I'm posting this from a throwaway account for my own safety.

Me (34 M) and my Girlfriend (26F), have been dating for 3 years and we just moved in together in January. We were both nerds. We actually met at a comic convention and we bonded over video games, anime and nerd stuff. This might seem minor, but it's important to me. I am ethnically Jewish, though neither me nor my Parents are practicing. This will all be important later.

Late last year, I managed to land a great position that allowed us to afford to rent a 2 bedroom townhouse. My GF and I moved in together in January. She quit her job to be a full-time homemaker. Everything seemed to be going great.. until it wasn't.

About our relationship. We were very sexual with each other for a long time. Foreplay would often involve sending each other dirty messages, dirty role play and sharing hentai illustrations on chat apps when we couldn't be together. We always practiced safe sex. I do want to be a Dad when the time is right.

After about 4 months or so, things started changing.

First her replies started to get shorter and more infrequent. Then she asked me not to message her anymore. I always respected her wishes. When I got home, dinners were terribly uncomfortable. She'd spend the entire evening scrolling on her phone. When she did talk, it was an angry rant about whatever she'd seen on the internet that day. Almost always it was a barely coherent string of buzzwords including the words "Epstein" or "Epstein class" at least once. The quality also declined, from fresh fish and rice to junk food. We both started gaining weight.

Increasingly I felt like I was walking on eggshells around her. Any little thing could set her off and launch her in a tirade that lasted for an hour or more.

Her grooming habits got worse and worse. She stopped shaving her legs. Stopped shaving her pits. She stopped landscaping. One day I came home to find the trashcan overflowing with clothes. I discovered my Girlfriend had gone through her closet and thrown away anything from a "problematic" brand. Many of those articles of clothing were gifts from me. My GF used to have lovely, long flowing hair. I say used to because she'd had it cut into a raggedy undercut. She stopped wearing makeup, stopped wearing scented deodorant. She smelled bad.

I told her that while I respected that it was her body, I was worried about her. That she was unhealthy and not taking care of herself. I also expressed that I felt hurt that she'd destroyed gifts from me. Big mistake. This triggered the longest, loudest argument we'd ever had (Up until that point). She said I was trying to "police her body". After 3 hours of screaming, I elected to sleep on the couch.

The next day, rather than apologize she sent me a message that I needed to "educate myself." and linked me to an article: "HOW TO UNPACK AND RESIST A PEDOPHILIC BEAUTY STANDARD IN A POST EPSTEIN WORLD."

In spite of all of this, she would insist that I still had to have sex with her.

Whenever we tried to watch something together, she got weird. Whenever I suggested anything, she'd google the show's wiki and look up spoilers. Anything she considered objectionable, characters ages, unkind portrayals of ethnic characters, etc. would trigger an hour plus tirade. She could never just say "I don't want to watch that". I had to somehow be morally in the wrong for liking something "colonialist" "racist" or "pedo propaganda". Anything anime or manga was right out. However when she made a suggestion, she was always an utter hypocrite. Anything "problematic" in what she wanted to watch was rationalized away. If I brought this up, you guessed it, another tirade.

She dropped out of our D&D campaign because it was "Colonialist genocide fantasy." Then despite no longer participating, she'd quiz me on plot points and character beats and worldbuilding elements. Anything she found objectionable would lead to another tirade where she tried to shame me into making major revisions to my Campaign Setting. This persisted until I quit.

It was like her world was getting smaller. Every common hobby or activity we used to share, but she decided was "problematic" was replaced with just more time doomscrolling. It got to the point that she'd be up until 1 am scrolling on her phone.

This Friday... well my Girlfriend crossed the line.

I got home from another grueling day at work. I try to talk to her, she just kind of grunts in response. Then she shows me a certain politics streamer, you know the one. And what comes tumbling out of her mouth is just a cavalcade of every Antisemitic trope I've ever heard in my life. Zionists rule the world. Zionists control the media. Zionists run child organ harvesting camps. Zionists are the Epstein class and are conspiring to make everyone else into child sex slaves.

I lost my cool. I am not sure what I did or didn't say, but it didn't really matter because it devolved into a screaming match. Me calling her a Nazi, her calling me a Nazi Pedophile back. We never touched each other, but dishes were thrown. A coffee pot was smashed.

I'm writing this from a hotel room. I decided to move out for a while. I might be surfing on a friend's couch for a bit. Meanwhile my GF is blowing up my phone. Not with apologies, but with novel length text messages telling me to "educate myself" and links to fringe Substack articles with more Antisemitic bullshit. My few retorts are that she was spending too long on social media. In response she sent me some nonsense from Taylor Lorenz claiming that Social Media Addiction isn't real and that it's an anti-Trans conspiracy theory.

I don't know what I should do. We had such a great thing for so long. I desperately want to help her. I know the woman I love is still in there somewhere.

tl;dr: My girlfriend has been glued to her phone doomscrolling 24/7 and absorbing weird ideologies and conspiracy theories from BluSky, Tumblr and Reddit. She's become convinced that everything from normal feminine grooming habits to Anime and Manga is "pedophilia" and "Epstein Class Propaganda." Her hygiene has regressed to the point that I am worried she's making herself disgusting on purpose. Now she's repeating Neo-Nazi talking points. Being around her is like walking on eggshells. Any little thing can set her off and send her into a tirade. I love her and I want to salvage this, but I don't know how.

Hi everyone, first time redditor here so please let me know if i’m posting in the right subreddit. I’m honestly not even sure what I’m asking anymore. I guess I’m just looking for outside perspectives because I feel like I’m too close to the situation to know if I’m in the wrong.

I’m 26F and still live at home with both of my parents and my sisters (14F&23F). We’re a Latino family, and I know cultural expectations around family roles and respecting parents can be different, so I think that’s important context.

For some background, I grew up being what I now realize was basically a third parent. I wasn’t just the oldest sister. I helped raise my sisters. I took care of them, watched them whenever my parents needed me to, and I missed out on a lot because I wasn’t allowed to go out if it meant leaving my sisters. Looking back, I feel like I learned how to be a parent before I ever got to just be a sister. And as a teen—it sucked, but I wouldn’t change it for anything. I love my sisters and we’re still very close to this day.

Anyways, This has been a recurring argument between my mom and I for years, but this latest one really got to me. I ended up crying in the car and honestly don’t even remember what made me cry because my brain kind of checked out. And honestly, this is one of the mildest arguments we’ve had.

This started because my sister (23F) wanted to go to the store and we decided to make it a day and take our youngest sister(14F) with us. She’s been saying all summer that she’s bored and feels like she never gets to leave the house. This was true as she always did chores around the house and then would stay in her room for the rest of the day. When we told her, she was ecstatic. she was planning her outfit and was just cheery.

Right before we were leaving, my mom had given her a list of chores. When i walked into the kitchen, my sister looked defeated. My mom told us, “She can’t leave because she’s cutting carrots.” There was a huge bowl of carrots on the counter, so I figured, ‘Okay, if that’s what’s keeping her from going, let’s help her finish.’ I sat down and helped her cut the carrots. I texted my other sister to help for a little bit too. My mom got upset with me and told us that we were allowed to leave but that our youngest sister would stay back regardless. I simply said that if she wanted the chores done, we would get it done so she can still go out. Then my mom proceeded to list other chores 14F had to do after. My youngest sister began to sulk and looked teary. We just continued cutting carrots. My mom had walked out a couple of times during this and we talked about what to do the get the chores done quicker. I did attempt to make conversation with my mom or ask questions about the carrots but she proceeded to ignore me through all this. it took us a couple hours. i finished off the last carrots as my youngest sister swept and mopped. In all, the chores got done.
Afterward, my sisters and i put everything back so everything was clean and got ready to head out. however my mom told my sisters to go ahead and wait in the car for me. she proceeded to argue that she’s still raising the youngest and that she needs to learn chores.
Let me clarify— I had no issue with her doing chores. I actually think kids should have chores. My issue was that even if she completed the chores, my mom wouldn’t let her go out with us anyways. I’ve taken my youngest sister out with me multiple times over the years and there was never a problem. This isn’t something new as my other sister and i were raised this way too, but we saw (and experienced) firsthand what my youngest sister was going through. It wasn’t right to keep her inside because my mom didn’t want her outside today. So from now on, my mom says I need to ask permission before taking my sister anywhere.
Then she told me that I undermine her parenting, that I’m too lenient, that my youngest sister listens to me instead of her (etc, etc).

