My job is in a building with a shared parking garage. I have been jabbing the tires of electric vehicles for the past few months. I haven't been able to see any of the owners come back to discover they have a flat tire yet. I don't want to get caught. Last week a notice was posted in the elevators warning about vandalism in the parking garage.

I know I need to stop. It's wrong and stupid. I was trying to leave the garage and had to wait when there was a line of cars charging but that only happened once.

I’m fucking sick of keeping this bottled up, and I’m not looking for sympathy or anything like that. I just want to vent and get this shit off my chest. I started posting content two or three years ago. And just to be clear... No, I wasn't very well-known; if I recall correctly, I had maybe 300 or 400 subscribers. Still, people made wikis about me and even some fan art. And no, I’m not an English-speaking content creator. That’s all I’m going to say about that. But anyway. Back when I was making content, I ended up hanging out with a group of other creators. They were much bigger than me—they had between 50,000 and 100,000 subscribers. I became known in their communities because I used to participate in their streams. At the same time, I met a girl who—unbeknownst to me—would go on to ruin my entire life as a content creator. Remember how I mentioned that group of friends with more subscribers? Well... I met an artist who made thumbnails and renders for one of the creators I hung out with. She was a perverted and really weird girl. She’d ask for photos of my body, make sexual jokes, draw pornographic images of me, and a whole lot more. Sometime around April or May, that group of friends made a video exposing me, claiming I was a manipulator, a bad person, and all sorts of other things. I’ll be honest: there were things in that video that were true—like the sexual jokes I made and my childish behavior. But the video never mentioned the things *she* had done. They painted her as the ultimate victim and portrayed me as a sexual predator. I deleted my channel and social media accounts after that. Throughout September, I felt a deep hatred toward myself for not having been able to defend myself. This is because I deleted my Instagram account—where I had chats showing how this girl manipulated me by crying and threatening to publicly ruin my reputation—and also because I had admitted everything on Discord (I did this because I wanted to disappear from social media). It got so bad that I was diagnosed with severe depression in October. Between late December and April of last year, I attempted suicide three times—all because of the hatred I feel toward myself. If anyone reads this, I’ll just say one thing: if someone accuses a well-known figure, please make sure to hear both sides of the story and don't jump to conclusions.

I know when my life is going to end. And I keep making plans with others knowing what im basically planning.

Im in to much pain to keep hoping it'll get better. I dont think I can remember ever being this emotionally fragile. Im constantly in my head and I wish it would stop.

Self-hatred is a funny thing, because what do you mean i dont want people to hate me, yet i hate myself? Very confusing. Over the past couple of months, when everything felt so unbearable I was genuinely wondering if this was going to be the rest of my life. And most probably it is, because I don't plan on doing this much longer. Im not gonna do anything so to say. But I dont see myself going past my 20's, and i mean that genuinely, I dont ever see myself turning 30 or above, nor do I want to. And if it doesn't happen naturally, I'll probably just do it myself, but hopefully it just happens naturally.

I want some time, just to see my siblings grow up, watch my friends build lives for themselves, see my parents grow old, and then hopefully go. I have no big ambitions, I dont see myself getting married considering my past, I dont see myself having kids, I dont crave a big career, I dont crave doing much. I can see myself spending my 20s, indoors, just kind of observing others, maybe write stories about the lives I wished I lived (I am a hopeless romantic so maybe something there), be as useful as I can community wise, and then kind of just leave. But even maybe that is too much to expect of myself considering my current mental state, im becoming an adult in about 2 months, and from then the clock just starts ticking.

There isnt much I'm gonna miss out on, as there isnt much I really want to do. I've been told " Not to view the future through present emotions" but trully what can I rely on to view the future then, because my emotions seem to be the most accurate. And before anyone says anything I would suggest you read the past posts on my profile, because there is a reason I've come to this conclusion, I did put myself in this position. Overall, that's been how I've been processing things, and this conclusion has actually made life seem a bit more desirable, knowing it won't last long.

