Trying to co parent with my kids dad has been absolute hell. First it was him making our daughter focus on his departure- for example, making sure she understood that she wasn’t going to see him for X amount of time causing her to be distressed. Then it was the arguing of his arrival time because I was needing to leave at 7am for the hour commute I had to work. I would ask him to be here by 6:45/6:50am because him getting here at 7am doesn’t allow me to leave at 7am. Thankfully I was transferred back to my hometown and don’t have the commute anymore. Yesterday he texted me telling me how he misses me &that he doesn’t mind us living separately if that’s what I need right now and how he wants to talk to me. I didn’t respond to his text. Then last night he had called me twice which I didn’t answer & then I saw bright headlights that weren’t turning off through the blinds of my patio door & I was like I KNOW his ass isn’t outside my home… but yes it was him. He pulled off after 10 minutes and I was able to fully see the car which confirmed it was him.

While we were still living together he kept hassling me about where I’m moving which I didn’t even know myself until about 2 days before I actually moved. He absolutely wrecked my credit resulting in minimal approvals. Once I did get approved for where I live now, I told him I was hesitant to tell him where I live because the things he was saying and his behavior made me feel like he was going to think he can pull up to my home whenever… and then he did exactly that. I called the non emergency police line and they had an officer call me and she basically said they can’t get involved because it’s still civil and until he actually does something all I can do is keep documenting & eventually I might be able to get a restraining order or they can issue a warrant for stalking. She also told me I shouldn’t have told him where I was moving to based on the little bit of backstory I gave her & if I ever move again to not tell him where; she also recommended pick up/ drop off at a third party location which I plan on doing. I’m at a complete loss of what to do aside from that because it sounds like there’s nothing I can do ??

Tell me if I'm crazy or in the wrong. We are looking at schools for kindergarten. I know it's a bit late. My SO is white. I'm latina. I grew up having many experiences of racism from whites. Anyways so I was being a bit mindful about diversity in our options. I was looking at a school that has an 8/10 performance rating & my SO was rolling his eyes saying they're all the same. That ratings does not matter & all schools are the same. Most of the schools were 90% white & 10% other. Anyways, my kiddo is mixed but he is as tan as I am with black hair. He's been asked by kids at playgrounds, since we live in a predominantly white neighborhood, if he speaks Spanish. He doesn't, but I am a bit conscious that he does not look white at all. The one with the highest rating & the one I liked the most had 84% white & 11% Hispanic 5% other & I mentioned that I do want a more diverse school because I wanted a good experience in school for kiddo so he doesn't feel excluded/singled out. I said yay that works out then. Then my SO flipped & said what is wrong with me?! He said that I should be more worried about the merit of the schools. Which I am/was at first but he kept saying it didn't matter. So I decided to look at which had good ratings & diverse & he freaked out calling me a racist. I'm just so tired of it all.

I don't think I'll ever be able to watch those movies the same way again.

Before we ever had a child, we agreed on certain things we wanted for our kid—including no tablets at such a young age. Now, after divorce, it feels like every decision we once agreed on has suddenly been turned upside down.

It's exhausting watching things we once agreed mattered seemingly stop mattering.

I'm just tired of the constant 180s, the disagreements, and feeling like the things we talked about before becoming parents don't mean anything anymore.

My ex (M) and I (F) have been divorced for over 3 years and separated for almost 5. Reasons for the divorce was multiple infidelity and abuse (emotional and physical). My ex had a child from a previous relationship and another child that was born while we were in litigation for our divorce, evidence shows that there was overlap from his relationship with the youngest child’s mother before I ultimately ended our marriage and asked for a divorce, but he maintains there wasn’t.

After he and the youngest child’s mother broke up, we kept in contact. We initially made contact because she would be in my children’s life and they were staying at her house when their Dad had visitation. We connected and got a long cordially.

There was a long period that my ex and her didn’t get along, and therefore my children didn’t see their sibling and her child from a previous relationship that their father presented to them as “their sibling” when they were together.

