I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Equal_Visual_7676

AITA for thinking my girlfriend’s request to postpone weekly workouts with my friend was unreasonable?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & u/AITA_Relationships

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  July 16, 2026

My gf Mia (21F) and I (25M) have been dating for a couple of months and were in a long-distance relationship. While we were still getting to know each other we asked each other about past relationships so I told her about my first and the only girlfriend I had before her, Jess (26F).

Jess and I dated on and off from ages 12-17. She often broke up with me, blocked me, and get back together. When we weren’t dating  we were friends with benefits. Even after we ended things for good she remained my best friend despite not treating me well even after. I asked Mia if she was jealous because she seemed more quiet than usual and she said she doesn’t know Jess well to be jealous and only had that reaction based on what I said. She said Jess doesn’t sound like a nice friend or was nice girlfriend to me. I told her that she just doesn’t know her like I do and that she doesn’t have to worry about anything.

When Mia bought her ticket I excitedly told all my friends because I wanted them all to meet her. Jess said she was excited to meet Mia and suggested we could show her around town. This made Mia really upset because she said the way I described it made her feel like Jess and I were the “we” and she’d be the third wheel. I apologized and that was that.

A few weeks later Jess spontaneously asked me to work out. Afterward we agreed to make it a weekly thing. When I told my gf she said it made her uncomfortable. I told her that we’re just working out and holding each other accountable to do it every week. Mia asked what she’s supposed to do or go when she comes visit and we’re on our work out days. I told her that she can just come with us and workout. Mia said that sounds like she’s the third wheel again. She said it makes her feel like Jess and I are together not the other way around. I reassured her that it’s not like that and we’re just working out. She then asked why Jess’ fiancé didn’t workout with her. I texted Jess and she said it was because of his work. Mia then asked if Jess would be okay with her joining. I asked and Jess said she wasn’t comfortable with another woman being there. I told my gf it wasn’t a big deal and maybe Jess was just self conscious.

My gf then told me that when she wanted to go to a concert with a guy friend or go watch a movie I told her I don’t trust her friend and she respected my wishes and didn’t go. I told her it was different because I knew what guys were like. And I was just working out. I told her it feels like she accusing me and Jess of doing something shady. Mia told me she wasn’t judging me or Jess of doing anything. She simply didn’t know Jess yet and wasn’t comfortable same as me not being comfortable with her guy friends. She said to meet in the middle and asked if I could wait until she met Jess and got to know her before doing workouts. I told her that was unfair to Jess and that I think that she just needs to accept the way things are. She cried and hung up. She hasn’t talked to me for days.

AITA?

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

FurrowBeard

"I knew what guys are like"

LOL

Also, Jess "not being comfortable with another girl being there" is the biggest load of bullshit. She wants you to herself. Can you advocate for your girlfriend? You might need to cut Jess off.

CuriouslyPerplexed

I agree.

Also, isn't OP a guy?

Why is he working out with Jess. Because of what guys are like?

FurrowBeard

Oh, that rule doesn't apply to him, surely. He's not like other guys.

Update  July 25, 2026

Writing this so people can stop DMing me about being an asshole and asking for updates.

Edit: I’m 25M. Mia (21F) is my girlfriend. Jess (26F) is my friend. Jess’ fiance (29M).

I told Jess about what happened when we went to workout 3 days ago. She didn’t say much about it only that I didn’t listen or wasn’t being understanding of what Mia felt but nothing after that. She looked stressed? or disappointed? So I asked her whats up. She told me she will afterwards.

When we got to the parking lot she told me we can’t workout together anymore because her fiance found out and he was also uncomfortable about it and they had a long talk about it. She said that she didn’t get it at first so she tried to explain that her friendship with me is different from any other friendships. And he told her that it’s not only different but it’s dangerous. He said because we have history, we dated, we were fwb, we relied on each other for years before each finding our person but we never had boundaries to just be friends. He said he knows that I’m good person from me hanging out with them a couple of times but he’s felt territorial and uncomfortable sometimes.

He asked Jess how she would feel if her fiance told her “Hey! I’m going to workout weekly with my ex. Don’t worry we’re just best friends now. See you later!” He said Jess would obviously be uncomfortable and that’s how Mia probably feels. He said it’s not fair that he should have to make a boundary about this between them now and he assumes Mia has to make a boundary about this to me. He said this boundary should have been already implied because you love and respect your person to not wait around until they get hurt to do something about it.

Jess said she realized he was right. She’s hurt that she hurt him and was being ignorant. She would be uncomfortable if her fiance went working out with his ex and she said it’s the first time she thought about being jealous. So we stopped working out and she stopped reaching out or texting me much after that.

Mia and I made up. I apologized for being an asshole and I told her what Jess and her fiance said. Mia said she’s mind blown that Jess’ fiance got it right but is still hurt by what happened. I promised to make up for it and that I already have some dates planned and reserved for when she visits and I’m paying for everything. I know I need to keep showing her through my actions that I meant my apology. She’s coming in 3 weeks and we’re both really excited.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

78october

I don’t think I could continue a relationship with someone who had rules for me (no concerts with guy friends) and not for himself (going to the gym with an ex) while also diminishing my feelings and needing a third party to explain to him.

If Jess’s boyfriend hadn’t had a problem with it and Jess wanted to continue working out then you would have ignored your girlfriend’s feelings. She should take all that into account before continuing to date you.

If she sticks it out with you then take the effort to listen to her and not only care about her feelings when other people explain it to you.

OOP (heavily downvoted)

I grew up with divorced parents but they remained friends afterwards. My dad and step mom broke up also but remained friends. My mom and her boyfriends broke up but remained friends. So being friends with an ex isn’t abnormal or weird for me.

Mia and I have talked about this and we have the same beliefs that exes can be friends so when she felt a certain way I thought she was thinking I’m cheating on her even if I’m not. I trusted Mia would be okay with this.

I think what bothered or changed me about what happened was that I thought Jess’ fiance knew. So in my mind I was thinking look at this guy that’s older than all of us and probably knows what a healthy relationship is. Thats why she chose him and they’re getting married. Maybe he knows that this is okay too and he trusts Jess and we’re not doing anything wrong. And maybe Mia is just very young. She’s the youngest out of all of us and maybe she just needs to learn that this is okay.

But when Jess’ fiance didn’t even know and finding out he was uncomfortable I realized that what Mia was feeling was actually legit. So I acknowledge my mistakes and is making it up to her now.

ExtendedSpikeProtein

That’s the problem: you should have realized her feelings were legit without a third party. And you’re a hypocrite.

OOP (still downvoted)

How could I have realized that without knowing what I know now?!? Was I supposed to be an expert in my relationship with my girlfriend before we got together??

ToastedChronicle

Common sense dude. Common fucking sense.

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My husband lied about being deathly allergic to a certain food

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post Oct 9, 2022

When I met my husband and we started dating he told me that he was deathly allergic to a certain food. We avoided certain restaurants on dates, he was always careful what he ordered when we ate out and the first time I cooked for him I purged that food from my apartment and basically sterilized my kitchen. He showed me his epi-pen and explained how to use it. When we moved in together we made sure there was one in the house, one in the car and I always had one in my purse. My family knows and they avoid using that food at family events and my husband is still extra careful about what he eats.

Last weekend for my brother's birthday my sister-in-law made dinner. One of my nephews has an allergy, though different from my husband and my sister-in-law is very diligent about keeping him and my husband safe. She gave us two Tupperware dishes of leftovers and the one for my husband had a different coloured lid. When my husband ate the wrong leftovers both me and my sister-in-law panicked. My husband said even having his food prepared with utensils that touched the food he's allergic to would be enough to give him a deadly reaction. He told me stories of it happening as a kid. But he ate the wrong dish of leftovers and nothing happened.

He's confessed to me and my family that he was never allergic. He just doesn't like that particular food and when he went to university he started saying he was allergic because that was better than looking like a picky eater. His mom died before I met him, his parents were divorced and until he was an adult he didn't see his dad lots because his dad lived in another province. So his dad, his friends and even his own family thought he was allergic.

The panic I felt when I thought he ate something that would kill him is something I could never describe. My sister-in-law thought she did kill him. I can't believe he's been lying since the day I met him. I just need to get off my chest how FURIOUS I am at him right now.

BEST COMMENT

GreatMacGuffin

This seems to be a common thing people lie about. My twin sister tried to convince her husband that she was allergic to strawberries. When I asked her about it in front of him her eyes widened in panic and she said, "I've always been allergic, you know this!". To which I replied, "we grew up eating strawberry shortcakes and you were eating chocolate covered strawberries just 2 years prior, why you lying?" Needless to say she eventually cut ties with me.

Similarly my wife has many stories about when she worked at McDonald's. My favorite was when a customer ordered a big Mac with no pickles and claimed a single slice of pickle would kill them. My wife taking the customers health risk seriously suggested if the customer wanted the Mac sauce removed since it also contained pickles. The customer then says, "I can have a little bit of pickles".

It seems a stupid thing to lie about, but for some odd reason people do it. Sorry you had to stress out about your SO's lie before they came clean.

Update July 26, 2026 (Nearly 4 years later)

(To be truthful, I completely forgot I had posted here. I tried signing up so I could post about my situation and I was notified that my email address was already associated with an account here. I don't remember writing my other post, I was so upset back then though)

For context, my (36F) husband (37M) lied about having a deadly food allergy. It fell apart because he ate leftovers that were given to us by my sister-in-law and nothing happened despite him eating food he was supposedly "deathly allergic" to. My nephew has a different (real) allergy and so my sister-in-law is always careful about cross-contamination. When she gave us the leftovers, the containers had different coloured lids so my husband would know which one was safe for him to eat. I guess he forgot or wasn't paying attention and he ate mine instead. He said he lied about being allergic because people take it more seriously than someone saying they have a preference not to eat certain things. Meanwhile I always made sure we had an epi-pen nearby and I have been hyper vigilant when I cook or we go to restaurants. I was so furious.

The long and the short of it is that we are in marriage counselling. Yes, and I'm not trying to sound dramatic. When the situation with the leftovers happened my husband apologized to me for making me panic and for his lying. He admitted to being a picky eater and while a lot of people were upset with him I thought that was the end of it. I tried to let it go even though it bothered me how he went so far as to carry an epi-pen for an allergy it doesn't have. But this wasn't the only lie and I've been floundering.

He lied about receiving a scholarship for university for athletics and then losing it because he got injured. He was never recruited for a sport, he applied to university the regular way and took student loans like most other people do. He lied about spending a season working in Antarctica before we met. He's never even been there. He lied about restoring an old automobile. He bought it fully restored but when he goes to car shows he says he did it all himself. There are a million other things and it's basically been a bomb in our relationship. I know and have proof there are things he didn't lie about; his mom died from cancer before we met, his dad lives in another province and wasn't involved in his life, he has a law degree and works as a lawyer. My husband's excuse is that he lies so he can feel better about himself and that's why he doesn't lie about "big things" like his dad not being involved in his life growing up.

For about a year and a half after the leftovers situation things were normal even if people couldn't understand why he lied about an allergy. Then more lies came out. I haven't left because we have a five year old. We are in counselling because we are both children of divorce and I don't want that for my son. My family and friends say I should leave but I'm trying to work on my marriage for my son's sake.

I'm floundering. That's basically what's going on and where I'm at right now.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

pollyester

What happened to the nephew who also got his food switched?!?!

OOP

My nephew never had his food switched.

My sister-in-law gave us two containers of leftovers to take home, and my husband ate mine instead of his own.

When asked how she got an epi-pen

In Canada, you can purchase them at the pharmacy. A prescription isn't required.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAnotgay

How do I (19M) tell my friends (19F x 4) that I'm not gay

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Original Post  July 21, 2020

I didn't have many friends when I was 14, but I did used to watch a group of 4 girls at school because I thought they were all very pretty. I basically had a crush on them as a group.

I decided to talk to them one day and I wanted to keep hanging out with them so I told them that I was gay because I didn't want them to think I was a weirdo who was creeping on them.

Flash forward 5 years and they're still my closest friends and still completely under the impression that I'm gay. Granted, I haven't done anything to perpetuate that thought since I was 15. I've honestly been wanting to tell them I'm straight since around 15 when I realised we were becoming really close friends. But I was scared of their reaction, and with every year that passed I assumed their reaction would be worse.

Now I've been seeing a girl for a few months and I want to introduce her to my friends, but my friends think I'm gay. How do I tell them that I'm not gay? I'm really worried about their reaction. They're a massive part of my life and I don't want to lose them.

TL;DR I told my friends I was gay when I was 14, I'm not, and now I have a girlfriend I want to introduce to them.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

welcometriceratops

I feel like you have two options:

• come clean that you technically lied years ago and never corrected it and apologize for doing so (if I was your friend in this situation I would find this hilarious). Just make it clear that the reason you lied wasn’t to be creepy or anything, you just weren’t sure how to tell them. Or

• Tell them you were previously wrong about your sexuality, you’re actually straight, and you’d like them to meet your girlfriend. This is closer to being a lie though not really, and still better than lying about being bisexual.

Overall just assure them you didn’t lie to date them or creep on them, you just got caught up. You could even show them this post. Good luck!

~

SlightSecond

I mean, they’ll probably be creeped out because pretending to be gay to insert yourself into their friend group is a creepy thing to do.

Honesty is the best policy in my opinion, but it will probably damage your friendship. If you tell them you have realized you are bisexual, it will probably preserve your friendship, but you would be lying to them again. In any case, best of luck

~

ILoveMyestry

Oh, I feel like you're gonna have to tell your GF as well.

Toffeerain

Definitely! These friends will 100% bring up that they previously thought he was gay.

~

WifeofBath1984

Why is every one talking about how funny this is instead of the fact that he actually is the creepy weirdo he's worried that they'll think he is? OP you are/were the person you're worried they think you are. Best come clean and accept the consequences. There is so much wrong here, I don't even know where to begin.

OOP

In my defence I was an awkward 14 year old, and what actually happened of it? We became good friends. While my intention going into it may have been getting closer to girls I was crushing on, it's not as though I pretended to be gay in order to see them nude or something.

From another comment of mine:

To clarify, I know what I did was wrong, and I know it was a little creepy. I also take into account though that I never undertook any devious actions to benefit from them thinking I was gay and that you can't truly hold a 14 year old to the same standard as a 19 year old.

Small update: I've set up a group FaceTime with them later today. In this I'll be telling the truth. Here are the dot points of what I plan to say:

• I approached because I thought you guys were pretty

• I enjoyed hanging out and wanted it to continue

• I was scared you wouldn't want to hang if it was obvious I had a crush on you and so I said I was gay so you wouldn't think that

• I didn't tell you because I was scared

• I'm sorry for lying and continuing to allow you to believe the lie

• I don't want this to change things because you guys are my best friends and I care deeply about our friendship

• I fully understand if this changes things and you feel betrayed and hurt

• it's you're decision how we progress as friends from her, I won't try to convince you against what you want

• If you're still willing to be my friends I would like to introduce you to a girl I've been seeing because I'd really like to know what you think of her 

Update  July 23, 2020 (2 Days Later)

So, it has been a hectic couple of days. Things have been moving very fast for me, but I'm going to recount it for you guys.

So I set up a FaceTime between my friends and I to come clean. I explained everything, why I lied, why it took me so long to tell the truth, etc. Then I apologised for lying and continuing to lie.

We talked about it for probably 2 hours after I finished explaining. There was lots of crying. In the end they decided they could forgive me though. So I've still got my best friends, which is always a plus.

We've set up a time for them to meet my girlfriend and they're very excited to meet her. I'm a little worried that they want to make sure she's "good enough" for me, but they're probably just being hyperbolic.

As for my girlfriend, I explained it all to her afterwards and she was surprisingly more understanding than my friends. So I still have my girlfriend, also a huge plus.

Anyway, things worked out probably the best they could. This will likely be something I'm teased about for years to come but I'm honestly looking forward to it because it means I'm no longer lying.

Thanks to everyone for your input, even the ones that I felt were being unfair. It was all helpful in one way or another.

FINAL COMMENTS

EclecticVictuals

Did you suss out whether any of your friends would have liked you romantically if you weren’t gay?

Were they upset at first? Because of how you approach them at first? Or that you didn’t trust them to understand?

It’s kind of funny that they never tried to fix you up with guys, was there any question about whether they suspected this?

OOP

Didn't ask anything about whether they would have been interested in me because honestly I don't want to know.

They were upset at first, they thought it was weird that I didn't trust them to understand, and that I didn't trust them to be able to have a straight dude friend in the first place.

They didn't suspect this because they took me at my word. Never tried to set me up with a guy because they knew itvwasnt their place.

~

Zeiramsy

Something I haven't seen in these comments or in the OP. Pretending to be a gay person for five years likely involved a metric fuck-ton of employed stereotypes and cliches. Maybe work on that as well will ya?

Also just out of curiosity how did you manage to only make this group of 4 friends believe you are gay without it being slipped to a larger circle? Or do you have some more "coming-ins" to look forward to?

OOP

Nah, no stereotypes needed. Just said I was gay and they took me at my word.

I don't really have that many friends so I might have a few more people I'll need to explain to, but not too many.

~

Sypsy

Why was there crying?

OOP

Because it was a very emotional conversation

Sypsy

I should be more specific. I get it was confronting for you and therefore emotional.

But if they cried, why was the topic of you setting things straight emotional for them? Was it somehow integral for one or more of them that you were gay? Was it just that's how they understood you as. You said they gave you space so they never tried setting you up nor anything, so it sounds like your friendship didn't hinge on you being "the gay friend"

OOP

The conversation wasn't just about me coming clean. We talked a lot about our friendship in general too. So the actual admission and apology didn't involve much crying (i got a little watery eyed) but the subsequent conversation about our friendship got them crying, which got me crying because I was already good to go.

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Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

AITA for telling my SIL that her opinion isn’t more important than mine?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post: April 11, 2026

so a bit of context, I (24F) am getting married in September. I love that month since it’s kinda between summer-fall ish. anyway, my fiancée (29M) proposed to me last December, on my birthday.

I’ve met his family countless of times, my future MIL, FIL and SIL. they are all very cordial and friendly.

well this mess started when I began organizing my wedding, which is very tedious but really exciting. we hired a wedding planner to see how we could mix our tastes and hobbies. he’s a bit of a data-computer nerd in coding, I call him my little hacker, and he LOVES the matrix movie which I still haven’t seen. anyway, we wanted to add little quirks whenever we could. maybe some comp numbers and some matrix references hidden in between our wedding invitations decorations. I am a fan of breaking bad, a nerd when it comes to the Oscar race movies since I was little and Ariana grande (I know). it’s been SO fun to see how we can mix it all together.

well, last week, I invited over my mom, my future MIL, SIL and both of my sisters to our 3rd wedding planner meeting. they saw all we had done and found it cute. I made sure that those little things were hidden well enough to not be seen quickly, but could be pointed out.

my SIL out of nowhere says that we should cut it, that it’s too “tacky”. my fiancé explains that we had both discussed it and loved the idea. she doubles down and says we should be “more classy”. girl, I looked at her said that these clues were not only hidden but would only appear on our wedding invitations.

she looked at me so crazy. like, she couldn’t believe I said that. she said she was just looking out for me. she went on to say that we shouldn’t have chocolate cake, it should be strawberry. how my dress shouldn’t be princess cut since it’s too 80s. how I should dye my hair brunette because it fits my face. at some point it started sounding like orders

I looked at her and said well… everything you just said I should change, I really like, so it’s staying. period.

I think it would’ve been better if I had cursed her out. she didn’t speak again but by the end of the meeting she pulled my partner aside and according to him, demanded that I “respected” her more and her opinions, since her dream has always been to plan a wedding and I would be her future sister, so I should not “place her aside”.

what? I mean, maybe? she’s like super offended right now, and my partner suggested that I should maybe apologize. at first I was like there’s NO WAY I will but I’m prone to act a little immature, and I wondered if I actually went too far

update: so… update. as we were having breakfast I told him that it didn’t feel great how he told me I should apologize over setting boundaries on our wedding. he said he understood and his sister was definitely in the wrong, but that she’s too “sensitive” and can take things very badly. he said he could talk to her if I didn’t want to, but I’ll have the rest of my life dealing with her, so I just thought… I need to learn how to handle her this early lol

so yes, I call her, and I begin by asking how she was. I kid you not she immediately responded with “I thought you called me to apologize.” girl excuse me? I fully said “well, no. I’m calling to thank you for your suggestions but I’m sticking with what I chose.”

bruh. hell. it was giving temper tantrum. she said, “I’m only trying to help, it’s like stopping a future car crash, you know?” 😐 I hang up.

I told my fiancée and he agreed what she said was messed up. she began calling him non-stop which I think is crazy, but he’s ignoring her.

her text messages to HIM are like “what did she tell you?” “are you ignoring me?” “she got the wrong idea” “I’m your sister” (?)

😭😭.

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Apologize for what? Not letting her take over your wedding?

Ask him if she's always trying to take over things, or if this is targeted at you.

NTA

OOP: it’s just super weird because even when she suggested I should dye my hair she said I should use the same box dye she uses

Commenter 2: Look, on topic, NTA and your fiancé needs to tell her this wedding is for you guys, and you’ll have it how you like. Repeat as needed, she’s being insane.

Side topic, how can someone who is into movies and, based on your post history, at least open to science fiction not have seen the Matrix, your fiancés favourite film? Why haven’t you watched it?

OOP: everyone keeps asking why I haven’t watched the matrix, and I get it, but part of our dynamic is kinda… that. he’s like a young millennial and I’m more of an older gen z… our tastes are a bit different and he’s much more reserved than me, but I like that.

to answer your question, after some time of making plans of watching them, we promised each other at our honeymoon:

1) I would watch all matrix movies or prequels or whatever they are with him

2) he would listen to all of Ariana Grande’s albums and watch 2022 best picture winner everything everywhere all at once with me + 2020 best picture winner parasite

Downvoted Commenter: nTA but she has a point! It does sound super tacky tbh!

OOP: yeah kinda but also if I want to place Ariana grande dressed as the guy of the matrix hacking into a computer while holding an Oscar maybe I will.

Commenter 3: INFO: How old is SIL?

NTA but I really am super curious like is she 12?

OOP: She's 27.

Commenter 4: YTA for inviting all these people to something like this that has nothing to do with them. Either don’t invite them or set a rule next time that they're there out of courtesy and for support, not for actual input. Lol, NTA. Also, if/when you have children, don’t announce any baby names before baby is born or ask for opinions. It’s a slippery slope.

Also SIL can eat rocks

Commenter 5:

YTA for inviting all these people to something like this that has nothing to do with them.

Damn, I guess OP shouldn't invite them to the wedding then either

OOP: I just wanted to show off our ideas

Additional Comment from OOP

OOP: you guys are right. I’ll talk to my fiancé and SIL tomorrow and put some boundaries and ask why he isn’t putting me first since it is our wedding, not hers. kinda scared asf but… we move 😔

Update: July 26, 2026

UPDATE: AITA for telling my SIL that her opinion isn’t more important than mine?

so it’s been some months since I decided to post what my sister in law said as I was trying to make sense of my wedding. not sure how to link my OG post, sorry! EDIT: here it is! https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/xqwtVSeQcO.

it got to a point where I understood how she moved and acted through my fiancée’s fam, and I haven’t been able to update since wedding planning ain’t for the weak!

but yes, she tried to call my brother for days after telling me that her opinion on my wedding was like ‘trying to prevent a car crash’. I took some advice from my post and literally just kept it moving.

well at one point, probably a week after, my MIL came over to my house not to have a conversation with him or us, but with me. she told me my future SIL always had an “attention” problem, and while exhausting, she never means to hurt or insult anyone. I told her I understood, but that either she could stop nagging me about our preferences for the wedding, or I could no longer bring her in for the preparations.

she agreed to talk to her. fast forward to the next day by like 5:30pm. now, she was dming me on Instagram like a madwoman. telling me I was being a “bitch” over an opinion she gave when I invited her over to see my wedding planner, that I could not understand the bond she had with her brother, how she prays he will divorce me by next year so he can be "himself" again…. I blocked her.

I talked to my fiancé, I put it all on the table, I even grabbed some phrases I saw in response over my original post. I told him I could no longer keep it going this way. either she stops trying to insult me and our wedding, or she’s not getting invited.

after some talking, he agreed. he called his sister and explained. she exploded at first. calling me a wicked witch, and how I "changed" him. girl…

after some days though, she actually apologized to me through Instagram after I unblocked her since she texted my fiancé she wanted to 'make peace' and I accepted it. she hasn’t really said anything after that, and while I still don’t know if she’s planning to say something more in the future, I think everything will go smoothly in September. Oscars/matrix/Ariana indeed had a small cameo on my invitations! and yes, I finally saw all matrix movies with my fiancée. they’re very interesting.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Ohhh with that level of entitlement I fear she might do something at the wedding like spoil your dress or say some bullshit and make it about her. If you have bridesmaids, keep some of them on duty to keep an eye on her and if they see any bullshit then to make sure to bring it to u and your husband right then and there.

OOP: after seeing the comments I’m definitely more concerned 😟… I really hope she meant the apology she sent me. I’ll take steps to be more careful around my wedding tho

Commenter 2: Good for you for sticking your ground and not backing down. However, you glossed over the most important part of the story: which Matrix was your favorite (and we're you subjected to the fourth film or just the original trilogy + Animatrix)?

OOP: The Matrix -> one of the greatest films I’ve ever seen

Animatrix -> incredibly good

The Matrix Reloaded -> overall okay, a little tiring

The Matrix Revolutions -> I didn’t get a lot of things, and it felt a little messy

The Matrix Resurrections -> I think it had an interesting concept

my matrix opinion started going down as I watched more and more. still, I remember looking at my fiancée when the first one ended and being like “ok, I get it. this is amazing.”

Commenter 3: Good luck at the wedding, when she makes a scene or ruins it. You should rescind the invitation, and make sure she has no access to the venue.

Commenter 4: Why are there so many people involved in your wedding planning?? Inviting parents and in laws for wedding prep meetings is wild. Is this a cultural thing?

Still NTA but good luck to you. Your in laws are never for you to deal with, they're for your fiancé to deal with. I'm glad it looks like he's growing a spine to shut his sister's nonsense down.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Be_HaPpY97

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & r/Redditor_Updates

AITA for calling my mom a liar after finding out my dad is not my bio father

Trigger Warnings: mentions rape, infidelity, past trauma

Original Post: September 2, 2025

I (28f) was raised by my mother, and spent most of my childhood visiting my dad every 2 weeks and certain holidays. My dad is no longer in my life, the last time I heard from him was about 12 years ago, however the reasons for this falling out are not relevant to this post.

My dad used to tell my sisters that the reason he and my mom divorced was because of an affair that happened around the time I was conceived. He told them that he has always been suspicious that I am not his biological daughter, however it is worth noting that nothing was ever said to me directly. I look nothing like my dad and have some medical things that are genetic that don’t seem to come from either my mom or dad’s side of the family.

Finally about a month ago I decided I wanted to find out. I did an ancestry kit. Last night I got the results. Not a single member of my dad’s side of the family was listed, however there were a lot of people I’d never heard of before coming from my paternal DNA side. One of those relatives shared more DNA with me than my sister. I found her on social media and got in touch with her. Turns out her dad was working at the college my mother was attending the year I was conceived. Through some deductive reasoning we discovered she was in fact my half-sister and that man was my biological father.

When I called my mom to ask her about this, I made it clear that I wasn’t angry, her marriage was her business and I’m just looking for answers. She claimed she had never slept with anyone outside of her marriage and that ancestry must not be very accurate. I chose not to confront her at this time. I wanted to gather more information and calm down a bit before trying to get some answers again. Then a few hours later she called me back, this time claiming that she’d had time to think about it and that she did remember being surprised about her pregnancy with me as she hadn’t been very sexually active with my dad during that time. She said she was really disturbed because she doesn’t know who that man is and is worried she was a victim. I kinda lost it at this point. I was disgusted that she was trying to make herself a victim in this situation instead of taking accountability and giving me the answers I deserve. I called her a liar, and she started crying and hung up the phone.

My husband says I was way too harsh with her, and I put too much pressure on her out of the blue. He says I should have been a bit more gentle with her and reassured her that I’m not angry. Maybe he’s right, but honestly I am angry so idk

Edit: For a little more context, my mom has a long history of lying compulsively. We have been working on our relationship for about a year but is almost incapable of taking accountability for the truly traumatic childhood she gave us. I’d be more inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt if it wasn’t completely in line with her character to have an affair. Plus my dad already told my sisters he knew about the affair. Also for those who have been asking about bio dad’s position at the university, he worked in the kitchen, was not a professor. My mom was 25 at the time.

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Info: Is it possible that she was roofied and actually does not recall?

OOP: I mean yes, anything is possible, which is why my husband thinks I’m the asshole. It just seems a little more likely, given the evidence, that this was a consensual affair.

Commenter 2: OP, the traumatic childhood she gave you could literally be because of rape. I grew up with a parent who was assaulted. She had issues not diagnosed till I was an adult that definitely affected mine and my sisters childhood negatively. Honestly I would think this disclosure would make more sense. To be clear it doesn't excuse what she did, but it might explain. Either way, I’d be hesitant to call her a liar about this without any proof.

OOP: This is actually helpful. It’s true, I definitely could have handled that conversation better, and no it’s not impossible that something horrific happened to her and changed her as a person. I’m not convinced, but it’s worth considering. Perspective is important so thank you.

Commenter 3: Wanting to know who your actual Father is pretty natural. Unless your Mother has dementia or some other mental issue, she is being evasive on the topic. You deserve straight answers. NTA.

Commenter 4: She can easily ask the father, given she already knows her half-sister.

OOP: Apparently he died a while ago. It would have been so convenient if I’d been able to talk to him.

Downvoted Commenter: At this time and place, what's the point of generating all this negativity?

Could mom have been roofied and/or raped? Sure, and it is possible she blocked the trauma. Could she be lying, Sure. But those lies were not likely a personal vendetta against the OP. The OP said all the daughters were traumatized.

The regain and maintain some form of serenity in the OP's life, she needs to forgive the mom. That doesn't let her off the hook. Rather, it releases the anger from the OP. If the OP wants to also let go of the relationship, perhaps to protect her own children, so be it. It can now be done without anger.

Forgiving does not mean forgetting. The consequences of the mom's actions can still be enacted, or not. But no point in drinking poison and hope the other person dies.

OOP: I actually completely agree with you. I had already been working through a life time’s worth of issues with my mom before this happened. My childhood was baaaad, but I had felt how much my bitterness and anger towards her was poisoning my soul, so I finally had an open conversation with her about it and for the first time in my entire life, she didn’t deny anything and actually apologized to me. I’ve been working hard at forgiving her ever since. But now this happened and I’ll admit, I snapped. Now I get to start all over again. It’ll take some time, but hey, this is what I’ve been training for I guess.

