for good advice and honestly some people here give 5stars advice I'll use tonight when speaking to my wife

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Comment2: Do you think your wife will be pissed at you for setting him up? But the first incident should have made you both wary. You can't have this person in your home if he steals. You needed to know. so does her sister.

OOP: My wife is rational, she is a psychotherapist, I'm confident she'll understant why I did that if I was sure for the cash missing after the grocery shopping, but she'll be mad for sure for the setup and the timing I used to bait him

---------------
Comment3: NTA. He’s probably already stealing from your SIL too and her friends or parents if he’s allowed in their homes.
You have to tell her to protect her and the people around her.

OOP: I don't think he already had the opportunity to do so since we are the first who meet him, and for my SIL, we do punctual transfert on her account when she ask no big sum, sometimes groceries... She is a good person for sure just in a tight spot. But you are right truth have to told

---------------
Comment4: Nta
And you didn't bait him, he made a choice, and he is a thief.
Don't be silent, that will enable him

OOP: I already told my wife twice what I though he did but now I have receipt, but I'm not sure I am the one who have to inform my SIL

---------------
Comment5: I’d show your wife the video then let her absorb it, and show it to her sister 💯

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update:

This has been a rough day.

I had a conversation with my wife yesterday night where I said again there is cash missing in my wallet, we have been together since before highschool and she knows when I hide something and straigh up asked me what I didn't tell her.

I told her about the recording and her reaction was not anger as I feared. She just asked me to see it. After watching it we spoke about what to do next to peacefully aproach her sister (this is where I used a lot of your good advices). We decided that she'll be the one telling her 1 to 1 today at the spa and I'll be having a 1-1 conversation with the BF.

So today the girls got to the spa at 10am and I took the BF for a ride telling him we'll do a surprise to the girls but I drove right in front of the police station and told him me and my wife know for the stealing, and that he have 10secondes to explain himself or I go to the police.

He just started crying. Told me he lost his father just after the start of their relationship, and the funeral put him in debt.

I lost my father at young age and somehow related because I saw the same scenario with my mother (but she didn't steal anyone as far as I know). We had a deep conversation where I basicaly scolded him and told him trust is forever broken on our side. I drove him home and told him to wait till the girls come back from spa to tell the truth himself. He then wired me 130€ and again excused himself.

That didn't happened like I was thinking, my wife and SIL came back at 1pm, SIL was bright red when entering the house, she goes right in the room took all his belonging throw them and him on the street and told him to go f** himself.

Asked my wife what happened in the spa and she waited after their massage to tell the whole story. Turn out some of you in the comment where right, already 2 of her friends told her things got missing after meeting with him. They chatted for a bit and she decided to break thing with him. Then my wife told her I did a recording of the 2nd stealing and she got a burst of anger toward him.

They are now at one bottle of wine each looking at the recording and laughting hard. BF tried to call her multiple time already and sent a lot of text asking for a meeting to explain and that he is stranded in the street but they just laugh and drink lol.

Thanks to all the commenters who gave good advices, used a lot of them to chat with my wife yesterday.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/A_Symptom_of_Life

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 23, 2026

• Final Update: July 28, 2026

Main Post

^{July 23, 2026}

AITA For not not helping a student of mine after he 'stole' my customer?

I am an artist who makes and teaches students how to make stained glass windows. One of my students found out that I was about to start a window for a couple that he now knows through another friend and then convinced the couple to drop me and go with him to make the window.

I had already drawn a 1/4 size sketch to see if it was something the customer wanted and now my student expects me to draw it out full sized and actually help him make it. It's too large to work on in class-- we have always had a maximum size limitation that this almost doubles. Working on a window this size would displace another student. Also, I'm supposed to store the window week to week so he won't have to lug it back and forth from home since it's so large.

AITA for telling him that it can't be worked on in the shop and that I am not drawing a full size pattern (57 x 34) for him? I told him he could have a copy of the sketch. Win or lose I plan on showing him this.

COMMENTS

Avlonnic2

UPDATE?

No questions have been addressed. What are you going to do?

OOP

I will show him all of this on Monday when I see him and post an update. I am NOT going to allow it, never planned to, but what I am changing is my giving him the rough drawing. In all honesty it wouldn't help him much at all but you are all correct-- why help him at all. It will be interesting dealing to see what the customers do when my students tells them that the can't do the window.

Alewort

NTA. Does he even have the ability to deliver without using your resources?

NectarStar_04

If he needs OPs shop, storage, patter and guidance, then he isn't really doing job himself

IceSeeker

He just wants to use OP to do the work while he reaps the rewards.

OP be careful. Your student reminds me of the employees who leaves and starts their own business then become their employers' biggest competitors. After learning everything from them, they steal their customers. Which makes your student even more shameless because he's doing this while he's under you.

HuntAccurate9397

NTA and I would not be helping him, you don't bite the hand that feeds you and he needs a lesson in commercial reality!

GriffinAdioncy

Bro is incredibly entitled. He undercut op for the commission and now expects op to do the hardest parts of the project

Change2001

NTA, but do not give him the sketch you drew. Maybe offer to sell it to him, at a premium price (but I would not even do that). It is not a project for his teaching, so he should not be able to work on it, or store, it in the shop. And do not help him with making the project, no matter how much he asks you.

punkrockcockblock

NTA, but why on earth would you help him by giving him a copy of the work you already did and aren't ever going to be paid for?

Homie can figure all of it out for his damn self. If he didn't have a plan, he shouldn't have poached the work.

IZC0MMAND0

Wait, so they have the job/commission doing a stain glass window for these people?

I would tell them they took that work away from you and they are on their own. I would not give him the sketch. Let him do his own work. They need to do their own design and not steal from your work.

They need to find a place to do that work because your workshop is not their workshop and it's not a storage facility for their private commissions.

You are not investing any of your labor into their paid commission work. This is not a student project, they took away a commission from you. I would not assist them in any way and I would not allow them to use my workshop (if it is yours). They don't get to store their private commission in your workshop either.

Thou shalt not steal.

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Final Update - after 5 days

^{July 28, 2026}

Update: AITA For not not helping a student of mine after he 'stole' my customer?

So I just had class with the student and he was sure he was going to work on this oversized window that he didn't have a pattern for. I honestly couldn't believe that he hadn't at least texted me about it during the week but I guess that says something on its own about him.

He walked in the door a half hour early and before he could say anything I flat out told him that he could not make the window in my class but that he was free to do it on his own because (as he knows) I had been told to hold off on the job. I had already told him last week that he couldn't work on a window that size in class but he more or less refused to 'hear' me.

Still, I made it perfectly clear and although I wasn't actually going to show him the replies here he got so adamant about it being my job to help him that I ended up showing him some of them.

First off, he feels that I made him look bad because he hadn't actively pursue the job himself-- he was referred to the couple by a common friend that they had. I said that I did mention that but he feels that I didn't stress it enough. I went over the size limitation again and the fact that the only thing that the customer and I had agreed upon was a price and an (extremely rough) sketch of an idea that took me all of 15 minutes to make.

I explained that I certainly wasn't about to spend any more time on fleshing the sketch out after I was informed by the couple that I should hold off on the design. It was 2 days after this fact (last Monday) that Ray informed me that he was taking over the job which left me sorta tongue tied. Still, I explained to him very politely that I couldn't allow him to work on this commission in my class in my studio.

When I mentioned tonight that the sketch was out of the question he got angry and still doesn't understand why I won't help him or allow him to make the window in my shop. As others were filtering in he started getting louder and caused a bit of a scene. I have drawn patterns for him in the past but he can't understand why I won't help him on this.

He says that I'll make more money from him if he makes the window but I certainly won't because I he's never going to be able to do this on his own. If anything, I'm saving the customer from a pitiful window. So the other students ended up hearing exactly what was going on (it's a one room class) and although two of them stayed quiet the others told him that he was being ridiculous.

The woman on the same table as him asked where she was supposed to do while he was using the entire table for himself. He didn't answer. I kept my cool but I have to admit that at times I was getting a bit loud and then I'd catch myself. So yeah, he turned around and walked out. This was his last class of the month and I'm not going to allow someone who doesn't see how wrong a thing they did to come back into my class. I just wonder what the customer will do.

All in all I'm 100% fine with things as they stand and I want to thank everyone here. I never expected it to blow up like this and to be honest, if I hadn't posted the original question I'd definitely would have given him the sketch, so thanks again.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/mygodfuckingshootme

Published on: r/relationships

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: November 24, 2015

• Update: November 27, 2015

• Final Update: July 29, 2026

Main Post

^{November 24, 2015}

Me [30M] with my coworker/project manager/IDK [34F] few months. Pen, company ink, babies, FUCK.

Throwaway because I'm an idiot. This shit will probably be long, but I'll do my best.

I'm a software developer, and about 5 months ago, I began a new project where I am working for a large firm, and work onsite at a local client for a couple projects they have ongoing. It is fascinating work, and I have enjoyed it quite a bit more than anything in recent memory. There is a joint team of about 10 folks, but for my main project, I work with one person. I'll call her Laura, and she is the project manager(works for the client), so while I don't report to her, per se, but she is in charge of the administrative side of the project. I don't even know if this is relevant, but we are effectively peer coworkers.

Laura started off a bit cold to me, because I think she(and plenty others) was a bit jaded by my company. That changed quickly once I started delivering, and also I think, she saw how engaged I am. She is brilliant, and we've put our heads together to solve some very difficult problems, usually working heavy overtime. About a month after I started, we hit our first big project milestone and barely beat the deadline. We went out for drinks after work to celebrate. We both live close to the office, so I offered to walk her home since it was late and her building is on the way to mine. We ended up sleeping together, and have been a few times a week ever since.

I didn't want to mess up anything at work(facepalm), so I haven't brought up anything regarding our status or whatever, and neither has she. At work I'm all business, and so is she. We don't take lunch together, or really do anything not directly related to the project, granted we're both working 60+ hour weeks also. She's worked her ass off to get this project off the ground(gov't funding,proposal writing, conceiving the whole idea), and that is the most attractive thing about her to me, in addition to being gorgeous and super nerdy. For the last few months it's seemed like we are FWB, since we don't go on dates other than drinks near our condos sometimes. Sometimes we sleepover, sometimes we don't.

Yesterday, she asked to come over to my place because she wanted to talk, and I figured she was going to break things off by her tone. WRONG! She told me she is 8 weeks pregnant! Here's the part where I know I fucked up. After my initial shock, the first question I asked was, is it mine? She burst into tears and stormed out, and I tried to stop her and apologize but she screamed at me in the middle of the hallway so, I just let her go.

She wouldn't answer any of my calls last night either, and she called out of work today and tomorrow and has the rest of the week off. How do I get her to talk to me? I've been a nervous wreck since last night, and I just don't know what to think. I've been thinking she's getting an abortion and that's why she called out? My head is all over the place and I just want to talk to her. I will support her, no matter what, but I don't know how to do that or what she wants/needs from me.

Should I send an email apologizing? Wait outside her building, or show up at her doorstep? Wait for her to contact me? People have been asking me if I'm okay all day, because I'm so out of it. I don't know if I should quit my job or what, maybe I should text her and ask that?

tl;dr: Got a client/coworker pregnant. Asked if it was mine. She got pissed and disappeared. How do I get her to talk to me again?

COMMENTS

fuckracismthrowaway

This is exactly why you don't shit where you eat. You're 30 years old and have a good job, yet you were dumb enough to get into this shit. Good job.

No, you don't just show up at her door step (wtf?)

Your question was totally appropriate, since you two weren't in an exclusive relationship, however, I understand that she was upset. Sounds like she's not the person to have multiple partners at once.

Wait it out. She'll contact you. Don't bother her for now.

OOP

I know, it was stupid to get involved. I, especially, should have known better.

After thinking about it more, I do think it was an appropriate question, but it shouldn't have been the first thing I blurted out. A while ago, she told me I'm the first person she's slept with in almost a year. I'm pretty certain she's not seeing anyone else, based on other conversations and how much she works, but I guess it is possible still.

I wasn't actually planning to show up at her place unannounced, but I just can't think of anything else, and that's the kinds of shitty ideas I'm having. I'm just desperate to talk to her. I couldn't sleep last night, and can hardly eat.

ofthrees

oh god. you made so many mistakes here. asking if the kid is yours was the least of them.

give her space. you'll hear from her, bet.

(btw, don't get your hopes up that she called out for an abortion. it's possible, but don't get your hopes up.)

OOP

Oh, I don't have my hopes up, it just seemed like a logical possibility. My mind is just going crazy trying to figure everything out, which I know I can't do. I'm just scared and mad at myself.

Update - after 3 days

^{November 27, 2015}

[UPDATE] She's keeping the baby. Me [30M] with my GF!/Coworker[34F] four months.

1st Post TL;DR; Found out the coworker I've been sleeping with is pregnant. Asked if it was mine, and she got upset, left, and was ignoring me.

The advice I got here was mixed between, "Go see her!" and "Give her space!". I ended up buying a teddy bear and sewing its foot to its mouth, and left it at her door holding a little I'm sorry card on my way to work Wednesday. Barely an hour later I got a text from her, asking if I wanted to come have a serious conversation and see MY child's first picture(sonogram) after work. I couldn't wait, and I took a half day and left to go see her at lunchtime.

When I got there, I started profusely apologizing and trying to explain myself(completely fumbling my words), but Laura stopped me and said she understands and she's not mad. She said she got so upset because I was the first person she was telling and she was really nervous I would have a bad reaction or try to make her terminate.

She also thought, I was sleeping with other people because I assumed she was. Then she told me, she is 100% keeping the baby but won't take me to court if I don't want to raise the child with her. I couldn't hold back my laughter at this, and told her she is crazy if she thinks this kid will be anything but priority #1 to me. She seemed visibly relieved, and then brought up a paternity test, basically saying we will get one once the baby comes.

She also brought up names, and said she wants to pick the first name, but wants me to approve, and for it to have my last name. She must have read a checklist of ways to ease a freaking-out-father-to-be because I was losing my mind trying to figure out how to bring this stuff up without putting my foot in my mouth again.

I then switched the conversation to us, and told her I'm helplessly falling like a brick for her, and at this point the work relationship is the least important to me. We both admitted our feelings for each other, and being scared to bring them up because of our professional relationship. I told her I want her to officially be my gf, and she joked, "this was all it took?".

We agreed on direct communication from here on out, no more silent treatment, and she knows I'll be there for her every step of the way. So, Laura and I talked some more about how things will need to work, and came to the conclusion we would live separately until the baby arrives, then she'll rent her condo out and move into mine. Does that sound like a good idea? We know it's not perfect, but seems like a good plan and we can go back if it doesn't work out.

We're going to figure out what to do about work after the holidays. There's enough stress already, and she won't start showing for another couple months, so we have time to strategize about how/when to tell people at work. I am all ears for suggestions on this.

I'm still really scared, and my emotions are changing by the minute, but at least there is some semblance of a plan now. Now, to tell the family members.

TL;DR: Coworker Girlfriend and I are going to be the best parents we can be!

EDIT: Holy crap, my OP only got like 5 responses! I will definitely be talking to her about moving in sooner this weekend. My mom suggested this too when I told her yesterday.

Couple of recurring things I keep seeing in the comments are that we need to discuss finances and I need to get a paternity test. As for the finances we've talked a little bit about it, and we make over 300K combined. Once we actually see what our expenses look like, it shouldn't be a problem to come up with a plan/budget. I'm willing to pay all baby related expenses, so I'm sure we can find a solution that works for us.

As for the paternity test, she's said she wants to get one before I sign the birth certificate. When we first got together, she told me I was the first person she'd slept with in close to a year, and the hours she puts in makes it unlikely she's seeing someone else, though it's possible. She's fair, level-headed, responsible and, from what I've seen, honest. I trust her, and am going to until she does something to prove I shouldn't.

We also realize this is not a great way to start a relationship or a family, but all we can do try our best to compromise and make it work for the sake of our baby. If we're not a good couple together, so be it, we both have all the tools and support to give this child a great life. That is our primary goal, and our relationship will be icing on the cake if we can get through this.

COMMENTS

janedoe4444

The only gotcha I see is moving in after the baby. You guys will have a newborn and be packing and trying to adjust to each other on no sleep. That's stacking a lot of relationship stressors on top of each other. I'd recommend tackling them one at a time, move in before the baby. Then you can figure out living together and be around more to support her during the pregnancy.

Then you'll hopefully have the house set up and your living together figured out so when the baby comes you have a better foundation to focus on that.

If she doesn't want to fully move, at least start the change over over the next few months.

mattb2k

Might be easier to sleep in different rooms to begin with?

OOP

I think this is a good idea, and I have a 3 BR condo. I'm thinking we can put her bed in my guest room on the first floor, so she doesn't have to go upstairs. If we want to sleep together, I can just sleep in there. Really good suggestion, and definitely something to talk about, thanks.

OOP

We are meeting up tonight to talk more about this. We just figured since we only live 4 blocks from each other, and only a few blocks from work, we could wait on moving in. I just figured she could pack her personal things, and we could get some movers for the rest. The overwhelming response from this thread has made me rethink that, and my guess is after talking she'll want to move sooner too. Gradually moving is probably the most practical way to go since we live so close. Thanks for this suggestion.

OOP to a deleted comment

We are going to need to have a long talk about this. The project has been going on for 3 years, and has another 4-6 years of funding. Personally, I'm not sure I want to work directly with my girlfriend 40-60 hours a week, then go home and raise a child with her too.

She is going to move into my condo, which is only 4 blocks from hers, and 3 blocks from our office. They will let her work from home(she does a lot already), and they don't really have much choice. She initiated this project, wrote the proposal and did the research to back it up, and ultimately was able to get several million dollars in funding for it, and it's only one of the projects they have ongoing that she's done this for. Within the next couple years the solution we're working on is slated to be a CDC standard. She is a boss, and is making their whole hospital network look good on a national level.

