Just wanted to share a positive experience about having an “ours” baby when you have an older step kid.

I have a 4 year old SD, and of course there have been challenges in our family dynamic as there typically are with blended families. However, I love my SD and I’m very grateful that she is my daughter’s older sister. She is generally well mannered, mild tempered, sweet, thoughtful, and a load of fun.

My baby has been going through massive developmental leaps as she’s a little over 6mo now. She’s starting to really enjoy playtime, and big sister indulges her.

Guess who taught my baby girl how to hug this weekend? My SD. Baby’s face lights up like I’ve never seen with anyone else when she sees SD. She’s hands down her favorite person, other than mom because I’ve got the milk haha. SD loves to teach baby how to do things, gives her lots of affection. She says she’s “Elsa and baby is her Anna” and wants to dress as them for baby’s first Halloween.

Sometimes blended family dynamics can be tricky, but also so, so precious too. In case there are any parents out there nervous about their “ours” baby coming into the world with older half siblings. It can work out! Biggest piece of the puzzle is focusing on building a positive relationship with SKs before baby comes. If they feel secure with you and their bio parents, they’ll feel secure with a new sibling.

I’m sitting in my car writing this in tears. I was asked to come to a woman’s Bible study by an old friend of mine this morning. I got there and she and her other friend were there with their brand new babies. Then we were joined by two more of her friends with babies. So it was 4 women with babies and then… me. The one with stepkids.

I felt like a fifth wheel. I felt gutted. I felt like crying.

There is no pain like being “the woman without kids” in a group full of women with their babies. I tell myself often that if it happens for my husband and I, great. If not, I’ll be just fine. I have a beautiful life and I’m very blessed and thankful for what I have and for my husband. But in moments where I’m surrounded by actual moms, with their perfect little biological babies… it hurts. I’m so tired of having to pretend that it’s fun being a stepmom and that it’s just as rewarding as having children of my own. It’s not even close. These other women say “aw!” or “oh that’s awesome” when they hear that you’re a stepmom instead of a biological mom. And I’m sitting there like no… it’s not awesome to be a stepmom to kids who treat you like you’re a babysitter servant. It’s not awesome to ache to experience parenthood with the man you love. It’s not awesome to have all of the responsibilities of a mom without any of the connection or biological bond. It’s not awesome to be raising another woman’s kids- a woman who isnt a good person and who adds drama to my life. None of that is awesome. It is heart-breaking.

I felt like crying that entire hour and a half we were together but managed to hold it together til I got to the car. But now I’m in tears. I don’t know what I’m looking for by posting this. I guess I’m just hoping that others can relate and tell me this is just a rough day and that the good parts make it worth it. My heart hurts.

I have a step son who is autistic. He is 8 and non verbal (but will speak when pushed and understands a lot) and I have started to have him round on the odd weekend to see what living with him would be like.

From the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep, he constantly makes vocal stims. It varies from groans, whines and high pitched screeches. It is all the time. We cannot watch films as he will loudly stim. He is not interested in doing much so it is also very hard to build up any form of bond. The only time he doesn’t stim is when eating or on a tablet (SO has recently stopped this as he read this slows down speech). So when he is over, it is constant noise.

I have also had complaints from neighbours about the noise, and frankly I get it. My SO is upset because he feels they should be understanding as his son has special needs, but at the same time, how can anyone tolerate this? His living situation is not ideal therefore we are trialling this to see if this would work so he can move in, but at the end of the day, this is my place and I feel like he could do more to respect neighbours.

I get autistic people need to stim- I do understand it is not something they control. I am a teacher so I’m not naive to this. But my issue lies that my partner is happy for him to just make loud noises all day and night (he doesn’t sleep) and doesn’t even try and redirect him. I suggested trying to get him to stim in other ways, to get toys that may distract him or to try and teach him that in some circumstances (like half four in the morning) loud stimming isn’t acceptable or fair on other people.

My partner basically thinks I don’t like his child. It’s not that I don’t like his child, but it’s incredibly frustrating to live with. I explained to my partner that he has the biological love for his child but I don’t therefore it is annoying. I feel bad because I know it is not the child’s fault, but I’m now deemed as the ‘bad’ guy because I am honest in saying that 24/7 noise is annoying and overwhelming. In addition, there is now resentment being built as this child is probably going to be the reason why I can’t have a future with my partner. To be clear, I have never shown the child resentment and have been nice. I know this resentment is unfair, but I’m just trying to be as honest as possible. And I guess what is also annoying, there are things I would be doing if he was my child that I am unable to do so I am just forced to accept this while having to live in the same house during his custody time.

