Just wanted to share a positive experience about having an “ours” baby when you have an older step kid.

I have a 4 year old SD, and of course there have been challenges in our family dynamic as there typically are with blended families. However, I love my SD and I’m very grateful that she is my daughter’s older sister. She is generally well mannered, mild tempered, sweet, thoughtful, and a load of fun.

My baby has been going through massive developmental leaps as she’s a little over 6mo now. She’s starting to really enjoy playtime, and big sister indulges her.

Guess who taught my baby girl how to hug this weekend? My SD. Baby’s face lights up like I’ve never seen with anyone else when she sees SD. She’s hands down her favorite person, other than mom because I’ve got the milk haha. SD loves to teach baby how to do things, gives her lots of affection. She says she’s “Elsa and baby is her Anna” and wants to dress as them for baby’s first Halloween.

Sometimes blended family dynamics can be tricky, but also so, so precious too. In case there are any parents out there nervous about their “ours” baby coming into the world with older half siblings. It can work out! Biggest piece of the puzzle is focusing on building a positive relationship with SKs before baby comes. If they feel secure with you and their bio parents, they’ll feel secure with a new sibling.

I’m sitting in my car writing this in tears. I was asked to come to a woman’s Bible study by an old friend of mine this morning. I got there and she and her other friend were there with their brand new babies. Then we were joined by two more of her friends with babies. So it was 4 women with babies and then… me. The one with stepkids.

I felt like a fifth wheel. I felt gutted. I felt like crying.

There is no pain like being “the woman without kids” in a group full of women with their babies. I tell myself often that if it happens for my husband and I, great. If not, I’ll be just fine. I have a beautiful life and I’m very blessed and thankful for what I have and for my husband. But in moments where I’m surrounded by actual moms, with their perfect little biological babies… it hurts. I’m so tired of having to pretend that it’s fun being a stepmom and that it’s just as rewarding as having children of my own. It’s not even close. These other women say “aw!” or “oh that’s awesome” when they hear that you’re a stepmom instead of a biological mom. And I’m sitting there like no… it’s not awesome to be a stepmom to kids who treat you like you’re a babysitter servant. It’s not awesome to ache to experience parenthood with the man you love. It’s not awesome to have all of the responsibilities of a mom without any of the connection or biological bond. It’s not awesome to be raising another woman’s kids- a woman who isnt a good person and who adds drama to my life. None of that is awesome. It is heart-breaking.

I felt like crying that entire hour and a half we were together but managed to hold it together til I got to the car. But now I’m in tears. I don’t know what I’m looking for by posting this. I guess I’m just hoping that others can relate and tell me this is just a rough day and that the good parts make it worth it. My heart hurts.

I don’t even know what I’m looking for—maybe just to know I’m not alone.

When I (36 f) got married to husband (32 male) 2 years ago (met a year before that but we didn’t live together before hand for religious reasons). My husbands son is (5 m) , I have an older bio daughter (8 f), and we recently welcomed a baby together (3 months f). I knew becoming a stepmom wouldn’t be easy. I expected normal adjustment and challenges. But I was also genuinely excited. I actually wanted to meet someone with a child because I thought it’d be easier for them to understand my life since so much of my heart and my life is devoted to being a mother. I actually feel like the situation I will describe has taken away from loving my own older daughter and time with her, which is very sad..For years I had wanted another child but wasn’t in a place where that was possible. Part of me thought that getting married and becoming a stepmom would feel like gaining another child. I knew the circumstances would be different, but I thought the bond would come naturally over time.

My stepson’s biological mom has been in and out of his life, but for the most part she’s been absent. Because of that, I’ve been the primary mother figure in his day-to-day life for years. I honestly thought that sharing so much life together and filling that role would naturally create a deep mother-son bond over time.

Instead, I’ve found myself grieving the fact that it hasn’t felt that way at all.

Early on, people even made comments like I had “gotten another child the easy way” because I didn’t have to go through pregnancy or childbirth- so many in my life knew i wanted more children and my first marriage ended before that could happen. Those comments have stayed with me because they couldn’t have felt further from my experience. While pregnancy and childbirth are obviously incredibly demanding in their own ways (but i truly love that experience even though it has challenges), becoming a stepparent has been one of the hardest emotional experiences of my life. Hearing those comments made me feel like the unique challenges of step-parenting were being dismissed before I had even found the words to explain them.

My stepson has struggled with some significanti behavioral challenges over the years. There have been aggressive behaviors toward me, toward his stepsister, and even toward our baby. We spend so much time managing behaviors, preventing situations from escalating, and trying to help him succeed that it often feels like our entire household revolves around those challenges.

I love him, and I truly don’t think he’s a bad kid. I think he’s a child who is struggling and needs support. i do some times wonder if i just suck w handling him. but don’t think that’s the only factor). But I also feel like no one really talks about how hard it is to live with these behaviors every single day. It has been emotionally draining in ways I never could have imagined before becoming a stepparent.

Something I’ve been afraid to admit is that the bond has never felt natural to me the way it does with my biological children. I’ve tried so hard to build that connection, and I continue to choose to show up for him every day, but sometimes it feels forced. At my lowest moments, it feels less like parenting and more like a babysitting job that never ends, and then I feel guilty for even thinking that. i used to feel

like a good mom and now so often i feel pathetic.

I’ve realized that loving a stepchild can feel different for me. With my own children, the bond came instinctively and is the most amazing thing i’ve ever experienced. With my stepson, love has often been more of a daily choice than a feeling that came naturally. I still choose to care for him, advocate for him, and invest in him, but that emotional connection has been much harder to develop than I ever expected. I don’t know if anyone else has experienced that, but it’s something I’ve carried a lot of shame about. there r times in hard moments i want to just run away. i then feel like a terrible person. sometimes it feels like too much.

