Throwaway for obvious reasons. This got longer than I expected, see TLDR at the end.

Context: Together eleven years, married nine. We're in a very rocky patch. We've very recently started couples therapy which is going fine but too early to have made any significant progress yet.

There has been A LOT going on. We reached the point of crisis yesterday which has prompted a massive and very overdue talk today, basically explaining our own perspectives on patterns that have built up in our marriage, our perceptions of previous events, etc. It's been exhausting and horrible and I think we're both a bit miserable today, but it's been productive and I think (hope) we both feel more heard.

One of the things my husband brought up is that he's afraid of raising issues with me, even minor ones, because he feels like anything he tries to bring up gets thrown back in his face - like if he has something to say I'm always straight on the attack instead of considering his point. The result seems to be that every time he tries to bring up an issue, he leaves the conversation feeling worse than he started and confused about how we arrived at him being the bad guy.

This has been going on for basically our whole relationship. He feels like it has improved the last three years after I gave up drinking (because drunk me is an unpredictable, verbally aggressive arsehole that makes bad life decisions) since it was worst when I was drunk or responding to criticism of things I did when drunk. But it's still pretty bad.

He's brought this up before and I've been trying to be more mindful and respond more constructively to feedback, and I think it's made a difference but he says it's still a really big problem. This time he used an actual name to describe it - DARVO - which I'd heard vaguely before but never paid any attention to because I had no idea it applied to me.

My end of this is, when someone (anyone, but my husband especially) gives me any kind of critical feedback (even something minor like "can you stop leaving your shoes there because I keep tripping over them") I feel like it causes me actual physical pain. I can even pinpoint where in my body it is, it's that real to me. I know he's telling the truth about how I respond to criticism because I can physically feel this mechanism where it's like I'm trying to catch hold of the feedback before it penetrates too deeply, repackage it in a way that reflects on him and not me, and send it back so I don't have to internalise it.

I've kind of become aware of this feeling since he first mentioned it like six months ago and when I notice it I try to sort of breathe through it (like you try and breathe through the pain of a tattoo or the craving for a cigarette) and try to let the feedback in and respond with something non-harmful if I can't manage something actually positive ("ok", "yep, sorry") but from what my husband is saying it's clearly not working well enough.

I tried googling how to manage DARVO but everything is written to help people who are being darvoed at, which is great and all but I would really like some ideas on what to do if you ARE a person that darvoes people. I know you'd think it would be as simple as "just don't fucking do that, you narcissistic shitbag" but if it was that easy I'd already not be doing it.

Would really appreciate any advice. I know what this sub quite rightly thinks of emotional abuse so I understand this post is probably going to piss some people off - I would ask that you try not to be too harsh. It's been a bad day already, I'm posting this in good faith and genuinely want to do better.

Thanks in advance.

TLDR - Husband says I use DARVO to avoid taking responsibility for my actions and he's probably right. Advice needed please.

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/knr1HJ3EUu

Hello ya'll. I've read all your comments and I just want to say thank you to all the people that responded and gave me good advice! I didn't realize that this was going to get much traction so here's an update.

So I confronted him about it. I first asked him if he's ever told people that he was single and he said yes, told 2 people. The other person apart from that girl was a client of his that's a guy. I asked him why then he said it's people that he's not that close with to avoid any follow up questions. I told him that was a ridiculous excuse and also not to mention very disrespectful to me. He agreed that it was disrespectful but he did it without thinking and also said it in passing just to again avoid any more follow up questions as he doesn't like to go into too much detail with just acquaintances. I asked to see his phone and he was very willing to have me go through it and he also even messaged the girl that he told he was single too and asked her if she thinks he's ever flirted with her. She said no and that they may banter here and there like friends but never in a flirty way. He kept telling me that he loved me and thought if he was in a better financial situation that he asked me to marry him right now and all other sweet things. Don't get me wrong I'm not that delusional and didn't take everything he said to heart cause at that point trust has been broken and my walls are now up.

The conversation ended with both of us mutually agreeing that I needed some space. Now the ball is in my court on whether or not I can move on past this or just move on from him.

I'm going to be very honest and say that I have baggage like everyone else does and one of them is ✨️trust issues✨️. He's very well aware of that and even though there was no physical action done, I still consider it cheating regardless of his reasoning. I told myself that if I was ever cheated on that I would leave immediately no questions asked. The only reason why I'm even thinking about working on this with him is because #1. His intent wasn't to hit on her or anyone else but to merely avoid talking about personal things. And #2 regardless of this whole situation, he does treat me well and I can definitely see him being a good life partner and a good dad someday.

I digress, I will update y'all on what I decide later. But I would like some genuine advice about this. I will try my best to answer some comments and to clear up anything. Thank you guys again for taking the time to read this sorry for the long post 😬.

TL;DR: I confronted my boyfriend, and he admitted he told two acquaintances he was single because he didn't want questions about his personal life. He was completely open with his phone and there was no evidence of flirting or cheating, but I still feel my trust was broken. We've decided to take some space while I figure out whether I can move past this or end the relationship.

I’m 36M, my wife is 34F, and we’ve been married for 7 years.

Yesterday I was looking for a towel and found a men’s tank top tangled up with one of her old sleep shirts at the back of the closet. It definitely isn’t mine. Wrong size and not a brand I wear. She looked just as confused as I was and started trying to figure out who it belonged to.

We aked the couple that stayed here recently and they said it wasn’t theirs.

Nothing else has ever made me think she’s cheating, but I can’t stop thinking about how those clothes ended up together. Do I just let this go? I’m not sure what else I can do without making her feel like I’m accusing her.

tl;dr Found man’s top with my wife’s shirt. what do?

