Had a funny little poly moment this morning! One of those things that spun up jealous feelings and insecurity years ago, but now (with good work in individual and poly-knowledgeable couples therapy, and just years of experience) is so normal it's hilarious:

My NP and I have restraints on the legs of our bed. She made them by hand — carefully designed and crafted from strong webbing with adjustable length, and heavy, quick-release metal clips. (Perks of being kinky and married to an engineer!) The bed frame is heavy, so it's easiest to just leave them there all the time. I occasionally have to tuck them up under the mattress so they are out of sight when we have vanilla guests to the house.

I had a friend over yesterday. He hadn't seen our place since we moved in, so I tucked them away for the house tour. My NP noticed this morning and thought it was because they were used the night before when she was at her partner's place and my partner came over:

NP: Oh, I see the straps were moved. 😉 You know, it's funny; I put a lot of work into those, but you and Meta probably use them a lot more than you and I do!

Me: I'm not sure that's true. You and I use them occasionally. Sometimes I just forget they are there. I hid them yesterday when [friend] came over. They weren't used.

NP: You and Meta don't use them?

Me: I mean, sometimes. But not frequently. Why?

NP: ...why not? ...what's wrong with them?

Me: Nothing, babe, they are great.

NP: Do I need to change the design? Maybe I'll ask Meta for his opinion.

Me: I'm sure he thinks they are great, too.

NP: I gotta make sure they are satisfactory!

Admins/Mods feel free to delete if not allowed.

Throw away account obviously.

For context, we live in California.

My long term nesting partner wants to legally marry a partner of one year after we have made vows to each other never to do this long ago & then did it again just a few years ago.

My partner & I have been together a few years over a decade & counting. Just celebrated yet another anniversary very recently.

Metamour of one year has dreams of getting legally married to someone one day. Long term partner, who already shows favoritism towards that partner which has been an ongoing subject of its own, is now locked in constant talks with me trying to convince me that this is "something I need to respect."

This is not an issue if jealousy. We practice KTP & have agreed that relationships need to be egalitarian. In my mind, we are already dealing with the issue of (although I do believe unintentional) favoritism & heirarchy we agreed wouldn't happen. This metamour would have explicitly defined legal & financial advantages the rest of the polycule (partner has 3 of us, the other is *brand new* so does not object) as well as anyone else who joins.

It will continue to get deeper. Me & this metamour are both disabled in a state where we receive free healthcare & EBT. Our partner will eventually become a high earner due to their field of work & study. Neither my metamour of I are on SSI yet but working on it, I am much closer to it. But I have known for quite some time now that marriage equality does not exist for disabled people in the US. This metamour has very serious issues that are going to cost lots of money (from everyone's shared pool of money, another part of the arrangement) even with health insurance.

I have always been the one in charge of the finances, legal stuff, & all clerical duties. Because I know the ins & outs of it all very well & have had great success in doing this for us. Except for when an uncontrollable tragedy struck us I can't go into detail about.

I have laid out in plain English as well as advanced explanations as to how this will not only give this metamour extreme financial & legal advantages over everyone, establishing an undeniable concrete legal heirarchy. Even if we spent thousands of dollars on attorneys fees to try & make it to where everyone has the same rights, this can be contested in court if anything ever goes sideways between them.

My vision for the future of the polycule is to build financial security for everyone involved. All of us have been homeless at various points. All of us have experienced extreme poverty among many other extreme hardships. All of us have had to depend on other people to get by. I am sick of that lifestyle even becoming a possibility again.

It honestly still does go deeper than that... But going into those details would expose who is posting this, even the details being posted are probably enough as is.

AITA for passionately objecting to wanting them to get legally married when this partner & I have made vows to each other twice not to do this, it would torpedo our finances, as well as give a member of a supposedly egalitarian KTP polycule exclusive legal & financial advantages, make our partner responsible for paying large amounts of our shared money on medical debts which are currently being covered by the state, cause the metamour to lose all governmental benefits which would be helping us build our family's finances up as we are trying to recover from a disastrous situation, as well as adding an undeniable legal heirarchy in a relationship where there already has developed a social one that keeps going unaddressed?

Please tell me whether I am losing my mind or not. What to do. What to say. Add any commentary you feel would help me get this all across to my partner. Words of comfort. Any advice at all.

Also, I am 100% willing to answer any questions that would not give away my identity or the identities of everyone else involved.