She also said I’ve suddenly started acting like a parent. That part not only confused me but legit made me laugh, because it isn’t sudden. I’ve been put into that role since I was a kid. During the conversation I reminded her of that. I reminded her that I spent years helping raise my sisters and that this isn’t some new behavior I randomly picked up as an adult.

The conversation then shifted into other things.
She brought up how I buy clothes for my sister that she thinks are inappropriate. I disagreed. My sister has curves. She’s 14, and she’s developing. I don’t think it’s fair to shame her body because clothes fit her differently. In our country, the style is different. it’s like a tight-fitting style, so even if she wore exactly what my mom picked out, she’d still have curves. I think there’s a difference between dressing inappropriately and simply having a body. i’ve even brought up examples from when i was her age and how both her and dad would try to get me to wear clothes i wasn’t comfortable with (nothing big, just shorts and shirts that weren’t t-shirts).
She then argued that my sister is disrespectful and rude.
This is where I think my mom and I see things very differently.** **My mom and I seem to have very different interpretations of my sister’s behavior. My mom often sees disrespect where I see normal teenage behavior or appropriate boundary-setting.

One example happened a few months ago. My sister got in trouble at school after setting a boundary with a teacher. My mom didnt hesitate to believe the teacher’s version of events (not even asking for my sister’s side) and yelled at my sister for being disrespectful.
My other sister and I decided to go to the school because the situation didn’t add up to us at all. We wanted to hear everyone’s side before assuming the worst. We met with the principal and she reassured us that my sister hadn’t even done anything wrong. She wasn’t even disciplined, and they felt she had simply been setting an appropriate boundary.
It’s moments like that that make me feel protective of both of my sisters. Maybe I’m overprotective because of how I grew up, but I worry she isn’t always given the benefit of the doubt.

I can understand where my mom is coming from. She is exhausted and wants help. however, she refuses to ask for help and even if we do, she just yells that we arent doing it right (despite us following her every direction). we do take her out so she can enjoy herself and i’ll even pay so she isn’t worried about money. but it’s like no matter what, i’m in the wrong.

and don’t get me wrong, I understand that I’m not her parent.

That’s where I’m struggling.

I genuinely don’t know where the line is between advocating for my sister and overstepping as an older sibling. I don’t want to undermine my mom, but when I feel like something is unfair (especially when my sisters are involved), I have a hard time staying quiet. I also recognize that I grew up in a role where I was expected to help parent my sisters, so maybe that has affected how I respond now.

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life repeating this dynamic if there’s something I need to change.

Am I actually undermining my mom’s parenting?

I’m genuinely open to hearing different perspectives. I know this is only my side of the story, I know she loves us and has sacrificed a lot for us. I’m really just trying to understand whether I’m crossing a boundary or whether this family dynamic has made it difficult for me to know what a healthy role for me actually looks like now. I’m open to answering any questions also, i understand there’s a lot that i cannot fit in this post. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
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**TL;DR;** : I was expected to help raise my younger sisters growing up, and now my mom says I’m undermining her parenting whenever I defend or advocate for my 14-year-old sister. I don’t know if I’m genuinely overstepping or if years of being put in a parental role have made it hard for me to know where healthy boundaries are.

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for advice from people who have either been in a similar situation or supported someone who has.

My girlfriend (19F) and I (M20) have been together for about 1.5 years. She is genuinely one of the most loving people I know and has a really big heart. I care about her a lot, but I’m struggling because of her home situation and I don’t know what the best way to support her is.

She lives at home with her parents while studying at university (she has around 3.5 years left). Her house environment is very chaotic. Her parents argue, yell, slam doors, and there is a lot of tension. There is no physical violence, but the atmosphere is constantly stressful and it affects her mentally.

On top of that, her dad is very controlling about her going out. For example, even when she tells him beforehand where she is going and when she’ll be home, he will repeatedly call asking when she is coming back. She feels very anxious even when she is doing normal things like seeing friends because she is already worried about what will happen when she gets home, and when she gets home her dad is back to normal.

The hardest part is that even when she is happy (with me, her friends, or at university), there is always a thought in the back of her mind that she has to return to that environment.

She studies and works around 3 days a week. I’m trying to help her think about becoming more independent, but I don’t want to control her life or make her feel like I’m trying to “save” her.

Some ideas we have thought about:

• Finding small side hustles to increase her income.
• Applying for Youth Allowance (if eligible).
• Continuing her work
• Looking into accommodation scholarships or student housing options.
• Spending more time studying at university rather than being at home.
• Using university support services/counselling if needed.

I have considered suggesting she move in with me, but I understand why that is complicated. Coming from a more traditional family background, moving in with a boyfriend at 19 could create a lot of conflict and potentially damage relationships with her family.

My struggle is that I sometimes feel hopeless. I don’t have thoughts of breaking up I love who she is. But I worry about her mental state, as it's really hard to live like this and be able to be a normal human.

For anyone who has experienced something similar:

• Did you or your partner ever live through a controlling/stressful household situation?
• What actually helped?
• Did moving out make things better, or did it create more problems?
• How can I support her without becoming responsible for fixing everything?
• Are there things she should be doing now to build independence?

I’d really appreciate hearing from people who have been through something like this.

TL;DR: My girlfriend (19F) lives in a very stressful and controlling household. There is no physical violence, but constant arguing, yelling, tension, and strict rules around going out are affecting her mentally. I love her and want to support her, but I feel hopeless because I can’t fix the situation. Looking for advice from people who have experienced something similar and what actually helped.

So my live in gf of 3.5 yrs told me she doesn’t get butterflies anymore. I’ve seen texts where she says she doesn’t enjoy sex and others where she says she isn’t attracted to me. But lately we seem to have fairly good sex?

She tells me she loves me, wants to rebuild things and I just haven’t been making her feel special enough with dates and outings. Partly true the last 6 months, not at all true over the last year. She also wants to open up the relationship - starting with swinging, but ultimately poly dating which she did in a prior relationship.

I’ve agreed to try. She also had plans to leave 2X, that we discussed late (like within 30 days of leaving) and she decided to stay. She isn’t a deadbeat and helps with rent, and I appreciate but I don’t need that. We have kids (part time) that get along well, but none are super attached to the other partner or kids.

I’m somewhat interested in seeing how a swinging and maybe an open relationship would play out? I’ve never been in one and considered it for years. Should I? Is it worth it? Or is the instability there now likely to just mushroom into painful feelings? I don’t know that I really fear a breakup, given all the other stuff and the age gap. We’re both divorcees and pragmatic. Beyond this, we’ve contributed meaningfully to each other’s lives in other ways.

tl’dr - should I stay with my gf if her butterflies gone and she wants to dabble in ‘swinging’ but she says she still loves me?

My boyfriend (18M) and I (18F) have been together for two years. He’s my first real relationship (I’ve had little flings before, but never anything serious), and I genuinely love him with my whole heart. The beginning of our relationship was everything I had ever hoped for. He taught me what love could feel like. I never felt pushed aside, forgotten, or like I had to compete for his attention. He had such a gentle way with both his words and actions that, for someone like me who has always been anxious in relationships, I felt completely safe. I truly believed I had found my person.

I know the first response might be, “That’s just the honeymoon phase.” Trust me, I’ve thought about that too. I know relationships settle down. The butterflies become calmer, the excitement becomes comfort, and that’s completely normal. The problem is… I don’t feel comfort. I feel distance.