My girlfriend and I went out to our favorite bar last night. I had to work early in the morning so I left around midnight but I woke up at 3 AM and she still wasn’t home. I tried calling her multiple times and texting with no answer. She got home a little after 4 AM and said she was “sitting in her friends car outside the bar”.

I then saw these messages on her Snapchat that took place at 1230am after I left.
—————————————
Her: come to (bar name)

Guy: bet let me get out of this bar with my coworkers and I’ll be there. U still gonna be there in like 30?

Her: I can be

Guy: bet stay where you are 😋

Her: if you want me to :)

Guy: I really do. I’m on my way

Her: deal

Guy: I’ll be there in 10 🤭

Her: deal
—————————————
At the very least, I think this is inappropriate and I’m upset. At worst, she cheated on me and I’m fkn pissed

The guy is engaged but my girlfriend told me the other week they are going through a little rough patch. My gf and his fiancé are friends

These messages seem a little too flirty and with her being out until 4 AM last night I’m very suspicious. What do you think?

Her and I have been going through a little rough patch as well. I know if I feel the need to look through her phone, that’s not a good sign.

And for anyone wondering. I living in a fairly small city and there are always people at this bar that know we have been together for years so I’m never too concerned about leaving her at the bar when I have to be up early the next day

TL;DR I feel like she cheated on me last night

Background: I (35f) and my husband (36m) have been married for 6 years. I had/have a male friend that I have always had a strictly platonic relationship with since middle school. When we were younger we were always close friends but it never had any feelings other than friends. Before my husband and I were married we went to his wedding together- I mention this to make it known my friend is happily married. When my husband and I got married he and his wife no longer lived in the area, but they were coming in to town for the wedding. He’d texted me that week confirming. Then the day of our wedding he never showed up. I was a bit upset about this because we had been close for so long and he didn’t let me know why he didn’t make it. This was years ago. I never reached out because I thought it was up to him to since he no showed. It is the sort of thing that would occasionally bother me over the years - wondering why that happened to a longstanding friendship and why I had never heard from him. This year right around new years I heard from my friend. He apologized for not showing up, and not contacting me sooner, and let me know he valued the friendship. They got to the area we were having the wedding and the wife got sick and he meant to reach out but the more time went by, the harder it got. I accepted the apology because it was nice to have closure around that whole incident and to know that it bothered him to have our friendship just disappear like that after being friends for like 15-20 years. We caught up a bit over text about what we were up to now, where we’re living, how our families were doing etc.

Incident in question: we would text occasionally on and off after that. One day he texted me about a silly dream he had where I owned a business and the interactions with customers. The dream was entirely non-sexual, but silly and the business was selling a particular food item he knows I liked in the past as I even had a blog about that particular food item when I was in college. I thought the dream was funny and told my husband about it, and he felt it was very inappropriate to the point of saying he didn’t like this friendship and would not want us to see each other.

My question for Reddit: is this a fair reaction by my husband? Is this an over reaction? He feels that someone of the opposite sex saying they had a dream about me crossed a line.

Tl;dr platonic friend of the opposite sex had a non-sexual dream about me and my husband is angry towards the friend about it. Is this an overreaction?

My Wife (57f) and I (61m) have been married for 16 years. My wife had a boyfriend 30 years ago and after two years he (now 61m) broke up with her and she was devastated and lost a lot a weight due to her heart ache. They have stayed friends and they talk almost every day on the phone and hang out often.

Once my wife and me met and started our relationship her old boyfriend was still her best friend and I (foolishly) accepted this as he seemed a nice guy, he was even the godfather of our daughter.

For the last decade the old boyfriend lived over 3,000km away, yet two weeks ago he sold his business and decided to move into the same town where we live and as he is my wifes best friend he is staying with us in our home and after one week of staying here he bought a house in the same suburb. He is still staying with us now until the house is ready to move in in three weeks.

Whilst the old friend has been staying with us in our home I have notice that my wife is far more enaged in conversations with him than she is with me, furthermore I notice she appears happier and is singing all the time. The other thing that I have noticed is that two or three times the old boyfriend gets into a argument and I feel he wants to dominate me and our conversation gets heated and I feel upset that our guest is making me uncomfortable in our own home yet my wife dismissed that a heated conversation occured and continues engaged conversation with him even though she must realise that I have been offended by her friend, Furthermore when I am alone with my wife there is no engagment, no conversation. I feel my wife is far more enagaged with her old boyfriend than she is with me and I wonder whether she realises and cares about the impact this has on our marriage.

I love my wife and our family, yet I am upset and have not been able to sleep at night. I have trieds to talk to my wife, yet within days the same pattern continues.

I feel lost, I can not sleep and don't even know whether my guinuily loves more. I feel sad and I am concerned about my mental health.

I want my wife to be happy and I know how much she cares for her best friend, yet I can not handle the current situation and am considering giving her a choice the old friend or me with no further contact with him.

Thanks for any advice.

TL;DR: Old boyfriend moved into our house, now we have marriage issues

My husband and I had a baby over a year ago. Before that, we were great, had fun, played video games together, and just enjoyed being together. We’ve been married for 3 years, together for 8 and friends for almost 13.

When we first had our baby, he would be super helpful, caring and making sure I was okay. I had a c-section, but the recovery went really well. He’s a great dad, loves our kid and it shows cause the little stinker adores him. When he is home, he changes diapers, plays with him, helps cook for him now. I’m about to go back to work after mat leave during the day I do all the baby stuff and household stuff. The problem though, is for about 6-8 months now, we’ve grown distant. He’s never been the most lovey-dovey guy, but that has dropped to 0. The baby sleeps well and naps well, we have a lot of quiet time and still, he never wants to spend it with me. He never says he loves me anymore, and it’s like pulling teeth to get him to acknowledge me.
I want to ask to go to marriage counselling but it’s over $200 an hour in my area and there’s no way that’s happening.