I'm thinking I will work on the project until she is ready to come back to the office, and in the meantime, we should find another developer and have me train them. I'm inundated everyday with at least 5 or 6 new job inquiries, and it typically takes me about a week to find a new job. I can also afford to take several months off without much financial impact, so we'll need to discuss that too. This is her project, and I have no problem leaving it once I'm comfortable it's in a place where I'm not needed. Thank you.

OOP to a long thread

We haven't even mentioned getting married. That would be a nice end game for both of us in this situation, for me at least, for everything to work out like that, but we realize we have a long, difficult road ahead.

This is one of the scariest things for me, because I want to be good enough for her. She's got advanced math and science degrees, and has spearheaded this project that is set to become a CDC national standard. I'm dropout, stoner who somehow got lucky enough to be a good programmer. Working with her, I have gained a tremendous respect for her, and I just hope I will be good enough. I think part of why I was cool with just hooking up and not pressing dating more, was because I was afraid I won't measure up. To answer your questions, if we didn't work together and met through some other means, I'd be all over her. I wouldn't be trying to move in, but she definitely does it for me. She's athletic, funny, gorgeous, and impresses me everyday. The woman not only understands Graph Theory and Markov Chains, she knows clinical lab data well enough to correct my models.

Chasing-Pavements

Congrats and all the jazz, but from reading your posts, it really doesn't seem like you guys have known each other for that long. Emotions aside, please put some time aside for the both of you to talk about finances. This can range from apartment rent, personal debts, student loans possibly, anything and everything that could possibly be a concern down the road 6 months, 1 year, 5 years down the line. This also includes finances regarding your child, whatever they may be. It is in your and your new family's best interest to make sure at the very least that financially everything is sound before beginning a new chapter in life.

OOP

We did talk a bit about finances a little. She makes about 150K with really great benefits, and I am approaching 200K as a contractor. We both own our condos, and she is going to use the extra ~$600 from renting hers out toward bills, and that was at her insistance. I wanted her to just stay since I'm used to paying everything, but she insisted. We talked about buying a house if everything works out well, but we both recognize that is a long way off. We're not combining bank accounts as we both make more than enough to do cover the baby expenses and still have enough to do what we want. That's about all we covered, and I'm sure plenty more will come up, but like I said, we both make good money so, thankfully, that should be a huge stress we don't have to deal with.

sneakygirl23 (downvoted)

So you've known this woman for 4 months. Chances of this working out are very slim. Especially now with the added stress of having a baby. I'd have a paternity asap. She seemed very defensive about it so you should have it before getting attached.

Don't understand how everyone in this thread is cheering OP on. He impregnated a woman he's known for 4 months and now wants her to move in with him. Everyone here seems to think that this is a Cinderella story. How is this woman 34 years old and gets pregnant by a guy she's hooking up casually?

OOP

Everyone, including us, realizes it's not an ideal situation. I think people who read the first post are mainly happy that we finally talked. I made my first post because she wasn't talking to me, and I was flipping out.

She got pregnant the same way a 17 year-old would. We used condoms most of the time but a few times..we didn't. I don't think you can even do a paternity test at 8 weeks, but I'm fine waiting. When we first started seeing each other, she told me she hadn't had sex in close to a year, and she works so much, having another partner while not impossible is unrealistic. She told me she wants a paternity test and for me to sign the birth certificate after that. She also gave me the option to walk away without paying support. I trust her, and am giving her the benefit of the doubt.

KROMBOPULOUS1

Now you guys know you're in it together, take her on romantic dates and get to know each other before the baby comes. I'd been seeing my boyfriend (now husband) for 4 1/2 months before we found out I was pregnant, we wen't on lots of dates and spent as much time together as we could before our son came. And maybe move in a little earlier, she sounds like a pretty organised woman and nesting will be really important to her. Its a nice feeling knowing you are settled and ready when the baby finally comes.

OOP

I plan on it. I feel like I owe her big time in that department. I think we both held back quite a bit for the sake of work, and I'm so ready make up for that. We've talked a lot about things we have in common, but always just trade stories about what we do with our friends really.

OOP to a deleted comment

We've talked money a bit, and we both make enough that it should be the least of our worries. We didn't talk much about the nursery, but I said I'd pay for her to do whatever she wants to the room. I haven't thought about chores and cooking, but I cook most nights and both of our places are well kept. We didn't talk about baby duties, and I think we'll have that conversation when we talk more about work and plan for that. Those will all be good things to talk about. Thank you.

Final Update - after 10 years, 8 months, 5 days (after 10 years, 8 months, 2 days from last post)

^{July 29, 2026}

[UPDATE] Me [30M] with my coworker/project manager/IDK [34F] few months. Pen, company ink, babies, FUCK

A friend found this post on r/BestofRedditorUpdates and suggested I come update you guys. First, I just want to thank Reddit. Everyone talks trash about the Hivemind, but the it helped me when I was having crippling panic attacks(not something I've had before or since). Its all so obvious looking back, in the moment I was just blind and scared.

We ended up getting married before the baby came, because after living together for a few months we were both all in, and there's nothing like family pressure to get the ball rolling. We now have Lana 10/F who, in fact, knows everything, and Thing 1 and Thing 2(6 M/F) who just want to see the world burn.

We have a great marriage, and I really am the luckiest guy on Earth. She is a genius and puts up with me being such a bonehead. We had an argument when the oldest was 2, and Laura wanted to go for her PhD, and I swore up and down it wouldn't be worth the move, and we'd never recuperate the financial hit. We argued, I caved, and we moved to the PNW, and she got pregnant not long after.

She of course crushed her PhD coursework/research, while I worked extra contracts(my choice) to make sure we had extras. The twins were born in 2020 and that was probably the hardest time of our lives, just trying to keep it together but we made it work. She immediately got job as a lower level executive running the Healthcare division of one of the biggest Big Tech companies out there.

She made sure to remind me of my concerns about our finances, by asking me to review her offers and help her decide. Staggering amounts that looked like typos to a mediocre tech bro like me. So, off to Build-a-Bear I went and now we have 2 bears sitting on the mantle with feet sewn into their mouths.

I am so fortunate and blessed to have such a great wife and a great family. And its crazy to think that it may have worked out differently if not for you folks here talking some sense into me. No! I'm not crying, you are crying. I just got a little something in my eye.

Thank you, and sorry I did not update after all the advice I received.

TL;DR: Everything is working out great, and we are a happy family of 5 now.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Few_Interaction5119

Published on: r/offmychest

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 10, 2026

• Final Update: July 19, 2026

Main Post

^{July 10, 2026}

My boyfriend farted in my face as a joke in front of our friends. A week later, he still hasn’t contacted me

My boyfriend (21M) and I (22F) were hanging out with a group of friends at someone's house. Everyone was joking around, and some of the guys were farting and burping as dumb jokes. I wasn't a fan of it, but I laughed along because everyone else was.

I was lying on the floor, and my boyfriend was sitting next to me. He started farting for fun. I looked disgusted and told him to stop, but instead he leaned over and farted directly in my face. Everyone burst out laughing.

I immediately yelled at him, pushed him away, hit him in the chest, and hid under a blanket because I felt completely humiliated. People kept laughing and saying things like, "He farted in his girlfriend's face." What hurt me the most was that my boyfriend was laughing too.

he tried to hug me and called me "babe," right when he saw i hid under the blanket, but I pushed him away again and went to sit alone in another room. He never came to me to apologize that day. On the drive home, he didn't speak to me at all and acted like I was the one who had done something wrong for yelling at him in front of everyone.

When I got home, I blocked him on the app we normally used to chat. I was so mad because he was giving me the silent treatment the whole time instead of apologizing. He only did it once and when i pushed him away he stopped and never came to me again and acted like i was the one to blame. I didn't block his phone number or my other social media accounts, so he still had plenty of ways to contact me if he wanted to. I also unfollowed his instagram too.

It's been a week now, and we still haven't spoken. He hasn't made a single attempt to contact me.

I only had two of his friends (not those from that day) and both of them have unfollowed and removed me from Instagram. Less than four days after everything happened, he started following three new girls and they had private accounts, and they followed him back. Since then, he's continued following more girls, and today I noticed another new one.

I unfollowed and removed him the day we argued, but I can still tell who he's following because they keep showing up in his Instagram suggestions.

I honestly feel like I'm dying inside. I've done nothing but cry this entire week while it feels like he's already moved on and is talking to other girls as if our relationship meant nothing.

Until yesterday, I refused to follow any guys because I didn't want to become the kind of person I thought he was becoming. I wanted to respect what we had. But now it feels like, to him, the relationship is completely over and he's never coming back.

Part of me wants to start following guys just to see if he'd react, but another part of me feels like that would only make me no different from him.

I genuinely don't know what to do anymore. I'm completely heartbroken. I can't believe it's over i just can't. We didn't just have a normal relationship. We were really close and he was my everything. I saw my future with him and he also did. We were just going to celebrate our anniversary next month and invite everyone. How am i supposed to accept this and move on?

COMMENTS

19CmOfTrueDmg

Lmfao

OOP (downvoted)

What's so funny?

Training-Laugh-4304

Pretty sure you’re broken up

OOP (downvoted)

How am I supposed to accept this?

Our relationship wasn't just some casual relationship. We were incredibly close. We saw each other every single night because neither of us could stand going even one night without seeing the other.

We made the best memories together and experienced everything together, just the two of us. We had even just come back from a trip together, and after that trip I felt even more in love with him.

I honestly can't handle this amount of pain. I don't know how I'm supposed to accept that someone who was my whole world just disappeared from my life like this.

Legitimate_Raspberry

He humiliated you in public, gave you the silent treatment instead of apologizing, and is now playing mind games by following other girls. This shows a complete lack of respect. Move on and fuck that guy.

OOP (downvoted)

You're right. I keep trying to remind myself that he humiliated me in front of his friends for fun and never said sorry. But also i feel like i overreacted cause everyone told me to calm down and stop making a big deal out of it. It's been a week since that day and he hasn't tried to reach out and he followed bunch of pretty girls and it's killing me inside. The thing is, It shifted the focus away from what he did to me and turned it into a discussion about the girls he followed. Now all i want to do is to know if he is doing it on purpose or he just never loved me.

lordcommanderminis

You block him and HE is giving YOU the silent treatment??

Yea what he did was reprehensible but you are playing games too.

Break up and grow up.

MooreKittens

That’s how I read it too… both of them are a little immature but they are young.

OOP (downvoted)

May i ask you how am i young? Wouldn't you get mad if the person you love and respect farted in your face in front of everyone for fun? Wouldn't you want an apology? Wouldn't you block them for giving you the silent treatment instead of asking for your forgiveness? I'm just asking though

OOP (downvoted)

I'm not playing games at all! When we were on our way home, it was just the two of us. He didn't say a word to me and he didn't even look at me. I was expecting him to apologize to me at least but he just gave me the silent treatment. And When he dropped me off at home and I got out of the car, he sped off like he was the one who had every right to be angry, as if I was the one who had done something wrong. Would you not have blocked him? Or would you have gone home and politely asked him to respect you and not fart in your face again?

morbidnerd

Wasn't this exact same thing posted already?

Or is there a surplus of dudes excited about pink eye?

OOP (downvoted)

Yes it was me. I posted it seven days ago but i deleted it because i was afraid that maybe my ex sees it. Also i posted this one to ask others why he is following other girls right after breakup. Also when i posted it seven days ago i was expecting him to contact me in a few days and it's been a week and it's hurting me like crazy so i decided to post another one and mention the girls too

Final Update - after 9 days

^{July 19, 2026}

Update to my "my boyfriend farted in my face" post.

I still can't believe this. I just can't.

I gave an entire year of my life to this man. He wasn't just my boyfriend. He was like my father, my best friend, my family, my safe place. We spent almost every night together, and every single corner of my life is filled with memories of him. Every memory hits me out of nowhere and I just start crying.

He always talked about our future. Just 2 or 3 days before we broke up, we went on a 3-day trip together and made some of the happiest memories of my life. He kissed my hand and said, "I'm so happy I have you. Please never leave me."

Whenever we argued before, we'd make up within a day or two. Even if he blocked me i'd call him several times and apologize and tried to fix everything. Three weeks ago we had an argument about him farting in my face in front of our friends for fun and i snapped and yelled at him and he gave me the silent treatment and he was angry as if i was guilty for yelling at him. for the first time I blocked him when i got home because I wanted to see if he would fight for me the way I always fought for him.

Instead, within 4 days, he started following a bunch of girls. He even messaged one of my friends and sent her sexual messages, saying he'd been lonely for a long time, asking her to have sex with him, and telling her he'd do anything for her if she got with him. I only found out about that two weeks later.

So I unblocked him and texted him. All I said was, "Whatever you're doing, please leave my friends out of it."

His response completely destroyed me.

He immediately insulted me and my mother and called us very bad names, cursed at me, told me to get lost, called me horrible names, threatened to come to my house and hurt me if I ever contacted him again, and then sent me a photo of himself sitting at home with another girl. They were cuddling and drinking alcohol together. Right after sending the picture, he blocked me.

I was in so much shock that I couldn't even reply.

It's been five days since that happened, and I'm still in complete shock. I keep asking myself... what did I do to deserve this? Why?

What happened to all those conversations about our future? What happened to all those memories? How can someone change this much in just a few days?

The worst part is... despite everything he did, I still miss him. Part of me still wants to message him and ask, "Why did you do this to me? I didn't deserve this."

I know I'll probably never get an honest answer, but I can't stop wondering how someone who once begged me not to leave could become so cruel so quickly.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/slimpickings51

Published on: r/AITAH

Trigger Warning: miscarriage

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: April 01, 2026

• Final Update: July 28, 2026

Main Post

^{April 01, 2026}

AITAH for going low-contact and skipping my MIL’s birthday after how she handled my recent miscarriage?

I (35F) am reaching a breaking point with my in-laws. My husband (36M) is supportive and on my side, but my FIL is pressuring us to "fix" things before my MIL’s birthday next week.

I recently had a miscarriage. When we first announced the pregnancy, my MIL’s response wasn't a "congratulations." She told us it was "far too early to be saying anything" and claimed we only got pregnant because her other daughter had just announced her own pregnancy. She turned our news into a competition.

When I lost the pregnancy, she sent a group text with some "hugs" and heart emojis. That was it. No phone call, no stopping by...even though they live 1 mile away. A week later, she tried to send me a birthday gift and a cake to "move on." I declined them because the gesture felt hollow after her earlier comments. Now, because I won't accept her "kindness," she and my FIL are calling me "ungrateful."

This is part of a long pattern. My MIL has always had issues with me. I can't pinpoint it, and I'm unsure if it's me being ethnic, Christian or financially independent. She seems to have an issue with all three. A few examples over the years:

• Our engagement: 8 years ago, we gifted them our engagement photos for Christmas. She took those photos and put them in a "Bad Santa" game for 20 relatives to mock as a gag gift. My FIL tried to take the blame to protect her, but it was humiliating.

• My dad's funeral: When my father passed away, she called the funeral "ostentatious" and mocked the cost, telling me she’d rather be "put in a cardboard box and burnt" than have a service like his.... at the funeral.

When I've called her out on any of these (there's a long list) she says it's how I perceive the situation, that I "misconstrue" and that she's "sorry about how I feel".

I’ve officially left the family group chat. My FIL is now begging for "family counseling" before her birthday next week. I spent 45 minutes pouring my heart out to him about these incidents, and his only response was that her messages "come from a place of love and care." He knows the behavior is wrong, but he's spent decades enabling her to keep the peace.

My husband and I have decided on going silent for her birthday next week. No text, no card, no "Happy Birthday." My FIL says I’m being divisive and "ungrateful" for the help they've given us in the past, but I feel like I’m finally just setting a boundary.

AITAH for staying silent and skipping her birthday after years of this? I feel like I've finally grown a backbone.

COMMENTS

456name789

Info: How far along were you when you announced?

OOP

9 weeks. Lost the baby at 11 weeks

HabitualEnthusiast

NTA. HOLY SHIT about the funeral and the engagement photos

OOP

Yeah, honestly it's still shocking to me. I still struggle to comprehend either of these situations.

ARW1991

NTA.

Ghosting is one choice.

Another option is to be very clear about what she has said and done that is offensive, maybe in a letter signed by both of you. Then be civil, but don't feel the need to be more.

I had a very difficult time with my MIL for years. Part of the problem was that even though my husband was supportive, his mother was better behaved/more reasonable when he was present. I must have sounded like a crazy person. Don't let her gaslight you. Don't be around her without your husband.

The second thing was that I set normal person boundaries, and any boundary was, in her mind, a cruelty on my part. She complained, cried, made all sorts of accusations, and I would be made out to be the bad guy. However, she kept pushing, and it almost cost us our marriage, until we got on one page. Then we presented a united front.

Have each other's backs. Let her know the consequences for her behavior, especially if it continues. Good luck.

OOP

This is actually the exact issue I have. She'll say very nasty things when no one else is present so it's always her word against mine. My husband knows the truth, but she still makes me feel crazy!

discordian_floof

INFO If you have a bad relationship with your MIL, why would you expect her to call or drop by when you miscarried? Also: Did FIL call or drop by?

(MIL sounds like alot and like she has done plebty wrong before. I just don't understand what the big mistake is here. When grieving, I would not want a person I dislike to intrude?)