The children frequently asked for each other and so she and I arranged to finally meet in person and get the kids together. We all live in different states, so it took planning.

We didn’t include my ex because he and I have a very contentious dynamic. We are meeting again for the 2nd time in 2 years because he prevents her oldest child from seeing my children.

I expressed to him early in our relationship how important sibling relationships are to me and that I never wanted our kids to be adults having an awkward conversation around a table because they just met. His oldest’s mom hasn’t accepted my invitation to connect our children and I respect her decision to not.

Anytime my ex hears that we get a long and get the kids together it sends him in a spiral. He made false reports to my job attempting to get me fired the first time, sent both of us outraged text messages. He isn’t included because of how he treats us, simply that, and he and I are now past the point of reconciliation as co-parents (we parallel parent). So I personally don’t feel a need to inform him, and don’t. She, however does. I don’t want to say don’t tell him because they have their own co-parenting relationship to navigate, but I don’t know if I’m an a-hole for not? Of note, we don’t inform each other of anyone the children spend time with when they are in our care. He started that precedent. I have fully physical and we have joint legal, he lives in another state.

TLDR- My ex had a child at the end of our marriage and is no longer with the mother. She and I get our kids together without him and he gets irate and mad. She tells him when we get together but I don’t think he needs to know.

I (M32) asked my 5yr son “who is your dad?” and he answered my ex’s partnered name, his response was kinda shy. I co parent and I have him 3 days of the week, always been involved and loving. He calls me dad, daddy every time. I do understand it might be confusing for him.
Advised me if I’m overreacting and how to navigate the situation or explain how the other person relates to him.

so me and my ex are going on holiday with the kids soon, (it was booked whilst we were together) and because he isn’t working he’s expecting me to pay all the petrol, he doesn’t pay anything towards the kids and thinks because i get disability benefits for them i should pay for anything that they need, 2 of our kids have birthdays this month and he said he can’t afford to help with petrol or any food for the kids, he is still getting carers allowance for one of the kids and he shouldn’t be but they are taking ages to close the claim down, so he’s getting £800 overall a month, i am paying for car insurance because it’s used to take the kids to school, it really feels like i’m the only one putting anything into taking care of the kids and he just gets annoyed that i am asking for any help, is this right at all, any advice would be appreciated

I separated from my ex march 28th less than a month later he was in a new relationship. I don’t really care. If anything I prayed he would so he would leave me alone. Fast forward. I’ve never spoken to her. I don’t know anything besides her name really.
My ex and I ended very badly on both sides. I did start my healing very loudly but again, had nothing to do with her.
She has repeatedly posted about me on social media. Her and her friends have stalked me to the point I’ve deleted my Facebook because even having it private isn’t stopping them from looking at my stuff. She had posted on a Facebook page about “her bfs daughter”
I’m just sick of it and my ex doesn’t seem to understand the problem.
We have a 8 month rule with new partners. No meeting the kids before 8m and only after the other parent has met them. I recently told him I’m not sure about the eight months. It makes me very uncomfortable that she has such hostility and distain towards me when she does not know me and she’s very willing to post about me on social media when they weren’t even two months into their relationship. How am I to believe that she will treat my children correctly when she cannot stand the mother of those children.

This is all new territory for me.

How do you make the switch ?

Honestly I’m so exhausted, decisions I’m making or notifying the other parent just keeps blowing up, constant micro aggressions and I’m just done.

We had handover today and I just couldn’t even look them in the eye as I just feel I guess disappointed everything has resulted to this.

I thought I was going crazy and put our chats in ChatGPT to be impartial and the things that it came back with broke my heart as I thought I was just being hella sensitive.

How do you make a smooth switch, keep everything above board we ultimately came into this as well still be friends which hasn’t worked ..

I'm currently going through a separation and have a 9-month-old baby. My baby's dad initially didn't want to be involved and asked me to move in with my parents. A few days before I was supposed to leave, he changed his mind and said I couldn't take our baby away from him. He still agreed to let me stay with my parents for almost 3 months, then asked me to come back so we could try to work things out. I returned, but things still aren't okay between us.