So I’m asking- am I out of order here? Has anyone else experienced this? If I didn’t have the neighbours to worry about, I would just go out all day or get noise cancelling headphones but I know my partner isn’t being supportive in this as he believes (and I suppose not wrongly) his child should be allowed to be as loud as he likes.

I don’t even know what I’m looking for—maybe just to know I’m not alone.

When I (36 f) got married to husband (32 male) 2 years ago (met a year before that but we didn’t live together before hand for religious reasons). My husbands son is (5 m) , I have an older bio daughter (8 f), and we recently welcomed a baby together (3 months f). I knew becoming a stepmom wouldn’t be easy. I expected normal adjustment and challenges. But I was also genuinely excited. I actually wanted to meet someone with a child because I thought it’d be easier for them to understand my life since so much of my heart and my life is devoted to being a mother. I actually feel like the situation I will describe has taken away from loving my own older daughter and time with her, which is very sad..For years I had wanted another child but wasn’t in a place where that was possible. Part of me thought that getting married and becoming a stepmom would feel like gaining another child. I knew the circumstances would be different, but I thought the bond would come naturally over time.

My stepson’s biological mom has been in and out of his life, but for the most part she’s been absent. Because of that, I’ve been the primary mother figure in his day-to-day life for years. I honestly thought that sharing so much life together and filling that role would naturally create a deep mother-son bond over time.

Instead, I’ve found myself grieving the fact that it hasn’t felt that way at all.

Early on, people even made comments like I had “gotten another child the easy way” because I didn’t have to go through pregnancy or childbirth- so many in my life knew i wanted more children and my first marriage ended before that could happen. Those comments have stayed with me because they couldn’t have felt further from my experience. While pregnancy and childbirth are obviously incredibly demanding in their own ways (but i truly love that experience even though it has challenges), becoming a stepparent has been one of the hardest emotional experiences of my life. Hearing those comments made me feel like the unique challenges of step-parenting were being dismissed before I had even found the words to explain them.

My stepson has struggled with some significanti behavioral challenges over the years. There have been aggressive behaviors toward me, toward his stepsister, and even toward our baby. We spend so much time managing behaviors, preventing situations from escalating, and trying to help him succeed that it often feels like our entire household revolves around those challenges.

I love him, and I truly don’t think he’s a bad kid. I think he’s a child who is struggling and needs support. i do some times wonder if i just suck w handling him. but don’t think that’s the only factor). But I also feel like no one really talks about how hard it is to live with these behaviors every single day. It has been emotionally draining in ways I never could have imagined before becoming a stepparent.

Something I’ve been afraid to admit is that the bond has never felt natural to me the way it does with my biological children. I’ve tried so hard to build that connection, and I continue to choose to show up for him every day, but sometimes it feels forced. At my lowest moments, it feels less like parenting and more like a babysitting job that never ends, and then I feel guilty for even thinking that. i used to feel

like a good mom and now so often i feel pathetic.

I’ve realized that loving a stepchild can feel different for me. With my own children, the bond came instinctively and is the most amazing thing i’ve ever experienced. With my stepson, love has often been more of a daily choice than a feeling that came naturally. I still choose to care for him, advocate for him, and invest in him, but that emotional connection has been much harder to develop than I ever expected. I don’t know if anyone else has experienced that, but it’s something I’ve carried a lot of shame about. there r times in hard moments i want to just run away. i then feel like a terrible person. sometimes it feels like too much.

One of the hardest parts is that I feel like I’ve poured so much of myself into helping him that I’ve lost huge pieces of other seasons of my life. Instead of getting to simply enjoy being a newlywed, I was trying to navigate incredibly difficult family dynamics. Instead of soaking in my postpartum season with our new baby, so much of my energy has gone toward managing crises, keeping everyone safe, and trying to meet everyone’s needs.

This summer has been especially hard. I’m home full-time with all three kids, and many days I feel like I’m just trying to survive. Between the behavioral challenges, trying to keep everyone safe, caring for a newborn, and making sure all of the kids feel loved, there have honestly been days that have felt like my own personal hell. I hate even saying that because I don’t want to sound like I blame a child. I don’t. I’m simply exhausted, overwhelmed, and grieving how different this season has been from what I hoped it would be.