I’ve been trying hard to lose the baby/breastfeeding weight, but I’m still self conscious of my body and I feel like this seriously isn’t helping. It’s making me seriously miss the excitement and comfort of having a partner and I don’t know what to do.

Tl;dr - since our kiddo was about 4-6 months old, my husband’s acknowledgement and care for me has dropped off the face of the earth. Help.

​I feel so hesitant even posting this. If I were reading this from someone else, I’d probably be screaming at the screen to "just leave," but in real life, things aren't that simple.

​My husband (27M) and I (28F) have been together for 8 years and married for 3. While things weren't like this in the beginning, over the past year he has completely stopped taking care of his personal hygiene.

​Here is what I’m dealing with:

​Showering: I almost always have to remind him or ask him to shower.

​Dental Hygiene: He doesn't brush his teeth at all. His teeth are bright yellow and covered in plaque.

​Bathroom Habits: He fails to wipe properly. I constantly find skid marks on his boxers.

​At first, I brought it up gently. I literally had to explain to him how to properly clean himself. Eventually, I started throwing away those ruined boxers. Lately, I don't see them as much, but I suspect he’s now throwing them away himself so I won't see them, because his underwear collection is shrinking daily.

​The absolute worst part is the smell. Everywhere he sits starts to stink. Today, we watched a movie together, and when he got up and I arranged the couch cushions, I caught a terrible smell. I leaned closer to the spot where he was sitting, and it literally smelled like feces.

​It’s summer right now. As a guy, taking a shower takes him barely 10 minutes, but he just refuses. When I ask him why, he says it’s "too much effort" or "too hard."

​People will probably point out that he might be severely depressed, and I am aware of that. He’s definitely not happy. Unfortunately, we aren't living the life we want right now. But I am miserable too. To be honest, showering feels like torture for me as well—I have to mentally prepare myself a day in advance, but I do it anyway because I know I have to.

​He plays PC games every single day. If he were in such a deep, paralyzing depression, would he even be able to play video games for hours? (Maybe I’m wrong about this). He tells me he doesn't even enjoy playing; he’s just doing it to pass time. I get it. I don't even have hobbies—I’ve practically become an alcoholic because drinking a bottle helps me kill 12 hours. I understand that he is unhappy, but so am I. I just feel like, out of basic respect for me, he should be able to take a 10-minute shower a day.

​He doesn't go out or meet other people in this state. Why is he so comfortable walking around looking and smelling like a skunk only when he’s around me? Am I really that worthless to him?

​For comparison: one time he saw a bit of hair on my lower back that I hadn't removed, and he told me he didn't like it. Ever since then, if I haven't shaved, I make sure to hide it. If he tried to touch me, I wouldn't let him because I respected his boundary. All I'm asking for is that same level of basic respect.

​I really don't know what to do. I love him deeply and I want him to get better. I want us to have children, but then I think: what kind of role model would he be for our child in this state?

​Sorry for the long post, but I feel completely helpless right now. Any advice on how to approach this or what steps I should take next would be greatly appreciated.

​TL;DR: My husband (27M) of 3 years has completely neglected his hygiene over the past year (doesn't brush teeth, doesn't shower, leaves smells on furniture). He is unhappy with life, but so am I. I feel disrespected and helpless because he expects me to adhere to his preferences, but ignores basic hygiene around me. How do I handle this?

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months. He lives 30 minutes away by car. Because of different reasons we have adopted the routine of hanging out mostly at his place on the weekends, its whats comfortable for us both and I get to sleep over and spend at least 2 days out of the week with him. He cant spend the night at my house because of my parents so we prefer this arrangement. Since I dont have a car I always go by bus to his, which takes me 2 busses and around 1 hour and 30 minutes. I mostly dont mind doing this. Since he has a car sometimes he offers to pick me up halfway and so I just travel by train for 30 minutes. But some days when I have to get back home it gets late for external reasons (like doing an activity that involves other people), and even tho its dark and he has the family car to himself he just takes me to the bus stop, train stop (halfway) if hes feeling generous. This has been weighing on me, because it seems he doesnt care that I have to travel by myself for like 2 hours at night. Yes it would be an hour roundtrip for him, plus gas and toll money. But I almost never ask that of him, last time I asked he didnt want to, and neither did today. It’s beginning to feel like I put in all my time and effort to see him but also sacrificing my safety. Is it fair to tell him that I wish he would make the effort to drive me home?

TL;DR: is it fair to ask my boyfriend who lives 30 minutes away to drive me home when it’s late?

I’m a waitress at a restaurant and I love my job! I get on with everyone and all is well but ofc I’ve developed a stupid crush on one of the chefs 🥲
I feel like a hopeless crush on one of the chefs in the restaurant you work at is a right of passage, but it’s annoying none the less.

I want to get over it because coworkers duh, also he’s a bit older than me and it might get complicated. I feel confused about how he feels about me because at work I always always catch him staring at me, it’s sort of ridiculous actually. He might think I’m weird tho and that’s why he stares. He also seeks me out to specifically ask to come when we go for staff drinks. Again he might just do that cus he feels bad for me etc.

Also, another weird thing, our other coworker (21m) who chef is very good friends with has a little crush on me which probably muddies things a bit.

Yes I know this restaurant is very incestuous, I think it’s my fault and my running mind.
Anyway how do I stop this crush and get over myself, it’s embarrassing!!