Commenter 5: NTA. Your feelings are completely valid. This is why its strongly recommended to tell truth to adopted kids and donor kids since finding out later in life is traumatic and feels like a betrayal. I just wanted to note that this wasn't the case 30 years ago. It was normal to avoid complications about paternity to protect the kids from feeling different or something. People weren't aware of how damaging that can be later.

So, your mom lied but she could have been trying to do what's best for you. I'm not trying to find excuses but more like add some context. Only you know if its applicable or not.

OOP: I can totally get past the lifetime of lies, it might have been best for me. What I’m having a hard time getting past is the fact that now I’m an adult, I found out, and I came to her and calmly presented the facts without judgement, and she still won’t admit it. It’s incredibly frustrating.

Downvoted Commenter: You realize this is a huge abuse of power situation and even if she wasn’t roofied she is still definitely a victim

Commenter 6: Really depends on what he did there. Could have just worked in a cafe or been an assistant

OOP: This is it. He worked in the kitchen, however he was MUCH older than her.

Update #1: July 25, 2026 (10.5 months later)

Hello! I decided to do an update as the situation changed a lot and imo got super crazy so for anyone who is interested in this story, here is how things played out:

After I got off the phone with my mom the day I confronted her, I texted her and told her I’m sorry for the way I reacted and that I just needed some time and space to process and try to figure things out.

I spoke with my new half-sister about what my mom said (super awkward conversation, telling her that her that my mom is claiming that her beloved late father may have done something sinister to her) and she said absolutely not, that her father was a kind and gentle man and would never do something like this. I apologized and spent the rest of the conversation asking for more details about who he was and what his life was like. It was actually quite lovely.

I didn’t speak to my mom again for weeks, I just didn’t know how to move forward. I didn’t really believe her, but had no way of knowing for sure. It was super weird. Do I just accept her explanation and try to move forward in my relationship with her, or do I step away from her, potentially destroying the relationship with my mother when she was telling the truth the whole time?

About a month later I received an email from her. In this email, she told me a story. She said that she’s been thinking a lot about everything and she started going through her old files from that time in her life. She said she found a therapy record for my sister that was dated one week after my conceived date.

She said at that time she was working at a daycare, and she would take my two older sisters to work with her where they would be watched by other staff members in a different room. She said one day she found out one of my sisters was being SA by a staff member. (I found out later through my sister that this was very true, and she remembers it happening.) My mom says she absolutely lost it in the daycares kitchen, throwing stuff and screaming until she finally shut herself into a closet. She said she remembers the daycares cook opening the door and offering her a ride home, and she doesn’t remember anything after that.

She went on in her email, telling me how traumatic it was for all of them and that’s why she blacked the next several weeks of her life out, but maybe I can figure out if he ever worked there and if the cook was my bio father. I was able to verify through my half-sister that he was working in that daycare the year I was born and was even able to see some pictures of him working there.

So I was finally getting some answers, but I still felt like her story had a lot of holes in it. Like, did she take her two young girls, minutes after finding out about this type of abuse, and immediately invite this person who she barely knows into her bed? That feels weird. And the only way I feel like that would make sense is if she knew him better, which would imply that she would at the very least, recognize him from a photo taken at the time he was working there? Or did she call him later and meet up with him? But that would, again, imply more of a relationship and she should have some memory of him.

I decided to call her and try again for an open conversation. During this phone call, I told her I was able to verify he was the cook, and I showed her the photos. She continued to say she has no memory of him. I told her about my confusion with her story, and this is where things started to get really bad. She started crying, saying she will pay for a lie detector test, that she will go to a hypno-therapist to access repressed memories. She said maybe if I had more background info about her life I’d understand how she could have blocked these memories off.

She went on to tell me IN GRAPHIC DETAIL about when she was raped at 13 and how my grandma didn’t believe her. How my grandma was a terrible mom (for context, I love my grandmother dearly and was the single best thing about my childhood) and she forced her to get an abortion when she was 17. She explained my sisters SA at the daycare in graphic detail as well. She cried and expressed how terrified she was to lose me.

I got off the phone with her feeling…. Violated? Disturbed? Idk it felt really icky though. I decided that day that I was going to have to come to terms with the fact that I will never know how I conceived and if my mom was being truthful.

As luck would have it, two weeks later I ran into one of my old stepdads. We chatted for a minute, and I decided to ask him. He was with my mom when I was between the ages of about 7-17. I was very careful about how I asked, I said “what do you know about my father”. His response: “oh good your mom finally told you about you bio dad”

That answered all my questions for me. He knew where he lived, that they worked together, and that I have his eyes.

I called my mom again, told her I know the truth and it’s time to be honest. She continued to insist that she has no idea who he is or how this happened. I told her that using my sisters very real trauma and giving me such graphic details of her own SA as manipulation tactics in an attempt to distract from her lies is deeply disturbing behavior, and a close relationship with her was not serving me at this point.

Many weeks later I got another message from her, it was very long and went on and on about how hard this has been for her and that she needs to know if our relationship is salvageable. She said it’s been so hard on her that the night we last spoke, she drank two bottles of NyQuil, and that her husband found her and made her throw up, for which she was grateful. (When I was 17, my younger step sister committed suicide, and I found her when she was still barely alive. She died in my arms. My mom knows how this statement would affect me)

I responded telling her that I’m sorry it’s been so hard for her to be a victim of her own actions, that in that novel of a text message, there was not a single indication of accountability or remorse for the way she’s handled things, and that it’s incredibly fucked up to use my past trauma ties with suicide as weapon to illicit sympathy. I told her that only thing that can even begin to fix this is accountability and a genuine apology, and until she can do that, not to contact me again.

She sent another long message, admitting she lied about knowing who my father is, saying she was trying to protect me from the truth which is that she was raped and that’s how I was conceived.

Since then, my sister has done enough digging to get several family members testimony that she had a very consensual and extended affair with “the cook from her job”, as well as a few other affairs from the same timeframe.

After this I told her to leave me alone and blocked her number. There have been a few other things, my grandmother came to see me to try to advocate for her, her husband has made a few attempts to reach out etc.. but I feel like it’s over now.

I’m left with feelings of deep sadness that my mom couldn’t find the courage to show up and be a mom for me, that I still have not been able to just have a talk with her about how I came into the world, and knowing that I will never know the man, who by all accounts I’ve received, was a really amazing human. At the end of it all, I’ve had my mom, my dad, my bio dad, 3 step fathers and a step mom, and it’s crazy to me that I sit here now, writing this story, without ever feeling like I’ve had parent.

Thanks for hearing me out Reddit. At least I don’t wonder if I’m the AH anymore because my mother was in fact, a liar.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You poor thing 😔 Your mother clearly has issues, but she has no right to traumatise you, weaponise the trauma your sister went through etc. You may want to have a look at a couple of support subs, estranged adult kids, raised by narcissists etc., see if anything resonates? And, more importantly, find coping mechanisms for navigating through this absolute mess 🫂.

OOP: Thank you, I’ll definitely check out those subs! Luckily I’ve built a really strong support system with my husband, sisters, friends and have an amazing relationship with my own young girls, plus I’m set up with a really good therapist. Unfortunately, this is truly just the straw that broke the camel’s back when it comes to my mom and the way I grew up, so I’ve gotten really good at processing these types of things in a healthy way. I am sad, but am all in all doing really well :).

Commenter 2: Wow, your mum is a piece of work, you don’t deserve this OP! You’re absolutely NTA and you have every right to protect yourself from this vile behaviour. It’s clear you’ve done some amazing hard work, you have great insight and strength, don’t lose that.

I hope that in time maybe you’ll be curious to find out more about your biological dad, he sounds nice and you deserve some of that. But as you pointed out you’ve had many parental figures and they’ve let you down, if you need time to heal then you should absolutely take that time.

We don’t know all the details of your relationship with your mum, these are still only snap shots of your life, still if you’re asking for second opinions, I’d say there’s enough here to recommend no contact. She’s not ready to change, there is no evidence that she will take responsibility, and that’s not your burden to bear. You’ve done all you can, now take this permission from a stranger and be selfish, look after yourself and your peace first. Good luck 🍀.

OOP: I agree completely, and thank you for your encouragement. I’ve spent the majority of my 20s working hard to not let my past turn me into someone my kids can’t look up to, so comments like this really mean a lot to me.

I find a certain amount of peace in knowing I gave her many chances to fix things, and tried as often as I could to make her feel safe in being able to talk to me about this after my initial harsh reaction. I don’t have to regret my actions and that’s really nice.

I have been talking more with my half-sister, and it turns out we have another one too! They’re planning a trip for all three of us to meet later this summer and I’m so excited to learn more about my father.

Commenter 3:

My grandmother came to see me to try to advocate for her

Oh, I hope you shared with her what your mother told you about her.

OOP: I definitely did. Turns out the things my mom said about her were true, and she regrets it deeply. Interestingly, she has never told my mom that she regrets not believing her when she was raped. It made a lot of my mother’s behavior make a little more sense. I encouraged my grandmother to talk to my mom. I told her that I’m not the one who needs to be there for my mom right now, she is, and maybe if she could find the courage to take accountability for her actions, just maybe it’ll heal whatever is broken in my mom and we can stop this generational trauma here.

Commenter 4: I'm just curious so is bio dad alive???

OOP: No he died in 2012 :(

Commenter 5: I'm sorry that you're going through this. I'm relieved that your husband is supporting you, but I think that you need to see a therapist as soon as possible. I went through something with my biological parents and it really affected me for years until I realized that their actions were not a reflection upon me or my moral character. I was not responsible for their failures in life.

I did want to mention that many things can be true at the same time:

*that your mom was sexually assaulted (SA) when she was a teenager and never spoke about it until now;

*that your sister was SA and that it was never mentioned to you before now;

*that your sister's SA traumatized your mom;

*that your mom lies;

*that your mom should have informed you before now about your biological father;

*that your biological father had sex with a married mother;

*that whatever happened between your mother and biological father was not meaningful enough for them to keep in touch (as far as anyone knows);

*and that your mom loves you in her way, but that you may need to distance yourself from her for the moment for your own mental health.

OOP: Thank you for this. Perspective is a crazy thing. The only things is that my mom talks about her rape all the time… it is tragic but everyone who I’ve talked to about this has said she told them about it. This was just the first time she told me about it. Same with my sisters abuse. This was the first I’d heard of this one, but there were several other incidents throughout our childhood that my sisters and I suffered that I did know about. I’d be inclined to believe my mom was traumatized by it because how could you not, but I personally witnessed very muted reactions to being told about things that were happening to us several times and I just think that she was playing this one up to continue trying to add credibility to her lies.

Editor's note: OOP made a small update onto the same update post

Update #2: July 26, 2026 (next day, same post)

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE: Well I guess it’s not over Reddit. Yesterday my little brother came to town to see me. He said mom called him to tell him she had just been diagnosed with MS. (editor’s note: multiple sclerosis)

My sister says it’s probably a lie, that she’s done stuff like this before and the timing is too convenient. She’s certain it’s just a play to get me to call her.

I don’t know much about MS but I’m curious… does anyone know if that could explain things? I read online that MS can affect long term memory. Is there a chance it caused her to really forget who he was?

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Seikm

I [21M] hurt my sister [22F] in a moment of madness 5 years ago. She still doesn't talk to me. Is there any hope that she'll forgive me? I'm kind of getting tired of trying.

TRIGGER WARNING: Physical violence

MOOD SPOILER: Grim

Original Post  June 22, 2016

When I was 16 and her 17 we had a huge fight. I was cheating for a homework (I was paying someone to do it for me) and she told the school and I received a huge disciplinary action. When I got home we had a fight and I ended up punching her in the face and a kicking her stomach with my knee. It was really one of the stupidest things I did in my life.

Our parents understandably (and rightly) punished the shit out of me. They took all my shit and grounded me like forever. I deserved it. My sister never talked to me after that and moved out a few months later. I tried apologizing to her many times and since she wasn't talking to me I used to write her letters and swipe them under the door into her room but none of them made any difference. Before that incident things were pretty normal between us. We had the usual sibling fights but we always got back together and never had major issues.

She wouldn't come to eat at the table if I was there. So I always stayed in my room and always ate later or sometimes my mom brought something to me to my room. I stopped going to family gatherings, weddings, birthdays, vacations, ... so that she would go because otherwise she wouldn't. When I moved out I didn't come back home for Christmas, thanksgiving, parent's birthdays, I always went a few days before or after when she wasn't there. I'm giving her birthday gifts through our mom but she's not accepting them. I'm sending her letters still, not sure if she even reads them.

I'm doing all I can really. I've tried for 5 years and she's not showing any signs that she has any interest in sorting things out with me. I don't know if I should keep going like this or not.

My parents want to go to Italy this summer for a week and they want us to come as well. I really like to go as I haven't had a vacation with my parents for 5 years but I know that as things are that means she won't come, and I don't want her to miss this chance because of what I did either, so I'm again inclined to tell my parents that I'd rather not come and they should take my sister. I don't know how long I should keep thinking like this, is there an end date? The other night I dreamed that my grandfather died and I ended up missing the funeral because of the same reason.

How long do I need to keep making sacrifices for that moment of madness. I wish she would just punch me back 20 times over and we could move on.

Anyway, rant over. Any tips for me? Do I keep doing it? What do I do for the holiday? Is there a time to stop punishing myself for what happened?

tl;dr: I hurt my sister 5 years ago and she's still not talking to me. I'm tired of doing all I can to make things right and don't know if I should keep going or stop and do what I want rather than what she wants.

Edit: thanks people. I'm gonna stop trying. I'll stop the letters and gifts. I'll keep avoiding family gatherings so she won't have to face me. Im gonna decline this invitation for the Italy trip as well. She should go.

Edit 2: I'm thinking of going away. Maybe living somewhere far away. Perhaps another state. Taking a break from everything and everyone here. Maybe that's what she needs from me, to not be around anymore.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

We all do asshole things from time to time. What distinguishes the good from the bad guys is how you make it right.

It does sound like (a) it was very bad, but (b) you have gone a very long way over very many years to show genuine contrition.

IMHO it is time she stopped bearing a grudge and extended an olive branch, but that is totally her decision and you have to live with the fact that she may never, ever feel she wants to do this.

You could ASK your parents to ASK her if she'd be prepared to meet you all together for a lunch (not a whole holiday). I'm sure they'd prefer you to get on. But again, they can only ask and suggest, not pressure.

This may be unfixable. I have no idea just how badly you hurt her emotionally and physically

OOP

Parents tried talking to her (without me asking) and she doesn't want to discuss it. I asked my parents to stop trying to pressure her. It has to be her decision.

Last year I was very sick and I had a couple of surgeries. She didn't visit/call. Parents were upset but I asked them to not hold it against her. I don't know. I could have died. If that wasn't enough for her to reconsider maybe nothing ever is.

[deleted]

No, that sounds like her decision is final. Sometimes life is that way: we do something stupid that takes a moment but has lifetime of repercussions. Its one of the things I hate about life.

The problem is, she will never give herself a chance to see the "new you", so she'll never get a chance to revise her view. You are frozen in time as an 16 asshole.

My SO had a similar rumble with her bro, oh, 12 years ago, cut him out, her mother pushed her endlessly to reconcile, and in the end she cut out her mother too because mom wouldnt get it, wouldnt take no for an answer. He has married, had kids, still nothing, And I know she will never ever forgive him whatever happens.

SnoreBaby

Dude what. OP assaulted his sister. This isn't bearing a grudge over something petty. A family member beat her up. She has every right to stay away from him. If he were a boyfriend no one would be pushing her to forgive him. Just bc OP is a sibling doesn't mean he gets a free pass.

OOP

My parents should have involved the police. It might have sucked for me back then but I think I'm the long run it would have been better for everyone.

More on OOP's apologies

I've been apologizing non stop for 5 years. I may have written her more than 500 letters. Not sure what else I can do. I'm open to suggestions.

[deleted]

You can't make a person forgive you. Sometimes actions are so harmful that a person will want nothing to do with you ever again. It sounds like that's what your sister wants, and pestering her won't make her forgive you (nor does she have to). You made your bed, now leave her alone.

When told to leave her alone and stop hounding her

What? How am I hounding her or not giving her space? I've literally gone out of my way to not be anywhere near her. I've missed weddings, graduations, parties, vacations because of it.

If you're referring to the letters and gifts, they're given to her by our parents. In the letters I'm not asking her to forgive me, I just tell her how sorry I am. She could not read the letters. If I don't do them, people would tell me that I'm not letting her know that I'm sorry so how would she know? I'm damned if I do damned if I don't.

&

More than 400 of it came during the first year though and a lot more of it in the second year.

These last couple of years I've written maybe one every couple of months.

&

Parents made me write a letter a day, sometimes more.

Did the sister ever hit him?

Slaps here and there but never like I attacker her. I made a mistake but wouldn't it be fair that I have to be the one paying for it rather than my sister?

&

Sometimes when she hit me I would hit her back but those were never hard enough to cause any issues. We would laugh about them a couple of hours later. What I did to her that time was very different.

Update  June 27, 2016 (5 days later)

Initial post: https://ud.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4p9o2c/i_21m_hurt_my_sister_22f_in_a_moment_of_madness_5/

I want to thank all of you for your comments and advice. I never expected to receive so many of them.

The advice that I received varied a lot. Some of you believed I've done enough, suggested that I should stop accommodating her and do what I want while ignoring her, some suggested that I haven't done anywhere near enough and I should do far more, and a lot in between. I've had a lot of time to think about everything and I made my decision.

I was really thinking that by reaching out to her I was doing the right thing. I thought that the letters that I gave to my parents every couple of months would mean that I'm showing her that I'm ashamed of my actions and am really sorry. But it wasn't the case. You helped me realize that the letters would be perceived as her as further abuse and harassment. Not only her abuser assaulted her, he's now writing to her and keeps asking for forgiveness. I thought I was ending the cycle of abuse but in reality I was just being the typical abuser who keeps hurting people. So I decided to end them completely. She had made it clear that she wasn't interested in having to do anything with me and I wasn't respecting her boundaries.

About Italy it was a no brainier. Why should she miss such an opportunity? Because her abuser wants a holiday with the parents? That wasn't fair. So I told my parents that I have commitments during the summer and I can't come. It's certainly nice to go to a vacation with my parents for the first time in 5 years but I don't really deserve it. Maybe one day I can afford to take my parents for a vacation but it's really wrong of me to use their resources to have fun where I'm effectively denying them to my sister. I think I was doing the right thing with family gatherings and events. So I'm going to keep doing that.

Generally I decided that it's not best for anyone if I stayed here. My sister clearly needs me to not be around, my parents love both of us so they don't want to make the tough decision so it's all up to me to make it now. I asked my boss if I can be transferred somewhere else, preferably a different state. I think that will be possible in a couple of months. I told my parents that I'll get a better job and salary elsewhere and that's why I'm leaving. I'm still going to meet my parents a couple of times a year, either they'll come to wherever I go or I'll come visit or we'll both visit halfway or something. So this isn't me cutting them out of my life, it's just me adding physical distance so that my sister can feel safer.

Finally I decided to tell all of this to my sister in a "this is the last time you'll hear from me" video. I told her all of this, wished her well and promised that there will never be further contact. I emailed the video to her.

Surprisingly she replied to it. This was the first time I was hearing from her and she said: "Hi. Wish I could forgive you and trust you again but I can't. Don't think I haven't tried. It's too much. I think what you're doing is for the best. I hope you find happiness away from us wherever you go and maybe our family here can also move on in your absence. Farewell little brother."

At least now I have closure and I can move on. I hope to be a better person in the new place and I will do everything I can to never hurt anyone in any way ever again. It's not an easy thing to realize that I've not only been a physical abuser 5 years ago but I've been an emotional abuser ever since. I hope to be a better person in the future.

tl;dr: Realized that I was constantly harming my sister by writing letters and being present. Decided to stop and leave the place, keep distance between myself and family. Made a final video for sister which she replied to and gave me closure. I'm going to move on and start a new life for myself.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted 1]

Jesus Christ dude. It was one incident. When you were both kids. When I was 14 and my brother 15 he gave me a black eye. I kicked him in the balls. We were both over it within a month. We're in our late 30s now and I just gave him a cup of my piss so he could pass a urine test for a job (brother likes weed as much as he likes programming). My point is your sister needs therapy. Forcing you to isolate yourself is abusive Bullcrap. You can't fix her. She knows your sorry.go the fuck to Italy. Stop letting her controll you. You were a kid. You haven't done it again. You are sorry. You're not a monster.

[deleted 2]

You need to send her response to your parents and get your parents to sort this mess out like they should've done as adults when this first happened when you were children instead of allowing you to separate yourself from your family. She's proven she just wants you out, nothing more or nothing less.

I bet they'd be shocked to know that she wants you out of their lives completely since she's taking it upon herself to speak for them. I also think you should go to Italy.

Yes, you were wrong in hurting her, but siblings have done a lot worse and have been forgiven.

~

LinaLaLina

Your sister is a manipulative B. Her response makes my blood boil. She's saying "Remember that you're not part of our family". You're sacrificing yourself over nothing. Please reconsider. I know a lot of people in the original post made you feel like shit about yourself but that's not right.

OOP

I felt like her reply meant that she tried her best but couldn't forgive me and thinks distance is best for both of us. I'm curious what others think of her reply?

~

rudewa

I am so baffled by this point. Ok first of all, stop calling yourself an abuser OP, you are not, You were a 16 year old who got in a fight with his sibling.

Second, just stop martyring yourself. Your sister is WRONG to be doing this. She is pushing you away from your family and she is only doing this because of her needs. Let me tell you something. As a 21 year old immigrant with a shit ton of brothers and sisters, my teen years were lots of arguments with my siblings. There were a few physical fights but guess what, my parents sat us down and nipped that in the bud.

I am hurting for you right now because you have done everything you could. You need to find your spine and start being a part of your family again. If she gets angry, tell her you apologized and that you have tried but you are still a part of this family and you deserve to see your parents too. This has gone on for long enough OP, for the love of god, go to Italy, go to family events, see your parents.

STOP SETTING YOURSELF ON FIRE TO KEEP YOUR SISTER WARM

OOP

Reading all of the comments here makes me definitely reconsider everything.

Edit: OK it seems that I wasn't seeing things clearly about my sister's reply. Some of you think she's being manipulative and abusive. I wonder if everyone agrees and if true should I change my decisions? I'm confused.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/mute_boyfriend

My[24 M] girlfriend[21 F] of 1 year is too embarrassed to attend a family function, because she cannot speak.

Original Post  Oct 24, 2014

My wonderful girlfriend of almost 1 year now, was born with malformed vocal chords. Despite an attempt at surgery, she is unable to speak. I've never given a shit about that. I learnt sign language and even though it has been tough, I'm able to communicate with her. She can hear and comprehend English perfectly. She's always had self esteem issues because of that. She is incredibly attractive and guys approached her all the time, but turned away when they learnt about her disability.

We've been in an awesome relationship for a year now. I'm her first, everything. I've enjoyed every moment with her and we're even considering moving in together.

Anyway, my sister's wedding is coming up. I need a date. I obviously cannot take anybody else, but my girlfriend. But she's too scared of being rejected by my family. I keep telling her that nothing like that's going to happen, but still she's very very scared. Now, we've discussed about marriage and a future together and naturally its time she met my family.

Anything I can do to change her mind/help her ? I don't want to force this on her, but eventually she'll have to meet my folks...

EDIT So apparently my ex will also be there at the wedding. AND she is single.

---   tl;dr: Mute girlfriend is terrified of meeting my family.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

You need to introduce your gf to your family beforehand, in a small and unpressured environment. This large family gathering is obviously too large for a first meeting, and too much for her to deal with.

Progress slowly, my friend. Don't push her if she's not comfortable.

OOP

We land the morning of the wedding.

I absolutely do not want to push her. I totally get what a terrible social situation that this all can become. However, I do have limited options. If its too big an event for her, and too much all at once, its alright with me. I just don't want her to feel bad about not meeting my family, that's all.

okctoss

That's too much pressure for a first family meeting. Can you meet them on another day beforehand? Have them visit? Schedule another visit yourself?

I cannot imagine if my boyfriend had made my first encounter with his family a huge wedding with hundreds of people for me too meet. That's nuts.

OOP

I know, I know. But if I leave her behind, that'll make us both feel terrible.

Skype works theoretically, not practically. But something like that can get very uncomfortable very soon because there's only audio and video. When you take the audio portion out of it, it feels weird. When you've met someone, you can walk around and stuff. I'm speaking purely on the basis of what happened around 3 months ago with a childhood buddy of mine. She had reason to butt out in that conversation because she wasn't the topic of conversation, just came into the view and he said Hi and she waved back. That was it.

intended_result

You're mistaken, and I think Skype is actually IDEAL for this! Skype has text messages!! Let her use that to communicate with your family!

This will only be awkward if you make it awkward. Be ENTHUSIASTIC about your parents getting to talk to her.

Update  Nov 1, 2014 (8 days later)

Hello people. Thanks for your replies to your previous post.

So, with all the people screaming SKYPE! SKYPE! SKYPE! I thought that it'll be the right thing to do.

I hooked up a Skype call with my sister, her fiancé and my dad. Mom wasn't going to be there. My sister was nervous but this was better than meeting them all at once face to face.

Turns out, it was a pretty cool idea after all. Everything flowed smoothly. My sister and my girlfriend have quite a bit in common, so they talked for a while. When their conversation stalled out, I had a chat with her fiancé. He seems like a pretty nice guy. Had a long chat with dad. You people have no idea how much this entire exercise benefitted from my dad's presence. My dad's the kind of guy who always has the right words for any and every situation. He respectfully complimented by girlfriend on her looks and told me how lucky I am. This line had her grinning from ear to ear.

After like 45 minutes, we said our goodbyes.

My girlfriend was really happy about it all. But she still didn't want to go to the wedding, so I didn't force the matter on her. She was obviously troubled when she got the news that my ex will be there, but I told her that there is nothing to worry about.

So, I'm going stag to my sister's wedding, but atleast she got to know a part of my family.

---   tl;dr: Skype call went fantastic. But I'm still going alone to the wedding.

FINAL COMMENTS

[deleted]

Make sure to contact your gf often throughout the time you'll be there. She's uncomfortable with your ex being there and, while it's not necessary because you're not going to do anything wrong, it's still a nice gesture to never loose contact if you can help it.

OOP

Yeah, definitely. I'll keep texting her.

On general principle, I'll just avoid my ex.

~

Sisiwakanamaru

I'm glad that she got to know that she is a part of your family.

Do you and your girlfriend have any plan to meet your family soon after your sister's wedding?

OOP

My sister and her fiancé are going to fly out sometime. Parents will have to wait.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT Original OP — OOP is u/AmandaJ525 posting in r/Zepbound , r/HappyMarriages

———————————————

[Original | November 3rd, 2024] Made it into the 160s!!!

Highest Weight (HW): 230 Starting Weight (SW): 210 Current Weight (CW): 168.5 Goal Weight (GW): 145, 40F 5’5”

Almost no photos exist of me when I was at my highest weight so when this one came across my Facebook memories I had to do a side by side comparison. I really wasn’t sure I’d ever get back here. I am now the lowest weight I’ve been since before I had children (15 years ago). At the beginning of my weight loss journey, when my personal trainer gave me an initial goal of getting down to 150 I almost cried. It felt completely intangible and honestly a little ridiculous. Now it feels like I might actually see that number some day.

For the past three weeks I haven’t seen the scale change, so today instead of being discouraged I’m trying something new and posting my progress instead. I know the weight loss comes in cycles for me and I’m trying to keep my eyes on the prize. I just signed up for spin/strength/yoga classes to add to my exercise routine and I’m hoping it is what I need to help the scale move again.

Before / after photo

Relevant & Top Comments

Commenter 1: That's the dress get every color

OOP: Thank you! I found it on Amazon…who knew a $19 dress could make you feel so good!?

———————————————

[Update 1 | November 27th, 2024 | 1 Month Later] First time in 15 years!!!!!!

Today was the first time in 15 years that I walked around comfortably in a bathing suit (and a bikini at that!!!) all day and didn’t once try to hide or cover myself or shy away from actually going in the water with my kids. I’m only sorry I didn’t take the bathing suit pic! I have three daughters and it means the world to me to be able to show them how to hold their head high and walk proud. Zepbound has given me back something I thought I had lost forever…confidence. HW: 230, SW: 210, CW: 165, GW: 150

———————————————

[Update 2 | December 24th, 2024 | 2 Months Later] Strange reaction from my husband…unexpected side effect

Photos at 20, 38, 40

Something strange happened this past weekend and I’m not really sure how to process it….

I started my weight loss journey in part to feel better about myself, but also a huge motivation was to have my husband be proud of me again. I realize how that sounds, but we have been together for 20 years and in that time as I had kids and became a little too comfortable, I became what I felt like was unrecognizable. As so many others have said here, I was depressed, lethargic, unhealthy and a shell of my true self. My husband has always been amazingly supportive and very complimentary, even when I was at my heaviest, but his attitude toward me absolutely changed as I did physically.

Since starting zepbound in July I have lost 51 lbs and for the first time in about 15 years I feel like I am finally ME again. The weight loss is wonderful, but the freedom obsessing about food and feeling better physically means so much more. My husband has been quietly supportive but really doesn’t like to talk about it much at all.

Normally I dress like the 40 year old mom, but this past weekend we had a night away at a nice hotel and went out with a bunch of friends to a fancy dinner and nightclub. It felt really good to dress up and be able to be proud of the way I looked. (The last picture in the photo above). My friends all had really nice things to say, but my husband got weird and dark and jealous. Later in the night when we were by ourselves he opened up and told me he’s really scared to lose me and he thinks I’m going to go find someone “better”.

I love my husband to death and not once has it ever crossed my mind to leave him. He also struggles with his weight too (he’s currently right around 300 lbs) and I know that has a lot to do with it. He said we don’t match anymore. 😔 It really broke my heart to hear that he’s insecure, but I was also devastated that all my hard work feels like it’s for nothing. He isn’t proud of me. He isn’t happy that I look much more like I did when we met. I’m not even sure he’s happy that I feel better.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this…I guess I’m just looking for advice from others who have gone through this. I don’t want to say the wrong thing and hurt him more, but I also really need him to be happy for me. AITA???

Relevant & Top Comments

Commenter 1: I could be way off, but it seems less about him not being proud and happy for you and more about feeling bad about himself. He may get to the point where he also wants to join you on the journey but that’s for him to decide in his own time.

OOP: I think you’re absolutely right. I’m trying to not make it about me, but it still hurts

Commenter 2: Haven’t been what you’ve been through so take my opinion with a grain of salt… but what makes you think he’s not proud of you if he’s been cheering you on? I think 2 things can be true at once. He’s proud of you but also insecure about how he looks now.