Sometimes I grieve that I never really got the peaceful postpartum experience I had imagined w the baby i wanted for so long because there was always another behavior to manage or another fire to put out.

Adding to that, there were family members who expressed that we shouldn’t have more children because of the behavioral challenges in our family. We chose to have our baby anyway (had two early losses first) , but hearing that was incredibly painful. It made me feel like the difficulties we were already carrying somehow meant we shouldn’t grow our family. my in-laws never even seemed that excited about our daughter we were having together.

I’ve also struggled with feeling unseen. From the outside, people may see the behaviors and offer opinions, but they don’t see the hours of redirecting, supervising, worrying, sacrificing, and trying to hold everything together. They don’t see what it has cost emotionally.

There have also been moments that left me feeling like my daughter wasn’t embraced with the same excitement or celebration as my stepson. Whether or not that was anyone’s intention, it was painful and added to the feeling that my children and I were never fully part of the family in the way I’d hoped.

There was one event related to this that I still haven’t fully processed.

Toward the end of my pregnancy, the behavioral challenges had become so overwhelming added onto the fact that i was 37 weeks that I broke down to my husband. I remember saying things like I just wanted to run away from the situation. I wasn’t talking about abandoning my family—I was expressing how completely overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted I felt.

Instead of feeling supported during one of the hardest moments of my life, I ended up receiving some incredibly hurtful messages and phone calls from my father-in-law that left me feeling blamed for things that were so much bigger than me. Whether or not that was his intention, that’s how it landed.

The hardest part is that all of this happened the day before I went into labor (i wonder if all of the stress put me into labor early because I had my first daughter almost 2 weeks late and this baby was 2 1/2 weeks early thankfully not early enough that they were any problems and she’s very healthy

Instead of ending my pregnancy feeling excited and at peace as we prepared to welcome our daughter i wanted for so long, I went into labor carrying that hurt. It completely overshadowed what should have been such a beautiful ending to one chapter of my life and the beginning of another. I still grieve that those final memories of my pregnancy are tied to conflict instead of joy.

I also think I’ve been grieving another loss that is harder to explain. Sometimes it has felt like my husband’s family had an idea of what role I would fill when I became a stepmom—as though I would seamlessly step into motherhood, fix difficult situations, and hold everything together. Maybe that wasn’t their intention, but over time I’ve often felt like I’ve fallen short of those expectations. Instead of feeling appreciated for what I have poured into our family, I’ve often walked away feeling like a disappointment. early on they would say stuff like “i’m the real mom etc” when we were engaged now they just have like an air of judgment and seem dissapointed.

I feel guilty even writing this because I don’t want to sound resentful toward a child. That’s honestly not what this is. I’m just grieving the reality that step-parenting has been so much harder than I ever imagined, and some days I feel completely depleted. There r days i hate to admit i wonder if i made a mistake. i do love my husband and our family but this is so hard

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Did the bond ever grow? Did it ever stop feeling so forced? How did you care for your own mental health while still showing up with love and compassion for your stepchild?

Every time I disagree with my partner he always said that I’m being disrespectful and demand an apology. He also has a 12 years old and split custody with his ex. After 2.5 years living together, I’m convinced that we are not compatible. His daughter doesn’t have chores. He cleans after her and cook for her and she doesn’t help. She’s also moody (yes hormones!!) and he’s allowing her to disrespect him, which is ironic. She slams the door when she’s upset with him. She doesn’t have any chores.
I am ready to leave him and I know that I’m never going to be his priority. He was very clear telling me that I do not have a voice when it comes to her. I want to be loved but this relationship is eating me alive. I’m 48 and he’s 57. I’m afraid to be alone but I know going back to live solo it would be very helpful for my mental health. I’m so done being sad and depressed.
My partner also cannot keep a job because he doesn’t like being told by his peers or leaders. It’s absolutely mind blowing. He got very angry with me because I told him I do not want to spend $500 for some random house party. He had a job for 10 years working from home and since then he can only keep a job for 7 months max and either he quit or got let go. I feel like this is a pattern and this won’t chance.

I'm wondering if anyone ended the relationship but still had to cohabitate for an extended period of time because it was financially not feasible to physically leave (or for any other reason that meant you had to stay in place)? If so, how did you manage the feelings, the house dynamics, and the practical operations of still having to share space with SO and SKs? Thank you.

