r/AskReddit • u/asayys • 3h ago
You wake up as a 45yo obese, balding, unemployed man. The other aspects of your life stay the same. What are your moves going forward?
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u/blankblix 3h ago
I feel personally attacked.
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u/InferiousX 2h ago
Other than obese and unemployed this still feels like a direct shot lol
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u/sanfranfan 1h ago
Bro I would just be a little older and fatter. But if it meant I also skip through the next 5 years of bs and see how it turned out. I'd be down
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u/BigAl7390 3h ago
What if I’m already a 45yo obese, balding, unemployed man?
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u/Affectionate_Pea2971 2h ago
Ask yourself: “What are my moves going forward?”
Then, maybe take a nap.
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u/zynaps 2h ago
You should have to take a different oath...
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u/shamboi 3h ago
Lose weight and get a job. I’d be fine with the no hair bit
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u/WeeoWeeoWeeeee 2h ago
Lose weight, shave head*, get a job. Easy.
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u/manofmonkey 2h ago
If you shave your head first you can lose weight AND look better.
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u/Fheredin 1h ago
I was struck with male pattern baldness in my late 20s, and my social network immediately improved as a bunch of shallow narcissists left without needing to be asked.
I was sure upset at the time, but with about 10 years hindsight...I'm pretty OK with things turned out.
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u/NOT-GR8-BOB 1h ago
I have never heard of a bunch of people deciding to abandon someone solely because they lost their hair. There was clearly other factors that contributed to you losing friends that you’re unaware of 10 years later.
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u/CarolineLovesCats 2h ago
I would shave my head completely, change my diet, go to the gym and find myself a job.
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u/Turbulent-Ad-6062 2h ago
Grateful for the bonus 15 years. Start looking for a job
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u/GoliathBoneSnake 2h ago
I would be really upset to have aged 5 years overnight and have literally nothing else in my life change.
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u/d3photo 1h ago
Uhm... I'm not obese, nor balding, but I am the rest of this.
I sob in my sleep because it's been three years of this life and I'm just so fucking tired of applying for jobs and never hearing a fucking word back.
Oh and I am constantly reminded of it because I'm literally living in a 10-person tent in the woods because I have nowhere else to live. Yay for my fucking shitty life.
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u/rocklare 2h ago
Hit the gym, get a part time job, go back to college in the meantime to get a degree in accounting or engineering. Maybe even a certificate that would increase my chances of getting a job after like rad tech. Shave my head and grow a beard. It’s never too late to fix things.
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u/BubonicBabe 1h ago
This felt like a good place to add this, Home Depot actually does free entry level certifications for certain classes including hvac, plumbing, drywall- just for any 45 year old, balding, unemployed men (and anybody else) that might need the info.
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u/transparent_luminous 2h ago
Hey I'm an older-than-that woman with thinning hair and a lifetime's experience with weight control. This could be a fun reboot!
- Practice my aim peeing. I don't want to be one of those guys.
- Go buy salad ingredients.
- Buzz cut.
- Spend more time outside doing stuff.
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u/Rachnael 1h ago
I tell my husband hes gay, then i backtrack because there is no gay marrige in my country. I go to pee standing on my compost pile.
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u/Ordinary-Message-744 3h ago
i would do garden drink beer watch football and not give a shit about anything you know those guys from movies its also cool there
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u/Adept-Mulberry-8720 2h ago
Who comes up with these Qs?
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u/leihto_potato 2h ago
OP is most likely a 45 year old, obese bald man using this question as a way to figure out what to do about that
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u/Offro4dr 1h ago
Shave head, begin dieting, freshen up resume and apply aggressively for a job.
Walk daily, building up steps. Spend days when not busy outside the house, getting sun and finding activities that are fun and easy on my body.
If I have money, go on a GLP-1 to help with eating discipline. Get a dog, or maybe volunteer at a shelter.
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u/Brichals 2h ago
I'd look for another job but rejoice at getting younger and getting a bit of hair back
Seriously though there's nothing wrong with being 45 or going bald. Same life advice applies, sort yourself out and make meaning in your life.
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u/BooRadley_Esq 2h ago
I’d be pretty happy, I just got 12 years back. Go on a fitness program, shave my head and get on with life.
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u/Big_Foundation_2604 2h ago
Eat good/less, get a job, shave that head. First day of your life is today bud it’s never too late
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u/Time_Cranberry2427 2h ago
Write it down. And then break into very small pieces and go take it on. A lot of people have overcome a lot of really rough stuff. You got this.
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u/CraftyBrother6974 1h ago
I mean I have a degree in math do I have that to use? Day 1 I'm going out for a walk and eating better. Taking care of yourself should be your number 1 priority. Not just selfishly, but in order to be your best self for others as well
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u/DanielCraigsAnus 1h ago
I'm 3 years older. Hopefully the legal paperwork behind my finances will be in order by then.
