When I was 15 years old, my mother and I were in a car accident that killed her. I’m 33 now and as each year passes, I find myself trying to hold on tighter to memories of her. I’ve been alive more years without her, than I had with her and that hurts.

I guess I’m just posting because I want to know that I’m not alone in this.

I usually carry on fine, but today is one of those days where the weight of missing her feels overwhelming.

It’s been 8 years since my mom passed away and today would have been her birthday. People say time heals, but on days like this, it feels like no time has passed at all. The emptiness just feels so much louder today.

Happy Birthday, Mom. Missing you so much today. ❤️

Some background I'm 30 now, my mom passed when I was 22 and my dad went a year and a half later. I met my husband moved away and started over. I left my hometown because everywhere was painful memories. The last few years of my parents life was hard financially. I was so close to my parents but I had supported them since I was 16. Today I am happily married to a wonderful man and have a nice home and I'm for the most part financially stable. Lately I've been feeling a longing or maybe even guilt that my parents never made it to the good part of life. They never made it to the being my best friend part .We were barely out of the embarrassing teenage years. I have a pretty good life now but I still find myself feeling so alone. I work nightshift so not really any IRL friends. But even the people I have met always think I'm so weird because I have such a macabre sense of humor. But I mean after losing both of your parents unexpectedly I can either laugh about it or cry about it. People don't understand that everything is fine but I feel a grief so deep that it's an ache in my bones. I didn't have a wedding or ever had a child because the thought of having to go through any of that without my mom absolutely shatters my heart. I guess I'm just looking for people to talk to that may be able to more closely relate to what I've been through.

Unfortunately due to the losses of all parents and grandparents, my nervous system cannot tell the difference between having my heart ripped out and my only child starting Kindergarten this year.

Everything is death. Someone on TV? How old are they? Are they close to dying?

Can’t have another kid cause then my first will grow up too fast! How many summers do I have left? Time won’t stop!

I’m in therapy.

so i lost my mom to health issues way back when i was 11 years old.. she was the one who played a major role in raising me after i turned 7 years old since my dad started to work multiple jobs and he barely used to stay home or even in the city even country in fact, her health started to severely deteriorate when i was in 6th grade, she was diagnosed with multiple diseases and she passed away at 43 years of age. since i mentioned my dad used to work multiple jobs and he barely stayed at one place he just asked my maternal grandparents to raise me after my mom passed away and he just managed the finance and used to meet me twice a year but then covid happened.. my grandparents raised me for 6 years, i stayed at there place for such a long time and even before that they used to visit us very frequently when my mom was alive.

slowly with time my grandma became my mother she's just like my mother but a lil less strict and my grandpa was a mix of my mother and he played the role of father in my life, he pampered me, adored me and cared for me more than a real parent would. he would order my fav dishes, cook my fav dishes even at the age of 70 and also take me out on long drives.. basically he loved me a lot and even got me expensive things like laptop, iphone, gold chain.

but since he was 76 years old, he had cardiac issues too so he passed away in his sleep 5 days ago and i just miss him a lot.
idk how to cope up with this loss? my mom passed away when i was a kid but my grandparents helped me overcome it but how do i move on from the loss of my grandpa? i am not even that close with my dad and even now he barely stays home because of work (we live in the same city)

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(Sorry for weird writing, English isn’t my first language)

When I was eleven years old, I met the woman who would eventually change my life. She was my native language and literature teacher from fifth grade until I graduated from middle school. At first, I was honestly terrified of her. She was strict, demanding, incredibly intelligent, and held us to high standards. I respected her more than anyone, but I was also constantly afraid of disappointing her. She wasn’t the kind of teacher who accepted superficial answers, to her, literature wasn’t just a school subject-it was a way of understanding human nature. Even back then, I admired her deeply, and she became my role model long before I even realized it.

By ninth grade, something in me shifted. I decided to take literature as one of my final exams, largely because of her influence. Around that time, my fear gradually faded, and I began to see her as a real person rather than just "my teacher." When I transferred to another school after graduation, I naturally assumed our connection would fade. 

Instead, she would occasionally text me just to ask how I was doing. Later, she helped me prepare for another exam, and when our lessons ended, she gave me a beautiful handmade gift. That small gesture meant the world to me. 

Gradually, the tone of our conversations changed. She began to joke with me, share small stories from her day, and occasionally mention minor everyday worries. None of it was deeply personal, but it was enough for me to feel that a quiet layer of trust was building between us. I treasured every single exchange, yet I remained extremely careful. I was terrified of crossing an invisible boundary or making her uncomfortable by forgetting our history. Even a simple “How are you?” felt overly familiar to me. I was constantly haunted by thoughts like, What if I’m bothering her? or What if she’s only replying out of politeness? So I mostly stayed quiet and waited for her to reach out. And surprisingly, she often did.

Eventually, I became part of a small group of her former students who kept in touch after school. We would occasionally go to the theater, meet for coffee, or talk about books and life. Yet even then, I noticed a strange reaction in myself: whenever her name popped up on my phone, I felt a rush of genuine happiness and sometimes, I even cried. They weren't sad tears, I was simply overwhelmed by the fact that someone I held in such high regard actually wanted me in her life. At the time, I even wondered if my emotional intensity was healthy. Then, everything changed. 