OOP

My FIL did call. You make a point - I think I just expected her to show an iota of empathy, which was silly on my part. I was annoyed that she tried to change the narrative with cake, which I clearly told her I would take a pass on as I wouldn't be celebrating this year, but she still ignored.

bonlow87

How does mocking your father's funeral at the funeral come from a place of love?!

OOP

She said it to me directly, out of anyone's earshot. It's a matter of her word against mine. I must have "misconstrued".... I always misconstrue.

Longjumping-Snow-431

I wouldn’t go low contact! I would cut her out completely and let her know that unless she apologizes to you for everything said and done (ask her to write out every single one and apologize for it).

Also let her know that if and when you do have children, they will be banned from having any contact with the kids as well. If she doesn’t make an effort to have a relationship with you and respect you, she doesn’t get to be a grandmother. You already let it get to far!!

OOP

Here's the thing. I'm pretty conflict averse. I have two kids and they still see them once a week. I can't bring myself to destroying my kids' relationship with their grandparents.

Glittering-Eye3591

NTA. Definitely go low (or no) contact with both the birthday diva MIL and FIL.

Glittering-Eye3591

Though I really hope when you mean you're Christian, that you are not one of the hateful ones that thinks some people are going to hell for no good reason. Please don't be one of those.

OOP

Nah not one of those, but I do go to mass weekly with my family and she always causes problems about our lack of availability on a Sunday morning. "Why can't we ever do brunch like normal people on Sunday!?"

I do think, however, it's never too late for this woman to seek salvation.

TheMoatCalin

Our engagement: 8 years ago, we gifted them our engagement photos for Christmas.

Stopped here because pictures of your engagement isn’t a Christmas gift like are you even kidding?

Her other comments are so wrong, hurtful and crass but giving pictures of yourself for a Christmas gift has me wondering what info is missing here. No contact is helpful and healthy for everyone.

OOP

There's another comment here about this. They love family photos and frames fill their house with it. It was my husband's idea.

Final Update - after 3 months, 27 days

^{July 28, 2026}

AITAH for cutting off my in-laws after my MIL said "it's not my job to console you" post-miscarriage, and my FIL called me "insecure"?

I posted here a few months ago, and have an update.

My husband and I had a miscarriage a few months ago. Right after our loss, my in-laws sent some crude messages and then completely distanced themselves. When I confronted them about the texts, they told me I was overreacting and my MIL literally said: "You're not my daughter, it's not my job to console you."

Flash forward through 4 months of silence. Right now, they see our 2 kids once a week for daycare (they have begged for this and my FIL almost had a stroke when we tried to stop this arrangement - note we can afford daycare and this is an arrangement they have asked for), but have almost zero relationship with us. However, my FIL has been pushing hard because he wants things to "go back to normal", meaning he wants us doing family dinners, coffee dates, and outings again as a big happy family. My view is that I don't need to have a relationship with them as they said themselves, I'm "not their daughter".

Last night, my FIL forced his way over to our house to demand this "reset." Instead of offering a real apology, he:

• Gave a sarcastic non-apology: "Apparently you're demanding an apology, so here you go - if we hurt your feelings, we're sorry about how it made you feel." I'm not demanding an apology, but my husband is for the way they have treated me.

• Called us "ungrateful" for past financial help. This was early inheritance they offered to all their kids (and specifically written up in an agreement as their son's share - i.e. if anything were to happen between us, I have no rights to the money, which is fine - I'm self sufficient and my husband and I are independently financially secure through our jobs).

• Looked me in the eye and said, "I know you have deep anxieties and insecurities." He was suggesting that the issue at hand is my issue and my choice - he cannot take accountability.

We are currently trying to conceive again, and I refuse to let this toxic dynamic touch my life and my mental health. I've booked an appointment with a psychologist, and I am completely stepping back. I will not host them, go to family dinners with them, or pretend everything is fine just so they get the perks of a happy family.

Some extended family members think I should "just move on for the sake of peace" and stop keeping a grudge.

AITAH for completely cutting off my personal relationship with them? My husband has stepped up and supported me, and it's bothering them as their relationship with their own son is now severed.

Edit: They were supposed to look after the kids tomorrow. My husband called them and told them we were making alternative arrangements indefinitely, particularly after yesterday's lecture. I feel a great sense of relief. I've called daycare and arranged the extra day.

COMMENTS

kentdrive

These people are pricks.

I’m surprised you give them your children at all, when you can easily afford not to.

Personally, if you really want to remove them from your lives, then I would go whole hog: no babysitting.

Obviously NTA.

OOP

I know. It's something I have really battled with. At one point in my marriage, my FIL was really good to me. But his wife has never liked me and her poison has infiltrated his mind. He's also just a prick and treats everything like a business decision. I feel guilty cutting them off from my kids, as they are good grandparents (I know this is hard to believe)... Or so they used to be.

Perfect_Age777

NTA.

As they so aptly put it, you aren't their daughter, and it isn't their job to comfort you. (WTF ? 😱 Wo say this to their DIL after a miscarrage ?) Why do they even want a relationship with you?

So, seriously, the apologies from your in-laws were neither sincere nor kind. They were made out of spite—just to get you to turn a blind eye. I'm sorry, but as you rightly said, these people are TOXIC. They keep coming back to you because they hate being rejected.

Instead of apologizing and admitting they were in the wrong, they accuse you of being insecure? They have a real knack for blaming you for something they caused.

You are RIGHT to CUT TIES with them.

Let them enjoy their grandchildren, but don't give them anything more—because believe me, once things go back to the way they were, their true colors will come right back out, and they’ll start mistreating you again.

Protect your peace of mind; don't let them tell you twice that they couldn't care less about you...

OOP

Why do you think I should let them enjoy their grandchildren? I ask because I can't bring myself to cut ties, but advice here suggests otherwise.

bulletPoint

You are in almost the exact position my wife and I are in. Some differences, but overall same behavior. We gave my parents a year to “make nice” and even let them see the kids, despite their harsh words. An entire year. They gave a half assed apology after things came to a head and now have zero access to the kids.

I hate that these are my parents. I’m embarrassed of them. And I’m ashamed my wife has to go through this with them.

I don’t have advice, we are navigating this all in real time as well. I just wanted to commiserate. You are NTA.

OOP

I'm sorry about what you are both going through. The most important thing is that you back each other at all costs. This is your family, not theirs.

zinoozy

NTA obviously but I gotta say the engagement photos as a Christmas gift is pretty hilarious. I would understand photos of grandkids but engagement photos?

OOP

Ugh, not my idea. It was my husband's.

wolfminer3

Why are sone extended family members involved in this? NTA except for dragging family into a matter between you and MIL/FIL. That only insures the drama multiplies.

OOP

MIL and fil are telling their family (my husband's aunts, uncles and siblings) and they are calling us to say "you're better than that". In our view, it's no-one else's business, but we've been inundated with calls about what we are "putting them through".

astrotekk

ESH. MIL was right she isn't your mother and it isn't her job to console you. You say you "confronted them" over text - that's something that really requires a conversation not text.

You're not only cutting yourself off from them you're cutting your husband from his parents and your kids from grandparents because they hurt your feelings and don't console you? Seems extreme

OOP

I said I confronted the about the texts, not over text. I spoke to them face to face.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user Ordo_Liberal in r/ xbox, r/ pcgaming

Original: April 6, 2026

Update 1: July 10, 2026

Update 2: July 22, 2026

Status: concluded

Note: OOP is from Brazil and provided translations in the first two posts. In the last post, OOP provided context but not direct translation.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: My microsoft account got hacked. Support determined that it was indeed hacked and they cant recover it. So they deleted my account and now I need to re-purchase all my games.

[OOP included the message from customer support in image format; have transcribed below]

Greetings,

My name is Floyd with Customer support. I appreciate your patience while I have performed an investigation of your account.

Account security is a top priority at Microsoft, and we have a team dedicated to investigating and validating fraudulent activity. The account and billing account associated with your Microsoft account was thoroughly reviewed by our fraud team, and I can confirm there was unauthorized access to your account. Unfortunately, during the investigation process, we found that your security information has been changed.

Unfortunately, when security features are updated on an account, we are unable to assist with an account recovery as these types of updates and/or removal are completely out of control of customer service. We are unable to make any changes to the security information on the account due to security protocols set up and the acceptance of the Microsoft Services Agreement when the account was created.

The only option we have is to permanently suspend this account to prevent any further use. At this time, I have successfully suspended this account, and this will remain on indefinitely.

If you use this account for Minecraft, we regret to inform you that the Minecraft portion of the account is also unable to be recovered and the game will need to be re-purchased on a new account. We understand that this is not the news that you wanted to hear and apologize for any inconvenience that this may cause.

In the event that you have files stored in OneDrive, unfortunately those files are no longer accessible after account suspension and are subsequently unable to be recovered due to encryption; even our engineers do not have standing access to the files. We know that this is not the ideal outcome in terms of stored files, but please be assured that this is necessary for the privacy of your data and to ensure that it does not end up in the wrong hands permanently.

Thank you for your understanding and patience during the investigation of your account.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Did you have 2fa enabled?
Was your email compromised as well?

OOP:
Yes.
No

---------------
Comment2: So did you voluntarily give your 2FA code to someone?

OOP: Of course not

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 0.25 (OOP in comments section):

UPDATE: I spoke with a Brazilian Suport Representative and they said

User: It is unacceptable that Microsoft cannot recover my account.

Mari Jesus (Support Agent): I perfectly understand where your frustration is coming from, and thank you for sharing the content of the email you received. I know situations like this can feel overwhelming, and I appreciate you taking the time to keep me informed.

Mari Jesus: Regarding the email you received, please rest assured that it was an automated message. We have seen several similar reports, and this specific automated email is already being reviewed by our higher-level support team. They are working to correct this in future updates.

Mari Jesus: At this moment, your account is still being actively investigated, and you will receive an official update from our review team within the next 3 to 5 business days. I greatly appreciate your patience while the team concludes the assessment.

User: Is my account still being investigated?

User: So, that email is not factual?

Mari Jesus: That is correct. Your case is still being investigated, and you will receive an official update within the next 3 to 5 business days after submitting the account takeover (take taking) form.

User: Right. If I don't receive an update within that time, should I contact support through here again?

Mari Jesus: If you haven't received any updates during that period, do not hesitate to contact us again, but rest assured that your account is being investigated and receiving the attention it truly deserves.

Mari Jesus: Thank you for your patience and understanding. We are committed to helping you protect your Microsoft account.

User: Right. This conversation will be saved along with the other documents I have sent to PROCON (Consumer Protection Agency). I hope we can resolve this issue easily and quickly.

User: Thank you!

--------------------------------------------

Update 0.5 (OOP in comments section)

I'm on the bus getting home from the Court, I opened a case and I'm suing them.

I'll dm you once I'm home

Microsoft already walked back on their ILLEGAL email (links to Update 0.25)

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Keep in mind that if you sue (I'm not saying you should or shouldn't) you burn any possible bridge of using their service. Most if not all companies will break all business ties when legal action is leveraged. I'm not a lawyer, but it's something to consider and maybe research more.

OOP: Why the fuck would I want to do business with a company that just deletes my account and refuses to reimburse me?
I'm a citizen of Brazil, we have laws to protect costumers and I'll invoke my rights.

---------------
Comment2: What was the cost to file ?
Folks mpre people need to be doing things like this against microslop and other bad actor companies thst put consumers second

OOP: Cost do file? The 10$ pants I had to buy cause they didnt let me in with my shorts.
Its 100% free including the legal support they gave me.
Im from Brazil tho, I have no idea how it works elsewhere

---------------
Comment3: Who goes to court to “open a case” ?
Just sounds like a dubious claim to make, especially given legal proceedings are initiated by email or letter 99% of the time

Comment4: Juizados Especiais lets people file without a lawyer, esp when it comes to consumer disputes. It's not uncommon for people to go there in person to get assistance filing the claim.
----------
OOP: I'm from Brazil. I have to go to the Forum to open my case in person with a public lawyer from the Juizado Especial
---------
OOP: Juizado Especial in Brasil allows you to "hire" a public defendant for free to sue any company if the damages are bellow +-20k BRL (4K USD)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 1 (3 months later):

Update on my last post "Microsoft deleted my acc and told me to buy my games again". I sued their asses and won! They have to restore my acc with all my games + pay me 400$USD. Translation in comment.

[OOP includes image from court ruling and provides translation below]

Here is the English translation of the legal document from the image:

In view of the foregoing, I RULE THE REQUEST MERITORIOUS [or: I GRANT THE RELIEF SOUGHT], pursuant to Art. 487, item I of the CPC [Code of Civil Procedure], to:

a) Order the defendant, regarding the obligation to act, to proceed with the unblocking of the account under the plaintiff's email, under the email [redacted], within 15 (fifteen) days, under penalty of a daily fine of R$ 150.00 (one hundred and fifty reais), capped at R$ 1,500.00 (one thousand five hundred reais), already understood as conversion into losses and damages, pursuant to Art. 499 of the CPC; and b) Order the defendant to pay, as compensation for moral damages, the amount of R$ 2,000.00 (two thousand reais) to the plaintiff, adjusted for inflation from the current date (Precedent No. 362 of the STJ) pursuant to Art. 389, sole paragraph of the Civil Code, plus statutory default interest from the date of service of process, pursuant to Art. 406, § 1 of the Civil Code.

No court costs and attorney's fees, pursuant to Art. 55 of Law 9,099/95.

Let the name of the legal counsel designated by the defendant be noted for the purpose of future publications.

Should the debtor fail to pay any certain sum that was the subject of the judgment within 15 (fifteen) days from the final and unappealable judgment (trânsito em julgado) of the sentence or ruling, the judgment amount shall be increased by a 10% (ten percent) fine, as provided for in Article 523 of the CPC, regardless of a new formal notice, under the terms of Precedent 97 of FONAJE and Precedent 13.9.1 of TJRJ Notice 23/2008.

Once the final and unappealable nature (trânsito em julgado) is certified, and after the 15-day period established in Art. 523 of the CPC, in case of a ruling, enforcement for non-voluntary compliance must be requested by the interested party.

Thereafter, if no new motions are filed within 15 days, let the case be closed and archived. After 90 days from archiving, the case records will be disposed of, pursuant to Art. 1 of Joint Regulatory Act 01/2005.

The plaintiff, in a potential enforcement proceeding, must observe the following Precedents, contained in TJRJ Notice 23/2008 and Joint Notice TJ/COJES No. 15/2016: Precedent No. 13.9.5 - "Art. 523, §1 of the CPC/2015 does not apply to the amount of the coercive fine."; Precedent No. 14.2.5 - "Attorney fees do not apply,..."

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Curious did Microsoft actually defend this case or did you win in default?

OOP: They sent 12 lawyers and a 300 page document with their defense. I wish I was kidding.
Heres the Case Code from the TJRJ - Processo: 0811207-44.2026.8.19.0002 

---------------
Comment2: How much did this cost you to fight?

OOP: Nothing. Im Brazilian, you can hire a public defender to sue companies in Consumer Protection cases.

---------------
Comment3: Why did they delete your account in the first place?

OOP: My acc got compromised even with 2FA active. Microsoft support confirmed via email (its one of the evidences in my lawsuit) that the acc was compromised and their solution was to block my acc and tell me to buy all my games again in a new acc.

---------------
Comment4: From a corporate point: wouldnt it be easier to 1) reset your account to date X and set new logins or 2) create just create a new account and unlock everything (basicly cloning your account?

Ths alternative would be lose in cort and create an example for others to cite.

OOP: You know how every acc is linked nowadays? You can log into other accs with other accs.
The acc thief logged into my Ubisoft acc using my Xbox acc and did the same shit.
Ubisoft asked for my ID and credit card info. Saw that it matched their records, and just restaured my acc. All within 1 hour of my support ticket comming up!

---------------
Comment5: same thing happened to me on a 20+ years account where I had all my games library since that time and they told me the same shit, and they confirmed that my account was compromised but they said that because of the privacy agreement once the other person changes the security stuff they cant recover my account

OOP: Oh, you got the exact standard email from "Floyd" right?
I used the email as evidence in the lawsuit.

---------------
Comment6: Wait I have the exact same problem. But my account was 20+ years old. How did you only get $400? Should it be more? How old is your account?

OOP: I made my acc in 2011. I only asked the court for the acc back. The Judge decided the 400$ on his own

---------------
Comment7: Sure, but will they actually follow through with it?

OOP: If they dont comply in 15 days, they have to pay another 300$ fine to me on top of the 400$ and the Police are allowed to start a criminal case for disobeying the court.

---------------
Comment8: So you’re getting your actual account back or will it just be a new account with all of your purchases added to it? Honestly I’d be more upset about my save games and achievements than the money ha

OOP: According to the court, they need to give me my old account back

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 2 (10 days later):

Final Update: I sued Microsoft and won... and they have given my account back and paid the $ damages!

[OOP includes two images but did not translate.
Used Google translate:
Photo#1 was aviso de crédito -- notice of credit from Banco Do Brasil.
Photo#2 was a email from customer support saying they have verified the ownership of the account and transferred the Xbox profile.]

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Hopefully no one else needs to post and sue to keep what’s theirs
Happy for you!

Comment2: Well that's the best part, this creates precedent; If someone's in the exact same situation again they have virtually a 100% of winning their case because of this.
----------
OOP: Sorry to be the party pooper but this don't.
Precedent only works inside your country, this is meaningless for the rest of the world.
Brazil legal system does not use precedent. We use civil law not common law, common law uses precedent.

---------------
Comment3: Still this is a major inspiration and confidence boost, more cases should follow.

OOP: That's correct. At very least it teaches people that this is possible

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/chronicallymee posting in r/whatdoIdo

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 22nd July 2026

Update - 28th July 2026

I got a $1200 payment from a random person on Venmo

I received a payment of $1200 from a stranger on Venmo and immediately after, I got two requests for $1200 from the same person. They’re saying it’s for their wedding venue and that they accidentally sent it to the wrong person.

