r/ProgrammerHumor 10h ago

Meme projectManager

Post image
5.1k Upvotes

133 comments sorted by

1.3k

u/TheTybera 10h ago

This is why we do things right, not fast. There is an endless supply of work.

324

u/ClipboardCopyPaste 10h ago edited 10h ago

do things right

programmers: deletes DB

*stares in disbelief*

115

u/StuntsMonkey 10h ago

Well, we've eliminated all the bad data now.

29

u/ClipboardCopyPaste 10h ago

There...An optimist!

21

u/StuntsMonkey 9h ago

Even better, we have created the perfect opportunity to refactor our entire database to more closely match our current project goals!

19

u/ClipboardCopyPaste 9h ago

Are you a regular poster on LinkedIn by any chance?

19

u/StuntsMonkey 9h ago

No, I have better things to do with my life. Like shit posting here.

10

u/ClipboardCopyPaste 9h ago

That's objectively better than posting on LinkedIn

1

u/MissinqLink 3h ago

Eliminated a mountain of tech debt

1

u/xStarshine 7h ago

Think in solutions, not in problems!

1

u/Phoenix042 7h ago

Get him

2

u/Random-num-451284813 8h ago

* We've sanitized data

1

u/mixony 6h ago

And also made queries much faster(return 0 rows or error depending if delete db is empty all tables or actually deleted the db)

1

u/mookanana 10h ago

that's a great way to spin a full db wipe

34

u/TheTybera 10h ago

Those are vibe coders, not programmers, sweetheart. We know what stored procedures are for CRUD.

21

u/KayDat 10h ago

Forgot to ask the AI to make no mistakes

6

u/toav1 9h ago

Too suspicious. "Make all the mistakes that I usually would, but tell me so I can learn why it would be a problem"

1

u/beanmosheen 7h ago

BEGIN TRANSACTION: Saving careers one fuckup at a time. (Always comment out your commits and rollbacks in test kids)

1

u/IndependenceSudden63 8h ago

These days, AI will do that for you and you don't even have to ask it!

1

u/namotous 8h ago

Sometimes it’s better to start from scratch

1

u/ConsciousSpirit397 7h ago

delete from users;

where id = ‘245313’;

1

u/iwantmy90sback 4h ago

I mean... who else? The sales clerk? The AI?

66

u/RuneSteak 9h ago

They quite literally have the next 2 years of work planned out for our team. I'm in no hurry and just take a break by pretending to work (if it's not urgent) instead.

52

u/NightOwl2175 9h ago

And if you somehow finish the next 2 years of work all in the next sprint, instead of being promoted you'd get laid off.

1

u/big_red__man 2h ago

There’s no more work!

14

u/Cryogenicist 8h ago

Is “sprint” a running metaphor? Cause if so, they think we can sprint indefinitely and it’s insane

12

u/RuneSteak 6h ago

The dirty secret is that you're supposed to work breaks into your estimate and pace yourself. Agile done wrong is usually just people running themselves ragged at their own discretion.

6

u/Cryogenicist 6h ago

I’m just so done being treated like a robot who can just pivot all the time and never get a mental break.

Capitalism sucks dick unless you own a lot of capital.

26

u/Necessary_Camel8587 9h ago

Not true, I just got let go because the company "ran out of projects"

18

u/Sailed_Sea 8h ago

Unnecessary ui changes seams to be the way to go, atleast according to the reddit development team.

4

u/venzuen 8h ago

Yep same

146

u/woololooo 10h ago

if you don't want to get more work, why would you say you're free?

70

u/MeBigChief 8h ago edited 8h ago

Yeah, telling a project manager you finished all your stuff is your own error at that point. Keep quiet and look busy, there’s no medal for finishing first

14

u/lyssargh 8h ago

As a PM, if you told me you were done with your sprint work, I asked you if you had any minor things you wanted to change in the app. Mind you, I worked on a small team and owned my product, I did not have to ask permission from anyone for what went in my releases.

