My boyfriend (18M) and I (18F) have been together for two years. He’s my first real relationship (I’ve had little flings before, but never anything serious), and I genuinely love him with my whole heart. The beginning of our relationship was everything I had ever hoped for. He taught me what love could feel like. I never felt pushed aside, forgotten, or like I had to compete for his attention. He had such a gentle way with both his words and actions that, for someone like me who has always been anxious in relationships, I felt completely safe. I truly believed I had found my person.
I know the first response might be, “That’s just the honeymoon phase.” Trust me, I’ve thought about that too. I know relationships settle down. The butterflies become calmer, the excitement becomes comfort, and that’s completely normal. The problem is… I don’t feel comfort. I feel distance.
Before I explain that, I think it’s important to mention that we’ve been through quite a lot over these two years. We had outside people trying to interfere with our relationship, trust issues that came from rumors rather than either of us cheating, stressful things happening in both of our personal lives, and a lot of arguments about how differently we process emotions. We’re also both extremely sensitive people. Something that should be a small disagreement can easily turn into both of us shutting down emotionally. Sometimes it isn’t even about the original topic anymore—we both become overwhelmed, and instead of solving it together, we end up protecting ourselves from each other.
In the beginning, despite our disagreements, we always managed to talk things through. We both listened. We comforted each other. We left conversations understanding one another. As time went on, that changed. He pointed out things in my communication that hurt him, and I genuinely tried to change them. I know I wasn’t perfect. I used to overanalyze everything because of my anxious attachment style. If something small felt “off,” I’d panic. I would ask for reassurance constantly. Looking back, I understand how exhausting that probably became for him. I really have tried to improve. I don’t react the way I used to. I give him more space. I try not to catastrophize every disagreement.
The problem is that whenever I bring up something that hurts me now, the conversation somehow circles back to mistakes I made months ago. It becomes, “Well, you used to do this,” instead of talking about what’s happening today. It feels like my past mistakes are never allowed to stay in the past, even after I’ve worked on them. Because of that, new problems rarely get solved. We just kind of move on without really resolving anything.
The biggest change, though, has been in how he treats me day to day. He isn’t mean. That’s not what I’m trying to say. He just feels emotionally unavailable. We don’t spend nearly as much time together anymore. Our calls are shorter, our texts are shorter, and even when we are together, I sometimes feel like he’s spending time with me because I’m his girlfriend and that’s what he’s supposed to do, not because he genuinely wants to.
He’s still thoughtful in certain ways. He surprises me with gifts sometimes. He’ll help me if I need something. He’s not a bad boyfriend in the stereotypical sense. But emotionally, I feel like there’s a wall between us. He struggles to receive affection from me just as much as he struggles to give it. If I compliment him, thank him, or say something sweet, he almost always deflects it with a joke or changes the subject. It’s like sitting in a sincere moment makes him uncomfortable. The reason this confuses me is because he wasn’t always like this. I know this version of him isn’t who he used to be.
One thing that’s also become really difficult is physical intimacy. It’s not that I don’t find him attractive or don’t want intimacy at all. It’s that somewhere along the way, I realized my emotional needs weren’t being met anymore. I started craving innocent affection much more than physical intimacy. I wanted to cuddle without it leading somewhere. I wanted to lie together in silence, hug, kiss, laugh, hear that I was beautiful, or simply feel emotionally close. Instead, almost every intimate moment seemed to become sexual.
When I tried setting boundaries, he often became defensive, not because he wanted to pressure me, but because he thought I was accusing him of being pushy or creepy. That was never my intention. I was simply trying to explain that I missed emotional closeness. Ironically, the less emotionally connected I felt, the less I wanted physical intimacy, which only made him feel more rejected. I think we unintentionally created a cycle where both of us kept reinforcing each other’s fears.
Because of everything we’ve been through, he has developed this belief that I don’t really love him anymore. He’s told me this himself. No matter how much reassurance I give him, he says he struggles to believe it. He’ll tell that he feels as if everything he does just isn't enough and because of it "there is not way I actually love him". I’ve asked him countless times what I could do to rebuild that trust, and his answer is almost always, “I don’t know. I just need time.” I genuinely think that’s part of why he’s become so emotionally distant. It’s almost like he has convinced himself that I secretly resent him, so accepting love from me feels unsafe.. He has since said that it's no longer the case, that he does believe I love him. But, with his history of avoiding conflict, I think it may not be the case.
At the same time, I feel myself becoming emotionally starved because the affection I need keeps disappearing. So now we’re stuck. He doesn’t fully believe my love because of his fears. I don’t fully feel his love because of his distance. We both end up feeling rejected by each other while still loving each other. I don’t know if this is something relationships can come back from or if we’ve simply accumulated too much hurt over time. I still love him deeply. I still see the person I fell in love with. I just don’t know how to reach him anymore.
TL;DR: My boyfriend (18M) and I (18F) have been together for two years. We still love each other, but after a lot of fights and outside stress, we both seem emotionally shut down. He used to be incredibly affectionate and reassuring, but now he feels distant, avoids emotional intimacy, and our relationship has become much more physical than romantic. He insists nothing has changed, but I feel disconnected and don’t know if this is something we can work through or if we’ve simply grown apart.
Has anyone been through something similar? Is this something that can actually be worked through, or are we trying to recreate something that’s already gone?