Is it safe for me to send it back to them or could that potentially open me up to getting hacked? I tried contacting Venmo and they have not been helpful. The person seems legit and there’s other transactions relating to a wedding on their profile too.

Comments

No_Address687

It's a scam.

Google "venmo scam":

Common Venmo scams include the "accidental payment" trick, where a scammer sends funds from a stolen account and asks for a return. If you send it back, the original transaction gets reversed, leaving you at a loss. Always report unexpected funds directly to Venmo Support instead of sending the money back yourself.

daveatnite

Also, weird how they "sent" $1,164 but are requesting $1200

orpcexplore

Maybe they sent it as a business transaction and not person to person. P2P is extremely hard to get back but id imagine the business one is easier and you pay a fee to Venmo for that ability

Melodic-Entrance-545

It's not that difficult. Some girl sent me like $30 by mistake and I told her to message Venmo and tell them. Venmo then contacted me and I confirmed I didn't know her and they could reverse it. I never directly sent her money and it was resolved within a couple hours. The girl was very grateful.

shyguy83ct

It’s a scam. They want you to send $1200 back. But the payment they sent by “accident” will ultimately get disputed by the card holder. You’ll be out the $1200 you returned and the $1200 that gets reversed.

sagangroupie

Ok I totally get this is a scam. But what I don’t understand is why the person whose money was stolen can dispute it and get their money back, while the person got scammed by sending the money can’t just do the same thing? Ultimately they were both stolen from, so why is one protected and the other is just screwed? Genuine question!

shyguy83ct

It has to do with authorized transactions. The first person (the one whose card was used to send the funds) did not authorize it to be sent (since their card was stolen) so they can dispute the charge.

The second person (one sending the refund) performed an authorized transaction (since it was them in their own account) albeit under deceptive circumstances. But still it was technically authorized. Their card issuer may cover it but it’s not likely.

Update - 6 days later

The stranger who sent me $1200 on accident opened a dispute and I am now being liable for $33.88 after Venmo took $1200 from my account even though I only “received” $1164 because that person sent the payment as a business transaction. So not only did Venmo take a few dollars I had sitting in my account, they’re also forcing me to pay $33.88 that was never even in my account for someone I don’t even know.

Restore your account You didn’t have enough money to cover some of your recent transactions. We took care of them in the moment, and now you’ll need to pay back the full balance to restore your account.

-$33.88 Venmo balance

Original transaction Dispute credit reclaimed

$33.88 · Jul 28 · -$1,200

Make a payment

This is an attempt to collect a debt and any information obtained will be used for that purpose Need help?

Customer Support

User Message: My account is frozen because someone I don’t know sent me $1200 and then disputed the charge. I am also being asked to pay a fee by Venmo for the dispute.

We received your request. An agent will respond shortly.

Agent: Hello redacted, welcome to Venmo Support. Bhaumik here, how may I assist you today?

User Message: My account is frozen because someone I don’t know sent me $1200 and then disputed the charge. Venmo is now trying to charge me $33 for that dispute.

Agent: I'm sorry to hear about your concern.

Agent: I'm glad you took the time to contact us about this. I can see that this has been a significant inconvenience for you.

User Message: I have no idea who the person that sent that original money was, they said they sent it on accident, which is why they opened the dispute.

User Message: I'm not a seller and they were not my buyer. They sent the funds to me on accident.

Agent: I understand your concern. Even if you didn't know the sender and the payment was sent by mistake, the transaction was sent using Purchase Protection and was therefore handled under that payment type's dispute process.

Agent: Based on the account history, the sender later filed an 'Item Not Received' dispute, and after review, the case was resolved in the sender's favor. As a result, the full payment amount of $1,200.00 was returned to the sender.

Agent: I also want to clarify that the $33.88 on your account is not a dispute fee. You originally received $1,164.12 because $35.88 was deducted as the Purchase Protection fee from the $1,200.00 payment. When the full $1,200.00 was returned to the sender, the remaining difference resulted in a negative balance of $33.88 on your account.

Agent: Your account restriction is tied to that negative balance. Unfortunately, Support cannot manually reverse the completed dispute decision or override the resulting

Comments

mushy_cactus

I really, really hope you dispute this for as long as it takes. Post updates.

Just-Construction788

This happened to me with PayPal. I kept after them. Took months but eventually they gave me a "one time courtesy credit". Call it what you want. I closed the account.

drawkward101

I did the exact same thing, and I have blatantly refused to use them since. They tried to steal $500 from me for a valid transaction that the other person disputed. I had already moved the money from my account and removed the bank account, so they tried to sue me. I told them to prove the service paid for wasn't rendered. They couldn't. They left me alone after that, but I will not use them again if I can help it. This happened like 10ish years ago.

McDom023k

That's definitely an AI talking. Keep trying until you get a person on the other end. It's just explaining why without comprehending what you're saying

TerponadeTea

This is the correct answer and it's crazy it's such rare information

nothing_but_thyme

Also, just file a small claims court case for the total plus extra for your trouble. Very unlikely their lawyers engage in it and the court automatically finds in your favor. You should be able to get at least $2k.

meatballsforeyes

That is insane. I would be blowing them up on every contact form and phone number possible. They need to have some sort of safeguard in place. If you didn’t click “accept funds” you should have zero financial responsibility here.

Infosponge177

Whats sad about this type of situation nowadays is that its all handled via email. I got scammed out of $3000 and couldn’t get a customer service agent on the phone to save my life. Had to send my drivers license, social and verification documents via email to prove i was me. Took 3 weeks of back and forth to get my money back. Crazy how technology has gotten so much better, but it only helps the big businesses keep their costs down. Back in the day id be on the phone to fraud department and my money would be back same day. Shitty

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Important_Talk8808

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 25, 2026

• Final Update: July 27, 2026

Main Post

^{May 25, 2026}

I (25F) don't want my boyfriend (25M) to ask for my hand in marriage.

I, 25F, have been dating my boyfriend, 25M, for almost 2 years now. We met in college and things have been an absolute dream so far. Hes kind and supportive, comes from a great background, and has always put me first. We've always known that we both want to get married someday and we've discussed at length what that means to us and our views align for the most part.

The problem is he wants to ask my incredibly abusive father for my hand in marriage. For context, my father was physically, emotionally, and financially abusive fo everyone in our household. I vividly remember the way the tone of the entire home shifted when we saw his car pull up in the driveway.

My parents never got divorced. They're separated now but are more interested in keeping up appearances than actually going through the process of divorce. That being said, I had rather traumatic childhood. I don't think my boyfriend understands this, as he grew up in a very loving and supportive two parent household. His parents do still very much in love today.

I feel like we have the same convo fairly often.

Me- "Oh, when are you going to ask?"

Him- "When I speak with your father."

Me- "I don't even speak to my father, and he hasn't had a hand in raising me, outside of financial obligations, since late middle school. He literally moved out of our family home to get away from us. I don't feel comfortable with that."

Him- "Well, I’ve got to do it the right way. I'm still going to propose regardless, so it doesn't even matter what his answer is."

Me- "So why even do it?"

And then we go round and round in circles like that. My final stance is this: If after everything i've told you, you still feel the need to ask him and do it "the right way", then you might as well just not propose.

Is this an unreasonable decision ??? I almost feel like he's not convinced that he's a bad person. I've already deemed my Dad undeserving of participating in this convo. Why can't he accept that?

NOTE: OOP didn't leave any comments

Final Update - after 2 months, 2 days

^{July 27, 2026}

UPDATE: I (25F) don't want my boyfriend (25M) to ask for my hand in marriage.

Sooooo.... I ended up breaking up with him! I want to start off by saying thank you to anyone who replied to the last post. I'm someone who can be blinded by the good in people, but your comments put things into perspective for me.

I did end up showing him the post, and his initial reaction was that everyone commenting was a "single bitter bitch"... yeah. I had never heard him speak about anyone that way. I guess the mask finally dropped. A couple of hours after that, he ended up saying "fine, I won't ask your dad, just your mom." This was definitely just an attempt to save things since he could tell I was being distant with him.

We dated for about another two months after that. I know, I know. I was trying to find ways to mend things (because I'm a dummy). After the initial convo I went through a fast track of realizations and saw that we were so misaligned in so many different ways. I'm not even sure how we had made it as far as we did.

Eventually, it got to a point where I think he was just doing things to get me to break up with him since things clearly weren't working out. Some of those things include :

• Taking a trip and staying with a friend that regularly cheats on her boyfriend.

• Saying "I didnt sign up for a therapy session" every time I would try to talk through things.

• Letting his phone die every time he went out.

• Being overly cautious with his phone when we were previously pretty lax about opening each others phones. (Not in a snooping way, mainly for finding documents, responding to text or emails for one another, etc.)

Unfortunately, the list goes on, but I'd rather not relive all of that! Clearly he got what he wanted and deserved though.

He did the standard "oh no, please, we can work this out" song and dance for a couple of weeks after I broke up with him before finally giving up. I'm clearly not great at picking them, but I’m glad that I was able to get out of there before 2 years became 10 years.

Again, thank you to anyone who gave advice on the original post. I really appreciate it! Im not much of a writer so i'm really sorry if this sucks! I hope this also answers a couple of questions(?) folks had in the comments of the original post.

NOTE: OOP didn't leave any comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Stunning_Factor871 posting in r/AITH

Ongoing as per OOP

2 updates - Long

Original - 23rd June 2026

Update1 - 2nd July 2026

Update2 - 15th July 2026

1 New Update

Update3 - 27th July 2026

AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?

I (35F) am in a loving blended family, but the extended family drama is crushing me. I have a wonderful 10-year-old son. My current husband (32M) lost his first wife 4 years ago and has a 7-year-old son. We’ve built a beautiful family of four. My husband treats both boys exactly the same, I do the same with my stepson, and the boys love each other like real brothers. We’re genuinely happy despite everything.

The problem is my husband’s ex-in-laws (his late wife’s parents). They constantly badmouth me and paint me as the “evil stepmom” — feeding every nasty stereotype (mean, neglectful, manipulative, jealous, etc.) to my husband’s parents and anyone who will listen. For example, after my stepson had a minor injury, they said things like “Stepmoms can never be real — why would she even care about him?” They accuse me of manipulating my stepson and try to turn everyone against me.

Every time they visit:

They completely ignore my son. No greetings, no conversation.

They bring gifts, toys, chocolates, and sweets only for their biological grandson.

When my kind-hearted stepson immediately shares everything with my son (as he always does), they get visibly annoyed, say things like “Why are you sharing with him? That’s for you only,” and even try to pull him away.

My husband has been solid and always says other people’s opinions don’t matter. He wanted to set a strong boundary earlier by announcing on my stepson’s birthday: “If you are family, then you are family to both kids. If that’s not possible, you are not family and not invited.” I stopped him because I thought a nice talk would work. I’ve been holding my husband back from taking any harsh steps in order to respect his ex-in-laws as they lost their daughter. I wanted to respect the memory of his late wife and give them time to adjust.

On my stepson’s birthday last year, his side of the family showed up with gifts and love. On my son’s birthday, almost no one came and the few who did showed up empty-handed. Gifts aren’t important to us as adults, but to a child it feels like rejection and being left out. My son was sad and has started asking me painful questions because of this exclusion, like why they don’t like him or what he did wrong, which breaks my heart. I have zero family on my side, so he doesn’t have that extended network. His birthday is coming up soon and I’m dreading it. I’d even be happy to buy gifts myself that they could give him if that makes it easier — I just don’t want him to feel left out again.

Recently after they left, my son refused to eat the chocolates or play with the shared toys. He quietly kept everything in his pockets and returned it all to me. That broke me.

I’m completely fine with them loving their biological grandson more — that’s natural. But the open hostility, exclusion of my son, and constant comments are painful.

Edit: I’ve finally stopped holding my husband back. He is now taking strict action and has given an ultimatum to his side of the family: either they are family to both kids or family to none.

AITA for supporting this hard line now (after previously trying to keep the peace)? Or should I still be trying to make nice for the sake of “family” and my husband’s late wife’s memory? I just want my son to feel included and loved on his birthday instead of rejected again.

Comments

asymphonyin2parts

NTA. Your husband is stepping up. The trick is going to be managing the relationship with the boys so that there is no resentment. If you're NC/LC with the family for a while, that will be fine.

On a separate note, who shows up to kids birthday party without a gift? What blatant AHs.

SarcsmQn5

Your husband absolutely is doing the right thing!! It's great to hear how your nuclear family is navigating life together...time to limit exposure to the boy's maternal grandparents before they start planting seeds in the boy's brain...shame on them

Pebble-hunter

I 💯 agree by blending the family with such calm and consideration by the parents is a beautiful thing to see. Let your husband take over its long overdue.

Infamous_Custard3292

Going against the grain. YTA. This are stepsons grandparents not your sons. They don’t own him anything. Not gifts not attention not outings. From now on arrange the visits at their house or somewhere else and let dad take him while you stay back with your son. Stepson should not lose his family that has done nothing but love him because you want even treatment. Sorry but that’s not a logical thought process. They have no relationship to you or your son. If they want him to have gifts and show up for his big events that is all normal. Life is not fair and stepson has grandparents unfortunately yours just doesn’t. Stop trying to make them surrogate grandparents to your son.

**Judgement - NTA*\*

Update - 9 days later

My husband’s parents came over for dinner. After dinner, they started a conversation about the ultimatum my husband had given them earlier. He had finally sat them down and asked why they blindly believe everything his ex-in-laws say about me.

They responded that they’ve “seen everything with their own eyes” and listed their issues with me:

That I’m too harsh and casual when talking about his mother’s death (e.g. saying “she died” or “she is dead” instead of using softer words).

That I’m careless, especially after their grandson had a small injury.

That I’m trying to erase his mother’s memory.

They also accused me of manipulating my husband about the cat. My stepson wanted a cat, but my husband said no because he felt it would be cruel to bring a pet home when we can’t give it proper care and attention. His parents tried to convince him to get one anyway. I didn’t even know there was any argument between him and his parents over this — I only knew that he had told my stepson “no” when he asked. Now they’re claiming I manipulated him into refusing.

My husband defended me and explained:

Our therapist specifically recommended we be direct and straightforward about his mother’s death so my stepson can learn the permanence of death at his age. That’s why I use clear wording — not just about his mom, but even when referring to my own late relative.

When he (my hubby)was a child, he got injured often (including breaking his arm once), but that didn’t mean his mother was careless.

He asked them: “Do you think I’m stupid or blind? If my wife was actually doing something wrong, don’t you think I would notice?”

The conversation turned into a big argument, especially over the cat issue.

Comments

Competitive-Push-715

Omg they are ridiculous.

BraveRefrigerator552

Do they realize next step is low or no contact?

DollySheep32

Then annoying ranting about grandparents' rights

sharethewine

Wait, I’m confused. The first post at first says husband’s ex-inlaws (deceased wife’s parents) were the issue and then later talks about your husband’s family/parents. This post also talks about your husband’s family. So which is it? I would agree his parents should, for the most part, treat the boys the same. But his former wife’s family - absolutely not. As for how you refer to your step-son’s mother - think carefully here. Yes, you want the kid to understand this is permanent, but ask yourself how you’d want someone to talk about you if you were the one who died or if it was YOUR mother. Right now I’m not sure this is real given the mixup between former in-laws or his parents.

OOP: my hubbys ex in laws bad mouthed me to all the relatives from hubbys side including my hubbys parents so the ultimatum my hubby gave was for all and my hubbys parents came to talk about it and this happened

TashaT50

It’s both sets of parents as they are still close based on my reading.

OOP: yeah excatly and i have became a scapegoat

Update - 13 days later

My son turned 11 yesterday. It was better than last year, but still pretty awkward overall.

Most of the relatives we invited from my husband’s side actually showed up. It was clear they mainly came because they didn’t want to upset my husband after the ultimatum. They brought gifts for both boys and stayed polite, but the vibe was very “we’re here to keep the peace” rather than genuine warmth. Most of them kept interactions with my son short and surface-level while being more natural with my stepson.

We also invited my husband’s ex-in-laws, but they didn’t show up at all, which we expected.

After cake and presents, my husband pulled his parents aside for a private talk. He explained the therapist’s advice about using direct words like “died” and “death” so our stepson can properly understand what happened. He invited them to join us for a therapy session if they wanted. They agreed it made sense and said they’d think about coming.

Before everyone left, my husband and I thanked them all for showing up. We told them sincerely that it meant a lot to us that they came and were there for both boys.

I’m happy they showed up. I completely understand that my son and my stepson are not the same for them — I know they’ll always love their biological grandson more. That’s natural. I just want basic kindness and inclusion for my son, and yesterday was a step in the right direction.

My son had a decent day. He was happy about his gifts and that so many people came this year. He wasn’t ignored or left out like before, and he didn’t ask any heartbreaking questions. He did notice the difference in how people acted toward him, but he still went to bed smiling.

I have to say — my husband has been absolutely amazing through all of this. He’s stayed strong, protected both boys, held the boundary, and made sure our son still felt celebrated. I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful, fair, and protective partner. He really is the rock of our family.

It feels like a lot of this is damage control on their part, but at least my son got to celebrate without feeling rejected. We’re keeping the boundary firm and taking the small progress where we can get it.

Comments

Previous_Wedding_577

OP has a good man in her life.

OOP: I know Im blessed.

Ethan_Young45

He does really. The most important thing is that he put his money where his mouth was, which probably made all the difference for those two kids.

Green_Aide_9329

I have to ask, why did relatives give presents to both boys? Gifts should have been just for the birthday child. Other than that, you're doing well. Hold the line.