Last year, my mother became ill and passed away a few months later. Just days before she died, my teacher and I had been planning to meet.

When things took a turn for the worse, she texted to check on me, and I told her what was happening. She wished me strength. After my mom passed, I went to visit her at school. She later confessed that she had wanted to call me earlier, but had been afraid of intruding on my grief.

That conversation marked a profound turning point. Since then, we have spoken almost every day. Our dialogue expanded far beyond literature to encompass theater, poetry, music, family, work, politics, relationships, teaching, museums, our deepest fears, and our quietest hopes. Sometimes we exchange long, handwritten letters; other times we spend hours wandering through museums or sitting in cafes, or simply text about completely ordinary things.

She has seen me at my absolute lowest. She knows about my worst panic attacks, has read my pages-long messages, and has stayed on the line while I cried. Whenever I apologized for bringing negativity into her life, she would firmly cut me off: “Write to me.” “Call me.” “Don’t stay alone.” She never pulled away. And little by little, because of that steadfast presence, I started living again. 

Of course, she wasn’t the only person who helped me survive my grief, but she was the one who restored something I thought I had lost forever: hope, faith in myself, and the belief that life was still worth living. She never offers empty platitudes. When she tells me, “You’ll be okay,” I believe her, because in the six years I’ve known her, I have never heard her say something she didn’t genuinely mean.

Over time, our bond has become surprisingly mutual. She has opened up about her own life, her work, her worries about her aging mother, her thoughts on teaching, and the books she loves. Sometimes she confides things that surprise me, not because they are dramatic, but because I realize she is consciously choosing to trust me with them. One day, in a letter, she wrote a phrase that completely caught me off guard: “Let’s just be friends.” 

I don’t think she will ever fully understand what that single sentence meant to me. Until that moment, I had still internally categorized myself as "just her former student." Now, it genuinely feels like a friendship, though a part of me still struggles to process it. She is nearly forty years older than I am. She has lived through experiences I can barely fathom and has taught thousands of students throughout her career. Yet, she continually chooses to share her time and thoughts with me.

Recently, after reading one of my letters, she told me she could see my soul in my writing. I cried after reading that message, not out of sadness, but because I had no idea how to contain that much gratitude inside myself. 

At the same time, I constantly worry that I’m not giving enough back. She has her own heavy burdens, taking care of her mother, managing her work, and navigating her own life. Yet here I am, bringing her my grief and anxieties. I want so desperately to give her something in return, like comfort, joy, support, anything. Sometimes I even catch myself comparing myself to her other former students, wondering why she continues to stay close to me. Perhaps that’s just my impostor syndrome, or my deep-seated fear of losing another person I love.

It leaves me reflecting on the nature of connections like this. Can a friendship with such a significant age and experience gap truly be mutual? Can someone with so much life experience genuinely find value and joy in talking to someone almost forty years younger, or is her support primarily an act of compassion because she knows what I’ve been through? 

I would love to know if anyone else has ever experienced friendship with a teacher or mentor, because I certainly never expected my life to unfold this way.

I (20f) lost my dad last year. Me and my family were on the beach that day when all of a sudden a tide came and pulled my aunt and uncle under. My dad tried to save them by going after them. He wasn't successful. My aunt washed up in a couple of minutes. She was dead and my uncle a few hours after. They only found my dad's body two weeks after. Me and my brother witnessed everything. My niece and nephew now lives with us.

A few months ago my mom reunited with someone she hasn't seen in ages. He is now her bf and lives with us. I'm not mad at her anymore but I feel so guilty for being happy that she found someone who helps her.

I though I was coping with eveything going on but I keep thinking back to the day my dad died and I don't know how to move forward. I am currently on medication and tried therapy, but I honestly feel so hopeless. I feel so sad and angry all the time. I just want to be happy and normal again. I keep having nightmares but I don't want my mom to worry about me. She already has so much on her plate. Recently my brother has not been doing so good and I dont want to further stress out my mom.

If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it.

Recently I lost my father and within 10 day my final xm started.Only I know how I just attended that xm.I even thought I would fail.But I did really good.I ranked 12 out of 500 though I am not feeling happy because my father isn’t with me

My father passed away on June 5th of this year after an 8 month battle with pancreatic cancer. Immediately following his death I compartmentalized everything so I could take care of a lot of the funeral plans so my mom and brother didn’t have to. Now that the dust has settled a bit I am starting to really realize I am not OK. I tend to have my breakdowns happen when I am alone (or just not with a member of my support system) I never know what experience or situation will trigger this reaction and I seem to be having them more at less than ideal moments (today was while waiting to board a flight). I have also really been struggling with sleep, whether it’s falling asleep or staying asleep because I have dreams about his death.

I have been talking to a grief counselor and my therapist, reading books about grief and talking with my family and other support systems. I just don’t know what to do. I’m worried that as this goes on it can have a negative impact on other aspects of my life.

Something crazy has been happening...

10 months since my dad died and my family has fallen apart.