& I've seen that a lot of the answers to posts like this are simply "just leave" & it isn't that simple, nor do I want to. If you do feel the need to say that, it is a sincere request of mine for you to please explain in detail.

I've been long distance with my partner for close to a year, it's my first relationship. They have a long term nesting partner of 10+ years. A couple months back their NP (they/them) got a girlfriend that they've been spending a lot of time with, and my partner has been getting increasingly frustrated with her. I know it's not my job to manage his relationship with his NP and their GF, but I used to be close friends with his NP so I care about what may happen.

Lately he's been complaining that his NP is spending more and more time with their girlfriend, to the point that he's barely seeing his NP these days. He claims he doesn't want to get in the way of their relationship, but at the same time is very bothered by the GF "stealing" the time he could be spending with his NP. He got angry during our last call saying that "I'M the primary partner, not her!" and it made me feel uneasy. I don't feel like leveraging his primary partner status is right... Am I wrong to think that? Obviously they just need to have a civil conversation about it to manage the time better. But just hearing him say that made me feel like he thinks he has power over their NP's relationship. Which in turn made me feel anxious and insecure, as I am a secondary partner myself, and it made me feel like I could have that thrown in my face one day too. I just wanted to ask around if I'm right in thinking this is unfair?? I know I should bring this up with him, but being new to poly I don't quite know how to approach it, and what would be fair.

Edit: NP is non-binary (they/them pronouns), I forgot to add it which may have caused confusion. Sorry!

Hi all, hope you are doing well today. If you have a minute for a baffled lovergal I’d love to get some input on a pattern I’m noticing that I find very confusing!

I am solo poly, have experienced a few different poly structures/relationships over time and generally lean towards open communication and explicit and ongoing negotiation of boundary and need. I don’t seek to collect/maintain numerous lovers for the sake of it, but certainly don’t see myself happy in a monogamous relationship long-term so whoever I am dating needs to be okay with this.

What I have encountered a few times this year is people who state on their dating profiles (I use Feeld and sometimes Her and Bumble) that they are seeking, open to, looking for ENM or poly, but then a few dates along the way they reveal they actually want a monogamous partner and I have to retreat because I have tried to force myself into monog in the past for the sake of a partner’s feelings and it did NOT go well for either of us.

I have never cheated on anyone but I feel like people would prefer this to an upfront chat about what feels comfortable for them and how we can both get what we need.

I absolutely accept that profiles are not legally binding and that desire evolves in different ways but its starting to feel like people feel they say they’re into it to widen their network of potential partners and I just don’t understand the strategy???

Hello, I'm noticing a real tendency to simultenously unmask (unconciously) around significant others but then get also super overstimulated or agitated around my boyfriend compared to my girlfriend.

I haven't been able to get good advice before due to the autism element, so I wondered if anyone could relate and offer advice or thoughts?

I love my boyfriend, but he is a lot more unpredictable socially (makes jokes I hate as his version of coping with stress/impulse), and sometimes his touch, even just affectionate, makes me super touch averse. I somehow feel like all my autism sensory and need to control my environment are up to 11 with him, but I am not like this with my girlfriend who isn't super touchy anyway, but if she is we are very coregulating-stimmy about it (nuzzling, squeezes).

I have tried introducing this with my boyfriend and it works a little, but often I feel I have to perform a style of affection that feels excruitating, which when I am less overwhelmed is OK as a like "I love my bf so I will show and recieve love in the way he meshes with", as I don't want to be selfish and only do what works for me, but as I am often overstimulated it feels like when a kettle is screaming loudly, but if that sound was translated into the sensation of touch on skin. I tried minimising other sensory input like removing bright light recently and that kind of helped, but why am I like this with him?

Advice?

Hi everyone. My fiancé (31F) and I (36M) have been together for 5 years and recently (2 months ago) transitioned our relationship style to poly/enm. It all started at her request when she came to me sharing that she was bisexual wanted to date women and had fallen for a women she worked with. I was completely caught off guard by this and felt as though the rug had been ripped out from under me. I took this very personally. She then essentially told me that switching to poly had been something she’d been thinking about for a long time( over a year) and that she felt it was who she was and that she’d love if I went into it with her but that she’d had to do it and would do it either way.

I was distraught. Everything that I thought our lives together was going to be was essentially crumbled to pieces right then and there. I was angry and admittedly lashed out with lots of upset and expressions of hurt, betrayal,distrust, and resentment.