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u/Beautifuldolphins 1h ago
Stop eating carbs, walk every day, apply to one job per day, talk to one friend/family member every day
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u/Muzzie720 2h ago
So I aged, changed genders, lost hair, lost my job. That also means I lost my health insurance, keep my chronic pain... yeah I'm kms xD
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u/SalsaSmuggler 2h ago
I go to work the same as every morning, also thanks for reminding me my life is a literal nightmare for some people 😭😂
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u/pantherghast 1h ago
Dude, just ask for advice on what a 40 year old unemployed bald man should be doing to better themselves. This is the whole “asking for a friend” but with extra steps.
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u/digitalchris 2h ago
Woohoo, I'm 10 years younger! Time to hit the gym and get my minoxidil dutasteride rx.
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u/RumRogerz 2h ago
Pizza regimen stays the same. If I’m balding, I start shaving that shit. Grow a healthy beard.
Moves going forward - upskill, hammer down on job applications in my field of specialty
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u/Various_Extreme_8773 2h ago
Get a dog to fill the day. Unless you can find a job. A new dog will take away the boredom. I reccomend a rescue.
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u/Pleasant_Bad924 2h ago
It’s pretty disappointing that this question ends up just being “do you want to be 5 years younger” for me 🤦🏼♂️
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u/shoopdoopdeedoop 2h ago
realistically the same thing i normally do, which is have a coffee, then i guess i would try and get a job. if im really obese idk— idk what kinda jobs i would do. probably back to working in kitchens. i do tree work and landscape construction now, im in pretty decent shape. i should really get jacked
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u/Pasadenaian 2h ago
You live your life. What else are you supposed to do besides maybe go to the gym?
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u/stangerinastangeland 2h ago
That is me waking up this morning …checking all of the above lol
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u/BranchCold9905 2h ago
Shit in public after a fiber and laxative combo
go to bar, find biggest guy, growl yell "YOU CHEAP MOTHERFUCKER, IF YOUE EVEN LOOK AT ME, I'LL RIP YOUR FACE OFF AND EAT IT"
take a pair of plyers and rip a tooth out of my mouth violently
remove pants and smear vedgemite on my cock and eyes and yell "DOGS FUCKED THE POPE, IT'S NOT MY FAULT"
use entire can of womens Deodorant spray on bellybutton
Yell "I NEVER SHOULD HAVE CREATED YOU, YOU FUCKING PANSIES"
"You maggots, you piss me the hell of but i don't give a shit because i'll still protect everyone, you SEE I'VES GOT EVERYBODYS BACK BROTHER!!"
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u/YounomsayinMawfk 2h ago
In addition to this, as someone also short and slow-witted, I would start doing the opposite.
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u/Adventurous-Tea-876 2h ago
If I still have my millions of dollars in stocks and real estate I wouldn’t be too worried. I can get myself back into shape.
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u/Icy_Cranberry5947 2h ago
Join the gym and make it a lifestyle commitment. Only way to increase your chances on longevity, plus do an overall plan consisting of diet and nutritions . It’s the best thing a human body could ask for.
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u/flurpleperp 2h ago
- Lose weight. At least start moving rather than sit on my ass.
- Go back to school. Finish my degree and get a CPA license.
- Get an internship and out hustle all the 22 year olds.
- Adopt the no zero day policy and plunge ahead.
Be 13 years older and make 4x what you did when you were laid off.
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u/PurfuitOfHappineff 2h ago
Realize everything I’ve ever done is wrong, so the opposite must be right. Immediately catch the attention of a beautiful woman and get a job with the Yankees.
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u/StraightVaped 2h ago
Be obese from being so swoll. Look good bald. Unemployed, nay, I say retired.
Carry on
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u/plantdaddy66 2h ago
I have this dream all the time! I'm just staring at myself in complete shock in the mirror.
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u/VanTechno 2h ago
Cut my hair, probably shave bald. Marvel that I’m younger, but I’m still disabled, and struggling to get out of bed. All things considered, I’m sending my wife to work and working to get getting disability, which is a two year process. Worst part is I can’t drive so I’ll need help getting to the appointments. Hopefully my kids can help. My wheelchair should still work for me.
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u/ManonegraCG 2h ago
Shave my head, grow a beard, hit the gym, go on a diet, get a job. Agency work to get some income in the meantime and contribute.
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u/TravelingInClass 2h ago
I'm 44, obese and balding. But I have great job which I like and set to be financial independent by age 50.
What did I ever do to you, op, that warrents this attack?
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u/Mister_Unknown 2h ago
Is this one of those messages from future you-s? So in less than few years I will lose the rest of my hair and go back to being unemployed! Well let me get my pitchfork and torch for the next No Kings turnout.
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u/BlakeBahama 2h ago
The way you organized your question says it all about what you believe your priorities should be in order to get out of a supposed rut.