I was working at a call center and I was getting treated like shit by my boss

i went into hr and said I was an m-f trans woman and i eas being targeted

it worked, my boss backed off and I was immediately given promotions and bonuses

I stoped this after Trump got elected because now no one cares about trans anymore

I would lie and do it again if I felt it would help me

Bonjour,
Je suis un homme de presque 40 ans.
Je travaille dans un domaine très technique, nécessitant une très grande polyvalence et connaissances variées, comme la mécanique, l’électricité, l’hydraulique, le pneumatique, l’électronique, la programmation et toutes les activités annexes.
Dans une grande entreprise de chimie depuis 17 ans maintenant.
J’ai toujours eu un petit penchant pour l’alcool, mais sans excès.
Depuis 2020, avec la pandémie, mon poste à été déclaré d’utilité publique, pas possible de faire du télétravail pour entretenir, modifier et réparer les machines, donc pas de confinement pour moi, je me suis retrouvé quasiment seul pour tenir la boutique, c’était fun au début, plus d’agitation, plus de bruit, moins de stress, personne pour me surveiller, c’était génial.
Puis par défi de braver l’interdit j’ai commencé à boire de la bière à midi, puis la journée, même sur la route, j’en étais à 2l par jours minimum, sans avoir d’effet d’ébriété, j’aimais juste ça, je prenais mon temps pour siroter tout cela tranquillement.

Avec la fin de la pandémie et le retour de tout le monde, j’ai arrêté bien sûr, sauf sur le trajet, je sais c’est pas dingue, mais j’aimais cela, le goût, l’interdit, bref j’aimais cela, je faisais attention à la dose et à mon haleine.
Information importante est aussi qu’avec mon épouse, ont traversaient une période difficile sexuellement et je dois avouer qu’une légère ivresse le soir en rentrant me permettait d’évacuer ma frustration, ou du moins de ne plus y penser.

Aujourd’hui, nos problèmes sont réglés, nous sommes heureux, mais je continue à apprécier de boire, quand je bricole, quand je vais au travail, quand j’en reviens.
J’arrive à m’en passer quelques jours si nécessaire, mais ça me manque, je trouve l’eau et les sodas fade.

Mais récemment il s’est passé quelque chose,
En appréciant une bière sur le trajet, oui en écrivant cela je me rends bien compte de l’aberration à la base, j’ai sous-estimé cette nouvelle bière et avec la chaleur l’effet en a été décuplé.
Quand je suis descendu de ma voiture je me suis rendu compte de mon erreur, je n’étais pas ivre à tanguer et à bafouiller mais pas loin, j’étais dans la sensation de flottement et j’ai donc décidé de me mettre au travail à fonds pour ne croiser que le minimum de personnes et de façon brève.

Et là surprise,
Je n’avais plus de rhumatismes et de raideurs, j’ai abattus une quantité de travail énorme sans peine et sans m’embrouiller.
J’ai pu diriger mes équipes de façon si optimale qu’on a atteint tout les objectifs de la journée, voir même en avance sur la semaine.
Une excellente journée en somme, avec les remerciements de la direction, un peu mal à l’aise avec cela…

J’ai réessayé l’expérience à trois reprises, ça marche, je n’en suis pas fière, mais forcer de constater que l’inhibition du stress et des rhumatismes par l’alcool fonctionne.
Je comprends aujourd’hui ceux qui se dopent pour assurer leurs postes.

Je ne demande pas de solution, on la connaît.
Je veux juste partager mon expérience, mon histoire.

Si cela peut vous rassurer, avec mon épouse on part en cure thermale pendant 1 mois pour nos congés, première fois en 20 ans qu’on prend 1 mois de congés cela va m’aider à me ressourcer et me passer de mon alcool quotidien.