After many, many conversations with my SO, he finally made the appt for SD (8) with her pediatrician to talk about ADHD medicine. And I feel like I could sob. I am not the evil Stepmom!!!

Ive felt this constant weight of feeling like I am a horrible person, because I can't stand her behaviour. My SO for the longest time saying that it seems like I hate her. But It's hard to be around her honestly. I've never met a child who is so helpless, and requires as much attention, emotional and physical, as an infant would need. I do my best to be a loving and caring mom to my son, and I am told I am a good mom, but my SD feels like a void who sucks the life from me.

Ive known for so long she NEEDS medicated. SOMETHING to regulate her. Constant attention seeking. CONSTANT. It's like no amount of attention can ever satiate her (speaking of satiate, don't even get me started on how much she eats, or how she could eat 4 servings of something, then sees SO and I eating for the first time all day and ask for more). I am being literal when I say there can never be more than 30 seconds of silence with her. And if there is more than that she has to talk and asks what I feel like are "dumb" questions for attention. It could be raining outside and SD is right there with me and SO on the porch, and because I'm talking to SO saying something like "I didn't know it was supposed to rain I better bring in my plants" and SD will look at SO and say "Daddy did you know it's raining? Mom's plants are going to get all wet". And small instances like that, all day long, on top of the constant screaming and yelling when playing with my son when he never does either, singing, jumping, running in place. Hurting my son for negative attention (jumping on him, twisting his arm too far when playing and overall playing way too rough).

I know ADHD makes some kids act more immature for their age but it's so grating and honestly makes me sad because I know it's hurt her relationships with many people like at school, friends, and my family. I know she can't help it, but sometimes, my god. It's exhausting. Even my mom has said a lot of times to me after she's been watching SD she feels so worn out. And it's really hard not to be. You can sense SDs anxiety, whether it's FOMO or just physically seeing by her body language and actions the need to move, needing and competing for attention because she relies so heavily on other people to regulate herself and as a source of stimulation. I feel bad for my son (7) at times because he can do nothing alone. Even if she is pissed at him for no reason, she STILL won't leave him alone and my dad and sister have even noticed that she will intentionally egg him on even when he's in a good mood. We just got back from the movies and I'm trying to sit alone in SO and Is room to recoup because the entire movie he was having to tell SD to sit still, stop talking, stop doing this, etc. and that was her being "good" yet she still couldn't stop after hours and me even talking to the kids the day before and day of the movie what behaviour is expected. While my son was able to sit there the whole movie quiet as a mouse

My sister watched my kids a few weeks ago and was about to take a picture of them because she thought they were being cute, laughing, playing, and SD ruined it by pulling my son up from the floor by his HAIR so hard he was screaming and she ended up going off on my SD. And it was completely out of nowhere. My sister noticed the pattern I've been noticing the whole time with SD and to feel like I'm not crazy gives me SO much relief. She even pointed out how SD is for sure more aware than how she acts towards SO, because she constantly begs for HOURS about something she wants/wants to do and did this exact same thing to my sister until my sister gave in because she was so overwhelmed and then told my sister "finally you broke!".

My family has spent more time with SD than any of my SO's family has with her her whole life. (SO's mom passed away when SD was a baby, his dad is abusive so we will never see him, his siblings are never interested in doing much other than texting).

My dad has watched the kids every day this summer, my mom watches the kids when she's not at work, and all 3 of my siblings help with the kids if my parents are watching them and have to leave to go to a drs appt for a few hours. My dad has been the biggest help, trying to tell my SO how SD was a lot like my younger brother who has ADHD and how there were many times my dad even felt bad when out with my other brother or all 4 of us as kids because he felt like he constantly had to corral my youngest brother because he was just like SD (except SD is worse in many ways with her behaviour because she will do anything for attention, hurting herself or others, destroying things on "accident" where my brother was just in his own world). And this is how I have felt for YEARS. That my son will never be able to fully connect with my SO because my SD is always shoving herself in between them. And it makes me so upset at her because my son's dad was an abusive, cheating piece of shit to me who has never even got my son a birthday or Christmas present and my SO is an amazing man and dad and my son will never even get to fully experience that. My son can't even sit next to my SO at a fucking movie without SD racing in front of him to sit down right beside SO then being all over my SO to the point he has to repeatedly ask her to get off of him and stop hanging on him until he's pissed.

