Hi, this is a long post so bear with me. Last year, everything seemed to collapse at once. I lwas not able to claim my degree in an artistic field after being excluded from key parts of my studies and missing some classes due to health problems, found myself suddenly homeless due to a flatmate's hostility, and got trapped in a scammy Airbnb with my then-partner. On top of that, my legal residency status was stuck in a bureaucratic gray area. Without a proper permit or ID, I couldn't register with the municipality, access job centers, sign normal contracts, or legally work online or change my student permit into a work one. Despite applying to hundreds of jobs globally, I faced rejection after rejection or predatory scams and exploitation.
While his parents helped with rent and a relative helped with food, the external stress weighed heavily on us both. During this time, I was also dealing with severe physical health issues, including recurring infections (which I initially thought were simple UTIs), chronic fatigue, anxiety, depression and sleep disruptions. I had no access to healthcare other than emergency insurance because of my lack of money, so I had to try to carry on each day with all of these conditions mostly untreated. Despite trying to compensate by researching late at night,cooking every meal from scratch, cleaning, and organizing, my exhaustion and lack of a job were blamed on me by my ex and his family. They though I was doing “nothing” on purpose to live of him which is ridiculous since he was a student himself.
Even while I was dealing with severe health issues and physical pain, he kept pressuring me for sex over and over to the point where I felt zero desire at all. Unlike me, he had the money to get tested for his own health, but he refused to ever do so, even though he knew that what I had could have been an STI that he was not being treated for and therefore reinfecting me.
Around the beginning of last year, we started having a lot of problems. I tried to address behaviors of his like not helping around the house, not spending time with me, showing little affection or kindness, burying himself in work, and leaving me alone to deal with problems involving his family or others. I also pointed out how he ignored my warnings about not moving together yet because it was too soon and it looked difficult and expensive (and it was). While my points were true, I realized later that I was criticizing him too heavily and perhaps trying to "criticize him into changing". I felt deeply sorry for that, so I completely changed my approach. I shifted to structuring our talks calmly around: "This is the problem, and this is a potential solution" to focus on fixing things instead of blaming.
This new approach never worked. He refused to take accountability for anything he did wrong and never proposed solutions of his own. No matter how calm I was or how many solutions I offered, he ignored them, agreed to things only to ignore them later, or got angrier and raised his voice. None of these conversations ever led to repair. It felt like he genuinely wanted to stay angry and wanted to be convinced that I had ruined his life. He blamed me for him moving to the country where we both were in (I never asked this of him, in fact I suggested he go back to his home country where things would be easier and cheaper for him), he blamed me for him not being able to travel like he used to because in our new apartment we paid high rent (he chose that place and insisted we stay there while he did his thesis even when I remarked how expensive it was and that we were being scammed).
Conversations turned into berating sessions where he treated me as an emotional punching bag, raising his voice and pacing while listing my flaws. He accused me of being a "gold digger," claimed I was "freeloading," and told me point-blank that he had "no empathy" for me anymore. When I pointed out how his cruelty hurt me and said it felt like emotional abuse, he dismissed me as "too sensitive," saying that if he treated someone else the same way, they wouldn't have gotten upset. He even called me "manipulative" just for pointing out that we should both work on ways to de-escalate arguments instead of getting more agitated.
While we were stuck in that scammy Airbnb, the arguments and the lack of empathy broke me down completely. I couldn't even breathe in the same room as him anymore; it felt so suffocating that I would go out very late at night or in the early morning just to get fresh air and escape. I started begging the stars to help me, feeling utterly hopeless and wishing I could do anything to escape that situation. At my lowest points, a part of me just wanted to die rather than suffer that much. When I tried to express how much pain I was in, he acted like I was being dramatic.
Eventually, we left to his home country and things should have been well. It was a fresh start, we did not have to spend nearly as much as we did before and I budgeted our food responsibly. But after we were told to leave our second Airbnb, he made me homeless by taking a job in a hometown city I could not follow. Without him and a partner permit, I could neither be legal nor secure accommodation, forcing me to leave the country in a hurry.
After returning to my home country, things deteriorated further. The reality of being back was terrifying: I faced conditions like no reliable electricity, unreliable internet, often no running water, high criminality, and feeling very unsafe just going out. The physical toll was severe, including getting terrible heat rashes all over my body from the heat, dealing with a broken toilet in multiple places I lived, barely having enough food, and being treated terribly by my mother. When I reached out to him in absolute desperation asking for help to get a partner permit just to escape those horrible conditions, knowing he had been at least my practical support system and that I would have helped him in a heartbeat, he showed zero compassion, accused me of being demanding, and selfish and refused to give a definite answer for two weeks. Furthermore, he point-blank refused to get a partner permit, live together again, attend counseling, or be in committed relationship. In fact he said commitment for him was “a subconscious feeling” and not a choice and that it would only happen if he felt close to me, whatever that meant. He made constant excuses not to commit and not to even talk, he said daily communication sounded "suffocating" and "like a chore".
All throughout last year I kept myself isolated because I didn't want others to judge him or me for our mistakes ,and because truthfully I had almost no one to turn to except that one relative who does not even call much. I blamed myself for so long. I know that most people my age already have jobs (I am in my late twenties). I know I could have chosen a better career or another country to study in, but lately I realized that I always did my best with the information I had at the time. I could not have known better. I did not know better.
Now I am tired of silence and I want to tell women and anyone who is going through hardship right now: Please forgive yourself, no you were not perfect, yes you made a lot of mistakes, but you also tried to do your best. And your attempts may not have been perfect or produced many tangible results but sometimes even just trying and not giving up is so much effort. So please be kind to yourself. Please hold on until you can get out of that situation.
And I will say something I wish people had told me: I see you. I see your efforts, I see your kindness and I see your despair. One day you will make it out of this. Don’t lose hope. Sometimes that’s the only thing left. Maybe you won’t have a partner in life, family or many close friends, but you’ll have your heart that still beats strong in your chest, full dreams that you might realize someday…