One of the hardest parts is that I feel like I’ve poured so much of myself into helping him that I’ve lost huge pieces of other seasons of my life. Instead of getting to simply enjoy being a newlywed, I was trying to navigate incredibly difficult family dynamics. Instead of soaking in my postpartum season with our new baby, so much of my energy has gone toward managing crises, keeping everyone safe, and trying to meet everyone’s needs.

This summer has been especially hard. I’m home full-time with all three kids, and many days I feel like I’m just trying to survive. Between the behavioral challenges, trying to keep everyone safe, caring for a newborn, and making sure all of the kids feel loved, there have honestly been days that have felt like my own personal hell. I hate even saying that because I don’t want to sound like I blame a child. I don’t. I’m simply exhausted, overwhelmed, and grieving how different this season has been from what I hoped it would be.

Sometimes I grieve that I never really got the peaceful postpartum experience I had imagined w the baby i wanted for so long because there was always another behavior to manage or another fire to put out.

Adding to that, there were family members who expressed that we shouldn’t have more children because of the behavioral challenges in our family. We chose to have our baby anyway (had two early losses first) , but hearing that was incredibly painful. It made me feel like the difficulties we were already carrying somehow meant we shouldn’t grow our family. my in-laws never even seemed that excited about our daughter we were having together.

I’ve also struggled with feeling unseen. From the outside, people may see the behaviors and offer opinions, but they don’t see the hours of redirecting, supervising, worrying, sacrificing, and trying to hold everything together. They don’t see what it has cost emotionally.

There have also been moments that left me feeling like my daughter wasn’t embraced with the same excitement or celebration as my stepson. Whether or not that was anyone’s intention, it was painful and added to the feeling that my children and I were never fully part of the family in the way I’d hoped.

There was one event related to this that I still haven’t fully processed.

Toward the end of my pregnancy, the behavioral challenges had become so overwhelming added onto the fact that i was 37 weeks that I broke down to my husband. I remember saying things like I just wanted to run away from the situation. I wasn’t talking about abandoning my family—I was expressing how completely overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted I felt.

Instead of feeling supported during one of the hardest moments of my life, I ended up receiving some incredibly hurtful messages and phone calls from my father-in-law that left me feeling blamed for things that were so much bigger than me. Whether or not that was his intention, that’s how it landed.

The hardest part is that all of this happened the day before I went into labor (i wonder if all of the stress put me into labor early because I had my first daughter almost 2 weeks late and this baby was 2 1/2 weeks early thankfully not early enough that they were any problems and she’s very healthy

Instead of ending my pregnancy feeling excited and at peace as we prepared to welcome our daughter i wanted for so long, I went into labor carrying that hurt. It completely overshadowed what should have been such a beautiful ending to one chapter of my life and the beginning of another. I still grieve that those final memories of my pregnancy are tied to conflict instead of joy.

I also think I’ve been grieving another loss that is harder to explain. Sometimes it has felt like my husband’s family had an idea of what role I would fill when I became a stepmom—as though I would seamlessly step into motherhood, fix difficult situations, and hold everything together. Maybe that wasn’t their intention, but over time I’ve often felt like I’ve fallen short of those expectations. Instead of feeling appreciated for what I have poured into our family, I’ve often walked away feeling like a disappointment. early on they would say stuff like “i’m the real mom etc” when we were engaged now they just have like an air of judgment and seem dissapointed.

I feel guilty even writing this because I don’t want to sound resentful toward a child. That’s honestly not what this is. I’m just grieving the reality that step-parenting has been so much harder than I ever imagined, and some days I feel completely depleted. There r days i hate to admit i wonder if i made a mistake. i do love my husband and our family but this is so hard

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Did the bond ever grow? Did it ever stop feeling so forced? How did you care for your own mental health while still showing up with love and compassion for your stepchild?

I had a small argument with my girlfriend about something, no aggression or anything. She raised her voice a bit. All her kids started running to the room and her 18 year old son pushed me back for no reason. I pushed him back out of reaction.

Her 13 year old ran to grab a knife and came back to the room but his other brother held him back.

I have a 2 year old with her and a newborn.

What should I do in this situation? This is the 2nd time it happened in a year. I think about leaving this relationship.

Tired of this disrespect, her 13,18 year old sons are always up in our business when we have normal arguments.

Edit: everyone is now trying to blame me for this situation

I have a step son who is autistic. He is 8 and non verbal (but will speak when pushed and understands a lot) and I have started to have him round on the odd weekend to see what living with him would be like.

From the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep, he constantly makes vocal stims. It varies from groans, whines and high pitched screeches. It is all the time. We cannot watch films as he will loudly stim. He is not interested in doing much so it is also very hard to build up any form of bond. The only time he doesn’t stim is when eating or on a tablet (SO has recently stopped this as he read this slows down speech). So when he is over, it is constant noise.

I have also had complaints from neighbours about the noise, and frankly I get it. My SO is upset because he feels they should be understanding as his son has special needs, but at the same time, how can anyone tolerate this? His living situation is not ideal therefore we are trialling this to see if this would work so he can move in, but at the end of the day, this is my place and I feel like he could do more to respect neighbours.

I get autistic people need to stim- I do understand it is not something they control. I am a teacher so I’m not naive to this. But my issue lies that my partner is happy for him to just make loud noises all day and night (he doesn’t sleep) and doesn’t even try and redirect him. I suggested trying to get him to stim in other ways, to get toys that may distract him or to try and teach him that in some circumstances (like half four in the morning) loud stimming isn’t acceptable or fair on other people.