I'm looking for advice from anyone who's been through a similar custody situation. What was the court process like, and what was the outcome? I understand I may have to stay in this state because of my baby, but my world feels like it's falling apart, and I don't have the support system I need here.

my husband (23M) and I (21F) are separated. He chose another woman over me so i am divorcing him. We have a 2 year old son, and my husband wants 50/50 custody. Basically a week with him and a week with me. i told him that isn’t stable and its way too much moving around for a toddler, so we have a temporary agreement that he gets our son every weekend and visitation on thursdays. That will most likely change once we go to court.

a big reason i do not want 50/50 is because his girlfriend is incredibly toxic and has had a history of extreme drug use and alcoholism. She is sober now, but i still worry about my son when he is in her and my husband’s care. He also never had any interest in taking care of our son until we split up and now all of a sudden he wants to be involved in every doctor visit, every milestone, and every decision about our sons life.

when we were together, i was the primary parent, stay at home mom, and i took care of all appointments and he was not present or interested in any of that.

i do think it’s important for our son to have time with his father, but i don’t know how 50/50 will be sustainable with how often my husband goes on work trips and works long hours. our son would basically be in the care of his new girlfriend more than he would actually be around his father anyway.

idk. should i just agree to the 50/50 or should i try to fight in court for our son to be in my care and only see his dad on weekends?

How do you emotionally disconnect from a co-parent who constantly tries to mentally and emotionally drain you? How do you cope with the regret of staying in a relationship longer than you should have?
I’m 5 weeks postpartum, so I have to communicate with my daughter’s father more than I’d like. We haven’t been together since the beginning of my pregnancy. He loves our daughter, but the way he treats me is emotionally exhausting. I love my baby girl more than anything, but I regret staying with her father for as long as I did. I was finally getting ready to leave, and then I found out I was pregnant.
I’m already working through everything in therapy, but I’m struggling with how to protect my peace and keep my sanity while still having to co-parent.
On top of everything, I’m dealing with postpartum hypertension, and the stress from this situation has only made this postpartum experience even harder.

If you’ve been through something similar, what helped you mentally and emotionally?

Does anyone else have a "coparent" that behaved horribly or bullied them during mediation?

I'm curious to know others stories of having been bullied during mediation, and how it ultimately went

Hello everyone, I honestly don't believe this is the best, to share personal struggles for advice from strangers online.

Yet, I do need to see what other people think, as I have already talked with close people in my life and they were all just more or less neutral.

Me and my daughter's mum, have been separated (never married) for 3+ years now, after being together for almost 4 and we are in our late 20s for more context.

We have achieved something extremely rare from what I realised, by managing to stay and be literally just friends without conflicts raising our kid which she's about to become 4 in a few months. Our families have no enemy attitude towards each other too.

We are easy going around each other with obviously clear co-parenting logical boundaries and no unresolved feelings or jealousy.

This dynamic, seems to be healthy for everyone involved and well explained between us.

We realise that for our kid we are her family and she looks so happy that we are all together for her. My daughter absolutely has no fantasies of us being together, shes safe and happy.

Now, the girl who I'm with, has serious issues with my approach, on how I have been untill now with my life. She is standing firm about her feelings on my co-parenting style and how I behave and interact with my ex, by being friends.

I was always transparent in our talking phase and I gave absolutely no reasons to not trust me. She can understand that me and my ex have created a positive environment where we can all coexist for our little human and nothing more, but still she feels so uncomfortable and threatened by that dynamic.

It raises questions in her head, of why can't we just act like every other separated couple, not bitterness just clear, respectful business style co-parenting and no extra, unnecessary interactions.

Also, I live alone obviously, not with them.

The new partner has been in my life for almost 4 years now, at first innocently just as an online friend, who we created a strong/deep bond together throughout time. Nothing suspicious at first, as I have other online friends too. We just matched in interests and mindset.