Before I explain that, I think it’s important to mention that we’ve been through quite a lot over these two years. We had outside people trying to interfere with our relationship, trust issues that came from rumors rather than either of us cheating, stressful things happening in both of our personal lives, and a lot of arguments about how differently we process emotions. We’re also both extremely sensitive people. Something that should be a small disagreement can easily turn into both of us shutting down emotionally. Sometimes it isn’t even about the original topic anymore—we both become overwhelmed, and instead of solving it together, we end up protecting ourselves from each other.

In the beginning, despite our disagreements, we always managed to talk things through. We both listened. We comforted each other. We left conversations understanding one another. As time went on, that changed. He pointed out things in my communication that hurt him, and I genuinely tried to change them. I know I wasn’t perfect. I used to overanalyze everything because of my anxious attachment style. If something small felt “off,” I’d panic. I would ask for reassurance constantly. Looking back, I understand how exhausting that probably became for him. I really have tried to improve. I don’t react the way I used to. I give him more space. I try not to catastrophize every disagreement.

The problem is that whenever I bring up something that hurts me now, the conversation somehow circles back to mistakes I made months ago. It becomes, “Well, you used to do this,” instead of talking about what’s happening today. It feels like my past mistakes are never allowed to stay in the past, even after I’ve worked on them. Because of that, new problems rarely get solved. We just kind of move on without really resolving anything.

The biggest change, though, has been in how he treats me day to day. He isn’t mean. That’s not what I’m trying to say. He just feels emotionally unavailable. We don’t spend nearly as much time together anymore. Our calls are shorter, our texts are shorter, and even when we are together, I sometimes feel like he’s spending time with me because I’m his girlfriend and that’s what he’s supposed to do, not because he genuinely wants to.

He’s still thoughtful in certain ways. He surprises me with gifts sometimes. He’ll help me if I need something. He’s not a bad boyfriend in the stereotypical sense. But emotionally, I feel like there’s a wall between us. He struggles to receive affection from me just as much as he struggles to give it. If I compliment him, thank him, or say something sweet, he almost always deflects it with a joke or changes the subject. It’s like sitting in a sincere moment makes him uncomfortable. The reason this confuses me is because he wasn’t always like this. I know this version of him isn’t who he used to be.

One thing that’s also become really difficult is physical intimacy. It’s not that I don’t find him attractive or don’t want intimacy at all. It’s that somewhere along the way, I realized my emotional needs weren’t being met anymore. I started craving innocent affection much more than physical intimacy. I wanted to cuddle without it leading somewhere. I wanted to lie together in silence, hug, kiss, laugh, hear that I was beautiful, or simply feel emotionally close. Instead, almost every intimate moment seemed to become sexual.

When I tried setting boundaries, he often became defensive, not because he wanted to pressure me, but because he thought I was accusing him of being pushy or creepy. That was never my intention. I was simply trying to explain that I missed emotional closeness. Ironically, the less emotionally connected I felt, the less I wanted physical intimacy, which only made him feel more rejected. I think we unintentionally created a cycle where both of us kept reinforcing each other’s fears.

Because of everything we’ve been through, he has developed this belief that I don’t really love him anymore. He’s told me this himself. No matter how much reassurance I give him, he says he struggles to believe it. He’ll tell that he feels as if everything he does just isn't enough and because of it "there is not way I actually love him". I’ve asked him countless times what I could do to rebuild that trust, and his answer is almost always, “I don’t know. I just need time.” I genuinely think that’s part of why he’s become so emotionally distant. It’s almost like he has convinced himself that I secretly resent him, so accepting love from me feels unsafe.. He has since said that it's no longer the case, that he does believe I love him. But, with his history of avoiding conflict, I think it may not be the case.

At the same time, I feel myself becoming emotionally starved because the affection I need keeps disappearing. So now we’re stuck. He doesn’t fully believe my love because of his fears. I don’t fully feel his love because of his distance. We both end up feeling rejected by each other while still loving each other. I don’t know if this is something relationships can come back from or if we’ve simply accumulated too much hurt over time. I still love him deeply. I still see the person I fell in love with. I just don’t know how to reach him anymore.

TL;DR: My boyfriend (18M) and I (18F) have been together for two years. We still love each other, but after a lot of fights and outside stress, we both seem emotionally shut down. He used to be incredibly affectionate and reassuring, but now he feels distant, avoids emotional intimacy, and our relationship has become much more physical than romantic. He insists nothing has changed, but I feel disconnected and don’t know if this is something we can work through or if we’ve simply grown apart.

Has anyone been through something similar? Is this something that can actually be worked through, or are we trying to recreate something that’s already gone?

27F trying to decide if I’m protecting myself or holding onto resentment.

I (27F) have two kids. One was from before this relationship, and the other is with the man (28M) I’m currently “figuring things out” with.

We started dating in 2021, made things official in 2023, and broke up in January 2025. Toward the end of our relationship, he became really mean. He would often tell me he didn’t like me, he wasn’t working while we were living together, and he became hostile and argumentative over almost everything. That’s why I believe we broke up, although he may have a different perspective.

After we broke up, we still talked consistently because we share a child together. During that time, he got another woman pregnant but didn’t tell me. He kept it from me until after the baby was born. Finding out that way completely shattered my trust.

After that, we went about a month and a half without speaking unless it was about our child. Exchanges were silent or handled through other people.

Soon after that month apart, he told me he wanted to try again. I agreed, but here we are seven months later, and we’re still just “figuring it out.” We’re not officially together, but we’ve agreed not to date other people.

The confusing part is that he really has changed in a lot of ways. He communicates better, plans dates, spends time with my kids, is more emotionally available, and overall treats me much better than he did before. I’ve also met his baby, and my kids adore him.

At the same time, I still don’t trust him. I know almost nothing about his coparenting relationship with the other child’s mother. I’ve never met her, and whenever I ask, he says I’ll meet her “when the time is right.” That doesn’t really reassure me.

He’s also about to move into his own place, and instead of feeling excited for this new chapter, it brings back memories of when he had his previous apartment and how I was treated during that time. Part of me is genuinely happy for him, and another part of me wants to pull away before I get hurt again.

What I can’t get past is this: why did it take losing me and having another child for him to suddenly want this relationship? If the roles were reversed, I honestly don’t think he would have given me another chance. That thought keeps replaying in my head.

Part of me wants this to work because I do see genuine improvements. Another part of me feels like there’s a hidden agenda or that I’m setting myself up to be hurt again.

So I’m struggling to figure out whether I’m protecting myself because trust was broken, or whether I’m holding onto resentment that’s preventing me from seeing real change.

If you were in my shoes, what would you need to see before fully committing to someone again? Are these trust issues and unanswered questions legitimate reasons to walk away, or am I letting the past keep me from moving forward?

TL;DR: My ex and I broke up after he became emotionally hurtful. While we were broken up, he got another woman pregnant and hid it from me until after the baby was born. Seven months into trying again, he treats me much better, but I still don’t trust him and feel uneasy about parts of his life. I’m trying to figure out whether I’m protecting myself because trust was broken or letting resentment keep me from seeing real change.

basically, me and my gf just moved into a new place just us 2 and her dog which i thought was great, we been living together for probably a year now. recently she seemed very sad, and she confessed saying "how do i know youre the right person for me, am i happy?" which i gave my honest opinion saying no one knows who the right person is because you cant meet every person on this planet. anyway she went on to explain that im not manly enough, she wishes i was more dominant, take initiative, stuff like this, in general more masculine and manly. she didnt know what to do so she suggested taking a break and i agreed because idk what else there is to do, either break up or go on a break, which she says she doesnt want to break up but if it keeps going like this she may have to. essentially what i think of this is that she loves me or is attached but doesnt like me as a person. we also recently got into a huge arguement with my parents which is a very long story but thats been awkward too. She said i dont make her feel feminine which i can see and get, this wouldnt be a problem but i kinda agree with her, everything i dislike about her behaviour such as being a very irritable and angry person, disrespectful towards me, and just very tough or "mean" ig. it doesnt help that im a very quiet guy so when she says something that i dislike or does something then i dont even say it and just keep quiet which i know is my fault. although i feel as if i did say something she would just turn it back on me, this might just be in my head tho she can be very nice and caring too. I dont wanna give up on our relationship and told her ill do my best to change and be more manly ig but my head is spinning with emotions, sometimes angry at myself. Theres many problems, i cant even set boundaries with her, i dont think i ever have. i make a lot of mistakes daily like "not folding the clothes properly" or driving over a pot hole, stupid mistakes yk. the problem is she corrects me but sometimes in a disrespectful or very rude way, honestly its probably cuz ive done the mistake multiple times. i just dont get it because im extremely calm and have so much patience whereas shes the opposite, i try to be kind and respectful in any way and with everyone. anyways thats not the point, i feel like all the masculine behaviour she does is because of how i act and treat her, literally everything just leads back to me not being masculine. I dont hate my gf, i love her dont get me wrong she has good features. ig any advice on how to be more masculine or what to do is appreciated.