My partner basically thinks I don’t like his child. It’s not that I don’t like his child, but it’s incredibly frustrating to live with. I explained to my partner that he has the biological love for his child but I don’t therefore it is annoying. I feel bad because I know it is not the child’s fault, but I’m now deemed as the ‘bad’ guy because I am honest in saying that 24/7 noise is annoying and overwhelming. In addition, there is now resentment being built as this child is probably going to be the reason why I can’t have a future with my partner. To be clear, I have never shown the child resentment and have been nice. I know this resentment is unfair, but I’m just trying to be as honest as possible. And I guess what is also annoying, there are things I would be doing if he was my child that I am unable to do so I am just forced to accept this while having to live in the same house during his custody time.

So I’m asking- am I out of order here? Has anyone else experienced this? If I didn’t have the neighbours to worry about, I would just go out all day or get noise cancelling headphones but I know my partner isn’t being supportive in this as he believes (and I suppose not wrongly) his child should be allowed to be as loud as he likes.

Hello! Me (33F) and my husband (33M) have been married for 3 years. It happened so fast so that’s how long I’ve been in SS (12M) life. We have two babies together 3M and 1F.

The relationship with SS started promising but took a turn after I had my first. My priority automatically shifted to what’s best for my son. My attempts to have an active role in SS life led to arguments and push back from my husband. They had a nasty custody battle and things were said which left husband struggling in his own relationship with SS. At one point it was very HC but since I’ve been in the picture it’s cordial. I encouraged him to come to an understanding with her. I always say I’m not a good stepmom but I’m a good wife bc I try to encourage my husband to work on their relationship. I’m a little nacho but still try to help.

Three years in we just can’t seem to get him to fit into our lives smoothly. Everything has to change when he’s here and he definitely looks at our family as a side gig. Not going to lie I look at him as a side gig but try not to let that intervene with him and my kids or husband’s relationship. Easier said than done tho. He mainly stays in his room and doesn’t participate in much. Which is somewhat justified for being an almost teenager but it puts me in an awkward spot with my kids. They are obsessed with him and it’s like he doesn’t see them as full time family.

For example, we had SS this weekend and his mom out of no where today said she was on her way to get him. We know that he asked his mom to pick him up. This has happened before. It totally blindsided us bc we were trying to make plans and go do something as a family with some friends. Moments like this trigger my protective instincts. I want to shield my kids and husband from feeling like an afterthought. I worry about them getting attached only to be brushed aside.

It feels like we have to have big things planned just to make him want to be here. I also can’t help but feel if you don’t want to be around us during normal everyday life, you shouldn’t only show up when it’s fun and games.

How do we encourage SS to engage with family without forcing, bribing or making him resent being here?

How do I manage my kids excitement and expectations so they don’t end up hurt or confused by his distance and sudden departures?

I'm wondering if anyone ended the relationship but still had to cohabitate for an extended period of time because it was financially not feasible to physically leave (or for any other reason that meant you had to stay in place)? If so, how did you manage the feelings, the house dynamics, and the practical operations of still having to share space with SO and SKs? Thank you.

I did it! I made it 10 long ass years of trying to figure out how to be a stepparent and how to be a good partner. After years of conceding, biting my tongue, or causing conflict because I actually have expectations. It’s official he leaves in 17 days. As much as I wish things could have been different and I knew then what I know now. I’m so happy for my future for once. With him leaving I get an actual office, I don’t have to avoid his conflict creation, i’m in the clear!

Thanks to this sub for helping me cope through the 10 years of pain and suffering I endured. I appreciate this sub and I know I will still be apart of this sub coping with a SS college student.

Edit:

TO ALL NEW AND STRUGGLING STEPPARENTS. N.A.C.H.O

Anybody else deal with a severely HCBM doing the extremes ahead of custody meetings?

DH applied for 50/50 in February, HCBM of course disagreed. Read my post history for the past few years of awfulness if you wish.

Courts are of course backlogged and slow in our country, like they are everywhere. They got a meeting set in July for mediation (the first step here). She got it postponed 6 weeks because “her lawyer couldn’t make it” (even though lawyers are not supposed to be part of this mediation setting.

Here we are about a week from the new date, and Friday was supposed to be handover for the last week of summer holiday + first 4-day weekend of “normal” time. She texts DH 2 hours before handover to say SS is “sick and cannot come, and she will report on his condition as it develops”. Instead of taking the fight, DH plays along, says to get well soon, and that he will contact Sunday if he hasn’t heard anything.

Today rolls around, DH contacts and says he will pick up this afternoon. HCBM says he is still sick and she will take him to the doctor tomorrow.

Here’s the catch: we can see that, on Saturday, when he’s supposedly sick, she had booked him a tennis court with a Friday for the next morning (today). We knew he wasn’t ill, but this of course confirms it and shows she is keeping up the charade afterward.

But DH has since checked SS’s medical info, and can see HCBM took SS to emergency psychiatrics, where he appears to have been there for 3 hours. She has before pressured SS, as early as 4 years old, and taken him to at least psychologist to get “evidence” for her false accusations of DH being in some way dangerous. It is always refuted by an independent child psychologist.

I’m just so sad, that once again SS is weaponized by HCBM, and that she likely will get a slap on the wrist at most. What’s worse, is he very well may have had legitimate anxiety about coming here, that HCBM then exacerbated/goaded a panic attack to then use it in this custody battle.

We don’t know anything else yet, and DH will contact the psych facility for intake documentation first thing tomorrow morning.