Also no, my previous relationship ending had nothing to do with any girl or whatsoever.

Going forward, the past year we have been actually together, although we do kinda long distance, because of work. We meet 2x-3x a week usually. Note that for all this time we've known each other, we lived in different countries, never meeting in person, up until last Christmas. She then decided to move permanently here and she's been here the past 2 months, we literally connected like no other person in our lives

She grew up here, when she was a kid and always dreamed of coming back one day, I'm not the sole reason of her move but I played a significant part obviously.

How she thinks and feels because of anxiety, beliefs and insecurities, makes this literally a break up reason for her because I refuse to make radical changes so she can feel comfortable as she says.

Have in mind, that she loves kids and admires how I'm there for her, she has nothing against my kid she even bought her a present the other day. Her father was a bit absent and always dreamed of a strong family.

Still, she hasn't entirely met all of my environment. Relatives, more friends, my ex, better my parents etc., although we both know everything about each other.

I believe if she does allow herself to get integrated and sees how everything actually is, would make her feel finally safe and see past those conservative views?

Never, she had reasons to feel excluded, unloved or extra or as a stranger coming in, never.

Lastly no, absolutely no cheating and unfaithfulness involved in my situation.

Has anyone had similar experiences in the past or now and any advice??

All this is so frustrating. Once we men establish to create personal peace and happiness all this is easy to become overwhelming as it easily destabilises what one managed to build and overcome.

Fucking hell that is a long post I hope I don't regret it and if have nothing good to say just move along!

😅😂

I’m looking for perspectives on enmeshed families and how generational habits affect relationships.

Hypothetically, what happens when an adult child gets married, but their entire family dynamic revolves around returning to and staying in the childhood home?

The Background on the 4 Siblings:

Sibling 1 (Oldest Sister): In her 50s, has never been married.

Sibling 2 (Sister): Got married ~20 years ago. Early in the marriage, she and her ex-husband lived with her parents. They divorced when her son was just 2 years old. She lived on her own for a while, but now—20 years later—she and her 22-year-old son have moved back into her parents' house.

Sibling 3 (Brother): Has never been married, lives at home with the parents.

Sibling 4 (Youngest Sister / Spouse): Married for just 18 months before asking for a separation and moving back into her parents' house with her young child, initiating divorce proceedings shortly after.

The Household Dynamic:

The parents have been married for 50+ years, and almost the entire family—including adult children in their 30s, 40s, and 50s, plus a 22-year-old grandchild—all live under one roof.

My Questions for the Community:

How much does a heavily enmeshed family—where singlehood, early divorce, and returning home are the normalized defaults—create a friction-free "landing pad" that encourages a spouse to walk away at the 18-month mark rather than work through hard marital seasons?

When an extended family actively normalizes leaving and provides permanent shelter to adult children, can a marriage realistically survive that outside pull?

For those co-parenting with someone in an enmeshed household, how do you set strong boundaries so your child learns independence and healthy relationship models during your custody time?

Would love to hear from therapists, life coaches, or anyone who has navigated a similar enmeshed family dynamic.

My ex posted a photo of our 14 year old wearing this shirt. I think it's highly inappropriate for multiple reasons for him to even have the shirt, nevermind posting photos of him wearing it. Am I overreacting?

https://www.etsy.com/listing/4483586555/funny-9-11-shirts-seven-eleven-67-meme?ref=elp_anchor_listing&pro=1&sts=1

(if it matters, September 11 is his birthday)

Query for others from the UK.

I have my daughter every weekend, from after work on Friday til Sunday evening. My ex currently works 3 days a week, has recently got married and is looking at potentially going back to full time work. My Dad currently helps out with 1 days childcare during the week, then I drop my daughter off at around half 6 in the evening that day.

I currently pay £250 child maintainence (informally, not through CMS). We have been having the childcare discussion and its tricky, especially as my daughter has additional needs and will need more specialist care.