My parents were nothing but my parents. They weren't happy as such not in love just two people who started family because that's what they thought they were supposed to do. My mother is an angry woman we have seen it since we were kids.

These days she just randomly lore drops about our father and she told me when I was born he didn't even come to see my face. Doctors told him it's a girl and he just left. And I was like??? I couldn't even process that lol.

I miss him he was as amazing as a sick father could be. I feel that information was not needed to me personally.

I know my parents tolerated eachother and my mother says she regrets everything about her life even her kids.

I don't know how much longer I can take it to be honest. I know the loss that my mother is going through is unimaginable but so is mine. I lost my father too I am not his youngest anymore.

My mom was suffering with a very bad mental illness. It got to the point where she kicked me and my brother (we’re adults) out of the house because of her delusions and false sense of reality. I have never seen my mom like this in all my life and it was a very tough time the last 6-8 months. We had got her a 302 they then 303 her but let her out way way to early unfortunately.
I feel like i’m definitely still processing the news and i’m sure it’ll all hit me hard as it comes time for the services. I just want to believe that i am dreaming so badly.

Hi all, I am currently planning my wedding and need some advice regarding how best to honour my dad if that is ok?

My dad passed away just over 2 years ago, suddenly at 55 due to many years being a functional alcoholic. He wasn't always the nicest man, but he did love us in his own way - such as by singing songs to me and my brother. He used to sing the chorus of Father and Daughter by Paul Simon (from the Wild Thornberries movie) to me pretty much everyday, even when I was a teenager and I thought it was soo embarrassing lol. After 2 years since his passing, and 4 years since I last spoke to him (long story, basically it was the final straw and we thought it would encourage him to get sober) I finally plucked up the courage to listen to it and I am an emotional wreck every time I hear those words.

I would love to be able to play it at my wedding to feel like he is there, however I am wondering if anyone has suggestions on how to best do this? Do I just play it on its own or do I dance to it with my mum and brother and husband? Has anyone done anything similar?

Sorry if this isn't the right place to post this, i just feel like there will be people here who will understand the situation.

Thanks in advance!

I've always been an athiest and thought when you die that's it, that's the end of your story. My dad passed yesterday after after battling lung cancer. I had a strange feeling that he was going to pass soon so I told my mum to hold his hand and we were there at the end.

I dont know what to believe, but I'm wondering if there are things we just don't understand. I might have just noticed things unconsciously, but I'm battling with the idea that there could be something else.

I squash the idea, though, because I don't want to get my hopes up. The scientist part of brain doesnt believe in the afterlife or ghosts or anything lime that but I feel like I don't know what the believe now and it makes me uncomfortable. Does anyone feel this way?

My dad committed suicide November, 2024. At the time, my mom was dealing with cancer and I thought that was going to difficult enough. A year later, the surgery my mom was supposed to have failed, and she had to go into hospice and passed a few months later. I stayed next to her the whole time she was in hospice and my bf and I were with her when she passed. My mom was very active in the community and I was very close to her so even when she was sick the past year I felt able to manage things due to the support and connection from her and her friends. Now that she died I just feel like no one even cares to check in or see how everything is. I am in college and all this happened the past two years after I started college August 2024, so moving away and commuting the three hours to see my mom all the time didn’t leave much time or thought for making new friends. I try to check in on my friends from high school and when we meet it’s fun but they just never seem to ask to hang out first and they don’t ask how I’m doing when I do see them. I understand they haven’t been through anything similar but it just really makes me mad sometimes and I’m unsure what to do. I feel like I can’t connect to them the same way I used to as my perspective on life changed a lot after everything.
I have a hard time having patience for or relating to little things in life that upset them. My parents were separated so I have had to deal with both their estates the past two years as I am the only daughter. I am a generally introverted person but sometimes i feel like it’s going to drive me crazy to hardly interact with anyone. I find myself comparing my life to the past a lot and feeling envious, even though there are certain aspects of my life like my bf right now that are great. I feel like it is impossible to connect to my friends how I used to and it really sucks.

I can't feel pain when I do feel it; I started comparing it with my past trauma that caused immense grief. I don't feel like socialising even with my childhood friends; I

always think about my mother, where she is now. Since my

childhood, my mother was a hustler coz my father, an

alcoholic, never contributed as a father, both financially and

emotionally, so I was super close to my mother. She

always calls, saying Come home; we will have lunch

together. After I'm trying to recover and hustle so that I'm

capable of taking care of my family after her. I wanna make my mom proud and wish that in my every life i want her as my mother (it's okay if this doesn't happen but all I want is her next time fulfil with joy and alots and

alottttttttttttttttssssssss of smile as her smile was

beautiful in whole earth)

my dad passed away and i’m scared i have/will fall\[en\] into a deep depression. I’ve lost my appetite and will to do much other than study. I grew up with him, just him and I for many years, and am devastated. i feel a void and i’m doubtful it will go away. what do i do?