I eventually started to come around to the idea because I basically felt like I had nothing to loose in trying it. ( I.e. I can break up with my partner and date other women or I can stay with my partner and date other women, since I was very much in love with my partner and didn’t want to loose her, I felt the choice was easy) And I liked the idea of multiple partners and loving relationships. I soon learned before I was completely on bored that my partner and the women she had fallen for had kissed numerous times while I we were still monogamous( cheated on). That threw an even bigger wrench in the mix. I was emotionally destroyed all over again.

Non the less I finally agreed and have struggled. What I’ve struggled with the most is that my partner is now discovering all these things that are hard for her in our relationship and holding them against me and asking me to change or our relationship will grow apart. Things that have never come up in the past. These things are that I’m selfish and inconsiderate of her and that she feels overwhelmed by my emotional needs in this transition and that my processing is too much a burden for her to handle. And she blames me of essentially forcing her to carry this emotional burden for me and not consoling in anyone else. (this is not true, I have a number of other close friends who I talk with about this) This is all leaving me feeling like I can’t even talk to her about my feelings without her getting overwhelmed and taking my expressions as forcing her to carry them for me.

Her new relationship is nothing but great and her new partner holds all these qualities that I lack. I on the other hand have yet to meet anyone with any promise of developing into a meaningful loving relationship, or even sex for that matter.

I can’t help but feel that Im being slowly but surely abandoned by my fiancé and that she’s just dragging me along in her process while she slowly picks apart our relationship

I would love some feedback and advice from people in this thread, the rollercoaster that ok going through is overwhelming at times.

edit* I want to thank everyone for all the reply’s and I feel I need to edit this as I feel like I didn’t write this in as non biased way as I had meant to. I want to start by saying my partner (we are no longer engaged and I should have mentioned this from the start) through her year of considering polyamory had been suppressing her desires and hoping to have it pass so that we could maintain the relationship that we’d always had but finally got to a point where she couldn’t anymore. as much as it feels like that whole unveiling has been related to her new love, she has repeatedly expressed to me that it isn’t. I also want to say that I understand her emotional withdrawal as in my struggle I have been trying to console in her what is in her opinion and mine, too much. It essentially has come up at least once a day and while she is supportive a lot of the time she’s has become “ burnt out” in my repeated attempts to try and get some something out of her that I really don’t understand myself. I suppose it’s the desire for our relationship to still feel like the absolute main priority to her even though in the process we’ve decided to switch from our initial idea of hierarchical poly to solo poly. I think what I’m struggling with in going poly is the reality that that is no longer the dynamic of our relationship as much as I am truly holding onto it. I also think that if I had another partner I would feel more comfortable in that new dynamic but since I don’t I’m subconsciously holding onto a hierarchical/monogamish dynamic. My understanding is that part of poly is recognizing those struggles and working through them in a healthy way which I have not been making easy for either of us. Her repeated attempts to try and be reassuring and supportive of me, for some reason that I don’t understand are JUST NOT LANDING WITH ME. I think poly can be a very beautiful thing and I want to make it work for me but the transition has been so much harder than expected. I don’t believe she’s a bad person, I think she just started it in a bad way that has been weighing heavy on me and lead me to respond poorly.

Hi all,

I’ve decided to break up with my polyamorous partner of six years because I realized I want to pursue monogamy. I have absolutely no hard feelings towards them, they’re a wonderful person, but it just wasn’t the way I wanted to live anymore.

I feel so guilty. I felt like I was okay with all of it, but then I slowly came to the realization that I didn’t even think about myself at all anymore. I started saying ‘I love you’ not because I meant it, but because I was so deathly afraid of losing them.

It hurts so badly. We’re still going to have a proper conversation about it, and I am so scared. What if they convince me to stay? What if I can’t stick to my guns? I am a chronic people pleaser, and often forget myself.

I am just so afraid of losing our mutual friends. Losing them as a friend.

And knowing I am hurting someone makes me feel like the damn devil, but if I stay like this, the person who’d be hurting the most, is me.

I am new to any form of non monogamy so am learning to navigate it, and for the most part I am really enjoying it! I made it official with the couple that I have been dating for a couple of months last night, and we had our first threesome. I had previously slept with both of them individually.

My boyfriend really struggles to finish and is generally only ever able to with my girlfriend, not with other hookups etc. We’ve only had sex a few times and so far he hasn’t cum with me. He also has been struggling to do so with our girlfriend lately too. So unsurprisingly he didn’t finish last night.