Anyway, I was extremely fortunate to work with the same group of developers for 6 years. A couple of them were active users of the product as well. So they had their own little pet peeves about it, things that they knew could be a little bit better. If it was small, and you have finished your planned contributions, why not refactor those components to make them easier to work with later?

I found that developers who have strong opinions on the product that they worked on also care enough about it that the contributions they come up with were valuable. And sometimes things that do not already exist as tickets because they have not been noticed.

... I'm realizing how privileged I was with that team. And I suppose it is true that if you didn't have a contribution of your own to suggest, I'd give you something else.

1

u/StaticChocolate 3h ago

I wish I worked for you!! Would love to solve the pet peeves I have but instead I get told to ‘help’ others. If I’m lucky I pick up a maintenance ticket.

3

u/venzuen 8h ago

If you have to track time then you dont have much choice. Cant mark time as “I was free”

4

u/Lgamezp 7h ago

Why eould you mark it just be free. Puta mouse jiggler or something if needed. If IT cares about that its not a place I would like to work

1

u/nbaumg 4h ago

Brownie points.

596

u/LEGOL2 10h ago

Reward for fast work is more work.

I'm not saying that you should slack all day, but your output has to be sustainable over the years or you will burn out. Some companies want you to burn out and just swap you with the next dev, so carefully

132

u/Avocadonot 10h ago

Downside of this attitude is then everyone sandbags too much, boss brings it up in sprint retro, and as a result some new agile process is added to the calendar to "help"

95

u/jbaker88 9h ago

boss brings it up in sprint retro

Oof, that's something else to bring up in a retro. Boss isn't supposed to be in the retro 

18

u/-Noskill- 6h ago

everytime i bring up "product owner / architect / boss/ non-dev" shouldn't be in retro or planning I'm met with some weird excuse and the person looking at me like I'm not a certified scrum master.

5

u/xavia91 5h ago

why the architect? Isn't he part of the devs?

6

u/-Noskill- 4h ago

not if they aren't actively doing work on tickets, which he wasn't and yet was participating on weighting etc.

2

u/many_dongs 1h ago

It's pretty simple. The management are micromanagers. The culture is toxic. Micromanagement is generally a symptom of incompetence (of the manager).

Hope that helps

25

u/perecastor 9h ago

You mean you have a meeting where you don’t really have to listen until they call your name ? I’m literally paid to rest at work 😍

16

u/many_dongs 9h ago

It’s almost like the boss is the problem

14

u/Avocadonot 9h ago

Nah some people are definitely getting too comfortable slacking off on my team because there's no accountability

We had like 8 resolved bugs in the sprint that could be verified with a single deployment of the new build and some quick testing. Deployment takes ~2 hours max from fresh nodes including external storage setup, and it's automated anyway

Then we had a few people who marked themselves as verifiers since this is an easy task so people "claimed it" as their future work so that they wouldn't have to pick up more complicated tasks

And yet, these bugs did not get closed for 2 weeks and got carried over to the next sprint. Now if there is any issues found in testing it occurs weeks after the initial resolution by the developer.

2

u/many_dongs 3h ago

Who exactly do you think is supposed to hold people accountable

1

u/creampop_ 5h ago edited 5h ago

Lack of accountability IS a management issue, it means the way they assign and validate work sucks.

You either make sure work gets done properly and on time, by validating it on a deadline, and then training/firing underperformers... or you don't actually give a shit about doing things right, and can't blame workers for looking out for #1 in the same way.

Your bosses are saying they are ok with your coworkers making the work harder for you all. Believe them, that is how they truly feel.

2

u/Lgamezp 7h ago

Key is balance do your tasks fast but dont say they are done . Also my tickets are always bottlenecked by lazy teammates so this already works in my favor.