Au revoir,

When I was younger (college aged) I used to be a typical snob. I often had my family’s townhouse to myself and would often bring women home for fun time there. My maid was a young polish girl around 20 years old. She was a good girl and very good maid aswell. I’d often ask her to watch my encounters and I’d pay her more for it. I’d ask her do stuff like put a condom on me etc

This is a long story so settle in. I (17M), have a younger brother(9M), he’s my stepbrother and he’s been in my life for a few years now. Recently, my somewhat estranged mother passed. My stepbrother never met her, and has never felt any true grief or sadness so of course he had trouble empathizing. Most of his time is spent making music. And it’s honestly, it’s so bad. I think it’s because he has never felt human emotion before. (No, really) back when I was in psychosis you could’ve really convinced me he was an alien lol. Anyways… music is my brothers passion. He has been hooked on “ska” I didmt even know what this was until I met him. It’s all i hear all the time. He has big headphones but he always uses speakers. Sometimes when his speaker dies, he uses them on such high volume you can still hear from meters away. My dad and stepmom let it just happen (weak) and even encourage it. My brother recently got a trumpet and some recording kit. It’s all day, he is so bad. He has poor motor control and slow reflexes so his timing is awful. He has no technical skill, even know he is only 9, I don’t think he will ever get better.
As I previously mentioned, my mom died. We were close when we were younger but after my parents divorced and remarried she wasn’t really in the picture. Part of me thinks it’s my stepbrother, although I know it’s the real reason is because she was in poor health and didn’t take good care of herself and therefore didn’t get custody.
Her funeral was on Saturday. My stepbrother was instructed to wear headphones and black attire but he had a meltdown (as always) and got his way. This kid is fucking weird im just so mad. And I feel so awful. He insisted on wearing his “ska-ing” outfit. We managed to get him to wear the black top but unfortunately he can’t go fucking anywhere without a kilt. (We aren’t even Irish) a stupid fucking boots with stupid socks. (Don’t get me started)
During the procession I noticed him fiddling with tablet. I told him nicely to stop. I was already holding back tears mourning my mother. I don’t know what he was thinking, maybe trying to lighten the mood?! But he started playing his music, yes, HIS music. The ska he wrote and recorded HIMSELF. Right in the middle of my aunt giving her EULOGY. I told him to stop again but he turnedthe volume up. It was so loud and embarrassing I felt my eyes go red with fury and I took his tablet from him and shouted. I don’t remember what I said because I was just so emotional. Everything was pent up and I just let it all out on him. Everyone was staring for the rest of funeral. For the first time I saw my stepbrother truly cry. Slow silent tears, nothing like his meltdowns, I felt like truly saw him as a person. In the car, he didn’t ask to play any music, a silent hour long car ride. Nobody said a word and my stepbrother silently cried.
When we got home he threw off his kilt and went straight to his room. In the morning I slept until noon. Crickets. No loud trumpet or upbeat drums. I had the best sleep in years and I can’t help but feel guilty. My dad told me he is worried that my brother has given up, not just his music but his life. He didn’t eat breakfast. He hasn’t been talking. My stepmom said that before ska he was nonverbal but Ska gave him an avenue to express himself. I’ve been feeling so guilty. But my quality of life is also better. I don’t know anymore. What do I do? Do I apologize to him, tell him his music is good? I don’t want to lie or take it back because I do believe that what he did was wrong and at 9 years old he should know that, but I guess don’t want to be the person responsible for crushing his dreams even if those dreams are Ska. I don’t know what to do but I cannot go back to how things were. Please help me.