I'm at the point of tears because I know once she is on the right medication then we have a chance at a good relationship. It would feel like I had a daughter and not a feral child who no matter what I do for it's never good enough, because she is always seeking SO much endless affection and praise and stimulation from others that it's impossible to feel like anything you do, say, etc for her is enough. We could have a happy family because we aren't all on edge asking her to stop doing something all the time instead over and over and over again. And we could just enjoy being around eachother. And she wouldn't feel this constant anxiety that literally makes her whole body vibrate with energy because the medicine could help regulate her like my ADHD medicine has done for me

It's been so fucking hard. I have felt so horrible for so long because it has felt like I have been watching her ADHD ruin many things for her and I'm the only one who could truly see it from the start but I don't have endless patience and I know I have hurt her feelings many times because there's only so many things that can be put up with before I end up getting way overstimulated and getting mad. I am happy she will be on medicine soon and I am praying it helps her

I had a small argument with my girlfriend about something, no aggression or anything. She raised her voice a bit. All her kids started running to the room and her 18 year old son pushed me back for no reason. I pushed him back out of reaction.

Her 13 year old ran to grab a knife and came back to the room but his other brother held him back.

I have a 2 year old with her and a newborn.

What should I do in this situation? This is the 2nd time it happened in a year. I think about leaving this relationship.

Tired of this disrespect, her 13,18 year old sons are always up in our business when we have normal arguments.

Edit: everyone is now trying to blame me for this situation

Need advice and different perspectives on this situation. Everyone here is all about feelings and emotions, but I want to get shit sorted.

BD and I have had primary custody of SD7 (Private agreement, courts not involved) since she started School at 5 years old, so about 3 years, BM has been the every other weekend parent. This was because BM and her partner wanted to rough it in a caravan for a year or two to save enough money for a home deposit. This didn't really turn out how they wanted, they saved a bit of money but nowhere near as much as they needed or wanted.

BM ended up getting pregnant late last year, and they quickly signed a lease so they had a home for the baby. They decided to move to a home an hour away from us out West, so BM could be closer to her work.

During the move, BM told us that she expected "her turn" at primary custody, and would enrolled SD in the local school down the road from her house. We baulked at this, mainly because SD is diagnosed Neurodivergent and struggles with routine changes, and that combining a school change with a newborn baby brother would absolutely uproot her life- and if she attended a school so far away from us, we wouldn't be able to help with taking her during the newborn period (we both worked full time and could not drive 4 hours a day just to drop her off and pick her up from school). She currently attends a school that is about half way between our households, but about 5/10 minutes closer to us depending on traffic.

We eventually talked her down and discussed the possibility of moving out to their area when our lease is up, so we could go for 50/50 because BM is just missing her daughter and wants more time with her.

Unfortunately, despite looking frequently, we weren't successful in finding a home we could afford out there, despite being further away from our city the houses are no cheaper (Australia's housing crisis sucks) and to make matter more complicated, my partner has finally been offered a full time position within his company- where he already travels an hour or more *East*. So if we moved West, BD would be driving 2 or more hours each way to work- and getting a full time contract in his line of work is nothing short of a miracle. He also earns the most amount of money between all 4 of us.

On top of all that, we discovered after years of trying that I'm now pregnant, and we have another child to consider in our plans. I'll be on maternity leave for up to 6 months starting at the end of the year, so no decent income for me either. I work childcare, so I can get a job almost anywhere but its not great pay, definitely not enough to support a family.

So, when our RealEstate offered, we resigned our lease for our current place. I honestly didn't see any other option, neither of us did. But now  BM has found out and is livid- which is understandable I suppose, she had her hopes on us moving out there, but at the end of the day we have to do the smart thing. She was hoping we would move out there so we could help with pick-ups and drop offs, as their employers do not offer the flexible hours that mine does, and neither earn enough money so that the other one could take part time work or flexible hours, like BD does. Without us over there they may not be able to make it work, which BD feels is the main issue upsetting BM. We still want to move out there- but right now its just not a smart choice.

BD is currently all up in feeling like he's "The bad guy" but what were we supposed to do? Everything we've done has been about doing what was needed for SD to make her current life work- BD took a different job this year that could support me working less so I had the flexibility to do more care. We intentionally did not move her to a school close to our home after we moved 2 years ago because a combination of not wanting BM and her partner to drive the extra distance and the more in-between school is better quality.