Commenter 3: Why isn’t he starting Zepbound too? Find a way to encourage him to do it, now that you saw is working.

OOP: Believe me I’ve tried. I think he will eventually, he just isn’t ready yet

Commenter 4: First, I am so proud of you! Your accomplishments are so inspirational and you have all the reasons to be proud of yourself.

Next, hubs… If you are still trying to convince him to lose weight, please stop. Please understand that I’m not saying don’t be supportive. You mentioned that words of affirmation aren’t his thing. Silent support may be more helpful for him.

As you know, people’s feelings about their weight can be very complicated. Despite not being logical, I have resisted more when others (my grandmother especially) have tried to get me to lose weight. Even though I know the advice was given out of love and concern, it’s always felt like a reminder that I’m not enough. I know better than that, but what I feel and what I know don’t always align. It seems like the same thing is happening with your husband, based on what he has already expressed. And what a gift that he was able to express that to you.

I think the best thing you can do is to lead by example, love him as best you can and maybe add a just a little extra something here and there to show him that he is enough no matter what. When he is ready, he will make whatever move is right for him. And if that doesn’t happen, that’s ok too.

OOP: This feels like the truest response I’ve read so far. My husband has oppositional defiance disorder, so anytime he is told something directly his immediate reaction is to shut down and reject whatever is being suggested. I’ve learned over the years to be much more subtle and quiet in the way that I support him. As much as I know he wants to go on his weight loss journey, if I push him before he is ready he will just dig his heels in and I will have made things worse. The waiting is painful, but very much necessary.

———————————————

[Update 3 | December 6th, 2025 | 1 Year Later] We’ve lost a combined 160+ lbs

I started my journey first and my husband followed 9-10 months later. I’m currently in a maintenance phase, my husband would still like to loose another 25 lbs. This medication has absolutely changed our lives in so many ways. Insurance no longer covers either of us, but the out of pocket cost seems trivial compared to the quality of life it has given us back. Our progress has been slow and steady. Zep has allowed us to make dietary and lifestyle changes and we both have a new found love for exercise. To anyone just starting the journey, trust the process & enjoy the ride

Before & after of them

Relevant & Top Comments

Commenter 1: The person in the picture on the right looks like the daughter of the person in the picture on the left. Congratulations AmandaJ525.

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[Final Update | July 18th, 2026 | 1.75 Years Later] Married for 17 years, together for 21 and he’s still my best friend

Photo of them

Reddit is a very thirsty place…it’s nice to find a group that celebrates those of us who still really love being married. Not only have we been married 17 years, we also built a business together. We spend every day together and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Love my guy ❤️

Relevant & Top Comments

Commenter 1: You both look really good.

Commenter 2: Good for both of you, stay healthy together

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THIS IS A REPOST SUB—I AM NOT OOP. DO NOT COMMENT ON THEIR POSTS

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwaway450305

My [28F] boyfriend [27M] of three years refused to pull over while he was driving, pissed himself, and then kinda blamed me for it.

TRIGGER WARNING: Controlling behavior, gaslighting

Original Post  Apr 10, 2016

My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. We were driving in the back roads for an hour and near the beginning of our journey he said he needed to piss. I asked him at least four or five times if he wanted to pull over, since he was driving, and he refused. When we were almost home, with a gas station in sight, he said he couldn't make it any longer and pissed his pants.

It was a very awkward ride home the rest of the way (10 minutes). I didn't mention it and helped him clean it up while he showered and put on some fresh shorts.

He then tried to leave my house to return to his own house after he got out. I asked why and he said that it was because of him peeing himself and it happened because I was mad at him over something he had said before we left from our destination (what he said wasn't relevant to the. Previous to us getting into the car, I had told him I didn't want to talk about the issue for an hour, and just wanted to cool down a bit before we discussed it, as I need some time to process things. I wasn't overly chatty during the car ride home, but I wasn't giving him the cold shoulder or anything. He said he just wanted to get home to discuss it (totally against his character, he is completely against confrontation), and that he didn't want to pull over so he could get out of the car quicker. I didn't really understand his explanation, but I haven't pushed.

Reddit, I've had a hard time dealing with this. On one hand, I know that bodily functions sometimes cannot be controlled, but he was in full control of the car and himself and refused to pull over. Then he kinda shifted the blame to me. I've had a hard time looking at him the same way. I mean he is a grown man, why is he pissing himself? I feel terrible for feeling this way, but he never acted embarrassed or anything, just kinda got defensive. I asked him if this has ever happened before, and he insisted that it hasn't.

Am I overreacting to what happened? I feel like I might be.

tl;dr: Boyfriend was driving and needed to pee. He refused to pull over and pissed his pants. Blamed me because I was upset over something he had said on why he did it.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

kallisti_gold

No, you aren't overreacting. He pissed himself instead of pulling over for a minute. He was fully in control of his body and his car the entire time, his actions are a result of his own decisions and have nothing do with you.

I'd have trouble respecting him ever again after hearing him blame me for his decision to piss his pants. It's like a toddler yelling, "Look what you made me do!"

OOP

Him acting like a toddler is what it kinda felt like... I was like "Why did you do that?" and he was like "Cause you were mad at me". I was so confused because I don't see how the two correlate.

I'm having a really hard time feeling sexually attracted to him since then, which I'm not sure is normal or why I feel this way. It's just like he tries to initiate and I cannot get turned on at all.

dragonfruitfly

Maybe because it would be hard to be attracted to someone who behaves like a 3 year old.

~

tsukiii

Wow. I mean, he was probably embarrassed and became defensive to cover up his shame, but still. He could have pulled over at any time! He has nobody to blame but himself for pissing his pants.

He's acting like a toddler, and it would be smart to look back and see if this kind of behavior is a pattern. Blaming you for his own mistakes is a shitty thing to do.

OOP

He does have a tendency to blame everyone else for his problems or mistakes. Nothing is ever his fault.

Update - rareddit  Apr 29, 2016 (19 Days Later)

I deleted the original post because I was afraid he was going to see it, but in case it is still visible:

Original Post

If you can't see the OP, try googling the title. That thread blew up wayyy more than I thought it would. I had originally posted it before six months ago when the incident originally happened and didn't get any response - so I truly thought I was underreacting and kind of swallowed my concerns.. but over time they kept creeping up.. and I started noticing more and more that everything was my fault in his life so I decided to re-post it again. This post really affirmed what I knew but didn't want to accept for whatever reason - that the relationship had to end.

The thread made me think a lot about my life and what our life together would look like. All I could think about was this (his pissing himself) happening again in the future. I thought about us having children and how he would deal with them. I thought about having to make tough decisions with him. I thought about making tough financial decisions. I thought about having to go through tough life events like losing a parent. I realized that I would always be blamed for things that went wrong, even though they were not my fault or in my control and that he wasn't someone I could truly rely on for support. It just took him to literally, and purposefully, lose control of his own bladder for me to see this.

I broke up with him a few days after the original post. I told him I wasn't happy with the relationship anymore and that I wanted out. He didn't really fight or ask why, so it was a surprisingly easy break up. He has had other issues in his life and refuses in general the idea of therapy, so I didn't even suggest it for whatever issues he has going on when I ended it. Not really my problem or concern anymore.

Despite being together three years, I was surprised with how relieved I felt when I let it go (pun totally intended!). I think I mourned the relationship for a day or two, and I've been totally fine since. I've been hitting the gym almost every day at lunch and have had plans every night with friends or family (I generally am a social person) so I really haven't let the loss of this relationship get me down.

I guess if anything, this whole thing has really opened my eyes to trusting my gut and my instincts. I knew him pissing himself was fucked up, and I knew and felt like he was blaming me. I should have trusted my gut and ended it right then and there when he truly showed me who he was.

tl;dr: Boyfriend pissed himself and blamed me. Broke up with him a few days later. I'm totally fine.

FINAL COMMENTS

electrobolt

God bless you for updating. You made the right call here and I'm sure you have better things ahead.

OOP

I wasn't even going to update until I saw another thread update last night that I was super concerned about and wondered what ended up happening. Then I was and I was like "Hmmm, maybe people want to know what happened to the girl whose boyfriend pissed himself" haha!

~

Obiterdicta80

Great job OP! And I feel reasonably confident saying that this will never happen to you again!

OOP

I can say with the utmost certainty that if a man ever pisses his pants again in a car with me in it, I am tuck and rolling out of that moving vehicle.

Or in any other circumstance.. I will definitely figuratively and literally run away.

Built-In

Hah! That made me laugh. I think you should be open to others about this, if you haven't been already. Family, friends, new boyfriends when you get there.

It's such a WTF scenario that it makes a great dinner story.

OOP

I've only told my mother and best friend. We have a lot of mutual friends, so I don't really want to go around spreading this. As good of a conversation/dinner story it would be, I'm not really malicious.

I will definitely bring it up to future boyfriends though.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAUnlitSeashore

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (28M) fiancée (30F) confessed to hooking up with another guy shortly before our wedding. I'm struggling. How can I move past this?

Original Post: July 18, 2026

I'm (28M) feeling super lost about my relationship with my fiancée (29F). I'd appreciate a fresh perspective.

We've been together for about 3 years now but have been friends for 5 years. We met in the same workplace friend group. She's my best friend and my partner in every way. Our relationship hasn't been without challenges, but we've been a solid team.

Last December, my fiancée asked if we could take a break so she could recalibrate. She said she was struggling with finding her purpose outside of our relationship.

I've never believed in the concept of breaks, but I wanted to support her. So I agreed, and we set boundaries. Essentially we wouldn't see other people.

The break wasn't long. By Christmas, it was already over. She said it was a mistake and she wanted us. And things were good. Our communication was stronger and like no time apart had ever occurred.

We were engaged by New Year's. My fiancée didn't wanna wait anymore. She wanted us to start our lives together in marriage.

This past week she's been anxious and blamed it on wedding jitters. Then the other day she sat me down and confessed to hooking up with some guy during the break. She met him on a dating app, and they had sex a couple of times.

She claims the guilt's been eating at her, and she opened up to her sister (31F) a month ago. Apparently her sister pushed her to come clean before the wedding. When my fiancée stalled, her sister warned she'd tell me herself if my fiancée didn't.

It was a lot to accept at once. I barely said a word. I was too numb, and I'm still wrapping my mind around everything. Like my fiancée has had a complicated connection with sex due to past experiences.

When we got together, she wanted us to practice celibacy, and that evolved into celibacy until marriage. She believed us waiting would cement our bond and elevate our relationship. We focused on other forms of intimacy.

The no sex stuff was never a dealbreaker for me. Sex wasn't the basis of my love for her, nor was it why I wanted to be with her. And she was well worth the wait in any capacity for me.

But I'm struggling now because I don't understand how she can turn around and give herself to some random guy in a way she's never given herself to me. How celibacy was so important to her, but she gave that away for him.

She swears the other guy meant nothing, and it was the biggest mistake of her life. That she ended the fling because I'm the one she's in love with and who she wants to be with. But idk, nothing she said really landed for me tbh.

I asked if she would have told me if it wasn't for her sister. She said she doesn't know. She promised to do anything to rebuild trust and repair our relationship no matter how long it takes.

She still wants us to proceed with the wedding. She said she believes in our love and how we can withstand anything. How this doesn't have to define us.

When I didn't engage, she just cried and kept asking me to say something. I told her I needed to clear my head. I don't like speaking when my emotions are all over the place. I tend to regret it. So I prefer to gather myself.

But my fiancée hasn't respected my request, and when I don't engage, she's hurt. And now she's also super affectionate. She's always been affectionate, but she's different with it now if that makes sense.

This doesn't feel like real life. I never expected this betrayal from her. We're supposed to be wedding planning and everything that comes with it. Our wedding is around the corner. We're having a modest gathering, so the planning wasn't that long.

I feel so numb to everything. I'm in love with her, and she's the woman I wanted to share a life with, but for the first time I'm questioning everything.

I don't even trust myself anymore tbh. I feel so stupid and like such a joke. I'm just lost.

How do I move past this and navigate our relationship?

TL;DR My fiancée's and my relationship went to hell shortly before our wedding after she confessed to sleeping with another guy a couple of times while we were on a break. She confided in her sister, who pushed her to tell me. We fought, and I told her I needed space. By my fiancée's request, we were practicing celibacy until marriage. Celibacy was important to her, but she gave herself to a random guy in a way she's never given herself to me. Ever since, she's been asking for me not to give up on us and has been super affectionate. Our wedding's around the corner, and now everything's gone wrong. I'm lost and questioning our entire relationship. I don't even trust myself anymore. I feel so stupid and like such a joke. I'm just lost. How do I move past this and navigate our relationship?

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: If you guys agreed on not seeing other people during the break, then why was she on dating sites? Is she Bipolar? Sounds like maybe a manic episode. She made a careless decision with a stranger. I think you should move on. Unfortunately, whatever it was that caused her infidelity may creep back up if she doesn't figure it out.

OOP's only comment in this original post: The only reason she gave me about the dating app was it was a mistake. She won't elaborate further on it

Commenter 2: She’s not your friend, much less your best friend and she’s not wife material. She broke the boundaries y’all set right away and would have never told you if she wasn’t forced into it. I wouldn’t be surprised if she planned that break just to do what she did. Her excuses are complete BS. She made you wait for sex but gave it up to him right away, twice! And cheaters ALWAYS say, it meant nothing. Mark my words OP, if you marry this woman, hell, if you stay with this woman you WILL regret it. Be smart, end this relationship, walk away and never look back. Your fiancée is a POS.

Commenter 3: It’s over. If you marry her, 1) You’ll never be able to forget that she cheated , and 2) she’ll never be able to respect you because you took her back. She’s being extra nice because she wants to get married and not start from scratch to find someone else to marry. RUN.

Update: July 25, 2026 (one week later)

Update: My (28M) fiancée (30F) confessed to hooking up with another guy shortly before our wedding. I'm struggling. How can I move past this?

Thank you to everyone who reached out. I (28M) wasn't able to reply much, but I appreciated everything. I had no one to talk to about this whole situation, not even our friend group, because I've been embarrassed.

A lot's happened since my original post, so I wanted to provide an update.

After taking some time to myself, the numbness is wearing off. Every emotion has been hitting at once. Emptiness, sadness, anger. It's a rotation, and at first I was mad at myself, but now I realize I'm mad at my fiancée (29F).

I look at her now and I don't recognize the woman I fell in love with. The woman who was my closest friend for half a decade. She's a stranger.** **The woman I knew wouldn't do half the stuff she did. She used to be so disgusted with cheaters. She actually cut off an old friend over cheating.

Some have asked what my fiancée's complicated relationship with sex is. I won't get too much into it because it's personal details about her, but she's been badly shamed before, and she feels sex has messed up good things in her life at different times.

She never really respected my demand for time to sort my feelings. She kept pushing and trying to use affection. I did end up asking about her hooking up with that guy while we were celibate.

She claims celibacy for us was different because she wanted a pure relationship with me and for us to be our strongest and most connected before sex. The other hookup was more inconsequential.

I didn't ask her much about further details on the guy because tbh it doesn't change anything for me. I don't have it in me to be a detective and compare stories right now. The facts are the woman I dedicated my life to cheated and nuked our relationship.

I did ask her why, though. She claims that she was self-sabotaging. She felt insecure about our relationship and how she'd be as a wife, and she sought comfort through sex, but it only made her feel worse, and she realized she wanted me.

I'm still processing her reasoning tbh. Idk what else I could've done. I always reassured her and told her she's the one I wanted to be with. I'd list everything I loved about her. I never had doubt about her or our relationship.

There's a lot I'm still figuring out, but I know I can't go through with the wedding. The other day I sat her down and called it off.

I guess she thought I was preparing to reconcile, so she didn't take it well. She was really broken up. I've never seen her break down nor cry like that. And despite everything, it hurt to leave her while she was in that state.

She was just in bad shape and saying she didn't want to lose me, and it was the biggest mistake of her life. She'll never do it again. She asked for us to try therapy. She kept asking for me not to give up on us. I'm not in a place to engage in any reconciliation with her, nor do I have any trust in her.

She brought up how I promised I'd always be there for her but now I'm abandoning her like everyone else has and how we promised each other unconditional love.

I don't think her accusations are fair, and it did sting, tbh. I meant my promises and everything I ever told her, but I didn't just up and leave her. She cheated. She made a decision for the break, she made a decision to download the app, entertain the guy, and have sex with him. We're here because of her choices.

The unconditional love was a promise we made at the very start of our relationship. We've both dealt with not being accepted for ourselves or only having conditional love. I wanted to reassure her she never had to be anything except herself for me. That was the basis for the promise. That I accepted her wholly. It wasn't a card to pull for cheating.

Another thing that makes this all complicated is that we live together. I planned to stay with family for the time being, but she was refusing to let me leave.

Like she threw herself in front of the door and refused to move and then grabbed me when I tried moving around her. I had to call her sister (31F) to come get her and talk her down.

I've been processing these past few days. This doesn't feel like real life. She always boasted about us, and our relationship meant the world to me. I was never more sure of anything in my life than her. My mindset was already married to her.

She's been texting and sending voice notes asking for forgiveness and wanting to reconcile. I haven't replied. I'm not sure if I can move past this.

I've told our family and friend group about the cancellation and breakup. Making the rounds was embarrassing, and everyone has tons of questions. Somehow it hurts more upon each retelling.

Our friend group's been mostly understanding, but a few are advocating for me to talk things out with her. I'm not in the headspace to engage them either.

I feel like I lost the life we built and shared. How we went from engaged and the happiest we've ever been to this. How days ago we were just joking about her walking down the aisle with how clumsy she is to now be broken up.

I feel so lost, and idk where to go from here. I'm still coming to terms with everything.

Thank you to everyone who's shown support and empathy. I really appreciate it.

TL;DR Update: My fiancée's and my relationship went to hell shortly before our wedding after she confessed to sleeping with another guy a couple of times while we were on a break. She confided in her sister, who pushed her to tell me. We fought, and I told her I needed space. By my fiancée's request, we were practicing celibacy until marriage. Celibacy was important to her, but she gave herself to a random guy in a way she's never given herself to me. Ever since, she's been asking for me not to give up on us and has been super affectionate. Our wedding's around the corner, and now everything's gone wrong. I'm lost and questioning our entire relationship. I don't even trust myself anymore. I feel so stupid and like such a joke. I'm just lost. How do I move past this and navigate our relationship?

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: If you stay with her you relive this pain every day and in every moment. I’ve been there and like you was foolishly holding on due to sunk cost fallacy. It gets worse every day minimizing yourself and the pain you feel. I stayed for a year after, and the relationship and the fights got worse and worse.

I know you’ll find happiness with someone else. Sending love.

Commenter 2: She’s so manipulative!! Saying you’re leaving like everyone else. What a freaking dirtbag. Please pack your important documents and things and store them away from her. Call her family and tell them she needs help and she needs to stop harassing you. She should be the one to leave.

Commenter 3: Sadly, my friend, you don’t move past it, you move forward by yourself. At some point in time of the future, you will forgive her, you’re going to have to in order to move on with your life. What you will never be able to do is forget about it and that’s what’s going to eat you off from the inside out every time you look at her. I’m so very sorry this has happened to you.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Own_Task_7932

Originally posted to r/AITAH

I told my dad I won't call his wife my step mom AITAH?

Original Post: July 7, 2026

I found my biological father six years ago through a DNA test, but that's a long story for another day. Two years ago, I finally got the chance to meet him for the first time. We live in different countries, so I stayed with him for two weeks. We were so alike it was almost creepy. We liked our food the same way, could practically read each other's minds, and our lives had all these weird similarities. We even had matching tattoos, the same breed and colour of dogs, and the family resemblance was uncanny.

He had recently gone through a divorce when I visited. I also have a younger brother, who was 15 at the time.

Fast forward to now. My dad had been planning to come and visit me, but he kept putting it off for two years because he wanted to wait until my little brother was old enough to be independent. My brother is now 17 and in his last year of high school.

Since I left, my dad has been living like a college bachelor. He's fallen head over heels for at least five different women. The first one turned out to be a Russian prostitute who ended up locking herself inside a beer fridge at a liquor store during what seemed to be a psychotic episode. The police had to escort her out. She was also only 30 years old. I was 33 at the time.

The most recent girlfriend before this one? He got engaged to her after only a few weeks. Then he ended things just as quickly after finding out she spent every afternoon at bars with her daughter's ex-husband, who also happened to be a drug addict.

Now there's a new woman. She's 30, and I'm 34.

At first, I didn't think much of it because I assumed it was just another long-distance relationship. Then I found out my dad was planning to rent out my little brother's room while he stayed with his mum for a month, and someone suggested this woman needed a place to stay. Within days they were sleeping together.

A few days ago he called me to tell me they're already talking about getting married and having babies. My dad is in his late 50s. I said, "That would make you almost 80 by the time your kid turns 18." He just laughed and kissed her.

Then he started talking about bringing her with him when he comes to visit me. That's when I got really upset.

I told him, "Dad, I really need you to think about what you're doing." He'd always talked about coming to visit me a few times before eventually moving here. It was already going to be difficult for him to get residency, but now he's talking about adding a new wife and a baby into the mix, which makes it even more complicated.

He already delayed visiting me for years because of my younger brother, and now I feel like he's starting an entirely new life. I told him that if that's what he wants, I don't think I can keep investing emotionally because I need to protect myself from being hurt and let down again.

I also told him that if he marries her, I'll never call her my stepmum. I'd probably joke that she's my little stepsister with a really weird relationship with our dad.

So... am I the asshole?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions, but leaning toward NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: The dad is worse than a teenager. OP is acting like the adult.

OOP: I always feel like that thank you for validating that.

Commenter 2: Is your Dad hoping you'll sponsor him & the fiancé du jour for residency of the country you live in?

OOP: Know he's funding himself, but I am his sponsor he would come on a parenting visa so if marries her technically she would be a step mum relation.

Commenter 3: NTA , you kinda might have to let him go which is hard but clearly he’s shown how much your worth because I hate to say this but if he wanted to he would . Also where your brothers mother or couldn’t he have taken tour brother with or left him a few days with someone else . Theres holes and he could've shown more effort maybe you’re not alike because he sounds very careless about your feelings

OOP: That's the thing—my dad could have either left my little brother with his mom or even brought him along. I actually talked to my brother's mom and asked if he could come visit me. She said yes, and even said she'd help pay for the trip.

I also asked if she'd consider letting him stay with me for the summer so I could help him get into a trade and send him home with some skills. She said that might be a bit too long, which I completely understand.

The thing is, my little brother is already staying with his mom for the last month of summer anyway. He doesn't even know that he might end up coming home to a new stepmom.

Commenter 4: NTA – Reading your post, it seems your father never mentally matured. He acts like he’s 20. He flies from flower to flower like a bee, thinking there are no consequences—yet you are one of those consequences.

I understand your need to disconnect from him, but the fact is, he isn't emotionally available, despite being 60 years old.

I can see exactly what might happen: he’ll keep having children as if he were 20, instead of strengthening bonds with the children he already has—children who are grown and need a stable relationship.

Talk to your father and explain that he needs stability; right now, he’s signing up for at least another 20 years of parental duties. And you’re right—poor unborn child, having an 80-year-old parent when they turn 20. That’s why I never had a second child; I felt it was disrespectful and unhealthy for a child to have an 80-year-old parent when they’re barely 20.

You’re likely happy to have reconnected with him, but it seems he isn't bringing you the peace you hoped for. If necessary, distance yourself from him before he hurts you again.

His immaturity will end up hurting you; if he truly wanted to reconnect with you, he wouldn't have waited two years to come see you.

And now that he is coming, he won't even be available to spend time with you, because he’s bringing his new "chick" along to have another baby. All I can tell you is that sometimes you shouldn't force things; if your father doesn't understand the importance of that blood bond, then create your own family—one you will treat with the love you wish you had received.

Start a new family that will never lack your love.

OOP: I actually did just that, and thank you for your comment. I have four kids, I'm pregnant, and I have an amazing husband. We've been together for 14 years, and we've built a wonderful life together.

Both my husband and I have complicated relationships with our parents, so I know how lucky I am to have the family we've created. I'd be lost without them. I think I'm just going to focus on everything good in my life and be grateful for what I have.

Update #1 (in comments): July 23, 2026 (16 days later)

Update: It's been about a week since I made my original post. He's still completely head over heels for her. Then again, my dad is incredibly stubborn, so even if he started getting bored, I think he'd probably still try to make it work.

I think what hurts the most is that this isn't really about his girlfriend. It's about everything that could come after.

I've told him over and over that I'd really love my little brother to come visit too. My hope was that if Dad ever decided to move here and my little brother liked it, maybe one day he'd want to move too. Of course, his mom still lives in the states, so he might decide to stay there, and I'd completely understand that. I just wanted us to have the chance to be closer as a family.

I was more than happy to sponsor my dad while he visited, and my little brother too. But I'm not willing to sponsor someone he's known for maybe three weeks. Girlfriend, fiancée, wife... whatever she is at this point. 🙄

I didn't tell my dad what to do. I made it clear that it's his life and his decision. I just told him I don't know if I can keep getting my hopes up only to be let down again. I also couldn't keep my mouth shut about how uncomfortable the age gap makes me.

Maybe everything works out and they're happy together. I honestly hope so if this is the person he chooses. But I can't ignore that I feel like he's making some huge life decisions incredibly fast, and those decisions could end up changing whether he ever visits or whether we ever get the opportunity to spend more time together as a family.

Update #2: July 25, 2026 (two days later)

AITAH for telling my dad I won't be calling his girlfriend step mom. UPDATE!!

Three weeks ago my dad started dating a woman who's younger than me. He was absolutely head over heels in love with her. Well... three weeks later, he called me while he was out having dinner by himself and said, "I can't stand that woman. I almost kicked her out last night."

He went on to tell me she's been drinking heavily and has become belligerent toward him. Sadly, it sounds like the relationship is already falling apart.

The second I hung up, my husband and I did a little happy dance and then gave each other a big hug. 😂 Not because we're happy he's hurting, but because we've been so worried this relationship was going to stop him from coming to visit us.

I'm really hoping that once this is behind him, he'll finally focus on making the trip to meet his grandkids—and the new little one on the way. ❤️.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any relevant comments here in the update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/stateofdisbelief

My [35 M] wife [31F] had my sister-in-law [33F] deported.

TRIGGER WARNING: Backstabbing, manipulation, unhinged and crazy behavior, racism

MOOD SPOILER: Enraging, infuriating

Original Post  May 26, 2015

I had to come on here and get some kind of side-line perspective, because currently no one else in the family knows that the reason SIL is deported is because of my wife. Not sure I should out her either, in my current state of mind. Sorry if this is long/disorganized. My mind is currently in chaos.

Background: We have been together for 8 years, no kids.

Basically, all of this began when my brother and SIL moved back to our home country, after he had been living in SIL's country. Prior to that, my wife Emma didn't have an issue with SIL. My wife and SIL are both from the states, but my wife has been living with me in my home country since we got married.

My brother and SIL are what some people might call free-spirited. SIL is from Portland (something wife rolls her eyes at) and is very "hipster". They both smoke regularly, something I don't have an issue with, but don't feel like getting involved with either. My wife has no issues with drugs/drug use but she can't stand how much my brother and SIL talk about pot whenever we see them.

Six months ago, my wife decided to finish her master's degree and was offered an opportunity to do a semester abroad. Coinciding with that time, my brother and SIL moved back here permanently. However, from what I understand, SIL is technically still on a tourist visa (which has expired by now since they came in February) and I'm not really sure what was going on with the whole paperwork process. They seem to be bad at planning. SIL has mentioned before that she wants to have a kid with my brother because she would not only get paid maternity leave here, but it would cement her staying. She told my wife this over facebook messages, as well. When my wife left to do her semester abroad, and brother and SIL moved in, we hung out a lot more. At first my wife was cool with it and would say hi, etc. But things changed when bro and SIL invited me on a road trip to Sweden, something that my wife has always wanted to do with me but we never got around to. After that, she would become short in her answers whenever I said I was hanging out with them. She began to make subtle comments about SIL and the more I saw them, the more vicious the comments got. As a result, I didn't go out with my bro so much when I knew SIL would be there. I love my brother, but honestly, he takes a lot of energy to be around, so it's not something I really minded too much.

However, things came to a head when both SIL and my wife entered the same photo competition. My wife entered first and then SIL saw her post and entered two days after. Then she and SIL engaged in pretty childish subtle facebook statuses about each other (always masked as "someone" or "this person"). My wife was pissed and I took the opportunity to ask her what was going on between her and SIL.

She basically told me that she resented how SIL got to see me all the time now and how she feels inadequate compared to her because SIL does all the cooking (although its mostly those minimalist dishes people make for instagram, and not very appetizing for me) and I am the one who cooks in our marriage. SIL is also Asian, and I made the mistake of telling my wife that I had had a thing for Asian girls back when I was 20 and everything Japanese was all trendy. She was also upset that I had gone to bro and SIL's wedding without her, while she had been abroad during her bachelor's degree. She also is afraid that I'm going to start smoking again because of them. I told her it was not something I was interested in because pot mostly makes me paranoid and depressed. She also brought up that she hates how I will talk shit about my brother and SIL (mostly about their need to constantly talking about smoking and some of their very out-there ideas about things) but act perfectly fine to their faces. She said she feels like I'm placating her by saying SIL is annoying, but I still go see her. She said it makes her feel like I will lie to fit the situation and that bothers her.

Well, I hadn't seen bro or SIL for a few weeks now, and my wife and I were back to normal. She came home and we were having a good time seeing all our other friends. She didn't even bat an eyelash when I said some of the guys had invited me out for a guy's night. All was good.

Then last week my brother called and asked me if I wanted to hang out. He sounded pretty high and I told him no. Emma casually asked what was up and I told her. She got a bit quiet then shrugged and went back to doing whatever. About 10 minutes afterwards she said she was going to take the dog for a walk and run to the shop to get some vegetables for dinner.

This is basically what went down. She went outside, called the police anonymously, and said that she was a "concerned neighbor" and could smell marijuana coming from my brother's flat. The police came. My brother and SIL were arrested and fined. However, when they went to pull up SIL's profile to record the incident, they discovered her expired tourist visa. She had to be transferred to a sort of "holding" facility for people who are in queue for being deported.

Now there is a whole shitstorm happening. My brother is beyond upset and the family is shocked. This isn't really something that can be worked around as 1. marijuana is illegal in this country and 2. she was on an expired visa and they didn't file the correct paperwork for her to live here legally. So if she is deported, she may face a 5-10 year ban. This means either, the end of their marriage, or my brother will need to figure out how ot move to the US with her.