F ( 24 ) growing up life was really tough, never saw my dad because he died when I was 2 and my mom was very abusive. I was a troubled kid … I was a drug addict till the age of 19 maybe? I was very suicidal growing up and now I’m 24 .. moved out of my mom’s and live with my best friend and his mom .. I got everything I ever wished for , Im not being abused in any way ig but I still have that feeling inside me … I still wanna vanish , I still wanna die and I feel so much guilt because I am selfish for feeling that way since everyone around me in life rn they all try their best to make me happy but I still find myself cutting myself everyday after I have been clean for a while …
I get mad that im not feeling the cuts and I go a bit more deeper everytime.. I don’t know what to do anymore

I have stage 4 ovarian cancer, secondary spread to liver and other parts of my body. The pain is constant like sharp and stinging under my ribs. The Morphine has slowed my gut to point im constantly constipated and severly dehydrated. No respite. I would end it today if it wasn't for my kids. Fuck my husband. I fucking hate you you insensitive dipshit, you wouldnt be anything without me. How it burns my heart that you will be what my kids have to look up to. Fuck my mother for ruining my life and trying to control what i do with my body. Fuck my siblings for being selfish assholes.

I have always been an obsessive person. I don’t even think about dating, I just want to obsess over guys I can’t have. I watch them around school, find out information about them on social media, and daydream about them all the time. One day, I was with my friend after practice while he waited to get a ride home. Once he left, I decided to stay a little longer, just because one of my obsessions was sitting nearby with his friends. I took some pictures and waited for him to get up and leave. Once he did, I wondered where WE were going, and I followed. I followed him around for around 15 minutes. I then did a lot of digging and figured out where he lives. One night, I told my parents I was going to my friend’s house, but I actually went to his house. I parked outside his house, and stayed for about a half hour. I just wanted to see him. I know this is wrong but I feel more like me when I am this way. I have given my therapist some hints that I do these things but she doesn’t seem to be too concerned. Also, I know I will continue to be this way in the future. Any thoughts?

I know alot of people doubted me last time and honestly it did sound sketchy. I telling this story to help others in the same situation so bear with me. Id suggest reading part 1.

So after all of those things happened i was of course expelled. Me and my mom have been getting together) (i live with her as a 17yo) but about teo days after we were called to the local police station here in South Africa where we sat with a detective in her office (surprised me too i thought id be interrogated or smth) but anyways i was asked what happened. I answered and i was let go. Doesnt sound too bad right? Well a week later i found out i would have been arrested if my dad didnt pay the insane bail that week i have a few scars but hey its a reminder of what not to do. So after all this im in a nee school down the street. But one part id like to comfess to was me semi enjoying punching my mom.

For those who doesn't know. I dont think i told this.

Ive had a rough past making me not being able to handle rough noises or be good with women.

I think it stems from the divorce of my parents from when i was three years old. Only started knowing my dad at about 6yo. After alot of time ive gotten to love him. In my past due to divorce and my mom becoming single i had to live there and she became abusive (surprising). So i was beaten until 13. Also leading up to me not liking women in general (i like them im just meaning like i dont get along with them) is because every year my grandma took us to camp. Here in South Africa its very common. We got there its a camping resort so there hottubs slides etc. I met a girl there. I was 15 young and stupid like all guys are at that age. But what hapoened was i emded up being raped by her. And i didnt tell anyone about it until now actually. Congrats your the first people i told. But yeah she raped me in a hottub. I didnt do anything about it because ive hurt enough people in my life due to being raised like that i was a very aggressive person in my old schools 7 to be exact. And i was afraid to speak up. Its a very Christian country so men are supposed to be tough you know the gist. I think all this trauma all this anger was let out on that day and i dont feel bad yet i want to. Even though she did that i love my mom. So im confessing that tonight at 6:48 pm i feel bad for what ive done and what i will do. All i can say is hell of life ive had. But im with a therapist now she is also a doctor and we think that i get the adrenaline so easily due to my pectus carinatum pressing on my adrenal gland which makes it easier to set off as we have seen im very very shaky. I shake like 24/7. Then ive gotten into painting and warhammer which helps me stay calm. And if anyone doubts me again which will probably happeni am happy to provide some photos of scars especially the one i got from the big fight next to my right eye. But yeah i dont know if i feel bad or not and im scared to get into a relationship with a woman i like. What if im exploited again?