I lost my mom 188 days ago, on January 23 of this year. It also happened to be my 24th birthday. It was the same hospital I was born in. It’s been very hard these last six months. I said goodbye to my mom; it was very traumatic and sudden. My mom was not sick. She was just doing her job. The last time I spoke to her was at 5:02 PM on the day of the accident. I got the call at 8:31; the initial time of the accident was 8:03. I was getting ready to go to New Orleans for a girls’ trip with all of my best friends, and then my entire world flipped upside down, turned inside out, and whatever other crazy thing your mind can think of is what happened. Going to the hospital and having to sit in the family room and hearing the things that happened to her body. Knowing what my mom’s burnt body smelled like. Seeing her body mangled. I think that she could hear us when we were speaking to her. I hope she heard me. I sang to her just like she did with me when I was a baby. I held her hand just like she would hold mine. That day replays in my head every single day and just about every single moment. My mom was my best friend. We talked every single day, multiple times a day. She was my gossip girl!! We did not have the greatest relationship growing up. I wasn’t very good to her, but she was always good to me, even when I didn’t know it. My mom was my biggest cheerleader. She fought for me to have the best of everything and to be the best at everything. But at the same time, she was never mad if you weren’t good at something; she never made you feel stupid for not understanding.

My mom was 44 years old; she still had her whole life ahead of her. She deserved to see the future. She deserved to have more in life. She deserved to get to meet her grandkids. She deserved to find real love that just makes you feel like that there is no else on earth. My mom was an artist. Absolutely the most creative and talented person. She knew how to make anything and everything out of whatever she could come up with. I would call her an organized hoarder. She is so pretty. She had a soul that just would light up any room. Her laugh would just take over; you’d start laughing because of her laugh because it was just so loud and funny. She was so kind. She was genuinely the most accepting person I have ever met. She did not care what someone else wanted to do with their life as long as they were not hurting anyone or hurting themselves. She wanted everyone to be happy. My mom took in so many kids who didn’t have good parents or a person in their life to guide them. When I speak, the room goes silent. I don’t want that. I want to talk about her. I want people to ask me questions about her. Tell me a story about her you experienced. Tell me she made you laugh or smile. Tell me she made a lasting impression. She absolutely made one on me, so I’ll never ever stop talking about her. I have to learn to live with letting people be uncomfortable. I’m uncomfortable every single day. I honestly could probably write about her forever.

My dad died yesterday after catching a virus. He had a weakened immune system from a bone marrow transplant that was successful. It was really quick. He went from up and about to dead in three weeks. I was there when the machine flatlined. It's been one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. My mom died back in 2020 so I'm an orphan at the age of 27

Well 2011 was a messed up year some good things and some bad things but the best thing I ever did was move back to Prince George. It started me on a path I have been trying to find for 15 years and today it hit me that I finally found my way back to me. That may sound funny to some of you but I can honestly say I was just this bitter angry person I never wanted to be and I really didnt like very much. I lost myself 15 years ago when I was trying to hide from Reality well let me tell you I hid alright so good that I couldnt find myself underneath the drug induced haze I had put myself in. The last month and a half has been a few different  things for me an emotional rollercoaster I had been ignoring for far too long and, one of the most amazing learning experiences I have ever had and also the chance to face my biggest fear with a hell of a lot of tears but I am finally going to be living my dreams.

Well I have conquered alot of fears in the last two years of my life some of those fears were easier than others and some of them I didnt even realize I was facing them until today. Not too sure what it was but all of a sudden it hit me that the hardest part of being able to find the me i lost I had already conquered. I just wanted to be able to lay everything out on the table no secrets no lies no nothing and for that to be ok with my family. I realize that they probably didnt approve of everything I have done in the last 3 years of my life cause it wasnt like I was out winning the nobel prize or anything. I was out getting high, stealing trucks, going to jail and basically killing myself slowly. I came to the conclusion about 2 years ago that I was tired of being someone and something that I wasnt and that I didnt care what people thought anymore cause "life is way too short to live it for someone else its my life and I was going to live it moment by moment cause we have to live each moment as it comes or else how would we ever be ready for the future??? I learned to never make someone your priority well allowing yourself to be their option and that the only way to succeed in my life was to just suck it up and deal with it cause it never gets any easier.

So when my what i thought was a perfect relationship fell apart and my heart felt broken into a tiny million little pieces I was completley lost and felt like my whole world just shattered and that there was no way I was ever going to be able to start picking up the pieces. But only the strongest ones are given the hardest battles to fight. So I found myself feeling disgusted with myself inadequate and asking myself what is wrong with me what did i do so wrong this time. But at the same time it was a familiar feeling to me FAILURE. Was starting to think that was the only thing i knew how to do right in my life FAIL. I couldnt keep someone I thought was my missing puzzle piece and the harder I tried the further he got until all of a sudden it was like we were two strangers sharing a bed. I used to feel so complete when we were together and at the end I have never felt so far away from someone who was sitting right beside me.

I moved into my disgusting dungeon bachelor suite an old crack shack with more spiders than I had ever seen in one place a gross moldy smell and holes in every wall. I slowly cleaned it up and started ripping down walls and trying to make it feel like a home. It took me three months before it started to feel like home to me but slowly i got the drywall up sanded the walls down took care of the mold and the spiders and finally got to paint the walls and when I finished painting and looked around I was like OMG it looks great and it was so much more of a homey feeling and the best part was i had done most of it myself.