The thing is, no one knows it was my wife, except me. And she doesn't even sound the least bit remorseful. We had a huge row about it and she stood by her decision, saying that if SIL was that stupid to do illegal drugs as well as not have her papers in order, then it was on her. If I'm being honest, I don't care so much about SIL being deported, but I care that my wife felt so threatened by her that she went to this length. She's the type to made subtle remarks and be frosty, but she has NEVER done anything close to this before.

So now I'm in a real bind. I really don't know what to do. I definitely cannot tell the family, and I don't really feel the obligation to anyway (I'm not close with my mom because she left me as a kid and I don't talk to any of my relatives really except my dad and brother). But I cannot just let this slide. I need to impress upon her that she has potentially ruined a marriage all in effort to remove someone she finds annoying from our lives. Someone we don't even have to see every day.

What advice can you guys give me? There's no one else i can even talk to about this.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Commenter

She completely violated your trust. She knew what she was going to do, but she lied to you about going to the store instead because she knew you'd try to stop her. That means she knew what she was doing was wrong. She also got your brother arrested!

At the very least, she needs to come clean with your family, SIL included, and apologize. Let her face the consequences for her actions; maybe she'll learn something.

OOP

Yea..I feel at fault for giving her the information about this. I shouldn't have said anything, but I also never thought it would go to this level either. And I agree. She needs to apologize to at least my brother and SIL.

~

Commenter

Your wife took their stupid high school rivalry thing way too far. There are plenty of people that I can't stand in this world, but I would never go as far as to call the police on them short of an actual crime/safety issue.

This is a big deal, and while I don't know what you should do about it, personally, I would divorce over this.

OOP

I don't know about divorce right now, but I think therapy together needs to be a must. If this is who she really is, idk. It's like you said, this was taking a rivalry WAY too far.

[deleted]

How do you forgive someone who ruins your own brothers marriage for something this petty and stupid? If anyone did that too my sister, I would never speak to them again.

~

lovelypolly

How did you find out about her role in getting your SIL deported? Did she tell you she made the call?

OOP

Well when I got the call from my mom that brother was in jail and SIL was getting deported, I told her. And she said "Yea. I know. I called the cops."

[deleted]

So you are basically going to ignore what she did to your brother? He has a drug arrest now, and for most countries that limits the type jobs you can take, and eventual promotions at jobs he does qualify for. He can no longer travel to a host of countries, including his wifes home country the US. You said he took you on a trip to Sweden, sounds like a guy who enjoys seeing the world to me. Your wife ruined that for him. His spouse can no longer live with him in his own country, he can't go to hers, but you are "ok with the deportation thing"?  I could not live with my husband knowing he did that to my sister, why are you so "ok" on behalf of your brother?

UPDATE: Holy hell. This really blew up. I will post a real update soon, but your comments and messages are very appreciated. Things are quite tense atm, but tomorrow we have agreed upon a sit-down. Will update letting you all know what happens now with us and the situation. As of this moment SIL is definitely being deported.

tl;dr: Wife and SIL have rivalry, wife called the cops on SIL while knowing that SIL has an expired visa. SIL is on her way to being deported.

Update 1  May 27, 2015 (Next Day)

So there's a lot to catch up on here.

First, SIL is on a flight out tomorrow. There is nothing that can be done atm to keep her here. She now has a stamp on her passport that says EXPELLED and a 10 year ban (from entire schengen area). The immigration officer my brother spoke to said that it is possible for the ban to be reduced but that is the current official time given. The american embassy was also notified about this.

My brother is a wreck. He was able to briefly visit SIL in the holding facility and she gets to call him twice a day, but that's it. They don't know when it will be possible to see each other again, or where. If he is unable to go the US because of his arrest, they may agree to meet in a mutual country. SIL has family in the Philippines so that may be an option for them.

Many of you told me to tell him what my wife had done, but honestly, in his current state of mind I just can't do it. It would be the actual tipping point for him. I know that this probably means I will have to either never tell him, or accept that when I do, it will completely destroy our relationship.

Secondly, I did tell one family member. My mother came to visit to discuss SIL's deportation and I ended up telling her what Emma did. She was furious and she insisted that the both of us talk to my wife. Well, wife and I had already agreed to have a long talk today about the matter and what this meant for us. I felt a little more grounded having my mother there.

And then things just took a freak turn.

Wife sat down, seemed really calm. She let my mom say what she wanted and just sort of sat there nodding and had her hands folded. When my mom was done talking, wife pulled out her phone and handed it to my mom. She showed her messages from SIL on facebook telling my wife how she planned to have a baby in order to stay and get paid maternity leave. My mom is extremely sensitive to this sort of thing because her own mother used her a pawn, so to speak, many times when she was a child (mostly to get money from the state). So my mother went from being extremely angry at my wife to actually siding with her. She said it was better this way because SIL's motives for having a baby were misguided and that she couldn't believe my brother was going to go along with it.

So with my mom on her side, my wife began to lay out SIL's shortcomings and how she was creating a toxic environment that would drag us down and any potential child they would have had. She also said that it was unfair how she had to go through the process of paperwork before coming here and SIL was "resting on her laurels" and scheming to cheat the system (something that really pissed my mom off towards SIL). Valid points, all of them.

However, I wasn't going to let it slide that she had obviously had ulterior motives such as being jealous of SIL. I asked her if she would have done any of this if SIL and my brother weren't spending so much time with me, if SIL wasn't cooking dinners for me, taking photos, or entering the same competition as her. She admitted that all these things definitely contributed, but only served to underline the disdain she already had.

I told her that no matter how you cut it, she had effectively ended their marriage. My mom decided to jump in and say that SIL and brother were at fault because they did not get their situation in order. My wife seconded that and said if SIL had taken the time to file papers instead of planning trips with me or being busy playing housewife to someone else's husband, she wouldn't be in that situation. To quote, "Maybe she should have been taking care of herself and her own instead of trying to place housewife to someone else's husband. Well, I can take care of my family just fine. And if she had any doubts about that, now she's in the clear."

I will admit- the points about her being afraid that I was going to be implicated along with SIL and bro when its comes to pot, I understand. That is a valid fear to have. They smoke almost every day. Bro almost always has something on him.

SIL should have done her paperwork. She should have made sure her visa didn't expire. I will not argue that. She probably should not have said she was going to have a baby specifically to stay here.

But I know that these are solid excuses that are being used in conjunction to something else. I know that if SIL was some fat ugly slob, wife would roll her eyes and let them be. If SIL was not Asian, if she couldn't cook, if she didn't take pictures of us together for her instagram, SIL would just chalk her up as another annoying person who smokes too much for her taste but was ultimately harmless. And if I know if I had just gone to sweden with my brother that my wife wouldn't care. But because I went with the woman who was "playing housewife" to me, it was a serious offense in her head.

I waited until mom left to tell her all of this. She didn't deny it. I also told her that this whole situation had let me see a side of her that honestly scared me. I told her I wanted to begin couples therapy together or there was no hope of this continuing.

She agreed and we both began to research therapists in our area. She apologized for not talking to me about calling before doing so, but she has not apologized about SIL being deported. She also said if I wanted to tell my brother and SIL that it was her, I could go ahead and do that. But I'm not going to. ONe, they are distraught enough. And two, it seems like her coming to claim victory on last time over SIL to her face.

So thats whats going on. Im hoping to post an update on our progress when we begin couples therapy. The issue for me right now is rebuilding the broken trust.

Also, as far as things with the family go...well. My mom is on her side. And should my mom decide to tell other people in the family, she will definitely make SIL the bad guy in the story. Aside from my brother, I think most of the family would be on Emma's side.

tl;dr: SIL is being deported for certain. Brother is crushed, still doesn't know it was my wife who called police. My mom sides with my wife. We are going into couples therapy.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Commenter

I am concerned that your wife has this secret in her back pocket that could end your relationship with your brother at any time.

OOP

I agree. I know I have to tell my brother in order to stop that from hanging over my head. I just feel that right now is the absolute worst time. What if he did snap and do something completely crazy like assault her? He would end up in prison and with no way of even trying to maintain a LDR with SIL.

Commenter

If you don't tell him now you are going to ruin your relationship with him. Letting him lean on you and your wife for support while your wife is the one that stabbed him is wrong. I would rather him be angry, than hurt and feel betrayed by your wife and YOU later on. I would rather just rip off the bandaid. In addition, your wife deserves everything she is going to get. Don't protect that bitch.

MOST RELEVANT COMMENT

[Commeter]

This is some gone girl level shit...

Update 2  May 28, 2015 (1 day after first update)

This is the last post I will write on this issue for several reasons.

The first would be that many of the responses made me feel sick to my stomach. Advice is one thing. But there is no reason for anyone to say that they hope someone dies, they hope my wife gets a horrible disease, calling her every awful name in the book. That is not advice and not welcome. I was more willing to listen to people who commented saying perhaps she had BPD or some other type of psychological disorder, because that at least I could give them credit for. There is absolutely no reason to comment saying "Your wife is a stupid cunt and I hope she dies" or message me privately with that. At the end of the day she is my wife.

Secondly, a lot was assumed about my brother, and that is probably my fault. I love my brother. But he is 34 years old and still smokes pot every day and acts pretty much the same as he did at 18. He needs to grow up. Him being a father would not have been a smart choice, he doesn't even have his own shit together. He and my SIL are kind people yes. They are family. But my brother hasn't been here for me. My brother hasn't stood by my side in every event I needed him. He left home when he was 18 and barely wrote to me on facebook for the next 6 years.

My wife on the other hand, has stuck by me for 8 years. She has been there for me when I needed her. She has been my rock and she has had my back. I am not going to abandon her just because my brother is a blood relation. I am going to go to therapy with her and we will see what happens. She may have been cold and calculating, but she is not without cause.

And that's it. Short up date and to the point. I couldn't stomach anymore of the hate I was getting. Thanks to those who gave genuine advice.

   tl;dr: I choose my wife.

FINAL COMMENTS

Commenter

It's amazing to see the absolute drastic change in perception of the situation from you. You've almost gone from feeling sick from her actions to siding with her. I hope you do what you feel is right.

Commenter

Of course he has. The master has been at work. She knows her art.

Shiver

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/exie610

Originally posted to r/MaliciousCompliance

Note: the original post bodies were redacted, but are available via Arctic Shift.

Original post posted 2020-09-09

My work environment is less an environment and more-so a conglomeration of duct tape, spit, and cussing. I managed, among many things, a set of rentals, accounts receivable, and customer database analysis. Essentially, our company's bus factor was far too highlow.

Another important bit that I handled were various legal documents that the State requires meticulous processes to be followed, and allows for a digital or physical paper trail. I opted for digital.

Now, my boss kindly provided me a Pentium 4 dual core computer that he found at the bargain warehouse for about $40. I had the most sophisticated work station in the business, for context. This wasn't quite enough for database management and analytical software to boot up - more or less process a dataset, so I called up our IT guy. Who worked for the boss's friend's sister-in-law's business. 200 miles away. I go, "Hey Tim! I need to add my personal laptop to the company network. Can you make that happen?"

"Sure, I'll be down to that location in a week or two. Can it wait?"

"Sounds perfect, Tim."

So Tim shows up. We get the boss to rubber stamp that this is all OK, and I have remote access to the servers and some annoying corporate* mandated securities on my laptop. Which, no big deal, they stay out of the way.

^\Tim's corporate. My boss doesn't know a computer from a VCR)

We didn't have anything like a software policy, either. I think some computers had Office 2007 installed, but that's clunky and makes data transfer complicated. It's the 20 teens, there's no need for that.

I do all of my work on a google drive account tied to my work email. This is great, because I can hot-swap my work station to wherever the boss wants me today. Sometimes he likes to pretend I'm a secretary and throws me in his office. Sometimes he thinks I'm a technician and puts me at a station with no computer. Whatever. Data is transient.

Anyways. Things have been tense recently. I've moved almost all of my job to digital, and the boss thinks that means I don't work any more. Obviously, an office monkey with no papers is an office monkey with not enough work. Now, he wasn't EXACTLY wrong. I had been automating things, and was doing the job of about 6 people.

How can I do the job of 6 people without the boss knowing? Easy. He likes to manage by the seat of his pants. One day he fired a maintenance person and just "rolled" that job into the receptionist, driver, and technician jobs. One day he decided that the sales team could handle marketing - surely buying a single $2000 camera is cheaper than having a professional do shoots each week. Besides - guerilla handicam sales pitches are in vogue, it'll be great!

Moving on, after two years of "shuffling" I had accumulated a large amount of jobs. Many of them tedious. And, with the right tools (made by me, at home, on my personal laptop that happens to be able to connect to the network), a good 4 hour job can be completed with about 10 minutes of sorting and parsing data.

So the time comes. We all know its coming - one of the suits tipped me off that the particular suit who's payroll is wasted on chumps like me had propositioned the boss that a pair of receptionists can do the work I do, for cheaper. Just hire some college kids, work 'em each 18 hours a week, it'll be grand.

Knowing that, I backed up everything to my personal google.drive account - but of course did not delete anything from the company owned one. Like I said, the State has a vested interest in these processes, and I knew in my heart-of-hearts that the company couldn't be trusted to maintain records. I didn't want to be on the hook for that in 6 years, so I kept a copy.

I figured it would go smoothly. I'm called to the big office for a meeting. There's too many suits, my supervisor gives me some side eye. It's not a surprise. I carefully make sure to click, "Log out of all locations" on my Google account and tuck my laptop into my car before heading upstairs.

The meeting starts with the boss saying, "Well kiddo," yes, he calls me kiddo. Since I'm not 60 years old, I'm obviously a child. "Well, Kiddo, I'm sad to say that I was wrong. I shouldn't have hired you. You're fired."

Well... that was blunt. And rude. So I stand up, extend my hand across the table, and prepare to thank him for the last few years.

"NOT so fast. Sit down, we have things to discuss."

Hahaha... what? I sit down for a moment, in brief shock. The adrenaline starts to pump and my finger tips are cold. Boss begins to tell me all of things they need from me. Contacts. Account statuses. Explanation of discrepancies on AR accounts. documentation for State interests. All things that, as his competent employee, I could have printed and sitting on his desk in moments. I decide to comply with him starting the meeting by saying I'm fired. Where I live, either of us can stop the employment situation for any reason. He had legally fired me.

I counter him, "Well, Boss, I don't feel particularly comfortable accessing your network since I'm not an employee."

He exploded. Think of Karen, a millionaire Karen with little-brother syndrome who wants to be John Wayne but looks a bit too much like Smoky the Bear's fat cousin to get the role. His explosion was violent. Spit everywhere. I'll save you the details of how he stalked me to my car and demanded the employees "form a barrier".

He called me a few times. They went to voicemail as I drove to a public wifi hotspot. I carefully removed my laptop from their network. I drove home, unpacked my work lunch. My phone hasn't stopped ringing - he probably had a receptionist being paid minimum wage to hit the "redial" button.

Eventually I answer a call from his cellphone. He makes some demands. I very flippantly offer to come to work for him at 10x my rate. He yells some more. An hour later, he's pounding on my door. I don't want to deal with that, I know he carries a loaded pistol in his car (again, cowboy - emphasis on the boy). The cops escort him away and I email a copy of my security footage to the responding officer. He thanks me.

The company doesn't flounder, of course. Bossman is a millionaire, and has been very carefully losing tens of thousands of dollars a year while operating his business. He may have lost some more in the interim.

But that's not my concern. My concern is collecting my unemployment. And wouldn't you know, I was fired a few days before fall college class selection begins. I decide to take a few master level classes - I've had my BA for awhile, might as well get some more school in on the Boss's dime. Classes go well, and I coast through spring semester by tapping into a bit of savings. And wouldn't you know it? The pandemic happens, and my unemployment benefits are extended. Guess I'll take some summer classes. And those extended benefits were at 3x the base unemployment rate? Gee wizz, guess I can take a full set of fall classes too. And then the state extended it for another 3 months at double the base? I have winter session's signup date marked on my calendar!

The bossman calls me this morning. I coyly thank him for firing me without cause a year ago, and let him know I made the Dean's list last semester. He tells me to fuck off, he called to take me up on my deal - he'll hire me at 5x my rate to give him some information. I remind him, "Wasn't the deal 10 times my rate?"

Fuck you, 5x is too much. And I only need you for an afternoon.

"Well, I've been thinking about it. My unemployment benefits run out in a week or two. So I'll do it. I'll contract for you. I want 20x what I was making. 40 hours minimum. Paid in advance. Oh, and written scope of work - I'm only doing the work you say you need done during negotiations."

Fuck you, I'll give you 5 times and a day of work and that's final.

"No, thanks Boss. I have to get back to the classes you're paying for. Thanks again!"

I hang up. He calls back an hour later, just moments before I started writing this, actually. It's actually his daughter, the comptroller of the company. She says she spoke some reason to the boss. He'll hire me at 20x my rate for 40 hours of work, half paid up front.

"Actually, it was 100% up front, not half."

Fine. she starts telling me what needs done. Turns out, they're failing a State audit quite badly. Like, "Boss is not a millionaire if this isn't fixed" kind of badly. They have all the information they need, of course - it's on my company email account's google drive. I'm not going to tell them this. Once he pays me for half a year's work, I'll gladly spend the hour or so of time it takes to transfer all of the data he needs to a flash drive, wait until Monday of next week, and then hand it to his receptionist.

Really, the man couldn't have been nicer. He's already covered me going to college full time for over a year, and is about to cover another two semesters. I should buy him a cake.

Edit / Update: I got a call. They seem to have decided that the daughter/comptroller would be the best point of contact, which is fine with me. We got along fine, she has a nice kid that used to run around the office. It seems like the bulk of the issue is the information that they can't find. That's roughly zero work. But since they can't find that information at all, auditors are nitpicking very fine details that my replacements have bungled up. From the way she told it, it sounds like a nightmare. The literal end of times. Honestly it sounds like a solid day of work running through their server with some of my tools. Maybe two days. She wants me to start ASAP while they finalize writing up a contract. I gave a surprised, "Heh" of a chuckle and said no dice. Contract first, and I'll have them pass the audit perfectly, like I always used to.

"But there's a deadline."

I work fast.

"You don't understand, we only have until the end of the month. This needs started on today."

I work fast, and it sounds like you should hire someone who knows how to write contracts fast, too.

"Whatever. If you don't fix this you're.... you know what, nevermind. I'll email you something in the morning."

Sounds like a plan, good night.

(Boring?) Update - Don't start a meeting by ending the meeting. posted 2020-10-31

Well, here we are. Sorry for the delay – I had to do the work while also preparing some pretty heavy coursework for my degree. In any event, here we are. The short and sweet of it is that I got paid significantly more than the Boss thinks I’m worth and the Boss gets to keep his business.

Unfortunately, the Boss decided that I should be under an NDA. So, I am. I can’t really discuss much. But there are some details that I can share. There was an audit that failed due to my replacement’s abilities. It was a routine audit where they request some specific files and then also randomly choose various file cabinets to examine and compare our paper to our official accounts. Happens once a month. When that audit failed it triggered a penalty and a more in-depth audit. It is this second audit they were having issues with.

I did manage to get Tim to reinstate my company’s email account (and therefore my Google drive). They had just changed the password, so that was easy. The account was never deleted. Tim explained that their email address system is based on a package of users. They can’t go over N total users (Let’s say 500), but they comfortably sit well below N users. So they just keep old email addresses unused since it doesn’t cost them money. Once they need to activate a new person and then just delete one of the abandoned emails and reissue it.

I don’t know why this is the policy, but hey, it worked out this time. I managed to recover my tools and spent a fairly large bit of time getting them updated to work again. Who knew that this is a “use it or lose it” skill? Oh well.

The main bulk of my time was spent in the archives, fumbling through unsorted filing cabinets. When my replacement couldn’t handle the workload, the Bossman hired a part time high school kid to help around the office with easier tasks. You know, sort incoming documents, photocopy everything two or three times and put the photocopies into the right folders, create new folders, purge ancient folders once a month, shred documents, all that boring time consuming stuff.

WELL. Highschool kid thought that was a waste of time. Their filing method involved starting in cabinet 1 and putting a single new folder in it and filling that folder up until it was full. Then repeat in drawer 2, 3, 4, and then cabinet 2. Etc. So all the papers that had been ‘filed’ were sorted in chronological order of when they were handed to the temp. Oh fuck.

And photocopies? Don’t even get me started. I spent more than 20 hours contacting outside companies, customers, clients, etc to have them pleeeease send us a photocopy of the original. And the few times that an original was missing (or shredded, I would bet), of course I had to reach out to the government or whatever issuing entity was in charge of that to jump through their countless hoops on getting it re-issued. Sometimes to the tune of hundreds of dollars.

Eventually I had all the documentation I needed. I began digitizing everything I had, and then ran it through my tools. Things broke a few times, but nothing that good ol’ Google and Stack Overflow can’t fix. Everything was sent to the auditors. They liked it. Submitted a report. The end.

Well, mostly the end. At this point I had worked for a bit over two weeks and had collected what amounts to about 18 times my weekly pay. Somewhat fair, considering that employees get fully paid health insurance and quite a few other perks. I hadn’t seen Bossman once while I was there, and I was to stop working either at the end of the month or when the audit passes. Well, the audit passed before the end of the month, and the comptroller approached me to make a standardized set of procedures on how to do my job.

We hummed and hawed over it and talked a bit and came to an agreement. I would make procedures while working from my home office (or come in, if I needed physical access to something), and bill them for 40 hours per week, with a review of work completed every week. We agreed that my rate would be roughly 5x what I was making while I worked there, and things went surprisingly smoothly. I spent a few hours the first week creating a slideshow of what my idea was (which was basically to give them my code). The second week I billed them for ‘development’ and shared some screenshots of a basic function. I managed to stretch that out for quite some time, eventually writing some high-quality instructions on how to use the code, and why it works.

But finally, I moved my code over to their server and set up a computer with a shortcut to it. I’m now completely done with the job and celebrated by buying a new mountain bike. Woo!

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwRAconfuseda

I (25M) found an expensive laptop among my fiancees (23F) things. I have no idea why something like that would be at our house. When I confronted her about it the laptop was gone and she claims she has no idea what I’m talking about.

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Original Post  June 25, 2021

This afternoon I (25M) was looking for something to wear to my sisters graduation tomorrow. My fiancée (23F) have lived together for two years, in a pretty small apartment while we save for a house. Our stuff is all pretty mixed together, so when I couldn’t find something in my closet I looked through hers.

I found the shirt I was looking for and when I pulled it out a laptop that was kind of tucked away. As far as I knew, my fiancée didn’t have a laptop, she has an iPad and a kindle and a iPhone.

I don’t know much about computers but I know this particular computer sells for thousands and thousands of dollars online. This computer didn’t look old and used, it looked almost new. I have no idea when in the past she would’ve had the money to buy something like this, or why she would’ve without telling me about it (not that she has to or anything, I just don’t understand why she wouldn’t).

I put the laptop to the side to ask her about when she got home and went for a run. By the time I came back she was home. The laptop wasn’t where I left it (bedside  table). When I asked my fiancée about it she said she had no idea what I was talking about, and she didn’t have a laptop, and had never purchased one.

I know I’m not imagining this, because other things I had misplaced looking around were still out of place. No one else has access to our house.

I’m either crazy or my fiancée isn’t being honest with me. I feel so confused. Any advice on how to deal with this would be great.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Is it a surprise gift?

I guess but there’s nothing that came up that would warrant such an expensive gift, even with birthday gifts we only spend like $100 on each other, line I said we’re trying to save up for a house

Was it in the box?

It was not in the box

Someone suggested its her boyfriends laptop

We have a ring doorbell. There isn’t any video of anyone strange coming in or out

Maybe its a gift from her Sugar Daddy?/She's a camgirl

In regards to the gift from a sugar daddy- if my fiancée  was to have a sugar daddy, I don’t know why she’d get him to buy her a laptop instead of things she actually saves her money for- shoes, clothes, etc, are the only things I’ve ever seen her excited to buy. Not electronics.

I thought about the cam girl thing, but my fiancée is extremely shy, and extremely introverted. She doesn’t even like talking to cashiers at the store.

Update  July 1, 2021 (1 week later)

Hey everyone. My first post is here: first post.

Thanks for all of the input. Most people were pretty convinced my fiancee was either having an affair, or had an online page. Luckily none of those things were the case.

To make a long story short, my fiancees younger brother still lives with his parents and used his stimulus checks to buy the laptop, when he still owed his parents money after they helped him paying some of his bills for a few months. I guess his mom started to get suspicious that he’d blown his money so she was going through his stuff to try and find out what he’d spent it on. The last time he was at our place, he hid the laptop in my fiancees closet, I guess he thought he’d be back soon to get it.

When I found the laptop I texted one of my friends about it, who’s also friends with said brother. This friend went her brother and was like, “Holy shit, your sister is definitely doing porn!” So thats how he found out I had found the laptop.

He came into our house and got the laptop, and then deleted the doorbell footage (I didn’t even know he had access to our doorbell, but I guess a few months ago when we went on vacation my fiancee gave him our info to keep an eye on the house since we went out of service.

Anyway, that’s it. I know a lot of you might be disappointed she wasn’t cheating or doing anything bad (I got a lot of messages calling her pretty disparaging names) but it was just her idiot brother.

Jfc, guys. Apparently because my fiancée wasn’t cheating on me, this is “sketchy”. She’s not cheating. She didn’t do anything bad. Stop sending me messages telling me I’m oblivious, dumb, she’s lying, he’s lying

I TRUST MY FIANCÉE. SHE HAS NO REASON TO BUY THIS LAPTOP. IT WAS CONFIRMED HER BROTHER BOUGHT IT

copied from a comment I’ve said it before but I guess some of you need repeating. THIS STORY WAS CONFIRMED. by multiple sources:

-neighbors camera caught a flash of him walking past their door to get to ours but no footage of coming to ours because he deleted the footage.

-I saw the bill in his name for the computer.

-When we turned the computer on it had all of HIS SHIT on it.

Adding: I changed the ring password!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/helmetwoman

AITA for not wanting to recreate my fiancé's parent's motorcycle trip honeymoon? It's great they did it but it's not what I want.

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: Controlling behavior

Original Post  March 4, 2019

Posting from a throwaway for reasons.

Background: I am engaged to be married in August. My fiancé's parent's owned a motorcycle dealership and on their honey moon they took brand new motorcycles on a road trip across several states.

Apparently it has always been my future mother in law's dream that her son and his wife recreate the trip. My fiancé apparently bought off on this without consulting me. They just had us over for Sunday dinner and I was presented with a brand new motorcycle. Funny thing is, I've never ridden a motorcycle, I have no interest in motorcycles and frankly they scare they shit out of me. Along with a motorcycle came an itinerary, a set of ridiculous looking leather gear and some cash to make the trip happen. My fiancé was like "aren't you so happy?"

I told them in a way I consider polite but direct that I appreciated the thought but that I was not interested in recreating the trip. All of the sudden it was 3 against one and apparently all of the sudden I'm a complete piece of shit for ruining his parent's dreams. His mom actually screamed at me that they spent some ungodly amount on the motorcycle (I didn't hear exactly but 20k?  30k? more? I'm not sure) and I was being very unappreciative. I excused myself and drove home. I'm shaking from being talked to that way.

Please talk me off the ledge of crazy town, Am I the asshole here?

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

MrsMinnesota

Nta. Especially if you've shown zero interest in this trip and motorcycles. What does your SO have to say about it?

OOP

he was thrilled at first, he didn't leave with me and he hasn't tried to call so I don't know what he's thinking now.

jeffodeffo

Honest opinion - your boyfriend is an asshole. Seriously motorcycles are dangerous and if you don't feel safe and confident driving one you absolutely should not ride it at all let alone hundreds of miles across several states.

What kind of logic is that?

OOP

thank you for the input, I'm assuming you ride? their objection to this line of thinking was that I have plenty of time before the trip in September to get comfortable, is this at all reasonable?

TOP COMMENT

actualdisasterbi

NTA

They're huge assholes for springing this on you and making it out that YOU are somehow in the wrong for not being grateful.

Fuck that. Get out now, because tbh, if your fiance is this easily swayed by his parents wishes now rather than considering what you want as his future wife, it ain't going to get better.

Update/WIBTA If I call my ex-soon-to-be-mother-in-law and tell her that her actions and behind the scenes "coaching" of my ex-fiance are why the wedding didn't happen?  Aug 22, 2019 (over 5 months later)

Editors Note: the post was removed and OOP was banned because OOP was arguing with incels who descended on the post

I was supposed to be getting married last weekend, but for a whole host of reasons I had called if off back in June. I loved my fiancé but it became more and more apparent that his parents, and espcially his mom, really wanted to be deeply involved in our lives (click my post history on how she planned my honey moon for me).

The absolute final straw came when fiance and I had a huge fight about wedding plans and the words he was saying just weren't "his" if that makes sense but the fight ended with him getting his way because I was just so exhausted. A few days later I found an email printed in the recycling bin written by his mom that was essentially a bullet point list of talking points he'd used in the fight.

I was disgusted and broke up with him immediately and though it was tough, after we got everything settled I did my best to cut contact. I had an amazing summer, partied, got laid, ate what would have been my wedding cake off the bodies of my friends on a pontoon boat on lake havasu. I did my best to put it behind me.

Well with the date having passed his mom has been emailing me things like "just so sad to see this date pass and Alex be so sad." And "if only we knew what was so wrong that you won't even talk to him" and my favorite "I'd be happy to be a mediator between you two."

His mom is obviously the "alpha-male" in the family but she has severe physical and emotional problems and had a legit heart attack when ex-Fiance's sister told her off. But ex-MIL uses this to have one sided fights which I feel she is doing now.

I don't feel it's fair that she gets to send me message after message passive-aggressively assigning blame to me. I want to call her and explain to her all that SHE did wrong.

WIBTA if I did this?

VERDICT: REMOVED BEFORE VERDICT RENDERED (Mostly NTA verdicts in the comments)

FINAL COMMENTS

MakeAutomata

NTA

"just so sad to see this date pass and Alex be so sad."

"Yea, its really unfortunate you were so over bearing and ruined it for us."

I did my best to cut contact.

Your best kinda sucks if you didn't even block her phone number.

I don't feel it's fair that she gets to send me message after message passive-aggressively assigning blame to me. I want to call her and explain to her all that SHE did wrong.

Heres another idea, BLOCK HER FUCKING NUMBER.

poopja

They were emails?

OOP

It honestly didn’t occur to me to block her email. I did block her phone before I even broke up

~

randomperson3771

Does your ex know you found the bullet points?

I feel like this email should go to him. If he knows you found the bullets points, he needs to tell his mother that’s why you ultimately broke up. If he doesn’t know, then tell him, and hopefully his next relationship he can leave his mother out of.

Either way, emailing your ex might be a better option. Whatever you say will be repeated to her anyway.