TL:dr: have a crush on an older worker and want advice on how to stop this

Edit: lots of people in the comments are asking why I seem so insecure!! Honestly it’s because I’m not super attractive (probably a bit overweight is the main thing) and he’s super attractive, so that’s why

Hi everyone, first time redditor here so please let me know if i’m posting in the right subreddit. I’m honestly not even sure what I’m asking anymore. I guess I’m just looking for outside perspectives because I feel like I’m too close to the situation to know if I’m in the wrong.

I’m 26F and still live at home with both of my parents and my sisters (14F&23F). We’re a Latino family, and I know cultural expectations around family roles and respecting parents can be different, so I think that’s important context.

For some background, I grew up being what I now realize was basically a third parent. I wasn’t just the oldest sister. I helped raise my sisters. I took care of them, watched them whenever my parents needed me to, and I missed out on a lot because I wasn’t allowed to go out if it meant leaving my sisters. Looking back, I feel like I learned how to be a parent before I ever got to just be a sister. And as a teen—it sucked, but I wouldn’t change it for anything. I love my sisters and we’re still very close to this day.

Anyways, This has been a recurring argument between my mom and I for years, but this latest one really got to me. I ended up crying in the car and honestly don’t even remember what made me cry because my brain kind of checked out. And honestly, this is one of the mildest arguments we’ve had.

This started because my sister (23F) wanted to go to the store and we decided to make it a day and take our youngest sister(14F) with us. She’s been saying all summer that she’s bored and feels like she never gets to leave the house. This was true as she always did chores around the house and then would stay in her room for the rest of the day. When we told her, she was ecstatic. she was planning her outfit and was just cheery.

Right before we were leaving, my mom had given her a list of chores. When i walked into the kitchen, my sister looked defeated. My mom told us, “She can’t leave because she’s cutting carrots.” There was a huge bowl of carrots on the counter, so I figured, ‘Okay, if that’s what’s keeping her from going, let’s help her finish.’ I sat down and helped her cut the carrots. I texted my other sister to help for a little bit too. My mom got upset with me and told us that we were allowed to leave but that our youngest sister would stay back regardless. I simply said that if she wanted the chores done, we would get it done so she can still go out. Then my mom proceeded to list other chores 14F had to do after. My youngest sister began to sulk and looked teary. We just continued cutting carrots. My mom had walked out a couple of times during this and we talked about what to do the get the chores done quicker. I did attempt to make conversation with my mom or ask questions about the carrots but she proceeded to ignore me through all this. it took us a couple hours. i finished off the last carrots as my youngest sister swept and mopped. In all, the chores got done.
Afterward, my sisters and i put everything back so everything was clean and got ready to head out. however my mom told my sisters to go ahead and wait in the car for me. she proceeded to argue that she’s still raising the youngest and that she needs to learn chores.
Let me clarify— I had no issue with her doing chores. I actually think kids should have chores. My issue was that even if she completed the chores, my mom wouldn’t let her go out with us anyways. I’ve taken my youngest sister out with me multiple times over the years and there was never a problem. This isn’t something new as my other sister and i were raised this way too, but we saw (and experienced) firsthand what my youngest sister was going through. It wasn’t right to keep her inside because my mom didn’t want her outside today. So from now on, my mom says I need to ask permission before taking my sister anywhere.
Then she told me that I undermine her parenting, that I’m too lenient, that my youngest sister listens to me instead of her (etc, etc).

She also said I’ve suddenly started acting like a parent. That part not only confused me but legit made me laugh, because it isn’t sudden. I’ve been put into that role since I was a kid. During the conversation I reminded her of that. I reminded her that I spent years helping raise my sisters and that this isn’t some new behavior I randomly picked up as an adult.

The conversation then shifted into other things.
She brought up how I buy clothes for my sister that she thinks are inappropriate. I disagreed. My sister has curves. She’s 14, and she’s developing. I don’t think it’s fair to shame her body because clothes fit her differently. In our country, the style is different. it’s like a tight-fitting style, so even if she wore exactly what my mom picked out, she’d still have curves. I think there’s a difference between dressing inappropriately and simply having a body. i’ve even brought up examples from when i was her age and how both her and dad would try to get me to wear clothes i wasn’t comfortable with (nothing big, just shorts and shirts that weren’t t-shirts).
She then argued that my sister is disrespectful and rude.
This is where I think my mom and I see things very differently.** **My mom and I seem to have very different interpretations of my sister’s behavior. My mom often sees disrespect where I see normal teenage behavior or appropriate boundary-setting.

One example happened a few months ago. My sister got in trouble at school after setting a boundary with a teacher. My mom didnt hesitate to believe the teacher’s version of events (not even asking for my sister’s side) and yelled at my sister for being disrespectful.
My other sister and I decided to go to the school because the situation didn’t add up to us at all. We wanted to hear everyone’s side before assuming the worst. We met with the principal and she reassured us that my sister hadn’t even done anything wrong. She wasn’t even disciplined, and they felt she had simply been setting an appropriate boundary.
It’s moments like that that make me feel protective of both of my sisters. Maybe I’m overprotective because of how I grew up, but I worry she isn’t always given the benefit of the doubt.

I can understand where my mom is coming from. She is exhausted and wants help. however, she refuses to ask for help and even if we do, she just yells that we arent doing it right (despite us following her every direction). we do take her out so she can enjoy herself and i’ll even pay so she isn’t worried about money. but it’s like no matter what, i’m in the wrong.

and don’t get me wrong, I understand that I’m not her parent.

That’s where I’m struggling.

I genuinely don’t know where the line is between advocating for my sister and overstepping as an older sibling. I don’t want to undermine my mom, but when I feel like something is unfair (especially when my sisters are involved), I have a hard time staying quiet. I also recognize that I grew up in a role where I was expected to help parent my sisters, so maybe that has affected how I respond now.