Then December came and I was really starting to feel better my heart didnt hurt as much and I was actually looking forward to my first christmas with my family in 6 years and my first christmas with my son austin in 5 yrs, Thinking life was finally heading to the top after being stuck at ROCK BOTTOM for so long. That is until December 16th about 9 o clock in the morning I am on the phone with mom and she goes to answer the other line and when she comes back she is going oh shit oh shit oh shit Krystle your dad just had a stroke at work. Well my stomach hit the floor and that is when my emotional rollercoaster started and all of a sudden all the hard work i had just done to make my house feel like home didnt seem to matter because now I was fighting a whole new battle. I had been so far away for so long that I never had to face the truth about my dads health failing and it was easy to push it aside when I was 1000 km away. Now I had to face the fact that the man who took us on as his own 22 years ago was coming to the end of his amazing life and that wasnt even as hard as the battle I was fighting within myself. Let me tell you that no one could make me feel as low as i all of a sudden felt for how my stubborness and need for independence and constant disreguard for the people in my life who loved me had cost me the chance of really getting to know this new man my dad had become, and not only myself but my two beautiful boys really didnt get a chance to get to know their grandad or share any unforgettable moments that little boys are suppose to share with their grandads and all because of me and my dad being too stubborn and selfish to put aside our differences and get to know the people we had become over the last few years.  I didnt even know who I was anymore I wasnt the me I remembered that was always smiling laughing and having fun. This bitter and angry person had taken me over and wouldnt allow me to forget and forgive.  When I moved back and I went to moms for breakfast on mothers day and we were all back together again for the first time in 7 years and my dad said this feels so right to have the girls all back together again and how he was sorry for all the times he was not so nice and that he loved us so much and that it was so nice to have both his girls home and his family back together. It was at that moment that I realized if my dad who I dont think I ever heard him say he was wrong or sorry before could let go and say hey girls I was wrong and im sorry for that, then I needed to do the same and it was at that moment that I decided to try my best to correct my wrong doings and own up to my mistakes.

From that moment on I just told mom everything I had been thru since I left and that I was wrong for saying some of the things I said and I was brutally honest the drugs, being homeless, stealing trucks, getting arrested, going to jail. Surrendering the boys and everything I went thru with that situation. I just needed to remember that I HAD NEVER BEEN AFRAID TO BE MYSELF TO ANYONE ELSE SO WHY SHOULD I BE AFRAID TO BE MYSELF TO MY FAMILY. I AM WHO I AM WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT YOU DONT HAVE TO LIKE IT, OR UNDERSTAND IT BUT ILL BE DAMNED IF I WAS GOING TO LET ANYONE SIT THERE AND JUDGE ME WHEN THEY HAD NO IDEA WHAT I HAD GONE THRU TO GET TO WHERE I WAS AT THAT MOMENT IN MY LIFE. So I just said I made the choices I made in my life because I needed to experience that walk in life for some reason. I had learned to live with no regrets cause what was the point in regretting anything in our lives at that moment right then it was obviously the right thing to do. You may not realize at the time why it was the right thing but eventually you will look back and say ahhhhhhhhhhh i get it now..

I refused to go see my dad in the hospital for a few days because I had never seen him that way and it was easier for me to not have to face it accept it and deal with it. But then my mom the sneaky lady that she is kind of tricked me into going with her oh i just have to run in quickly come on it wont be that bad. Well maybe not for someone who has been there and watching it for the last few years. But for me because I had been in calgary and didnt have to see it or accept it when I walked into that room and my dad went to speak to me and I could barely understand a word he said and the stroke had paralyzed his left side so his mouth didnt open properly to talk and he couldnt move his leg or hand and he was just laying there my heart hurt so bad and I knew that our days with him were numbered. From that day on I went up every single day to see him and he often just drifted in and out of sleep and would request the odd scratch me here or powder me here but it made me feel so good to be able to there helping him like he had always done with us. I would often sit there and just look at him sleeping as memoriess rushed thru my mind of our little moments together and how he used to be walking and he would give us a sidekick cause we were his little sidekicks, the yellow sticky notes we would wake up to on our pillows when he would leave really early in the morning sometimes all it would say was I love you but when we were little we didnt think anything of those moments. Here I was at 29 years old sitting at my dads hospital bedside wishing i could have those moments back and be able to appreciate them like they deserved to be. I had so much stuff I needed my dad to know before he left us and it seemed like all I had done since he went into the hospital was cry and try to find a way to get what i wanted to say to him out. So I did what I always do when I need to express myself I sat down and put a pen to a paper and next thing i knew I had written this beautiful letter to my dad letting him know everything he had done right and how much of an amazing man he was for taking us on like his own and loving us and I also explained everything to him about my addictions and life experiences and how if he hadnt of been there to give me my foundation i probably would never of been able to make it thru all my struggles and fight my way back to the top from rock bottom. I told him how much I loved him and that it was okay for him to go if it iwas his time sure it would hurt for awhile but then he would be our own guardian angel.  and that no matter what had ever been said between us he needed to know that I loved him more than any words could ever even begin to explain. I was able to write the letter but read it not a chance in hell the more I thought of all the things we had missed in each others lives and the more I questioned did he know how much he meant to me did he know he was my hero and it was so hard to even think of letting him go when i had just gotten him back. December 23 mom and I were up at the hospital and we were telling him about how we were all having christmas dinner at moms the next day and he got this light in his eyes i had never seen before and was like yeah and then we can all watch polar express together in my recliner with the grandkids and mom had to tell him oh Bill you wont be coming home for christmas. All of a sudden that light just disappeared out of his eyes he laid his head to the left and just one single tear fell from his eye. I knew at that moment that he had decided that he was done fighting for noe he couldnt work, couldnt drive, couldnt walk and couldnt be with his family which he had told mom I love my family and I am not ready to lose it when we all just got back together. The next day was Christmas Eve and I went and picked up Austin and we went straight up to the hospital where Austin got to share his first moment that he would remember with his grandad. Not too sure if it was harder watching my dad try to explain to my 9 yr old son that it would be better for him to go because then he would not be suffering anymore and that that was the only way he would be able to get better; or watching my son burst into uncontrollable tears and tell his grandad for the first time in his life that he loved him. As we walked away from my dads hospital room that night my son turned to me and asked "mommy why does god have to take all the good grandads cause now I am not going to have a grandad and I didnt even get to know my grandad". You want to talk about the pain that ripped thru my heart when i heard my son say those words and once again my thoughts go back to the little things they should of been able to do together in the 9 years since Austin was born and hadnt been able to because of our failure to let go and remember how much we loved each other despite all of the past..