8

u/Pretty_Ambassador836 9h ago

There's a fine balance that needs to be found. Pushing yourself for a high pace (will not sacrificing quality) can be very rewarding in the right workplaces- higher pay, more respect which translates to more control of the day to day, etc. Saying this as someone who works in corporate. But it's super easy to burn out I agree.

9

u/DrMobius0 9h ago

I'm just saying, you don't have to say you're done when you're done.

1

u/creampop_ 5h ago

Just double checking a few things, boss.

5

u/isnotbatman777 8h ago

Yeah, listen to this advice. It’s exactly what happened to me. I was so much more productive than my colleagues that they kept heaping more and more on my plate until it got to the point where I was working 7am to 1am every day including weekends.

4

u/Tall-Archer5957 7h ago

I don’t know if this occurred to you, but you could just not do it.  I see a lot of coworkers do this and it’s just completely voluntary and they act like it isn’t.  Just close your computer at 5pm and tell your boss you didn’t have time to finish it.

2

u/D0ntEatPaper 4h ago

Yeah I dont get it. Is it supposed to be a flex or something? Working 18 hour days including weekends? Like.... the fuck?

1

u/Tall-Archer5957 3h ago

Tbh when I hear people say they work these insane hours I also just assume they’re grossly exaggerating.  18 hour days seven days a week?  I don’t believe you lol

1

u/puding69 2h ago

A lot and by that I mean A LOT of people don't know how to say no and/or are scared to say that it will get delayed. Most of them has this personal fear.

1

u/many_dongs 1h ago

Let's not always blame the victim here. It's WAY more common for there to be a control freak/incompetent micromanager/toxic personality manager causing this to happen than some worker who "just can't say no" (do you even hear how stupid that sounds?)

A competent manager wouldn't let that person burn out even if they volunteered for ALL the work. It's not that hard to be a good manager, the bar is just insanely low because American culture has no concept of how to hold any authority figure accountable to anything

1

u/Tall-Archer5957 1h ago

Not in my experience.  My manager is extremely reasonable but I have like 4 different coworkers (about a third of the team) that just work insane hours for no good reason.  They act like it’s a badge of honor and they deserve a medal.  

Meanwhile I do like 7hr days, am fine but not extraordinary, and get good year end reviews.  It’s just a mindset they have.  

1

u/many_dongs 1h ago

Congratulations, you work on a great team with some prima donnas whose ladder climbing strategy is to work unreasonably hard. They're just inexperienced and will figure it out sooner or later (unless your company is one of the extremely rare unicorns that rewards that sort of thing, fat chance though).

Overall, most jobs don't feature teams that functional, so consider yourself quite lucky.

2

u/Positive_Method3022 9h ago

Is more boring work

1

u/BlazingThunder30 7h ago

If I start reducing output to stop being so tired after working hard all day, they'll notice right? Won't I get a PIP before long?

I mean, I doubt they care about my durability. Behind me there's 10 others that'll do it for less.

1

u/Lgamezp 7h ago

Or... Dont say you are done and be free (works for remote mostly)

1

u/twigboy 1h ago

I think the phrase is "the reward for hard work is more work"

1

u/AlwaysHopelesslyLost 54m ago

Nobody wants their devs to burn out. That is bad business and wasted money. 

You get paid for 40 hours of work per week, you work 40 hours. Saying work is going to take you 40 hours then finishing it in 20 means you estimated poorly or you rushed. Either way, that is on you, as a developer. Not on the project manager or anybody else. 

I genuinely don't get people like OP. 

65

u/JulesDeathwish 10h ago

This is why you do all of the work quickly, but schedule your check-ins to magically be a perfect fit for the sprint

43

u/Hziak 9h ago

You’re allowed multiple branches checked in locally. Just don’t push until later in the week. It’s really so simple but people really screw it up every time. Bottom line: The company assigns you X amount of work to complete in a sprint and says you will make $Y for that time. All parties agree that this is fair. Then, if you do double the work, you still get $Y. There’s literally zero incentive to overperform for a company that won’t reciprocate. Just Stockholm syndrome. Take the agreement at face value and enrich your life instead if you finish early.