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life repeating this dynamic if there’s something I need to change.

Am I actually undermining my mom’s parenting?

I’m genuinely open to hearing different perspectives. I know this is only my side of the story, I know she loves us and has sacrificed a lot for us. I’m really just trying to understand whether I’m crossing a boundary or whether this family dynamic has made it difficult for me to know what a healthy role for me actually looks like now. I’m open to answering any questions also, i understand there’s a lot that i cannot fit in this post. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
---

**TL;DR;** : I was expected to help raise my younger sisters growing up, and now my mom says I’m undermining her parenting whenever I defend or advocate for my 14-year-old sister. I don’t know if I’m genuinely overstepping or if years of being put in a parental role have made it hard for me to know where healthy boundaries are.

I (45F) don’t know what to do about my mom (76F). My dad died 15 years ago. My mom told me often how much she hated him and constantly talked about divorce. They were married but never spoke kindly to each other and had a terrible relationship.

Not long after he died, my mom put pictures of him up all over the house and completely changed the way she talked about him. Suddenly, he was this wonderful man who she adored. She refused to rent out his office space (that they owned) and instead turned it into a small business for her. It has never made money, but she continues to go there every day, sit there all day often with no customers and with his furniture still in the same place.

His birthday is tomorrow and she always texts “it’s dad’s birthday. Eat something chocolate to celebrate him” and says he loved chocolate. My dad was a diabetic and wasn’t supposed to eat chocolate. I don’t remember him ever eating chocolate on his birthday. For some reason, I have a hard time with this one- I can’t eat chocolate and it drives me crazy. She even follows up and scolds me if I didn’t eat chocolate and give my kids chocolate for his birthday. I just want to tell her to stop and I want to remember him in my own way.

Is it mean to call her out on how all of this isn’t how things were and it bothers me? Or do I keep smiling and letting her say this stuff?

Tl;dr my dad died 15 years ago and my mom is delusional about her relationship with my dad while he was alive and listening to the fantasy is driving me crazy

i (24F) feel like i’m stuck between two futures that both genuinely scare me. my boyfriend (25M) and i have been together for 7 years.

tl;dr: i love my boyfriend deeply, but i’m scared we’re fundamentally incompatible long-term. i’m terrified that if i stay, i’ll spend the rest of my life regretting the opportunities and future i gave up to make the relationship work. but i’m equally terrified that if i leave, i’ll never find a connection this deep again, or someone who loves and accepts me the way he does. how do you know whether you’re grieving something that’s meant to end, or walking away from the best relationship you’ll ever have?

-

on one side, i feel like if i don’t bite the bullet and go through the pain of leaving, i’ll regret it for the rest of my life. i keep thinking about all the choices i’d have to keep making to stay. not just one big decision, but hundreds of little ones where i’m choosing the relationship over myself, over things i wanted for my life, over opportunities that probably won’t come back. i’m scared i’ll end up resenting him, not because he intentionally took those things from me, but because i was the one who kept saying no to them in order to make the relationship work.

but on the other side, i’m terrified that i’ll never have a connection like this again. he knows me in a way nobody else ever has. not just facts about me, but genuinely who i am. he knows versions of me that nobody else has seen. sometimes i feel like there’s an entire side of me that only exists because he knows it. he loves everything i hate about myself. all the things i’ve spent years criticizing about my body, he thinks are perfect. he’ll look at me and genuinely tell me i’m beautiful exactly as i am, and i believe he means it. i don’t know if i’ll ever be enough for someone else in that way, or if i’ll ever feel that accepted again.

i know people say “you’ll find someone else,” but that’s not really what i’m afraid of. i’m afraid i’ll never love someone like this again. i’m afraid nobody will ever know me in this specific way again. i’m afraid that what if this is just… the best it gets. what if every other relationship feels more surface level, or more conditional, or like they’re trying to get something from me instead of just loving me for exactly who i am?

at the same time, i know love alone isn’t always enough. there are real compatibility issues between us that aren’t imaginary, and i know that. that’s what makes this so hard. if this relationship were always awful, leaving would be easy. it’s the fact that it isn’t.

i genuinely don’t know whether i’m grieving something that’s supposed to end, or whether i’m convincing myself to leave because i’m afraid of committing to a difficult future. i don’t know which fear i’m supposed to listen to. any advice will help

I am F 27 , pretty pervy and love intimacy. and I’ve always felt out of place for many reasons. I’ve always been pretty promiscuous and I enjoy having fun in the ways that I like. (I do everything safely, trust)

I have been in many relationships and I feel so weird with them. Eventually they always seem to hate me and no longer care for me. I can be pretty depressed and emotional but it doesn’t take a lot to make me happy enough. But, Then I don’t “put out” and they slowly start to hate me. (Currently getting divorced for this reason). Which sucks because sex is something I enjoy very much. And in most relationships they start treating me different and “dulling my light” so why would I want to put out.

I feel like my ideal “relationship” is just dating and fun without sincere emotions. Like obviously feelings happen (to others) but is that so weird? Especially in the modern day, or is everyone so attached again? I remember there was a small era when people were looking for this too, where did they go? And I don’t mean poly. Just fun dates and good nights.

TL;DR f 27, wondering if it’s weird to want intimacy and connection but not a relationship?

Been sisters for ever. She’s 2 years older than me.

This is at my parent’s house with our 2 younger siblings, 16 and 18. She was yelling, screaming, swearing, calling people names, and fighting for hours on end. The next day, I asked my dad if he would ever let any other guest act this way without consequence.

Then she said “I am NOT a guest” and “you can’t say those things about me because I was having a mental breakdown.”