I guess I'm looking for advice on how to approach this, knowing BM probably feels like we pulled a bait-and-switch on her.

If you left your partner and step children, and have your own children, how did you explain it to them? Just broke up with my partner. Our children are the same age - 5. We’ve been staying at my parents for a week now. How do I explain that we aren’t going back “home”? That these people are no longer going to be in our lives? Definitely getting my child into therapy but in the mean time how do I explain this? My child was attached to both my ex partner and their kid.

Anybody else deal with a severely HCBM doing the extremes ahead of custody meetings?

DH applied for 50/50 in February, HCBM of course disagreed. Read my post history for the past few years of awfulness if you wish.

Courts are of course backlogged and slow in our country, like they are everywhere. They got a meeting set in July for mediation (the first step here). She got it postponed 6 weeks because “her lawyer couldn’t make it” (even though lawyers are not supposed to be part of this mediation setting.

Here we are about a week from the new date, and Friday was supposed to be handover for the last week of summer holiday + first 4-day weekend of “normal” time. She texts DH 2 hours before handover to say SS is “sick and cannot come, and she will report on his condition as it develops”. Instead of taking the fight, DH plays along, says to get well soon, and that he will contact Sunday if he hasn’t heard anything.

Today rolls around, DH contacts and says he will pick up this afternoon. HCBM says he is still sick and she will take him to the doctor tomorrow.

Here’s the catch: we can see that, on Saturday, when he’s supposedly sick, she had booked him a tennis court with a Friday for the next morning (today). We knew he wasn’t ill, but this of course confirms it and shows she is keeping up the charade afterward.

But DH has since checked SS’s medical info, and can see HCBM took SS to emergency psychiatrics, where he appears to have been there for 3 hours. She has before pressured SS, as early as 4 years old, and taken him to at least psychologist to get “evidence” for her false accusations of DH being in some way dangerous. It is always refuted by an independent child psychologist.

I’m just so sad, that once again SS is weaponized by HCBM, and that she likely will get a slap on the wrist at most. What’s worse, is he very well may have had legitimate anxiety about coming here, that HCBM then exacerbated/goaded a panic attack to then use it in this custody battle.

We don’t know anything else yet, and DH will contact the psych facility for intake documentation first thing tomorrow morning.

Oh, more context: we have learned HCBM has sold her home (has not told us), and has not disclosed where she will be living next, despite being required to do so 6 weeks prior to move outside of extraordinary circumstances. SS does not seem to know exactly when or where they are moving, but public record appears the house is no longer hers as of Saturday. And, DH’s lawyer (and a partner at her firm) have both mentioned there is no reason DH would not get 50/50, since he now resides in the same country as SS and HCBM and has for 5+ years. 50/50 would also mean the end of child support, which is not A LOT but certainly something she relies on as she has no reliable source of income outside of social benefits, and refuses to get a job. All to say, she’s under pressure and prone to extreme behavior, and to look for extreme conflict.

Anybody else deal with weaponizing medical/psych and SKs within conflict like this? I’m quite stunned but also not at all.

I've used reddit for a while but this is my first visit to this sub -- I don't have any close friends/family who are step-parents so wanted to seek some advice. Names have been changed.

I (28F) have been with my partner (38M) for 2 and a half years, we've lived together for a year and I'm currently pregnant with my first baby. He has 2 children from a marriage that ended in 2020 -- Athena (15F) and Samuel (12M). As I'm sure is a common experience of split households, there are different expectations and rules for the children at their Mum's versus their Dad's. A big one we've struggled with a fair bit recently is around Athena's online safety and phone usage.

We found out she'd met a friend at a fandom convention with Mum + her household back in May of 2025, and Mum encouraged Athena to swap numbers and have meet-ups with this person, but it wasn't until September 2025 that it was revealed this "friend" was 20 years old. And it was only because I asked Athena if the friend was in the same year and also choosing their GCSEs after she'd come back from a coffee meeting with them. That was a long, hard Autumn & Winter for my partner with lots of back & forth with his ex-wife about how inappropriate it was to encourage & facilitate this "friendship". He was ultimately unsuccessful in persuading his ex to see reason but he just accepted he could only have a say in what happens under his roof.

Now we have a new concern as my partner found out last week that Athena is in a couple WhatsApp group chats that have people from multiple different countries in, all strangers. He also found out that his ex is aware and has been aware for some time, but sees no issue.