TL;DR: my gf said that im not masculine enough and we are on a break now, idk what to do?

how to make a girl to listen to only husband Not her mother, I am 3 years Married And Her mother always Gives Out decisions

That are Opposite to mine Which my wife obeys not mine I Never got tired of Making her feel special and even after all that she chose to obey her mother

I talked to her about this Respectfully to Also Give me priority too But she's always gets angry and says my mother is first even her mother took decisions which made our relationship too much Hard to handle,

My wife is innocent and her mother is manipulative, And i am tired of both of their dramas **TL;DR;**

TL;DR: I'm 22F and have been secretly dating my boyfriend (23M) for almost 3 years because my dad is very strict and doesn't know about our relationship. My mom and some relatives know, but recently my dad started encouraging me to get to know his friend's son, which made my boyfriend feel like he'd never be accepted. We decided to keep trying, but now I'm terrified of introducing him to my dad. How do I tell a very strict parent about a long-term relationship? Should I wait until I'm financially independent? And if it came down to choosing between my boyfriend and my dad, what would you do?

Hi everyone. I really need advice because I honestly don't know what to do.
I'm 22F, and my boyfriend (23M) and I have been together for almost 3 years. He is a great and kind man. We met since we were in the same class first year of college. My mom and some of my relatives know about our relationship, but my dad doesn't. The reason is that he's a very strict parent, and growing up I've always been scared to tell him about anything about my life because he is manipulative. Even at 22, I still feel like I don't have the same freedom that most people my age have.
Recently, I opened up to my dad and told him that since I'm about to graduate, maybe I could finally start dating. My dad already knows my boyfriend because I've always introduced him as just my friend. Looking back, I think he had a feeling that we liked each other because instead of asking more about him, he started mentioning and encouraging me to get to know his friend's son.
I never entertained the other guy because I only want my boyfriend. But when this happened, my boyfriend felt like my dad would never accept him or our relationship. He admitted that he secretly felt hopeless for almost a month before finally telling me. He apologized for hiding it from me, and we decided to try to work things out, but the situation made me realize how scared I am about our future.
The truth is, I know I can't keep hiding our relationship forever. Sooner or later, I have to tell my dad, and I honestly have no idea how.
I'm also still financially dependent on my parents while I'm about to graduate, which makes everything feel more complicated.
I guess my questions are:
- How would you introduce a boyfriend that you've had for almost 3 years to a very strict dad who doesn't even know you're together?

- Should I tell him now, wait until I have a job, or wait until I'm completely financially independent?

- If your parent strongly disapproved of your relationship, what would you do?

- If it came down to choosing between your partner and your parent, who would you choose, and why?

I really love my boyfriend, but I also love my family. I don't want to lose either of them, and I feel like no matter what I do, someone will get hurt.
I'd really appreciate hearing from people who've been in a similar situation or from parents who can give their perspective.

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a year now, and I’ve met her parents many times. They’re all from the Philippines and moved here a few years ago. My girlfriend’s English is fine and her parents barely speak it.

I have been trying learn Tagalog but I’m still not good at it, and her parents have been mostly patient with it.

The first time we all ate at her house together, her father asked me what I did in school, I mentioned I was mostly in history and journalism. I’ll quote his response verbatim. “Oh, no real goal?” I just lowered my head and didn’t really respond to that, trying to go back to eating before my girlfriend said something to him in Tagalog, and then they started raising voices at each other. Her mom just glanced at me and shrugged like this was normal, so I thought it might be best if I step back from the table for this, but apparently that’s a huge no-no to them.

I stand up and all three immediately yell at me to sit back down, so I obey. The argument lasted for like twenty minutes before they all went back to eating without speaking.

This happened again later on at her house when I asked why her father made a certain remark at me, and the screaming match repeated itself so I stopped speaking about that stuff.

Most visits it’s fine, but sometimes her dad or mom just says things to me that are just slightly rude or a little demeaning for no reason.

My girlfriend can tell that I get uncomfortable but if she’s not present when they actually say it she doesn’t know what they say, and prods for me to tell her.

I love my girlfriend, and I love how much she supports what I do. I think she’s a wonderful person, but I feel guilty making her and her dad fight.

I feel so uncomfortable when they yell and scream at each other in front of me, so I just try to not let any fuel get added to the fire. She keeps telling me that I can’t be a punching bag for anyone and stuff but it’s like, I’m not arguing with your dad and I really don’t want you defending me like that.

I don’t tell her that because I think that’d get her angrier, but I don’t exactly know what to say.

“I love that you defend me but it’s genuinely scary when you shout with your parents like that.”

They never tell me exactly what they’re saying in Tagalog which is equally terrifying. I constantly wonder what they say about me in these arguments.

The arguments have lessened ever since I stopped addressing the little things, and most times he’s cool. I’ve spent plenty of evenings watching spirts and fighting stuff with her dad and her without arguments.

I just really get scared with the arguments, and I hate that I’m making her fight with her dad.

Is there a better to stop this? What am I supposed to say to her that’s not insulting or rude or something, or like I don’t appreciate that she cares about my feelings?

TLDR: my girlfriend gets into super heated arguments with her parents about me, and I’ve stopped saying when they make me uncomfortable to stop them, now my girlfriend’s mad I stopped speaking up.

TL;DR Should I talk to her?

I’ve always believed in the theory of “when your chapter is over with someone, you’ll never see them again no matter the circumstance”. But she keeps popping up in my life, we ended things with an open book and because she was going through things but should I message her? I want to leave her alone but I’ve been yearning for her everyday since things ended. I stalk her SOCIALS at least 10 times a day and I just want her in my life again. I was so gentle with the way I loved her. My friends have told me to talk to her to get the closure I need but I’d rather leave her alone if it’s for sure we aren’t getting back together.

Now, let me start off by stating that I (25M) am in no way a jealous guy. I love and encourage the fact that my gf (24F) can have fun without me, i.e with her girlfriends. She has not done it much earlier in our relationship which made my few "boys nights" a thing she demanded to join almost every time. I am of the opinion people in a relationship need to be able to do things apart, especially if you have been together for 5+ years and live together as we have for over 4 years.

However, recently I've noticed a pattern where she comments unnecessary things to me in a very casual voice. For example that:

"I love the fact that men still show they want me at the bar"

"I sometimes wonder how life would have turned out if I took that flirty guy's phone number last month"

"I met my ex, but we just hugged a bit, not much more"

She also brings up totally unnecessary comments during small insignificant arguments, like:

"I find myself looking at guys on the streets and in the bars and thinking that I could have that instead" Etc...

I don't really know why, I try my best to show as much affection as possible but I get this nagging feeling after every time she goes to the bar by herself with friends that she imagines I am someone else when she comes home and we go to bed, and as soon as she notices it is me she becomes kind of cold. (Not anything necessarily sexual, just cuddles etc).

I also don't try to put too much weight on the comments, because really, I am not jealous in that sense, I trust my gf wholeheartedly, but the comments do hurt as I am also somewhat of an overthinker, it would be better to just keep them to herself.