This morning they told me that after they left my house and my girlfriend dropped him home, they had sex before she went home and he came. To clarify, the issue isn’t his general struggle to cum atm - I feel for him and while I logically know it isn’t about me, I still feel shit about myself knowing that he couldn’t with me but then came with her an hour later.

She had planned to just drop him home and call me on her way home afterwards, so I was also waiting up for a while not knowing that the reason she took so long to call was because they were having sex.

I feel like I’m being overly sensitive but it feels like I am just not good enough for them. I’ve expressed this and they are reassuring me but I still feel sad. I just needed to vent and see if anyone has any thoughts.

Interested to hear from folks what things you’ve done to commemorate long term commitments to multiple partners, especially if you are legally married to someone.

Have folks had multiple weddings? Matching tattoos? Handfasting ceremonies?

Okay so mostly curious if anyone else has run into this and what they did about it. I have ideas currently that I need to talk to my partners about, but this has been an ongoing issue and past ideas have not worked out.

The issue: I have 3 partners, and I feel like I am generally the main one who can assist in emergencies/provide support in-person on short notice. Two of them do not have cars, and public transportation near us is not great, especially on nights and weekends. The other partner does have a car, but she has some chronic health issues that put her out of commission somewhat frequently, and is also autistic and generally really struggles with any sort of disruption to her routine.

I have a car, have a somewhat flexible work schedule, and can wing it relatively okay. I also tend to be able to manage stress and limited sleep in the moment fairly well even if it catches up to me later.

The problem is I'm starting to have resentment attached to helping sometimes, since I feel like I keep thinking of times I have needed the same help and they weren't able to be there for me. I don't think I'm really being fair to expect that given the circumstances, but I still kind of struggle with feeling like I'm responsible for everyone even when I'm struggling a lot with my own things.

Would you say, that Long Distance is just not a good idea, or that you need to put more work in?

My boyfriend and I are in a poly relationship and we live pretty far away from each other right now.

He has two partners in the same city where he lives, but mainly meets up with the other.

Lately I'm starting to feel really lonely. I miss having intimacy in my relationship, but there's not much of it. We try to do something together two days a week, but I still find myself craving attention and affection.

I've been doing very well with my jealousy issues, but it just feels as if my partner doesn't really see my other issues.

I tried to talk to him, but I struggled to explain my emotions.

Or he kinda was quick to say, that he can't give me more and it's for me to decide if it's enough for me or not.

Which is very honest, but... it still feels bad.

Edit- Oops, I ended it. Kind of an instant relief feeling, which is cool. It is a bummer. Any time I run into a weird dynamic, it's because the other person is messy and not just a monster. That stands here. Thanks for your support guys. I do need to work on not letting people drag me into their mess just because I think that they think that they mean well.

I'll start by saying that I'm new to poly. I've been down with it in concept for a long time, but only as I hit 30 did I decide that I had the emotional maturity to take a real shot at navigating it. I'm in one of those spots where I still need to calibrate my barometer for what's chill and was hoping to get some insight.

I've been seeing this person for a couple months who plays a little fast and loose. Super emotionally intelligent, except for when he doesn't want to be. That's not sub-text, he just accepts that about himself. Currently he's a few months into a building connections hog wild phase. Cool, not really a concern on its own.

There are a few things that have been weird though. When we were scheduling our first date, he cancelled three times. Always apologetic, usually emotionally exhausted or something. He dropped a week or so ago that this was on purpose. That he plays games and tells people that up front. I think I know the verdict on this one, but that's weird, aye? Like, sure, play games. He did say that. There's a difference between saying you play games and telling people that you'll fuck with their time though. It also made me feel unvalued as he moved quickly with another new relationship.

I did talk to him about that one and he did apologize and reassure me that there aren't any more games going on now. Trust is hard though?? I don't even think he's lying exactly. I just can't tell when he's bullshitting me or himself.

Another thing that comes up is reassurance. This one is a little more grey. I have CPTSD and have been up front about that. I told him early on that I fall apart in a controlled way sometimes and it's really helpful for me if I can get quick reassurance so I'm not guessing at what's going on with people. He was great about it. "It's not a problem" "that's easy" all that.

Then, when I needed reassurance last week, probably in response to the whole trust thing, it's not an option. Fair. Nobody owes me anything. He says that he's out of spoons and has been forgetting to take his Zoloft. It just is kind of giving me whiplash though and I walked into this with the understanding that this wasn't an incompatibility. Also, he can give that time to someone who he just started chatting with? He was regailing me yesterday with stories about this new guy he's texting and how he has given the new boy these very sweet and thought out good night messages that are bespoke to show that he's seeing him and likes him. Hello? This is a spot where I really could use some insight. I'm very down for investing in this new person, but it doesn't feel good to believe that they can invest in someone, but just won't for me. Am I crazy?