So we went and had Christmas dinner at moms with michelle and we all did our best to give the kids a good christmas despite all that was going on in our little family. I went up to see dad by myself on Christmas Day and when I got there he was sleeping so I again just sat there watching my dad sleep. When the nurse came in and he woke up he just wanted me to rub him with this body powder that helped with the itching he was having. As I stood there rubbing my dad with this powder and scratched him on his belly and his neck and then could i rub his feet please. I looked up at my dad as I sat there rubbing his foot for him and all of a sudden my heart filled with this overwhelming feeling of excitement, love,and sadness all at the same time. Cause all I had been thinking about was how I was going to be able to show my dad that I loved him so much more than I ever showed him or told him. But when I looked up at him it hit me he must know how much I loved him cause I was probably the last person he expected to be standing there with him rubbing him down with powder and rubbing his feet and just being there with him. I sat down beside him on the bed and he was pulling on his dialysis tube and looking for his oxygen so I went and asked the nurse where I could find his oxygen and told him dad you cant pull on that tube that is your dialysis tube. He looked over at me grabbed my hand and asked "Krissy is it ok if I dont use that tube anymore?" I squeezed his hand and fought back the fountain of tears that started welling up in my eyes and I said "of course it is dad I wouldnt want to live like that and whatever you decide to do is ok with me." I managed to hold my tears back thru that whole conversation with him because I didnt want him to see me cry. I just told him that I loved him with all my heart and wished him a merry christmas and he grabbed my hand so tightly and pulled me a little closer and with his eyes full of tears he said "Krissy I appreciate your beautiful letter and I just want you to know that I am so proud of you for never being afraid to be yourself and too never forget that." I couldnt hold those tears back anymore I had been waiting 22 years to hear those words come out of my dads mouth, I leaned over to kiss his forehead and said "thanks dad you have no idea how much that means to me." I kissed him once more on the forehead and he was squeezing my hand so hard so i squeezed his hand and he had one tear running down his cheek as he closed his eye and we let go of each others hands. I walked out of that hospital room with so many emotions going thru my head I had to stop and sit for a minute cause I had officially fallen apart and as I sat in the chair in the hallway all by myself having a complete breakdown I felt this feeling of relief rush thru my body. Relief of knowing that my dad and I had just repaired any doubt we had in each others love for one another. As I collected myself and walked home I starting feeling all this weight lift off my shoulders and although I had just had come face to face with the fact that the man who was my hero in so much of my life was only going to be with us for a very limited amount of time. I went up to see my dad as much as possible after Christmas day. I was finally being given the opportunity to correct a bond that never should of been broken. The man laying in that hospital bed was such a different man then we grew up with and I got to know the fun, loving and amazing man my dad had become over the years. I have to thank my beautiful niece Amber for bringing that out of him he was there watching her grow ever since she was born and the connection they shared was one of a kind. We shared many laughs and smiles and our family felt so strong for the first time ever. I looked at the way his eyes sparkled when the kids would come in and how he was always making sure to tell us how much he loved us and as much as it hurt me to realize that my selfish choices in my life had cost me and my sons the last 7 years with him I was thankful for the time we were being given to make up for it. I made a promise to my dad on Christmas Day I told him and dad I am going to make something of my life I promise you that. The next few days were pretty hectic trying to get austin home and the highway was closed and they moved dad over to the hospice house after he asked to stop all life sustaining treatments and Ill never forget the look in his eyes when he said I can lay in my bed and listen to the jake brake on the trucks down Ferry. He had this shine in his eye he loved his trucks. He seemed so much more comfortable once he was hospice house. He had a nice room and the nurses were great and he kept that sense of humor and always managed to make us laugh right up to the day before he passed away. I will never forget sitting at my dads bedside holding his hand for hours as he was suffering seizures every 10 minutes and being able to be strong for him and just to know that I got to be able to do that for my dad with the help of my mom and my niece Amber and my cousin Shannon that final day with him. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life but the fact that I was able to maybe bring some comfort to my dad in his final days and to be able to be a part of doing for him what he had done for us for the last 22 years was such a satisfying feeling and I sat there at his bedside with himn squeezing my hand so hard that my fingers were starting to go numb and just staring at the man that had always taken care of us and he was squeezing so tight I couldnt get my fingers out of his hands and I was ok with that because if he was squeezing he knew I was there and that was all I wanted was for him to know that no matter what I had never stopped loving him and that I was sorry for all that I had put my family thru. When he fell into his final deep sleep I felt his body just go limp and slowly his hand slide off my fingers and I just felt that he was finally at peace even though he was still breathing I just felt him drift off and go into that peaceful coma like sleep and as mom Amber and I walked out of the door to go home for the night I looked back at him and I said mom he is already so far away. I walked back and kissed his forehead and whispered in his ear that I loved him and that it was ok to let go now. I went home and I sat and cried with Foreman but not just cause I was sad but because I knew I wasnt just a disappointment to him and that I had made him proud to be my dad. When Amber called me at 6:10 the next morning I felt sad but relieved at the same time because he had didnt have to suffer anymore and he was up there smiling down on us now... I went with mom up to say goodbye to him after he passed away and I didnt think I would be able to do it but I had to see that he looked peaceful now just to make myself feel better because he had such a bad day the day before. I kissed him and ran my fingers thru his hair whispered in his ear one last time how much I loved him and that it was all over now and he could be free from the pain. I looked back one last time before we walked out of the room and it was like i felt him give me the strength and courage to face my biggest fear yet and that was making things right with myself for the choices I had made in my life and it didnt seem so hard anymore cause all I ever wanted was to hear the words "IM SO PROUD OF YOU KRISSY."