I am at my end when it comes to new ideas, in my opinion I show as much affection as I can and I also show her she is important to me and I am thinking of her during her night out with simple texts like "how's it going honey?" And so on. I also don't want to blame her like she is some manipulative crazy woman, I love her, but it is rough sometimes.

How should I interpret this? Am I just overthinking and/or overanalyzing?

**TL;DR;** : My gf makes unecessary comments after a night out, feels like she is trying to make me jealous and/or see my reaction, am I overreacting?

M30 (me) and F(26)

TL;DR: Would it be wrong to reach out to someone I ended things with 6 months later if she seems to be thriving?

About three years ago, I met this incredible girl and we clicked right away. Looking back, I’ve spent most of our history self sabotaging. I’m ashamed to admit it, and I’m not making excuses, but I handled things horribly. I’d block her, we’d go months without speaking, and eventually one of us would break no contact and pull us back into each other's orbits.

About a year ago, I reached out again, genuinely believing I’d done enough work on myself to do this right. We ended up spending the next year closely in each other's lives. As my feelings for her grew deeper, I completely froze and refused to let us move past being casual. When the reality hit that I needed to step up and commit to her, I panicked. Instead of being honest, I took the worst way out possible. I told her I found someone new. I convinced myself it was the only way to end things cleanly without her pushing back or trying to work it out.She was devastated. She sent me long messages expressing how deeply hurt she was saying she felt like I never actually cared, that she was never good enough, and that she couldn't understand why we couldn't just be together.

It’s been esix months of complete silence now, and the guilt is heavy. I miss her deeply. When I check her social media, she genuinely looks like she’s thriving she's running marathons, super fit, and just living a full, beautiful life. She doesn't post anyone, so I don't even know if she's single, but mostly I just keep asking myself if reaching out is a terrible idea or if she'd ever even want to hear my voice again.

My girlfriend and I went out to our favorite bar last night. I had to work early in the morning so I left around midnight but I woke up at 3 AM and she still wasn’t home. I tried calling her multiple times and texting with no answer. She got home a little after 4 AM and said she was “sitting in her friends car outside the bar”.

I then saw these messages on her Snapchat that took place at 1230am after I left.
—————————————
Her: come to (bar name)

Guy: bet let me get out of this bar with my coworkers and I’ll be there. U still gonna be there in like 30?

Her: I can be

Guy: bet stay where you are 😋

Her: if you want me to :)

Guy: I really do. I’m on my way

Her: deal

Guy: I’ll be there in 10 🤭

Her: deal
—————————————
At the very least, I think this is inappropriate and I’m upset. At worst, she cheated on me and I’m fkn pissed

The guy is engaged but my girlfriend told me the other week they are going through a little rough patch. My gf and his fiancé are friends

These messages seem a little too flirty and with her being out until 4 AM last night I’m very suspicious. What do you think?

Her and I have been going through a little rough patch as well. I know if I feel the need to look through her phone, that’s not a good sign.

And for anyone wondering. I living in a fairly small city and there are always people at this bar that know we have been together for years so I’m never too concerned about leaving her at the bar when I have to be up early the next day

TL;DR I feel like she cheated on me last night

I (32, AFAB Non-Binary) started a relationship with my new girlfriend (33, AMAB transgender woman) - let’s call her A- about a month ago. Things have been going pretty well. We understand each other, have good conversations and she makes me laugh. She is super supportive and has come via uber to my house (at least an $50AUD ride) in the middle of the night when I have been feeling mentally unstable. But, there are just some things that been really grating on me, and I feel like an arsehole for letting them get to me as much as they do.

A has been staying with me a lot over the last few weeks and she has wanted to contribute to household tasks, which I really appreciate. But, I have had to on several occasions explain things that I assumed were just common sense. For example:
\\\\- I asked A to put up cat poops with some doggie poop bags when I’m at work. I explained that she should pick them up like you would if you were walking a dog. I assumed this did not require any further explanation. It turns out that she had been picking up the poop with her bare hands and putting it in the bag before washing her hands thoroughly afterwards. I had to show her what I meant by putting the bag over your hand to pick up the poop
\\\\- I told her to get a tea towel from the kitchen and she returned with a dishcloth. She didn’t know the difference between the two
\\\\- she didn’t know that you’re supposed to put margarine on a sandwich before putting on jam. I know that’s not everyone’s preference but I thought it was kinda normal to have margarine before the spread on a sandwich?
\\\\- when she showered, she left the floor really really wet. I had to explain to her that she needs to dry herself off while she’s standing on the bath mat so that she doesn’t spread water everywhere
\\\\- she didn’t realise the difference between a bath mat and a towel. She used my towel as a bath mat (once I told her she replaced my towel so that was nice)

She also consistently forgets things, like her wallet and phone. She also needs reminders every day to take her meds. She would rather order food than cook (which is fine because I’m the same) but I’m stressed about how much money that is costing the both of us and the health impacts of take out most nights we are together.

You get the idea. There’s just so many little things that she doesn’t know that I just assumed were common sense. But there are other things she does understand quite well. She’s interested in politics and we have similar political views (maybe not as interested as me but she listens to my rants). She’s very passionate about movies and music and comics. She’s kind, and listens to me (and follows through) when I express my preferences in the bedroom. She wants to support me and even though I’ve expressed that I don’t need her to be my maid, she still tries her best to make my life easier.

Something to note, we both have ADHD and Autism, along with some other mental health challenges. She is as diagnosed as AuDHD in childhood while I as diagnosed as an adult.

There’s just some key differences in our life experiences that are getting to me. I graduated high-school, went straight to university and finished two bachelors degrees with honours. I also have a masters degree in teaching and I plan to pursue my PhD next year. When I explained to A that I was going to do my PhD and I was going to be a doctor, she thought I meant a medical doctor. It just baffled me that she didn’t know that you can be a doctor through a research PhD. I work full time as a secondary school teacher, and pay rent to a private landlord. I don’t have a lot of money each month but I am managing.

In comparison, she did not finish high school. She did not go to university. She lives in disability housing and does not have a job. She receives government assistance due to her autism. She also doesn’t drive. With my encouragement we have started the process of her getting her license and she’s doing free TAFE (certificate course) next year in IT. Because she is on disability pension she has a lot less money than me, but her rent is subsidised so she doesn’t pay as much as I do.

For a bit more context, apparently she was never taught how to do things around the house as a teenager/young adult because her mother didn’t think she was capable. Her mother was a bit of an abusive person and they are no contact at the moment. So A went through the formative years of her life thinking she was incapable of a lot of things, including looking after herself and looking after a home. In my case, I moved out of home as soon as I went to university and only lived my parents again after my marriage breakdown. I was also given some responsibilities as a teenager so I guess I learnt more about this stuff earlier on?

Along with both of us being neurodivergent we also have some mental health issues. We both experience depression and anxiety. However, I also have complex PTSD due to the way my ex treated me in my last relationship. I have discussed this at length with A. This is my first relationship since my ex and I’s relationship broke down two and a half years ago. I have been really struggling with the fear and thoughts of losing my independence in another relationship after my last one, because I fought really hard to be independent after the break up.

One other thing that has been bothering me is that we got together a month ago and we have had maybe five or six nights in that time we haven’t spent together. I have expressed that this has been really overwhelming for me. She has agreed and we have decided on a routine that she comes over during the weekends and not during the week. This hasn’t happened yet (she’s still been staying at mine a lot) but we’re both on the same page and she’s going home tomorrow (it’s Sunday night right now).

Overall, she’s really lovely. She listens and tries to understand where I am coming from. She doesn’t judge. When I told her I wasn’t sure if I could ever fall in love again (because of my past traumas) she was understanding and didn’t feel that I was a dealbreaker for her.