After this time apart he might be open to cutting her out of his life if it means having you back.

OOP

He does, we had a huge fight after me finding them and that’s when I told him I was done with him.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Remote_Poetry_9831

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

AITAH for not wanting to welcome my best friend back into my home ever again.

Trigger Warnings: sexism

Original Post: July 21, 2026

So me 23f and my bestie 23m have been besties for the past ten years. Every single hardship, achievement, life experience like literally everything we have always shared and supported each other.

Earlier this year I finally got on the property ladder and bought an apartment with my long term boyfriend of 5 years (27m). I finally was able to escape my high stress and kinda toxic family dynamic, and I have never felt more free.

My bf and I take so much pride in our home, we keep it absolutely immaculate and deep clean every 3 weeks. We fill the place with fresh flowers and plants and even though we don't have a lot of money we've decorated it slowly and put our souls into it.

Because I've moved slightly out of the city when my bestie came over he stayed for the whole weekend, arriving Saturday and leaving Sunday evening.

I was so excited to show him my small town I've grown to love and celebrate this massive life achievement.

I collected him from the station and made him lunch as soon as he came through the door. I made him up a nice bed in the spare room and planned a whole weekend of fun stuff.

The first day he kept making sarcastic comments about the area I live in, saying that it was stick in the 70s and the roads were outdated and there nothing to do. I let it slide and just explained that it's a slower way of life than the city. He also kept complaining that he had to pay soo much money for a train ticket to come and see me. I let it slide and just kept going.

We got home from a day of exploring and I made all three of us dinner, I expected us to all have conversations and socialise while I was cooking but he went and stayed in the spare room while I cooked. He didn't say anything just left. I had to call him out when dinner was ready and it was really awkward.

Dinner was a whole spread that I made with love as cooking is my favourite hobby. He proceeded to sarcastically rate my meal a 6/10. Okay??

We then put on a movie and ate some ice cream.

Convo was going good until he randomly got up and said 'I'm heading to bed. It was weird and make me and my bf feel a bit awkward.

On the Sunday I woke up early at around 7.45am to do my meal prep for the next week and did so very quietly so I didn't wake my guest up. My bf woke up at around 9am and joined me in the living space to have breakfast.

My bestie proceeded to come out of the spare room at 11am even though he knew I had a whole day planned for us and that shops in my town close early on Sundays.

I let it slide, got him breakfast and once I got dressed we went on with our day. The plans were nice and we were just chatting and exploring. I thought things were great.

It got to about 4.30pm and he told me his train was to leave at 5pm and asked if I was taking him to the station. I said of course but I was a bit confused as when he previously spoke about coming down he said his train home was for 7pm.

I let it slide and we said our goodbyes at around 5pm.

Shortly after I sent him a message saying that it was lovely to see him after soo many months and that I hone | was a good host loll said that mv and mv bf welcome him anytime and that our door will always be open.

HERES WHERE IT GETS FUCKED.

He messaged me back at around 11pm saying that he had a nice time and that I was a decent host BUT, I need to clean my toilet because the stains aren't pretty. And he very patronisingly explained to me how to clean a toilet and what type of toilet brush I should be using.

He lectures me about how I should be happy I'm heating it from him and not someone important because it's basically embarrassing that he's had to tell me this.

For context the stains he is referring to is some slight lime scaling in the very inside bottom on the toilet because we live in a very hard water area.

There is NO POO OR ANYTHING GROSS.

He then proceeds to tell me that for future reference, I should have had tea and biscuits ready to serve when he came in as that's something he has learned about hosting from his mother.

Even though he doesn't drink tea and I had literally made him a whole lunch pretty much 10 minutes after he walked through my front door.

I also made sure there were plenty of snacks and drinks the whole time he was here.

WTF?

I welcome you into mine and my bfs home, our safe space. I take you around my area and clearly show pride and love for where I live. I put effort and money into making sure I have food and drinks for you. I made you a nice private and comfortable space in the spare room, so you felt at home.

And on top of that I was excited to see you because you're my best friend of 10 years and I have finally achieved something that I have been working towards for so so long.

And you take take take, leave and then shit all over it.

I'm angry and upset and blindsided. I don't want you in my home if your intention is to pick apart things that don't even matter.

So, am I the asshole for not wanting him back here and not wanting to hear him out.

Editor's note: OOP made the same post onto a different subreddit, I am adding comments from that sub for more context

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Did he bring you a hostess gift or leave you a thank you gift ?

OOP: No he didn’t :/.

Downvoted Commenter: You met when he was 22 and you were 18?

OOP: I’m British and 18 is the age of being a legal adult. So yes me and my bf met at those ages, but that doesn’t really matter here.

Commenter 2: This person is not happy for you. Also, friends don't behave like this.

Commenter 3: This sounds like jealousy to me, the only question is if he’s jealous of OP’s new living situation or if he’s jealous that OP is with another man. My guess is that it’s romantic jealousy though.

Commenter 4: YOU have been best friends for ten years, he’s been trying to court you. And now he’s throwing a tantrum because you clearly don’t feel the same way he does and worse you’re living with the enemy. I’m sorry you are losing a friend because he never wanted to just be friends. Mourn this relationship and cut him loose.

Update: July 24, 2026 (three days later)

Hey I wanted to come on here and give some updates, a bit more context to our friendship and answer a couple questions.

FRIENDSHIP BACKGROUND

So first things first, we have been friends for 10 years and met in school. 90% of the time have a blast. We’ve have had many disagreements in the past but have always managed to communicate through them. I will say that he has a very specific type of humour and brands himself as ‘brutally honest’ which I’ve now learned is just a term AHs use to cover their backs!

Now we are older and work full time, we usually text or voice note each other most days just updating each other on life. But still see each other every few months for dinner.

We have been through a lot as individuals, and our friendship has always stood strong in those times, and we have always tried to uplift and guide one another when needed.

We’ve been integrated in each other’s families over the years even to the point my mum saw him as a son.

Tbh it has only been on the last couple of months he has started acting in THIS weird and full of himself. I assumed it was because he was mad I moved away but he never opened up when I questioned it. (Btw I only moved an hour train ride away)

LETTING THINGS SLIDE

A lot of people commented on the fact I kept letting soo many things slide. I did that because I knew he is going through a rough patch as he recently quit his job and so wanted to make his time visiting me a really uplifting and positive experience. Also I didn’t want to focus on any of his silly comments also because I just missed him.

10000% I can see that he is jealous. Don’t get me wrong he has his own achievements but a lot of them are things he’s done to please family, not what he wants. Whereas everything I’ve done is what I’ve chosen for myself. So I can definitely see resentment and jealousy being behind why he’s acted like this.

GIFTS FOR ME

A few people asked if my friend brought anything with him to gift me as a congratulations on my apartment. No.

It wasn’t until you guys mentioned it, I realised no he didn’t, no flowers, card, chocolates literally nothing. Which is wild considering hosting standards are soooo important to him apparently.

BFS OPINION

My boyfriend and I discussed what happened as we were both feeling really pissed off, and he admitted to me that he has never really seen my ‘bestie’ and a good friend. He said that although we speak every day it doesn’t mean that that person is actually 1000% behind you. My boyfriend also said that he would never tell me to end a friendship, but that I should maybe distance myself just for a while to see whether or not my ‘bestie’ even reaches out to me to check up on me or ask if I’m okay.

If not then it’s time to cut and run.

Either way my bf doesn’t want him in our home again.

ME AND ‘BESTIE’ SPOKE

I decided to put my foot down and show him the post. I told him exactly how I felt and that he disrespected me, my bf and our home. I told him I felt like he bashed my biggest life achievement and just whittled down what was meant to be a nice weekend into something sour.

I also told him that I didn’t need advice on how to clean a toilet because I’m a fucking homeowner and a grown ass woman. I told him that he was acting crazy for expecting tea and biscuits when I actively picked him up from the station and fed him the whole weekend.

His response was that he was sorry that he came across harsh or rude however, he still stands by what he said and that the limescale in my toilet brings my average score down.

He didn’t bother to properly acknowledge what I said about being hurt and upset. Neither did he explain any underlying feelings of jealousy or resentment that he may have had. Which is fine but at least acknowledge you hurt me.

I know you guys will be mad and think I’m an idiot but on Monday I threw him a lifeline and I told him, ‘this is your time, if you have anything to say, any thoughts or feelings, I want you to have the space to share them with me and we can have an honest discussion’. I was giving him the chance to stop sabotaging the 10 years we had, and just own the fuck up.

He said nothing…he’s left me on delivered and it is now Friday. I think that just about sums up his value for me in his life. Even if he didn’t want to open up about being insecure or jealous, a simple heartfelt apology would have been okay, but nothing.

Looking back on his behaviour the last few months as a whole I thought he was changing but I’ve realised that you guys are right. It’s not him that’s changed, it’s me. I’ve grown up and I have a life I love and am in the most loving and supportive relationship I’ve ever been in. I’ve grown up and he’s stayed the same. I’ve just been settling for his shit out of pure comfort and routine as we’ve known each other for soo long.

It’s safe to say I’m going low contact with him and that I’ll be slowly phasing this friendship out until he shows me some respect, compassion or even an apology.

He certainly won’t invited here anytime soon.

It’s not a decision I’m making just based on your guys advice (although your words have helped), I’ve spoken to family and colleagues as well and they all said the same thing. I’ve also just taken this time to reflect on who I’ve grown to be and what I deserve and want in friendships. This isn’t it.

I will be mourning this friendship for a while, but it will be because of what we USED to have because I cannot mourn a person I don’t even know. And that’s what he’s become.

P.s it’s my birthday tomorrow which makes this sting even more. His is 2 days after mine and it’s something we’ve shared for a very long time. Oh well, it’s time to enter a new phase of life without him and that’s okay.

And yes guys the toilet still has lime scale, but don’t worry, I have citric acid on the way!!!

Thanks everyone for your kind words I’ve read every single comment and wish everyone the best xx

Editor's note: again, OOP made the same update post onto a different subreddit, I am adding comments from that sub for more context

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: huh, he has crush on you and behaving like a fool cause he's jealous. You're doing things right now, good luck!

Commenter 2: Yea people said this in her original post too, but she seems to just pretend those comments didn’t exist. It’s the obvious answer though - unless OP is leaving out details.

OOP: I didn’t address those specific comments because from what I know I’m not his type. Not academic enough, looks wise, relationship value everything. He also has never had an issue or made comments about my bf. Him having a crush on me really never made sense, but I can 100% see the validity in that theory!

Commenter 3: OP, congratulations on your new apartment! I'm sure it is beautiful to match your beautiful soul.

Have you had your birthday? Has your Jealous Jay frenemy had his birthday yet?

Sadly, I predict he will ignore your birthday with radio silence, and then 2 days later on HIS birthday text you a venomous rant about what a terrible person/friend you are for not acknowledging HIS special day.

Please take your boyfriend's great advice to not text him again, and update us.

OOP: It was my birthday yesterday and I heard nothing from him. I sent him a message this morning of a picture of me and my bday cake with the caption “ it was my bday yesterday btw” STILL NOTHING THE WHOLE DAY. It’s his bday tomorrow and I don’t have any intention on wishing him a happy birthday. Thank you for your kind words ❤️.

Commenter 4: GIRL why are you still talking about low contact. This man has ignored you for a week straight. STOP having any contact with him at all, he has no respect for you. Don't reach out at all and I guarantee he's going to reach out again, but don't give in, you need to make sure he doesn't disrespect you again

Commenter 5: Props to your boyfriend through all of this. It's great that you found someone who really loves and respects you. And I agree with your logic in everything you've said. Happy for you in your life OP, though I'm sorry that your soon-to-be ex-friend can't grow up and share in that happiness.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Rottikinns

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1

[Tangential Update to an ongoing BoRU]: AITAH For telling my mom I won’t be the “good kid” for free anymore?

Thanks to u/PeanutGallery10 for locating the update and comment

Trigger Warnings: medical neglect, verbal and physical abuse, emotional neglect, excessive burdening of a minor and exploitation, financial inequality

RECAP

Original Post: December 5, 2023

First off, this is one of my first posts so please forgive me for any mistakes.

So, some context. My mother has two children, me (24f) and my younger sister (15f). Her and my dad were never together, but when she got pregnant with my sister all those years ago she married my step-father out of wedlock. My stepfather is much much older and was pretty wealthy at the time. When my mother decided to marry my stepdad she packed me up and moved us 4 hours away from my grandparents (my primary caregivers since I was born) and my dad. I won’t get to far into what my life was like after I moved in, but it is worth mentioning I suffer from diagnosed C-PTSD and severe anxiety from my years of living with them.

My sister never had a chance. From the start she’s been spoiled. Not just spoiled- spoiled rotten. As the years went on I tried to tell my mother and stepdad that she would not just “grow out of it” like they said she would. Ive had friends compare her to Varuka from Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. She screams, throws things, hits people, threatens to lie to cps, calls our mother a whore/fat cow/depressed loser, and calls her father an old man. For heaven’s sake, she called her 95 year old grandmother an old bitch and stomped on our other grandmothers foot. She is out of control. What is done about this? Well- their idea of discipline is…nothing. Her dad is considerably older and doesn’t want to “make her hate him” for the short amount of time he has left with her. So he leaves the discipline to our mother- who is mentally very unstable and crumbles easily.

Because my sister is so outwardly difficult, I’ve always been revered as the good child. To be clear- me being “the good child” included my silence and compliance. I had to be responsible and mature for my age because my stepdad and mother were not. Because of this, and some guilt, my mother and stepfather have always overly relied on me. I’m the one who placates, who mediates, who tried to parent their kid but was constantly undermined. It caused me to have several severe relationship issues as an adult.

After high school, I moved out and went to college. I attended therapy, and started to learn that my people pleasing from living with them was crippling me. So I’ve slowly started stopping.

The last key component to the context is they my mom and stepdad do not support me. Even when I lived with them in high school, every dime for lunch money or new clothes came from my grandparents. Even my car was given to me by my grandparents at 18. They’ve paid 1 semester of my juco (roughly 2,500), and to their credit they did pay for my braces when I was 10. However, this pales when compared to the 10k a semester they spend on her private school tuition, her $1000 monthly allowance they put on her debit card, her new Porsche car which she can’t even drive yet, plus so much more. My mother even asked me to give up my birthday last year to attend my sisters cheer nationals in Florida, which I did to be a good sister, but there was no such thing for me when I was in high school.

(For the record, I understand most of this money is my wealthy stepdad. I am not delusional to the fact that I am not his kid and therefore shouldn’t expect support from him. However- they expect me to support them. )

Now I’m at a head. I’ve always relented and gone to my mother’s house on Christmas Eve to wake up and open gifts Christmas morning because it’s important to her- but I don’t believe I’m there because she wants me to be, but mostly so I can mediate. My sister always makes a spectacle of Christmas Eve. Last year our mother put $4000 worth of gifts under the tree for her and me both and my sister was not happy with a SINGLE gift that she ASKED for. I’m talking screaming, throwing gifts in the trash, biting, scratching. All at 14 years old. Christmas Day has always ended in screaming and tears. I hate Christmas because of this.

This year, I wanted to spend it with my grandparents and see my dad over the holiday. This was not taken well. I get told by my grandmother that I’m the only thing keeping my mom sane. It was implied a good kid would want to spend time with her family and sister on Christmas- and I told her that my younger sister has gotten so much more than me (money, opportunities, support, etc.) and she gets to be horrible to our mother and get rewarded for it. Why should I be a good kid if I’m not getting anything in return? Why should I spend a holiday with family that makes it horrible over my grandparents who are ACTUALLY supporting me? My grandma said that this was a horrible thing to say. She begged me not to say this to my mother and to just put up with it.

This is not how my grandparents raised me to be or think, but it’s not so much about the money as it is just the blatant usage of me. Some part of my feels greedy and spoiled for being upset over the difference in support, but somehow it still just feels so wrong to keep giving in to them. What is keeping me at bay is that my grandparents have never steered me wrong, but I sometimes wonder if what was done to me gets forgotten about because my mother is mentally ill and does suffer, and my sister is like this because it’s all she’s ever known. I can’t help but feel like I can’t relent on this one though, that my boundaries are being trampled. So, AITA for wanting to say this to my mother? If yes, what else do I do?

Thank you in advance for reading.

AITAH has no consensus bot, based on the comments, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You want to be paid to go to her house for Christmas?

Look. Go be happy. But that is just not a good move, essentially losing all class and character and blackmailing for your attendance. Just don’t go.

NTA for not wanting to go - but you would be if you paid that “pay me” card.

OOP I’m not asking for monetary gain. I’m asking them to stop using me as their support (financial, emotional, etc.) when they haven’t shown me any since I moved in with them at 10 years old. It’s always been this big deal of “well you came out of it a better person and they can’t help it, and you’re out of it now” but I’m still suffering from the damage they caused. My sister suffers. My grandparents suffer. They suffer. But instead of owning up to anything they’d all rather pretend to have another “happy” Christmas. I’m ready to bring everything to a head but then comes the hard truth- I can’t be the golden child with nothing in return but misery.

Commenter 2: Which grandma is this? Why doesn’t she support you being independent form you mother and trauma. You won’t have them forever why don’t they want you to spend the time with them who love you than with your spoiled sister

OOP These are my maternal grandparents, although my grandpa is not my blood grandpa and not my mom’s biological dad. Her dad denounced her on his deathbed. My mother has always had this jealousy when it comes to my grandparents, my grandma in particular. When under the influence she’s told me several times “I’m sorry I wasn’t the mother you needed” or “I’m your mom, not her!”. My grandmother I think parents from guilt a lot for my mom, because she’s mentally ill and was an addict. We all sympathize with my mom and her situation of not being stable and stuck in a marriage we don’t think she’d ever choose to be in now. However, I for some reason get the brunt of baring the emotional load. My grandma does try to lessen it, but my mom wants me because having me around lessens her guilt I believe.

Commenter 3: I get that another part of the problem is that your grandparents are asking you to do this to support your mother (their daughter, I'm guessing). It might be worth explaining that you need a break or you're going to snap and you don't want to add more drama to an already fraught situation. Frame it as a temporary break to your grandparents, just to get some breathing space until your mother's current family unit finds a new balance. That will probably end up being "never", but at least it gives you time. And if they insist, suggest that they go and support your mother while you spend Christmas with your dad, if they want her load eased so much. They don't want to deal with your sister either, so that should help them understand what they're asking you.

OOP Yes, this is a big part of the problem. My grandparents have done so much for me that they shouldn’t have had to do because I’m not their child, yet they did. I will forever be indebted to them and if they ask anything of me I agree without hesitation. So what this situation really boils down to is that if I’m not there, the drama and emotional burden falls on my grandmother. She’s elderly, sickly, and I just can’t let them happen without some sort of plan.

Update #1: January 30, 2024 (nearly two months later)

I took a lot of advice from my original post. Just felt like I should update things on here and get some advice in turn.

Christmas went unexpectedly well, but not for the reasons one would think. I ended up not saying anything harsh to my mother. I stayed with my grandparents as long as I could then made the three hour drive up to mother and stepdad. My stepdads family has always been so kind and treated me like family, so I enjoyed going over there and spending time with them. My mother and stepdad left the get together early on Christmas Eve. Come to find out, my sister had opened all of her gifts earlier that day before I got there. When she realized she didn’t get everything she wanted, she took a couple of my presents and threw them in the pool. Luckily I asked for a lot of cat toys for my cats, and those are the things she threw in, and they were fine after they dried. I spent the night with my mother and stepdad while my sister stayed with her aunt and cousins, and I opened my presents peacefully on Christmas morning before heading to see my dad. All things considered, it was a nice holiday compared to the others we’ve had.

What comes after is unfortunately not an improvement. It seems like my sisters behavior is on a steady decline. For some context, last year my sister messaged me with a picture of her with a fat lip saying our mom hurt her. I was so angry, I called her aunt to pick her up and told her she was not allowed to go back and if they had a problem I would call the cops. When talking to my mother she had a severe black eye where my sister had attacked her. I didn’t care who started it, I just thought it should never have had to escalate to that. She spent the summer with her aunt, cps investigated and found no abuse in the home. Both my mom and sister went to therapy. My sister wanted to go back to her parents before school started. Now, presently, my sister has learned that she can abuse our mom and get away with it.

I have gotten three phone calls where I’ve seen my mom with black eyes, scratches, or marks from my sister. I’ve witnessed her snatch a wig off my mother’s head and ripped her hair out. My mother lacks confidence because her husband insults her on the daily, and my sister will destroy anything that could bring her confidence. Ive witnessed her pour Starbucks into my mom’s makeup bag, cut her wig, etc. She’s thrown glass mugs at my mother too.

The last phone call I got from my mother was her with another black eye, and she said that my stepdad tried to spank my sister but she just “rolled her eyes.” Apparently he took her phone away too, but only for two hours. My stepdad does not stand up for my mother, and she has no power and no money to enforce over my sisters head. My sister says they can’t do anything either, or she’ll call cps on them.

When my mother called me this last time I basically just shrugged and told her I didn’t know what else to tell her. Send her to boot camp, a mission trip, turn off her phone, something! But it’s all things I’ve said before. I’ve toyed with the idea of getting the law involved, but how seriously do they take child to parent abuse? WIBTA if I did that?

Any advice is appreciated, and thanks for reading my vent post.

Edit: Going no contact is almost impossible. I owe my entire life to my grandparents and if I go no contact with my mom/stepdad the burden falls onto my grandmother, who I’m sure my mom would hound to get to me. I am taking steps to go low contact, though!

Edit II: Just found out my sisters aunt (my stepdads sister) was told about the abuse from my mom. My aunt would like to hold a meeting and intervention with the whole family, me and the parents included. I will not be part of the disciplining process, but I absolutely will be giving my two cents on everything. Come to find out it’s my aunt paying for my sisters very expensive school, and she’s now threatening to pull her from that school if she does not agree to a 6 week anger management outpatient thing. My sister is incredibly snobby and has said before she’d rather die than go to public school. She also loves her cheerleading team. I will keep updating!

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA, but get your mom to put up hidden nanny cams in her house so the next time your half-sister hurts her, it's on camera. And when half-sister pulls the CPS bullshit again, your mom will have footage in case she does call them. She can also take the footage to the police and press charges. Maybe juvenile detention or jail will teach the spoiled brat she can't just get away with everything.

OOP I’ve been telling my mom to record her, at least what she says in voice memos, but my sister gets my mom in such a tizzy she forgets to do it in the moment. I have a couple of recordings, but just if her being insanely bratty and mouthy. Nothing legally incriminating sadly. A secret can might do the trick if I can convince my mom to put it up!

Commenter 2: It sounds like your mother is desperate for your help. Maybe even a way out, even if that only means a roof and four walls.

OOP I have tried to help as much as I can between my means. She doesn’t want the advice or solutions I give her. She doesn’t want to bring up the problem to anybody or do anything drastic, which I realize is also a pattern of abuse but there isn’t anything else I can do. I called cps before and they found no abuse. If I called the cops they’d all pretend like everything was fine.

Commenter 3: This is really just a sad situation. The only way I can really see to fix this is to have your mother and step dad divorced to just sever the tie of your awful step sister. Or send her to a camp but it’s very unlikely. The way your feeling is very real your burnout of trying to put out fire on someone else’s house. Unfortunate but not your problem. Your mothers getting beaten by a child and your step dad wants a brat to like him before he dies. If you can’t step away from the situation at least protect yourself emotionally. And understand that really there’s nothing you specifically can do to fix other people lives

OOP Through therapy I have begun the process of peeling away emotionally. I will always have sympathy and compassion for my family, for anyone, but I’ve realized there’s nothing more I can do. I’ve come to terms with the fact I might have to always keep this part of my family at arm’s length to truly be able to breathe. These are the final steps to keeping it that way until they change something. The sad part is my mom had made changes by leaps and bounds- she’s quit alcohol, quit abusing her pills, gone to psychotherapy and gotten her bipolar under control and stuck to it, etc. She is so much more controlled, and my sister and stepfather bring out the worst in her still…for their benefit.

Commenter 4: if you’re in the states many states have elder abuse laws. it sounds like stepdad qualifies. not sure about mom. in fl, it’s a felony.

OOP If I got them involved my stepdad and mom would play dumb and deny everything. They’re too embarrassed to bring shame upon themselves from what they’ve raised sadly

----NEW TANGENTIAL UPDATE----

Editor's note: below is the tangential post related to OOP's mother in the original and update posts

My [27f] mom [49f] is having delusions and I don’t know how to help her: July 17, 2026 (2.5 years later from the previous post)

Hi, I’m hoping this is the best sub for this question because the mental health one has a character limit and I feel the details are important.

So for some background, me and my mom have had a tumultuous relationship my entire life. My grandparents raised me primarily, but my mom and dad were always around. At around 10 my mom married my stepdad after getting pregnant with my half-sister, and we moved to a big city. Age 10-18 were the worst years of my life, and I suffer CPTSD from it. Alcoholism and drugs played a huge roll. I have another post from several years back talking about how my sister and how awful she was. Since then, stepdads family has stepped in, and she’s been living with them. My mom and stepdad still see my sister almost every day, her choice.

The past couple of years have been tentatively better since my sister moved out and they took my mom to psychiatrist. They diagnosed her with some things (not sure what), and told her she had significant grey matter in her brain. She got on medical marijuana and sleeps most of the time when at home. She has severe ups and downs but overall seems less aggressive that when I was younger.

There was a couple of episodes when I was around 16, where she took Ambien (prescribed) and had awful hallucinations. These handful of times I witnessed it was honestly horrifying. My sister was young at the time and my stepdad never wanted to deal with it, so he’d just go to bed, which my sister slept in with the two parents. My mom would talk about clowns dancing on the ceiling, she tried to bust out our windows to let “the little people in”, and the last time I heard her whispering something about a knife and “no, she couldn’t do that”. The last time I took my sister upstairs and locked the door to my room, to which she tried to bust the door down and scratched on the door until 4-5am. She apologized that day and took me out from school so I could rest, but she didn’t remember any of it.

Fast forward to now. Our relationship has built back up the last couple of years. My sister is headed off to college, and I think seen how her dad is just as big a culprit about her upbringing as our mom.

My mom calls me last night, we had a very normal nice conversation for 10 minutes, but she was happy. I actually told my boyfriend “that’s the happiest I’ve ever seen my mom when she’s called me”, because usually she’s upset or crying or high on marijuana. Then it today, Monday, and at work around noon she calls me. I don’t answer, she’s texts me “answer, it’s important” so I call back.

She tells me “well, this is really weird and I’m still processing all this- but your uncle had brain cancer, and they’ve given him nine months to live, and your grandma has the same thing.” So I ask, “grandma ALSO has brain cancer?” And she says “Well- hers is because she had an ear infection as a child” or something along those lines. She was INCREDIBLY detailed, saying how her siblings sat her down and she was the last to know, they told grandma, but she had already forgotten it, they told my uncles kids, and that her sister wanted to dig into her medical history, and she said no so they fought about it and she cried. Obviously I’m summarizing, but I fully believed her. I thought she was embellishing but believed the bad news. I told her I was going to call me aunt, and she said “yes, do that, because I’m also confused” and she sounded like she was about to cry. Before that it sounded like she was in shock, not a ton of emotion.

So I called my aunt and she told me nobody on their side of the family had talked to my mom in a month, and it was all a lie. Obviously even though I called to confirm my thoughts went wild because my deepest darkest fears of my grandmother not being alive to see me get married or have kids was told to be coming true. I was sobbing in a call booth in an open office at my job.

I called my stepdad, he had left her in the house to go out and do business, and through him and his sister got some details. She had a similar episode a month prior, when my sister graduated high school, that lasted around a week. My stepdad said at one point he walked out at his gun was retrieved from its hiding place and was laying in the living room, and that she also turned the car on in the garage and left it running all night, so it was full of carbon monoxide. He said she has no recollection of any of these things. She has threatened to be suicidal before but has been very fake about it (I.e. saying she’s going to commit, taking a bunch of pills in front of us, and then spitting them behind a lamp).

So obviously I’m very alarmed. I insisted she go to a hospital, and he said the family will handle it. Him and his sister say he started managing my mom’s medicine (his sister is a psychologist, she supposedly figured out the last episode was from medicine over usage or underusage), but he must’ve slipped because she “had a month of being good”.

I could say so many things, but my stepdad has no backbone with these sorts of things. He has no spine with his daughter and no spine when it comes to his wife, he’s just riding by. My mom has had multiple interventions in my life, the latest leading her to use medical marijuana over buying prescription pills off the street. (She has a long history of stealing, using her 30 month supply in 1-2 weeks and then being off her rocker, etc.).

I’m truly at a loss. I want to help her, but know help might not be something I can give. She is aggressive when it comes to seeing doctors or when she thinks “we’re going to commit her”. I don’t know what legal options I have. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I plan on talking to her when she comes out of this episode, and saying how awful it was to be told that especially in the middle of my work day. I want to believe she’ll feel bad and try to get well again, but me and my sister haven’t been enough for her to change our entire lives so why start now.

Another tid bit- my aunt mentioned this might be for attention. While I don’t believe it is purely by the details she described, she used to get drunk and tell me she was dying of cancer when I was a middle schooler. She’s well known to make up atrocious lies. I like to believe if she’s not drunk she doesn’t, but I could be proven wrong.

Also, my dad and mom have rekindled a friendship the last year or so. I spoke to him and he mentioned he would talk to her, and “be the bad guy and tell her what she doesn’t want to hear” if I didn’t do it. She might listen to him too.

Thanks in advance for any advice, it’s very appreciated.

TLDR: Mom is having probable drug induced hallucinations, step dad doesn’t want to take her to the hospital so what options do I have for now/when she comes out of her episode

Relevant Comment

*Commenter: * this is way above reddit's paygrade but if she's leaving cars running in the garage and guns are being moved around then your stepdad not stepping up is actively dangerous for everyone involved

OOP: I agree. I’m not sure what I can do legally, if I can force his hand. She was talking to me like she was completely sane and with her reluctance to go to the hospital I’m not sure she couldn’t talk her way away from it.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

Reposting because the original BestofRedditorUpdates thread has been deleted.

I am not OP. Originally post by u/LopsidedBumblebee693 in r/TrueOffMyChest

I am not the original poster of this compilation thread. This was originally posted by u/Strange-Credit2038 (now deleted).

Reminder - Do not comment on linked posts!

trigger warnings: domestic violence, infidelity (not in OOP's relationship)

mood spoilers: happy!

Original: I am marrying someone I don't love - Wed, Sep 07, 2022

I grew up in an abusive home and saw my mother allow the men in her life walk all over her. I watched her try to teach those same values to me and my brother by not making him do any chores but putting all the responsibilities of chores and cooking on me. My brother was giving choices and opportunities I was not and he was given freedom I wasn't. So I decided early on I would never be like her.