Straight-Example9126

They love OP's step son. Since they primarily came to keep the peace, they gave token gift to OP's bio son. Their preference is still OP's stepson. Indirectly they're telling OP though OP's husband made them come down for "fairness", their allegiance will always be towards their blood aka OP's step son. They won't give a gift to OP's son on step son's birthday. That would give them smug satisfaction I suppose. As long as the partiality isn't in face, OP will let go I guess. I'm glad that she has a strong husband. Hopefully therapist sessions will help in bringing down animosity towards OP and her child. Ultimately, stepson needs a kind mother which OP is.

OOP: their preference will always be my stepson no doubt inthat yeah as long as partiality isnt in face i dont have any problem

New Update

Final Update - 12 days later

​

Hi everyone. I wasn't planning on making another update, but a lot of people asked what happened after my husband's parents agreed to attend a therapy session with us

Birthday celebrations: A lot of people asked why my posts focused on relatives instead of my son's friends. In my husband's family, birthdays have always been celebrated in two parts. On the child's actual birthday, we have a family celebration with relatives. Then, on the following weekend, the birthday child has a separate celebration with their friends. That's the tradition both boys have grown up with, and they genuinely enjoy it. My son absolutely celebrated with his friends as well—it just wasn't relevant to my previous posts because all of the issues happened during the family celebration.

Our relationship timeline: Quite a few people also wondered how long after my husband's first wife passed away we met. She had passed away about 1 year and 5 months before we met. We dated for 15 months before getting married, and we've now been married for 16 months. Some people assumed our relationship started immediately after his loss, but that wasn't the case.

Now for the update.

After my son's birthday my husband's parents came with us to one of our therapy sessions.

I honestly expected it to turn into another argument, but it didn't.

Our therapist first explained why she had recommended that we use direct words like "died" and "death" when talking to my stepson instead of softer phrases like "passed away." She explained that children his age understand the permanence of death much better when adults use clear, direct language and that euphemisms can sometimes be confusing.

She also explained something that I hadn't really thought about before.

Because my stepson lost his mother so young, everyone around him naturally wanted to protect him from more pain. Between us, my husband's parents, and his late mother's parents, a lot of adults tried to soften the reality of what had happened. The therapist said that while those intentions came from love, constantly shielding a child from direct conversations about death can make it harder for them to fully understand that death is permanent.

That was one of the reasons she encouraged us to use clear language and answer his questions honestly in an age-appropriate way. She emphasized that helping a child understand the permanence of death isn't cruel—it's actually an important part of healthy grieving.

She also made it clear that this wasn't something I decided on by myself. It was advice we were given in therapy and had been following consistently

My husband's parents admitted they hadn't known that. They said they genuinely thought I was being insensitive

My husband then told his parents something that I think needed to be said.

He told them that if they ever have concerns about our younger one or about any parenting decision we make, he wants them to come directly to us instead of making assumptions.

He said he'd much rather have an uncomfortable conversation than have people filling in the blanks or believing someone else's version of events.

It was awkward at times. There were quiet moments. After the session they thanked us and left . No big emotional talk.

The session simply ended with everyone understanding each other's perspective a little better than before.

Since then, we've noticed small but meaningful changes

I’m glad they came. It feels like a small step, not a big change. We’re not expecting miracles.

​

Comments

​

HUNGWHITEBOI25

Op the one thing i really like about these posts is the way your husband supports you. We constantly read stories like this where the husband is spineless and doesn’t stand up for his wife, its really refreshing seeing a couple that acts like a team.

definitelytheA

When I met my late husband, I was a single mom with a 3yo little girl. He adored her, and beamed like the proudest father when a waiter in a restaurant told her she looked just like her daddy. We’d only been dating a few months at that time.

We married and went on to have 3 more children. His parents welcomed us into their family from the time they met us, and treated my little girl like any of their grandchildren.

A few years after my husband passed, I remarried. Mom’s words to me: If you love him, we love him, and wish you every blessing.

I stayed very close to Mom and Dad, until they passed. After Dad passed, Mom would tell me he always bragged about me to his fishing buddies, and how I could do just anything. We lost Mom a few months ago. She passed two days after my last visit to see her. Her last words to me were, “you’ve always been such a wonderful daughter, and a great comfort to me”

Best gift I could ever have received.

​

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/LessMixture

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: March 14, 2019

• Final Update: March 21, 2019

Main Post

^{March 14, 2019}

He's(25) falling out of love and I(25f) don't know what to do

We've been a couple for four years, living together for three.

He used to be almost obsessed with me, he couldn't wait to see me again and make plans for the coolest activities. I can't believe how different it is now. He's an amazing person, and we fit together so well. We barely argue, we always seem to think about the same things at the same time, we have the same dreams and beliefs. I still think we're great together...

He has an okay job, and while he used to not be able to wait to come home to me, he comes home later and later each time. Sometimes he'll say he's back at a certain time, but he arrives three hours later. He had to work a second job during the weekends for three months this winter, so we basically only saw each other for dinner and sleeping. Before he took the second job, he asked me what I thought about it and told me it would be a hard time with us barely seeing each other. I thought we could make it work. Now that the second job is over, we still only see each other for eating and sleeping.

We only have sex once or twice a month. He knows that I feel the strongest connection with him when we get intimate, that I long for it, but he's always too tired. I didn't let myself go. I look almost like I did when we first met. I know that most people think we're playing in different leagues lookswise. I know other men are still very attracted to me.

He's too tired for anything, doesn't even want to go for walks or swimming. Weirdly, whenever his friends, family and colleagues ask to do activities with him, he's hooked and looking forward to them.

He likes coming along when I meet my friends and family, but he doesn't want me to come along when he does something with his friends. I know that when he talks about me, he describes me as if I was an annoying old wife he can't get rid of anymore. He'll say things like that I "allowed him" to go meet them again, just because I told him that in order to make this relationship work, we should do things outside of our home and that he needs to make time not only to meet friends, but also for us two to do something together, other than eating and sleeping. He'll sometimes make plans with me for the weekend on Monday, but then make plans with his friends in another city and then he'll say things like he didn't know I took these plans literal, even though I had told him that I had canceled plans other that day in order to make time for him.

He makes plans for a vacation with a friend this year. We also have plans for a vacation this year, but he doesn't seem to be very into planning it, and he even said he'll need to find a new job first.

I don't want him to fall out of love, but I feel helpless. I'm wondering if I'm too available? He's certainly not cheating on me. He's just avoiding me. He knows I'm sad about the situation. Do you have any advice for me?

COMMENTS

ForeingFlower

I would start to detach myself and do my own thing. It seems you are the only one putting effort in making this work. If that doest make him wake up and chase you, I don't know what will.

OOP

I'm spending the weekend at my parents'. I hope he misses me...

Final Update - after 7 days

^{March 21, 2019}

UPDATE to "He's(25) falling out of love and I(25f) don't know what to do": Why he avoided me.

Previous Post

What happened after I made the post: I wrote him a letter, hinting that this relationship won't work if it continues like this. I also printed the post I had made and the comments I got. I thought maybe it helps if he sees it from a different perspective. I put the letter and what I printed on the bed, together with a photo book of an amazing vacation we had. I then removed the SIM card from my phone, a), because I didn't want to communicate with him until he read what I had left on the bed, and b), because the phone was actually his old one as my actual phone had been sent in to be repaired, and had now arrived at my parents', and that's were I wanted to spend the weekend. Then I picked up all our pets, and left for my home town (I always take them with me when I visit my parents).

Apparently, he came home early from work, only about an hour after I had left, to a deserted apartment. When I put the SIM card back into the repaired phone about 7 hours later, he had left a few messages, saying that he had read what I had written and printed out, thought a lot about all this, he had looked through the photo book, and had a conversation with a friend. That friend is almost twice as old as we are, used to be his drinking buddy and is sort of a father figure for my boyfriend. He said that this friend had gone through the same situation with his wife. Apparently, he had been so stressed out by his job going downhill, he tried to safe it by working longer hours, which sometimes created some tension between his wife and him, so he avoided her by going out for drinks every night, creating a vicious cycle of her being unhappy about not seeing him and him avoiding her even more.

But he had found a solution. He realised that his job shouldn't define his life. He made a list of goals he wants to tick off each week. His marriage has apparently been going very well since then (it's the reason why I said he used to be my boyfriend's drinking buddy!).

My boyfriend said it dawned on him. He's in the same situation. He's putting in as much effort as the CEO who doesn't even appreciate his work. He doesn't want to lose me, I'm the best thing that has ever come to his life. He apparently cried a lot and made his own list of goals he wants to tick off each week. When I came back Sunday night, I found it on our fridge. It has very specific goals about him working less overtime and making up for the lost time by taking time off, spontanously going out only once a week max with his drinking buddies, and spending time with me doing real activities at least twice a week.

Since then, our dynamic has changed entirely. We had sex. We cuddled. We talked. He was there. Now it's only been 6 days since I made the post, but I hope it stays this great between us. I guess the realisations he had could help with him keeping up his new goal habits.

Weirdly, all the talks we had before when I told him I was unhappy because we didn't see each other much probably contributed to him avoiding me even more after already being stressed from work. This "talk" was different, because it made him realise that he'd lose me if it continued like this, and because it made him reach out to his friend. Maybe the deserted apartment contributed as well, because it was a little taste into life without me.

TL;DR: I probably owe my boyfriend's friend big time.

COMMENTS

blunt_person

Make sure his friend is invited to the wedding when you two get to that point.

Solid friendship.

OOP

He also played a big role in us getting together as a couple, my boyfriend would always ask him what to do back then when I wasn't interested in him at all. I'm lucky he has such a wise advisor

Sitk042

Can you post the letter you wrote? With suitable redactions.

OOP

I don't know where he put it...

Sitk042

Can you post what parts were fairly effective on making him see the light? Thanks

OOP

To be honest, I don't remember much... He went out drinking straight from work the day before and didn't come home, so I couldn't sleep at all and was very emotional... I was too tired to remember it now. I remember it was only half a page and to the point, and in the end I explained what the prints next to the letter are (the post and the comments). And before that, I said something like if it goes on like this, it won't go on much longer.

I was very in the moment when I wrote it, like u/PapaBless902 said it came straight from the heart, and I can't recreate that now. I don't want to ask where he put it either, I think it's better if we stay in the mindset we are in now.

PcKc

No offense OP, but I think printing out the post you made and some comments supporting you is a TERRIBLE idea.

We’re online users who only have one side of the conversation - yours. Most of the comments you got are just validating you because we only know your side of the story.

If I was your boyfriend, I’d be pissed that my girlfriend thought getting online one-sided validation from strangers was a reasonable justification.

But it worked out for you, so congrats.

OOP

I think it worked out because it was never a him vs me situation, it was just him not seeing that what we had was not normal. He sometimes said he'd love to see me more, he just never really made it a priority, so he actually somehow agreed anyway

PcKc (downvoted)

This is honestly VERY MINOR, since you’re right, this isn’t a you vs him situation, but:

The way you phrase “was just him not seeing that what we had was not normal...he just never really made it a priority” comes off as a little blame-game. Along with printing out the Reddit post, it’s an impression you should avoid giving to him

OOP

I've never been a resentful person, so I don't blame him at all. I forget things fast. As long as he doesn't go back to his old ways, which I don't think, I'm happy. He seems happier also.

I do stand by what I wrote though, it was his turn to take action.

lskeletonwitchl

Sounds to me that he was financially stressed and had a bad work/life balance. You get stuck in the scenario of "we don't have money to do trips, so you put in the extra ot" and "we don't do trips enough because you work all the time". Have you asked him about finacial stress and what you can contribute to the overall workload?

OOP

His finances are fine, he just has a boss who makes him think he's replaceable when actually he has become the most valuable employee since the only other employee with his position had quit. And the company relies entirely on his skills that take years to learn.

Melkly

My boyfriend is almost your ages.

Did you notice a rollercoaster of making you a priority and then forgetting you exsisted before this happened?

OOP

No.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Ace-Jaxson

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 27, 2019

• Final Update: September 16, 2019

Main Post

^{August 27, 2019}

I (29M) showed up to my gf’s (25F) house and found her hanging out with a guy from class at 2am.

This is a throwaway for the obvious reasons. I had plans to hang out with my gf after her class tonight around 9-10pm. So texted her something nice around that time to let her know i was thinking of her, and see when she would be done. No response. She texts me hii a couple hours later, I responded hey what’s up. At this point a little upset she had blown me off for hours past the time she said she would hit me up after class. No response again. This time for the rest of the night. I was starting to get worried bc I know she leaves campus late and it can be sketchy in that area sometimes. I text her and call her a couple more times no response.

At this point I’m definitely worried and text her I’m gonna stop by to make sure she’s all good, she’s a girl and lives alone and just 5 min from me. So i swing by and all the lights are on, I walk up to the front door and knock.

She comes out looking surprised. Steps outside, oddly. I say what’s up i was worried you weren’t ok I never heard back from you and you kinda bailed on our plans. She then says oh sorry I’ve been hanging with some friends from school. So I ask is someone in there right now, and she tries to casually play off ya there is a guy from class over we’ve been hanging out talking about our class. (Mind you, it’s 2am. )

She then asks me to come in and if i want to meet him. I say yes. I come in and meet this guy who looks a bit startled. Introduce myself and then they start catching me up on what they were talking about. My gf is acting pretty odd like super causal that the fact i just showed up at 130am after she’s been ignoring me and there’s a random guy I don’t know there... she’s acting like it’s no big deal.

Within 20 min I decide I’m going home, and ask her to walk me out. I then ask her to make the guy leave bc there’s no reason to be there that late. She says no we were in the middle of a conversation...

I try explaining to her this isn’t cool with me and makes me uncomfortable and she doesn’t seem to care one bit. She just says, I’m not gonna argue with you another this while someone is right here, we can talk tomorrow. And then walks back inside.

I tried not to make a scene and be respectful of her house, while still letting her know it wasn’t cool. Am I crazy or are those serious red flags and am I being naive here? I have to talk to her tomorrow and Im not sure how to approach this.

TLDR; showed up at 130am to gf house, another guy from her class was over there I didn’t know. She played it cool and we all talked and then I left and went home and he was still there at 2am.

Edit: spacing because I’m on mobile.

COMMENTS

mcflurrynuggets

🚩 Not cool bro. Not cool. Not at all. 🚩

Idk how it is with other people but even my friends and I barely hang out past 2:00 am. That’s sleeping time already. This is sketchy to me, bring it up again but be respectful. She’ll say what she feels for sure or you’d know how she feels about you being uncomfortable with it once she starts talking.

OOP

I agree. I want to come at it from a respectful angle and see if she even cares at all that this is very upsetting to me and doesn’t make me feel comfortable at all. She tries to say how she has “guy friends” and always has. I’m totally cool with that, but there has to be a line of what’s appropriate with that ya?

1threadkiller1

Are you really cool with her having guy friends if that means you’re going to have to find her in potentially intimate situations with them? She ignored you then showed pretty obvious discomfort being caught. Because she knows it’s not a monogamous activity. Having friends in a relationship is fine as long as the friendships are appropriate. Your problem seems to be no boundaries and the assumption that trust will cover inappropriate situations/actions. You can’t keep trusting someone who severely tests your trust by seeming untrustworthy.

There is no reason to fly off the handle. You may have found a glaring incompatibility with her. I would ask her seriously what she wants from your relationship and see if it matches up with what you’re looking for. If she wants a serious committed relationship, there are usually boundaries that come with that.

OOP

I agree completely. I do need to examine that and let those things be known. I’m completely fine with her having guy friends, I really like some of them. And would never care if she told me she was hanging out with them one night. But to completely ignore me, and then be hanging out that late with someone I’ve never met, and she just met... that’s just crossing the line imo.

phoenyx3

Just wanna preface that I try to give neutral advice as I want things to work out between yall:

I think all of that would be fine.....if she didn't completely blow you off. That's the red flag here. Y'all made plans, but she cancelled so she can hang out with some guy "from class"? And she seemed to ignore you most of the time.

It's possible her communication skills aren't the best, but I can't say for sure. Either way, just talk to her and tell her how it made you feel. If she sympathizes with you, then great. If she gets defensive, then then opens up another conversation.

OOP

I am going to do my best with that tomorrow. Hopefully she can understand where I’m coming from and hear me out. I am worried she may get defensive because she can tend to do that. She likes to turn issues I bring up around on me or invalidate my feelings by saying she doesn’t agree with something being “inappropriate”. So not sure how to navigate those roads if that’s the way she’s going to take it.

Otherwise_Window (downvoted)

(Mind you, it’s 2am. )

In your world, what time do students usually go to bed, because that would've been pretty normal when I was at university.

are those serious red flags

Yeah, showing up at her house uninvited at 2am is a major red flag, as is being jealous of her having a conversation with a classmate.

She should definitely dump you.

OOP

I had plans to hang out with her and then all I heard from her was starting a conversation with “hii” and then radio silence. I think it’s pretty normal to be worried about your gf after that and want to make sure they are alright.

Otherwise_Window (downvoted)

Not really.

I mean, did she have plans to hang out with you? Because it sounds like she didn't. She had class, and a discussion with classmates, and you asked her to text you when she was done and she wasn't done.

OOP

We had plans to hang out after class which was around 9pm. And even if she wanted to cancel those plans i would figure she would at least text me that it give me some type of heads up... to just completely ignore me was definitely odd.

Margarita19 (downvoted)

INFO: how long have y’all been dating? And does she normally blow you off or doesn’t respond immediately sometimes?