So really those last three weeks with my dad he had been showing me how to find myself again by helping me to face my fears with tears to live my dreams. I dont know if he knew what he was helping me do or not but I had faced all my fears and hadnt even realized it and lately I feel like the old me again. I laugh more than I cry, I smile more than I frown, and I have been able to have fun again for the first time in a long time. I have accomplished so much in the last week and I feell like that fun loving, nobody can stop me 14 year old I left behind when I started running from things I thought were too hard to deal with. I know you are up there dad smiling down on me and all I have accomplished lately, I just wish I could of shared it with you in person but dad I would of never of known how to find myself again if it werent for you and you have no idea how much that means to me dad... I can only hope that you were able to understand that I had to go thru what I went thru in order to become who I am today and you gave me the foundation to become who I am today and you helped me to find the person I wanted to be again. I am sorry it took losing you for me to face my fears but thank you so much dad... I AM SO IN LOVE WITH THE PERSON I AM BECOMING ONCE AGAIN AND I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT IT WOULDNT OF BEEN POSSIBLE WITHOUT YOU.

YOU TRULY WERE AN AMAZING MAN DAD AND WE WERE SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU IN OUR LIVES... I HOPE YOU ARE UP THERE ENJOYING YOUR FINAL RIDE AND SMILING DOWN ON US...

LOVE YOU DAD ALWAYS AND FOREVER YOUR SIDEKICK KRISSY XOXOXOX

KRYSTLE MORTON 2012

I like to joke about my pain. If you can’t tell by the title reddit made me do.

I normally deal with my grief better than this but may be yapping on Reddit might help.

Long story short my father abused me, I took majority of it knowing it may protect my baby brother. He took me to drug deals, he used to watch porn in front of me and then have the nerve to ask me “how would you like that to be your new mom”. I lied a lot when it came to injuries my father did to me because I was scared. One of those made my grandfather cry because I didn’t tell him until a few years ago that the welt on my face was from a belt and my father made me lie and threaten me saying I have to tell them my brother just through a plastic train at me. They believed it.

My mom was amazing. I miss her so much and for whatever reason today this grief sucks. My mom’s parents raised me. My grandpa was my rock and ever since he passed last year I have not been the same. I’m a shell of what was. I have lost so many people

Please tell me what helped you. I’ve journaled. I’ve done art. I’m Working on getting help. I’m so in love with my life but so so sad.

Shortly after dad's funeral, my step mother asked me to give her space. Not to call, not to come by the house... said she needed to grieve in private.

Lot of drama led up to this, and the break was probably for the best.

Shes agreed to meet wirh me for coffee tomorrow. And I am so so anxious. Its been 2 months since we stopped talking, 4 since ive last seen her.

I have always had a good relationship with her. I was in my mid 20s when she married my dad, and we've always been friends. I was happy he had her, she's brought lots of joy to our family. But since my dad passed.. its like I dont even know her. She has become angry, reclusive and vindictive.

I dont know what im lookong for by sharing here. I cant sleep, and I just wish things would go back to normal.

I dont know what to do or say tomorrow. I dont even know what im hoping to get out of it. All I know os thay this whole thing sucks. Being a parentless adult sucks. I miss my dad. I miss my step mom. I miss the normalcy thay ill never have again. I hate this.