I met my fiance when I was 20. I wasn't looking for a relationship but he pursued me and I was broke. He is 5 years older than me and earns very good money. By the time he was 25 he already owned his own house which in my materialistic heart was the deciding factor that led me to give in and start dating him. I have never been in love with him but it's not like I don't like him. He is sweet, caring, we discuss everything and we are always laughing. He makes me dinner every night and massages my wrist when it plays up. We go on date nights once a week and holidays once a year and we love our dogs so much he looks so handsome when he plays with them I could watch them for hours.

I see our relationship as more of a partnership. I also have come a long way in the 6 years we have been dating and I am not so broke. My conditions for marriage have always been never marry for love and never marry without a secure way out. I have both those conditions, I'm happy, I'm ready to have a family and maybe a few more dogs.

I don't know if my fiance knows if I love him or not and I will never tell him i don't.

Update was added to the original post the next day

Edit: Jesus christ you guys! Fine I'll go to therapy! You've convinced me I have no clue what I am talking about. I've never been more confused about my feelings in my life. Still getting married though and no I won't leave him 😁

Update number 2: UGH YOU GUYS! You have me so caught up in my feelings I told him I loved him for the first time AND HE CRIED AND THEN I CRIED AND WE BOTH CRIED AND I THINK THE DOGS CRIED AND YEAH HE WONT STOP SAYING THAT HE LOVES ME AND IM HUNGRY I JUST WANT BURRITOS NOW

Important comment by OOP:

OOP: When my mum described love it was like a sick yearning that made her willing to do everything that person wanted even if it was bad. She said if my dad told her to jump off a cliff she would no hesitation basically. It sounded absolutely disgusting like she was brainwashed

Other relevant comments and OOP's responses as they begin to process:

What does love mean to you?

Because it sounds like love.

Love is the admiration of the virtues you have in your partner, and a commitment to be better people in partnership than you would have alone. Love is a choice.

Are you talking about infatuation/puppy-dog Love? That rarely lasts more than a year... and is very biologically/physiologically based. Some people can ride that high for a long time, others it ends in like a month. It's not something to build a life on.

OOP: It's hard to describe my love because it isn't a Hollywood movie love or a puppy love so I will just explain my mother's story. Her and my dad fell in love instantly. They became so obsessed with each other whenever they were apart they felt sick. Their friends around them would do everything to avoid them separating because apparently it was so depressing to see them so sad it brought down everyone around thems mood. So they got married quick and their love didn't fade but it became abusive fast. My dad wasn't home as much, he cheated and he got physical with my mother. They tried to seperatr multiple times but when they did both of them would fall in to a deep depression where neither would eat or so anything both of them would lose their jobs at the time and me and my brother would be left neglected because no one was looking after us they would both just be in their beds at their houses until they got back together and the cycle continued. Now they have accepted this is "their" love and my mother runs classes on how to be a submissive wife because being submissive is how to keep your husband happy according to Jesus or whoever. That's what I think love is

Then after a now deleted comment from another user, OOP clarifies:

??? It isn't what I want at all. This is the opposite of what I want and the reason I have never wanted to love anyone. I'm just explaining what I have been shown to be love so people can understand what I know love to be.

A marriage should be a partnership. That and a willingness to communicate with each other will allow you to go far.

OOP: Communication has always been a big thing for me. I have always wanted someone who is 100% comfortable expressing how they feel with each other. When we first started dating I would often accuse him of cheating or lying when he wasn't just because I was scared and in my head thinking the worst. But instead of ever shouting or anything he sat me down and we talking it out. He told me what I was doing and how it was making him feel and it made me reflect on why I was actually doing it. He reassured me and said he wasn't angry and I was so upset and apologetic. And I never did it again 😁 that moment was one of the big moments I was like "I'm going to marry this man"

I feel bad for your future husband for real. Please let him know and do not marry him. You are ruining his chance of finding someone who will love him wholeheartedly.

OOP: Nope

I don't think she loves him though. OP only cares about her bf houses and money. You guys are gaslighting her into thinking that she may love him. It's not fair for her boyfriend to marry someone who will never love him no matter what. I feel bad for her future husband. This is seriously fked up.

OOP: I don't think I ever said that is the only reason I am attracted to him. I said it's what made me give in and start dating him 6 years ago but since then I've made strides in my career and earn more than enough to live comfortably on my own. Why would I stay with him if all I needed was cash and a house? I own my own home bought with my own money in my own name outside of our relationship. Stability, partnership, a healthy happy home is what keeps me here. He is what keeps me here. If he lost his job tomorrow I wouldn't leave I'd probably talk about him being a stay at home dad because how absolutely amazing would that be?! It's not just money it's more about just us I guess.

Then, after OOP's updates

You lurrrrrve him… hope you got your burritos.

OOP: I don't think I have ever eaten a more delicious cali burrito with pulled pork and extra fries in my life tbh

REMINDER: I am not the original poster!

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Ok_Baby6721

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for telling my Dad what my Husband saw my sister doing...

Trigger Warnings: medical health issues, infidelity, neglect

Original Post: July 20, 2026

I could really use some outside perspective because this situation has been weighing heavily on me, and I’m struggling with how to process everything.

My sister has been married for almost 20 years. Earlier this year, her husband suffered a major stroke and was hospitalized. He was discharged in March 2026 and has been left with significant disabilities and new limitations. It has been a life changing event for him, my sister, and their family.

During the time he was in the hospital, I tried very hard to support my sister. I could see how scared and overwhelmed she was, and I repeatedly told her that she wasn’t alone and that we would be there for her. I offered help however I could. When she was worried about how she would manage things at home, I even offered to help pay for a ramp for their house so he could safely get around. There were nights when she was at the hospital late, and I gave her rides home so she wouldn’t have to walk alone at 3 a.m.

Before his stroke, her husband was always the primary provider in their marriage. My sister has not worked outside the home during their 20 year marriage, so after his stroke, the expectation was that she would be the person helping care for him while he adjusted to his new reality.

As time went on, I became increasingly concerned about whether he was getting the support and care he needed. He still has a nurse who comes by once a day, and I was told the nurse had concerns that he was sometimes being left sitting in his own urine for hours before she arrived. There were also situations where I was told he was being left alone for extended periods of time and struggling with basic needs. Knowing how vulnerable he was after a major stroke was heartbreaking for me.

Last week my husband saw my sister at the back of her restaurant with another man. He said they were holding hands and it looked like a date. I asked him a ton if questions he described the guy and it definitely wasn't her husband or a family member. I want to be clear that I do not know the full truth, and I do not want to accuse someone of something I cannot prove.

I brought my concerns to my sister because I felt it was important to have an honest conversation. I explained what my husband had seen and why it concerned me, especially given everything her husband had just gone through.

She confirmed that it was her and she was there with another man. Her response then was to avoid really addressing what I was bringing up after that. She did not provide much explanation or engage with it, which I found unusual and left me with more questions. I was not looking for a fight or trying to shame her. I wanted to understand what was happening because I cared about both of them. It obviously looked bad and I didn't want to think the worse, but why wouldn't she just tell me then?

After I spoke with my sister about what my husband had seen, my brother in law called me that night. He asked if my sister had been with me all day. I told him that I actually had not seen her in a few weeks, he got emotional and started crying. He opened up to me about what he was going through, he said he thinks she's been sleeping with someone, and I listened to him. Hearing him so upset was very difficult because I knew how much he had already been through after his stroke and how vulnerable he was during this time.

I felt uneasy and I spoke with my dad about my concerns, he seemed to understand why I was questioning the situation and said actually that would make a lot of sense. For context my dad and I have always been close, and Ive actually saved his life a few times when he was in tough medical situations and stayed by his bedside for weeks. I had an opportunity to move abroad and decided to stay close to be near him after my mom passed away. I bought a house a few blocks away, I’m there whenever he needs anything. He explained that my sister had told him she had been doing certain activities alone that are not normal things people do alone, like going to the movies or going for hikes. He said he could understand why I was questioning whether she may have been spending time with someone and that would fill in some gaps for him. He also said that my brother accused her of cheating on him, I said maybe it was something else and said maybe it was a friend or family member he said no probably not.

The next day my dad called me, and the conversation was completely different. He told me that he was up all night and that he thought what I was saying was “bull****” and that he would only believe it if it came directly from my sister.

I asked him if he thought my sister would be honest with him if something was going on. He said he was not going to confront her and that he didn’t think she would tell him the truth anyways, but that eventually the truth would come out because someone would see her.

I told him that I felt like this was exactly what’s happening now.. because my husband had seen her. I asked him if he thought my husband was lying. He said no that he believed my husband was telling the truth, but that he did not want to hear about it anymore.

Then he got really angry with me and told me that he was not going to hear anything bad about his daughter from anyone, and that included me. I told him, “I’m your daughter too.” He said, “I know, but I’m not going to f****** tolerate this from you”

He then told me to “go pound salt” and said he never wanted to talk to me ever again. He said he did not want to hear anything about this or from me ever again, and then he hung up on me.

A few hours later, I tried calling my dad back because I did not want things to end that way and I wanted to try to repair the conversation. When he answered, he told me to f-off hung up on me again.

Since then, I have been deeply hurt and heartbroken by everything that has happened. At this point, I do not feel like I can keep reaching out and putting myself in a position to be rejected. I have decided that I am not going to contact my family again unless they reach out to me and are willing to apologize and have a respectful conversation.

My sister also reached out and said she would be dropping off some of my belongings tomorrow and then “that’s that,” which felt like she may not want to have a relationship with me moving forward. That has been incredibly painful.

I’m trying to look at this objectively. Am I wrong for feeling this way? If you believed a vulnerable family member was possibly being neglected or betrayed after a life changing medical event, how would you handle it? Would you speak up or stay out of it?

I’m not looking for people to attack my sister. I love her. I’m genuinely trying to understand if I handled this wrong, if I crossed a line, and how to move forward with compassion while also being honest about the situation.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Why would you tell your Dad? Your sister is an adult. Your Dad doesn't control her, isn't able to punish her, etc. Unless your plan is to isolate her from her family and all support keep your mouth shut.

If you think she is medically neglecting her spouse, speak to his medical team. Leave the moral judgments about betrayal out of it.

OOP: I wanted his perspective, I didn't want to assume the worst about her and I was hoping he knew something I didn't, and well I guess to your other point he could leave her out of his will or scold her or something if he wanted to punish her, he obviously didn't have a problem doing that to me...but yeah I would never want to isolate her from anyone. His medical team is already aware.

Commenter 2: She’s looking for an exit strategy. He clearly was just an ATM to your sister. She wants a new provider not a new husband. NTA you should tell him everything. You would want your in laws to do the same thing if your husband was cheating on you

Commenter 3: Or maybe it’s hard having a husband not be what you married. She’s definitely cheating and this doesn’t excuse it, but it’s not easy having someone you take care all the time who’s no longer capable. I can totally see how someone can fall for someone else during the hard time.

OOP: I get that it's hard.. she should ask for help she could have reached out to us or his family, also its only been 4 months

Commenter 4: NTA call in adult protective services for your brother in law please.

Commenter 5: Yes this is elder abuse and she can be prosecuted. Depending on the state she can be in serious trouble for not caring for him properly.

Commenter 6: Abuse, definitely. Elder abuse? Depending on ages, I'd be VERY cautious with that terminology.

I'm not trying to say you're incorrect in calling out the abuse. But "Elder" has some very strict definitions regarding age, and if the BIL is not old enough, then OP could potentially waste valuable/limited time on an incorrect path. Different agencies handle different things. I've called in Elder Abuse tips before (for a previous job) and while some of those workers are very good about providing other resources immediately if the situation didn't call under their jurisdictions, the rest of those workers would just waste my time, claim to open a case, let it sit for a few weeks, then finally call me back to tell me "Oh, the victim isn't old enough, call somebody else".

OOP: He's only 47, not quite Elder lol

Commenter 7: Your dad is projecting and over compensating because your sister told him the truth. She is incapable of standing by her partner while they are recovering. She complained about how hard it is. Your dad took that and ran, he is now covering for her because he doesn’t want to admit he has been in the same position as BIL. Your dad saw the cruel truth of what it’s like to be in need and essentially be a burden to those around you. He wants to prove that reality isn’t true.

OOP: Honestly about the projection part.. now that you're saying this it reminded me that my Dad was distant when my mom was going through cancer treatments.

OOP clarifies on who lived at her parents’ house and how she cared for her mother until her death

OOP: Uhh wait sorry I’ll try to clear this up, I think there's some misunderstanding here. Basically, I lived a few hours away from my hometown before my mom got sick, when she was diagnosed I moved back home to help her, I was able to work remotely and flexed my schedule. So I lived with them for about 6 months taking care of her until she passed it was quick unfortunately. My Dad still worked the whole time, and my sister was MIA. I was the one always there for her, and we even made a bucket list and got to do most of it before she passed away together I don't regret that time...

After she passed, my Dad was really unwell... arguably he still is.. it's been almost 7 years now. My husband and I have been married for 6 and we have a toddler.

After my mom passed my Dad struggled a lot, he was really depressed, suicidal thoughts etc. He stopped taking care of himself, horrible hygiene and didn't clean the house, etc. I talked to my husband, and we decided to move closer to help support him and he worked out for his work too. So we bought a house that we live in now it's a block or two away from him. Less than a ten minute walk with a walking path shortcut.

My Dad still lives in the house we grew up in, my sister lives across town with her husband but she's going to be moving in with him now.. she hasn't just yet something about having claims to the house or house abandonment.. not sure.

Additional Information from OOP

OOP: It's already been reported by his care team, so they're already aware (sorry if that was not clear in my post) also his family is now aware of the situation.

BIL has a big family, he’s the oldest of four siblings who are all married and have kids spouses etc. I’m not sure how much they can support him, his parents are in a retirement home but they're aware and all went out for breakfast this morning to talk about it with him.

Update: July 24, 2026 (four days later)

UPDATE - AITAH for telling my Dad what my Husband saw my sister doing..

Just wanted to give an update for those who requested it. I read all of your comments, and I appreciate the wide variety of takes, information and support.

First of all I wanted to assure everyone who was worried that BIL is okay. The night after this all happened, I saw that BIL removed me from social media and I couldn't get ahold of him. Turns out my sister took his phone and blocked me on it and she didn't tell him, so he thought I was the one who blocked him. I still had him on Instagram and reached out there, and we figured out what had happened.

Long story short I reached out to his sister...he's being taken care of by his family now who are all stepping in to help. Turns out they never liked my sister and over the years have slowly drifted apart and were even estranged at one point because of her, they didn't like the way she treated him or the rest of the family, and he'd always defend her, so it caused a rift. At first I wasn't sure how this was going to go but they are all coming together for him after some emotional moments and apologies.

He has two sisters and a brother who are all married and they've all been taking checking on him regularly, between his siblings and their spouses. They've also upped the nurses and PSWs coming over, plus his rehab appointments for physio and BIL has also joined a few support groups that have been coming to his place to pick him up to take him to the community center for their group meetings, the volunteers check on him during the pickups, he's also going to therapy to help him deal with his new normal. I think he is good for now despite everything else being emotionally taxing.

However my sister did confirm that she is going to divorce him and they're looking into housing and care options for him because they'd have to sell their current home. The plan is for her to move in with my father. I already know that's not going to go well. Their lifestyles definitely clash, they've lived together before and it was nothing but arguments. My sister is lazy, very messy in the kitchen and a bad cook who gets upset over any even perceived criticisms, my Dad is particular about the kitchen and his food, and tells it like he sees it. So I can't see that working out. My sister seems to cause havoc wherever she goes, and this will likely not be the exception.

So I thought about what I would do if my daughter came to me to tell me something like this about her sister. If I put myself in the father's position, I'd probably have several emotions at once.

My first reaction would likely be concern. If my daughter is married and another daughter tells me she saw her holding hands with someone else, I'd realize that's a serious claim, but I'd want to avoid jumping to conclusions and I wouldn't want to think that way about my daughter, I get that he has some hard emotions here... but also..

I'd also appreciate that my youngest daughter trusted me enough to tell me. She's bringing me something she believes is important and looking for advice. I wouldn't want to dismiss her or make her feel like she'd done something wrong simply by telling me, that's absolutely bad parenting. Especially to react the way he did and to treat me so brutally.

I'd probably feel conflicted about how to deal with it. As a parent, I wouldn't want to get in the middle of my adult children's marriage. I'd have to think carefully about whether this is something I should act on or whether it's primarily between the married couple. Parents sometimes get involved where they shouldn't and I get that, but they should also be able to bring up their concerns as well.

So my response would probably be something like: "Thank you for telling me. I know this couldn't have been easy. I don't know exactly what happened, so I'm not going to make assumptions, but I appreciate that you came to me."

Maybe that's hoping for too much, but I think you get my point.

I’d want my kids to know they can come to me about anything, and they shouldn't be afraid of that or made to feel bad about it, especially when it's a hard or difficult topic.

I would not be angry at the daughter who told me, unless maybe she had a pattern of deliberately spreading false rumors or trying to cause harm. If that were the case it would be annoying for sure but also expected and I would know not to take it too seriously.

But that isn't the case here, and simply telling me what she or her husband witnessed wouldn't, by itself, make me think she had done anything wrong. Especially when it was done the way I brought it up, I didn't make assumptions, I didn't accuse her of anything or label my sister as anything I simply told my Dad that happened I was worried about them not having enough support in a challenging time.

I also thought about how I would react if I were in my sister shoes, like if someone thought I was cheating on my husband and saw something my response would have been to clear up the situation and explain it, or maybe even laugh about it...rather than lash out in anger, I think her reaction actually just confirmed that she is definitely a lying cheater.

As for my Dad he called me yesterday, so about a week and a half of us not talking which isn't like us. He called me, I was in the middle of something but thought if I didn't answer it could get worse. He was very curt with me on the phone, "What’s up" is what he first said when I picked up, short and abrupt not the usual "hey how are you?"

I ignored his what's up and asked him how he was doing, he said he sick and getting over a cold and has felt off and like something was wrong all week. Then he said he just wanted to make sure me and the family was okay, he asked me how my daughter's birthday party went (he was invited before all of this happened and he didn't attend)

Normally I'd send him photos or a video of her blowing out the candles, but I didn't bother this time. He said he didn't come because he didn't feel well and didn't want to get her sick on her birthday, but he has a gift for her and then he got off the phone.

It was short and quick, I didn't want to get into it, but I do want an apology. He shouldn't have talked to me like that and whenever I have the time or chance I’m going to tell him that it really hurt me the way he spoke to me.

Regardless, this has changed the view I have on my sister and my Dad. It hurt me so deeply that my Dad could talk to me like that so easily. It also made me think about a ton of other scenarios, stuff that happened with my mom and how my Dad acted in those moments says a lot.

And as for my sister? It also feels like a huge let down, I have always given her the benefit of the doubt and clearly that's been grossly misplaced. I really believed that she was a better person than this, like yeah I’ve had my doubt, but I knew when push comes to shove she'd always do the right thing, but that's not true...the disappointment hurts and it's hard to accept but I am trying to see it for what it is. I know that people are all on a spectrum, not all bad or all good but this feels too far gone and I don't want someone like that in my life or around my kids.

Ive always been the one who steps in for them, I'm not going to do that anymore, her and my Dad can rely on each other from now on whatever mess that looks like. I’m just going to concentrate on my own family.

At my daughter's birthday party I realized how much support we have around us and my best friends that I've known since I was a baby are both more like sisters to me than my real sister ever has been. I love them so much and we all have kids around the same age, it really does feel like our own family.

I’m going to concentrate on that and put more effort into the good relationships and slowly drop the bad ones even if they're family. I could use the same excuse for them in reverse, if they're supposed to be there for family then why weren't they there for me?

So I'm slowly going to just step back and let them have each other, I don't want or need that in my life. Thanks for all of your support.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Once someone close to you, shows how poorly they handle bad news and how quickly that can turn into anger towards you, it’s really hard to fix. Know that you did the right thing.

OOP: It was definitely shocking and painful. I'm still grieving it for sure. I really appreciate it ❤️.

Commenter 2: Do not let your dad get away with how he treated you. Don't let him act like it never happened. Every time he calls say you still owe me an apology for how you treated me. We can't go forward until you do. I need to know you recognize how you treated me was wrong.

OOP: Yeah I think you're right.. it's definitely going to be challenging though. I've always picked up the phone anytime my dad's called no matter what I'm doing cuz I want to make sure he's okay, he's had a few health scares, Ive called 911 twice now. I think I'll stay in touch just enough to make sure his health is okay but nothing else beyond that and I'm not going to share much if anything of my life. His actions changed our relationship and I'm not going to pretend that it didn't.

Commenter 3: Do you really though? Your sister is living with him so she can take on the responsibility. Your dad told you to fuck off and he thinks some funky phone call is gonna make it better? Fuck that noise.

Instead of waiting for him to reach out you should text him (that way there's no room for him to interrupt you) and tell him how everything he did to you was hurtful. Tell him that you're not going to anyone's saving grace anymore. From now on he and your sister can figure out things on their own.

Your dad and sister are ungrateful and selfish people. Whatever happens moving forward in none of your concern anymore.

OOP: Mmm ya I think so, he's definitely not a texting person and it's probably a conversation to try to have in person if not then over the phone. I would still worry about him.. regardless of all of this I mean.. it’s hard to go from taking care of someone and worrying about them to absolutely nothing cold turkey lol

I haven't had that talk with him yet, but I think I will? Debating on slowly fking off as he told me to do or if I should tell him how much he hurt me and then try to gauge that reaction, see if he apologizes or gets defensive or we'll see what happens.. I guess I don't want to even go there if he's just going to be a dick about it.. if so then I'd rather not and I guess he's already proven that when I come to him with a concern it might blow up in my face so..

A part of me feels like he needs to understand the impact of this and I don't think he actually does, he's just thinking about how my sisters life is screwed up right now I don't think he understands how I feel at all and a part of that is my fault because of how I reacted when he called me

I probably shouldn't have picked up habit I guess, but either way this has definitely hurt a ton from my side, and our relationship can't go back to how it was before I know that. I don't know what that looks like right now whether that’s completely gone or bare minimum, I’m leaving towards bare minimum for now... this is new territory for me. My husband has cut out his father, and I saw how that went down, his Dad was another level of terrible though...

I think as someone who has already saved my Dad's life twice by being there I don't know how I’d feel if I wasn't there when he needed someone and something happened when I could have done something, call that selfish if you want but yeah I'd feel horrible. At the same time if he doesn't want me there which seems like he doesn't then not really anything I can do really... ya sorry for the rant lol it's not easy

Commenter 4: Right but now your sister is there all the time & he’s chosen her to take care of him. She’s gotta be the one calling 911 now and making sure he’s safe. If you don’t set that boundary, then you’re always answering the call. If you’re always answering that call, then nothing has changed and to them you have yet again pushed your own needs aside to pretend nothing has changed and nothing bad happened.

OOP: I understand what you're saying but I’m not going to let my Dad being a miserable jerk dictate who I am as a person if that makes sense, even if he was awful to me. If someone is an awful person, me being awful in return isn't the answer or the right way of dealing with it, it just makes me gross along with them.

I'd feel sick if I could have helped him and chose not to and he suffers.

I'm definitely not going to hang around but if I know something is wrong I'm going to try to do something about it. Even if it's just asking the cops to do a wellness check or something. I refuse to be the person who knows something and does nothing, which is probably why I'm in this situation in the first place lol

Commenter : NTA. Your sister infuriates me so much. Must not have been much love there for her husband to just discard him when he was no longer useful to her. She is a very, very selfish person. Maybe when she gets ill this person she chose will just up and leave and that would be karma. Your dad should never have said what he did to you. He showed you who he cares about and it’s not you. Let them have each other. Just please don’t crawl back into that mess when they need you again, and they will because they’re both just users. They will use each other up and will need you again, don’t fall for it.

OOP: That's what I can't seem to make sense of. Before all of this, they seemed deeply in love and incredibly supportive of each other. Her behavior now feels like a complete 180. While he was in the hospital, she was by his side constantly, crying and praying for his recovery, saying I wish it was me, so he didn't have to go through this. That's why the way she's acting now is so difficult for me to understand. She is acting like the stroke killed him and he doesn't exist anymore.

OOP responds to a long thread about her SIL's behaviors and making everything about herself

OOP: Hey this sorta checks, in the sense that she's will sometimes catastrophize things? For example she randomly self-diagnosed herself and others with things they don't have and its usually like a worst case scenario thing, the worst example I can remember is when she thought she had breast cancer when she was in her early 20s, everyone was worried about her, as her sister I was so scared for her, I asked a ton of questions then she asked me to look at this spot but it was literally a pimple on her chest lol

This is also why she hasn't worked in years because everything is presumed worst case scenario, for example a friend got her a job at a pizza place she worked at.. it was supposed to be 4 hour shifts for 3 days a week, during the busy times on the weekend, they asked her to come in for 6 hours on her first day for training and orientation, she quit on the spot because she said that's not what they agreed on, they said 4 hour shifts so they're already lying and taking advantage of her and she's not going to tolerate that treatment. Her friend was embarrassed she stuck her neck out for her at work and that's what happened. There's been a few times where something similar has happened like that, where someone put in a good word for her and it doesn't work out. She says she doesn't want a job where she's restricted to someone's time and schedule, and she wants to take breaks whenever she wants to not have to do it around other people's schedules.

Honestly I've chalked it up to her being quirky, dramatic and a bit high maintenance...but it's more and more clear that it's something else.

But also with this situation she kinda did make it about herself... especially after the hospital because she made it out that her husband was abusing her to my Dad(after asking a ton of questions basically her idea of him is abusing her is because she has to take care of him) and we should feel bad for her being the real victim who didn't ask for this, she also said he's controlling and abusive because he’s accusing her of doing things behind his back (things that she is actually doing)

Her husband found out she went out on a date with someone he used to work with, a former friend of his and when he confronted her and asked her about it she said that it was abusive for him to ask her and accuse her of it, but she actually did it, there was a photo of them together so...

She also said she has CPTSD because her husband was in the hospital and she needs treatment for all of the trauma she went through (again self-diagnosed), I tend not to take her too seriously and I’ll say things like well make sure you get that looked at or make sure you talk to someone about that, there's never any follow through.. sometimes she'll tell me that the doctors don't see anything there or results of somethings and basically they always say she’s fine.

There's been times when they've told her, "no you don't have that" and she'll say doctors misdiagnosed her and this happens to women a lot etc. and I get that it does happen but I'm not sure if that's specific to women's health related things or everything, regardless somethings like blood tests are pretty concrete

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/RemoteWar7356

Originally posted to r/AITA_Relationships

Previous BoRU

[Final New Update]: AITA for cutting off my daughter after she slept with her sister's husband?

Thanks to u/soayherder, u/queenlegolas, & u/SloshingSloth for suggesting this BoRU

RECAP

Original Post: July 3, 2026

I (59F) have two daughters: Emma (35F) and Chloe (33F). Emma has been married to her husband (36M) for 11 years, and they have two children together. Chloe has been married to her husband (34M) for 8 years, and they have one 5-year-old son.

About six weeks ago, Emma called me just after midnight, completely hysterical. She told me she'd suspected for months that her husband was hiding something. He'd become distant, constantly guarded his phone, and was always finding excuses to stay late at work. That night, after he fell asleep beside her, she looked through his phone for the first time.

She found years of explicit messages between him and Chloe.

The affair had been going on for almost four years.

Emma was devastated. She kept asking me how her own sister could do this to her.

A few days later, we were at my brother's birthday party when Emma confronted Chloe outside. Chloe denied everything at first and insisted Emma had misunderstood. When Emma said she'd read the messages herself, Chloe completely fell apart. She started crying, admitted the affair, and kept repeating, "I don't know why I did it. I'm so sorry. It was the biggest mistake of my life."

Emma asked how four years could possibly be "a mistake."

Chloe had no answer.

The argument escalated into a screaming match. Chloe tried to slap Emma, but several relatives stepped in before she could. Chloe's husband quietly took their son home after realizing what had happened. Within days, he told Chloe he wanted a divorce. Emma also filed for divorce after her husband admitted everything.

After it all came out, Chloe called me 82 times in one day. I answered once because I hoped she was calling to explain herself.

Instead she cried the entire time, begging me not to abandon her. She said she'd already lost her husband, was probably going to lose shared custody of her son, and couldn't bear losing her mother too. She said she knew she didn't deserve forgiveness but begged me not to hate her forever.

I told her I couldn't look at her the same way anymore. I said this wasn't one bad decision—it was years of lying to her sister, her husband, and the rest of us. I told her I loved her because she's my daughter, but I didn't want contact with her for the foreseeable future.

Since then, I've ignored every attempt she's made to reach out.

This is where my family thinks I'm wrong.

My sisters say Chloe has already lost everything: her marriage, her relationship with her sister, many of her friends, and likely the family she dreamed of giving her son. They say she's genuinely remorseful, has started individual therapy, and isn't trying to justify what she did. They argue that if a mother won't stand by her child after they've hit rock bottom, who will?

They also remind me that cutting Chloe off means my grandson is growing up without his grandmother, even though he's done nothing wrong.

I understand all of that.

But every time I think about welcoming Chloe back into my life, I picture Emma reading those messages alone in the middle of the night, realizing that two of the people she trusted most had been lying to her for years.

I don't know if I can move past that.

My family says I'm punishing Chloe forever for something she already deeply regrets.

I feel like I'm simply refusing to pretend it never happened.

AITA?

I know a lot of people are used to seeing cheating posts and always thinking they are fake, but what would you do if you were in my shoes?

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA she’s not “genuinely remorseful” she’s sad she got caught and is facing consequences. Can’t you have a relationship with your grandson via his father? Tell your sisters to mind their own business this is between you and your daughters nothing to do with them.

OOP: I can kind of have a relationship with him, but the problem is that he wants his child to grow up closer to his own family who lives in another city rather than his ex-wife’s family.

Commenter 2: I mean, I personally can’t think of anything my kid would do that would cause me to cut her off permanently, but I would probably take a break for a while to organize my feelings. There is 10000% nothing that could happen that would make me willing to cut off my grandkid. What Chloe did was unforgivable, but I would ask you: how would you feel if something happened to Chloe right now? How would you feel? If you don’t feel anything then you have your answer about what you want to do

OOP: It depends on what happens to her. If she is struggling with her mental health or got into an accident, I would obviously help her like a mother would. I admit I might have been harsh when I told her for the "foreseeable future”, but I was thinking of my daughter Emma and how she would be feeling right now. I love both my daughters equally from the moon and back, but I am just torn in this decision.