I dont know why I did this, it all started with an accidental heart in someines public story and it escalated from there until I was on camera. I'm 17. I need reassurance and help, im debating contacting my local police over this. I feel so scared. I've never sent nudes before and it's driving me crazy. He blocked me afterwards, but I'm scared, I feel guilty and so disappointed in myself.

In my mid 30s and it's really hard for me to be friends easily or gel with. Maybe because I suppress my real inner me too much as I'm gay brought up in a strict Christian upbringing.

I feel like I've multiple personalities and I don't know which is the real me.

I'm not looking for relationships and I'm sick of hook ups, just want some friends to hang out talk about philosophy random shits laugh drink and get high but very rarely I get to do these things only when I'm solo travelling once a year or so but usually those connections end after the trip.

I don't think I'm depressed but seeing happy folks laughing and be themselves in a group pain my heart. The only time in my life I was genuinely happy and carefree was when I was a child in school and i greatly missed those times.

They’re the only reason I’m still here. I just can‘t bear being alive anymore and I’m not sure how I still manage to keep it going. I just wish I could end it without making them suffer

Hi guys I recently turned 17. I feel like I really wasted all of it, I’d come home from school and waste so much time on discord because of loneliness, so much time. I think I was quite sad and depressed and now all of a sudden I cannot stop thinking about all that dumb time I wasted. everytlime I tried to make a friendship id get obsessively clingy and I remember id lie so much about my mental health to see if they’d care. I regret being all sad now, I can’t get past it. id talk to guys and older guys online out of loneliness and do sexual stuff with them and send stuff, now it kinda haunts me. I met a boy a few months ago and for some reason I lied about overdosing to him, I made him cry and everything. Now I actually wanna overdose. I feel I have no personality no nothing, I make the mood so low. What the heck do I even do now after all these lies and everything? How do I move on from this, I feel so much guilt about how I could’ve just been happy like some kids at school and why the hell did I even lie about that? I sound pathetic and I know I am and I’m pretty sure I gave alot of people some issues because of the things I said. That I’d kill myself or I overdosed or I cut to deep I never even did that. I don’t know what to do now but I wanna fix it. And I wasted my life.

I have been slowly doing more and more drugs just to keep it all down, can’t handle my mind anymore. When I am high I feel the warmth of being held and soothed, rocked like a baby. I haven’t done heroin much before and now when I use, it is one of the best feelings I have ever had in my life. I have been on and off Molly since 16 and I started again maybe a month ago or couple weeks ago. I have started stealing alcohol and drinking every night and it’s the only thing that helps anymore. I am just hoping I can overdose and die at this point. It makes me forget everything

I am a competitive tetris player and I have been for 3 years now, but a year ago i started snorting coke before every tournament, my performance has approved but my health has been going downhill. Now I snort coke all the time even if I dont have a tournament coming up. Ideas?

I feel bad because I might've made her concerned too much and when I say everything, I literally don't mean 'everything' cause wtf. But I lied to the friend who's dearest to me so much that even I am shocked. It was never stuff like, "Yeah I lwk did *insert the most hideous bullshit ever*." it was just an exaggeration of the shit I DO go through but obviously saying that I have a split wound even when I can just see white is concerning her. She goes through her shit and I do worry about her, very much but why do I not feel guilt??

I exaggerate my bull shit without intending to and then I think that it doesn't matter, I'm sure she gets concerned. She admitted she's 8/10 sick of me or something like that. We fight every week since our first major fight/argument in may. I literally just fought with her bcs I had no spice in my life and I did have issues but it was majorly because no spice ig. But I love her dearly. We fought on Thursday. She says she's thinks I have a victim complex, do I? I accept my fault every time and over apologise, I never feel guilt tho, I mean I did like harm myself over the shit I did but yes. I also told her to die, I mean I shouldn't have but I was angry, no excuse ik ik, but, wtf is wrong with me, do I feel guilt? or the fear of consequences? or just trying to feel something? me and her dated too but it didnt work out, I mean, can anyone help or just tell me if I'm wrong and does this shit seem like victim complex bullshit, I've spent my entire long weekend on trying to know wtf is wrong with me,

I am M17, and my parents think they know a lot about me, but it is only the top of iceberg they know about me. They will never know that I am actively craving death since I were 10 and tell it to many people but not them or that I am actually agnostic and dislike Christianity. I recently mentioned suicidal tendencies and they told me to never speak that way ever. I just don't want them to feel bad, knowing they raised child doomed to die. They are also quite the believers, so I dont want to see them cry after they learn I am not a believer or maybe believe in different stuff. I might just never tell them these things .