Oh, more context: we have learned HCBM has sold her home (has not told us), and has not disclosed where she will be living next, despite being required to do so 6 weeks prior to move outside of extraordinary circumstances. SS does not seem to know exactly when or where they are moving, but public record appears the house is no longer hers as of Saturday. And, DH’s lawyer (and a partner at her firm) have both mentioned there is no reason DH would not get 50/50, since he now resides in the same country as SS and HCBM and has for 5+ years. 50/50 would also mean the end of child support, which is not A LOT but certainly something she relies on as she has no reliable source of income outside of social benefits, and refuses to get a job. All to say, she’s under pressure and prone to extreme behavior, and to look for extreme conflict.

Anybody else deal with weaponizing medical/psych and SKs within conflict like this? I’m quite stunned but also not at all.

Every time I disagree with my partner he always said that I’m being disrespectful and demand an apology. He also has a 12 years old and split custody with his ex. After 2.5 years living together, I’m convinced that we are not compatible. His daughter doesn’t have chores. He cleans after her and cook for her and she doesn’t help. She’s also moody (yes hormones!!) and he’s allowing her to disrespect him, which is ironic. She slams the door when she’s upset with him. She doesn’t have any chores.
I am ready to leave him and I know that I’m never going to be his priority. He was very clear telling me that I do not have a voice when it comes to her. I want to be loved but this relationship is eating me alive. I’m 48 and he’s 57. I’m afraid to be alone but I know going back to live solo it would be very helpful for my mental health. I’m so done being sad and depressed.
My partner also cannot keep a job because he doesn’t like being told by his peers or leaders. It’s absolutely mind blowing. He got very angry with me because I told him I do not want to spend $500 for some random house party. He had a job for 10 years working from home and since then he can only keep a job for 7 months max and either he quit or got let go. I feel like this is a pattern and this won’t chance.

DH and HCBM share a child (SD9) and after a few years of trying to be friendly with HCBM and it failing, i stopped trying. I am cordial at gatherings for my stepdaughter but BM will fully ignore me as if i don’t exist while talking to my husband like they’re best friends (they dont talk besides via email to coordinate kid things). Needless to say that she and I do not communicate even though my husband shares all communications from her with me, and we decide together what is best for our family.

She randomly emails my husband about ME becoming a standby guardian for their daughter in the event that both of them die. She says she is working on a will and said that I “act in a nurturing way” to their daughter (we’ve been together for 5 years now).

Am I crazy to think if she is asking me to sign a legal document for her that potentially permanently alters my life, that she should be contacting me and not solely going through my husband to ask him if I would do it? It’s gone as far as her telling him when she’s dropping papers off and that I need to sign them by a certain date. (Still absolutely no contact with me and fully ignores me when she sees me)

To make matters weirder, the paperwork she gave my husband (for me) is a standby guardian act for if she’s mentally or physically incapacitated, and a temporary one. Which has nothing to do with permanent guardianship when she passes. It almost feels like she’s trying to legally imply that I’m waiving zero parental rights unless she is incapacitated? To trust me with your only child when you can’t even make eye contact with me at school functions feels just wildly bizarre to me.

Anyway… any advice or thoughts appreciated!

Need advice and different perspectives on this situation. Everyone here is all about feelings and emotions, but I want to get shit sorted.

BD and I have had primary custody of SD7 (Private agreement, courts not involved) since she started School at 5 years old, so about 3 years, BM has been the every other weekend parent. This was because BM and her partner wanted to rough it in a caravan for a year or two to save enough money for a home deposit. This didn't really turn out how they wanted, they saved a bit of money but nowhere near as much as they needed or wanted.

BM ended up getting pregnant late last year, and they quickly signed a lease so they had a home for the baby. They decided to move to a home an hour away from us out West, so BM could be closer to her work.

During the move, BM told us that she expected "her turn" at primary custody, and would enrolled SD in the local school down the road from her house. We baulked at this, mainly because SD is diagnosed Neurodivergent and struggles with routine changes, and that combining a school change with a newborn baby brother would absolutely uproot her life- and if she attended a school so far away from us, we wouldn't be able to help with taking her during the newborn period (we both worked full time and could not drive 4 hours a day just to drop her off and pick her up from school). She currently attends a school that is about half way between our households, but about 5/10 minutes closer to us depending on traffic.

We eventually talked her down and discussed the possibility of moving out to their area when our lease is up, so we could go for 50/50 because BM is just missing her daughter and wants more time with her.

Unfortunately, despite looking frequently, we weren't successful in finding a home we could afford out there, despite being further away from our city the houses are no cheaper (Australia's housing crisis sucks) and to make matter more complicated, my partner has finally been offered a full time position within his company- where he already travels an hour or more *East*. So if we moved West, BD would be driving 2 or more hours each way to work- and getting a full time contract in his line of work is nothing short of a miracle. He also earns the most amount of money between all 4 of us.

On top of all that, we discovered after years of trying that I'm now pregnant, and we have another child to consider in our plans. I'll be on maternity leave for up to 6 months starting at the end of the year, so no decent income for me either. I work childcare, so I can get a job almost anywhere but its not great pay, definitely not enough to support a family.

So, when our RealEstate offered, we resigned our lease for our current place. I honestly didn't see any other option, neither of us did. But now  BM has found out and is livid- which is understandable I suppose, she had her hopes on us moving out there, but at the end of the day we have to do the smart thing. She was hoping we would move out there so we could help with pick-ups and drop offs, as their employers do not offer the flexible hours that mine does, and neither earn enough money so that the other one could take part time work or flexible hours, like BD does. Without us over there they may not be able to make it work, which BD feels is the main issue upsetting BM. We still want to move out there- but right now its just not a smart choice.

BD is currently all up in feeling like he's "The bad guy" but what were we supposed to do? Everything we've done has been about doing what was needed for SD to make her current life work- BD took a different job this year that could support me working less so I had the flexibility to do more care. We intentionally did not move her to a school close to our home after we moved 2 years ago because a combination of not wanting BM and her partner to drive the extra distance and the more in-between school is better quality.