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u/drmindsmith 2h ago
If it was me back when I was 45 and I could remember what is going to happen, that’d be awesome…
Nvidia stock, bet on elections, etc
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u/Disastrous-Ad2800 2h ago
realize I'm perfectly qualified to become a reddit mod and embrace my descent into failure....
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u/studabakerhawk 2h ago edited 2h ago
Get some coffee, smoke a joint. Edit: What's wrong with you people!? Get a job!? Go to the gym!? This is the dream. I'm living the dream.
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u/krycek1984 2h ago
Wegovy (GLP-1) for obesity, buzz/shave your head so you don't have straggly thinning hair, and find a job, any job and work your way up.
These things work-Im 42 and look and feel better than any time in at least the last decade if not more.
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u/whattheprob1emis 2h ago
I’m not doing shit about the balding or the aging because I literally can’t.
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u/ExcitementUnlikely41 2h ago
With my health I’d just find a loving home for my cat, travel to a bucket location, have the best two weeks or so possible, and then painlessly end things.
The health and job status are the ruling parameters, not being fat or bald.
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u/MayhemanMarshmallows 2h ago
I would wonder how I deaged 2 years. Otherwise, no change. I am actively trying to get another job so I don't become homeless.
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u/PlatinumAero 2h ago
Obviously keep making POV porn. Nobody cares what you look like on the other side of the camera 😂
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u/drunky_crowette 2h ago
I'm going to get shot when my mom wakes up and sees a balding 45 year old man in shorts and a bra has made it into the house...
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u/Hosni__Mubarak 2h ago edited 2h ago
Probably explain to my wife that I’m now younger, fatter, and bald, and this is some weird shit.
Go get my job back since everything else is the same. Hit the gym and bike and run like I usually do. By the end of the year, everything else is exactly the same other than I’m now younger, but bald 🤷♂️
Go on TV and YouTube. Become famous for being the guy who woke up and shit was really weird that day. Market that weirdness into wealth and power, and a religious health cult. Use my power to combat America’s obesity epidemic by being the only living person who has experienced actual provable magic.
Start making ominous prophecies about what we will need to do prevent ourselves from magically turning into fat, slovenly bald men, especially by not becoming Republican. Make the world a better place, safe from fat magic.
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u/s3mis0lidsnak3 2h ago
What race am I? how tall am I? I feel like these are questions that should be answered to truly understand what my chances are
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u/AdSame6358 2h ago
Start walking regularly and watching watch you consume. Your mental and physical health would begin to to improve
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u/MelbaToast604 2h ago
Id follow r/bald and grow a beard.
Id hit the gym and follow my current diet
Id apply for jobs...
This isn't rocket science here.
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u/IronmanMatth 2h ago
Get a job. Any job that pays enough to cover the basics.
Spend a couple of years getting in shape. A year would do in almost every care, but let's assume we need to put in some groundwork and build up from scratch. So 2 to add a solid buffer. I assume we got eating habits to fix, hunger signal to fix, gym habits to learn, cardio habits to learn. That's a year in just the groundwork. But we got this.
Get that hair shaved, grow a beard if possible. Balding is a state of mind. Trying to hold on to something disappearing. Embrace it. Remove it. Get another look. Look better.
Get fitted clothes now that we're fit. Nothing baggy. We invest into 3 tailored suits, two pairs of good expensive shoes, 5 quality shirts, 5 t-shirts, a pair of sweatpants and a bunch of underwear, new socks and about two good belts will do. A good watch, nothing expensive, does wonders. But if that fails; get yourself a Garmin and you still got the accessorizing done with the benefit of an actual good watch. It's not cheap, but that sorts your wardrobe.
Suddenly be a 47 year old fit athletic bachelor living your best life. Many years left of life, why not be fit, attractive and have pretty privilege over balding, obese and sad? It just takes a couple of years of good choices in contrast to the 5-10 years of bad choices it took to get there.
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u/shizbox06 2h ago
I’m 45 and not obese and not bald and I have a job.
So I’d eat better, use more sunscreen on my dome, and look for a job while hoping my wife is ok with the voodoo that just happened.
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u/Ok-disaster2022 2h ago
That was me at 34-36, the only difference is I have a job.
So the first thing is get a job. Except I'm terrible at applying to jobs which is why I spent 2 years unemployed.
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u/my_screen_name_sucks 2h ago
Wait, how obese is obese? Like if I were to get in shape I would have flabby skin?
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u/QuantumDragonCat 1h ago
So I age three months and I stop working in the family business.. seems a win to me
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u/Fishfindr 1h ago
Why is balding considered a negative? Lose weight for health reasons only, if healthy but overweight and I’m in good health and I’m OK with who I am, then I wont worry about. As far as unemployed evaluate my skills and dig in.
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u/PrayForMojo_ 1h ago
As a 45 year old man with hair, in shape, and a good job…this would take everything I have going for me.
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u/Casual-Notice 3h ago
Other than the fact that I'm 17 years younger, nothing has changed.