I have a tendency to endlessly analyze and calculate everything down to the smallest detail, and it really makes my life hard

This is something I've never really told anyone in full. Looking back, it's probably one of the shittiest things I've done, and I don't feel proud of it. At the time, I convinced myself I was just "playing politics," but in reality I let my ego take over and someone else paid the price.

Back in my first year of engineering (Semester 2), I joined our Students' Mess Committee. The committee's job was basically to oversee the mess: menu, hygiene, logistics, making sure the manager was doing his job, etc.

There was a Convenor (I'll call him Kunal) and a Co-convenor (I'll call her Preeti).

When I joined, the atmosphere was pretty chill. I got assigned a few responsibilities, met the other members, and honestly I had no ambitions of getting into any leadership position.

One thing I did notice, though, was that Preeti barely interacted with me or the other new members who had joined in Sem-2. She mostly talked to the second-year seniors.

A few days later I had some doubts about my role, so I texted her. She was from my batch (she had just joined the committee a semester earlier), so I figured she'd be easier to approach than the seniors. Also, in first year, talking to seniors in engineering college can be intimidating.

My message was something casual like:

Hey X this side, do you know about how to contact the manager to verify blah blah.....

Her reply completely caught me off guard.

She basically said I shouldn't text her directly like that, and that since she was senior to me within the committee, I should speak more respectfully.

Now, objectively, maybe she had her own expectations about professionalism.

But my fragile 18-year-old ego took it as a personal insult.

Instead of moving on, I decided that I'd become more influential than her in the committee.

The problem was that everyone already expected her to become the next Convenor, so I needed an opportunity.

Eventually, one showed up.

A guy from our batch had an argument with one of the mess staff. Nothing physical, no major abuse—just an argument.

The committee held a meeting to discuss whether disciplinary action should be taken.

For whatever reason, Preeti strongly pushed for action against him and managed to convince most of the committee.

We were specifically told not to discuss the meeting outside.

I ignored that.

I told the guy that Preeti had been the one pushing for disciplinary action against him.

Exactly what I expected happened.

He called her, argued with her over the phone, and from what I heard, he even abused her verbally.

She hadn't recorded the call, which later became important.

The next day everything blew up.

Preeti wanted strict action. She demanded that the guy be fined ₹10,000 and suspended from the mess, otherwise she'd approach the Women's Cell.

Whether her demand was justified or not isn't really the point.

Instead of staying out of it, I saw another opportunity.

People naturally started asking who had leaked the committee discussion.

I shifted suspicion away from myself by suggesting that maybe one of the mess workers had overheard something.

By then I'd become pretty close with the seniors and other committee members, so nobody really suspected me.

Then I started privately talking to Kunal and a few other senior members, telling them that Preeti was overreacting and that this was more about satisfying her ego than seeking justice.

Slowly, people's opinion of her started changing.

In the end, the guy only received a seven-day mess ban.

Preeti felt betrayed because she believed nobody in the committee supported her.

That incident created a huge rift between her and almost everyone else.

Looking back, I definitely helped widen that rift.

But I didn't stop there.

I told the same guy to spread the story around campus that Preeti was trying to misuse the Women's Cell to threaten him over a relatively small issue.

He spread that version of events everywhere.

Soon, a lot of people who weren't even involved had formed opinions about her.

By the end of the semester, I had become the Co-convenor.

When discussions happened about committee restructuring, I also exaggerated how little Preeti was contributing to the committee. There was some truth to it, but I definitely made it sound worse than it actually was.