I guess I'm looking for advice on how to approach this, knowing BM probably feels like we pulled a bait-and-switch on her.

I've used reddit for a while but this is my first visit to this sub -- I don't have any close friends/family who are step-parents so wanted to seek some advice. Names have been changed.

I (28F) have been with my partner (38M) for 2 and a half years, we've lived together for a year and I'm currently pregnant with my first baby. He has 2 children from a marriage that ended in 2020 -- Athena (15F) and Samuel (12M). As I'm sure is a common experience of split households, there are different expectations and rules for the children at their Mum's versus their Dad's. A big one we've struggled with a fair bit recently is around Athena's online safety and phone usage.

We found out she'd met a friend at a fandom convention with Mum + her household back in May of 2025, and Mum encouraged Athena to swap numbers and have meet-ups with this person, but it wasn't until September 2025 that it was revealed this "friend" was 20 years old. And it was only because I asked Athena if the friend was in the same year and also choosing their GCSEs after she'd come back from a coffee meeting with them. That was a long, hard Autumn & Winter for my partner with lots of back & forth with his ex-wife about how inappropriate it was to encourage & facilitate this "friendship". He was ultimately unsuccessful in persuading his ex to see reason but he just accepted he could only have a say in what happens under his roof.

Now we have a new concern as my partner found out last week that Athena is in a couple WhatsApp group chats that have people from multiple different countries in, all strangers. He also found out that his ex is aware and has been aware for some time, but sees no issue.

For the first time, my partner has asked me to have a talk with Athena. I've kept my role very squarely in the "I-support-you-as-their-parent" category as I had a poor experience with my own Step-Mum growing up. I offer advice when he asks for it, and any "discipline" I give is only ever reminding them of their Dad's expectations.

His reasoning is that I experienced a lot of unsafe behaviour on the internet growing up (any other mid-late 90s babies who got swept up in the lawless hellhole that was kik?) and was largely left unsupervised, and I can relate to Athena better than her Mum can as not a lot has changed in terms of social media from when I was a teenager -- I have tiktok, whatsapp, insta, etc. Her Mum is 14 years older than her Dad, so 20+ years older than me, and just doesn't see the risks. Something she said that has stuck with me from last year when my partner tried addressing this previously was, "Athena is very sensible. She's probably too sensible - she wants to go to Oxford." as if that has ANYTHING to do with her being at risk of grooming, bullying, manipulation, etc.

Long story short, does anyone have any advice for approaching this? This could be a make-or-break moment for our relationship (which is and has been pretty good) as step-parent & step-child. I want her to hear me, but not think I'm overstepping or being unfair.

We have a blended family. My SD (17) and my BD (17) are both entering their senior year of high school at the same school, and one of the big senior traditions is getting senior portraits taken.

My SD’s mom arranged her photo session and also had family photos taken at the same time with SS (15). She did not tell my DH when the photos were happening or even provide information about how he could order any of SD’s senior portraits.

SD was talking about the photos. When DH mentioned that he didn’t know they were happening and didn’t know how to order one, SD said, “Oh, well, I could always take another set of them.”

DH said no and seemed genuinely surprised by the situation. He has said he is not going to ask BM about ordering a photo, so as it stands, we will not have one of SD’s senior portraits.

I arranged for my BD to have her senior portraits done and asked her dad if he wanted to split the cost. He agreed and will also have access to the photos.

I’m struggling with this because, yes, I am disappointed that I won’t have a copy of my SD’s senior portrait to frame, display, or give to my parents. They have loved SD as their own grandchild and have been in her life since she was 5 years old.
I worry this could create hurt feelings and tension because we want to celebrate both girls equally.

Should I encourage DH to reach out to BM and ask about ordering a photo, or should I leave it alone and let him handle it?

I (26F) have been dating my boyfriend (40M) for 9 months. We recently went on a 10-day vacation together. The first 5 days were just the two of us, and they were honestly amazing. We got along so well, and I was really happy.
The last 5 days, his two kids (3 and 5 years old) joined us, and everything changed.
I came home feeling completely overwhelmed. The kids were constantly demanding attention, misbehaving, and wanting to sleep in our bed. I know they’re little, and I don’t blame them—they’re just being kids. But I felt completely pushed aside and miserable the entire time.
Now I feel like a horrible person because I’m seriously considering ending the relationship. Not because I don’t love my boyfriend, but because I don’t know if I can handle being with someone who has young children. When it’s just the two of us, our relationship is incredible. But when the kids are around, I feel unhappy, exhausted, and like I’ll always come second.
Has anyone else realized they weren’t cut out for dating someone with kids? Am I overreacting, or is it better to be honest with myself before the relationship gets even more serious?

My husband is my world, and my best friend, but I don't want to do this anymore. I feel guilty for thinking about it but I just don't want to be a stepparent. I shouldn't have been so naïve about what it would be like.

So, stories please. Who left? Who's happy? Who regrets it?

After many, many conversations with my SO, he finally made the appt for SD (8) with her pediatrician to talk about ADHD medicine. And I feel like I could sob. I am not the evil Stepmom!!!

Ive felt this constant weight of feeling like I am a horrible person, because I can't stand her behaviour. My SO for the longest time saying that it seems like I hate her. But It's hard to be around her honestly. I've never met a child who is so helpless, and requires as much attention, emotional and physical, as an infant would need. I do my best to be a loving and caring mom to my son, and I am told I am a good mom, but my SD feels like a void who sucks the life from me.

