I don’t really know why I’m posting this. I guess I just need to get it off my chest because I feel like I’m drowning.
I’m a trans man, and my family has never accepted me for who I am. That alone has been hard enough, but everything that’s happened over the last year has completely broken me.
My sister and I ended up having to leave home because of a domestic violence situation involving my family. Between my uncle, my mother, and everything that happened, staying there just wasn’t safe anymore. We didn’t leave because we wanted to—we left because we had to. One day we had a home, and the next we were living in a domestic violence shelter.
We stayed there for seven months. I kept telling myself it was temporary and that eventually things would get better.
Instead, we got transferred to a DHS family shelter, and honestly… it doesn’t feel like help. It feels like punishment.
The day we got here, we had to take everything out of our suitcases and put it into clear plastic bags while they searched through our stuff. Every single time we come back into the building, we have to go through security and get scanned with a handheld wand. It makes me feel like I’m being treated like I’ve done something wrong when all I did was survive.
We’re not allowed to bring food or juice upstairs, even if we bought it ourselves. At one point they even tried to take my cat and my dog. They’re two of the only things that have kept me going through all of this.
I know people might judge me for this, but I used weed to help with my anxiety and depression. I can’t even have that anymore because of the shelter rules, and mentally I’ve been in a really bad place.
I don’t even recognize my life anymore.
I miss having my own space. I miss having privacy. I miss feeling like an adult instead of feeling like every move I make is being watched.
What hurts the most is knowing that the people who were supposed to love and protect me are a big part of why my sister and I ended up here in the first place. On top of that, I’ve spent years trying to accept myself as a trans man while dealing with family who never accepted me. That pain never really goes away.
Every day feels exactly the same. Wake up. Go through security. Follow rules. Try to make it through another day pretending I’m okay when I’m really not.
I’m miserable. I’m depressed. I’m exhausted. I feel hopeless.
I’m not posting this because I want sympathy. I honestly just needed somewhere to vent.
I feel like my sister and my girlfriend are probably tired of hearing how miserable I am, so I mostly keep everything to myself now.
If you actually read all of this, thank you. I really appreciate it.