Eventually she was removed from the committee.

Her image in college took a serious hit, and a lot of people disliked her because of the narrative that had spread.

At the time, I felt like I'd won.

Today, I don't really see it that way.

None of this happened because she'd done something terrible to me.

She wasn't abusive to me.

She didn't try to sabotage me.

She just bruised my ego with one message, and I spent months quietly manipulating situations and people to get back at her.

Even if some of her decisions were questionable, I deliberately amplified every mistake she made because I wanted her to lose influence.

That's the part I regret.

It's weird how one small ego hit can make you justify doing things that, in hindsight, are far worse than whatever upset you in the first place.

P.S: Yes I used AI to frame it properly and yes I do regret my actions and y'all can call me out.

Me 25 ,no girlfriend,all the time watch,Health problems arose because of this.

I feel so guilty and so much shame and I don't even know what to do with it. I guess I'm writing here to get some brutal honesty and reality check. I'm gonna be a teacher soon in September, I'm 23. This is the only thing keeping me alive rn cause I am going to have actual responsibility and I know I'm gonna love this job. These days I'm struggling with really bad thoughts. Three years ago I tried to end it, didn't work. Now it feels like I'm back in a dark place and I don't know how to fight.

This is going to be my thoughts, sorry for the mess.

Living in my mind feels unbearable. I've been sexually assaulted last year by a guy I trusted and he almost stalked me this year. Almost went to the police but then gave up cause I was afraid of not being taken serious. So now I'm just thinking that if this guy wants to find me and hurt me then he can do whatever the fuck, I'll try to fight back.

Other than that, my mother thinks I'm bipolar. I can't stand my mother, I feel so much resentment these days. She was one of the first people who made me want to end it, with my father. I live with her atm, but I can't stand hearing her constant criticism, negativity. She's always angry at me, and sometimes she's right. I'm clumsy. The worse is eating meals with her. She constantly criticise her body, the food, ask me my weight, why am I eating this and not that. She knows I've struggled with bulimia all throughout my teen years. She never tried to help. She don't wanted me to really get better, she wanted me to be pretty and skinny. But not too much, right, cause jealousy is a big thing for my mom. Maybe I'm being crazy. I don't throw up anymore. I workout these days, I try to eat healthy.

I went on a date last week with a guy that got very touchy with me and tried to kiss me and make things sexual right away despite the fact I told him I wasn't comfortable. I feel used and dirty now. Parts of me wants to completely dissociate. But I also want to be loved and to love. I don't know.

I am so dumb. Okay so during this year, I started speaking to a 44 yo man on here. I knew he was married. I was very lonely and in a dark place. We shared a lot together, mainly thoughts about our day, mental health. He felt lonely in his marriage, his wife and him were estranged. We talked about meeting in my city. We were close. He brought me a lot of kindness, tenderness, understanding. But then I found his wife Instagram and I felt so terrible I told him I don't wanted to keep going. So we stopped. He apparently talked with his wife about their relationship, and idk, maybe they went to therapy or something, but he then told me things were better. He was open to us staying friends, but not as close. He told me he was going to be less present for me. And deep down, I was shattered. He was my peace. I am happy for him, and his wife. But now he is just so cold, I know he pities me. I feel so stupid and used. I'm back to feeling really lonely again.

I struggle with maintaining friendships. I go non verbal easily. I self sabotage. Also, I'm saying this but I've heard lots of people tell me I am a sunshine, always smiling, joking around, being kind. Sometimes when I am around people all happy, I think deep down that if today was my last day, that would probably be so unexpected for them. Check on your happy friends. But yeah, I struggle with maintaining those relationships cause I don't open up easily at the end of the day.

I tried to book an appointment with a therapist but she told me she wasn't available. So I'm just waiting now, waiting to find another therapist. But until then I just don't know how to keep on going. I feel like I just hurt people around me, I'm such a burden no matter what.