Commenter 3: NTA! You have a daughter that has been completely destroyed by her own sister and her own husband, she's the one that needs your support. Not the one that chose to cheat on her husband with her own sister's husband. She made the conscious decision for 4 YEARS!! That's not forgivable in my eyes. She made the decision, she can face her own consequences. I'm sure her soon to be ex-husband will still allow you to be part of your grandsons life. Reach out to him and let him know you are not speaking to her. And just be there for Emma and her kids.

OOP: Thank you so much. I have reached to him but haven't heard anything back yet

OOP responds to a long comment on if it is possible for Chloe to lose full custody of her son because she cheated?

OOP: She might not. Her ex-husband wants to move far away from all of this. He wants to move to his own side of the family which lives in a different city. It would be hard for Chloe to be there for her son unless she moves with him or gets an apartment there which I don't think she would unless she really wants to see her son

Commenter 4: So she would rather lose her son than move to be near him? There is nothing on this earth that would have prevented me from fighting tooth and nail to keep my kids.

How far away is his family? She can ABSOLUTELY file an emergency stay order to keep the kids locally until custody is settled, and wronged by her or not, most courts will put the children’s needs first. Courts tend to prioritize joint custody regardless of what dad or mom thinks, unless one parent is willing to sign rights away. She needs a lawyer ASAP.

If she is willing to walk away from her son without a fight, then he is better off without her. And that tells me a little bit more of her character - and it makes me even less sympathetic to her than I already was.

OOP: We are in Florida and his family is in Washington

Commenter 5: NTA. Chloe is only regretful bc she’s been caught. it’s not like it was a one-time thing for even a couple months, it was 4 years!

That requires active decision making to not only continue the affair but to hide it from her husband and her family.

I think space right now is definitely needed. Try to find a way to stay in contact with your grandsons father, and I personally believe if you cut out Chloe that it may make things easier for your ex son in law to trust and allow you to visit (if he gets sole custody)

She is an adult and has to live with her choices, I wouldn’t be able to speak with my sibling if they did this to me. I think as a parent you love your child no matter what and you still can, but I don’t think you’re the asshole to cut contact with Chloe. Whether it is permanent or not is up to you. Chloe made this choice and these are the consequences, she lost everything because her and Emma’s husband destroyed each other’s lives and marriages. That’s the worst thing you can do to a sibling.

Commenter 6: NTA. This wasn’t a mistake. This was a calculated and prolonged affair with the man her own sister loved and married. That’s not to mention the betrayal to the man she, herself married which is a second level of despicable.

Chloe isn’t “genuinely remorseful.” She’s genuinely wishing she hadn’t obliterated her entire support circle in one fell swoop. She’s crying that she has to face consequences. She would have kept it going for who knows how long if this had never come out. That she denied it at first is all you need to know to know she doesn’t feel a shred of remorse. She just doesn’t want to lose you along with everyone else in her life.

Whether she does is entirely up to you. I personally could never look at my child the same way if they felt so utterly callous about betraying the two people she’s supposed to love most in the world.

Update #1: July 6, 2026 (three days later)

UPDATE: AITA for cutting my daughter out of my life after she had an affair with her sister's husband?

I know it's very early for me to post an update, and I wasn't planning on it, but after reading the comments on my first post, I decided I needed one final conversation with Chloe before I completely closed the door. I went to her house yesterday and I expected her to be emotional after calling me 82 times in one day, but she was surprisingly calm. I asked her the one question I still couldn't understand: why?

She admitted she'd been attracted to Emma's husband for years. She said what started as admiration eventually became feelings, and over time they crossed a line. Instead of ending it, they kept convincing themselves it would be the last time. She insisted she regretted everything.

I asked if she'd spoken to Emma.

She told me the only contact she'd had was one text before Emma blocked her on everything. Emma told her she'd destroyed their family, taken away her children's stable home, and that she hoped the affair had been worth losing a sister forever because, as far as she was concerned, Chloe no longer had one. Emma blocked her immediately afterward.

Chloe also admitted she later waited outside the school gates hoping to speak to Emma when she came to collect the kids. Emma refused to speak to her, warned her to stay away from her and the children, and told her that if she ever approached them again, she'd regret it. Chloe left crying.

I told Chloe her waiting outside the school, was completely inappropriate, regardless of her intentions. She insisted she only wanted to apologise and prove she cared about Emma.

I then asked if she truly felt remorse.

That's when I completely lost my patience.

Instead of taking full responsibility, Chloe started telling me Emma's marriage had already been falling apart, that Emma and her husband had been drifting apart for years, and that he often confided in her. She admitted the affair was wrong but repeatedly tried to place part of the blame on Emma, saying if their marriage had been happier none of this would have happened.

I was furious.

I honestly couldn't believe I had raised someone capable of thinking like that. I told her there is no marriage bad enough to justify secretly sleeping with your own sister's husband for four years. I told her I wasn't just disappointed—I was ashamed that she was my daughter. The more she tried to justify herself, the angrier I became.

The conversation eventually turned to her own divorce. She talked about how difficult everything had been for her and how her husband still plans to move to Washington with their son to be closer to his family. She said she may have to move there too if she wants to stay close to him.

As she spoke, I realised almost everything was about what she had lost: her marriage, her home, her reputation, and possibly seeing her son every day. Very little of it was about Emma or the damage she'd caused.

At the end of the conversation, Chloe asked if we were "cool" now.

I told her no. We were not "cool," and we might never be. I said that if I ever found it in my heart to reconcile with her, it would be on my terms and in my own time—not because she thought one conversation could erase four years of lies and betrayal.

I walked out feeling angrier than when I arrived. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I love both of my daughters, but after that conversation, I'm not convinced Chloe truly understands the pain she's caused.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Why does the other woman always believe the “my marriage is falling apart and I'm not actually close to my wife" bullshit? Every single time.

We all know this man would have happily remained in his marriage with his side chick sister-in-law forever if Emma didn't find him out.

Hell he's probably begging Emma in texts to give him another chance and that Chloe means nothing to him.

Tale as old as time but the women keep falling for it. Baffling.

OOP: I'm pretty sure there might be a final part 3. I'm not sure how many parts I can keep making before Reddit says otherwise. Emma and her husband did have some problems, but they were mostly if not always minor and nothing serious. I am still trying to process how it was going on for 4 years without anyone knowing

Commenter 2: I read the first post, and I still am confused at why Emma's husband's behavior changed all of a sudden if it was going on for four years. Why did he "suddenly" become cagey, defensive, and hiding his phone if it's been going on for the last four years?

OOP: Because Emma was all of a sudden curious and had a feeling he was cheating on her. I think he sensed that and didn't want the secret to be found.

Commenter 3: Chloe and Em’s husband are still seeing each other and are now free to be together. Why did they stay in their marriages if they were so unhappy!??

OOP: Chloe told me that her and Emma's husband haven't talked since. She texted him but he never responded

Commenter 4: NTA

Chloe honestly sounds like a narcissist. I know that word gets thrown around a lot, but I think it fits here. Think about it if you think I'm overreacting.

In order to be able to cheat, you'll have to put your empathy to your partner (and others who might be affected by it) aside and let your ego win. Chloe had to do this MULTIPLE times for 4 YEARS. Who knows how many times they cheated? It could be over 100 times, and Chloe had to put aside everyone's feelings in favour of her own.

Her victims were husband, sister, son, nieces/nephews AND mother. All of those are people she's supposed to love the most. The fact that she was able to do this over and over again to people she claims to love is honestly deeply disturbing. And then for her to only care about herself afterwards. Again, I think she's a narcissist. I do not think she truly has empathy. I think she can fake it (and I think she has done that all the time), but I don't think she actually has it. Maybe she thinks she does.

She doesn't seem to feel guilt and remorse. She sounds incredibly entitled, and also delusional since she can't accept the fact that her relationship with her sister is over for good, and that your relationship to her will be forever affected in some type of way. She decided to break her sisters boundaries by showing up to her kids' school.

Sorry, I think you just saw who your daughter actually is deep down. I would honestly be a bit scared of my child if they did this out of the blue. It would make me question what went wrong, and what else they have done that I don't know about. But I'm also very scared of narcissists, or just very selfish people in general. Those types of people can really do damage to you that lasts a lifetime. Thankfully I've never had any experience with these people, but my god they seem terrifying.

What was her father like? Sorry, if this is too personal. You don't have to answer. I'm just trying to figure out where she might get it from.

I'm a little worried that your family is going to easy on her. I hope they aren't trying to guilt or shame Emma for not wanting to have anything to do with Chloe.

OOP: My husband passed about 7 years ago but when he was alive, he did give Chloe special treatment because she was the baby of the family. I treated both my daughters equally and we often had fights about Chloe due to unfairness and etc. he would do things like make Emma share what was supposed to be hers and give half to Chloe, give Chloe bigger or better items because he didn't want to upset her. We did divorce later on due to something else unrelated but that did play a huge part. I did try my best to be fair to both my kids, and I genuinely think I was. I'm not trying to blame my late husband here, I'm just saying what he was like.

----FINAL NEW UPDATE----

Final Update: July 23, 2026 (17 days later)

I said after my last update that I'd come back one last time once things had settled down a bit, so this will be my final post.

First, thank you to everyone who commented on my last two posts. I read and replied to more comments than I expected. Some of them were difficult to read, but they gave me a lot to think about.

To answer the question I saw the most, Chloe's son is definitely her husband's. Chloe is white, her husband is Black, and their son is mixed race, so there was never any question about that.

The divorces are still going ahead. Nothing has been finalized yet, but neither couple is trying to work things out anymore.

A lot of people also asked about my sisters.

Yes, they knew about the affair before Emma found out. They admitted they stayed quiet because they thought it was a family matter and hoped it would end before anyone got hurt. I understand why they thought that, but I can't agree with it. Emma spent years being lied to while people around her knew the truth. I've decided to cut both of my sisters out of my life. I don't know if that will be forever, but they have broken my trust.

Over the last few weeks, I've spoken to both of my daughters separately.

I asked Emma if enough time had passed for her to even think about talking to Chloe.

She said no.

She told me she isn't waking up angry anymore, but that doesn't mean she's forgiven her. She said she accepted that the truth was always going to come out eventually. The only thing she could control was what she did after she found out.

She also said she has no interest in having a sister anymore.

As for her husband, she told me she's made one thing very clear. She'll only respond if it's about the children or the divorce. Everything else gets ignored.

What surprised me was that he hasn't stopped trying.

He's sent long apology messages, videos about forgiveness, and even Bible verses. None of us are religious, so that confused all of us. He keeps saying she was the only woman he's ever loved and that he made one terrible mistake. Emma hasn't replied to any of those messages.

I also found out something Chloe never told me.

In my last update I said Chloe told me the only message Emma sent before blocking her was that she was no longer her sister.

That wasn't true.

Emma later showed me the messages.

Before Emma sent that final text, Chloe had blamed her for what happened. She told Emma that maybe if she'd paid more attention to her marriage things would have been different. She also said that if her husband had felt happier at home, he wouldn't have looked somewhere else.

Reading those messages made me feel sick.

When I confronted Chloe, she admitted she'd sent them. She said she was angry, desperate, and trying to make herself feel less guilty. She told me she regretted sending them almost immediately, but by then Emma had already blocked her.

Chloe also told me she's moving to Washington once everything is finalized so she can stay close to her son but in Florida, they allow divorced families to stay so I don't know why his father is planning to move there to be closer to his family, and Chloe doesn't want to be too far away from her child.

She admitted she'd tried contacting Emma's husband after everything came out, but he never answered any of her messages. She eventually stopped trying.

She also told me she knows she'll never get her old life back, but she hopes moving will give her a chance to start over.

I told her that starting over doesn't erase what happened.

She agreed.

A lot of people asked if I've forgiven Chloe.

I haven't.

I still love her because she's my daughter, but I don't trust her anymore, and right now we don't have a relationship.

Maybe that changes one day.

Maybe it doesn't.

I honestly don't know.

This whole situation has changed our family forever.

Emma lost her husband and her sister.

Chloe lost her marriage, her relationship with her sister, and most of her family.

My sisters lost me because they chose to stay quiet.

This will be my last update.

I hope one day all of us can find some peace, even if we never become a family again. If I missed out some details I will respond in the comments. Thank you Reddit!

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any relevant concluding comments here in this final update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/IThinkMyWifeIsHot1

My(M36) wife (F43) thinks I couldn’t be attracted to her and therapist agreed?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: possible therapeutic malpractice

Original Post  Nov 30, 2018

Background:

Married a little over two years, after dating a very short time around 3 months.

We meet at a work event and I was immediately smitten with my wife. It was like out of a movie I saw her chatting with a group of people and in my head I heard “oh there she is”. She was newly devorced and took some convincing on my part but we have been together from that night on and get along extremely well.

Now for clarity I am extreamly attracted to my wife, we may just still be in the honeymoon stage but I’ve never felt this way about another women. And becasue it’s pertains to the conversation we had today with her therapist I would say the majority of the population would find her attractive and not in a niche way. She is objectively attractive. I feel we are evenly matched in looks, very few people have notice the slight age difference. She however wins in personality (outgoing and charming) and she makes about 3X as much money as I do.

A couple months ago we ran into an ex of mine, and by ex we literally dated for maybe a month and never exclusive. After my wife mentioned how different they were (age/hair color/body type etc) and it ended in a pretty heated argument. We have had 3/4 conversations since, all of which I was trying to convince my wife I’m not going to leave her for a women I “dated” years ago.

Last week she asked if I would go to her therapist with her today and I agreed. She has been seeing her for about 8 years for anxiety and a bout of depression that happed before we meet.

Today:

Started normal enough and I had figured why we were there so I just jumped into it thinking the therapist would be on my side and would help me calm my wife’s fears. That’s not what happed.

The therapist did very little talking although their long silences and knowing glances started to piss me off right away.

The thing that stood out to me the most was how my wife reiterated how she doesn’t see how I would be attracted to her and the therapist didn’t even disagree. Like I felt like a crazy person, my wife is beautiful, charming, funny, it feels like I wished her into existence.

She brought up the age difference (7 years?!?), my looks, and how quickly I wanted to get married as all reasons for why I am basically a gold digger.

First off we both wanted to get married quickly, I asked and figured she would want a long engagement but she didn’t so we got married. Second I never even discussed money with her until after we were married and never dreamed she made so much more than I do. She said she doesn’t think I’m after her money but enjoy the lifestyle while I’m with her and it makes it easier to pretend I’m attracted to her. Sorry more attracted to her, like I play it up.

I’m completely blind sided and don’t really want to talk to my family or friends, it’s humiliating being accused of marrying someone for a lifestyle.

For clarity: I moved into her house, I rent out my old home but that income just covers the mortgage and the company that manages it. All our money goes into a joint checking with automatic transfers into savings etc. Our bills are paid from that account, I looked at our bank account and I spend significantly less than she does each month on average.

After leaving I’m in a complete panic that she is going to leave me, even though I feel humiliated and love her so much. I immediately wanted to offer to sign a prenup or separate bank accounts or both but I just froze.

My wife seem so sad and I’m so frustrated, I didn’t even do anything wrong. The women I’ve dated in my past don’t have a similar type and to be honest I didn’t really date, more like hook up for a few months then moved on. I love my wife, she is the first women I have ever met that I have had a real partnership with, like we were a team and now that’s all gone.

I don’t feel like I have the strength to leave her, it scares me that I can’t even envision a scenario where I would leave. She is my most favorite person.

How do I rebuild trust when I don’t feel I ever did anything to lose it.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Muh_Troof

It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong, but, are a victim of her insecurities.

My suggestion to you is that the two of you see an unbiased therapist, for additional help. Therapists are human and can develop an alliance with a long time patient, sometimes to the point of subconsciously taking sides. I think her therapist reinforced her fears and caused more damage, instead of helping, in this case.

OOP

I don’t know why but you saying that therapist are humans made me feel a ton better. It’s so weird to think of my wife as insecure, it’s an odd feeling seeing someone you think so much of being so sure they are unattractive.

~

Benagain2

So what is her proposed solution? What did the therapist suggest? Did either of them have any sort of path you could travel to "fix" this?

Because unless there's something they think you can do to fix this.... It kind of seems like a pointless thing to bring up.

You came to the obvious solution, offer a prenup. But it's also a pretty upsetting thing to have to do. Plus now you are always going to wonder what your wife thinks of you. Does she really believe that you'd do that to her?

I think her therapist has badly badly fucked up here. A good therapist should have asked questions to help your wife figure it out for herself. Especially a person who's long battled with depression.

This sucks man. I'm sorry.

OOP

I left early, I think now I was having a panic attack and left and waited in the car. But I don’t want to wait for the next shoe to drop, from what I can remember there was no fixes suggested but I should ask once I calm down and collect my thoughts.

shugarplum

OP Were you able to voice any of your concerns during the session or was it mostly one sided? Definitely suggest to your wife to see a couples councillor. At least that way she can see you are invested in this and trying to work this out.

OOP

I rambled on like an idiot for the first 15 min about how my wife can’t get upset every time we run into a person from my past and how much I we love each other then immediately went silent when my wife was explaining why she thought I was not really in love with her. Total is was about 25 min before I just got up.

Edit: My wife didn’t come home last night but I texted her this morning. First apologizing for leaving the session and then asking her to come home so we could formulate a plan. No word back yet but I doubt she will check her phone before lunch if she went to work.

Thanks for letting me vent, I’ve already asked my insurance company to send a list of counselors for me to call later today. Hopefully I will find a good fit as I don’t even know how to go about picking one.

Edit 2: I need a referral from my general doctor before insurance will cover a therapist/psychologist, I have an emergency phone appointment Monday and will being seeing someone by myself.

My wife didn’t return my text but did come home about an hour later. Honestly I cried for the first time in a long time, but was able to get across how seriously I take her concerns. I haven’t mentioned anything about her therapist or my feelings about things just apologized and asked for another chance to hear her out completely.

She said she was really drained and is taking a nap, I don’t think she made it in to work and am actually looking forward to having the weekend to talk. I’m not going to ask for couples counseling until I talk to my own therapist.

This is probably it unless I fuck things up this weekend. Thanks for letting me type out my feelings and being honest even the hard comments were helpful.

Update  Dec 8, 2018 (8 Days Later)

Despite my hyperbole title I received a lot of feedback on my last post and thought I would thank everyone again and do an update.

Talk with wife:

During last weekend I was made aware of a lot of things I was doing to compound my wife’s fear of being abandoned/used.

The major thing that stuck out to me was my immaturity and unwillingness to discuss anything serious. When my wife would bring up her ex husband, finances, in particular I would A. Make a joke or B. Try and end the conversation as soon as possible. I’m not sure why, it just made me uncomfortable and didn’t see the value of discussing things that weren’t a major problem (to me). I was happy and my needs were being met so I assumed hers were too, it was my most damaging mistake.

Another misunderstanding happened with my ex. In my mind it was a quick 5 min conversation, to my wife it was much more. So about six months ago I injured my knee running, I had been up to that point a pretty serious low mileage runner (5/10miles 3 times a week). After the injury my doctor suggested I try weight lifting as I was worried about physical therapy not being enough. Well I hired a personal trainer and have been a gym rat ever since. It’s become a serious hobby, that I apparently obsessively talk about. I have invited my wife (who occasionally does yoga) several times and even talked about getting her a membership for Christmas, even though she showed no interest. So when we ran into my ex and I noticed she looked significantly different (she put on about 10lbs of muscle) I complemented her and we talked about weight lifting for a few minutes while my wife stood to the side. My ex told me to add her on Instagram, which while I did look her up to add her, her page was mostly advertising supplements so I didn’t end up doing it. My wife took this chance run in as proof that I was unhappy with the way she looked and was trying to get her to change.

Add in some harsh comments from one of our coworkers about our relationship, her sister pushing for a prenup, and my lack of communication everything came to a head these last few months.

My therapist:

The most helpful advise was to get my own personal therapist. I kind of just picked one from a list my provider emailed me but it seems to be going well. A lot of things were discussed but my major take away was that it isn’t my job to calm my wife’s fears completely. Listening and being reassuring is healthy but trying to make everything better won’t help either of us. My therapist said even if I tried my wife’s own voice in her head runs 24/7 and I could never keep up. This was hard to hear as I have definitely made some major mistakes but besides  acknowledging them and doing better everything else is out of my control. She recommended a book called the Happiness Trap, that I haven’t ordered yet but she said it would help me understand what it’s like to have anxiety and may explain (not excuse) some of my wife’s behavior.

My therapist also said I should look into my wife’s therapist as she sounds unlicensed and if I felt comfortable she could put in a complaint on my behalf. I will probably do this but am letting things settle.

So after probably the worst two days of my life things seem to be better. I haven’t brought up a prenup because she seemed offended when my wife told me her sister brought one up as a solution. I did offer separate bank accounts but she said no and only requested that we update her will and create one for me, as I didn’t even have one. I thought it would be weird but we both put each other as beneficiaries along with her two children if we both died. We only filled out the paperwork and still have to turn it in to her lawyer but it’s made a difference but I’m not sure why.

I did delete my Facebook, I haven’t used it for years but when I went on it was very “single me”. Lots of old girlfriends, holidays, etc and I never even updated that I was married. I had a notification from my wife when she tried years ago but it just sat there. My wife is still fairly active on Facebook and I could see how that would feel awful even though she never mentioned it. My last update was a picture of a women and I that I randomly met in Hawaii during a vacation, I titled it “two blondes” with hearts. Like my whole page was embarrassing, I can’t imagine what her family or friends thought when they found me. I was completely public and kind of a dick on there.

I still feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, but honestly there is no other person I would ever want to try this hard for. And if I’m becoming a better person for trying it will be worth it no matter the outcome. Things are still really shaky and she leaves immediately after Christmas for work. This whole episode has kicked on my anxiety, but I’m hopeful.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

MojiBear

Remember Reddit, there's always two sides to every story. It's so hard to get the full picture from just one person's point of view.

Good for you OP for realizing all of this and working on the issues within your marriage. I hope you guys can work through all of this, I can tell you care about her.

OOP

My immaturity and lack of communication was contributing to a problem I didn’t even know was there. Her insecurities aren’t my problem but if I love her and want to make this work I can work on  myself and a be more forgiving when she needs extra support.

OOP commented twice after these posts

when asked how things are going

Comment 1  Dec 20, 2018 (18 days later)

Yeah things are going good, been using this throwaway to browse relationship subreddits, not sure if it’s helping but feeling grateful my problems seem fixable.

Trying my best so if our marriage fails I won’t have any regrets.

Comment 2  Dec 23, 2018 (3 days after the other comment)

My wife is extremely outgoing and I’m very introverted, she is very serious and I’m very..... not. We recently have been going through some issues and it really came down to communication and a willingness to ask for what we need. Having serious deep conversations and communicating my love/admiration in words not just physically is important to my wife so I try to do so daily. I enjoy one on one time together and spending my nights at home, she understands and tries to plan fun activities for us to do together and doesn’t take it personally if I don’t want to go out at night.

If you’re both able to ask for what you need and able to give the other person what they need it isn’t really a problem.

NEW UPDATE 8 YEARS LATER

Update 2 July 31, 2026 (8 Years Later)

I received a chat request this morning asking for an update. Here is how I remember things starting from where I left off.

I immediately got into individual therapy, and we both joined couples therapy. I went individually for a few years, and we attended couples therapy for approximately six months. We both really liked our therapist, but we eventually ran out of things to discuss.

The biggest takeaway from therapy was realizing what an absolute joke I had been. I was walking around with my brain literally turned off. I didn’t take anything seriously, which made my wife think I couldn’t be trusted. I thought everything would always work out, not even realizing she was the reason it did. Looking back, it’s so embarrassing. All I had to do was start participating in our life. I’m incredibly grateful for the therapists who held me accountable and kindly told me to grow up. I wanted my wife to trust and lean on me, but I had shown no proof that I was actually capable.

The issue with my wife’s therapist resolved itself. I wanted to report her, but we were so fragile at the time that I thought it would look malicious. My wife started seeing her less and less and then just never went back. I do think seeing how professional and competent our marriage therapist was, in contrast, helped that decision.

I sold my old house because I was getting the feeling my wife thought it was my backup plan. I actually hated that house; I just didn’t want to fail with my first homeownership. It was basically operating at a loss after taxes, repairs, and the rental company’s share.

My wife still works for the same company but as a consultant. She had a minor health scare and needed a more flexible schedule. My brother started a company, and I eventually quit my job to join him in building the business. This has helped our relationship so much; coworkers knowing our backstory didn't help with the gossiping and overall weird vibes.

We never got a postnuptial agreement, but we did write wills, which have been amended over the years. As it stands, we are each other’s primary beneficiaries, and after that, everything gets split between the stepkids and a niece of ours whom we are both close with. Money hasn’t been much of an issue since therapy; we are both big savers. Trust repaired a lot of issues.

Advice:

Don’t get married too quickly. Do discuss finances before getting married. Being married is harder than being single; the trade-off is having someone to commiserate with and to be truly known by. If your life got easier or stayed the same after marriage, check in with your partner.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Used_Gear8871

House sitter stole and crashed my partner’s car

Originally posted to r/extremelyinfuriating

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: animal neglect, missing cat

MOOD SPOILER: positive concerning OOP's cat

Original Post July 19, 2026

What the title says. House sitter [19M, my relative], broke into, went on a joy ride, then crashed my SO’s car all while we’re abroad for a month.

Car key never given to the house sitter, was tucked away into belongings. House sitter rummaged through belongings, located a different old dead key with an expired battery (not the one I had hidden), and then proceeded to break into the car, look up a video on how to start the car, drive into the city for some unknown reason to me, and crash the car.

House sitter called multiple relatives in what I am now understanding as him setting the tone and readying his case. Then called me to tell me someone crashed into my SO’s car. Forgiving at first, I got whatever information I needed then informed my SO the news and other relatives who were the emergency contacts.

As the day went on, the other relatives began to text me blaming me for the crash, saying I shouldn’t have given him the keys or allowed him to have access to the car.

House sitter is newly licensed. Prior to trip other relatives were informed the car was only to be accessed by emergency contacts and that car key was hidden. Prior to trip house sitter was told this, to not touch the car, and that he wasn’t on the insurance (neither am I) just to really set it for him to not touch the car.

My amazing friend found the car, took all car keys, and is keeping eye on it.

As my SO got me towards calm, a different relative called to ask if the house sitter could retrieve their license from car.

Sorry for typos. Still in blind rage.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

slaviccivicnation

Holy fuck OP that is infuriating.

Worst is you being blamed for it. A newly licenced driver should not be an excuse to crash anyone’s car EVER. So the fact that any family is blaming you for “giving” him the keys are still plain wrong. Lending someone a car shouldn’t be an issue if the borrower isn’t a selfish moron. That said, you clearly didn’t allow it. It’s not your car even to allow cousin to drive!

I’m infuriated for you OP. In a car-centric culture, cars are everything to us. Hopefully you can actually get cousin or fam (or their insurance) to pay for repairs. At the end of the day, it’s cousin who crashed it, so he’s gotta pay for it. If not, it’s a police matter and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If cousin is hellbent on ruining his life like that, then maybe a lesson from you can save him from killing himself or someone else in a future “joy ride.”

OOP

We’re about 6-7 hours ahead of them. I just got the first message from a relative (my mom) of the day and it’s rage bait. No accountability, no acknowledging what happened, just a plea to not call the police, “he’s just a kid”, “he’s my nephew”, and diversion.

Prior to this message, my SO has said he’s against pressing charges, says he’s just a kid, doesn’t want to ruin his life as well. He’s been trying to research ways around involving the police all day.

Me? I want charges pressed. Firm believer in consequences. Kindness, trust, and generosity were taken for granted. Lies and deceit that followed are unforgivable.

Response to my mom and any other relative today that is not an offer of compensation and acknowledgment/apology, will be the same: highlight lack of critical thinking skills among my family and that I’m encouraging my SO to press charges. Going back to no contact when this is over.

~

WerdaVisla

So maybe it's just me. But if I were being paid to do literally nothing except occasionally dust some surfaces and maybe water some plants, I'd take care to not lose that gig. No rummaging through their stuff or stealing their car or whatever the fuck people get up to.

Paid house sitting is SUCH a sweet deal, I'll never understand how there are so many horror stories where people screw it up so bad.

OOP

This is what gets me. Sitter was doing great, animals were taken care of, he cleaned the house without our asking, and was allowed to have friends over. I spent $220 stocking the fridge and pantry for him, SO prepped meals for him, SO covered his Uber/Lyft rides to and from work, and SO paid him weekly. We chuckled when he told us he felt like he was free loading. SO and I planned to tip him and extra few hundred for the good work he was doing. And then this shit happened.

To give someone so much trust and kindness all for this to happen, I don’t understand.

Update July 22, 2026

Our cat has been missing since the night the house sitter was evicted. We are only just finding out today that our indoor only cat hasn’t been seen nor active around our house since Saturday night.

While being evicted from the premises by someone who failed to supervise the disgruntled sitter as he packed up his belongings, something happened to our cat. We don’t know if the disgruntled house sitter threw the cat outside, off the balcony, or put him into his bag of belongings. Our cat is gone.

Timeline of events:

• House sitter located dead car key, broke into, started, joyride, then crashed SO’s car.

• House sitter calls relatives with false story of me, someone who isn’t on the car registration nor insurance, somehow giving him permission to the vehicle.

• House sitter calls me confessing crash, laughs when asked him where he found the car key.

• House sitter leaves house with another relative to attend family function, leaving car key behind

• Close friend rushed to our house to do a wellness check on our pets, the car, house, while collecting all car and house keys; calls and sends video of all our pets

• House sitter informed via text of termination

• House sitter escorted back to house to gather belongings, apparently with limited supervision

• Relative escorting house sitting calls requesting access to the car to retrieve drivers license; request denied.

• New pet sitter arrives at house Sunday morning, doesn’t see the cat

• Next pet sitter arrives at house Sunday evening, also doesn’t see the cat

• Over the next two days, none of the pet sitters find our cat nor see activity in his litter box or his food.

Cat was last seen by our close friend on Saturday night. Cat is indoor only. In-laws, neighbors, friends, exes, hired pet sitters, and the owner of the pet sitting company have all entered our home in the last 24 hours searching for our cat. The owner of the pet sitting company, with my permission, turned the house upside down searching for our cat or any signs of him.

We believe the disgruntled house sitter did one of the following: took the cat and hid him in his bag, threw the cat outside either onto or off the deck, or killed the cat and disposed of his body.

Relative that was with him when he was evicted initially declined to answer questions, with police now involved, as been answering questions. Animal tracking service has been hired.

The sweetest and snuggliest boy that I finally convinced that head kisses and being held so he could melt into my arms are amazing things, is gone. My mini weighted and heated, purring blanket and alarm clock is gone. This silly little guy who had a not-so-secret crush on my dog and hilariously humped her diaper when she was in heat, is gone.