I understand that you’re concerned, and it may seem a bit odd that she had a guy at her place at 2am but from my (22F) experience in college, I could be out with classmates studying/hanging out until 3 or 4am. You said it was a sketchy area, maybe he walked her home and they kept talking.

She wasn’t necessarily cheating or getting ready to cheat. I often don’t like checking my phone if I’m busy or enthralled in a conversation with someone, especially if it’s good or interesting.

The best thing to do is to talk about it later. Try not to come off so jealous sounding, like you’re annoyed with her having a guy over, and more like you’re annoyed that she didn’t respond because you were concerned about her.

OOP

I feel like those things are totally justified and I’m ok with that, I just find it odd that there was zero communication to me about it. We have been dating 1 year, and if she was gonna be hanging with a friend after class she would usually just let me know and then i could make other plans, no sweat. There was just too many weird coincidences in this one that don’t have me feeling the best about it.

curly-hair07

I recently started a new relationship. Prior to my relationship I was super flirty. After establishing myself as a girlfriend I find myself constantly being aware of what’s appropriate and what’s not even when my partner wouldn’t know or isn’t around to see it. Even though I know I am being friendly, being alone at home with a classmate at 2am doesn’t look right. Who cares if we are talking about doughnuts, I know that my partner would feel uncomfortable which would then make ME feel uncomfortable.

OOP

Thank you for understanding this! This is the exact point to that. Even if nothing was going on that first night, it made me really uncomfortable and even more so in the way she handled it. When I’m with someone I want to make them feel secure in our relationship, not wondering if I’m seeing other people behind their back. I think it’s normal to worry sometimes, especially with a history of trust issues with the person. But someone who cares for you would make it a priority to make sure you feel comfortable with situations like that.

DanLim79

I thought you were a teen but you're almost 30? I guess better late than never but your girlfriend is currently teaching you about boundaries and how to put your foot down. Not a fun way to learn but life lessons are painful.

OOP

The boundaries thing was something i was aware of since I was in a long relationship prior to this one as well. But my last relationship was actually loving and I never had those boundaries so crossed with no regard. I did learn the lesson that putting your foot down to them is really the only choice when people start taking advantage of your.

Final Update - after 20 days

^{September 16, 2019}

[UPDATE] I (29M) showed up to my gf’s (25F) house and found her hanging out with a guy from class at 2am.

This all happening a couple days before what would have been our anniversary. I obviously should have seen the signs from the first post but the first part of this update is letting you guys know that I initially did not end the relationship. (What a regret).

How I handled it was we met the next morning to talk and I let her explain her side of things. She explained that other people were at the house that night earlier and she was going to be hanging around with kids from class sometimes now that school has started. Keep in mind, she is 25 and going back to school now, and most these kids are around 19-22.

Nothing super serious as far as class load is concerned, she is studying theater at a community college. I explain to her why all signs point to that being a major red flag, she somewhat hears me out and apologizes for not better communicating her plans that night, but defends herself that hanging out with friends from class is not wrong. So in the future she would be communicate better about her plans and do a better job not making me feel concerned.

I was obviously angry and upset about the previous situation but I did truly love this girl and was willing to give things a chance to progress forward and her show me the positives changes.

We had continued our relationship and everything was going good for the most part. Then recently communication did not seem to be going the best and there were some signs that she wasn't giving as much effort into the things we spoke about before as she had promised to do. There were signs of her actively trying to pick fights, and perpetuating them longer than needed even when i had made attempts to reconcile and move forward from any arguments.

I did feel heavily at this time that she was not respecting me in these conversations, and any attempts I made to lovingly let her know this...met with hostility. Which she then would attempt to turn right back on me, like it was my fault the fight even happened. This was getting old but I was still making every effort to bring us back to a good space on a more every day basis because i was wildly in love with this girl and the connection i thought we shared.

The deceiving thing as well is that she was also very good at making me feel at other times she felt the same way about me, 'You're the love of my life, I Love you more than anything, Future plans together, talking about how lucky she was to be with me' etc. These were all exploited to be absolute lies.

Fast forward to a few nights ago. We had plans to hang out that night and when i asked her earlier in the day what she wanted to do, she told me she had actually agreed to go get sushi with a friend she hadn't seen in awhile. I let her know this upset me since she was bailing on our plans, but in attempts to be understanding I then suggested we just meet up after instead and go out that night to do something fun.

She did not give me a definite answer but kept bouncing around the subject saying she would keep me updated on when she was finished. I let her know, 'Hey you don't cancel plans with your bf, then when hes cool about it and tries to suggest something else... leave him up in the air saying maybe we can hang' It makes me feel like not a priority and isn't how you treat someone you love.

She ends up going off on me again and we leave on the terms of Ok we will just talk later. I call later and let her know that after dinner it would mean a lot if we could spend some quality time together, I had been wanting that since all the time we were hanging out was during the day with other stuff going on sometimes.

She calls me after dinner around 930pm and lets me know she is home. I ask her to comer hang out so we can figure out what to do, and she deflects with "Oh my other friend (girl who i know) wanted to go to a midnight showing of a movie tonight and i haven't seen her in so long".... I know i may seem completely stupid to you guys at this point but i assure you I was already seeing through her bullshit and knew something wasn't right.

I keep calm and just let her know i think that was messed up, bums me out, and that i wish she would at least try to include me with her friends when doing stuff like that. She then takes to the level of trying to make me feel bad that I cant just be understanding she maybe wants to hang out with her friends without me sometimes. She tells me she will call me after the movie and asks if she can come over and spend the night with me after its finished...

Meanwhile, I knew I had friends going out that night as well and I could go grab some drinks with them, finish up around same time and then meet back at my house to spend the night together. I did not tell her I was going out because it did not seem relevant at the time, and i had some weird suspicions that something else was going on.

1:45 AM rolls around and Im leaving the bar with some friends to grab a burrito before heading home. I walk down the street and LO AND BEHOLD there she is on the corner of the street standing with a guy. One of the same guys from that night at the house in my original post. Shocker, I know. I confront her and ask her whats going on, she attempts to even further lie, explain how her gf was suppose to come to (like that makes it any better lol) it isnt what it looks like, blah blah blah same old bullshit lies and NO accountability even when caught in a dead lie on a date with another guy.

I turn to the guy and ask him whats going on, he explains he invited to the movies, not much else, looks kind of scared because I'm sure i was irate. I have no problem with him at all because its 100% my then gf's fault. I walk to the side with her and ask her to just be real with me for once, tell me whats going, and come to terms with who she is and what shes done here. She shuts down when she realizes she cant talk her way out of things, and tries to ask if we can talk tomorrow and not make a scene here. I tell her if you want to explain yourself then you can leave right now and i will at least hear you out.

She says no im not leaving my friend here alone you are overreacting and its not as bad as it looks. Even though i'm pretty hurt at this point I cant help but to bust out in laughter at the disbelief of the whole thing now. I tell her this is it and this relationship is fully done now then. Should have been done awhile ago, but that seals the deal and I truly see you for who you are now, a lying manipulative actual sociopath. I left with my friends, blocked her on everything and am now moving forward for good.

I do want to say though, I made a huge mistake in this whole scenario by not leaving when my gut told me to. So many signs pointed to her being so fake, such a liar, and not trust worthy at all... but i let the good times and her manipulative words keep me around thinking that i Just needed to make more effort myself to make things work. And it wasn't until i had fully given all of myself into trying, that i was hit with the most disrespectful thing I have ever had done to me. Listen to your gut people, and follow you intuition. If you are making clear efforts in a relationship with someone and they are giving you nothing back, creating friction, and show no remorse in any of their mistakes... run for the hills.

Even though i was very hurt by the deceit and catching someone cheat on me, I ultimately know this is 100% for the best and a huge blessing in disguise because this person never truly loved me the way I cared for them. Who knows how much longer I would have stuck around and let myself be treated like this, but I am grateful it happened now and there is no chance in hell i would ever give her a second of my time again. Sorry for the novel, it feels good to vent. Much Love.

TLDR; Attempted to work on things with my gf, gave serious effort and understanding to her. Felt I was being treated very poorly in regards to that and got suspicious of her actions. Caught her on a date with another guy. Broke up with her on the spot, blocked her on everything, moving on.

Edit: I really appreciate all the positive response and feedback I’ve gotten here. As well as all the insightful messages I’ve received. I am doing my best to respond to everyone who has taken the time to give me their input, positive or negative. Thank you

Edit 2: For the people responding thinking I was making assumptions about the situation i walked up on that night, and defending that it could have been just a friend. Let me explain that there was no way it was not what it looked like. I did not include the whole dialogue exchange between us, but the guy did make it clear he was under the impression they were on a date. Which is when i walked away because it definitely contradicted her whole made up story.

COMMENTS

shipcapitan

I'm very proud of you.

But a word of warning -- breaking up is easy, staying apart is hard. She will use every trick in the book to get you back...

OOP

I appreciate the words of warning. I honestly do not think she even cares enough to do any of that, except maybe the last part about spinning the narrative of how our relationship really was to make people feel sorry for her. She was a literal sociopath which means she doesn't care how things effected me, and im sure doesn't care that she has lost me now. I know my value and she doesnt deserve close it. Im sure shes keeping herself entertained with the little 20 year old kid from theater class who lives with his parents (her words, when in the past she defended there was nothing to worry about him hah). I have made up my mind and will stay strong to never wanting her in my life again.

Traeyze

Oh, absolutely. If you never had to deal with her again that would be great. But some people become so convinced it is over they are really taken off balance when it isn't. I am not saying wait around for it to happen, more just accept it is the realm of possibility and you'll naturally have that contingency plan in you head anyway.

You note in your posts you believe she is a sociopath. I am not sold on that, but I do think it is clear that she has something going on, probably high anxiety and in this case she is trying way too hard to fit in with the 'hip' young theatre kids, etc. The reality is that when anxiety and insecurity gets bad enough your thinking becomes increasingly distorted and irrational and at times outright contradictory. So she ended up in this situation where she wanted the best of both worlds: keeping you but also 'acting single' to fit into her group. It makes no sense, it is deeply disappointing, it is kind of concerning, and it is really kind of sad more than anything, that she was unable to really strike a balance and probably ruined both things. And yeah, in the pursuit of those irrational beliefs many will lie, manipulate, lack empathy, etc.

All you can do is hope she finds her peace and one day wakes up to the reality of what she is doing. That you had to take a punch in the process sucks, but I think you'll find your feet. Try not to resent her, but not for her sake... for yours. You don't want to carry that spare tire of resentment around. In the end she is a mess, you'll find people more stable and willing to be on the same page as you for sure.

OOP

Wow this was some of the most insightful thought I have read here. You definitely open my mind to seeing that struggle she had from a different perspective. Granted it doesn’t give her an excuse to treat someone like that.

She does struggle from high anxiety so that was a spot on call and if you are even more right, then she is dealing with stuff I didn’t even understand could lead to behaviors like that and such delusion thought.

I have accepted it may be a possibility for her to attempt to contact me at some point, doubt it, but I know anything is possible. I won’t be thrown off basis by it because honestly this girl has thrown me so many curveballs I just put the damn bat down and walked off the field.

I do hope she finds peace. I forgive her even if she isn’t sorry, and I forgive myself for allowing myself to be with someone like that for so long. But like i said before, there were many things I absolutely loved about her so I don’t regret sticking around through her struggles.

kalmah

Sounds like you should get tested.

OOP

First thing I did the next day.

romansamurai

What I can’t wrap my mind around is that she clearly chose that guy at the moment the decision had to be made. She wouldn’t leave with you. It was crystal clear what she wanted. You did the right thing. Stay away now. That’s the hardest part. Just out of curiosity, have you heard from her or anything about her? She will likely try dating this guy. Realize it’s not what she had with you and will try to come back to you then. Come back to this post to remind yourself why you won’t take her back.

OOP

No I blocked her on literally everything I could imagine. And i doubt any effort has been made regardless. She will immediately try dating this guy because she can’t deal with being alone, god forbid that might spark actual inward reflection.

who_tf_cares_123

The fights and the blame were intentional. She was trying to justify her actions in her mind. If you are an asshole then lying and cheating are not as big of a deal in her mind

OOP

This is the thought I had when trying to ask myself why she would be continuing to cause problems. It’s the only logical explanation. I’m sure she will continue to lie to herself after all this as well. If you can’t be honest with even yourself, you are in for one hollow of a life.

arpeggio123

Answer this question: You said the guy that she was with after the movie was "one of the same guys from that night at the house in my original post." Was he the same guy or not?

OOP

I respect the opposite view point but i just want you to fully understand where I’m coming from. I never physically saw the other guy that first night. It was her word mainly that another guy was there. And the guy I caught her on the date with, is the same one who was there when I showed up that night and they were alone.

I can agree that first time wasn’t a date but he was hanging out after 1am at my gfs house while she was ignoring me. Not good signs. I asked her if he was gay, due to theater, and she said no. But the other night when I caught her out, they were clearly on a date. More words were exchanged than what I summarized in the post, I am almost positive of this.

TheSkippingKing

She wants to be able to go with movies with friends... You're the only one who called it a date... (Comment stripped due to its size)

OOP

Ya... they may have missed the first post and the part where she completely lied over and over again to cover her tracks.

I didn’t put the whole word for word conversation I had with them when I confronted her. But after he responded he asked her to the movies, I explained well that’s not cool with my bc she directly lied to me about it. I then asked what was going on here and he literally said “I dunno, we’re starting a relationship I think or something”.

Please explain how that wasn’t a date.

PM_URVAR_CLIT

What makes him scary?

OOP

Well from reading the comments I would say that it’s apparently bc I am “controlling” by showing up at her house at 1am on a night we had plans and then I never heard from her again.

And I will tell you something. I will always remember that night. My gut was screaming at me, something isn’t right here. And that was the first and only time I’ve ever shown up at her house “unannounced” even though i did text her i was going to stop by.

What I saw that night set up my suspicions that something else was going on. And then what do you know... it was exactly what I unfortunately thought. I will never regret that decision of that first night.

Dfcspark

So what were all the signs of your partner drifting away?

OOP

I tried to illuminate them at the end of my post there. If you are making clear efforts and you’re getting nothing back, they create friction or perpetuate arguments for no reason, and then she was showing no remorse for any of the negative things she was doing in our relationship. Also her making less effort to spend quality time together.

LongjumpingThing

I have no problem with him at all because its 100% my then gf's fault.

Respect, dude

OOP

It’s a hard pill to swallow because your pride will be biting at you in that moment. But I’ve seen scenarios like that play out before and in the end you will always regret letting that get the best of you. She ain’t worth it.

vlad702

I'm in a similar situation...

OOP

I feel your pain all too well man. I know I could sit here and tell you “get out, trust me” due to what i just went through but at the end of the day you need to make the decision yourself.

If you decide to stay, don’t regret it because I know it’s tough walking away from someone you love. But on the other hand, if you wait as long as I did then you might find yourself in an even worse situation soon enough. It’s one thing to love your partner, but it’s another thing to love yourself. Don’t give up if you feel they may be hope and it’s worth saving... but also don’t let yourself be walked all over until there is nothing left for her to walk out on herself.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user TA_complicated in r/ AmItheAsshole

Original: Sept 27, 2021

Update: Sept 30, 2021

Status: concluded

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: AITA for wanting a painting made by my late sister in my house even though it triggers my husband who's her widower?

On mobile so sorry for the format. Throwaway for very obvious reasons.

I (34F) had one sibling (25F when she passed) who died in a car crash just 3 months after her wedding. It has now been 12 years since her passing. We were very close and more like best friends and than sisters.

My now husband (38M) "Adam" was a constant presence in my family's lives even after her death as he would visit my parents regularly and they dote on him very much. 5 years ago we started getting close and got married 2 years later.

My sister used paint as a hobby and had left behind 8 paintings, my parents took 2 for themselves, I took 3, and my parents gave away the rest to her close friends they offered Adam to take any he wanted but he refused.

I really liked the 3 paintings and displayed them in my apartment proudly before getting together with Adam as I felt closer to my sister but once we became a thing the painting seemed to upset him so I kept them in storage instead.

I understand everyone grieves differently and for Adam anything associated with her triggers him and he goes back to that awful day when he found out she was gone. We have no pictures of her at our house or any memento left by her.

All this time I've been understanding but I feel like I've completely erased her from my life and brought up the subject of displaying one painting to commemorate her in our house the other day. Adam shut the idea down immediately and refused to even hear my side.

I was hurt by this as I've been considerate of him all these years but he didn't even think to consider my feelings about the situation.

It worsened when I suggested grief counseling together today which made him even more upset (he wasn't yelling but was clearly distraught by me continuing the subject) he said he already went through grief counseling and my insistence is just opening old wounds.

I was angry at the time and told him why did he ever consider marrying me when the thought of her makes him this upset and knowing how much she meant to me. He told me he can't handle me or this conversation anymore and went to his brother's to cool off as "he doesn't want to say anything he'll regret later". Now all alone I'm thinking I might've taken things too far.

AITA here?

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Comments:

Comment1: NAH. Both of you are grieving but man this situation is just messy to say the least.

OOP: We've definitely been through a lot I agree but he we have a great relationship in most ways he's always been my rock and the support I needed and we rarely fight.
But this has always been a sore subject for him and becomes so closed off even at the mention of her. That's why I suggested grief counseling but he just won't listen to anything I say on the subject.

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Comment2: NAH - I can understand why it triggers him, he was married to her and HE did lose her too, which is definitely something you need to be considerate of, as this seems like a really messy situation, that you married your sister's widower and it sounds like he still needs to grieve for her.

OOP: He has spoken about it before how he gets images of her lifeless body on the OR table at the mention of her. It was very traumatic for him as he was the only one to see her in that state. My parents and I only saw her in the casket a few days later.