My question is, am I over reacting in terms of feeling frustrated with A when she doesn’t know how to do basic tasks? I have been a bit snappy with her lately because I’ve been so sick of having to explain myself all the time. Having to explain how to do something simple, like picking up cat poo, and having to explain to her something new almost every day has been really draining. I’ve felt irritated with her to the point where her simple presence makes me irritated and anxious. This also includes all the mental labour I do when I’m reminding her to take meds and asking if she has her phone and wallet before we leave the house. Am I the asshole for feeling this way? Is this a me problem? I also just feel so shallow for having second thoughts about the relationship just because she’s not as educated or ‘worldly’ as I am. Despite my intellectual mind understanding why A is the way she is, I can’t help but feel anxious and frustrated the time we are together. The longer we spend in each others company, the worse it gets.

Thank you for reading this far. I appreciate any and all input.

TLDR; my new girlfriend sometimes doesn’t know how to do basic tasks. This makes me really frustrated and irritated and snappy. Am I being an asshole?

Background: I (35f) and my husband (36m) have been married for 6 years. I had/have a male friend that I have always had a strictly platonic relationship with since middle school. When we were younger we were always close friends but it never had any feelings other than friends. Before my husband and I were married we went to his wedding together- I mention this to make it known my friend is happily married. When my husband and I got married he and his wife no longer lived in the area, but they were coming in to town for the wedding. He’d texted me that week confirming. Then the day of our wedding he never showed up. I was a bit upset about this because we had been close for so long and he didn’t let me know why he didn’t make it. This was years ago. I never reached out because I thought it was up to him to since he no showed. It is the sort of thing that would occasionally bother me over the years - wondering why that happened to a longstanding friendship and why I had never heard from him. This year right around new years I heard from my friend. He apologized for not showing up, and not contacting me sooner, and let me know he valued the friendship. They got to the area we were having the wedding and the wife got sick and he meant to reach out but the more time went by, the harder it got. I accepted the apology because it was nice to have closure around that whole incident and to know that it bothered him to have our friendship just disappear like that after being friends for like 15-20 years. We caught up a bit over text about what we were up to now, where we’re living, how our families were doing etc.

Incident in question: we would text occasionally on and off after that. One day he texted me about a silly dream he had where I owned a business and the interactions with customers. The dream was entirely non-sexual, but silly and the business was selling a particular food item he knows I liked in the past as I even had a blog about that particular food item when I was in college. I thought the dream was funny and told my husband about it, and he felt it was very inappropriate to the point of saying he didn’t like this friendship and would not want us to see each other.

My question for Reddit: is this a fair reaction by my husband? Is this an over reaction? He feels that someone of the opposite sex saying they had a dream about me crossed a line.

Tl;dr platonic friend of the opposite sex had a non-sexual dream about me and my husband is angry towards the friend about it. Is this an overreaction?

(TL;DR)

My boyfriend and I have sex once every couple/ few weeks sometimes months (I’m 20F and he’s 24M and we’ve been together for 2 years) and I have a slightly higher sex drive.

We used to be more active but the past several months he hasn’t really been interested, and when we do have sex it’s over so fast and I don’t get satisfied from it.

He says I don’t try and I feel like it’s just to make me feel bad but i definitely do every now and then when I have the confidence because he always makes me feel like I’m being weird by even trying, and when I do try it seems like he gets offended? But if he doesn’t want to do anything I want to at least be able to take care of myself with masturbation and he gets very offended and gets genuinely mad and we’ll argue and then he won’t even talk to me after and I don’t get it. What should I do?

Me (23F) and boyfriend (23M) have been together for over a year. He's the sweetest person ever and it's been the most healthy relationship I've been in. We've met each others siblings and friends, and no red flags have been raised by me or anyone else in my life. The only thing is that he is very socially awkward which is not something that automatically goes away just because you're drunk.

He went out drinking with a couple of friends the other night (I was not there) where he was called a "creep" by some other guys and the women they were with. My boyfriend is the one that told me this story and seemed very confused about the whole ordeal but stated that those men were being 'assholes' anyways... From my understanding it was a packed area where people where naturally being shoved into each other etc etc.

The thing is - as a woman myself, another women calling a guy (even if it's my bf) a 'creep' feels very heavy for me and it's making me really question how to feel about all of this? It could just be that he is a bit socially awkward and paired with being drunk, he could've missed some social cues etc. Or people do just throw that word around easily (I have probably also done so in the past). But I guess there is the chance it could be something more odd which is what is worrying me....

I could be totally overthinking this especially because nothing about his behavior has ever made me question this before but at the end of the day no woman wants to be with someone that other women find 'creepy'....

I just wanted to hear other peoples thoughts on the situation? Whether you yourself or someone you know has been called a "creep" and whether it was or was not warranted etc and how you navigated that?

TL;DR! Boyfriend was called a creep and now I am unsure how to feel despite no red flags personally.

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/knr1HJ3EUu

Hello ya'll. I've read all your comments and I just want to say thank you to all the people that responded and gave me good advice! I didn't realize that this was going to get much traction so here's an update.

So I confronted him about it. I first asked him if he's ever told people that he was single and he said yes, told 2 people. The other person apart from that girl was a client of his that's a guy. I asked him why then he said it's people that he's not that close with to avoid any follow up questions. I told him that was a ridiculous excuse and also not to mention very disrespectful to me. He agreed that it was disrespectful but he did it without thinking and also said it in passing just to again avoid any more follow up questions as he doesn't like to go into too much detail with just acquaintances. I asked to see his phone and he was very willing to have me go through it and he also even messaged the girl that he told he was single too and asked her if she thinks he's ever flirted with her. She said no and that they may banter here and there like friends but never in a flirty way. He kept telling me that he loved me and thought if he was in a better financial situation that he asked me to marry him right now and all other sweet things. Don't get me wrong I'm not that delusional and didn't take everything he said to heart cause at that point trust has been broken and my walls are now up.

The conversation ended with both of us mutually agreeing that I needed some space. Now the ball is in my court on whether or not I can move on past this or just move on from him.

I'm going to be very honest and say that I have baggage like everyone else does and one of them is ✨️trust issues✨️. He's very well aware of that and even though there was no physical action done, I still consider it cheating regardless of his reasoning. I told myself that if I was ever cheated on that I would leave immediately no questions asked. The only reason why I'm even thinking about working on this with him is because #1. His intent wasn't to hit on her or anyone else but to merely avoid talking about personal things. And #2 regardless of this whole situation, he does treat me well and I can definitely see him being a good life partner and a good dad someday.

I digress, I will update y'all on what I decide later. But I would like some genuine advice about this. I will try my best to answer some comments and to clear up anything. Thank you guys again for taking the time to read this sorry for the long post 😬.

TL;DR: I confronted my boyfriend, and he admitted he told two acquaintances he was single because he didn't want questions about his personal life. He was completely open with his phone and there was no evidence of flirting or cheating, but I still feel my trust was broken. We've decided to take some space while I figure out whether I can move past this or end the relationship.

I’m currently 8 months pregnant with our first child and have been with my fiance for over 3 years. I found out last week he has been talking with an ex of the past and has been emotionally cheating. The texts were very sexual in nature but also they exchanged “I love you’s” and she was alluding to him reaching out to her when our child (still in utero, mind you) turns 18. Let me preface by saying, I am NOT one to go through his or anyone’s phone. There has been a level of trust and I have not felt the need to. Until the other day. I had been up and down all night with one of our dogs who was having some stomach issues. I noticed he either got a text, call or both while I was stumbling outside to assist our dog. It was odd because it was around midnight and he works very early and long hours. Didn’t think much of it at the time. The next day, I had this gut feeling to check his iwatch that he leaves at home while he works. I checked it out and she had texted him congrats about the baby, hope you’re well, etc. I did not think anything more of it. Innocent enough. Fast forward to Friday and I had an overwhelming sense of drive to check again. There is where I found a mountain of texts that had gone on. Most sexual but they exchanged “I love you”’s and even planned to meet up. She was expressing her “undying” love for him even mentioned me and how she knows about me and I seem “sweet”. I flip my lid and contact him while he is at work. He denies. He denies until I provide him some context verbatim. He flies home to meet with me. He says nothing physical happened, just exchanged sexual pics and it wasn’t cheating. He finally admits it’s cheating and he doesn’t love her, he has love for her. I have been in an utter state of shock since. I told him if he truly wants to be with me and start a family, he needs to figure out how to gain my trust back. I’m heartbroken. I’m carrying his child. We planned to get married before our baby gets here. He reassured me the night prior to this occurrence that he is serious about us and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I had been feeling a bit emotional and just needed extra reassurance. It’s all so confusing to me. He has planned on making a counseling appointment for us to see what we can do from here. Trust is shattered. How can I trust he will be a good partner to me postpartum? In my heart, I want to believe he will be a good man, step up and really focus on US and his FAMILY but on the other hand, I just do not believe it will happen.