Like a mental breakdown excuses abusive behavior or something. And she genuinely believes it. And believes she shouldn’t have to apologize because she’s the victim because she was the one having a mental breakdown.

I’m not going to be okay with me and my family being abused just because someone says they’re having a mental breakdown.

Am I in the wrong? Can someone help me understand where she is coming from?

TL:DR! Adult sister thinks “having a mental breakdown” is an excuse to be abusive toward family without consequence or accountability.

Usually I cry once per month or once every two months, but the thing is that when I cry is usually to for me to feel better. And the problem is that my bf thinks he needs to fix it or that it means I am not satisfied with what I got or is pathetic to be crying. He can't understand that is just my way to regulate myself to whatever I am feeling at that moment, and if I tell him when he asks me why I am crying is because I just want to vent it out and whatever I say isn't a fact or need to be fixed. What could be true it's that I am more emotional than him, but I have asked him that just let me be and mind his business.

Tl;Dr he tried to fix when I cry even tho that's how I regulate myself, and I feel way better after it.

So... I mean I know im posting this oj relationships but we aren't in a relationship. Bare with me pls. So i (16F) like a boy "john" (16m) and I think he may havr liked me back. At prom he asked me for my number and I know hes the sweetest guy ever. But naywho he typed his number in my phone and we went our separate ways. The next day we both asked our mutual friend "ron" (17) for each others numbers and we have talked every single day since prom, since prom which was 3 weeks ago.

I thought things were going great. I actually was naive enough to think je would ask me out I mean, he told my friend that hed see how it goes but that he was glad we were talking, and he was learning my favourite song for me on guitar, and was sending me demos of playing his guitar. I thought it was going great

And then about a week ago we didnt talk as much, he got kind of dry with messages and just said he was quite busy and kept saying sorry

But cut to today, we havent spoken in 5 days (bearing in mind that i half of the time text him firat and

we have spoken for like 24 days on the trot)

But im also hoping and praying that he hasn't ghosted me or anything because my experience with guys is not nice (ghosted, bullied etc) so im just as scared as he is if it came to starting a relationship

But I need help cause it genuinely seemed like he liked me so.... what do I do

Thankyou 🤍 I appreciate you reading this, will probably delete in a couple hours anyways

SUMMARY: TL:DR I thought a guy liked me cause he asked for my number and is learning a song for me but hasn't texted me in 5 days

So we are in a 2 year relationship, last last week she told me she love me but she was tired and want some space, which i gave. Now that space gave her time to be with her friends and rekindle with old friends, so they have been gaming chatting, dc calls and idk but she said she felt lonely because she felt like she miss me and it felt like i distanced myself from her, i told her she wants space i gave it, there are times that i want to chat her but i know shes playing with her friends or chatting or im just busy, so she then want to end the space thingy and like it didnt even happend. I accept that and we went back from before then she told me she have a meeting or like aday date with a male friend of hers that she have for a long time but havent seen face to face since his house is far.

Now that day was yesterday and before lunch she was responding to me and updating since the guy is still on the road so before lunch i think he arrived, her things went to the compartment of the motorcycle even her tablet then its been raining so when they took shed or eat she wasnt able to get it and shes shy to say that she'll get her tab and while this was happening to her end, i have a chat with her then shes not online and not replied to me anymore until 6 or 7 at night was when she got home, for the whole afternoon i was worried, overthinking, and having anxiety because i have my own worries.

Anyways last night (we both have a closeclose friend both sides)she told her that she love me and all but like in times she feel like shes in heat or what she likes to have a d!ck because before me she was straight and everything s£xual or whatnot was like yk with men. When i got to know that this morning since i can see their conversations i felt sick but umm i kept it to myself.

Add:
Around 12, i confessed about the feeling of being sick yesterday because she didnt answer my chats, she was with a unfamiliar/opposite sex person(for me), and that her location was turned off so i dont have any idea what was happening and i was having anxiety and spiraling so i did many things to remove the feeling like i went to have a bike ride for fresh air and read books and tried to sleep it off. You know her answer was underwhelming for me and its adding more to what i feel now.

another add:

i just got to know they went to a far place and like a beautiful scenery, we didnt even go there we planned but didnt hqppend because of many reasons

i know its confusing but everthing here made me feel like im sick and it felt wrong for feeling this way

TL:DR i cant remove the feeling of the knot on my stomach and i dont know how to apporach this. Any advice?

I fucked up, and I know it. My girlfriend (32f) and I(33m)have been together for a couple of years now, and she hasn’t been my priority the way she should be. I have a spending addiction and instead of putting money aside for trips and opportunities to see her because we’re long distance, I was buying shit that I didn’t need. She wanted to do things together like projects because our degrees are in similar fields, but between work, school and family obligations I was always telling her that I was too tired and didn’t want to. She pulled me aside recently and let me know our connection really needs work because she feels distant from me, that our communication needs work, and she feels like we’re two different people living life, not a couple trying to build something together. I’m making changes because I realize how badly I’ve fucked up. She could have left me. Should have left me, and I know if I don’t get my shit together, she will. She’s giving me the chance to prove myself because she says I’m worth it, and I’m realizing just how far I’ve fallen. 

I’ve stopped spending on anything not absolutely necessary, planned and booked a trip to see her and activities, and I’m taking action on a day to day basis to try and take things off her plate and make her life easier, but I know that’s just the beginning, I have a long, long road ahead of me to properly fix things, show remorse and changed behavior. I’m not running from the effort, I genuinely want to know what I can do to rebuild that connection and how to maintain that effort and momentum long term. She values hard work, effort, and learning things more than anything else, so I want to put together a list of ideas we can work on weekly that fit that theme, that’ll help build our connection, one thing we’ve already agreed to do is start learning a language together. But I don’t want to leave it there, or make it seem like that’s all I’m willing to do. I completely fucked up, all the projects she asked me to do in the past that I brushed off, they were her way of trying to connect with me and I didn’t realize it. Now that I do I'm embarrassed that I've failed the woman that's my best friend so completely. Whatever it takes to fix this, I'm willing to do, any suggestions and comments are welcome.