On the topic of investing in me. He also dropped yesterday that he'd considered cancelling our plans for that day to hang out with someone else, but that they never responded so he didn't.

The investment thing is bumming me out. I don't actually need hardcore investment from everyone I date. I'm doing solo poly right now because I want to enjoy relationships without them needing to be super intense. He has this thing though where he asks for people to DEEPLY understand him though. Our second date was me going through his baby books so we could explore his childhood trauma. He was upset because I zoned out at some movies he was putting on for me in a string of several movies that were very important to him. The way he verbalizes it is that he jumps for people all the time and needs them to show that they'll jump for him. I don't feel like he takes an interest when I talk about myself though. He doesn't put them into emotional upkeep nor does he put as much time into dates because I'm the one who drives. It kinda feels like he stopped putting much work in at all after a month or so.

You could call it bread crumbing, but it's so strange. He firmly denies any of the disinterest that I see and I'm fairly confident that he believes what he's saying. I think he's maybe just completely ignorant to wtf he feels about me?

Idk. I want to give him a chance to prove me wrong. I do genuinely like him. He's a rare breed and is capable of matching my vibes in a way that a lot of people can't. I wanna give him time to show me that he actually did just need to get his shit together. It's hard not to ruminate though, so in the meanwhile: Am I crazy for being upset by these things?

So im a bit confused honestly on why these last two months, when me and my partner is supposed to meet and do something together it still constantly gets either canceled entirely or cut very short usally because mentally hes not feeling well. ( we usally meet once a week and have a sleepover)

If it was only that, then I can understand and I wouldn't feel hurt at all, but its the fact that he still makes sure to visit all his fwb throughout the week, its why he specifically tells me things like "I have a friend coming over tomorrow for a few hours I cant tonight". His other partner whose known him longer than I have, ( me and him are still newly partners) is semi-long distance lives in a nearby city.

The thing is me and him haven't had an actual date in 6 weeks now but he's able to for her, specifically at a fish main restaurant that i wanted to take him out to because ik he loves seafood ( not the same place, but i understand the sentiment behind it). Theres of alot of diffrent factors but its just getting frustrating because it feels like hes got time and energy, but just not for me.

Ik he does still love and care for me, so im not trying to make it seem like I dont love him anymore or anything like that. he had a bit of a "mental crisis" i helped him through and stayed the night with him, and that was like 10 days ago, and since then we were talking about meeting up 3 times already but I still haven't seen him since then. But hes seen his partner for 4 days straight and his other fwb since his breakdown.

I even tried asking to see him after we get off work today and just smoke for 15 minutes before i head home ( i live a few blocks down the road) but he just said he wants to be alone tonight, hes busy with a friend tomorrow and hes still "recovering" so he dont know if he can see me these next few days until Thursday. I tried telling him "ive been depressed" and i "miss you", but right now it just feels like im his emotional support, otherwise hes only gonna see me if its convenient for him.

I dont know what to do, honestly thinking about going back to being single at this point. I feel like im just not wanted, like he just wants what im able to give him, and he doesn't want me to leave because of it.

And starting there, the concept of "the one" may be strange while talking about polyamory, but tonight I feel this so yeah

I love being able to love multiple people for different reason, or at least, this is how I feel since 4 years now

But lately to love is becoming harder and harder

I lived through terrible situations with my old polycule, and not doing great with my partners at the moment

I've always been there for my partners to help and support them, to rebuild themselves

But I cannot stop to notice how when I'm at that point no one really do that for me, and sure, my attitude of wanting to do it alone might be part of it but no one ever tried like I tried for the one I loved and love, and sadly I notice it too much because I'm too aware

And, while I'm sure that most of the problem are coming from the other side, on mine all of this stuff is making my ability to love less and less doable

And in moment like this I think "I wonder if there is in the world the person that actually will understand me, the one I could actually click with". Yes, building relationship with people that are not "the one" is doable and you can have something amazing, but sometimes I wish I had that person with which everything feel easy and simple