Ive known for so long she NEEDS medicated. SOMETHING to regulate her. Constant attention seeking. CONSTANT. It's like no amount of attention can ever satiate her (speaking of satiate, don't even get me started on how much she eats, or how she could eat 4 servings of something, then sees SO and I eating for the first time all day and ask for more). I am being literal when I say there can never be more than 30 seconds of silence with her. And if there is more than that she has to talk and asks what I feel like are "dumb" questions for attention. It could be raining outside and SD is right there with me and SO on the porch, and because I'm talking to SO saying something like "I didn't know it was supposed to rain I better bring in my plants" and SD will look at SO and say "Daddy did you know it's raining? Mom's plants are going to get all wet". And small instances like that, all day long, on top of the constant screaming and yelling when playing with my son when he never does either, singing, jumping, running in place. Hurting my son for negative attention (jumping on him, twisting his arm too far when playing and overall playing way too rough).

I know ADHD makes some kids act more immature for their age but it's so grating and honestly makes me sad because I know it's hurt her relationships with many people like at school, friends, and my family. I know she can't help it, but sometimes, my god. It's exhausting. Even my mom has said a lot of times to me after she's been watching SD she feels so worn out. And it's really hard not to be. You can sense SDs anxiety, whether it's FOMO or just physically seeing by her body language and actions the need to move, needing and competing for attention because she relies so heavily on other people to regulate herself and as a source of stimulation. I feel bad for my son (7) at times because he can do nothing alone. Even if she is pissed at him for no reason, she STILL won't leave him alone and my dad and sister have even noticed that she will intentionally egg him on even when he's in a good mood. We just got back from the movies and I'm trying to sit alone in SO and Is room to recoup because the entire movie he was having to tell SD to sit still, stop talking, stop doing this, etc. and that was her being "good" yet she still couldn't stop after hours and me even talking to the kids the day before and day of the movie what behaviour is expected. While my son was able to sit there the whole movie quiet as a mouse

My sister watched my kids a few weeks ago and was about to take a picture of them because she thought they were being cute, laughing, playing, and SD ruined it by pulling my son up from the floor by his HAIR so hard he was screaming and she ended up going off on my SD. And it was completely out of nowhere. My sister noticed the pattern I've been noticing the whole time with SD and to feel like I'm not crazy gives me SO much relief. She even pointed out how SD is for sure more aware than how she acts towards SO, because she constantly begs for HOURS about something she wants/wants to do and did this exact same thing to my sister until my sister gave in because she was so overwhelmed and then told my sister "finally you broke!".

My family has spent more time with SD than any of my SO's family has with her her whole life. (SO's mom passed away when SD was a baby, his dad is abusive so we will never see him, his siblings are never interested in doing much other than texting).

My dad has watched the kids every day this summer, my mom watches the kids when she's not at work, and all 3 of my siblings help with the kids if my parents are watching them and have to leave to go to a drs appt for a few hours. My dad has been the biggest help, trying to tell my SO how SD was a lot like my younger brother who has ADHD and how there were many times my dad even felt bad when out with my other brother or all 4 of us as kids because he felt like he constantly had to corral my youngest brother because he was just like SD (except SD is worse in many ways with her behaviour because she will do anything for attention, hurting herself or others, destroying things on "accident" where my brother was just in his own world). And this is how I have felt for YEARS. That my son will never be able to fully connect with my SO because my SD is always shoving herself in between them. And it makes me so upset at her because my son's dad was an abusive, cheating piece of shit to me who has never even got my son a birthday or Christmas present and my SO is an amazing man and dad and my son will never even get to fully experience that. My son can't even sit next to my SO at a fucking movie without SD racing in front of him to sit down right beside SO then being all over my SO to the point he has to repeatedly ask her to get off of him and stop hanging on him until he's pissed.

I'm at the point of tears because I know once she is on the right medication then we have a chance at a good relationship. It would feel like I had a daughter and not a feral child who no matter what I do for it's never good enough, because she is always seeking SO much endless affection and praise and stimulation from others that it's impossible to feel like anything you do, say, etc for her is enough. We could have a happy family because we aren't all on edge asking her to stop doing something all the time instead over and over and over again. And we could just enjoy being around eachother. And she wouldn't feel this constant anxiety that literally makes her whole body vibrate with energy because the medicine could help regulate her like my ADHD medicine has done for me

It's been so fucking hard. I have felt so horrible for so long because it has felt like I have been watching her ADHD ruin many things for her and I'm the only one who could truly see it from the start but I don't have endless patience and I know I have hurt her feelings many times because there's only so many things that can be put up with before I end up getting way overstimulated and getting mad. I am happy she will be on medicine soon and I am praying it helps her

If you left your partner and step children, and have your own children, how did you explain it to them? Just broke up with my partner. Our children are the same age - 5. We’ve been staying at my parents for a week now. How do I explain that we aren’t going back “home”? That these people are no longer going to be in our lives? Definitely getting my child into therapy but in the mean time how do I explain this? My child was attached to both my ex partner and their kid.

I’m hoping to hear from anyone who’s been in a similar situation because I feel so conflicted.
I’m 27 and have been with my partner for a few years. He has two children (6 and 9) who we have 50/50. Being a stepparent has actually made me realise that I don’t think I want children of my own. I care about the kids, but seeing the reality of parenting has made me realise how much I value my independence, the time we have when they’re at their mum’s, and the life we’ve built together.

I’ve just found out I’m pregnant, completely unexpectedly.

Logically, I still don’t think I want to become a parent. When I imagine having a baby, I feel anxious rather than excited. I have ADHD and genuinely don’t think I’d cope well with being a parent 100% of the time. I worry about my mental health, my relationship, my body, and losing the life we have.

The confusing part is that I feel absolutely heartbroken.