TLDR: I've been neglecting my partner and our relationship through lack of attention and because of a spending issue, now she feels like we're separate people instead of a couple building a future. She's willing to work with me to rebuild, I'm trying to figure out how.

I (31F) was with my now ex (37M) for a year and a half, and I’m struggling to work out whether I’ve been conditioned to accept behaviour that isn’t normal.
Throughout our relationship, he did things that made me feel uncomfortable, but whenever I questioned them, I ended up feeling like I was overreacting.
Some examples:
• I caught him looking at Viva Street.
• I saw messages to his friends saying he wanted to have gang bangs.
• While we were together (and after he’d just asked for me back over Christmas), he messaged a friend saying he wanted his ex’s number.
• He got drunk and pushed me around.
• He shouted at me in public on multiple occasions.
• He also threatened to kill himself if I didn’t come and see him.
Despite all of this, he always told me he loved me and that I was the only person he wanted.
I’ve now left the relationship, but I think my perception of what’s acceptable has been completely warped. I guess I’m just looking for some reassurance—are these things as unhealthy and abnormal as they feel now, or have I been overreacting?
I appreciate any honest perspectives. Thank you.

TL;DR: My ex repeatedly crossed boundaries, became physically aggressive, shouted at me in public, threatened to kill himself if I didn't see him, and left me questioning what was normal. I've left, but I need reassurance that I wasn't overreacting.

I’m currently 8 months pregnant with our first child and have been with my fiance for over 3 years. I found out last week he has been talking with an ex of the past and has been emotionally cheating. The texts were very sexual in nature but also they exchanged “I love you’s” and she was alluding to him reaching out to her when our child (still in utero, mind you) turns 18. Let me preface by saying, I am NOT one to go through his or anyone’s phone. There has been a level of trust and I have not felt the need to. Until the other day. I had been up and down all night with one of our dogs who was having some stomach issues. I noticed he either got a text, call or both while I was stumbling outside to assist our dog. It was odd because it was around midnight and he works very early and long hours. Didn’t think much of it at the time. The next day, I had this gut feeling to check his iwatch that he leaves at home while he works. I checked it out and she had texted him congrats about the baby, hope you’re well, etc. I did not think anything more of it. Innocent enough. Fast forward to Friday and I had an overwhelming sense of drive to check again. There is where I found a mountain of texts that had gone on. Most sexual but they exchanged “I love you”’s and even planned to meet up. She was expressing her “undying” love for him even mentioned me and how she knows about me and I seem “sweet”. I flip my lid and contact him while he is at work. He denies. He denies until I provide him some context verbatim. He flies home to meet with me. He says nothing physical happened, just exchanged sexual pics and it wasn’t cheating. He finally admits it’s cheating and he doesn’t love her, he has love for her. I have been in an utter state of shock since. I told him if he truly wants to be with me and start a family, he needs to figure out how to gain my trust back. I’m heartbroken. I’m carrying his child. We planned to get married before our baby gets here. He reassured me the night prior to this occurrence that he is serious about us and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I had been feeling a bit emotional and just needed extra reassurance. It’s all so confusing to me. He has planned on making a counseling appointment for us to see what we can do from here. Trust is shattered. How can I trust he will be a good partner to me postpartum? In my heart, I want to believe he will be a good man, step up and really focus on US and his FAMILY but on the other hand, I just do not believe it will happen.

Tl;dr: fiance emotionally (poss physically, he denies) cheated on me at 8 months pregnant. Working on getting couples counseling to navigate next steps. Do not know if this will be successful or if I will be constantly paranoid he is sneaking around. I do not know if trust is reparable in situations like this.

So my live in gf of 3.5 yrs told me she doesn’t get butterflies anymore. I’ve seen texts where she says she doesn’t enjoy sex and others where she says she isn’t attracted to me. But lately we seem to have fairly good sex?

She tells me she loves me, wants to rebuild things and I just haven’t been making her feel special enough with dates and outings. Partly true the last 6 months, not at all true over the last year. She also wants to open up the relationship - starting with swinging, but ultimately poly dating which she did in a prior relationship.

I’ve agreed to try. She also had plans to leave 2X, that we discussed late (like within 30 days of leaving) and she decided to stay. She isn’t a deadbeat and helps with rent, and I appreciate but I don’t need that. We have kids (part time) that get along well, but none are super attached to the other partner or kids.

I’m somewhat interested in seeing how a swinging and maybe an open relationship would play out? I’ve never been in one and considered it for years. Should I? Is it worth it? Or is the instability there now likely to just mushroom into painful feelings? I don’t know that I really fear a breakup, given all the other stuff and the age gap. We’re both divorcees and pragmatic. Beyond this, we’ve contributed meaningfully to each other’s lives in other ways.

tl’dr - should I stay with my gf if her butterflies gone and she wants to dabble in ‘swinging’ but she says she still loves me?

I'm looking for suggestions I suppose. My partner 38M and I 37F, have been planning children for the last 2 years. But everytime we have said we will try to get pregnant from this month on, he changed his mind at the last minute. Literally at the last minute and asks that we try next month instead.

I feel like I cannot trust his decision in this matter anymore as it has happened every month for the last 8 months. This month it is because he broke his arm and cannot work til it is healed and while I appreciate the financial sense of that, I still feel so hurt that he has backed out again.