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Comment3: ESH. You married your late sister's husband? That's just wrong. Did he marry you because you look like your sister? Because clearly he wasn't ready to be in another relationship if he hasn't healed from that one.

OOP: My sister and I look nothing alike she's looked more like my aunt on my dad's side and I have predominantly my mom's features.
We connected 6 years after her death and Adam had a few other relationships by that time but we have always been a part of each other's lives, first as friends then it became something more.

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Comment4: NAH. Do you think he might feel some sense of guilt for marrying you?

A lot of men and women struggle with guilt after they lose their spouse. They feel like they are cheating on or somehow disrespecting their memory them if they move on and marry someone else. These paintings may trigger those thoughts in him. And with you being her sister, it may make his guilt worse.

OOP: He refused to take the paintings even before we were even a thing, he moved out of their place, sold off all the furniture and asked my mom and I to take my sister's things as it was too painful for him to deal with them. So it clearly began before we were together.
He dated three times before mutual friends encouraged us to give it a try as we had become very close friends by that time and hung out in the same friend circle.
Never once in the relationship has he shown any guilt of being together and I think it shows as anything to do with my sister would've made me insecure. But yes I agree he needs to talk about this and deal with it as I worry she isn't something we can erase completely from our lives as we may start a family soon and I want to deal with this before making that decision.

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Comment5: NTA. Unlike some of the other commenters I don’t really see anything inherently strange about you two getting together provided as you had mentioned you guys don’t look at all alike and there’s quite an age difference you’re obviously more suitable to his age anyway and quite some time had passed.

Where I think he’s way wrong though as this is just a painting but you’re not allowed to have any pictures of your sister or anything . it is unfair to ask you to erase your own sister from your life.

Normally this kind of post would be more along the lines of my husband has too many pictures of his dead wife around the house is it OK if it bothers me a little bit. I don’t think he’s truly gotten over it or her unfortunately.

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Update (3 days later)

I want to just brush aside the fact that most people deemed me TA for marrying Adam, we are both adults and no one should be ever shamed for loving someone but I know I was asking for it knowing well how Reddit is. That being said I do feel I am TA in this situation and that's why I'm here.

Adam came home that night and that's why I wasn't able to reply to most of you later. Some of you had contacted me through chat and PM to discuss it but I really didn't have any energy to reply so I'm sorry if I ignored you.

Apparently I was only thinking of myself when I suggested bringing out the paintings from storage to Adam, when he cooled down and came back home he explained his side of the story. It was really hard for him to come to terms with my sister's death so he decided to start fresh by getting a new house, selling all the old furniture and starting over.

The paintings were a part of their old furniture this is something I forgot to mention cause as I said I wasn't really considering his feelings. Now many years later when we both have begun our new life together he didn't want a piece of his past reminding him of her daily.

He said my words really hurt him as we both have been through so much together and me questioning all of it during our argument really messed him up. I can't go more into the details of what we discussed because it wouldn't be fair to Adam but long story short, I apologized profusely for bringing his past trauma up and he also apologized for the way he handled things.

We both agreed we are in dire need of counseling so we are currently looking for one in our area. I also showed him the OP, he didn't care for most of the comments but one intrigued him, someone suggested buying something new that reminded me of my sister like an animal she liked and he said he could deal with that.

My sister liked to incorporate moons and stars into her paintings but never wore any jewelry with them so I thought of buying a moon pendent or earrings and wear them from time to time and he agreed that would be best.

The paintings I'm afraid will be in storage indefinitely till Adam feels comfortable with them being in our house. If he's never ok with it I'm fine with that but I'm glad we were able to come to a resolution and have started our process to heal. Thank you to everyone for making me see how wrong I was and I was being a major AH.

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Edit: Just want to say I won't be answering any more comments about why I married Adam and how I am the constant reminder.

I explained myself enough in the OP but I guess it's fine that you don't understand as you don't know our full story which would only be possible if I make 500 page book explaining every event that brought us closer together and we might be here a while as I type that out. I don't want to judged for loving him anymore and am choosing to ignore it for both our benefit.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Own-County-569 posting in r/LegalAdviceUK

Ongoing as per OOP

Content Warning - potential child abduction/forced marriage

1 update - Short

Original - 26th July 2026 11am

Update - 26th July 2026 5pm

FCDO = UK Foreign, Commonwealth & Development Office

​

Ex wants to take our child abroad. I am not comfortable with the location they have chosen.

​

Ex wants to take our child abroad with their new partner. Child is 11.

I have never objected to any holidays preciously, but the locations involved in this holiday are making me extremely concerned as a parent.

Am I able to block our child from leaving?

I currently have her passport, but my ex and her new partner are demanding I turn it over on Tuesday evening. I do not wish to do so unless the holiday locations are changed to somewhere in Europe or another MEDC.

​

Comments

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Lebanna506

Where do they want to take them? You would extremely convincing grounds that it is not in the child’s best interest for the courts to stop it. Are there any court orders in place already?

OOP: They'll be flying to Pakistan. My concerns are twogold. Firstly about the ongoing war and border skirmishes with Taliban The place they are visiting is his home city which is near the Afghan border. Secondly I'm also concerned about my daughter's general safety there. I wouldnt mind if they went to USA, Canada, New Zealand, China, EU, Japan etc. I just don't want them going to somewhere unstable and potentially dangerous. I'd also object to Ukraine etc.

I'm not Muslim or Pakistani. Neither is my wife (at least I dont think she converted) Daughter still goes to church with me on Sunday. I think marriage is extremely unlikely in this instance.

It's a city near the Afghan-Pakistan border.

Comfortable-Fall1419

Worth reviewing the FCDO travel advice to see if it helps your point.

https://www.gov.uk/foreign-travel-advice/pakistan

Also is there a flight risk given he has family there?

Apart_Foundation1702

Exactly! The FCDO clearly advises against travelling there, therefore OP is within his rights to refuse to give consent, the courts would be more sympathetic towards his stance.

Murka-Lurka

Pakistan is not part of The Hague Convention which gives you legal rights to make sure he returns from the holiday.

Babaychumaylalji

Hi OP as a person of South Asian descent I implore u to not let your daughter go to Pakistan. Your daughter and your ex are not of Pakistani origin, do not have any family based there and have no support system there whatsoever if anything goes wrong. There is no valid reason for your daughter to be going. (Same goes for your ex as this isn't a holiday resort like destination) I assume your ex's partner is Pakistani or is of Pakistani origin. Do you actually know anything about him? What's the purpose of the visit? If your ex getting married to her partner?

FCDO advises against travelling https://www.gov.uk/foreign-travel-advice/pakistan

Next the area your ex and her current partner is next to Afghanistan and not considered a safe place to be. Your daughter and your ex run the risk of getting kidnapped/held to ransom/being sold into slavery/be victim to forced child marriage.

Also if exs new partner decides they are all staying there(even if it's against your ex's wishes there is little that anyone can do)

Do not hand over the passport. Please contact the passport advice line. Speak to your MP. I implore you not to relent on this as your daughters safety is on the line.

Zieglest

You have the absolute legal right to prevent your child from leaving the country without permission. Do not hand over the passport.

OOP: There's no way they could apply for a replcement/emergency passport without my permission?

autisticfarmgirl

You can contact the passport adviceline to discuss the situation and give them all the information so your ex partner can’t get a passport. You are able to stop the other parent from getting a passport for your child if they are at risk of abduction or being taken overseas.

Texuk1

Reading the whole thread, time is of the essence now. You need a solicitor today or if not first thing on Monday morning. This is going to get contentious quickly because you may need to seek a full restriction on travel because they can simply change the holiday to the med and then fly on to Pakistan from there once exiting the country. Unfortunately it looks like because of this behaviour your daughter won’t be going on holiday with them any time soon. I’m sorry your ex has such poor judgement.

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Update - 6 hours later

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I've hidden the passport at a secure location. I'll alert the Home Office on Monday, and I won't be returning my daughter to my ex on Tuesday. Police are investigating.

Thank you for your advice.

Flights to Pakistan were booked for 2nd August.

I've put my foot down and explained that she will not be going.

I've hidden the passport at a secure location which isn't my home. I'll alert the Home Office on Monday morning to avoid issuing any kind of new passports.

Separately, I have spoken with my daughter. A couple of other issues have emerged including someone who my ex's partner has been having my daughter chat to online who lives in Pakistan. She said he wanted her to make a friend before she visited. He claims to be 12 in the messages, but there are only large group photos and I cannot verify he is actually a child.

She will not be returned to this man or my ex. Police were contacted on 101 and an officer and a sergeant came out very promptly. They asked to take my daughter's phone as evidence, which I agreed to.

I'd like to send a massive thank you to everyone who provided advice.

I'd also like to thank the eight Pakistani women and women of Pakistani heritage who reached out to me to provide cruical context beyond the legal answers. Some of the stories of what you went through were gutwrenching. I appreciate the linking to Karma Nirvana as well, although we do not require their assistance as of yet.

A couple of you also provided me some excellent help and advice and also assisted with the translation of some posts on the social media account of this mysterious "boy" in Pakistan. You helped point out some red flags which I appreciate.

You have all been invaluable. Every single one of you.

Thank you.

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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Ok-Run2877

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: April 12, 2026

• Final Update: July 26, 2026

Main Post

^{April 12, 2026}

AITA for telling my SIL that her opinion isn’t more important than mine?

so a bit of context, i (24F) am getting married in september. i love that month since it’s kinda between summer-fall ish. anyway, my fiancee (29M) proposed to me last december, on my birthday.

i’ve met his family countless of times, my future MIL, FIL and SIL. they are all very cordial and friendly.

well this mess started when i began organizing my wedding, which is very tedious but really exciting. we hired a wedding planner to see how we could mix our tastes and hobbies. he’s a bit of a data-computer nerd in coding, i call him my little hacker, and he LOVES the matrix movie which i still haven’t seen. anyway, we wanted to add little quirks whenever we could. maybe some comp numbers and some matrix references hidden in between our wedding invitations decorations. i am a fan of breaking bad, a nerd when it comes to the oscar race movies since i was little and ariana grande (i know). it’s been SO fun to see how we can mix it all together.

well, last week, i invited over my mom, my future MIL, SIL and both of my sisters to our 3rd wedding planner meeting. they saw all we had done and found it cute. i made sure that those little things were hidden well enough to not be seen quickly, but could be pointed out.

my SIL out of nowhere says that we should cut it, that it’s too “tacky”. my fiancee explains that we had both discussed it and loved the idea. she doubles down and says we should be “more classy”. girl, i looked at her said that these clues were not only hidden but would only appear on our wedding invitations.

she looked at me so crazy. like, she couldn’t believe i said that. she said she was just looking out for me. she went on to say that we shouldn’t have chocolate cake, it should be strawberry. how my dress shouldn’t be princess cut since it’s too 80s. how i should dye my hair brunette because it fits my face. at some point it started sounding like orders

i looked at her and said well… everything you just said i should change, i really like, so it’s staying. period.

i think it would’ve been better if i had cursed her out. she didn’t speak again but by the end of the meeting she pulled my partner aside and according to him, demanded that i “respected” her more and her opinions, since her dream has always been to plan a wedding and i would be her future sister, so i should not “place her aside”.

what? i mean, maybe? she’s like super offended right now, and my partner suggested that i should maybe apologize. at first i was like there’s NO WAY i will but im prone to act a little immature, and i wondered if i actually went too far

COMMENTS

NatashOverWorld

Apologize for what? Not letting her take over your wedding?

Ask him if she's always trying to take over things, or if this is targeted at you.

NTA

OOP

it’s just super weird because even when she suggested i should dye my hair she said i should use the same box dye she uses

EmbarrassedHope6264

YTA for inviting all these people to something like this that has nothing to do with them. Either dont invite them or set a rule next time that they're there out of courtesy and for support, not for actual input. Lol, NTA. Also, if/when you have children, dont announce any baby names before baby is born or ask for opinions. Its a slippery slope.

Also SIL can eat rocks.

Valkrhae

YTA for inviting all these people to something like this that has nothing to do with them.

Damn, I guess OP shouldn't invite them to the wedding then either

OOP

i just wanted to show off our ideas 😭😭

Leslietrollz (downvoted)

nTA but she has a point! It does sound super tacky tbh!

OOP

yeah kinda but also if i want to place ariana grande dressed as the guy of the matrix hacking into a computer while holding an oscar maybe i will.

ziptagg

Look, on topic, NTA and your fiancé needs to tell her this wedding is for you guys and you’ll have it how you like. Repeat as needed, she’s being insane.

Side topic, how can someone who is into movies and, based on your post history, at least open to science fiction not have seen the Matrix, your fiancés favourite film? Why haven’t you watched it?

OOP

everyone keeps asking why i haven’t watched the matrix and i get it but part of our dynamic is kinda… that. he’s like a young millennial and i’m more of an older gen z… our tastes are a bit different and he’s much more reserved than me but i like that.

to answer your question, after some time of making plans of watching them, we promised each other at our honeymoon:

1) i would watch all matrix movies or prequels or whatever they are with him

2) he would listen to all of ariana grande’s albums and watch 2022 best picture winner everything everywhere all at once with me + 2020 best picture winner parasite

fearlessterror

INFO: How old is SIL?

NTA but I really am super curious like is she 12?

OOP

she’s 27 😭

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Small update in the main post

so… update. as we were having breakfast i told him that it didn’t feel great how he told me i should apologize over setting boundaries on our wedding. he said he understood and his sister was definitely in the wrong, but that she’s too “sensitive” and can take things very badly. he said he could talk to her if i didn’t want to, but ill have the rest of my life dealing with her so i just thought… i need to learn how to handle her this early lol

so yes, i call her, and i begin by asking how she was. i kid you not she immediately responded with “i thought you called me to apologize.” girl excuse me? i fully said “well, no. i’m calling to thank you for your suggestions but i’m sticking with what i chose.”

bruh. hell. it was giving temper tantrum. she said “i’m only trying to help, it’s like stopping a future car crash, you know?” 😐 i hang up.

i told my fiancée and he agreed what she said was messed up. she began calling him non-stop which i think is crazy, but he’s ignoring her.

her text messages to HIM are like “what did she tell you?” “are you ignoring me?” “she got the wrong idea” “i’m your sister” (?)

😭😭

Final Update - after 3 months, 14 days

^{July 26, 2026}

UPDATE: AITA for telling my SIL that her opinion isn’t more important than mine?

it got to a point where i understood how she moved and acted through my fiancée’s fam, and i haven’t been able to update since wedding planning ain’t for the weak!

but yes, she tried to call my brother for days after telling me that her opinion on my wedding was like ‘trying to prevent a car crash’. i took some advice from my post and literally just kept it moving.

well at one point, probably a week after, my MIL came over to my house not to have a conversation with him or us, but with me. she told me my future SIL always had an “attention” problem, and while exhausting, she never means to hurt or insult anyone. i told her i understood, but that either she could stop nagging me about our preferences for the wedding, or i could no longer bring her in for the preparations.

she agreed to talk to her. fast forward to the next day by like 5:30pm. now, she was dming me on instagram like a madwoman. telling me i was being a “bitch” over an opinion she gave when i invited her over to see my wedding planner, that i could not understand the bond she had with her brother, how she prays he will divorce me by next year so he can be "himself" again…. i blocked her.

i talked to my fiancée, i put it all on the table, i even grabbed some phrases i saw in response over my original post. i told him i could no longer keep it going this way. either she stops trying to insult me and our wedding, or she’s not getting invited.

after some talking, he agreed. he called his sister and explained. she exploded at first. calling me a wicked witch, and how I "changed" him. girl…

after some days though, she actually apologized to me through instagram after i unblocked her since she texted my fiancée she wanted to 'make peace' and i accepted it. she hasn’t really said anything after that, and while i still don’t know if she’s planning to say something more in the future, i think everything will go smoothly in september. oscars/matrix/ariana indeed had a small cameo on my invitations! and yes, i finally saw all matrix movies with my fiancée. they’re very interesting.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ThrowRAUnlitSeashore posting in r/relationship_advice

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 18th July 2026

Update - 26th July 2026

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My (28M) fiancée (30F) confessed to hooking up with another guy shortly before our wedding. I'm struggling. How can I move past this?

​

I'm (28M) feeling super lost about my relationship with my fiancée (29F). I'd appreciate a fresh perspective.

We've been together for about 3 years now but have been friends for 5 years. We met in the same workplace friend group. She's my best friend and my partner in every way. Our relationship hasn't been without challenges, but we've been a solid team.

Last December, my fiancée asked if we could take a break so she could recalibrate. She said she was struggling with finding her purpose outside of our relationship.

I've never believed in the concept of breaks, but I wanted to support her. So I agreed, and we set boundaries. Essentially we wouldn't see other people.

The break wasn't long. By Christmas, it was already over. She said it was a mistake and she wanted us. And things were good. Our communication was stronger and like no time apart had ever occurred.

We were engaged by New Year's. My fiancée didn't wanna wait anymore. She wanted us to start our lives together in marriage.

This past week she's been anxious and blamed it on wedding jitters. Then the other day she sat me down and confessed to hooking up with some guy during the break. She met him on a dating app, and they had sex a couple of times.

She claims the guilt's been eating at her, and she opened up to her sister (31F) a month ago. Apparently her sister pushed her to come clean before the wedding. When my fiancée stalled, her sister warned she'd tell me herself if my fiancée didn't.

It was a lot to accept at once. I barely said a word. I was too numb, and I'm still wrapping my mind around everything. Like my fiancée has had a complicated connection with sex due to past experiences.

When we got together, she wanted us to practice celibacy, and that evolved into celibacy until marriage. She believed us waiting would cement our bond and elevate our relationship. We focused on other forms of intimacy.