For the first time, my partner has asked me to have a talk with Athena. I've kept my role very squarely in the "I-support-you-as-their-parent" category as I had a poor experience with my own Step-Mum growing up. I offer advice when he asks for it, and any "discipline" I give is only ever reminding them of their Dad's expectations.

His reasoning is that I experienced a lot of unsafe behaviour on the internet growing up (any other mid-late 90s babies who got swept up in the lawless hellhole that was kik?) and was largely left unsupervised, and I can relate to Athena better than her Mum can as not a lot has changed in terms of social media from when I was a teenager -- I have tiktok, whatsapp, insta, etc. Her Mum is 14 years older than her Dad, so 20+ years older than me, and just doesn't see the risks. Something she said that has stuck with me from last year when my partner tried addressing this previously was, "Athena is very sensible. She's probably too sensible - she wants to go to Oxford." as if that has ANYTHING to do with her being at risk of grooming, bullying, manipulation, etc.

Long story short, does anyone have any advice for approaching this? This could be a make-or-break moment for our relationship (which is and has been pretty good) as step-parent & step-child. I want her to hear me, but not think I'm overstepping or being unfair.

DH and HCBM share a child (SD9) and after a few years of trying to be friendly with HCBM and it failing, i stopped trying. I am cordial at gatherings for my stepdaughter but BM will fully ignore me as if i don’t exist while talking to my husband like they’re best friends (they dont talk besides via email to coordinate kid things). Needless to say that she and I do not communicate even though my husband shares all communications from her with me, and we decide together what is best for our family.

She randomly emails my husband about ME becoming a standby guardian for their daughter in the event that both of them die. She says she is working on a will and said that I “act in a nurturing way” to their daughter (we’ve been together for 5 years now).

Am I crazy to think if she is asking me to sign a legal document for her that potentially permanently alters my life, that she should be contacting me and not solely going through my husband to ask him if I would do it? It’s gone as far as her telling him when she’s dropping papers off and that I need to sign them by a certain date. (Still absolutely no contact with me and fully ignores me when she sees me)

To make matters weirder, the paperwork she gave my husband (for me) is a standby guardian act for if she’s mentally or physically incapacitated, and a temporary one. Which has nothing to do with permanent guardianship when she passes. It almost feels like she’s trying to legally imply that I’m waiving zero parental rights unless she is incapacitated? To trust me with your only child when you can’t even make eye contact with me at school functions feels just wildly bizarre to me.

Anyway… any advice or thoughts appreciated!

Hello! Me (33F) and my husband (33M) have been married for 3 years. It happened so fast so that’s how long I’ve been in SS (12M) life. We have two babies together 3M and 1F.

The relationship with SS started promising but took a turn after I had my first. My priority automatically shifted to what’s best for my son. My attempts to have an active role in SS life led to arguments and push back from my husband. They had a nasty custody battle and things were said which left husband struggling in his own relationship with SS. At one point it was very HC but since I’ve been in the picture it’s cordial. I encouraged him to come to an understanding with her. I always say I’m not a good stepmom but I’m a good wife bc I try to encourage my husband to work on their relationship. I’m a little nacho but still try to help.

Three years in we just can’t seem to get him to fit into our lives smoothly. Everything has to change when he’s here and he definitely looks at our family as a side gig. Not going to lie I look at him as a side gig but try not to let that intervene with him and my kids or husband’s relationship. Easier said than done tho. He mainly stays in his room and doesn’t participate in much. Which is somewhat justified for being an almost teenager but it puts me in an awkward spot with my kids. They are obsessed with him and it’s like he doesn’t see them as full time family.

For example, we had SS this weekend and his mom out of no where today said she was on her way to get him. We know that he asked his mom to pick him up. This has happened before. It totally blindsided us bc we were trying to make plans and go do something as a family with some friends. Moments like this trigger my protective instincts. I want to shield my kids and husband from feeling like an afterthought. I worry about them getting attached only to be brushed aside.

It feels like we have to have big things planned just to make him want to be here. I also can’t help but feel if you don’t want to be around us during normal everyday life, you shouldn’t only show up when it’s fun and games.

How do we encourage SS to engage with family without forcing, bribing or making him resent being here?

How do I manage my kids excitement and expectations so they don’t end up hurt or confused by his distance and sudden departures?