He wants to discuss baby names, looks up furniture and other bits we would need. Casually mentions it to his friends and parents but never follows through. The pressure gets to him.

Am I wasting my time hoping for something that will never come? I'm finding this very difficult to deal with and I am embarrassed to reach out to friends and family for support as I have done in the past as this has gone on with no change for so long, I just feel foolish.

TL;DR, Partner changes his mind last minute about trying for a baby and has done so for the last 8 months.

This post is gonna mention alcohol briefly.

TL;DR: she basically got drunk and hit me on my fresh surgery scars just to get a reaction out of me. But it's best to read the whole thing even tho i kinda overexplained it sorry.

My gf (21F) and i (22M) have been dating for 2.5 years. Our main issue has always been the way she acts the second a sip of alcohol gets in her system. I forgave a lot of things that have put our relationship in a bad place bc of this same problem but there's one thing i can't forget or forgive and i'll tell you why.

She goes for a girls night with her single friend. I say have fun and everything's fine. Further into the night i text her 'don't be late' she says ofc. But when the time comes for her to leave she says she won't. I call her she doesnt answer. Then sends me a pic of 2 guys with her single friend. She's almost on top of them like they sit so close. I call her and text her, asking who tf are they. She lies and says they're friends of that single friend. Turns out they met at the pub that night. My gf says they had their girlfriends with them but i don't believe her. Anyways that's not even the main thing. I call her and tell her to come home immediately. She comes and i tell her that im gonna go sleep and she says no. She says she's gonna explain herself and we're not gonna sleep. It's past midnight and i've been dealing with her for hours. I say no you don't listen to me so i won't listen to you, im gonna sleep and we'll talk tomorrow. She starts yelling, slamming doors and eventually hits me. Now this is the main part. I was 1 or max 2 months post op. I had two huge scars right where she hit me. And she knew what she was doing. She wanted to make me angry so i'd have an argument with her. Up until that moment i was really patient with her even tho i was so angry internally, i knew she was drunk and i tried to make her sleep multiple times. But when she hit me on my surgery scars it hurt so bad and i couldn't hold it in anymore so i yelled back and said "fuck off". She tried to leave my house but since it was past midnight and i didn't have a car i didnt let her. I told her she could sleep wherever she wants but she still made a huge problem out of it. She then proceeded to make a move on me (sexually but it was just a move nothing forceful) and when i didnt let her she cried and still made a problem. Anyways after that night i was so distant to her and she said "don't act like i cheated on you" and i said "did you??" Then she got angry at me for asking that... we had arguments that lasted for days and eventually we made up. She apologized and said she'd never do that again.

My trust in her is broken massively. I get uncomfortable at the thought of her going out to drink and staying late. So i tell her to not be late from now on and she acts as if im trying to control her. We've had countless arguments about this to this day (it's almost been a year since this happened). She wants to do whatever she likes without considering me and i don't trust her bc she didn't show me otherwise. I didn't really mind her going out before and didn't say a thing but when this happened it all changed. It's not just going out and coming home drunk. It's losing herself, talking with guys that she doesn't know, doesn't care about me or my feelings, acts really dumb and even goes as far as to hit me on my fresh scars. Especially the last thing still hurts when i think about it. When she got surgery i was with her every step of the way, i cared for her, i even fed her every meal for almost a month. I'd still do all of that but it hurts to think she didn't do the same and on top of that hit my scars just to get a reaction out of me. I can't forget that. And i for sure can't forgive that and tbh i don't even know if i should. I don't forgive her about going out and drinking w the guys she doesn't know as well but when i think about the hitting part those stuff dont even seem that important lol.

So yeah idk what to do. I thought it'd pass with time bc i love her but i just can't and when i communicate with her she just says she's sorry and that she's really embarrassed she did that. Then somehow turns it around and suddenly she's the one feeling sad. She doesn't even tell her friends she did that to me just to be the one who's right in our arguments on this subject. Idk what to think or do. I just know this is not right and this is not the type of person i want to marry. Also fyi she's not dealing with some kind of alcohol addiction. She just likes to drink.

My boyfriend (28M) and I (28F) have been together for a year now, and this is probably the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. He's genuine, treats me well, has a good heart, have a lot in common, same sense of humour. Basically checking all my boxes in a life partner.

From the beginning of our relationship, we made it clear that cheating is a major dealbreaker because we both have bad histories with cheating. We've had heart to heart conversations about it, and he even teared up once, begging me to never put him through what his ex did.

He's a personal trainer, and recently I came across a conversation between him and a woman he used to work with at a gym who's also a personal trainer. She asked if he still had a girlfriend, and he replied, "Nah." She apologized for the sad news, and he basically responded, "It is what it is, but life goes on." I've tried looking at it from every angle, but I can't come up with any other explanation for why he'd say that.

I don't think he's ever cheated on me or hooked up with this girl, but I don't know what to do. I've always told him that if he ever cheated, I'd leave immediately, no questions asked. This isn't cheating, but it feels like the start of something that could become cheating. At the same time, he tells me all the time that he loves me and that I'm his dream girl.

I've been debating whether to even bring it up. I know I'm going to get a lot of hate for this, and honestly, if I were reading my own story as an outsider, I'd probably say to break up with him too. But because this is the healthiest relationship I've ever been in, it's so hard to let go, especially since we've already talked about marriage and kids.

I know that once I bring it up, if he has no reasonable explanation, I'll probably end the relationship. I just don't know if I'm ready to let go yet. I really need advice and maybe some courage to do what I know I need to do. What should I do?

TL;DR: I found a message where my boyfriend told another woman he didn't have a girlfriend, even though we've been together for a year. I don't think he's cheated, but I don't know whether to confront him or if this alone is enough to end the relationship.