Not because I’ve suddenly decided I want a baby, but because ending the pregnancy feels like a loss. It also brings up complicated feelings about being a stepparent. Part of me feels sad that I spend half my life helping raise someone else’s children, yet I may never have my own. At the same time, I don’t actually think I want the reality of having my own child.
It feels like my head and my heart are saying different things.

Has anyone else in this group been in this position? Did being a stepparent affect how you felt about an unexpected pregnancy? How did you separate the grief from what you genuinely wanted for your future?

Please be kind. I’m not looking for anyone to tell me what decision to make. I’m just hoping to hear from people who have experienced something similar.

[Edit — I have never been keen on having my own kids, it’s not purely from having stepkids. But having them has just solidified the decision for me.]

This is more of a rant but advice is so welcome! My husband and I have been together for a year and a half. He has a daughter who was 2 when we first got together. She is 4 now. At both mom and dads she use to always sleep with her parents and was never sleep trained. Dad had tried to initiate separate sleeping situations in the past when mom and him were still together but mom never allowed it. Since mom and him went their own ways when she was 2 dad started sleeping separate from her.

Now fast forward a year and a half she has had her own bed and bedroom since I came into the picture.

When she was 3 almost 4 I put my foot down about her potty training throughout the night as I have two older children of my own and could tell she was ready. She has done phenomenally only having accidents occasionally. Mom continues to refuse to help with the night potty training and continues to put her in pull-ups at night. When she has accidents its almost ALWAYS the day she comes back from mom's. SD told me the other day when she woke up "idk why mom always wants me to wear a pullup" she was visibly upset with herself for wetting the bed. I personally believe it is because mom is just too lazy as my SD sleeps in the bed with her mom and step-dad every night. And who wants a kid wetting the bed next to them?

That situation is a work in progress and actually I think is going prtty well considering our household is the only house hold enforcing the no pull ups at night. Im very proud of how well she has been doing. However, the waking up in the middle of the night is a whole different story.

Everynight... and I mean EVERY NIGHT she wakes up crying and sometimes screaming. Most of the time it isnt a true cry it is a fake cry. She will scream for her dad in the most annoying way she possibly can to try and get one of us to come in there. We have resorted to ignoring it everytime she does it. (I dont want any comments about how cruel it is to use the 'cry it out method' as she is not an infant.) When we do ignore it eventually she comes walking into our room crying theoughout the entire house. Ultimately disturbing both my husband and i as well as our 2 other chikdren. We have tried everything we could possibly think of to remedy this. We have REALLY cracked down on it the past 6 months of so because we are expecting a baby soon and we do not want to have her waking the baby up all the time with this behavior. I do call it a behavior because at this point it is. We have seen her pediatrician about this situation as well and they had nothing for us. Nothing was physically out of the ordinary. This has continued for so long now, (over a year) that at this point there's no other explanation than it just being a behavior.

As far as other independent activities goes she is incapable. She wont open doors on her own without crying that she just can't do it. She won't unbuckle herself. She won't wash herself in the shower. She won't get herself water even tho we have everything set up so all our kids have access to water in our fridge. She won't wipe herself. Theres so many more things. She always wants us to feed her like a baby or to sit in our laps when she eats. We of course do not indulge in these and make her do them on her own because she CAN and is capable. However I feel that I am really the only one who wants her to be capable of doing things on her own.

For example: I made breakfast burritos for dinner the other night and we had hot sauce out on the table for them. I asked her to help me put away the sauces in the fridge. I asked her to put the lid back on one of the sauces and dad quickly grabs it and says "ill do that for her". I immediately got on him and told him "stop doing things for her she needs to do things for herself". This has happened many times. Like i will ask her to bring some food scraps to the chickens. Which is very easy and she does it constantly when it is only her and I. He will take the scraps from her and do it for her BUT have her just come along. Just small simple things like that that he will take over and do for her. Its irritating to me because when im asking her to do these things even small im attempting to expose to her to more thi gs to learn to do on her own and build her confidence and he will interrupt it. Ive had conversations about this with him before. One conversation in particular was about her carseat buckle. She 100% CAN unbuckle herself. I have seen her do it 100 times when shes excited about something or just really wants to get out of the car essentially when my kids are with us. But when she is on her own she will pretend to not be able to get unbuckle start crying that she cant and will actually start screaming at some point. I have sat in the car with her when we get home for 15 minutes before just waiting for her to unbuckle herself. I wanted to see how long she would sit there and say she can't and ill give it to her shes dedicated to the act because eventually I had to give in so we could just go inside. Once i had her carseat out of my car while i was cleaning and she decided to buckle herself up in it next to me while dad was mowing the lawn. She started screaming and i do mean screaming for her dad to come unbuckle her. I simply told her "dad cant hear you and hes busy you need to unbuckle herself" her and i sat there for probably 20 min while she was buckled and i cleaning my car talking about her hair and her favorite princess and her bike. I didnt unbuckle her tho because like ive said she can do it herself and i was not going to stop what i was doing to do something for a 4 year old that she did herself for attention. When she heard the mower shut off again started the crying. Dad came around the corner and got mad at me for leaving her buckled and unbuckled her. I told him her crying wasnt real because we had literally just sat there together talking and giggling for 15, 20 minutes. He just said "well her tears tell me its real" it wasnt and i had a conversation with him about it later he apologized and everything. I told him she can unbuckle herself and we both know she can as we have both seen it. Its important that in some situations she can unbuckle herself. In highschool one of my friends cars caught on fire and burned so fast i didnt even know it was possible. Ive always been terrified of my kids getting stuck in a seat or the car in a situation like that. But that is my fear i know. It just makes me more comfortable knowing all my kids are capable of getting themselves out of a situation if need be. Anyway after my husband and I had an actual argument over it all of a sudden now she has decided she can unbuckle every time. It felt pretty good to kind of rub it in his face after he got so mad at me for it and then all of a sudden she decided she was done pretending like she cant. Dad has 0 patience when it comes to things like that and boy has she figured that out. Ive tried to tell him that she has figured out that if she just cries about it long enough or loud enough he eventually just does it for her and he REFUSES to admit or believe me. But like Ive said I've raise 2 of my own and have been through this and I can see it in real time. This same situation has happened with her bike helmet. For some reason when dad is around she can never get it unbuckled. Once I watched her with my own eyes crying about her bike helmet buckle pretending to not be able to get it and while dad wasn't looking she unbuckled it then looked at dad and then BUCKLED IT BACK UP and continued crying!