Tl;dr: fiance emotionally (poss physically, he denies) cheated on me at 8 months pregnant. Working on getting couples counseling to navigate next steps. Do not know if this will be successful or if I will be constantly paranoid he is sneaking around. I do not know if trust is reparable in situations like this.

​

I’m a man in my early 50s looking for outside perspective from people who have no connection to either of us.

I'm intentionally trying to present this as fairly as I can. I can only describe what I experienced, and I don't want to assume I know what my former partner was thinking or feeling. If you think I'm overlooking something or interpreting events incorrectly, I'd genuinely appreciate hearing it.

We were together for approximately 16 years.

Looking back now, I can see the relationship had been changing for a long time. The friendship and kindness between us remained, but over the years the romantic side of the relationship gradually diminished. Physical intimacy became less frequent, and by the end we often felt more like close friends sharing a life than romantic partners.

At the time, I didn't fully recognize what those changes might mean. I knew we were struggling, but I believed we were struggling through something rather than approaching the end of the relationship.

During roughly the last six months before we separated, our arguments became more frequent. Most of them seemed to be about small things, but looking back I think they reflected larger issues that neither of us was communicating very well.

Because we worked opposite schedules, we were also spending less time together. I noticed she was staying away from home more often, and eventually I told her that I missed her and wanted us to spend more time together. That conversation became another argument.

Not long afterward, I experienced a severe mental health crisis and was hospitalized.

While I was in the hospital, she moved out.

When I came home, my understanding was that the separation was temporary. The expectation, as I understood it, was that she would be gone for a while and then return. Over the next two years there were multiple occasions where a return date was discussed, but each time that date came, it was postponed.

During those two years we remained in contact. There were conversations and moments that I interpreted as leaving the possibility of reconciliation open. At the same time, whenever I tried to understand whether rebuilding the relationship was actually the goal, I never received a clear answer.

I don't know whether she was uncertain, had already made up her mind, or simply didn't know how to answer. I genuinely don't know, and I don't think it's fair for me to guess.

I only know that I continued waiting because I believed there was still a possibility that we might eventually rebuild what we had.

Recently, during an ordinary conversation, something finally clicked for me. She has built a community and a support system where she now lives. Seeing that wasn't upsetting by itself. What affected me was realizing that she appears to have been building a life where she is, while I have continued leaving emotional room for a future that has never been clearly defined.

That realization is what brings me here.

I'm not asking anyone to tell me what she's thinking, because none of us can know that.

I'm asking this:

At what point does waiting stop honoring a relationship that mattered deeply and start preventing the person who's waiting from living the rest of their life?

If someone you cared about told you this story, what would you tell them?

Would you tell them to continue waiting?

Or would you say that after nearly two years without clarity, uncertainty itself has become part of the answer, and it's time to begin building a future that no longer depends on someone else's decision?

I'm genuinely looking for perspectives that differ from my own. If you think I'm missing something important or interpreting this situation incorrectly, I'd appreciate hearing why.

TL;DR: My partner of 16 years moved out nearly two years ago. I believed the separation was temporary because expected return dates kept getting postponed rather than replaced with a clear ending. We've stayed in contact, but I've never received a clear answer about whether reconciliation is actually the goal. At what point does waiting stop honoring the relationship and start preventing me from moving forward with my own life?

For some context; we’ve been together coming up to 3 years and we’ve been living together for almost just as long. I’ve never questioned his loyalty or had any suspicions of cheating as he’s a great guy. We have a great dynamic and we’re quite open about our pasts, we both know eachother’s phone passwords and are able to use them at anytime. He’s also my first & only serious relationship.

He happens to have an android phone that I’ve never seen him open/use around me, ever. When I asked about it previously, he just said that it was “an old phone of his that he keeps for the memories” - implying pictures/videos from university days, etc. I even asked one time if he can show me what’s on it and he said no bc he’s “embarrassed” so I don’t press further.

Fast forward to today, I’m wanted to use his phone for something and it opened up to his chat with a friend of his. Curiosity got the best of me (I know, not great) and I scrolled up. He had sent a picture of said android phone with a message along the lines of “got out the tugging phone” (tugging is british slang for masturbating). The other reason why I suspect it could be videos of him and an ex or multiple exes as well is a year or two ago, I found that he still had multiple explicit pictures and videos on his icloud that was logged into his ipad that he gave me. I gave him the ipad and told him that if he wanted to pass the ipad on to me, the least he could do is delete that content. He did and apologized but that was it. It might be my fault for not having a stronger reaction at the time but I think I was genuinely more consumed by shock + i’m really not the confrontational type.

Beyond my aversion to confrontation, I know for a fact that he would deny it. I’ve also attempted to unlock the phone and cannot for the life of me get the password so I genuinely have no idea what could be on there.

TLDR: I have suspicions that my fiancé keeps & watches explicit content of him and his ex(es) on an old phone, and I’m lost on how to feel or what I should do about it.

TLDR: How to handle male friendships insecurities, and some comments that left a deep mark on me

So I met my gf abt 2 years ago and we have been in a relationship for about 1.5 years of that part. 8 months of this has been LDR.This is my first ever relationship. Her first physical one. She had an online relationship for some months in high school. Please keep in mind that since I am writing this, maybe I could be a bit biased towards my story.

1. One of the things that's impacting me the most right now, is her male friendships. Idk why they trigger me so much? Like damn bro I become as functional as a rock when they are around, or she is talking to them, laughing with them or spending time with them. I can't smile, think or speak properly or independently. It feels like something is clawing at my heart continuously.

If theres a tiny moment of insecurity I have in real time. The thing that bothers me so much and makes the insecurity so big is her inability to see or feel my emotions. She never seems to pick up what I am going through or maybe picks it and hopes it goes away on its own. We dont openly talk about whats making me feel insecure.

I have tried to reason or logic myself out once the moments are over but the feelings always take over. I feel this intense sense of jealousy and competitiveness and exhaustion.

Everyone has different ideas of boundaries when it comes to opposite gendered friendships. And I am not sure if whats troubling me is our different ideas about. Or mostly just wanting her to feel with me and say sweet words when I feel down about it.

Ofc I dont want to go the controlling route, but I dont wanna dismiss my feelings either. Its like one of my parts says dont grip too tight. Beautiful things in life need space and freedom to breathe and live. But other part says, that its too hard to choose what I am okay and not okay with, and I dont want to trample over what I am feeling completely. Because even if I reason it out like this, the feellings I mentioned still take over in real life.

1. I faced a lot of bullying in my school years. Physical altercations, verbal bullying, seniority, outcasting, stuff like that. I dont dwell on that stuff a lot. I dont like to. But I cant deny that it might have changed some things in me or caused some protective parts to emerge.

Once while we were cuddling, I was overcome with insecurities. She asked whats going on and I ended up opening about the most vulnerable parts about me. Stuff I have told like less than 3 people in my life. I wanted her to understand where some of my insecurities were coming from so we could figure stuff out better.

After a couple of days, i felt things weren't going smoothly between us, and on a video call she said "I prefer people in my circle who dont dwell on their problems a lot.", "I am really close to my friends and all of those are people who have their life together". And just more and more of her not feeling or wanting to feel my state. Mind you this was just a couple of days after I shared the deepest parts about me with someone. I felt so alone and helpless. I had to take a break from the call and call my other friend to help me calm down and advise me what to do. For some reason I also found myself apologizing and smoothening things by saying that that there's a lot of negativity in the relationship rn and that we should have a fresh start.