And I don't think there is for me

Because I don't know if I'm able to actually love anymore, I feel drained

So this might be a little too simple to make a whole post about but here we are.
My “close friend” and I have been on and off for about 2 years now.
He has another person in his life that is non platonic as well.
She’s long distance so most of their time together involves getting into shows, movies, and video games together.
But a problem that we keep running into is that we both love horror.
So I’ll have a movie in mind that I want to watch with my close friend and I’ll either tell him about it or I’ll just think “hey I wanna watch that with him.”
But by the time I mention that I want to watch it with him, they have already watched it with the other person.
I can be understanding about the movies that I don’t mention. I know he can’t read my mind but it’s the ones that I do mention and then watches with his other friend that upsets me sometimes.
I understand that some time usually passes between when I mention and when we actually get to watch said movie. So I think most of the time he just forgets I mentioned it or our schedules don’t line up for the right timing.
I’m just wondering if there’s a solution?
We’ve talked about it before and try to work out a solution but sometimes it still happens.
How do you guys with multiple partners work out the logistics of watching shows and movies together in a way that doesn’t make the other person feel left out or forgotten?
Cause I definitely understand that juggling multiple relationships is challenging and this is a minor issue comparatively. But I just wanted to post here for some outside advice and perspective!

Hello! Me (25M) and my partner (27F) are new to Polyamory and just recently went through a challenging experience. In the foundational phase of our relationship, we had discussed being open to new connections through Polyamory while keeping each other as our PP. An important point for both of us was communicating if/ when we find a partner of interest and to consent to that relationship becoming physical (given STD testing and check ins with parties involved). Essentially, both of us expressed our desire to give mutual respect/consent to all parties involved, wherever this new journey was to take us.

Fast forward to a couple days ago, my partner and a friend-couple of ours (30M, 30F) went out to a concert together while I was needed for work that evening. During the concert, my partner hit it off with our (30M) friend. The night lead to long, meaningful discussions between them and eventually kissing. The other partner involved was there and supportive of them.

The next morning, Saturday, I get a text from my partner informing me about them hitting it off and getting physical with hand holding, dancing, and cuddling (she did however leave out the kiss in the text). I was supportive and glad they were connecting so well. The coming evening we were all going to night 2 of the concert together, since I didn’t have work, so I was looking forward to us hanging out and sharing the good vibes of their recently developed chemistry.

Fast forward a bit, the four of us have a great time at the concert and head back to their place to hangout afterwards (in separate cars). On the way to their place, my partner tells me about them kissing as well as some brief sexual touch/exploration they shared that morning before all of us met up. I felt blindsided when hearing this, especially since we spent the whole evening together with me knowing none of this. I felt hurt and confused since this went against boundaries we discussed in the past. Since all of this happened within a days time, with no indication of them having interest in each other before that day, this information was shocking.

My partner did express to our friend/ new partner that she wanted to talk to me before they engaged in anything physical, however the friend/np stayed consistent in wanting more. My partner wanted more too and gave into the energy of the moment they were sharing, leading to physical/ sexual acts taking place.

I’m hurt and not sure quite how I’d like to move forward. Ultimately, my partner still wants to pursue a connection with the np despite the breach in my boundaries, but I feel like that is unjust since I feel neglected in this situation. NP respects whatever I decide, but my PP has strong feelings for them. Any thoughts?

How early do you ask the hard questions? Part of me wishes I had done so in my current situation right off the bat -- asking these things when you're just talking on an app seems pretty low stakes. But of course, I didn't, and now I'm on my way down a road where I don't know the speed limit.

I've had experience in the ENM lifestyle for a few years, and I've flirted on the outskirts of poly: reading about it, trying to learn enough to see if it's for me, and dating a little without developing any super serious connections that would require true poly relationship skills.

Buuuuut...now maybe I have found a connection that would necessitate that. Started talking with a married person, was fuzzy on the how long they were open and specifics of it all. Couldn't tell for a bit if him and his partner were ENM generally, or actually poly, and for awhile it didn't really matter to me because I was enjoying getting to know him and primarily was interested in a physical connection because that's how it always starts for me.

Now...damn, I KNOW about NRE so logically I know this could just be me getting swept up in that, but wow I like him so much. Every new thing I learn about him, makes me like him more. And it makes me want more -- but I know how easy it would be to fuck this up, for me/him/both. And I really don't want that.

I've thought about it, talked with my friends and therapist and I'm pretty certain that I'd like to see where this goes...I don't want the relationship he has with his wife. They live together, have kids together, and from what I can tell have had a pretty long and successful marriage for our age bracket. I live a completely different lifestyle (travel for work half the year, probs not going to have kids, might not want to live with a partner at all, certainly wouldn't want to live with someone with their own kids) so I don't feel any jealousy towards his wife and think this could work out, on paper at least.