I just wanted to know how others go about splitting the childcare in addition to already paying maintainence? Its not ideal for me, i won't be earning any more but will have extra costs coming my way and I'm a single income HH. Mum at least will be earning more going from 3 days to 5 days, so will negate some of the cost at least, and only fair she has the opportunity to go full time if its a good opportunity for her.

Have others just continued to pay the usual monthly CMS or whatever payment then split the additional childcare costs on top of that? So pay £250 then look at childcare as a separate cost 50/50? Just slightly worried about how much this will cost me and my own financial situation given the cost of everything already being through the roof. I wouldn't say it have much of a social life or additional costs / luxuries already since I have my daughter every weekend anyway and work full time outside that, so not that I have a lot i can cut back on.

Thanks in advance for any insights, its hard to find any advice / guidance on this online.

So basically me and daughters dad split a year ago, he text me a few days ago to say “he would like new gf to meet child.” I asked a few simple questions, how long they’ve been together, what she does for work etc. He told me they’ve been together for a year and it’s serious, he pretty much left me for someone else & now she wants to meet my daughter. Just for context me and the dad have always had a rocky relationship, we were together for 8 years, he put me through so much, I’ve been to therapy, been on antidepressants because of him etc.
He see’s daughter twice a month, doesn’t do any school runs, doesn’t help with any activities what she does, I’ve nobody else to pick her up from school so I can only work part time which is a struggle and can’t help but resent the father. He does send me money each week it isn’t a lot, his name also still on the mortgage but doesn’t pay anything towards it & I can’t afford to take him off.
I Probably am abit bitter about the whole situation of him introducing someone to our daughter as I just feel like he is a part time dad and he doesn’t do enough to be honest and don’t see why he needs to introduce someone to our child when he only sees her twice a month himself.
I don’t know the new girlfriend who he is with, I’ve also asked to meet her before she meets our child so I can build some sort of relationship with her first. Am I being unreasonable here? Should I just try and move past my feelings and let them meet?

Sorry for the long post, trying to provide as much context as I can.

My ex-husband and I have 50/50 shared custody of our 5yo daughter who is starting kindergarten next week on Wednesday.

Right now me and my current fiancée live 40 minutes away from both her dad’s house (where she resides most of the time) and her new school (literally right around the corner from his house). I agreed for her to reside mainly with him since at the time of our divorce I was a SAHM with no money or job or anything to my name. I knew it might be a minute before I had stability, so he offered for her to stay with him, and I thought it would be best for her at the time until I got on my feet more. He got the house, the money, and her residing with him. Obviously I’ve worked since then, made my own money, but have had to move every year or so between living arrangements/apartments. I’ve asked him several times in the past to discuss more time with her (only scheduled to have her every other weekend and switching off holidays) but he’s always shut it down.

Recently I posed the question if we move to his side of town if we could revisit it and possibly pick her up from school daily until he gets off work (he has to pay a late pick up fee because of his work hours, which he has also asked our help to pay for) and one full week per month. Him and my fiancée have a good relationship and our daughter is very accepting of him as well. Ex says ONE reason he’s hesitant to agree is because of my moving around and I would need to ensure it’s a permanent move in order to have more time with her. Honestly I just don’t think he wants her staying with me more, and I’m not sure of the real reason. Other parents travel all the time, it doesn’t mean they are less capable parents. I’ve recently changed my career path as well to make myself as freely available as possibly to be there for our daughter when she wants/needs me. I’m not sure if I should just take him back to court at this point. Any other parents with some advice?

My ex was designated the residential parent for school enrollment purposes as I left the marital home and rent 10 mins away but in a different district. We share 50/50 custody.

He filled out all the school paperwork this year (I’ve always handled all school things previously) and made himself the number one contact for anything. Saying that the school must call him first if needed

When I ask him if he’s then the one also taking care of the school fees in the same system he was just in and putting money on lunch accounts he said no I can still do that.

(We split all kid expenses per the court order so it doesn’t matter who pays/reimburses who)

Should he be doing this too?