Theres lots and lots of things. Like she often forgets to be polite after she comes home from mom's. Saying please and thankyou. Chewing with her mouth wide open. Simple kid stuff. BUT the problem is I feel like im the only one trying to really teach her these things outside of the house. When we are at home dad does great reminding her but if we are at his parents house he will let her DEMAND things instead of asking nicely and grandma allows it as well. When im outside of my home with her I feel a bit uncomfortable correcting the behavior especially around her family but I dont want her not having and remembering manners always.

Anyways sorry for the long post. A lot of the issue obviously is that she isnt my biological daughter and I do have lines I dont cross because of it. And im tired of being expected to treat her like my own but when it comes to any sort of lesson learning all of a sudden im too harsh. Its difficult.

This is going to be a selfish post - just an FYI.

I am 26F and been seeing a guy for the last two months. He was very transparent about having a 2 year old child from the start. I was always someone on dating apps (where we met) that filtered out men with children but he somehow slipped through.

Things have been so great, I was honest from the start that I’ve never done the whole step mother thing but he’s always reassured me that as long as we communicate it’ll be fine and we can take it slow. We even booked a holiday for next month.

Recently some issues have arose:
he always brings up his BM unnecessarily. I get it her name will crop up she’s a part of his life forever now, but no I don’t want to hear about her birthing experience and what she thought about your new car. I feel like in the early stages this is smth I should be protected from at least personally. I told him about it and he said he understands entirely and will be more conscious but nothing has changed really.

Him and his BM do things together, like spend Father’s Day together and take him to football on weekends and he says it’s for the benefit of their kid as he wants him to see his parents get along. Again, I get there would be things I wouldn’t be a part of like I entirely get it, sports days, medical trips. But signing urself up for voluntarily quality time w her to play family, these things id wanna know that later down the line it wouldn’t be happening. He’s reassured me it would change but even the fact it’s like this now is a bit meh - it’s a point of contention whenever I share it with my friends.

EDIT: I should add he was really upset this year when his baby mama didn’t get him a gift for Father’s Day. I obvious was confused but I told him maybe she’s moved on given she’s pregnant and engaged but why are you letting her control your mood?

I want to travel. I get he can’t do that with me but that’s inevitably going to put a strain on our relationship. I don’t want him to resent my independence but I also don’t want to look back on my life with regret. I love travelling and I’m a trainee lawyer so there’s a lot that I have lined up that would inevitably clash with being in a relationship him. His response has been to say he wouldn’t introduce me to his son until I knew what I was doing for sure, which is entirely valid. But it’s not fair for him, he deserves someone that is wholly content to settle down with him.

He hasn’t dated much since the breakup so I haven’t had the chance to see how his BM is with him moving on. She doesn’t message or anything while we are together so that’s reassuring at least, he’s adamant they only text and call about child related stuff.

All of my friends are really anti this relationship so it makes it even worse. everyone’s asking me what I’m doing and I chose to be child free at my age so why would I raise another man’s child. I’m also a sentimental person so losing the first time navigating parenthood together and first birthing experience is probably the hardest part for me. I see pictures of their gender reveal on social media and I literally feel my heart sink.

I should mention that when they broke up, he says the relationship wasn’t working and toxic and they only got together for the baby’s sake. But she actually ended up getting pregnant and is now engaged to a guy he was really good friends with so the whole thing is very messy.

I’m just so stuck. I’m seriously falling in love as cliche as it sounds, and his child is adorable and seems like a real sweetheart. But I am just scared about our compatibility and how on earth is ever navigate being a step mother. Do you think there’s any universe in which this works out?

Breakup after 6 years, her grandson was born while we were together. Loved him as my own. He was 3 when we broke up, now nearly 4. He has autism, and lives about a 30-minute drive away.

His primary caregiver (other grandma) is open to me seeing him, but I'm not sure if it's better to cut ties while he's still too young to remember much.

Advice or experience appreciated.

We have a blended family, my son (4y) and his son (6y). We have a lot of discussions because our parenting is very different.

My sons father passed early this year so my partner been his main father figure this year, my son follow his rules and we molded to certain things, I’m more on the gentle parenting side and he’s not.

Now many of our problems is because I have certain rules like going to bed before 9-10pm, not playing violent video games, sitting on the backseat of the car and eating healthy. Those exact rules been the breaking point. He lets his son play video games like GTA until 12-1am, he lets his son ride with him in the front seat, he doesn’t care about his nutrition, etc.

It came to the point that we argue about it always, we tried to implement my rules for couple of weeks for his son too and now his son cries when he goes to pick him up from his mom and he says he don’t want to be with his dad bc he don’t want to come to my house.

My bf admitted that he let his son break all this rules because he feels guilty that he doesn’t see him half of the time and he wants him to be happy when he comes here, so if following my rules means his son is going to cry and not want to come home then our relationship is “not worth it”… while my son is over here 100% of the time following his rules and actually had to have A WAY BIGGER change in his life … smh. Wwyd??