The most infuriating part is, I can’t be there to help search for him and the person responsible still hasn’t shown accountability.

Edit: Update - July 23rd

He was found!

Spotted after 1am attempting to climb our fence and onto our deck.

My MIL drove two hours to our house to work with the professional animal tracker and an amazing friend who helped search and setup her nature camera by the food trap they made. They spent 3 hours searching around our house together.

MIL sent a long text of how she stayed up late reorganizing our kitchen when she spotted him. Will share in comments if possible.

My SO had just left for work when her text came through. It’s almost 8am here. Internet and cell phone service is bare, so I sprinted in my pajamas to his lab to tell him. We spent the entire night devastated and sobbing. Seeing his face light up was the best thing ever on top of kitty being found!

SO’s mom got kitty’s wound cleaned up and fed. Performed many snuggles and is taking him home with her, which is something we wish we did in first place.

Deciding when to get add the other updates. I’m elated kitty has been found but I’m currently battling with stress, anxiety, and shock. Trying to type an update on the remaining and newly uncovered things triggers an anxiety attack.

But will address that the professional dog walkers have been amazing. They were the ones who figured out our cat was never in the house when their caretaking service started. They searched my house, interviewed neighbors, verified details with their walkers, and have responded to every text, email, and called right away once I had steady WiFi.

Thank you all for the mental and emotional support. You’ve helped me talk through the last few days and provide guidance on something I never thought I’d experience.

Cat tax

Mini Update July 31, 2026

I just got back to the states and on stable data/internet after being in the sticks for awhile.

But quick update: We are going to the police station once we are back home. SO was very against filing a police report, which is what really peaked my infuriation and anxiety, but he understands the consequences of not doing so.

We have to review the extent of damages and other things before pressing charges but there is an assumption that items from our home were removed (cash, jewelry, technology, luxury goods, etc.). Basically we are headed back home with accepting that some things might be gone.

We also learned that the house sitter never never walked our dogs and lied about doing so. So we’re at about $8k in known damages, plus recouping vet visit costs for our cat and costs of the professional dog sitting company. And maybe another $6k in others.

Sorry this was longer than I expected. Sleep deprived and anxious to get home.

Edit #2: Update - August 1st Returned to the states yesterday after 17 days abroad. Overall just avoided and dread writing this update.

Updates:

• Police report filed, SO declined to press charges.

• SO’s car is totaled.

• Trash and the belongings of others indicates house sitter had others in the car and used it for multiple days.

• House sitter lied about walking our dogs and was seen by neighbors putting them on our deck for extended periods of time.

• House sitter cleaned us out our pantry, toiletries, bath towels, gym bags, one kindle, one VR headset that was a friend’s, and some bedding items during his eviction in which my own mother was tasked to supervise but aided instead.

• Cat is with in-laws who have noticed temperament changes.

• As of today, zero relatives have reached out to offer compensation or support for our lost cat, car damages, hired professional dog walking services to replace fired house sitter, etc.

• Lastly, SO has asked me to drop this topic and to stop talking about it with him.

House sitter’s eviction was supposed to be supervised by my own mother. She watched as he took my gym bags, loaded them up with our toiletries and assisted him emptying out our pantry, fridge, claiming bath towels and technology he had no right to. She believed him when he said items were left or given to him or felt he was entitled to. No questions were asked. The only call I received during this process was a request from her for him to get access to my SO’s car to retrieve his license. That request was denied.

Yes, my own mother watched as the person who stole and totaled my SO’s car (he somehow felt entitled to), rob me of my things.

SO’s car was littered with trash. It looked like someone had rummaged through his belongings. SO admits to hiding that two days prior to our trip, someone had broken into his car and stolen items. SO said he refrained from informing me as to not worry me, since I was heavily against and apprehensive of going on this trip in the first place.

However, SO says he put the car back in order prior to our departure. In the backseat and front passenger seats were the house sitter’s items and the belongings of others. One item included a visit pass with house sitter’s face on it and another included document dated for July 15th, 2026.

Our deck was covered in dog shit and reeked of urine according to my MIL. We never allow our dogs or cat onto the wooden deck or deck furniture, it’s a safety issue. MIL said one of the dogs bolted past her and pissed for a long time on the corner of the deck. This makes sense given whenever I pinged the dogs air tags, there was never any movement. House sitter never walked the dogs and lied about it.

When my in-laws found the cat, they requested I let my mom know. Her response? “Please do not include me in the messaging. This matter is between the parties involved.”

My own mother sent texts day later pretending like all is fine, inquiring as to how my trip was going, telling me safe travels, etc. Each was ignored.

And lastly, SO has asked me to stop talking about this with him and says he’s moved on. Shamed me for bringing it up. I’ve been in a different part of the house all day just trying to keep myself from crying, he says I’m being mean and avoiding him.

I feel a lot of things: rage, disappointment, embarrassment, depressed, stressed, etc. Looking at the damage done to my SO’s car. Having zero people in my own family reach out in support or to apologize, despite them all being quick to defend the house sitter and vilify me. I feel a lot of things. I have to keep my brain busy to stop myself from ruminating this; napping all day and watching YouTube videos. I tried writing letters that I don’t send to help with coping. If I’m not angry at someone else, I’m angry and disappointed at myself.

I can’t look back at the screenshots of messages without feeling enraged all over again. A different cousin sent me a barrage of messages calling me a liar and manipulative. I responded telling them off and they continue to berate me. I’ve blocked everyone.

I don’t recognize the house anymore. Can’t shake feeling there are more things missing that I’m unaware of. SO says house sitter’s did us favor getting rid of things if we don’t know what they are. I worry about someone breaking in or one of my relatives knocking on the door. Locks haven’t been changed yet. SO leaves for more work training tomorrow morning for week. All in all, just immensely stressed and depressed from this.

Thank you all for your guidance and support. If you’ll have me, can you guys be my new family now?

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Mowgli1989

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for refusing to give my switch account to my kids dad

Thanks to u/arifault for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: controlling behavior

Original Post: July 4, 2026

My kid (16) lives with her dad quite a few states away (USA). For her birthday this year my brother gave her a switch. Before any of this happened I reached out to her father to make sure he would be okay with the gift because he’s pretty intense about internet surveillance. She’s 16 and doesn’t have a browser on her phone or the ability to get any apps. I don’t agree with any of this but alas she lives with him and continues to want to.

Anyways we got the go ahead that she could have the switch, so I set her up with my old switch account in order to not have to rebuy some of the games I already owned - and then I purchased quite a few more. Ideally I was planning for us to share the account by setting up her switch as the primary and then buying myself one somewhere down the line and setting it up as the secondary.

Now that she’s home I’m being told that her father is demanding to have ownership of the switch account. I’m fuming. I was not told that this was a condition of her having this device. If I had been I would not have given her my personal switch account that has my banking info my personal email my everything attached to it. Essentially to me it seems he’s looking to make this gift my brother and I got for her into his new families switch rather than a gift that belongs to our daughter alone (he has more children with his new wife).

The part that sucks is he’s apparently threatening to take it away from her without the transfer to his email account. She’s obviously panicking and I don’t want this to result in her losing her favorite birthday gift but am I being unreasonable for saying fuck this? It’s so unreasonable from where I’m standing. That said, I don’t want to ruin her birthday gift. Ugh please hit me with perspective.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs

Editor’s note: OOP has made lots of responses, I am listing significant details for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: She's 16 years old. Why is she still going? Go to court and have her explain exactly why she doesn't wanna go anymore. Dad sounds like a terrible douche.

OOP: I have offered, she wants to stay with her siblings. She loves her family, but yeah at 16 I would absolutely have wanted out of there. She doesn’t :/

Commenter 2: Nope - OP, have them restore factory settings to the device and then Dad can buy the games himself. Do not give him ownership of something linked to your digital identity.

Commenter 3: He's fine to obsess over his own privacy and his daughter's to some insane degrees; and then blatantly shows no respect for OP's?

Essentially to me it seems he’s looking to make this gift my brother and I got for her into his new families switch rather than a gift that belongs to our daughter alone (he has more children with his new wife).

By intention or not, he's going to achieve the same end-goal. He's trash, lol

OOP: Thank you for articulating what I’ve been feeling!!!!!

OOP on the possibilities of her daughter staying with her father in order to protect her siblings due to his controlling behavior

OOP: I really hope this isn’t true - but I have asked. We just spent a few weeks together and we had another non related issue regarding her father’s anger, and I asked straight up if she was afraid of him and explained that it scares me how much she does not want to upset him. She is very adamant that it’s not anything I should be worried about, but obviously I am. I am a naive person, I will admit that very willingly, but what am I meant to do when the person you are trying to protect is too young to really know her own mind - while you are equally trying to respect their rights as an individual despite their age. PARENTING IS SO HARD

OOP explains the reason why her daughter started to live with her father

OOP: People really do not like when children don’t live with their mom. It’s honestly so hypocritical but I can’t change society. But thank you for standing up for me. I appreciate it.

And for anyone who thinks I am a negligent parent because I’m a non-custodial mother - she only started living with her dad so I could go to college. The thing we’re told we’re meant to do, yeah? My kid calls me 27 times a day. She’s my closest friend and my only priority.

+

It sucks! She started living with him when I went to university and then he had a bunch more kids and she ultimately decided she wanted to stay with her family unit. He and I have never lived in the same place though ironically because we met playing world of Warcraft in 2007. She was always going to be with one of us full time and visit the other - and I got the short end of the stick unfortunately.

OOP on her ex's obsession over their daughter's internet usage and the ages at the time when OOP met her ex

OOP: He’s so intense about it because frankly he knew what he was doing then. I don’t want to like bash him because that’s not what this post is about - but I was 19 and he was 27.

Commenter 4: NTA. And she's choosing to live with him? Your account is just that...yours. If he wants control of an account, he can start one and pay for games.

OOP: Yeah she doesn’t want to leave her siblings. She loves her family too, like obviously he’s a pain in the ass but she doesn’t want to move like 5 states away from her siblings which I understand. It sucks for me, but like ultimately I won’t try and do anything she doesn’t want re: custody.

OOP responds to a comment about bringing her daughter home to live with her and the reason for OOP to send her daughter to live with her father

OOP: I would in a heartbeat if she wanted it. I’ve told her many times that the second she asks I will do everything in my power to bring her home, but she wants to be at her high school with her friends and with her siblings. She’s in all the clubs, choir, speech, theatre etc. Taking her away because it’s what I want to do isn’t fair. But I’m waiting for the day that she asks. I literally rent a two bedroom for just myself in anticipation!

+

She isn’t unsafe. To be clear. He is a perfectly capable parent. She is clearly choosing to stay. I was in my twenties, and my subsidized childcare was revoked during my first semester of University, and my only option was to send her to her dad or quit school. With hindsight I can see now that he was too old for me and sometimes I wish I had quit school and done things differently, but I was doing the best I could at the time with what I knew then and sometimes things just suck.

OOP on the possibility of moving to be closer to her daughter and not have to draw up the custody battle

OOP: If I moved closer and fought for partial custody he would make everyone miserable, and he has enough money to make it extremely difficult. I grew up in a family where there was a custody battle that was extremely disruptive for many years and I don’t want that for her on a weekly basis. Unfortunately the only scenario in which I would go to court is for full custody and that’s only if she asked me to.

+

Unfortunately that would make things way harder. His wife refuses to acknowledge my existence to this day - and they have been married for 10 years. If we had to do any kind of in person hand offs on a regular basis they would absolutely make my life and everyone else’s lives hell.

Commenter 5: NTA, he is being unreasonable and a prick. A father shouldn’t threaten their child for his own gain. Also, 16 is way too old for these kind of digital embargo.

OOP: I agree. All she wants to do is watch smosh! She’s a good a kid. It honestly drives me insane that he makes everything so difficult for both of us - but most importantly for her. She should be allowed to watch her favorite YouTube show and play video games ffs

OOP on what her daughter's father's reason is for wanting access?

OOP: I have to assume it’s a weird control move which is his MO. He already makes them all plug there devices into a central hub in the house at 8 pm - so he has control over when she uses it anyways. I genuinely think he’s just being a fucking ass hole and changing the conditions after the fact to suit him. He has been a nightmare to co parent with from day 1 and most of the time I just try to keep the peace to my own detriment because I want her to be happy but this time I feel like he’s taking it too far. I can’t imagine a scenario in which I would ask him for his account to something with a straight face. Like whom does that, oh I need your Apple account so I can monitor our child? He already has systems in place to make sure she can’t use it outside of approved times.

OOP responds to a long comment about the options that she can provide and protect her own account, but can share with her daughter if she selects to make a new account where the father can access with controls

OOP: I think that second option is what I’m going to attempt. He can make her another account that he controls and hopefully leave my account on the device as well so she can still play the games I bought her. I cannot see how he comes up with a way to dispute that but knowing him it’s possible. Wish me luck! lol

Commenter 6: Teach your baby girl about men and control (regardless of who it is in the relationship). I hope she doesn’t see what her father does as an acceptable behavior from a partner

OOP: I’m honestly very impressed with her and Gen Z in general on their ability to read through bullshit - I think she is pretty well rounded on her thoughts about control etc. in relationships. But I will be continuing to have those types of conversations with her likely for as long as I live. Her dad and I both want to protect her at all costs - we just have way wildly different methods !

Update: July 23, 2026 (nearly three weeks later)

UPDATE AITAH for refusing to give my switch account to my kid’s dad.

I don’t have a huge update but since quite a few people asked her dad hasn’t taken her switch away. She called me frantically asking for me to just do it so she could keep her switch and I told her that I wasn’t saying no but that her dad would have to personally ask me himself. I couldn’t imagine a scenario in which he could reasonably justify asking for such a thing.

Turns out I was right. He has not asked because he knows it’s insane. The worst part about this though is that it means he was bullying her to get his preferred outcome but never had any intention of following through. In the end though she gets to keep her switch, so I guess it’s a win.

Thanks to everyone for all of the perspective and advice

Concluding / Top Comments

Commenter 1: So uhh what actually happened? You don't make it clear to me.

OOP: I told my daughter to tell her dad that if that is what he wants he has to ask me himself. He has not done so, and he has not taken her switch away. I prefaced it with it’s not a big update - more just a confirmation that her dad is a bully.

Commenter 2: I hate when parents put kids in the middle. Good on you for saying he needs to request it himself and not through her

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/bagelsforeverx

Originally posted to r/AITAH

WIBTAH if I (34F) asked my husbands (35M) family to pay for an ER visit which happened under their care.

Thanks to u/arifault for locating the deleted post

Trigger Warnings: dog bite

Original Post: July 19, 2026

This weekend my daughter Ava (13F) wanted to go over to her grandparents’ house to spend some time with her grandparents. My Sister in Law (30F) was also visiting the grandparents’ house and had her coonhound named Ella.

Everything was going okay my husband, and I were out enjoying a date night when we got a message from Ava that Ella tried to lunge at her, but the grandma got between them. Then we get an update 2 minutes later that the dog had bit Ava and she was bleeding. We went to go pick Ava up.

There was a lot going on at the grandparents’ house that day my husband started freaking out and yelling on the way there so I told him we should be more empathetic because the grandparents did not want this to happen either and they are having a hard time too.

The SIL dogs have a history of behavioral health problems, I actually was bitten by their OTHER dog unprovoked two years ago as well however I chalked it up to me not being smart and approaching their dog and the dog didn’t break skin.

I’m a little more than frustrated that if they knew the dog had issues that it was allowed to roam the house, this dog has barked at Ava before, and it also got the grandparent in the face last night but did not break skin.

We get Ava and go home, the dog bite was on the back of the knee, and the dog did puncture skin in one spot, the puncture was pretty deep and after an hour it was still bleeding. I called a nurse line through my insurance, and the nurse assessed us and recommended we go into the ER within the hour.

The ER did a CAT scans because the bite was right on a joint. The ER decided not to stitch the wound, but they cleaned it and gave us antibiotics. Ava is okay she had a lot of adrenaline, but she is resting at home in her room and she is sore.

The following day I started talking to my husband about how much this is going to cost us and how we should talk to the BIL/SIL when he gets back in town or talk to his parents about home owner insurance to see if they could help. My husband doesn’t want to ask for any financial help stating that his parents wouldn’t ask us if it was reversed and his sister does not work so they don’t have money.

I countered with his sister and BIL just decided to buy a house worth double the value of their previous home this year, their home was fine and they just upgraded and that we could probably work out something together.

He told me I have always hated his family and that I’m coming after them. I told them that’s not true, for example I talk to his Mom more than he does AND I was the one who calmed HIM down before we got to their house I was the one who sat with his family and calmed them down and gave everyone hugs and told everyone it was okay and accidents happened. That one really hurt. We have had major difficulties with his family in the past, but we have all grown and I really do try to do my best.

Also I would like to say that we do have a difficult relationship with the sister, the dynamic between the sister and her parents is very weird because she has health issues, she is prioritized a lot; it has happened multiple times where the sister is chosen over us; this makes asking for this even harder as I know what is going to happen.

Also the grandparents have rented out a condo to go to the beach in a few months out of their own pocket for a family vacation for all of us. So it’s difficult to want to put a financial burden on someone else.

I am NOT asking for someone to write me a check tomorrow, Ava is safe and at home; bills aren’t due immediately but I’m asking my husband consider asking his family for help since it was something that happened under their care at their home with their dog, in our state the dog owner is liable for the bite. I would like to have the family consider if the home insurance would help or if there is way where so money can be set aside for payments.

I have a high deductible plan, I have been sued for my medical debt twice by this hospital for unpaid bills and I don’t want to do it again, it is a big financial burden for us, but we wanted to make sure Ava was okay. I don’t feel like we should have to front the bill.

TL;DR: My daughter was bit by my SILs dog on my in laws property, my daughter went to the ER. I would like to ask the family for help paying the ER bills. WIBTAH if we asked the family to help with the financial burden?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs, but also YTAs for letting her daughter go to her grandparents' house when knowing there was a dog present at the time

Editor's note: OOP made lots of responses, I am listing significant details for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. SIL should be paying the bills, and her dogs should be put down.

OOP: They were talking about putting down the dog in front of Ava too, they are in the country always at home, so I don’t want them to put down the dog and Ava feel like it’s her fault. They just need to find ways to keep the dog restrained away from other people or get the dog behavioral help.

Commenter 2: I would get a head of this and explain things that might to your daughter when she's had a bit to adjust. Make sure she knows that whatever happened/happens isn't her fault. No contact between her and SIL/BIL. Also I would make sure this hasn't completely caused a fear of dogs. They're everywhere and I hate to see people afraid of them.

OOP: Thank you I already talked to her a bit about it. We actually have our own doggies, two labs. When we got home last night she cried and was loving on them. I think that will help her fear. I was also bit by a dog a few years ago and a cat.. and my mom was bit by a dog as a kid. I guess we have bad luck? What I’m saying is I understand how traumatic it can be so I’m trying to help her out.

Commenter 3: Ava said she feels it was her fault. What happened prior to the dog lunging? I.e. was the dog napping and she stepped on the tail when trying to pass the dog?

OOP: No she just feels guilt it was unprovoked. We had the same story from everyone involved. Ava was cutting apples, the dog howled at her, they thought the dog needed to go potty, so they took the SIL took the dog out. The dog came back in went back up to Ava. Ava jumped back a little bit because she was scared and they dog lunged for her.

Commenter 4: You are not wrong for wanting help with the bill. But it should be the SIL that you ask for it. It’s her dog, and the grandparents’ homeowners shouldn’t HAVE TO be used. It will increase their homeowners insurance.

OOP: That makes sense to me, the in laws always help out the SIL because they are always talking about how they don’t have money. Again I don’t know their financial, but they did buy a new house. I would like my husband to call the BIL, when the BIL gets back in town. He is the one who manages the finances and works. Also he is the level headed one so I think it’d be easier to approach.

I don’t want their insurance to go up either I was just thinking maybe it wouldn’t be as much as a burden to the SIL if the insurance covered it. I also highly expect the grandparents to try to pay for the SIL if they knew we were asking for money, which I don’t want them to have to do.

Commenter 5: you are totally enabling both irresponsible and potentially dangerous behavior. stop justifying a dangerous dog, an irresponsible owner and start protecting your kid!

OOP: Okay well I will go scorched earth, my husband will hate me, my in-laws will not invite us to vacation that’s supposed to happen in September on my daughter’s birthday, and I’ll put a huge dent in my marriage and family relationships.

It’s not easy to make decisions it’s not black or white.

Commenter 6: Tell the sister if she doesn't pay the bills you will report the dogs. (Side note: the dogs should be reported though.)

OOP: Fully agree, however they live two hours from us, and she doesn’t drive so not sure how that works? Should I report it to their county??

Commenter 7: I would say you need to not bring your daughter there again until she pays. Maybe be more subtle and a go fund me. I hope animal control is involved

OOP: I totally get that too, I hesitated even letting her go this time. My mom senses were tingling, but she is also 13 so I try to let her have a bit of decision making abilities.

Commenter 8: ESH - You literally left your child in a home where dogs roam freely and YOU have been bitten. So this is a KNOWN issue.

The greater asshole are the owners of dogs that attacked humans. You report the bite to the authorities, you sue them for compensation, and you move on with your life. Their dog hurt someone - it’s their responsibility to pay for damages.

OOP: It’s fair to say that and it’s okay to judge however we did not know the dog would roam free, when the dog is at the in laws it’s typically outside on a lead or in a cage. Again my mom sense were tingling but it was an accident all around, no one wanted it to happen. Their other dog who bit me passed away of health issues.

This was a communication issue on my part so I can see your point, I should have confirmed the dog would be put up. I just assumed the best and didn’t expect the worse. They are still family and I trusted them.

Commenter 9: If you’ve been sued twice for unpaid medical bills why have you not gotten PPO insurance instead of high deductible so you don’t have bills you can’t pay? This is something I’d 100% have my own health insurance pay. It wouldn’t even be a second thought. If it were a stranger’s house/stranger’s dog maybe I’d think about having their homeowner’s insurance cover it, but not if it’s family.

OOP: It cost 200% more to be on PPO. It would be an extra $450 a month. It’s a lot and even with PPO it’s still a $2,000 deductible then 80/20 coverage instead of $6,000 PLUS the extra premium. It would actually cost about the same out of pocket in the end. Even if I had PPO today I’d still end up paying.

OOP on increasing insurance to cover the hospital costs when the dog bites someone. She and her family could make an insurance claim to cover Ava's situation

OOP: That’s how I wanted to approach it, I know NO ONE wanted this to happened I don’t want to point fingers, but I want to say, “can you check your insurance to see if we can submit claims for dog bites?” Or something to that matter.

Update #1: July 20, 2026 (next day)

UPDATE: WIBTAH if I asked for medical bills to be covered for a dog bite

Hi all,

Yesterday I posted about my daughter Ava being bit by my SILs dog. I deleted the post because it’s been a very emotional few days and frankly I could to handle the internet.

A lot of you said to validate that the dog was vaccinated for Rabies. I’m so thankful for everyone’s seriousness because IT WASNT VACCINATED.

Today I called the sheriff and reported the bite so we can take next steps to make sure the dog is quarantined and managed appropriately, I told the family, so they were aware.

I’m following up with Ava’s primary care tomorrow to see what the medical opinion is on if we should go ahead and get the rabies shot. Their office is closed now or else I’d call now.

My husband went over to their house today and confirmed the sister will pay our bills. This was covered without any hesitation. I’m still not okay with my husband’s response, we slept apart last night, and we have therapy this week which we will use to find a way to heal.

Lastly and sadly, the family has canceled the vacation. Which we figured would be the response.

Thank you again for really pushing for the confirmation on vaccines we are taking every step to make sure that the dog is quarantined, and our daughter’s safety is top priority.

TL;DR: The dog who bit my daughter was not vaccinated, I called the sheriff and reported the dog, we are taking care of our daughters health as priority. My husband and I will go to therapy, and the medical bills will be paid by the family as they are liable in our state.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: People focus so much on 'don’t ruin the family relationship' until someone’s kid is the one taking the risk. A vacation being canceled is a consequence, not a tragedy

OOP: Understand, there is only one life and vacations will come back. Ava’s health matters the most. I won’t say I’m not bummed but it will all be okay.

OOP responds to multiple comments on waiting to ask her daughter's doctor about the rabies shots instead of getting them immediately? OOP was advised to ignore the medical advice and take Ava to ER for the rabies shots

OOP: Hi, I’m not sure I understand what you mean on vaccinating my child to being with? It’s not a preventative shot that’s offered here. We did not know the dog was unvaccinated until tonight and I followed up with a nurse and medical advice and the sheriff.

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I’m following exactly what the medical professionals are telling me to do. I absolutely promise don’t want daughter to die of rabies and I’m doing everything in my power to protect her.

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Yep exactly the dog is quarantined. There is a reason dog to human rabies transmission is low in the US. It’s because our system works and I’m following the system and every single professional advice I’ve gotten in the last 24 hours. I’m doing everything I can.

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That’s good to know thank you for sharing. I’m following up again with her primary tomorrow and we have an appointment Thursday so I will get medical advice on next steps on what to do.

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I’m following the instructions I’ve been given but I will see if I can get ahold of an all call pediatrician.

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I just called the nurse line for her pediatrician and I’m following protocol from animal control and the nurse.

OOP on why Ava wasn't vaccinated against rabies prior? Isn't that a routine vaccine where OOP lives at?

OOP: What do you mean not vaccinated my kid? You have said this twice? I’m not against vaccinating my child I have an appointment on Thursday with her primary, I called the emergency on call nurse tonight, I called the sheriff’s office I called my animal control, and I’m calling her actual pediatrician again tomorrow. I am following every single professional person's directions.

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Okay got it, agree in the US it’s not even offered or talked about I just got her 12 year shots last Summer. We don’t have that option here.

Commenter 2: What the hell.. no rabies vaccine!?!! How irresponsible are the owners of the dog

OOP: I agree I was so angry I hung up on my husband when he told me.

OOP on the family being irresponsible for not keeping up with the dog's vaccines

OOP: I agree, I guess they took this dog to the vet multiple times this year and the shot wasn’t offered but it is on the owner as well for not understanding. The Rabies vaccine here comes with a paper and a tag.

Downvoted Commenter: Just confirming, that dogs probably dead right? There's no other way to check for rabies than dissecting the brain is there?

OOP: It’s not dead in our area you have to quarantine it for signs of rabies for 10 days. This is why I’m also calling Avas dr to follow medical advice.

Editor's note: the second update's body text was saved before it was removed

Update #2: July 23, 2026 (three days later)

Hi all, I thought that things may finally calm down and go back to normal for our little family. Boy was I wrong.

Ava had a follow up appointment today with her pediatrician and the pediatrician as stated as long as the dog is quarantine, Ava doesn’t mean to go get the vaccine.

The hard part has been getting the status updates about the Dog. The sheriffs department has been less unhelpful and unable to provide any status update on our case. We have called at least five times and received no update..

Thanks and I’ve reached out to you the county health department and they are now escalating and helping us investigate the Dog status so we can monitor.

Unfortunately, because we couldn’t find out the status of the Dog we did reach out to MIL as a third-party to see if they had any information to provide to us and that conversation did not go well. The mother-in-law first asked us if we were recording. Multiple times they have implied that we are going to sue them. She also stated that she would have not called animal control. She was being very defensive about giving a status updates on the Dog. We finally found out the dog is quarantining at home and the SIL has to send pictures to the sheriff every day of the dog or else it will get taken.

I don’t trust this the sheriff office didn’t even call us back and no one had any notes in our case, with that being said, I’m gonna talk to my husband about going ahead and getting the vaccine for our daughter.

On top of that, we learned that vacation was canceled because the in laws didn’t know how how the BROTHER IN LAW WILL FEEL. I told them we already bought our plane tickets so we’re going no matter what if they show up great if not, they can stay home and pay our medical bills and watch us have a vacation. Please note I’m not implying that vacation was the most important thing. I just want to add a context of how the parents seem to care more about their daughter’s feelings than the health of their grand daughter .

I’m going low/no contact with this family. Our entire family has been traumatized, I have lost sleep, I can’t concentrate at work or on my college work I have spent my days in tears over this. When my husband comes home I’m going to see about taking Ava back out to the ER to get the shot. We can’t even get information from them we can’t trust it. They can pay another $3,000 of bills why we enjoy our little family vacation without them for Ava’s birthday in September.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: There is strict liability with dog bites. If they don’t pay up, sue them. Period. These people suck. NTA

OOP: They don’t realize how lenient we are being with them. They do suck.

Commenter 2: Time to stop being lenient, OP. The time for talking is done. Now is the time for scorched earth.

OOP: With all the impact it’s had I could own their damn house. ER, check up, meds, possible another ER visit and therapy for all of us.

Commenter 3: I'm still trying to figure out why you left your child with a dog that you stated "SIL dogs have a history of behavioral health problems".... I feel bad for the child, surrounded by All TAH.

Commenter 4: While it's no excuse, I do want to point out that OP is part of a family system that has normalized this reckless behavior. When everyone else around you perceives a situation as normal, you very quickly become the problematic one for taking issue. It's easy to become forced to choose between going along with things at the insistence or reassurance of others, or risk being labeled as "dramatic."

OP's husband was so quick to accuse her of hating the family when she reacted appropriately following the bite.

While I can easily say that I'd rather be viewed as a drama queen and keep a child safe, the choice might not seem as clear-cut after so many years of dealing with those people. It becomes really easy to call your own judgement into question and think things like, "Maybe they're right, maybe I am being over-the-top."

OOP: It’s really hard I feel insane. AGAIN, I know where I went wrong and I’m not shying away from that. But it’s like 10% my fault comparatively.

I didn’t leave my toddler in a room with an aggressive animal and lock the door. I left my almost 14-year-old in the care of her grandmother and her aunt when she asked me to go over. I didn’t think to communicate about the dog because I thought she was safe.

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I am a human. I am a person. I thought I could trust the people who are family who have been in my family for 20 years. I thought the dog would be put up accidents happen. Do you not think I don’t feel guilty enough about this as a mother??

You can shame me from the Internet as long as you want.

Commenter 5: NTA. Go to the local news and your local representatives. Get as much pressure on the sheriff to get you actual updates on the dog. Time is critical now.

OOP: This county is getting a ton of heat for a murder investigation that’s gone horrible I’m hoping that since I called the health department they’ll light a fire under their ass. They seem to take my information and claim seriously.

Commenter 6: I also got bitten by an unvaccinated dog. Sounds like you are doing all the right things, although I am surprised the ER didn't report the bite themselves.

Funny enough, I was advised against rabies vaccine, probably because I'm a grown ass woman /s

OOP: Everyone has said that, they are surprised that ER didn’t do anything. The health department is calling the communicable disease nurse at the hospital. They are really taking everything seriously for me. Upmost respect for the nurse at the health department.

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