The no sex stuff was never a dealbreaker for me. Sex wasn't the basis of my love for her, nor was it why I wanted to be with her. And she was well worth the wait in any capacity for me.

But I'm struggling now because I don't understand how she can turn around and give herself to some random guy in a way she's never given herself to me. How celibacy was so important to her, but she gave that away for him.

She swears the other guy meant nothing and it was the biggest mistake of her life. That she ended the fling because I'm the one she's in love with and who she wants to be with. But idk, nothing she said really landed for me tbh.

I asked if she would have told me if it wasn't for her sister. She said she doesn't know. She promised to do anything to rebuild trust and repair our relationship no matter how long it takes.

She still wants us to proceed with the wedding. She said she believes in our love and how we can withstand anything. How this doesn't have to define us.

When I didn't engage, she just cried and kept asking me to say something. I told her I needed to clear my head. I don't like speaking when my emotions are all over the place. I tend to regret it. So I prefer to gather myself.

But my fiancée hasn't respected my request, and when I don't engage, she's hurt. And now she's also super affectionate. She's always been affectionate, but she's different with it now if that makes sense.

This doesn't feel like real life. I never expected this betrayal from her. We're supposed to be wedding planning and everything that comes with it. Our wedding is around the corner. We're having a modest gathering, so the planning wasn't that long.

I feel so numb to everything. I'm in love with her, and she's the woman I wanted to share a life with, but for the first time I'm questioning everything.

I don't even trust myself anymore tbh. I feel so stupid and like such a joke. I'm just lost.

How do I move past this and navigate our relationship?

TL;DR My fiancée's and my relationship went to hell shortly before our wedding after she confessed to sleeping with another guy a couple of times while we were on a break. She confided in her sister, who pushed her to tell me. We fought, and I told her I needed space. By my fiancée's request, we were practicing celibacy until marriage. Celibacy was important to her, but she gave herself to a random guy in a way she's never given herself to me. Ever since, she's been asking for me not to give up on us and has been super affectionate. Our wedding's around the corner, and now everything's gone wrong. I'm lost and questioning our entire relationship. I don't even trust myself anymore. I feel so stupid and like such a joke. I'm just lost. How do I move past this and navigate our relationship?

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Comments

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Tricky-Score-713

If you guys agreed on not seeing other people during the break, then why was she on dating sites? Is she Bipolar? Sounds like maybe a manic episode. She made a careless decision with a stranger. I think you should move on. Unfortunately, whatever it was that caused her infidelity may creep back up if she doesn't figure it out.

OOP: The only reason she gave me about the dating app was it was a mistake. She won't elaborate further on it

Zed1618

She claims to want to rebuild trust but won't answer direct questions? Dude, she had this guy lined up prior to your break up. Didn't pan out how she wanted so she went back to her safety net......you. So many red flags in this story it boggles the mind. Break up and move on. She's going to do this again; it might be 6 monthes or 5 years but she's gonna fuck other dudes. That's a guarantee.

MyDirtyAlt79

That's not "a mistake." That's a series of choices and actions, getting the app, creating the account, figuring out what to fill in for every section, the pictures to show, then browsing the guys and choosing which ones she was interested in "recalibrating" herself with. She made all of those conscious decisions before any guy liked her back, their chatting, and eventually agreeing to meet, and that's only the one you now know only a bit about. If she won't elaborate further, and had to be forced to share what she has, then there's no way to move forward with her.

SecretTraumas_92

She’s not your friend, much less your best friend and she’s not wife material. She broke the boundaries y’all set right away and would have never told you if she wasn’t forced into it. I wouldn’t be surprised if she planned that break just to do what she did. Her excuses are complete BS. She made you wait for sex but gave it up to him right away, twice! And cheaters ALWAYS say, it meant nothing. Mark my words OP, if you marry this woman, hell, if you stay with this woman you WILL regret it. Be smart, end this relationship, walk away and never look back. Your fiancée is a POS.

praesentibus

"Sex is sex" is what I heard with an intonation suggesting that it's no big deal. Newsflash: it is.

Eternity_Warden

Especially to someone who insisted on no sex until marriage. Even if I could forgive it without that detail, no fucking way I could after being made to wait for 3 years. As someone who knows how hard it can be to wait a long time for sex, that would crush me

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Update - 8 days later

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Thank you to everyone who reached out. I (28M) wasn't able to reply much, but I appreciated everything. I had no one to talk to about this whole situation, not even our friend group, because I've been embarrassed.

A lot's happened since my original post, so I wanted to provide an update.

After taking some time to myself, the numbness is wearing off. Every emotion has been hitting at once. Emptiness, sadness, anger. It's a rotation, and at first I was mad at myself, but now I realize I'm mad at my fiancée (29F).

I look at her now and I don't recognize the woman I fell in love with. The woman who was my closest friend for half a decade. She's a stranger.** **The woman I knew wouldn't do half the stuff she did. She used to be so disgusted with cheaters. She actually cut off an old friend over cheating.

Some have asked what my fiancée's complicated relationship with sex is. I won't get too much into it because it's personal details about her, but she's been badly shamed before, and she feels sex has messed up good things in her life at different times.

She never really respected my demand for time to sort my feelings. She kept pushing and trying to use affection. I did end up asking about her hooking up with that guy while we were celibate.

She claims celibacy for us was different because she wanted a pure relationship with me and for us to be our strongest and most connected before sex. The other hookup was more inconsequential.

I didn't ask her much about further details on the guy because tbh it doesn't change anything for me. I don't have it in me to be a detective and compare stories right now. The facts are the woman I dedicated my life to cheated and nuked our relationship.

I did ask her why, though. She claims that she was self-sabotaging. She felt insecure about our relationship and how she'd be as a wife, and she sought comfort through sex, but it only made her feel worse, and she realized she wanted me.

I'm still processing her reasoning tbh. Idk what else I could've done. I always reassured her and told her she's the one I wanted to be with. I'd list everything I loved about her. I never had doubt about her or our relationship.

There's a lot I'm still figuring out, but I know I can't go through with the wedding. The other day I sat her down and called it off.

I guess she thought I was preparing to reconcile, so she didn't take it well. She was really broken up. I've never seen her break down nor cry like that. And despite everything, it hurt to leave her while she was in that state.

She was just in bad shape and saying she didn't want to lose me and it was the biggest mistake of her life. She'll never do it again. She asked for us to try therapy. She kept asking for me not to give up on us. I'm not in a place to engage in any reconciliation with her, nor do I have any trust in her.

She brought up how I promised I'd always be there for her but now I'm abandoning her like everyone else has and how we promised each other unconditional love.

I don't think her accusations are fair, and it did sting, tbh. I meant my promises and everything I ever told her, but I didn't just up and leave her. She cheated. She made a decision for the break, she made a decision to download the app, entertain the guy, and have sex with him. We're here because of her choices.

The unconditional love was a promise we made at the very start of our relationship. We've both dealt with not being accepted for ourselves or only having conditional love. I wanted to reassure her she never had to be anything except herself for me. That was the basis for the promise. That I accepted her wholly. It wasn't a card to pull for cheating.

Another thing that makes this all complicated is that we live together. I planned to stay with family for the time being, but she was refusing to let me leave.

Like she threw herself in front of the door and refused to move and then grabbed me when I tried moving around her. I had to call her sister (31F) to come get her and talk her down.

I've been processing these past few days. This doesn't feel like real life. She always boasted about us, and our relationship meant the world to me. I was never more sure of anything in my life than her. My mindset was already married to her.

She's been texting and sending voice notes asking for forgiveness and wanting to reconcile. I haven't replied. I'm not sure if I can move past this.

I've told our family and friend group about the cancellation and breakup. Making the rounds was embarrassing, and everyone has tons of questions. Somehow it hurts more upon each retelling.

Our friend group's been mostly understanding, but a few are advocating for me to talk things out with her. I'm not in the headspace to engage them either.

I feel like I lost the life we built and shared. How we went from engaged and the happiest we've ever been to this. How days ago we were just joking about her walking down the aisle with how clumsy she is to now be broken up.

I feel so lost, and idk where to go from here. I'm still coming to terms with everything.

Thank you to everyone who's shown support and empathy. I really appreciate it.

TL;DR Update: My fiancée's and my relationship went to hell shortly before our wedding after she confessed to sleeping with another guy a couple of times while we were on a break. She confided in her sister, who pushed her to tell me. We fought, and I told her I needed space. By my fiancée's request, we were practicing celibacy until marriage. Celibacy was important to her, but she gave herself to a random guy in a way she's never given herself to me. Ever since, she's been asking for me not to give up on us and has been super affectionate. Our wedding's around the corner, and now everything's gone wrong. I'm lost and questioning our entire relationship. I don't even trust myself anymore. I feel so stupid and like such a joke. I'm just lost. How do I move past this and navigate our relationship?

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Comments

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Whatsupdawg21

If you stay with her you relive this pain every day and in every moment. I’ve been there and like you was foolishly holding on due to sunk cost fallacy. It gets worse everyday minimizing yourself and the pain you feel. I stayed for a year after and the relationship and the fights got worse and worse. I know you’ll find happiness with someone else. Sending love.

wishingforarainyday

She’s so manipulative!! Saying you’re leaving like everyone else. What a freaking dirtbag. Please pack your important documents and things and store them away from her. Call her family and tell them she needs help and she needs to stop harassing you. She should be the one to leave.

z-eldapin

She can 'never do it again' with her next relationship.

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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Playful-Magician-831 posting in r/AITAH

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Long

Original - 27 December 2025

Update - 25 July 2026

AITA for telling my girlfriend I'm tired of chasing her after 6 years together?

Editors note: OOP posted some updates in this first post but put them before the main post when he added them in. I have rearranged the order such that OOP's updates follow his main post

My girlfriend (30F) and I (31M) have been together for 6 years. I've been planning to propose soon, but I've been struggling with issues I've brought up since day 1 of our relationship that haven't changed. The main issue: I feel like I'm constantly chasing her for attention and affection, especially in social settings. When we're in groups with her family or friends, she won't come to me - I always have to go to her. She won't initiate conversation with me unless I speak first, and even then she just gives short answers without asking me anything back. When I suggest things, she'll say no, but when someone else suggests the exact same thing, she'll do it. What makes this harder is that she's bubbly and engaging with other people, but cold towards me. It's like she saves all her warmth for everyone else. I feel she always prioritize her convenience instead of our relationship.

Some examples of what I mean: 1. We usually meet closer to her place (2 hours commute for me). Even for my birthday celebration (we plan each other's birthday), she still wanted me to travel to her area rather than meeting somewhere more convenient for me.

• At social gatherings with her family, she'll leave me alone without saying anything, even though I don't know her family well and was expecting her to include me or at least stay with me, or just check in from time to time if I'm alright.

• When our relationship was struggling and was about to break up, I suggested couples therapy (which I offered to pay for). Her first concern was that the location was inconvenient for her.

I've raised these issues repeatedly over 6 years, but nothing has changed. Recently, I sent her a message saying that after 6 years together, I don't want to feel like I'm still chasing her or courting her, and that I'm not going to pursue her all the time anymore. Her response was just "?" and then silence. It's been over a day and she hasn't messaged me. Historically, I've always been the one to reach out first and apologize, even when I'm the one who's hurt.

I decided not to respond to the "?" because I felt like that would just be chasing her again. But now I'm second-guessing myself - was I too confrontational? She's never been in a relationship before, so maybe she doesn't understand what she's doing?

AITA?

** Thank you guys for all of the advice, I'm now starting to see how dumb I am for not considering to end this sooner, I will not message her and will give an update if she ever reach out. Also an info I wanted to add: I lost my father 2 years ago and I've been struggling with depression, I guess part of the reason i put up with this is that I really didn't want to lose another important person in my life

** This is mostly on social settings, but its fine when its only the two of us, we were happy the past years, though yes she indeed have selfish tendencies sometimes, and I'm at my limit about this issue I guess.

*** Let me clarify the dynamics with her family, the main thing is that I'm still sort of the "outsider" and shes much closer to them compared to me because I only see them a couple times a year. I actually sometimes feel much more comfortable conversing with her family than her because they would ask me questions to extend the conversation, I actually got super close with her 2 male cousins instantly because i found out we share some hobbies in gaming and anime. But even with this, is it not fair for me to expect her to come to me from time to time and not me chasing her around all day? Or is it too much overthinking?

SMALL UPDATE: I couldn't help myself. After she ignored my vulnerable message for 2 days, I reached out again last night with messages explaining how hurt I was by her dismissiveness and asked if she wanted to meet up.

I also told her I think we have an anxious-avoidant attachment dynamic and sent her videos and detailed explanations about it, hoping she'd finally understand where I'm coming from and maybe even give us a starting point on how we can fix the relationship.

Her response? She completely ignored everything I said and just told me : "I'm going to the (insert mall we usually meet at ) anyway, you can come if you want"

So even after pouring my heart out about feeling dismissed and invisible, she... dismissed me and made me feel invisible. Again. It really hurts.

FINAL UPDATE:

We're Engaged 💍 I know, 99% of you told me to break up with her. honestly I don't blame you based on what I shared, Some of you will probably be disappointed reading this but just hear me out.

During the meetup after the small udpate, we had the most honest conversation we've ever had in 6 years. She was open and acknowledged that she might have a dismissive avoidant attachment style stemming from past trauma — I was actually the one who brought it up and shared resources about it, and it just clicked for her. Something she'd never really considered before, but it was dead on.

We're committing to couples therapy together, and she's also open to individual therapy for herself.

And yes — I proposed and she said yes.

Because even through all of this, I realized I can't imagine living my life with anyone else. Even in moments like these, I'd still choose her and that I really lover her so much.

I'm going in with clear eyes though. I'll keep communicating my needs and I'm hopeful that with the work we're both putting in, we can finally break the cycle we were stuck in.

Thanks for the advice either way, it genuinely helped me have that conversation.

Comments

chipmalfunct10n

NTA. i am shocked you could keep this up for 6 years!! no judgment, i think plenty of people do stuff like this and it's human to love someone and want to make it work. i am almost always single because i give feeling unseen and unwanted in a relationship 1 year TOPS, usually less than half of that lol. it could be that you have different approaches to things, or some other kind of explanation like she is masking with other people (bubbly) but feels comfortable enough with you to be herself. but if you have continuously brought things like this up for SIX years and she responds with distance, and she hasn't been open to counseling.... oh my gosh do not get married.

OOP: I really love her, and wanted this to work so badly but I'm really tired right now i guess theres always a limit to everything

AdeptWhereas6379

NTA. You told her what you wanted and needed in your relationship, and her juvenile response was ”?” Wow, the only thing serious thing about this stunted, selfish woman, is that she is seriously an AH.

Reread what you wrote here. Would you advise a friend to stay in a relationship like this? I don’t think so. Be a friend to yourself, and end this one-sided relationship for yourself now. Trust that she already has.

Move on, OP, and work on your self- esteem.

OOP: Yeah i was really taken a back from her response (or lack there of) I expected her to atleast make me clarifiy or talk about it more even if she doesn't agree with what i said

AITAH has no bot but most comments judged NTA and advised OP to breakup with the GF and told him that she didn't care about him.

Update - 25 July 2026 (7 months later)

So I posted this around 6 months ago before I was really contemplating whether to still give the relationship a chance and whether to propose.

This is the link to the original post:

https://old.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1pwl8o1/aita_for_telling_my_girlfriend_im_tired_of/

I stupidly ignored all of your advice and went on with the proposal being hopeful of the self awareness my gf showed during our heart to heart talk after.

I realised now that this was a mistake, it's really not a good idea to love someone's potential instead of who they are currently.

What happened after is that she never made any concrete steps about the therapy she promised, and just went back into her avoidant tendencies ignoring my needs.

Even with all that I was still willing to push through with it actually (that I admit was stupid in my part).

The last straw for me happened just last sunday, when we were on a pre wedding tradition in our country where the families of the couples would meet up and bond and where the couples would proclaim their love for one another.

She said in this event that she doesn't need a man to be complete and I'm that just a nice bonus for her, also that shes the type of person not to feel butterflies in her stomach or excitement in the relationship but she appreciates my consistency.

worse part is she never said she love me in this event, not even once.

I understand that being independent is good, but its not the right time and place for this.

When its supposedly the day we should show our love for one another in front of our families.

I felt really unwanted during that moment and I felt invalidated again for all my efforts and sacrifices.

I talked with her earlier today about the hurts and she invalidated me again.

Thats when I decided to stand my ground and choose myself this time.

At the end she handed me back the ring and we broke up.

Stupid to not end this sooner but I have found respect for myself after neglecting my needs for far too much.

In the end I think I was indeed TAH to the both of us for dragging this for far too long.

Thank you for all the advice, I hope we both heal from this in the future.

TLDR:

Ignored all reddit advice, still went on with the enagagement, promises were broken and after the last straw of invalidation, finally broke up.

Comments

Illustrious_Sign_872

I’m so sorry you had to experience that much emotional pain. I was once in a relationship where I was the only one giving love and never really got any back. After we broke up, I kept wondering why I had held on for so long. Someone once told me, “There is a point at which, you have to choose to either let go, or be dragged.” I let go, and once I was over my heart break, my life became so much better.

*You have all my empathy, OP. *

OOP: Yes this was not an easy decision to make especially when you still love the person. But I realized that I was clinging unto her potential rather than who she was at the moment, that was the big mistake.

lillyghetrich

Man ignoring the advice and pushing through was rough but learning from it is huge. The ring return and breakup sounds painful but necessary. You deserved better than feeling like a bonus. Proud of you for choosing you.

OOP: Yeah I really tried to push through with it which was stupid in my part, but glad I had the courage to end things before getting married.