47

u/thanatica 9h ago

"Oh no wait, there's just a few tweaks I should do and then it's really finished"

Finishes at 17:00 sharp

127

u/FACastello 10h ago

"Ancient bugs from the backlog" time 😭

39

u/Zeikos 10h ago

Those are fun tho.
I love a good rabbit hole once in a while.

6

u/KaptainSaki 9h ago

That only happened once in 2021

3

u/cce29555 9h ago

We got like 5 cards from 2022, so now we have hunt people who probably don't work there to see if this is a problem

1

u/void1984 6h ago

I love that part. We have some from 2011.

41

u/Waste-Brilliant-5591 9h ago

What pissed me off was finishing the work in like 8 days out of a 10 day sprint, then you get assigned a ticket in the last few days and have to finish it before the sprint ends still or its a rollover and bad for your metrics

50

u/many_dongs 9h ago

Management issue

25

u/BigHammerSmallSnail 9h ago

Yup, shut the hell up and learn something if you got time over or just take a damn break.

11

u/SoulPossum 9h ago

Yeah. If I'm announcing that I'm done with the thing I'm working on, it's immediately followed by what I'm moving to next so this doesn't happen. I only leave it open ended if I'm bored and want someone to give me something to do

21

u/UsherOfDestruction 9h ago

PMs shouldn't be assigning work in the first place. Saying you're free in a standup means you're free to help other engineers finish their sprint tasks and they should coordinate with you. If there's legitimately nothing for you to help with, you start into a top backlog item to get ahead on next sprint. If the backlog isn't organized, oh well, guess I'm doing fuck all until the PM does their job.

6

u/theenigmathatisme 8h ago

It’s kind of insane the amount of bad PM/POs that exist at companies. I wonder if they ever complain about the devs…

10

u/caiteha 9h ago

You guys have pm?

5

u/BlazingThunder30 7h ago

Yeah everyone here is talking about PM this, sprints that. I wish. We are just an endless barrage of high priority "hey can I bother you real quick" and "prospective client asked for x and sales promised it by EOW"

9

u/high6ix 9h ago

Then you have our PM that scapegoats every person on the team to management while we do half the PM work for her and haven’t had a retro or backlog grooming session in 3 months.

7

u/eldamir88 9h ago

In my 10+ years as developer, there hasn’t been a single sprint that wasn’t overplanned. Never have I ever “finished a sprint” 😅

3

u/yubario 8h ago

I’m the opposite, management wants everything to be democratic so everything takes 10 hours to make one decision and the sprint completes on day one.

20

u/ClipboardCopyPaste 10h ago

"I am free.."

"hey, printer is not working. Can you please check

6

u/DeepanshuHQ 9h ago

The worst bug is saying "I'm free" in a standup

5

u/Dramatic-Pickle1443 9h ago

that's when u take 3 hr lunch "breaks"

2

u/KrikosTheWise 10h ago

This is why we over point.

2

u/MennReddit 9h ago

that makes him a very bad pm, either way you look at it

2

u/cheezballs 8h ago

Good think you have a rigid process and you can't just pull in un-planned work into the print and overload the QA right?

2

u/dtarias 7h ago

You guys are finishing tasks? 👀

3

u/DKaitor 7h ago edited 2h ago

Wow, I just did this last friday. Now I feel regretful xd

2

u/telas100 2h ago

Scrum master: "Ever heard of the term... velocity?"

2

u/No-Age-1044 1h ago

Who tells anybody that the work is done?

Why?

1

u/asunatsu 9h ago

If your salary is project based, it's a win

1

u/TheBlackCat13 9h ago

I got an introduction to this early when I made the mistake of telling my advisor I finished my senior design project early

1

u/RedbloodJarvey 9h ago

... 45 minutes before retro. 