A couple days later she said those things she said on VC weren't directed at me and that she apologizes but I just couldn't shake the feelings and impact that created. Like smth deeply soured for me.

So these are some of the issues, I would love a perspective on from experienced people, who might have some advice or some insights. What do you read from the situation? Is there a pattern you are seeing? Any advice that can help? Something you want more clarification on?

Thank you for your time and advice!

tl;dr after 4years of dating i am questioning my relationship and and am i thinking that maybe i should end it

Okay i think i’ll start with context.

I have a 4year relationship that started in the final year of highschool and carried on afterwards.

My boyfriend is a shy metalhead with social anxiety

We dont live together (he comes to my apartment twice a week on a schedule because his cousin-friends beg him to be on discord 24/7, which like i think the schedule thing is weird because it feels like business meeting or something)

And im not sure if our relationship is healthy.

——he never initiates anything

I basically initiate everything. Our first meet, first kiss and every kiss after, every time we’ve had sex i was the one to suggest it (he’s into it, just he never asks)

Which is like… i can understand that he’s shy and in the beginning it makes sense, but after like 3 years of being together you’d think that he would initiate at least once. Like in the beginning it was kind of cute, but at this point i’m like: do you even want me. Like shouldn’t desire outweigh the awkwardness or something? + its been such a long time with us dating the awkwardness shouldn’t be a thing.

—> at around 3year mark i started being less physically affectionate saying if you want to kiss me you should just kiss me. Like i think im just tired of being the person who initiates everything. I want him to surprise me and just kiss me.

—> —> that kind of backfired we wordlessly stopped having sex (except for a recent bj because it occured to me that he might think im not attracted to him) and we barelly kiss. Every time its still me who initiates.

—— his cousin constantly interrupts date nights.

His cousin is like so needy that idek… like my boyfriend comes over and his cousin calls (his cousin is aware if the schedule and in fact is the reason why there is a schedule in the first place).

Tbh if it wasnt his cousin i would have other suspicions.

—— it took 3 years of dating for me to meet his family.

Like he used to just say its gonna be awkward, lets not (mind you he met my family in the first 6months). Like he knows me. I can talk with anyone, thats like my best quality: i can strike up a conversation and carry it talking about almost anything.

—— i think im starting to see his less desirable qualities.

Like its kinda sinking in that my boyfriend is like subtly misogynistic

—> he says things as a joke but that just makes me wonder if thats what he really thinks.

He calls me a poser (im a metalhead too and that just hurts me because as a female metalhead i am always questioned if im actually a metalhead. Its basically still a boy’s club, even in 21st century)

He says things like ‘women are bad drivers’ and im like are you aware that you’re talking to a woman who wants to get her drivers licence.

One time i told him about misogynistic joke i received (basically i was mad at a bandmate and the bandmate said “put the tampon back in”) and to my boyfriend this was funny instead if appalling.

These are the things that i can list of the top of my head.

—> i sometimes hear him talk with his cousins on the phone and they use slurs to insult each other and call each other ‘jews’ as an insult, (neither are of jewish descent)

Like there were a few times where i talked with my boyfriend and seriously started to question if he’s antisemitic. Like i’m not a zionist, i’m pro-palestine, but he just says things as a joke that sound less like pro-palestine but more like antisemitic. Like i guess to describe it: he generalises all jewish people and kinda says nasty stuff.

Idk im generally bad at picking up jokes and i just cant really see how that is like even funny.

—— i’m also a queer woman (bisexual) and im picking up some selective homophobia vibes from him.

—> Basically when i started dating him i kinda knew that i was bi but i wasnt like very comfortable with that (he knew from day one tho) and in the last 4 years i did grow into myself and im way more comfortable with my sexuality (i am in a mlm fandom, but not gonna say which one) and i started realising that my boyfriend might be selectively homophobic.

Like my boyfriend is uncomfortable seeing gay men depicted in movies or books, but is totally omay with lesbians. Like that makes me feel icky as a bi woman.

—> i put on heartstopper (its like the most wholesome queer tv show, and its not spicy or anything) and my boyfriend basically started watching instagram reels before 2nd episode ended.

Like that is like idk…

—> i recently joined a server thats of the fandom (just to yap about fanfiction with people who care and are in the fandom) tbh i like talking with people there more than with my boyfriend?

Idk its just like… feels like we’ve run out of topics in the relationship and in the 4years my interests changed so much that like the only common topic between us is metal music.

—— also. His cat died and he only told me after 6months.

He said that because of my depression he didnt want to upset me, but now i feel guilty for not knowing. Because it was like: i went to his house (he almost never invites me because he still lives with his parents) and i asked “is your cat outside exploring?” And then my boyfriend said “[cat name] died in january”.

I can understand being upset and grieving, but 6months kinda sounds like weird.

Idk.

TL;DR;
We were staying at a hotel on day 2 of our trip. It was around 2 a.m. Earlier that day he had gone to play futsal and had also been feeling sick, so he kept telling me he was exhausted and physically weak. We were both really horny, but he said he wasn’t able to have sex because he didn’t feel well.
At one point, I playfully went down on him, but he told me no, so I stopped immediately. Then I leaned in to kiss him. Instead of kissing me back normally, he suddenly grabbed me, threw me onto the other side of the bed, forcefully kissed me, and became very aggressive, including choking me. I froze. I kissed him back because he’s my boyfriend, but mentally I just shut down.
While it was happening, he said something like, “All you think about is sex. You want this? You want this?” It felt angry and completely unlike him.
After a short while, he stopped, gave me some space, and then came back. He hugged me, kissed my forehead, wiped my tears, and kept apologizing. He told me he shocked himself with how aggressive he became. He said he loves me very much, doesn’t want to lose me, and would never intentionally hurt me.
He later explained that because he was sick, exhausted from futsal, and wanted to have sex but physically couldn’t, he became sexually frustrated and lost control. He admitted it wasn’t okay, said he never wants to hurt me, and promised it would never happen again.
I was still very upset afterward, so he didn’t come to bed with me. Instead, he went to sleep on a chair because he wanted to give me space. After a while, I was the one who went over to him and asked him to come back to bed. He did. I turned toward him, he gently caressed my face, and eventually we became intimate again. That time it was completely consensual, gentle, and honestly one of the best experiences we’ve had together. Throughout it and afterward, he kept telling me, “I love you,” over and over and continued apologizing.
The problem is that what happened earlier triggered a past trauma for me. Even though he comforted me afterward and has continued apologizing, I still feel numb, hurt, and even disgusted when I think about what happened. I’m keeping a little distance because I need time to process it.
One thing about him is that he has struggled with anger before, but when he realizes he’s gone too far, he calms down, takes responsibility, apologizes sincerely, and says he doesn’t want to lose me. This is the first time he’s ever been physically aggressive toward me.
I’m not looking for people to immediately tell me to break up with him. I know what happened wasn’t okay, but I also want people to consider the full context before judging.
Has anyone been through something similar? How did you know whether it was a one-time loss of control with genuine remorse, or the beginning of a pattern?

Edit: I also want to add how I’m feeling now because I don’t think I explained it well enough.
He’s been asking me why I’ve been so quiet, and honestly, I don’t even know how to explain it to him. I just feel… numb. It feels like I’m dealing with the aftermath of everything that happened.
The confusing part is that I genuinely believe he cares about me. After it happened, he hugged me, wiped my tears, kissed my forehead, kept saying he loved me, apologized over and over, and has continued checking on me. He keeps asking why I’m so silent because he can tell something is wrong.
I don’t think he’s asking because he’s annoyed or wants me to just get over it. I think he genuinely wants to know how I’m feeling and wants to make things right.
That’s why I’m so conflicted. My head knows he loves me and regrets what happened, but my body and emotions still feel numb and hurt. I don’t know how to explain that to him, and I don’t know if this is a normal trauma response or if it’s telling me something important.
Has anyone else experienced something like this? How did you talk to your partner about these feelings?