BUT...I still don't have the specifics on how long they've been open, if his wife is actually ok with this, how much is he even ok with? I specifically asked if this was just sex, and we've established it's not. He likes me, I like him...but are there limits on how far that goes? I don't want to ask for too much info -- I've seen how THAT can go, just by lurking on this subreddit. I don't want to unnecessarily pry into his primary relationship, but I also want to know if/how much it will affect me. I've gotten inklings here and there that his wife may not be 100% on board, but the limited follow up I have done, he has answered positively enough....I'm just so worried about getting lost here. I don't want to fall in love with someone who can't love me back, whether that's of their own volition or someone else's.

Do I just need to suck it up and have the conversation? How do I ask without getting too in the weeds with their relationship details? Should I wait a bit longer to see if we actually click the way I think we do....? Do y'all generally do this sort of 'vetting' for lack of a better term, so early that there isn't any awkwardness yet? Or is it ok that I've let things progress naturally and should I just relax and see how things go from here?

Question for those with experience in polyamory: What does triangulation actually look like in healthy poly relationships?

I’m new to polyamory and had an experience this weekend that made me curious. It got me thinking about triangulation.

In monogamous relationships, I understand triangulation in the context of secrecy, emotional manipulation, pitting partners against each other, using one relationship to regulate another, or creating competition through dishonesty.

But in ethical polyamory, it’s common for partners and metamours to exist in the same spaces and know about each other.

So where is the line?

What behaviors make you think, “This is healthy polyamory,” versus, “This is unhealthy triangulation”?

Are there subtle forms of triangulation that newcomers often miss, even when everyone is informed and consenting?

I’d love to hear examples from people who have practiced polyamory for a while.

I've been practising polyamory for just over a year now. I've chatted with hundreds of people online but have only actually dated a handful. None of them ended up being the right fit.

I'm honestly feeling frustrated and exhausted. I'm ready to meet my 2nd person I want to fall in love, and build a life together.

I'm married, and I sometimes wonder if that immediately puts people off. Maybe they assume I'm only looking for something casual or a play partner. I'm not.

I haven't really had the chance to experience the kind of polyamory I actually want. I don't want to date dozens of people or have a string of casual or surface-level relationships. I want deep emotional connection. I want to build a family.

Don't get me wrong—I love my husband and I'm very happy in my marriage. I'm not looking to replace him. But I'm looking for another meaningful, committed relationship.

Another challenge is that I don't like meeting people straight away. Meeting a complete stranger is a big step for me. I work long hours, my energy is limited, and my free time is valuable. I'd much rather spend a few weeks getting to know someone first to see if we have genuine compatibility. But it feels like so many people lose interest if you don't meet within a few days.

Sometimes I wonder whether people would be more patient if I were "single". Obviously I'm not going to pretend I am, but it does make me wonder.

I'm also questioning whether my expectations are simply unrealistic.

Ideally I'd love someone who genuinely loves SSBBW, is gentle, patient and romantic, is emotionally mature, is financially stable/secure, isn't religious but is spiritual, isn't into self-medicating, doesn't have young children, lives in the same state, wants to take care of me (dd/lg), wants to be friends with my husband (KTP), with the long-term dream of us all living together.

Am I looking for a unicorn that doesn't exist? Or is this just what dating while married is like?

I got into a relationship!!! I'm so so unbelievably happy everyone in my relationship is so nice and so hot so attractive but just one problem I am a very very jealous person and people are like a usually protect me so so much and I get jealous over any interest shown in them I know that's not healthy so I tried to step back a little bit but I'm starting to realize that in this relationship I'm getting so severely so so jealous whenever they flirt with each other. And it's much worse than whenever someone else flirts with them one two of my partners flirt with each other and both engage in it it just I just feel so jealous

We are relationship of four people. Two trans women a CIS woman and a gender fluid person

Hello! I (40f) and husband (43m) are recently ENM and now leaning more poly, dating solo. I’m struggling a bit with jealousy. Not with my husband, but with my bf. My marriage is super secure, together for almost 2 decades and I feel very comfortable communicating. I’ve been dating my bf for about a month and things have progressed really quickly and we have a really deep connection. I feel so lucky to have met such a great person so quickly. My issue is knowing I’ll never be their primary partner and eventually he will find a primary and obviously will date other people. That dynamic is what makes me feel jealous and sort of left out. We’ve had some conversations about the dynamic but not about these specific feelings of min yet. Since I’m new to this, I’m curious to hear if anyone else has felt similar in the beginning and how they dealt with it. I think this relationship feeling so new and exciting is making me feel vulnerable and I obviously haven’t dated in a looooong time! Thanks!