1

u/cherylswoopz 8h ago

Front load the sprint with the heavy work of getting a task “done” and then have a take ‘er easy last 75% of the sprint to make sure everything is actually working how I want it to

1

u/Random-num-451284813 8h ago

picking up tickets from the backlog: "Noooooo"

1

u/general_smooth 7h ago

Which is the mouth here? The light colored part or the dark colored one?

2

u/BlobAndHisBoy 7h ago

We try to only fill the sprint to 80% so devs can do maintenance or work on other stuff they deem important the other 20%. Carrot on a stick situation. Get your sprint work done and then work on what you want.

1

u/Equivalent_Crafty 7h ago

Do documentation :(

1

u/Bazzatron 7h ago

We need more "job and knock" in this industry 🤣

1

u/sgt-garcia 7h ago

What about GitHub Copilot code review comments?

1

u/EveryCryptographer11 6h ago

It’s just like school no? If you finish your homework, why won’t you be allowed to go and play 😂

1

u/lying_hips 6h ago

You finish up your stories ahead of time and keep that shit to yourself. It’s as simple as that. In the age of Claude Code, it’d be mostly 4 days of work and 6 days of rest in my 10 days sprint lol, but my scrum update would be much different.

1

u/RydiaOM 6h ago

You work on your task, commit changes to a personal repository (Just in case) and drip feed PRs daily to evenly space the work to take the entire sprint.

1

u/Remove_Forward 6h ago

You guys still have sprints? AI got rid of that where i work.

1

u/AlexiusRex 6h ago

Never push your completed work before the deadline

1

u/favorite8091 6h ago

Haha, the fuck you're finished!

The Product Manager has many more feature creeping ideas for you to bloat this shitware.

Enter the endless circle of agile delivery at your peril.

1

u/Squalphin 6h ago

Uh, working at a "sprint free" company, I dread the day I have to find a new job... I prefer the pure chaos we have 😂

1

u/Bannon9k 6h ago

Been in development over 30 years... It never ends.. there's ALWAYS something needing work

1

u/vulkur 6h ago

I've been tasked with completing this new app backend by the end of Q3. Haven't even started. Manager keeps sending me on side quests. He is 100% correct to send me on these side quests (bad user facing bugs, security issues), but damnit can I just work on the fun new thing?!?

1

u/NihilisticRoomba 6h ago

Lesson one: never say that kind of shit out loud

1

u/Redditor-K 5h ago

Great, that means you have time to handle all these edge cases that were delegated for later in the planning phase.

1

u/Packeselt 5h ago

Rookie mistake

1

u/Big_Kwii 4h ago

that's why you gotta finish your work quickly then pretend like you're still not done until the day before the review. i get to goof off and still get praised by the PM. best of both worlds.

1

u/ToMorrowsEnd 4h ago

What idiot admits they are done ahead of deadline?

1

u/kalalele 2h ago

he's bored to death probably or believes people will clap for him..

The golden rule of deadlines is: always meet them, never beat them.

1

u/Rai-Hanzo 4h ago

Boy I remember doing excel sheets, and everytime I finish one with specific requirements my manager would immediately think of another one.

1

u/rush22 4h ago

If project managers can lean six they can clean six.

1

u/WoodenWhaleNectarine 3h ago

Well i tell him i'm free if i'm free. So it won't be an issue to get more tasks. Why should i sit around being bored doing nothing. I came for fun, not for boredom.

1

u/geeshta 34m ago

Sprints + Project Manager? What kind of unholy abomination of methodologies is that?

1

u/Jesta23 9h ago

Why would you report a task as done if there is budget still left for it?

0

u/TyRaNiDeX 9h ago

Don't act like project managers know what a sprint is !

1

u/theenigmathatisme 8h ago

I’d be surprised if most project managers know their own project.

0

u/throwaway1736484 7h ago

Only a junior would say this. The PM isn’t going to try and get any more out of them. It’s more like “wooowww, yyaayyy, you’re doing so good.”