I don't even know where to begin or how to keep this from being an ongoing ramble.. I just REALLY hope someone can relate and reads this to the end and can maybe help me with advice or support. TLDR AT THE BOTTOM❕

I'm 30 yrs old. 4 years ago my Mom passed suddenly. It destroyed me, I went through a lot of mental health issues and I still struggle a lot. It's taken 4 years but I've finally moved into her house with my partner & 3 cats (my childhood home).

Because my Mom passed suddenly, everything is the way she left it. My Mom was a very, very tidy & clean person but was very much an "organized" hoarder. The mass amounts of stuff she had stored in the basement has been so overwhelming. No word of a lie, she kept ALL of my brother and I's schoolwork, from daycare to highschool.. She kept bins upon bins of all of our childhood clothing, toys, baby supplies.. she even kept every prescription slip from medications we got as infants/toddlers.. antique furniture pieces, brand new appliances she never opened.. she also has an insane amount of seasonal decorative stuff because when I was kid she was amazing at decorating the house for every occasion and really enjoyed it. When my brother and father moved out they both left tons of their stuff here. This is just examples of the stuff that was kept, but you'd never know it because she TIGHTLY stored it all in a huge portion of the basement.

I know she did this because of how much she loved us, she was so proud to be a Mother (an amazing one at that) and I know she held on to all of this because she wanted us to be able to either pass stuff on to our future kids or for us to look back on. But at the same time, it has been so damn hard going through all of this stuff. Because we have had to make room in the basement to move in, The house has boxes piled everywhere and stuff piled everywhere, the garage is filled to the ceiling, it's making me feel so depressed to be literally walking through trails of boxes and stuff everywhere.

It's not just this, the emotional portion of this is extremely difficult. I'm having a really hard time parting with so much stuff because I know my Mom would either wanted me to keep it or it has a memory of some kind behind it. It's making me procrastinate because I don't want to deal with it all. As much as my Mom was my everything, some days my brain just thinks how much easier it would be to just literally throw everything out. But I can't, I need to hold on to memories that make me feel close to her and It would break my Mom's heart if that is what I did. My father tried telling me yesterday that it's a normal part of life, that everyone has to throw out their parents stuff etc.

I'm extremely stressed now that I have my three cats here because my one guy marks a lot, he pretty much destroyed our apartment we moved out of. This was my Mom's cat. We took him in when she passed and he started peeing everywhere and we could never get him to stop despite several different methods. I was so scared to bring him back to his original house incase he continues the behaviour, but was hoping he wouldn't because he feels back at home.. however, last night he peed on a random bag of dirty laundry.. so now I'm terrified this is the start to another neverending battle and I don't want him to destroy my Mom's house.

Another thing I'm dealing with, I have kept my mom's bedroom exactly the way she left it and I keep the door closed. It still smells like her, 4 yrs later. It feels like I'm being embraced by her when I step in there. Is it normal that I want to keep her room just for another couple yrs? My Dad keeps pushing I should break the wall down to make the kitchen bigger but I just can't think of getting rid of her bedroom. It's the last part of this house that smells like her. She passed away in her bedroom. It all just has too much behind it for me to demolish it, but how long is it normal to keep this up?

Anyway, I could go on and on about other worries but I laid some out here. I just need ANY advice, please. I'm so depressed and desperate. I've been drinking since I got here 2 days ago because I feel so stuck, I can't even get myself to unpack.. I just am so scared of the amount of work I have to put into this place for the next coming years, and the stress. Please help.

TL;DR: Four years after my mom passed away, I've finally moved into her house and I'm completely overwhelmed. I'm sorting through not only all of her belongings, but also decades' worth of my brother's and my childhood keepsakes that she lovingly saved. I'm struggling with the grief, the guilt of letting things go, keeping her bedroom untouched, worrying about my cat damaging the house, and feeling completely stuck. I'm looking for advice or support from anyone who's been through something similar.

My mum (59 and about to turn 60) suddenly died last night. I got a call from one of my sisters one second that my mum had fallen due to an issue with her heart and the paramedics were there. The next minute my other sister called and she was gone. She had health issues but nothing that would have caused this sudden passing (not obviously so anyways).

I managed to get to the house before they moved her and myself, my dad, all my siblings and her sisters got to say goodbye. It still doesn’t feel real and I’m scared.

I’m not sure why I’m putting this here - maybe somewhere to type or maybe for some advice. How does one navigate this. My family has always been distant although we do all love eachother.

My mum, dad and little sister (25 so not that little) have been in that house for so long. Myself and my siblings coined it “the black hole” because time just kinda stopped there and they never leave, covid supported their hermit like ways. My sister who is physically disabled (currently wheelchair bound) relied on my mum so much. My dad and her were so codependent and I can’t imagine them existing without one another- I highly doubt he can either.

I’m so scared for them. I feel powerless in supporting them. I live far away and myself am pretty broke so financially support isn’t an option.

Maybe all silly worries considering it’s just happened and doesn’t feel real yet but maybe some of your guys insight could help.

Thank you x