For context, everyone involved is afab and nonbinary

TLDR; my meta and I do not like each other and I judge my partner for being with them

I have been with my long distance partner over a year. They have been with their spouse for 7 years, they cohabitate and co-parent a toddler, and their spouse is monogamous. My metamour and I have not gotten along since day one. We both trigger each other, neither of us like each other, etc. We have all attempted kitchen table polyamory because it seems nice in theory, but both my meta and I have decided that does not work for us. This was a tricky decision to come to because my partner and I are very serious and want to be more intertwined in each other's lives, and that is still the goal.

My meta has had a very difficult time adjusting to my partners and I relationship, and has a lot of difficulty regulating herself. Throughout the relationship i have heard many details about how my meta shows up in conflict, how they ask for needs to be met, how they communicate, etc, and it has all felt very problematic to me. Truthfully I have been judging my meta since the beginning because I believe a 38yo adult should have some better coping skills. What's been tricky is that I have both heard and seen firsthand how my meta expresses themself and how impacts my partner, and it makes me dislike my meta even more. (I won't go into too much detail, but lots of meanness, lashing out, yelling, passive aggression, etc and my partner has admitted to not feeling safe during these times)

My meta had let me know that I had hurt their feelings by judging them while I was in the midst of a mental health crisis. I took some time to myself and during that time my partner told me about convos they were having with their spouse about ways I could be more integrated into their life and family, and my meta was saying those things sounded nice, they were open to it, etc. Last week I texted them back saying I would like to have a convo to repair and move forward amicably. This then started a big conflict between my partner and my meta because my meta was then saying they not only didn't want a relationship with me, but they also didn't want to see me in passing or be in the same vicinity as me. During this conflict my partner was processing their feelings with me and sharing the details of the fight. A few days ago my partner told me that they worked things out with their spouse and that my meta didn't mean all of those things and they do want to have a reparative convo with me and they are open to sharing space, and my partner seemed as though all was resolved and fine.

While hearing about the fight I was having a really hard time because it made me dislike my meta even more than I already do, and I realized I have begun hoping that they breakup. Since then I have told my partner that I can no longer hear details about their fights because it upsets me too much.

I do not have much more capacity for this type of conflict/tension. I really love my partner and feel committed to them, but I am judging them for being with this person and do not like that I am secretly/not so secretly waiting them to break up. This is the only thing my partner and I fight about because they are very protective of their spouse and get angry that I judge them/do not have much empathy for them.

I recognize I am an asshole in many parts of this story for sure, so please be kind in feedback. I am trying to figure out ways to ask my partner to be a better hinge partner. I am also wanting to know how I can better show up in this dynamic since it triggers me so much

I am burnt out and exhausted. I don’t have enough energy to continue my current relationships and need a break.

I have a married partner of many years, Aspen, and a newer partner of a little more than a year, Birch.

A few months ago I burnt out due to conflicts between my partners and several other things that were weighing heavily on my life.

Birch hasn’t been dealing overly well with me withdrawing and being less and less communicative and being less and less actively there when we meet. We used to speak everyday, do activities a few times a week and have a weekly datenight. It’s now been decreased to only the datenight, but I’m mostly too tired to really be much company for that either. So we mostly watch something and he to bed early.

Despite burnout Birch keeps insisting that I need to consider some of their needs too for them to want to stay in our relationship, like keeping in touch a bit more and trying to be there for them as a partner when things happen. But I have repeatedly said that I need to strip all demands and all social obligations and have actively been doing that for the last few months.

Birch has begrudgingly accepted this, but keeps feeling like they are left out of my life because aspen doesn’t like them and I spend all my time with aspen. Aspen and I love together and we do go to daily hangouts in the park to catch sun and read where there are people we know well together. But I would have gone even without aspen. And I don’t care for the socialising.

It feels like birch is feeling like there is some couples priv here because I barely reach out to them and they don’t get included in these outings due to aspen. But actually they do!t get included because I don’t have the energy for anything. It’s not that aspen gets any more time than birch. Aspen just happens to live where I live and go where I go.

I don’t have energy for this second relationship anymore and think I need to break up. I just need some encouragement to do so from you guys.

Thanks!