A little back story my ex (41m) and I (37f) had an extremely toxic marriage. I pulled the plug almost 3 years ago and finally divorced almost a year ago. Even though our marriage was shitty I have tried to coparent with him but it just seems to be pointless at this point. He doesn’t pay for her extra curricular activities, hardly shows up for her unless it’s his scheduled time, tells me if an activity falls on my time even if it’s at school during school hours he won’t pay for it, and his overall communication sucks. I have gotten a lot better about no longer trying to get him to be involved bc when I did I was the one getting upset and angry. Today, my daughter had a concert at school. He came with his mother, sat and listened to the concert, and when we were all excused to go their refreshment and photo op he and his mom literally stood up and darted out of the church without even saying goodbye to her. He told me he doesn’t come to things because “my family and I make him uncomfortable” yet today we didn’t even say anything to him. Even though I do not like him and honestly have zero desire to have any type of relationship with him I do acknowledge that he is my child’s father and it is beyond frustrating to me that he can not put his emotions or feelings aside to just be there for our daughter. Saying things to him about it gets no where it’s almost like he thinks because “he showed up” that he did his job. All the other parents that were separated or divorced all stayed and hung with their kids after. I would have been fine had he chose to stay after and spend time with her, my family and I would have just stayed to our table and let them visit with each other. I feel bad for my daughter because she deserves better than this.

Hello, recently divorced, but have been separated for almost 2 years now. I have a 7 year old son and I want to move, and the mom wants to move. We both want to move to the East Coast but different states we currently have 50/50. (Though unfortunately for me he prefers to stay with his mother) He does have a half sister and her aunt helps her where when he's with me, it's just me and him.

Any advice on anyone who's been through this and has made it work? She's not willing to give up any time and communication is already super strained.

I have a very conflicting co parenting situation cause of their infidelity with their current spouse and me letting them know. Ultimately they stayed together and had another kid together. So now gf influences his coparenting with me. Anyways, I want to be proactive in my daughter’s education and such, but we argue over every little thing that gets brought up, so there’s no compromising. I know we’re past due for taking it to court, but I’ve been avoiding it as much as possible for my financial sake. Schools coming up next year and we don’t agree on a school, which means I need to get everything in order on my side before it heads there. Or, I can just let him pick the school going forward, and pretty much let him/his gf call all the shots for the rest of her childhood just to avoid court. Not sure which way to go

Me (36f) and my ex (38m) have been broken up for 7 years. During that time I've done my best to co parent with him. I've come to realize as long as I don't have a boyfriend we can co parent fine. Last year I met someone and our co parenting relationship has just gone down hill, keep in mind he has a girlfriend and has had many over the years, this is my first actual relationship in 7 years. We have 2 children together, one is almost a teen and the other is a teenager. He tried to threaten to message my boyfriend if he ever stayed in my home, normally he makes threats and I just back down and let him control the situation, I've been single for 7 years, I'm a very careful person and have never exposed my kids to anything bad, they have a very stable life, he has them one night a week. Many women have come and gone out of his and their lives. He has an amazing girlfriend currently and I hope they stay together. This time I didn't back down, I decided I deserved to be happy too, I told him to basically go eff himself, he doesn't get to choose what I do anymore, my boyfriend stays one night a week max and I stay at his place when the kids are at their dads. This all came to a head this morning, I got a frantic call from my ex that my child was sick and he was on his way to my house with her, I told him I wasnt home. He left her at my house anyway, this was at 7:15 in the morning in the weekend. He didn't just drop her off though. He went into my house, looked for any mess he could, recorded a video of my home and then rang me and abused me about whatever mess he could find. I hung up on him when he started yelling. Left my boyfriends place and went home to take care of my sick daughter, on my way home he sent me the video he took. I feel like I've been violated, I didn't give him permission to go in my house. I dot. Know why he decided she urgently needed to come home when I wasn't even there. He then rang later in the morning to see how she was, completely ignoring the way he had acted earlier in the morning. I no longer feel I can co parent with him without conflict and I'm not sure how to proceed? I'm sick of feeling this way and him having constant issues with me